Never Have I Been More Thankful for Trials

As we have walked the past few weeks processing the news that Ava is losing brain mass and are waiting on an official diagnosis of a terminal illness, I have found many things to be thankful for.

First, I am thankful for my large family! We told our oldest three the day we learned of the news. The way they responded blessed me beyond words! I knew that if no one else in the entire world walked with us, we would be ok because we had each other. With the roads we have walked the past 4 years, being able to rest in that was truly miraculous and a precious gift from God!

I am also thankful for the amazing community of Decatur. I immediately knew that we would not walk this alone. We have close friends all the way to acquaintances who we know would do anything we asked in a time of need. Ava has a class of friends who genuinely love her! With her struggles, it would be so easy to cast her aside as a social misfit and real pain in the you know what! But instead they respond with grace, understanding, and love! Even to the boys she messages and even texts sometimes relentlessly telling them she has a crush on them - they respond with appropriate, loving answers! I don't take that for granted!

I am thankful God placed it on my parents' hear to move close to us! We live closer now than we have in 18 years! They will be an invaluable support emotionally as well as in day to day life in the coming months and years! I am so thankful for them!

I have been asking for a full brain MRI for years only to be told there is no need. The one done in 2009 didn't show anything, so a new one would not be useful. At first when we found out it would have in fact shown something, I was angry they had not done one when I asked. But immediately, God answered my anger with "would you really have wanted to know all this time?!" And the answer to that is a resounding NO! I am so thankful for the years of wonderful bliss we have lived in not knowing what the future held and just enjoying our sweet girl for the amazing creation of God that she is!

But truly what I am most thankful for are the trials that have brought me to this point in my life! I remember as a young adult and fairly immature Christian reading in James 1 where I was supposed to consider it pure joy to face trials of many kinds. What?! I should be happy things are hard?! The scripture explains itself: "because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  I can remember a season where I begged God for relief from lessons. I actually told him I did not want to mature anymore for awhile! I am so thankful he did not give me what I asked for!

When we taught youth in Cotton Center, I would tell them that God will never take you over a mountain before he takes you over the ant hill. I learned early in my walk with Him that He strengthened us bit by bit. If I would let him teach me in the trip over the ant hill, then I would take the trip over the mountain much more gracefully and peacefully.

As I have walked through one of the deepest valleys of my life - being told a child is dying - I have time and again thanked God for the Truths that are now part of the fabric of my belief system - they are who I am not just what I think.

When we miscarried our first baby in 1999, a woman of God who I very much admired shared that God was teaching me to let go of children. At the time my 25 year old self  was offended. But as I have lost so many children, that Word has come back to me time and time again. I now know it was actually a Word of peace. We lost our Hope to a miscarriage, we lost Addy to death before we ever met her yet we loved her as if we had raised her those three years of her life, we lost Eden to a failed adoption after I spent three weeks with her and bonded in a miraculous way only to have not seen her again in 13 years! We have even lost a child to the schemes of the enemy - for what we pray is temporary. I have said numerous times that I have lost children just about any way you can except through death while they lived with me. When we lost Hope in our miscarriage, the lesson I walked away from that I have been forever grateful for is that my children are not mine! The ones I birthed are not mine, the ones I have adopted are not mine, and the ones who call my house home are not mine - they are HIS! He entrusts them to me to raise and equip and train for Kingdom purposes, and it is my true honor to walk with each one of them in this life for that purpose!

But it is not just the loss of children that has prepared me for this moment. It is so many trials I have walked. Sitting alone with my thoughts and emotions the last few weeks, never once have I asked God "why?". For one, that has never really gone well for me! God has never really felt the need to explain himself to me in most cases when I ask that question - He is God, and I am not - that's why. But I have not even asked. Mainly because I trust Him. I fully trust Him.

Through the trials I have walked in my 44 years on this earth, his sovereignty is settled. I know this is not a surprise to Him. In fact, this is a result of Ava's genetic make up  - it is literally how He knit her together! He knows yesterday, today, and tomorrow - none of it is a surprise! Many might ask why that doesn't make me angry. Well, because God's love for me and His goodness have also been settled long ago in my spirit and soul. I have walked many trials that I could not explain and could not in the midst of it see any good. But those same trials now are spring boards into my calling and my ability to walk with others today. I know God loves me. God is good! He is not just good when the answer is what we want to hear, He is good no matter what! I know that. He has shown that to me over my lifetime. I don't question it. I believe it.

Because of these lessons and these Truths that are a part of my being now, my faith is truly a refuge! He is my Strong Tower that I can run to and be safe! I have spent many evenings just sitting, crying, asking God to "hold me". And He does. From the moment we received the news up until the typing of these words, I have had nothing but undeniable PEACE! I should be frantic, worried, anxious, fearful - and there are moments of that as the enemy tries to steal our joy and peace - but those moments are fleeting and are quickly replaced with supernatural, unexplained, oh so wonderful PEACE. It is the most precious gift my Heavenly Father has ever given me!

If you wonder if God is real, I can tell you without a doubt HE IS!!! How do I know? Because He has shown Himself faithful to me! He has answered me when I have cried out! He has comforted me when there was no comfort to be had from the things this world had to offer. He has filled me with joy and peace that surpasses all human understanding. But to get here, I had to yield to Him. I had to walk in obedience to Him. I had to let Him take the lead and trust Him for the outcome. Never have I ever been more thankful for the lessons I have learned as I walked with Him than I am today!

Stable and Fixed

I have been a bit quiet on here lately.  Mostly because I haven't had a lot of thoughts that I could really put into words or what I could was not really suitable for a public forum.  It's been a hard few weeks!  God is teaching me much and continuing to draw me closer to Him and for that I am thankful.  But the biggest lesson He is teaching me is the lesson of remaining stable and fixed.

