Our mortgage company has been a NIGHTMARE, and that is putting it nicely. We have been asking for numbers, you know the approximate amount needed at closing and estimated monthly payment that you usually get, since we started the loan process back in May! We didn't get any numbers until last week.
I had to stop by John's office to pick up something I needed to take with me while headed back to West Texas with a car full of teenagers! I was taking them to Rock the Desert, and I was headed back to have a training session for new adoptive parents. When I stopped at John's office, he shared with me what he had learned that morning. We were going to be several thousand dollars short at closing. We both wrestled with fear and anxiety - and if we are honest some serious rage at not having the numbers when we asked so we could be making a plan - over closing being 7 days away, and getting this news. This is when you know you have been around a mountain enough times that you really GET a Truth - when a circumstance comes, you actually react in the Truth rather than reacting to the circumstance and then having to remind yourself of the Truth! My heart didn't race, I didn't get sweaty palms, the pit started to form in my stomach, but immediately disappeared with the thought, "God has not brought us this far to leave us. He promises to never leave or forsake us. He has made clear this is the path we are to walk. Somehow, it will work." As I drove all morning and afternoon, the enemy taunted me with all kinds of thoughts, but immediately, I would remind myself and the enemy of God's faithfulness and all the promises He had given about this move. I still had NO IDEA how this was going to work, but I would simply roll it back on God and thank Him for His provision...however it came!
Well, before the day was over, I was handed a check for a few hundred dollars over what we needed for closing! When I looked at the check, I asked the generous giver if John had talked to them or something? I was very confused. They responded just as confused with a no - they had been blessed this year and wanted to bless us! I broke into the ugly cry! Not just because of the generosity of these individuals, but the fact that their gift was the provision God already knew was on the way!!!! They even shared how they were going to give it to us at a different time, but decided to give it to me that day!
Y'all, I have seen God's faithfulness over and over in my life! I mean we fed 65 children in an orphanage for over a year with no sustainable income from the program! I "get" miraculous provision....but I have never had the "here is the check" experience! I have heard the stories of God providing mysterious checks in the mail for the needed amount for other people, but I had never experienced that. It was so surreal! As I kept staring at the check, I was reminded also that when God provides, it is more than we could hope or imagine! That number that had looked so big and insurmountable a few hours ago, was now provided for plus more!
Here is what I hope encourages those reading who also need provision, God is no respecter of persons - what he does for one, he does for anyone. I have been the one reading stories like this and thinking, "yes, you did it for them, but not me." So if that was your thought while reading, let me tell you, He has a provision for you also! What I know is that on this journey, we have walked unwavering in our trust and faith like we have never done before! I have to believe that has something to do with the way God has provided. We have truly trusted - not being tossed about or double minded. I can tell you that is not usually how I walk these journeys! I usually go back and forth between trust and despair in these situations in 0-60 seconds!
There are things still trying to rob our joy and shake our confidence in this move - like closing maybe being postponed because our loan won't be ready....but God has been so faithful and provided amazing sellers for us to work with that answers come just almost immediately to the barriers! This has truly been a spiritual journey that will forever be a stone of remembrance in my spiritual life! I don't want to go back to that double minded person! And I want to encourage you if you are on the fence, God is trustworthy! Take the leap! Free fall into His plan....you will not regret it!
Showing posts with label miracles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miracles. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
I am one of "THEM"!
I haven't been much of a blogger lately. It has not been for lack of material to blog, just lack of time to blog it. But I am hoping to change that.
The last two years have been quite the season. I don't think I would go so far as to call it a dark night of the soul, but to say it has been a season of pruning and stretching doesn't quite pay homage to the depth of work God has done in my life. I hope you will see in the posts to come that God has radically change my life through the course of these past 18-24 months.
This quote by Bill Johnson in When Heaven Invades Earth probably best sums up my journey: "It's important to understand God's promise and purpose for the Church so that we might become dissatisfied - so that we will become desperate. Intercession from insatiable hunger moves the heart of God as nothing else can." Over the past 15 years, God has taken me to places that I was quite sure I was at the end of myself. However, if those places were the end of myself, then this past season left myself in the dust and took me to the end of a place I didn't even know existed! But in that place I became desperate for God in a way I have never been. And God was true to His word: when we seek Him we will find Him!
So often in this past season I found myself desperately clinging to the promises of the Bible while trying to line up my circumstances and reality with what the scriptures said. To put it bluntly, they didn't mesh! So my search began for why they didn't! What I found has changed me forever. What I found showed me that while I survived this season, I lived most days in defeat with bloody wounds where I had allowed the enemy access he should have never had. I did the best I could with that I knew then. I have some regrets, but I have no condemnation or "I shoulda's" because I truly lived this season on my face begging for wisdom, direction, mercy and grace. There are a few things I can look back on and wish I had handled a different way, but I also remember the despair and weariness of those times....words that demonstrate even more the defeat I lived in many days.
I am walking out of this season with revelations about God - not head knowledge about who God is said to be, but heart experience about who He is to me! There is a difference! We have a new kitchen which is a blog post for another time...part of that remodel is an amazing pantry, and on that pantry floor is Psalm:8, "Taste and see that the Lord is good." I don't know that I purposely set out to "taste" in this season, but walking out of it, I can testify that I have tasted, and indeed the Lord is good! Yes, my family was turned upside down and inside out. Yes, my ministry and calling on my life has been tested and attacked. Yes, I have a daughter who is not a part of my life right now. Yes, I have a grand baby who has no idea who MiMi is. Yes, I have another grand baby coming into this world in June who I may or may not get to hold in my arms. Yes, my identity has been turned upside down as defined by stay-at-home mom. But there is not a path that I have walked the past months that I would not walk again. Could I head down some of the paths if I knew what they would hold, no. That is why it's called faith! If it was sight, I would surely have turned around or fainted from fear at what was coming up. Do I wish some of the paths had taken different turns, absolutely! But the paths on this journey have brought me to a place of desperation for intimacy with God like no other time in my life. And for that, I am eternally thankful!
It will take awhile for me to get it all out here, but I will write as God leads. It's part of my instruction for 2013 - share what God has taught me and walk in obedience! But what you need to know about me is now I am one of "them"! I have been radically touched by a living God. I have experienced His presence like never before in my life...and once you have experienced Him, there is no turning back! Holy Roller, Charismatic, Jesus Freak, Radical, Weird, Over the top, what ever the title used to describe one who is totally and completely sold out to Jesus with no box to keep Him in and only the expectation of new revelation and a desire to bring honor and glory to God like never before, well that's me. We have a saying at our house right now, "The weirder, the better!" - not for "weird" sake, but for the purpose of experiencing God in life changing ways that allow us to then touch others in life changing ways.
Before you right me off and quit reading because I have left theology for "feelings", let me leave you with a couple of thoughts that when put together should challenge any American Christian - "Unless I do the works of the Father, do not believe me." John 10:37 NKJV And in the words of Bill Johnson, "Jesus gave people the right to disbelieve it all if there was no demonstration of power upon His ministry. I hunger for the day when the Church will make the same statement to the world. If we're not doing the miracles that Jesus did, you don't have to believe us." And before you discount him, let me leave you with this final word - "Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these he will do, because I am going to the Father." John 14:12
Challenge: based on this standard, who would believe you? And if you are not using this standard, why not?
