The Journey: Time with the family

So today we spent a couple of hours with the family - Baby Girl's maternal grandmother and half-siblings. It is all just so surreal. I have never been a cheerleader for open-adoption, and still am not really, just one more way I am politically incorrect in the adoption world. However, I am enjoying seeing where this relationship with Baby Girl's family goes. The grandmother respects boundaries, in fact, we haven't really had to put any up because she is very guarded about being intrusive. We text off and on to update her on Baby Girl's progress, and I e-mail her pictures every now and then.

It has put me in a position I never really wanted to be in, but at the same time am enjoying. God, once again, is stretching me, and this time, it is pretty enjoyable! From some of the questions Noah asks, I feel having a relationship with Baby Girl's biological half-siblings will be beneficial. We will have answers for her that we don't have for Noah. We have told Baby Girl's Grandmother from the beginning that we want to maintain contact with her and the children. We will let Baby Girl dictate what the "contact" looks like. If at anytime when she is older, it becomes confusing or she asks to not be involved with the biological family, we will honor that. It is unfamiliar ground...quite unnatural territory as you look at children who look just like the mother of the baby you hold and care for and wonder if she will look just like them? You know the pain some of those children have been through in years past, and you pray that the baby you love as your own for today will never have to face those same pains.

Not really sure what emotions are going through me right now...not really sure what to do with what emotions I have. This is all unfamiliar, unnatural and unreal! I feel like I am on the outside looking in so many times as I have always said I wanted to foster, but just couldn't do it because I couldn't let go. Some days, I stare at the chunky cheeks creased in a smile at me and wonder how I got here! How did I end up with this precious baby girl sitting in my lap staring up at me with such trusting eyes? Will I ever have to let those eyes go? Will I ever have to tell her good-bye? If I do, will I survive? Well, the answer to that is "yes", but sometimes it feels like it would be "NO!"

As I struggle through the emotions sometimes, God gently reminds me of something He gave me several weeks ago when I was talking to a friend about fostering. I realized as I talked about my fears of letting Baby Girl go, and God quietly spoke, "You are only promised today with all of your children. I have not promised you tomorrow with any of them." As I hear those words, Addy's sweet face, the one from the only picture we have of her, crept into my mind! The sound of Eden screaming as she was ripped from my came flooding through my ears - and I knew He spoke Truth. Today is all I am promised with any of my children! I don't love my other four children less because there is a chance they will not be here tomorrow. Why would I love her any less either? So my saying now is that we love Baby Girl for today because for today, she is ours! Tomorrow will come and then it will be today, and if we have her, we will love her....just as I do all my children!

And so The Journey continues....