The Past Few Weeks: Training Ground

The past 8 weeks since I took the director's job at the daycare have been challenging to say the least.  Many have asked "why did you do that?!"  Most days I can only reply with, "I don't know! I really wonder if I missed it!"  But the last week, God has really revealed Himself to me and the purpose of this current journey.

When God told me to take it, He said it would be a training ground.  That never really excites me because training means stretching, growing, and often pain.  This has been no different!  But the journey has been pretty amazing even in the challenges!

When I agreed to take on the daycare, it was understood that it was running itself, and I would just be supervising and making sure it maintained and maybe took it up another level.  I was excited about painting walls and doing fluffy stuff!  Eight weeks in, I know that was not the case at all.  It has been a very intense time of trying to put things in order.  There were many times I doubted if I would succeed.  But this week, I finally felt a little breakthrough and can see some progress!  And I have managed to paint a few walls with the help of some amazing church family and my parents!

But the real progress has been internal for me.  I have learned to put aside my identity as a stay-at-home mom.  Breakthrough in the battle between daycare, agency and home came about week 6 when I was backing out of my driveway in tears again because I was so overwhelmed with the weight of all that my day held.  Running two non-profit organizations licensed by the state and being mom to 7 was just more than I could handle in that moment.  Then the still small voice came....do you trust Me?  That seems to be a question I hear a lot lately!  And in that moment, I realized that I was doubting once again that God knew what was best for me....and my kids!  Going to work full time like this could not be in the best interest of my babies who are now in a daycare or mother's day out 5 days a week!  In 13 years and 7 kids, this is the first time I have ever used a daycare.  My entire definition, identity and foundation as a mom was rocked to the core!  I knew God called me to the daycare, but I saw the daycare as detrimental to my family - in particular my little guys.  So God asked, do I trust Him?  I had to make a choice in that moment.  Would I continue to stand on my "right" to be a stat at home mom and hold onto what I believed about what was best for my kids, or would I trust that God loves my kids and me and would never call me to something that would bring harm.  His plans are always for my good and always for my children's good.  Driving to work that day, I told God with my verbal words that I trust His plan and trust that He will carry us through.

That stopped the internal wrestling, but it didn't stop all the battles!  I have been sick in one way or another pretty much since I started the job.  It was actually a fear I had when I said yes to God!  I even wrote it in a prayer journal.  God told me then that the illness would be spiritual in nature.  So for the past couple of weeks, I have been praying against the illness.  One would stop, and another would come.  Friday was the worst!  All last week, I would wake up in them middle of the night with an unexplainable knowledge that wars were going on.  I would pray, quote scriptures that came to mind, cry out to God....and eventually go back to sleep.  I would wake up in the morning with a dread of what I would face that day.  Friday, I felt horrible.  The stomach bug I had been fighting for almost two weeks was still having its effects, the cold or allergies I've been fighting had my head feeling like it would explode, I had a pain across my shoulder blades from sleeping on elevated pillows so I wouldn't cough all night.  I just wanted to pull the covers over my eyes, take some medicine to knock me out and go back to sleep.  But I knew if I did that, when I woke up, it would all still be there!  God reminded me of some scriptures I had read on Thursday morning the week before. They were scriptures our pastor had give us the previous Wednesday and they all had to do with perseverance and pressing on in order to receive the promise or to see hope fulfilled.  (Hebrews 6:10, 1 Thesselonians 1:2, Isaiah 61:10) So with those versus going through my head, I got out of bed and pressed on.  I didn't move very fast.  I was late taking the little guys to mother's day out.  I didn't get all done I intended before I had to get Callie to school and I was walking through Sam's - still not moving very quickly - getting snacks for the daycare.  I was beating myself up as I so often do.  Then the small voice reminded me, "but you are up and accomplishing things for this day."  I stood a little taller - that's right!  I didn't give into the despair and dread!  I got up and kept moving!

In that moment God reminded me of my prayer to learn to live from heaven to earth - to live based on God's promises and His words to me rather than earthly circumstances.  In that moment, God said, "You did it!" I realized then that the last few weeks have not been the physical training ground I thought they were...just teaching me how to work more full time and learn to manage home and job.  But God has literally been training me in weapons of spiritual warfare while the battles raged around and in me.  And I knew I had won at least that one battle that day!  God reminded me that I had not let circumstances dictate my day.  I had gone to Him, asked Him what He wanted of me that day, and I did it despite physical circumstances.  As I thought back over the past three weeks in particular since I told God I would trust Him and committed to staying at the daycare while still working Addy's Hope (which is busier now that it has EVER been!), I questioned why even after my commitment to no longer question God the attacks kept coming...and even got a little more intense.  Immediately, the words, "Have you considered my servant Job?" came to mind.  (Job 1:8)  Notice the words stopped there..no HollyAnn is blameless and upright.  I am in no way trying to compare myself to Job or to say that my "suffering" comes anywhere even close to what Job suffered!  But I do believe in that moment God reminded me that there are times when He allows His servants to be tested and our loyalty and belief in Him to be tested.

I don't know what my future holds, but I know Who does know!  And I have no doubt that the last 8 weeks have been training me for something in my future that will require a deeper level of trust and commitment of and to God than I had before I took this position.  I am thankful I serve a God who trains and teaches me.  He doesn't just take us off a cliff without teaching us to fly first!