Its funny how scriptures that I have read before, or even memorized, now have new meaning when I think of them through this lesson!  Scriptures like Isaiah 40:31 that says "those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." 

I texted a friend who I felt could relate the other day and described this season of life in this way.  I feel as though I am standing on a board with one foot on each end, spread eagle so to speak.  But the middle of the board is on a stability ball.  The slightest pressure on one foot or the other and I will bite the dust!  It seems as if just about the time I get my balance, we get a call about in issue with Paizley, a friend says something that brings the hurt in my heart to the surface, I see a baby about Peighton's age, and the pressure is applied to one side or the other and the balance is gone.  My arms go to flailing, my knees go to rocking all in an effort to recover the balance.  I don't like the flailing stage!  And what God keeps showing me is how much energy I waist flailing when He intends for me to be so in tune with Him that I can walk through any circumstances and never lose my balance. 

Please understand, I am not saying stuff feelings or ignore hurts.  I am not saying be a door mat to those who want to trample you.  In fact, its quite the opposite.  Stuffing the feelings only adds weight to my shoulders as I try to maintain that balance with one foot on each side of the teetering board.  What God is saying is to roll my cares on Him!  Truly trust Him with my feelings and the outcome of the situation...whether its Peighton's safety or paying the bills next month, He is teaching me to fully and completely release my cares and worries to Him!

A little over a year ago, when I literally thought I was losing my mind, God gave me Isaiah 26:3, "You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You."  I would speak that out loud until the peace would come back!  It was the scripture God gave me to "reset" so to speak my balance.  And as I have walked the past few weeks, it has been my life line! 

When something comes along that knocks me off balance, or I just start to get that restless or anxious feeling rising up in me, I know my focus is off!  I go to scripture in order to regain the balance and to remain hidden in the Secret Place, "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand].  He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings shall you trust and find refuge." Psalm 91:1,4 

No matter what my circumstances say, there is a Secret Place where I can remain stable and fixed!  God literally hides us from the enemy when we remain in that place.  We are untouchable!  It doesn't mean bad things can't happen to us...it only means when bad things do happen, they don't send us flailing!  Just like Isaiah 40:31 says, we will soar...we will rise above our circumstances and walk through these trials with out them taking over our emotions and wrecking our balance.  Kind of like the three Bendagos as they were thrown in the fire but came out not even smelling like smoke after Jesus appeared in the fire with them!  Jesus is teaching me to recognize Him standing with me in the fire and know that as long as I look into His face and let Him dictate the steps I take, the battles I fight, the battles I lay down, I will walk out of these fires not even smelling like smoke! 

Laying Down!

So my last post (well last one before the PINK news!) was about picking my life up. I made a conscious decision to lay it back down. This morning both of my devotions were on joy in the midst of trial. I am rejoicing as I read them because yesterday, I experienced that in a way I may never have, because I chose to lay my life down at the feet of my Savior!

Yesterday I dealt with some of the most difficult issues I have ever faced in my life while running a home with 7 children solo and meeting deadlines to get three home studies completed, two of which are on time lines that could mean life or death for the children. I don't say all that to toot my horn, believe me! If anything I have learned over the course of the last 10 years it is that I. AM. NOTHING. without Christ! The days I don't lay it down and let Him drive this car are they days I crash and burn.

But yesterday, I made a conscious decision to lay my life down several times during the day. Going back to scripture when I needed to in order to refocus, in order to not become overwhelmed by the circumstance and situations around me. And you know what? IT. WORKED.

I could read those devotions this morning praising God for the tough things in my life right now. I understand what James means when he writes, "consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort of fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience." James 1:2-3 AMP I used to read that and wonder what in the world that guy was smoking when he wrote that...and whatever it was, I wanted some!

Well, I've found what he was "smoking"! It was JESUS! And I got me some...and on the days I focus on that, I am able to walk in that same joy and peace...precious peace..regardless of what is swirling around me!

Oswald Chambers says it this way, "Paul says this is the reason we are more than conquerors in all these things, super-victors, with a joy we would not have but for the things which look as if they are going to overwhelm us...tribulation, distress, persecution, produce in us the super-joy; they are not things to fight. We are more than conquerors through Him in all these things, not in spite of them, but in the midst of them. The experiences of life, terrible or monotonous impotent to touch the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Our Utmost for His Highest for March 7. And Sarah Young puts it beautifully in Jesus Calling on her entry for March 7 ~ "Let me help you through this day. The challenges you face are far too great for you to handle alone. You are keenly aware of your helplessness in the scheme of events you face. This awareness opens up a choice: to doggedly go it alone or to walk with Me in humble steps of dependence...So, consider it all joy whenever you are enveloped in various trials. These are gifts from Me, reminding you to rely on Me alone."

God, thank you for my trials! Thank you that they push me further into You and into the depths of who You are! Thank you for walking with me through them. Thank you Holy Spirit for whispering in my ear the words to say, the truths of situations that counteract what the enemy would have me believe. Thank you, oh thank you God, for your peace that passes all understanding so that while the waves are swirling around me, I can stand on top of the water, eyes focused on you and be calm and peaceful. Thank you for allowing me to walk this path. Forgive me for the times I don't see You in it or ask that this cup be taken from me. I ask for you to remind me today when I need to refocus so that what is around the bend ahead of me that only You can see doesn't take me off guard. Thank you for loving me enough to be an ever present God...not just a God of eternity, but a God right now! I love you and am honored to be your daughter! In Jesus name, AMEN!