Check back! Let me share where I was....it was a long trip to this place! Don't discount it yet. Hear me out. All of us who have accepted Christ as our Savior have the authority and power to walk each day in victory here on earth....we don't have to wait until we die and go to heave...Your Kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven! And that's my prayer for each of you!
The last two years have been quite the season. I don't think I would go so far as to call it a dark night of the soul, but to say it has been a season of pruning and stretching doesn't quite pay homage to the depth of work God has done in my life. I hope you will see in the posts to come that God has radically change my life through the course of these past 18-24 months.
This quote by Bill Johnson in When Heaven Invades Earth probably best sums up my journey: "It's important to understand God's promise and purpose for the Church so that we might become dissatisfied - so that we will become desperate. Intercession from insatiable hunger moves the heart of God as nothing else can." Over the past 15 years, God has taken me to places that I was quite sure I was at the end of myself. However, if those places were the end of myself, then this past season left myself in the dust and took me to the end of a place I didn't even know existed! But in that place I became desperate for God in a way I have never been. And God was true to His word: when we seek Him we will find Him!
So often in this past season I found myself desperately clinging to the promises of the Bible while trying to line up my circumstances and reality with what the scriptures said. To put it bluntly, they didn't mesh! So my search began for why they didn't! What I found has changed me forever. What I found showed me that while I survived this season, I lived most days in defeat with bloody wounds where I had allowed the enemy access he should have never had. I did the best I could with that I knew then. I have some regrets, but I have no condemnation or "I shoulda's" because I truly lived this season on my face begging for wisdom, direction, mercy and grace. There are a few things I can look back on and wish I had handled a different way, but I also remember the despair and weariness of those times....words that demonstrate even more the defeat I lived in many days.
I am walking out of this season with revelations about God - not head knowledge about who God is said to be, but heart experience about who He is to me! There is a difference! We have a new kitchen which is a blog post for another time...part of that remodel is an amazing pantry, and on that pantry floor is Psalm:8, "Taste and see that the Lord is good." I don't know that I purposely set out to "taste" in this season, but walking out of it, I can testify that I have tasted, and indeed the Lord is good! Yes, my family was turned upside down and inside out. Yes, my ministry and calling on my life has been tested and attacked. Yes, I have a daughter who is not a part of my life right now. Yes, I have a grand baby who has no idea who MiMi is. Yes, I have another grand baby coming into this world in June who I may or may not get to hold in my arms. Yes, my identity has been turned upside down as defined by stay-at-home mom. But there is not a path that I have walked the past months that I would not walk again. Could I head down some of the paths if I knew what they would hold, no. That is why it's called faith! If it was sight, I would surely have turned around or fainted from fear at what was coming up. Do I wish some of the paths had taken different turns, absolutely! But the paths on this journey have brought me to a place of desperation for intimacy with God like no other time in my life. And for that, I am eternally thankful!
It will take awhile for me to get it all out here, but I will write as God leads. It's part of my instruction for 2013 - share what God has taught me and walk in obedience! But what you need to know about me is now I am one of "them"! I have been radically touched by a living God. I have experienced His presence like never before in my life...and once you have experienced Him, there is no turning back! Holy Roller, Charismatic, Jesus Freak, Radical, Weird, Over the top, what ever the title used to describe one who is totally and completely sold out to Jesus with no box to keep Him in and only the expectation of new revelation and a desire to bring honor and glory to God like never before, well that's me. We have a saying at our house right now, "The weirder, the better!" - not for "weird" sake, but for the purpose of experiencing God in life changing ways that allow us to then touch others in life changing ways.
Before you right me off and quit reading because I have left theology for "feelings", let me leave you with a couple of thoughts that when put together should challenge any American Christian - "Unless I do the works of the Father, do not believe me." John 10:37 NKJV And in the words of Bill Johnson, "Jesus gave people the right to disbelieve it all if there was no demonstration of power upon His ministry. I hunger for the day when the Church will make the same statement to the world. If we're not doing the miracles that Jesus did, you don't have to believe us." And before you discount him, let me leave you with this final word - "Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these he will do, because I am going to the Father." John 14:12
Challenge: based on this standard, who would believe you? And if you are not using this standard, why not?
Check back! Let me share where I was....it was a long trip to this place! Don't discount it yet. Hear me out. All of us who have accepted Christ as our Savior have the authority and power to walk each day in victory here on earth....we don't have to wait until we die and go to heave...Your Kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven! And that's my prayer for each of you!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Hope's Promise Update
We looked at the $500,000 property yesterday that was a home with an office. It could work. It had some definite strikes against it, like the overwhelming stench of animal urine when you walked in the door! And it was way over priced. But the prayers of you warriors were answered with another lead of a property that sounds like it would be perfect that our amazing Realtor thought of as she heard us talking about plans for the home. The property is not for sale right now, but has been in the past. So she is checking on it for us. Will you please continue to pray? Pray that if this is the property God has for us the owner would be willing to consider selling. From what our Realtor said, it might just be a needed change for the owners as well, so I am praying this would be a perfectly timed blessing for them as well. It is a property that would most likely allow us to serve 10 plus girls immediately!
The plan would be to purchase this property with the long term goal remaining: to purchase the God Promised land and build a larger facility. The exciting part about the long term plan is that then the home we are purchasing now (whatever that turns out to be) would be a transition home for the moms who choose to parent and need a place to get on their feet! We can continue to speak into their lives, teach them about Jesus and teach them to be mommies! Honestly, that gets me so excited, I can hardly sit still!
Please don't stop praying. As I have prayed this week, time and again I feel assured by the Holy Spirit that this will happen and will happen quickly. But I have also been assured that the opposition will come just as fast and just as strong! The enemy is defeated when we pray and walk in obedience. He is defeated when my friend brings her birthday money from her husband to get her hair colored to my front door to pay for the home instead! He is defeated when a 12 and 14 year old girl sit two days in the heat selling cold drinks and telling people they want to help other young girls who find themselves in a hard place with no where to go but wanting to chose life for their babies! He is defeated when girls are told to abort their baby or leave and they have a place to go so they can choose life! So please don't stop praying! I assure you your prayers are effective! I have never seen anything like what is happening with this home! The way people are working together across "church" lines! Well, I guess maybe I have seen it...when we built the orphanage in Liberia! But I was just a bystander to the amazing work of Jeremy and Kami!
I will be applying for a grant from a local business that is very generous with community organizations. They have given organizations in the past more than what it would take for us to just purchase this property (or whatever property God leads us to) right away! I am believing God for something just as crazy as that! God is ready to show His glory! And I know how ever this happens it will be in a way that no man can take credit because it would only be possible by a Might God who works miracles!
Here we go....
The plan would be to purchase this property with the long term goal remaining: to purchase the God Promised land and build a larger facility. The exciting part about the long term plan is that then the home we are purchasing now (whatever that turns out to be) would be a transition home for the moms who choose to parent and need a place to get on their feet! We can continue to speak into their lives, teach them about Jesus and teach them to be mommies! Honestly, that gets me so excited, I can hardly sit still!