I don't know that I have done a very good job of truly explaining this lesson, but I felt an urgency to get it out on the blog....so I pray whoever needed to known you are not alone in your struggles or on your battles has been encouraged by my words!  God is preparing His Church for the work He has for us!  It is an exciting time to be alive!  I believe we will begin to see God revealing Himself more and more in tangible, real ways!  It will be like living at "church camp" every day!  He is equipping us for the days to come!  Let's be ready...and let's be willing!

Saying Yes

I really should be getting on the road as I return home to my family today, but I know the opportunity to share my experience this weekend and most recently this morning will escape me once the business of life takes over.  And I hope this story will encourage any of you who may be standing on the edge of a call and are trying to decide if you want to take that step of faith or turn around and run a different direction.

I came to our friends house this weekend to write the book on spiritual warfare in adoption.  When I left home Friday, there was really no question of "if" I would write it.  God has told me to, and my very act of making the time and arrangements and getting away this weekend was out of obedience to what God told me to do.  Period.

But once I started writing, the reason for the location so far from home and the time away became clear!  I spent most of yesterday in tears.  As I would write, the voices would taunt me with how controversial this topic will be.  I thought back to my years working in Liberia where I stood for ethics and would not pay bribes or work in shady ways to bring children home.  My reputation, my character, my ministry, my family, my sanity...it was all drug through the mud in that season of life.  Not exactly a place I want to return.  This past season has been a difficult one, but at lease it was a private season of refining.  We got to pick and choose who was in the know about our battles.  Liberia was not just out there, but even in the media at one point! The flashbacks made me reconsider writing the book. I found myself deleting entire lines and trying to rewrite them in a more politically correct or potentially less controversial way.

For a few hours, I really couldn't figure out what was happening.  At first I thought it was just the emotion of reliving part of the past few years, but I really didn't think that was eliciting the emotions I was feeling.  I wondered if this is what they call "writer's block".  But I finally realized what this weekend was about!  Yes, I was able to make progress on the book. I have written parts of five different chapters and over 6,000 words this weekend.  But this was not just about writing, it was about solidifying my acceptance of the task God has asked me to complete. It was about God seeking an answer from me about the task and me accepting the task knowing exactly what it could mean.  It was me saying YES in spite of all that could be on the path.  Ironically, it was me doing with this book what I am writing about families doing in their adoption journey!  Gotta love God's sense of humor!

At one point, Saturday afternoon, I started to delete all I had written and go home.  I was done and didn't want to continue writing or even consider making a finished product that would be published for others to read and scrutinize.  But on the way up here, I listened to a podcast about Christian writing.  One of the things that the podcast talked about was the reason for you to write.  One of those reasons was to change the world.  Now, I don't think my book will change the world, but my motivation for writing is that adoptive families need this information and it is not out there right now.

I have amazing prayer warriors as friends.  Twice on Saturday when I didn't think I could continue, I received text messages at just the right time encouraging me in what I am doing.  Those friends were the voices that silenced the other voices telling me to quit.

 This morning I went for a walk.  This is the path I was walking on

 I love going for walks as I walk and talk to God.  Not usually out loud but sometimes I even talk out loud!  I have always been able to hear God better and just feel closer to Him out in nature.  But this path wasn't all that inspiring, honestly.  Then I turned a corner and looked up....

This is what I saw!  It was as if God said, "walk into my sanctuary and sit a minute!" I walked under that tree into the grassy area just past the fence and a cool breeze blew as if the breath of God had just blown over me. I probably should have removed my sneakers.  That was how holy this ground felt as I walked into it!  I looked up and there was this rock - and God said, "Sit awhile."

I looked up and this was my view - the cool breeze still hanging around me.

 I don't know that I have ever felt the tangible presence of God in my life as I did in that moment.  I wasn't sure what to do.  Talking didn't seem appropriate.  I was afraid if I just sat, my mind would wonder and I would lose the moment.  So I did what I thought I should do in the presence of God, I wanted to sing a praise song.  I started to sing and the song that came to mind was from way back ...O God, You are my God, and I will ever praise you!  O God You are my God and I will ever praise You!  I will seek You in the morning, and I will learn to walk in Your ways..O God you are my God and I will ever praise You!  As I sang, God brought to mind the thoughts I had faced this weekend about the book.  He told me to look at the covering of the trees in this place, to feel the cool air. This path is learning to walk in His ways.  I know God gave me this moment to cling to if battles come over the content of the book.  He reminded me that He promises to be my protector, that He hides me in the shadow of His wings just like I was hidden in this place in the middle of dead grass and cleared land for new construction.  He reminded me that just last night John called me to tell me about a letter we received in the mail that ended a month long battle over a totally different issue but that had the potential to completely alter my life.  But God has promised me on that journey to be my protector and defender as well.  The timing of that letter is not lost on me.  He reminded me that when I get still, He will meet me.  He reminded me that obedience rarely happens without sacrifice on some level.  He asked me for a commitment to see this project through but reminded me with my commitment to see it through came His promise to never leave me or forsake me.

We serve a faithful, personal God!  I don't know what if any trials will come because of this book.  I know I now have specific prays for my prayer warriors about not just my writing of this book but about the reception of and the impact on the audience I am writing for.  But God so tenderly reminded me this morning that the outcome of the book is His to determine.  It's His job!  My job is simply to write the book in obedience.  My job is to say Yes to His call!