Please don't stop praying. As I have prayed this week, time and again I feel assured by the Holy Spirit that this will happen and will happen quickly. But I have also been assured that the opposition will come just as fast and just as strong! The enemy is defeated when we pray and walk in obedience. He is defeated when my friend brings her birthday money from her husband to get her hair colored to my front door to pay for the home instead! He is defeated when a 12 and 14 year old girl sit two days in the heat selling cold drinks and telling people they want to help other young girls who find themselves in a hard place with no where to go but wanting to chose life for their babies! He is defeated when girls are told to abort their baby or leave and they have a place to go so they can choose life! So please don't stop praying! I assure you your prayers are effective! I have never seen anything like what is happening with this home! The way people are working together across "church" lines! Well, I guess maybe I have seen it...when we built the orphanage in Liberia! But I was just a bystander to the amazing work of Jeremy and Kami!
I will be applying for a grant from a local business that is very generous with community organizations. They have given organizations in the past more than what it would take for us to just purchase this property (or whatever property God leads us to) right away! I am believing God for something just as crazy as that! God is ready to show His glory! And I know how ever this happens it will be in a way that no man can take credit because it would only be possible by a Might God who works miracles!
Here we go....
Friday, August 13, 2010
Totally Undone
We went. We saw. We left. I fell apart. I am still not back together.
No words will ever be able to describe what happened to me...and John on August 12, 2010. I thought after 9 years in the adoption ministry, being to two African countries, numerous orphanages that shock and whatever it was that happened yesterday wouldn't happen again. I was wrong!
*****WARNING: Totally transparent post to follow! You are reading the words of a broken heart, a mother bear, who is still processing what she saw and what she is supposed to do about it. These are not thoughts that have been processed or neatly wrapped in a pretty package. These are raw emotions/thoughts that I am sharing in true transparency so those walking this journey of adoption/fostering with me or thinking about it can know that if this happens to them, they are not alone! If you think you might be offended by reading raw thoughts on an American orphanage...please don't read or if you do, don't judge, please!******
I am NEVER early! Yesterday, I was 10 minutes early to the group home. The kids and I drove around a bit then we went to the main office to wait for John. He arrived and we walked to the home. There are several homes beside the group home forming a horseshoe. The first one was the one we were told to go to. The head caretaker met us at the door and welcomed us in. She was very nice. The home was clean and you can tell an attempt was made to make it homey...but a house is not a home as we all know. It still felt sterile. It was dark. There were itty children everywhere! The caretaker looked at me and said, "Which one is he?" My eyes scanned the moving sea of children. I started to point then turned to her and said, "I don't want to pick because if I pick the wrong one, I will be embarrassed!" She laughed and said, "You were pointing at him." This little guy toddling in front of me with a Spiderman shirt and braids was Little Guy! His eyes were stunning...leery, but stunning. I bent down to talk to him and he took off running for the nearest big person he knew as familiar! I backed off and just talked to him and started talking to the other children. My brain and heart were trying to take in all I was seeing. About that time, the oldest boy in the home...maybe 7 or 8 walks up to me and says, "Are these new kids here?" referring to my children. My mommy heart wanted to wrap my arms around all my kids and scream, NO! And just as quickly my heart broke for that little boy who didn't have a mommy to feel the same about him. That was the first crack of many in my heart that would come in a flood in the next hour.
I had told John when we were talking about visiting that I wondered if we were supposed to visit because Little Guy might not be who we were supposed to take, but some other person there might be. Frankly, (remember I warned you that this is a truly raw and transparent post!) my first impression of Little Guy was not one of love at first sight.
I am convinced that Toben needs someone who looks like him in our family. Little Guy is bi-racial and very light skin toned. So that immediately made me question. Then there were the braids. When you foster, you can't cut their hair unless birth parents give you permission. And I think a lot of times, birth parents won't allow it because it is one of the only things they can control in a situation like that. All I could think of was what my mom and dad would say when they saw him! They are already very concerned and not thrilled about the idea of us adding to our family, his image definitely would not help that at all. My heart was almost shut immediately. But then we stayed.
I went and sat down on the floor and the kids stated coming over to me. Eventually, he got close enough that I could talk to him. I looked down and had the not-so-bright idea to give him one of my bracelets...remember I said there were itties EVERYWHERE! And each one wanted one of my bracelets. God was gracious and the rest seemed to melt away and it was just me and him. I would put it on my arm then put it on his and his eyes would light up and he would laugh. I gave him another and he put on on each arm. We were almost friends after that. John on the other hand was still sitting on the other side of the room because if he got anywhere close, Little Guy became *very* anxious.
They lined the kids up to go outside. As they were lining up, this little girl who had immediately caught my (and Callie's) eye came and put her arm around my shoulders (I was still sitting on the floor). She was gorgeous! She was bi-racial, but darker than Little Guy. When we walked in to the room, she was getting her hair done by one of the workers. It was puffy and beautiful! Her eye lashes were long and her eyes were stunning...much like Little Guy's. In fact, as I looked at them there together, I had to ask! "Are they related?" I had been told that Little Guy had three older siblings, but they were being placed in other places. I had gotten the impression that they were much older, so it really hadn't occurred to me until that moment that this might be his sister. But she was in fact Little Guy's sister! My heart stopped! Then I remembered my conversation with Buckner. Little Guy's sister had a home she was going to, but it would not be ready until mid August. I breathed again...a little disappointed actually to recall that fact. So I said, "but she has a home that she is going to, right?" The answer, "She did, but it fell through." What? Took a moment for my brain to process what I was hearing.
Then all the little ones were going outside, so I got up and we went out with them. There was a small back yard with several ride-on toys and a little playhouse. Ava went right out there like she owned the place and started playing in the play house. I heard a scream from the corner and it was the sister...someone had taken the bike she wanted. She spent most of the time outside sitting right in that place with a frown on her face! The rest of the time she spent in Callie's arms.
We talked more to the workers and asked some questions about Little Guy and sister. How are they together? Are they having visits? How do they interact with the other kids? Are there any major concerns that they see? Nothing alarming came out. But as I looked at the sea of children and as child after child came up to me with smiles, my heart just kept breaking.
Honestly, I couldn't process what I was seeing. My head knew that these children *lived* here. This was not a daycare. No parents were coming to pick them up in a few hours to take them home for a nice hot meal and tuck them in tonight with prayers and kisses. In fact, I found out that no one lives at the house. They are all only caretakers. I thought this group home had house parents, but not even that. Don't get me wrong, the workers were very nice and seemed to genuinely care about the kids, but they are not a mom and dad.
The kids went back inside and were seated in the dining room at a large table for dinner. Workers started bringing out white paper plates with half a sandwich, chips and pretzels on each one. They said a prayer and the children started eating. We took that as our cue to leave. I said bye to all the kids and went over to Little Guy and kissed his cheek. Not knowing if I was kissing my soon to be son bye or kissing a little boy I would never see again. My head was reeling from all I had just witnessed.
We walked out the door. We were only a few steps from the door when Ava says, "Can we keep the baby boy?" I kind of laughed and said, "He's not a puppy." To which she replied, "So can we take him home?" I was already fighting back tears and tried to squeak out, "We will have to see." We started the walk to our cars and about half way there, I lost it. Sobs...not just tears, but sobs from the core of my being! I was trying to hold it together in front of my kids, but the reality of what I just left hit me like a brick wall.
I.
Will.
Never.
Be.
The.
Same.
I had just seen my first American orphanage. They call it a group home. I don't care what words you call it, It. Is. An. Orphanage!
It's not like I haven't stayed in an orphanage before, much less visited numerous ones. I am still puzzled by my (and John's) reaction to the place. And don't get me wrong, the organization running the home is doing a great job at what it is. The home was clean, it was decorated to some extent, the children were all clean and well-dressed. The workers were nice and seemed to truly care for the children. But, it was not a home! There were no parents to kiss away hurts or say bed-time prayers or love these children with the love of a mommy and/or daddy!
We call ourselves a civilized society. Places like Liberia, well, we expect to see orphanages for children in need. Not. In. America! And specifically, Not. In. My. Backyard!
In about 15 minutes I went from devastated, to overwhelmed, to angry, to heartbroken, and then numb. Talk about sticking your head in the sand....I wanted to do just that! I wanted to take my family to eat, then go home and erase all I had seen. I wanted to pretend like I never heard of Little Guy or his sister and just go on with life with my five children in my happy, comfortable home and car.
But before the numbness hit, I made a phone call to Buckner to ask about the sister and tell them we were going to need some time to process before we could give an answer! I asked about becoming a group home so that we could take more than 6 kids (sister would put us up to seven). I didn't really have a clue what I was saying, all I knew was that if she didn't have a home, we were not taking him and leaving her behind! I could take her and leave him behind easier than I could leave her, but that really isn't going to happen either, I don't think. (remember....raw, transparency here!)
It wasn't until we stopped to eat and John and I were talking that he reminded me that neither of our cars will hold 7 kids and me! I couldn't even take the kids to school...forget going anywhere as a family in one car! My heart sank. That reality hit me like a ton of bricks.
Pretty well all night last night, I couldn't really think about what we needed to do. I couldn't really wrap my head around it. I tried to keep pushing it to the back...and had just about succeeded in forgetting for a moment as we had taken the kids to family night at the museum...there were all kinds of lizards, snakes, iguanas, fish, etc. It was a ton of fun! Ava even pet a hissing cockroach....grossed me out! In all that excitement two little people with frizzy hair were just about out of my mind when I turned a corner and there he was...Little Guy and his friends from the home were right in front of me! I went over and took him from his worker...he protested until he saw John then he clung to me for life. Not sure how that is really going to work if he comes to live with us....but with time, it will be ok. And the fact of the matter is as John and I talked this morning, he will be that way with anyone that he goes to live with! So someone has to say YES to this little man!
Even as we came home and I knew I had to start thinking about what we were going to decide for a placement, I couldn't find any peace or even any clarity of thought to even process it all. I finally just had to tell God that He was going to have to give me some rest and then provide clear answers in the morning.
As I woke this morning with a little on in bed with me (Ava snuck in some time during the night!), James 4:17 was running through my head: "Anyone who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." Well, that is pretty plain, isn't it. The problem at this moment is that I don't know the good I ought to do. I am still waiting for some answers.
But we are ready! We are ready to take them both. We just need a car. We don't have money for a car. But as our pastor preached last Sunday, God can super naturally rescue these two little kids. He can provide a car for us that will hold our family. I have already posted on my facebook that I will be calling dealerships today to find out if any are interested in donating a 12 passenger van. Ironically, well, I take that back, God isn't into irony, only divine planning! James 4, earlier in the chapter, holds another verse that God brought to mind this morning. Verse 2 says, "You do not have because you do not ask God."
So I am asking. I am asking God to provide a car so we can call Buckner and say, "get us approved as a group home!" We are taking them both! I am asking God and then I am going to make some calls to dealerships in faith asking them if they would donate a car or a portion of the price for a 12 passenger van. I am going to ask believing that God is a God of miracles and He cares enough about these two precious children to provide a miracle, a super natural rescue, for two little children who have stolen my heart and marked my life forever.
And those bracelets I talked about earlier? They were still on Little Guy's arms when I left...he kept my bracelets and a piece of my heart that I know will never be the same as long as I walk this earth!
No words will ever be able to describe what happened to me...and John on August 12, 2010. I thought after 9 years in the adoption ministry, being to two African countries, numerous orphanages that shock and whatever it was that happened yesterday wouldn't happen again. I was wrong!
*****WARNING: Totally transparent post to follow! You are reading the words of a broken heart, a mother bear, who is still processing what she saw and what she is supposed to do about it. These are not thoughts that have been processed or neatly wrapped in a pretty package. These are raw emotions/thoughts that I am sharing in true transparency so those walking this journey of adoption/fostering with me or thinking about it can know that if this happens to them, they are not alone! If you think you might be offended by reading raw thoughts on an American orphanage...please don't read or if you do, don't judge, please!******
I am NEVER early! Yesterday, I was 10 minutes early to the group home. The kids and I drove around a bit then we went to the main office to wait for John. He arrived and we walked to the home. There are several homes beside the group home forming a horseshoe. The first one was the one we were told to go to. The head caretaker met us at the door and welcomed us in. She was very nice. The home was clean and you can tell an attempt was made to make it homey...but a house is not a home as we all know. It still felt sterile. It was dark. There were itty children everywhere! The caretaker looked at me and said, "Which one is he?" My eyes scanned the moving sea of children. I started to point then turned to her and said, "I don't want to pick because if I pick the wrong one, I will be embarrassed!" She laughed and said, "You were pointing at him." This little guy toddling in front of me with a Spiderman shirt and braids was Little Guy! His eyes were stunning...leery, but stunning. I bent down to talk to him and he took off running for the nearest big person he knew as familiar! I backed off and just talked to him and started talking to the other children. My brain and heart were trying to take in all I was seeing. About that time, the oldest boy in the home...maybe 7 or 8 walks up to me and says, "Are these new kids here?" referring to my children. My mommy heart wanted to wrap my arms around all my kids and scream, NO! And just as quickly my heart broke for that little boy who didn't have a mommy to feel the same about him. That was the first crack of many in my heart that would come in a flood in the next hour.
I had told John when we were talking about visiting that I wondered if we were supposed to visit because Little Guy might not be who we were supposed to take, but some other person there might be. Frankly, (remember I warned you that this is a truly raw and transparent post!) my first impression of Little Guy was not one of love at first sight.
I am convinced that Toben needs someone who looks like him in our family. Little Guy is bi-racial and very light skin toned. So that immediately made me question. Then there were the braids. When you foster, you can't cut their hair unless birth parents give you permission. And I think a lot of times, birth parents won't allow it because it is one of the only things they can control in a situation like that. All I could think of was what my mom and dad would say when they saw him! They are already very concerned and not thrilled about the idea of us adding to our family, his image definitely would not help that at all. My heart was almost shut immediately. But then we stayed.
I went and sat down on the floor and the kids stated coming over to me. Eventually, he got close enough that I could talk to him. I looked down and had the not-so-bright idea to give him one of my bracelets...remember I said there were itties EVERYWHERE! And each one wanted one of my bracelets. God was gracious and the rest seemed to melt away and it was just me and him. I would put it on my arm then put it on his and his eyes would light up and he would laugh. I gave him another and he put on on each arm. We were almost friends after that. John on the other hand was still sitting on the other side of the room because if he got anywhere close, Little Guy became *very* anxious.
They lined the kids up to go outside. As they were lining up, this little girl who had immediately caught my (and Callie's) eye came and put her arm around my shoulders (I was still sitting on the floor). She was gorgeous! She was bi-racial, but darker than Little Guy. When we walked in to the room, she was getting her hair done by one of the workers. It was puffy and beautiful! Her eye lashes were long and her eyes were stunning...much like Little Guy's. In fact, as I looked at them there together, I had to ask! "Are they related?" I had been told that Little Guy had three older siblings, but they were being placed in other places. I had gotten the impression that they were much older, so it really hadn't occurred to me until that moment that this might be his sister. But she was in fact Little Guy's sister! My heart stopped! Then I remembered my conversation with Buckner. Little Guy's sister had a home she was going to, but it would not be ready until mid August. I breathed again...a little disappointed actually to recall that fact. So I said, "but she has a home that she is going to, right?" The answer, "She did, but it fell through." What? Took a moment for my brain to process what I was hearing.
Then all the little ones were going outside, so I got up and we went out with them. There was a small back yard with several ride-on toys and a little playhouse. Ava went right out there like she owned the place and started playing in the play house. I heard a scream from the corner and it was the sister...someone had taken the bike she wanted. She spent most of the time outside sitting right in that place with a frown on her face! The rest of the time she spent in Callie's arms.
We talked more to the workers and asked some questions about Little Guy and sister. How are they together? Are they having visits? How do they interact with the other kids? Are there any major concerns that they see? Nothing alarming came out. But as I looked at the sea of children and as child after child came up to me with smiles, my heart just kept breaking.
Honestly, I couldn't process what I was seeing. My head knew that these children *lived* here. This was not a daycare. No parents were coming to pick them up in a few hours to take them home for a nice hot meal and tuck them in tonight with prayers and kisses. In fact, I found out that no one lives at the house. They are all only caretakers. I thought this group home had house parents, but not even that. Don't get me wrong, the workers were very nice and seemed to genuinely care about the kids, but they are not a mom and dad.
The kids went back inside and were seated in the dining room at a large table for dinner. Workers started bringing out white paper plates with half a sandwich, chips and pretzels on each one. They said a prayer and the children started eating. We took that as our cue to leave. I said bye to all the kids and went over to Little Guy and kissed his cheek. Not knowing if I was kissing my soon to be son bye or kissing a little boy I would never see again. My head was reeling from all I had just witnessed.
We walked out the door. We were only a few steps from the door when Ava says, "Can we keep the baby boy?" I kind of laughed and said, "He's not a puppy." To which she replied, "So can we take him home?" I was already fighting back tears and tried to squeak out, "We will have to see." We started the walk to our cars and about half way there, I lost it. Sobs...not just tears, but sobs from the core of my being! I was trying to hold it together in front of my kids, but the reality of what I just left hit me like a brick wall.
I.
Will.
Never.
Be.
The.
Same.
I had just seen my first American orphanage. They call it a group home. I don't care what words you call it, It. Is. An. Orphanage!
It's not like I haven't stayed in an orphanage before, much less visited numerous ones. I am still puzzled by my (and John's) reaction to the place. And don't get me wrong, the organization running the home is doing a great job at what it is. The home was clean, it was decorated to some extent, the children were all clean and well-dressed. The workers were nice and seemed to truly care for the children. But, it was not a home! There were no parents to kiss away hurts or say bed-time prayers or love these children with the love of a mommy and/or daddy!
We call ourselves a civilized society. Places like Liberia, well, we expect to see orphanages for children in need. Not. In. America! And specifically, Not. In. My. Backyard!
In about 15 minutes I went from devastated, to overwhelmed, to angry, to heartbroken, and then numb. Talk about sticking your head in the sand....I wanted to do just that! I wanted to take my family to eat, then go home and erase all I had seen. I wanted to pretend like I never heard of Little Guy or his sister and just go on with life with my five children in my happy, comfortable home and car.
But before the numbness hit, I made a phone call to Buckner to ask about the sister and tell them we were going to need some time to process before we could give an answer! I asked about becoming a group home so that we could take more than 6 kids (sister would put us up to seven). I didn't really have a clue what I was saying, all I knew was that if she didn't have a home, we were not taking him and leaving her behind! I could take her and leave him behind easier than I could leave her, but that really isn't going to happen either, I don't think. (remember....raw, transparency here!)
It wasn't until we stopped to eat and John and I were talking that he reminded me that neither of our cars will hold 7 kids and me! I couldn't even take the kids to school...forget going anywhere as a family in one car! My heart sank. That reality hit me like a ton of bricks.
Pretty well all night last night, I couldn't really think about what we needed to do. I couldn't really wrap my head around it. I tried to keep pushing it to the back...and had just about succeeded in forgetting for a moment as we had taken the kids to family night at the museum...there were all kinds of lizards, snakes, iguanas, fish, etc. It was a ton of fun! Ava even pet a hissing cockroach....grossed me out! In all that excitement two little people with frizzy hair were just about out of my mind when I turned a corner and there he was...Little Guy and his friends from the home were right in front of me! I went over and took him from his worker...he protested until he saw John then he clung to me for life. Not sure how that is really going to work if he comes to live with us....but with time, it will be ok. And the fact of the matter is as John and I talked this morning, he will be that way with anyone that he goes to live with! So someone has to say YES to this little man!
Even as we came home and I knew I had to start thinking about what we were going to decide for a placement, I couldn't find any peace or even any clarity of thought to even process it all. I finally just had to tell God that He was going to have to give me some rest and then provide clear answers in the morning.
As I woke this morning with a little on in bed with me (Ava snuck in some time during the night!), James 4:17 was running through my head: "Anyone who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." Well, that is pretty plain, isn't it. The problem at this moment is that I don't know the good I ought to do. I am still waiting for some answers.
But we are ready! We are ready to take them both. We just need a car. We don't have money for a car. But as our pastor preached last Sunday, God can super naturally rescue these two little kids. He can provide a car for us that will hold our family. I have already posted on my facebook that I will be calling dealerships today to find out if any are interested in donating a 12 passenger van. Ironically, well, I take that back, God isn't into irony, only divine planning! James 4, earlier in the chapter, holds another verse that God brought to mind this morning. Verse 2 says, "You do not have because you do not ask God."
So I am asking. I am asking God to provide a car so we can call Buckner and say, "get us approved as a group home!" We are taking them both! I am asking God and then I am going to make some calls to dealerships in faith asking them if they would donate a car or a portion of the price for a 12 passenger van. I am going to ask believing that God is a God of miracles and He cares enough about these two precious children to provide a miracle, a super natural rescue, for two little children who have stolen my heart and marked my life forever.
And those bracelets I talked about earlier? They were still on Little Guy's arms when I left...he kept my bracelets and a piece of my heart that I know will never be the same as long as I walk this earth!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Dear Non-Public Profile Commentors,
Ever wonder why Christians aren't transparent? Take a look at the comments to many of my posts! I am transparent because I want other Christians to know I am not perfect like so many pretend to be. You know, put on the happy face and pretend you have it all together while the rest of us who are just honest aren't stable enough to pursue what God has for me.
Lovindaisies, I don't know who you are, and you don't know me. In fact, your profile isn't even available for me to have a remote idea of how you found my blog. If you are going to criticize you should at least put your identity out there. You don't have to agree with me. And if you knew me and was in the intimate details of my life and were one of the people whom I ask to speak truth into my life, then I would gladly receive it. But since none of those are true, let me ask you a question....why can't I hear God as clearly as Abraham? Do you not know that I serve the same God that Abraham served? Do you know that according to Matthew 11:11, there is no one (even Abraham) born of women who is greater than John the Baptist, yet the one who is least in the kingdom (so even if you think I am least because you see me as emotionally unstable) of heaven is greater than he! That means me...and you if you are a Christ Follower! So, yeah, I can hear God the same as Abraham! In fact, I have something Abraham didn't...I have the Holy Spirit who is my Counselor sent to abide with me and each of us who ask Jesus to be Lord of our lives! So in fact, I have a more intimate relationship with God than Abraham did! Because of the sacrifice Jesus made for me, and you, on the cross, I can go to the Father anytime I want through Jesus who sits at God's right hand in order to say "Not Guilty" at the attacks the enemy hurls at me in God's presence. Abraham had to wait for God to come to him or a Priest to take his prayer at the appointed time into the Holy of Holies. If you would like all the scripture references for the truths I just cited to check my theology, let me know. I will gladly look them up for you.
Or are you among the Christians who believe that God quit speaking when the Bible was finished? If so, then I can see where you have issue with the way I choose to live my life as none of it would make a bit of sense to you. You are looking at it through the limitations of a God who no longer performs miracles or calls us to do things beyond ourselves. Now, as I said, I don't know you, so I won't make those assumptions about you because that would be doing to you what you did to me. But regardless of what you believe, I believe that God is looking back and forth about this earth for people who will worship Him in spirit and in truth. I believe when He sees me, He sees an honest soul that wants her life changed by His power and wants to take a whole bunch of people with her on the journey instead of sitting silently in fear of judgement of people like you.
Am I emotionally stable? Well, considering all the Holy Spirit has whispered to me as I wrote this, I would say I am more than stable! My feet are planted on the Rock! As long as I choose the path He has for me, seek the counsel of those who know me and I trust because they share my belief in a God who is looking for a people group who want to see His miracles instead of putting Him constantly in a box, then yes, I am more than stable enough! My foundation is built on a Rock, not sinking sand! If I let the advice of those like you who don't know me derail the plans God has for me, that Lovindaisies would make me unstable!
To those who read my blog and like Lovindaisies may feel the need to comment because you think I am off in left field and without your comment that is from your hidden profile I will not have any truth spoken into my life, all sarcasm aside now, let me assure you that I make a practice to surround myself with people who I trust to be Godly and wise people to speak truth into my life. I make sure they are people just as strong as me that will not be intimidated by a strong personality and will flat out tell me when I am way out there! I seek those people out in accountability. In fact, I am meeting with one weekly right now. So don't feel the need to leave comments thinking if you don't, no one will speak truth to me. I'm trying to give you all doing that the benefit of the doubt here. And since you have never met the partner God gave me for this life, he has no problem standing up and telling me where I am wrong either! So all of you hidden profile commentors that don't know me can rest easy that truth will be spoken into my life if you don't...and since you don't really know me, maybe you shouldn't!
To quote a previous blog post of mine...probably one that made Lovindaisies think I was unstable ~ hee!hee! ~ I think this is a most appropriate time for this quote:
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Hallelujah! As Beth Moore's daughter, Melissa, said in one of Beth's recent podcasts, "Bring it on! Bring it on!" The fire will bring refining! Through the insults, hardtimes and difficulties, Christ's power will dwell in me!
Bring it on! Bring it on! This scripture just came to life for me as I responded to the comment on my lost post! For Christ's sake I delight in insults, in persecutions...I'm feeling stronger than I have in a long time! Confidence is back! The enemy will defeat me no more because I know Whose I am and to Whom I belong and Who calls me to care for His children. Stable? Yep! Rock Solid!
Lovindaisies, I don't know who you are, and you don't know me. In fact, your profile isn't even available for me to have a remote idea of how you found my blog. If you are going to criticize you should at least put your identity out there. You don't have to agree with me. And if you knew me and was in the intimate details of my life and were one of the people whom I ask to speak truth into my life, then I would gladly receive it. But since none of those are true, let me ask you a question....why can't I hear God as clearly as Abraham? Do you not know that I serve the same God that Abraham served? Do you know that according to Matthew 11:11, there is no one (even Abraham) born of women who is greater than John the Baptist, yet the one who is least in the kingdom (so even if you think I am least because you see me as emotionally unstable) of heaven is greater than he! That means me...and you if you are a Christ Follower! So, yeah, I can hear God the same as Abraham! In fact, I have something Abraham didn't...I have the Holy Spirit who is my Counselor sent to abide with me and each of us who ask Jesus to be Lord of our lives! So in fact, I have a more intimate relationship with God than Abraham did! Because of the sacrifice Jesus made for me, and you, on the cross, I can go to the Father anytime I want through Jesus who sits at God's right hand in order to say "Not Guilty" at the attacks the enemy hurls at me in God's presence. Abraham had to wait for God to come to him or a Priest to take his prayer at the appointed time into the Holy of Holies. If you would like all the scripture references for the truths I just cited to check my theology, let me know. I will gladly look them up for you.
Or are you among the Christians who believe that God quit speaking when the Bible was finished? If so, then I can see where you have issue with the way I choose to live my life as none of it would make a bit of sense to you. You are looking at it through the limitations of a God who no longer performs miracles or calls us to do things beyond ourselves. Now, as I said, I don't know you, so I won't make those assumptions about you because that would be doing to you what you did to me. But regardless of what you believe, I believe that God is looking back and forth about this earth for people who will worship Him in spirit and in truth. I believe when He sees me, He sees an honest soul that wants her life changed by His power and wants to take a whole bunch of people with her on the journey instead of sitting silently in fear of judgement of people like you.
Am I emotionally stable? Well, considering all the Holy Spirit has whispered to me as I wrote this, I would say I am more than stable! My feet are planted on the Rock! As long as I choose the path He has for me, seek the counsel of those who know me and I trust because they share my belief in a God who is looking for a people group who want to see His miracles instead of putting Him constantly in a box, then yes, I am more than stable enough! My foundation is built on a Rock, not sinking sand! If I let the advice of those like you who don't know me derail the plans God has for me, that Lovindaisies would make me unstable!
To those who read my blog and like Lovindaisies may feel the need to comment because you think I am off in left field and without your comment that is from your hidden profile I will not have any truth spoken into my life, all sarcasm aside now, let me assure you that I make a practice to surround myself with people who I trust to be Godly and wise people to speak truth into my life. I make sure they are people just as strong as me that will not be intimidated by a strong personality and will flat out tell me when I am way out there! I seek those people out in accountability. In fact, I am meeting with one weekly right now. So don't feel the need to leave comments thinking if you don't, no one will speak truth to me. I'm trying to give you all doing that the benefit of the doubt here. And since you have never met the partner God gave me for this life, he has no problem standing up and telling me where I am wrong either! So all of you hidden profile commentors that don't know me can rest easy that truth will be spoken into my life if you don't...and since you don't really know me, maybe you shouldn't!
To quote a previous blog post of mine...probably one that made Lovindaisies think I was unstable ~ hee!hee! ~ I think this is a most appropriate time for this quote:
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Hallelujah! As Beth Moore's daughter, Melissa, said in one of Beth's recent podcasts, "Bring it on! Bring it on!" The fire will bring refining! Through the insults, hardtimes and difficulties, Christ's power will dwell in me!
Bring it on! Bring it on! This scripture just came to life for me as I responded to the comment on my lost post! For Christ's sake I delight in insults, in persecutions...I'm feeling stronger than I have in a long time! Confidence is back! The enemy will defeat me no more because I know Whose I am and to Whom I belong and Who calls me to care for His children. Stable? Yep! Rock Solid!
Friday, June 5, 2009
They Need YOU!
Please go to our website and read about two desperate needs! One is for this little boy who needs medical treatment not available in Liberia. His name is Matthew!
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He has taught me that I could adopt special needs kids when I am not traveling internationally! I love this little boy! He will die with out medical treatment! You can read more about his amazing story and how you can help here.
The other need is for these children! They live in Grand Kru. They are children without parents or a roof! The building you see is the one they live in, but it has no roof! All that is needed to complete the building is a chainsaw! Go here to read more about how you can help!
Please prayerfully consider these two needs. I have talked to countless ministries and all of us are struggling right now! Children are going hungry because people are not giving like they should! I don't want to get preachy here, but please consider giving of even just a little of the surplus God has given those of us here in America and trust God to take care of your tomorrow!
And if money is too tight to give even a dollar, then please pray that God would raise up those with money sitting in a bank to provide for His children! Thank you in advance for hearing this plea and answering the call!
Monday, November 3, 2008
Looking for a miracle!
There is a baby in need of a home. There is a home in need of a baby. What keeps them apart? $20K
Well, I posted a few days ago that I am looking for miracles...well, that was pretty vague. So here is a specific one!
You can look back over my posts and see that God has laid a baby girl on my heart....my first prayer for her was in April...I didn't know why I was needing to pray at that time, but I was overwhelmed with the need to pray...I believed it was something important, like mom was deciding not to abort, to place for aodption...something major! But John has really not been very open to the idea of more children...until the last few days. There was a situation that came up that brought the subject right to our front door, and we had to get the elephant out of the middle of the room so to speak!
Well, that situation, so far, has not materialized, but I did get an e-mail today about a baby girl born Oct 28. She is in Agency cradle care waiting for a family. We have the home study. We have the desire, we just don't have the $20K. I have no idea how we would get $20K in 24 hours, but that is the miracle I have asked God for this evening! We coudl probably get that in cash advance on our credit cards, but then we couldn't pay the minimums!
So I am leaving no stone unturned. If we don't have it and this baby finds a family before we get it, then there is my answer. Am I chasing something because it is just my desire and not God's will....I am willing to admit that is a possibility right now. But really, John coming to the conclusion that we could add a baby to our home is really a much bigger miracle than the $20K! Don't get my wrong, my husband is wonderful! But having more children was really not on his radar! This is him walking in obedience and faith! What we are all called to do!
So, here is how it goes! I am putting my donate button on the side. Let's see what God can do. I've never done anything like this before, but hey, if anyone can land $20K in my paypal account by in the morning, God can! So I have asked him for the money to bring this baby girl, all 5lbs 13 oz and 19 inches of her, into our home!
I will report back! I have heard so many stories over the years in my work of how families have literally been handed checks out of the blue for the amount needed for their adoption....I never dreamed that would happen to me, but with God all things are possible! So I am asking and waiting with anticipation!
Well, I posted a few days ago that I am looking for miracles...well, that was pretty vague. So here is a specific one!
You can look back over my posts and see that God has laid a baby girl on my heart....my first prayer for her was in April...I didn't know why I was needing to pray at that time, but I was overwhelmed with the need to pray...I believed it was something important, like mom was deciding not to abort, to place for aodption...something major! But John has really not been very open to the idea of more children...until the last few days. There was a situation that came up that brought the subject right to our front door, and we had to get the elephant out of the middle of the room so to speak!
Well, that situation, so far, has not materialized, but I did get an e-mail today about a baby girl born Oct 28. She is in Agency cradle care waiting for a family. We have the home study. We have the desire, we just don't have the $20K. I have no idea how we would get $20K in 24 hours, but that is the miracle I have asked God for this evening! We coudl probably get that in cash advance on our credit cards, but then we couldn't pay the minimums!
So I am leaving no stone unturned. If we don't have it and this baby finds a family before we get it, then there is my answer. Am I chasing something because it is just my desire and not God's will....I am willing to admit that is a possibility right now. But really, John coming to the conclusion that we could add a baby to our home is really a much bigger miracle than the $20K! Don't get my wrong, my husband is wonderful! But having more children was really not on his radar! This is him walking in obedience and faith! What we are all called to do!
So, here is how it goes! I am putting my donate button on the side. Let's see what God can do. I've never done anything like this before, but hey, if anyone can land $20K in my paypal account by in the morning, God can! So I have asked him for the money to bring this baby girl, all 5lbs 13 oz and 19 inches of her, into our home!
I will report back! I have heard so many stories over the years in my work of how families have literally been handed checks out of the blue for the amount needed for their adoption....I never dreamed that would happen to me, but with God all things are possible! So I am asking and waiting with anticipation!
Monday, October 27, 2008
I want to see the miracles!
I have felt since June that God has me on the top of a snowy hill sitting in a sled toppling back and forth, but not yet racing full speed ahead down the hill with all the thrill and anticipation and even a little fear that it would bring. You know, like the Grinch when he is on the hill about to race down to Whoville?
I have no idea what the "thing" is that will push me over the edge! But I think it is close! We have had friends in the past say that we are addrenaline junkies and go from one crisis to the next to avoid our issues. At first, I embraced that and tried to make sure we stopped. But lately, I am realizing that we are not adrenaline junikes, we are God junkies! And for that, I will not be ashamed!
I had the most intimate time with God I have ever had this past summer! I have seen more miracles in the past 6 months and seen the visible hand of God more than I have in my entire life....and I love it! I have tasted and seen that He is good, and I can't get enough! You see, those crisis as our friends saw them were the risks God called us to take in order to walk by faith. Can you walk by faith and not be on the edge? Isn't that what faith is? Being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see?! Yes we adopted a baby boy when our marriage was on the rocks....that was 7 years ago and we are still married! What if we had let our marriage issues keep us from adopting him because things weren't "just right" for us to do it? We would have missed out on more than I can even imagine! What if we had not bought a house that hadn't been lived in for over 8 years in a town with NO resale value? We wouldn't have started the adoption of the girls had we not moved because our current house was too small..we wouldn't have had the money to move here when we needed if we hadn't had the huge blessing of an unbelievable profit in that town with NO resale value, what if I had quit the agency when things were so tuff they took the very life out of me and my family instead of pesevering and "shoring up the stakes"? I would have missed a trip to Liberia that saw God move in mighty ways across a government that had been allowed to stop adoptions! No it is not adrenaline I seek, but a life fully sold out, no reservations for God!
I realized that this week as I heard God call us to the next faith walk! It is big! I am not ready to share it here yet, but stay tuned! As I got up from my quiet times this weekend, I was energized in a way I haven't been before...and through maturity of the last few years, I was energized not just for the "big thing", but for the daily tasks that need to happen to make sure my family is cared for, my home is running smoothly, etc while I wait for the "thing" that pushes us over the edge of that hill to run full speed ahead after God.
See, I firmly believe that the end time is drawing near. I am no Biblical scholar, and I have no real "proof" to base that on. It is just something I feel in my Spirit. We have to do more....people are dieing to know the hope that we have! I believe God is seeking people who will worship in Spirit and in truth...not just on Sunday when the music is playing, but Monday through Saturday too when life is rolling. I believe He wants to show His glory! I believe He is looking for people willing to walk outside the box, take the risks, let the faith walk take them over the hill so that He can show miracle after miracle! I believe that the dead can still be raised! Have I seen it, no! But God says in His Word that He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow! Yesterday He did it, so that means He can to it today and tomorrow also!
As I sit with people and talk, really listen more than talk, I am realzing that I am more and more of a Jesus Freak with each passing day! My mind has truly been transformed. Ifind that people around me don't understand me, and I really don't understand them. I see the things that people around me are chasing after, and I have no interest in them. I am not saying that I am above them, please do not hear me say that! I am just different. I find the most difference to be among "Christians". I really don't 'get' most of them. God has done a work in me that has taken me to a place that I never dreamed or imagined. I still have my worldly battles..food, wanting a bigger/nicer house (even though the one He has blessed me with is more than I ever truly believed I would have), wanting to be able to buy the latest fashions for me and the kids, wanted sculptured nails to look like everyone else, etc, etc... But for the most part, I am finding I want to seek God more than I want to chase after these things and I am just trying to find the balance. But for me to not share with the people who are seeking in some way the knowledge I have and the hope that I have would be the biggest mistake and the biggest waste of my experiences I can think of!
So I have stopped worrying about being different and gladly wear the title Jesus Freak! Yes, it causes much frustration at times...many times...because people do not understand me! But that is ok! One day, every knee will bow and every tongue will confess...and I want to be on the front row!
So stay tuned....I believe in miracles, and I expect big ones in my life over the next months! I believe there is a movement in the body for just this thing! I have many friends across the cyber world who understand what I am saying exactly...so if you are in the same place, leave a comment with your blog address! Tell us about your miracles or the journey God has you on that you know will end in a miracle! Let's encourage one another in this walk we are on! I can't wait to see what God has in store, can you?
I have no idea what the "thing" is that will push me over the edge! But I think it is close! We have had friends in the past say that we are addrenaline junkies and go from one crisis to the next to avoid our issues. At first, I embraced that and tried to make sure we stopped. But lately, I am realizing that we are not adrenaline junikes, we are God junkies! And for that, I will not be ashamed!
I had the most intimate time with God I have ever had this past summer! I have seen more miracles in the past 6 months and seen the visible hand of God more than I have in my entire life....and I love it! I have tasted and seen that He is good, and I can't get enough! You see, those crisis as our friends saw them were the risks God called us to take in order to walk by faith. Can you walk by faith and not be on the edge? Isn't that what faith is? Being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see?! Yes we adopted a baby boy when our marriage was on the rocks....that was 7 years ago and we are still married! What if we had let our marriage issues keep us from adopting him because things weren't "just right" for us to do it? We would have missed out on more than I can even imagine! What if we had not bought a house that hadn't been lived in for over 8 years in a town with NO resale value? We wouldn't have started the adoption of the girls had we not moved because our current house was too small..we wouldn't have had the money to move here when we needed if we hadn't had the huge blessing of an unbelievable profit in that town with NO resale value, what if I had quit the agency when things were so tuff they took the very life out of me and my family instead of pesevering and "shoring up the stakes"? I would have missed a trip to Liberia that saw God move in mighty ways across a government that had been allowed to stop adoptions! No it is not adrenaline I seek, but a life fully sold out, no reservations for God!
I realized that this week as I heard God call us to the next faith walk! It is big! I am not ready to share it here yet, but stay tuned! As I got up from my quiet times this weekend, I was energized in a way I haven't been before...and through maturity of the last few years, I was energized not just for the "big thing", but for the daily tasks that need to happen to make sure my family is cared for, my home is running smoothly, etc while I wait for the "thing" that pushes us over the edge of that hill to run full speed ahead after God.
See, I firmly believe that the end time is drawing near. I am no Biblical scholar, and I have no real "proof" to base that on. It is just something I feel in my Spirit. We have to do more....people are dieing to know the hope that we have! I believe God is seeking people who will worship in Spirit and in truth...not just on Sunday when the music is playing, but Monday through Saturday too when life is rolling. I believe He wants to show His glory! I believe He is looking for people willing to walk outside the box, take the risks, let the faith walk take them over the hill so that He can show miracle after miracle! I believe that the dead can still be raised! Have I seen it, no! But God says in His Word that He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow! Yesterday He did it, so that means He can to it today and tomorrow also!
As I sit with people and talk, really listen more than talk, I am realzing that I am more and more of a Jesus Freak with each passing day! My mind has truly been transformed. Ifind that people around me don't understand me, and I really don't understand them. I see the things that people around me are chasing after, and I have no interest in them. I am not saying that I am above them, please do not hear me say that! I am just different. I find the most difference to be among "Christians". I really don't 'get' most of them. God has done a work in me that has taken me to a place that I never dreamed or imagined. I still have my worldly battles..food, wanting a bigger/nicer house (even though the one He has blessed me with is more than I ever truly believed I would have), wanting to be able to buy the latest fashions for me and the kids, wanted sculptured nails to look like everyone else, etc, etc... But for the most part, I am finding I want to seek God more than I want to chase after these things and I am just trying to find the balance. But for me to not share with the people who are seeking in some way the knowledge I have and the hope that I have would be the biggest mistake and the biggest waste of my experiences I can think of!
So I have stopped worrying about being different and gladly wear the title Jesus Freak! Yes, it causes much frustration at times...many times...because people do not understand me! But that is ok! One day, every knee will bow and every tongue will confess...and I want to be on the front row!
So stay tuned....I believe in miracles, and I expect big ones in my life over the next months! I believe there is a movement in the body for just this thing! I have many friends across the cyber world who understand what I am saying exactly...so if you are in the same place, leave a comment with your blog address! Tell us about your miracles or the journey God has you on that you know will end in a miracle! Let's encourage one another in this walk we are on! I can't wait to see what God has in store, can you?
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