The Next Faith Journey: We could use your prayers....

So this is a picture of the room we are sleeping in now!

That's 5 beds you see with two more out of view....with two more that will move in tomorrow when the demo starts upstairs. We are two weeks into this "adventure" and to say that everyone's patience is running thin would be an understatement. We had some pretty significant tension this evening. Our kids really have been troopers...but everyone has their limits and we all feel like we are reaching ours.

So if we come to mind, we could use your prayers! John and I need wisdom on how to handle the next two or three weeks as the remodel completes. After tomorrow there is a good chance that we will not have a working bathroom in the house. We have a couple of options of places to stay that have been graciously offered to us. We just need to know the best way to make this work with us all intact in the end! 

I have done a lot of talking with different members of my family today about how hard this has been and how none of us wanted it like this. John and I have explained to our older kids again that our plan was to never live in the house in this condition, but circumstances were beyond our control. I am sure this is building character in them...and us...but some days you just don't want any more character, you simply want comfort, peace and a clean floor! That's kind of where we are all at today.

Yet even this evening as it was clear the enemy was ramping up his game on my family, I was reminded of a verse in Joshua that I have been studying. It's right before they are about to cross the Jordan in to the Promised Land. Joshua tells the tribes to prepare themselves because "tomorrow God will do wonders among you!" I don't know why we had to walk this path this way! Did John and I panic and make some decisions we didn't really pray through? Possibly! Did we do exactly what we needed to and God is just building character? Possibly! No matter the why, I know the enemy wants to use it to keep me out of my promised land, to keep my husband out of his promised land, and my kids out of their promised land! I know the enemy is stepping up his game as fatigue and weariness settle in. But I am not giving up! I am preparing myself and covering my family in prayer because I truly do believe that through this, God is going to do wonders! Wonders in, around and through us! Right now, the weariness is heavy...and three of the babies and me have some kind of upper respiratory thing going on, so we do covet your prayers for stamina and health as well as clear and precise plans for the coming week...and prayers for our contractors to have easy processes with no surprises and speedy work!  

Even as I type this I am reminded that tomorrow God will do wonders because it is closing day!! One closes at 8:15, and the other at 3:30! Thank you all for joining us on this journey! I have loved your comments and the messages you have shared with me through this process. So many in the Body are on journeys of faith! It's an exciting time to be alive! 

.....but for now, sleep! Good night! 

The Next Faith Journey: We are in....

It’s been awhile since I have written! Sorry for those who are following the blog…..God did move the mountains and our buyers found another lender to process their loan. However, the excitement over that fact soon waned as the reality of the next weeks started to seep in. The original plan was to live in our old house for a week (we got a one week lease back) so that we could get a significant way into remodeling the new house before we had to move in. We had hoped to have one floor of the house completed so that we could move into that while the rest was being done. With us not being able to close on our house, however, we could not start any type of construction.

So, we moved into the house that needs remodeling on mattresses with suitcases. Due to spending hours on the phone at the end of the move time trying to get a loan worked out so the sell of our house did not fall through, our packing was delayed significantly. So the end move became one great big mess! All the best plans for organization and packing to live were gone! Add to that the fact that when we move it is the equivalent of moving 2 and a half families! That’s a lot of stuff! We literally filled trailers and moved boxes and belongings from sun up to way past sundown for EIGHT days! To say we were exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually is an understatement! Add to that the dynamics of moving 8 kids, two of whom do not do change well, into mass chaos….well, you get the picture! And if that was not enough, we also threw in an emergency appendectomy after Noah came home from school last Monday in great pain and throwing up! We are definitely feeling the refining in this journey!

We had packed for 10 days of displacement. We are now going on week three! So life looks a little like this:

Just keeping it real here! 

The first few days living in the house, the excitement of actually being on the property carried me! That and fishing in the evenings with my favorite little people! It was surreal that we could walk out our backdoor and catch fish! All the kids were outside interacting with each other…that in itself is a miracle and made my mommy heart swell! But the reality of the chaos soon took over. That and the fact that we really had no end date. They were saying three weeks to close which meant three weeks of mass chaos before even bigger chaos to move out for the last of the remodel! My head could not even comprehend what that looked like. Add to that the daily tasks of trying to do laundry with nowhere to put the clothes, cooking meals with no pots, pans or utensils….you get the picture! I truly thought I was going to lose my mind! There were a couple of days where if could I find a way out, I would have taken it. I truly thought I had reached my mental capacity and something had to give! All the while, I am watching friends around me lose parents to cancer, lose babies to birthmoms changing their minds, friends dealing with loss of jobs and facing financial ruin…all while I am moaning and complaining about a blessing God is providing me. But here is what I have learned in my life, it is all about perspective! While I can look at those other circumstances and clearly see they are more severe than mine, the enemy tells lies and creates scenarios where my circumstances seem just as dire! My biggest mistake in this entire process was not spending every morning with Jesus! I was physically exhausted, so I tried to sleep longer than I should have. After about 5 days of that, I had no perspective except a worldly, circumstantial, satan ridden view of my life. And it looked like the current condition of chaos and yuck was going to last forever and be impossible to survive! It wasn’t until I got alone with Jesus…out under the trees in one of my favorite spots that I felt the weight and weariness lift off!

I have often read Exodous and wondered how the Israelites could grumble and complain and ask to go back to captivity given all they saw God do. However, I was just like the Israelites in this move! God had moved mountains! He had given me a faith stronger than any I had ever had to face the challenges of the loan without wavering one bit. I was so proud of how I had handled myself in the trials of the process…until the actual move! So what changed? What took me to a place of grumbling and complaining and seemingly hopelessness? It was one thing…taking my eyes of Jesus! It sounds so simple. And it really is. Just. That. Simple! I started looking at the waves around me, and I sank! But here is the deal, it only took one moment of worship and being reminded that my reality comes from heaven to earth to refocus myself! It was a quick reminder that when my emotions and feelings start heading for the pit, I better find some headphones or a quiet spot and get the Word or worship or both running through my mind to refuel, restore and renew me!

Right now we are set to close on both houses on Wednesday! That is 48 hours. Even in the chaos, John and I walk around our property in awe that we would ever own such a piece of heaven on earth! For a gal who grew up in the West Texas desert (which by the way I also think is beautiful!), to now sit under trees in plush grass with a tree lined pond in front of her truly feels like a dream. One of my new favorite de-stressers is to come out in the evenings and watch the fireflies as they start to light up the wooded area behind our house. I am ashamed that I grumbled and complained about such a blessing regardless of how hard the journey has been….BUT God loves me all the same! He doesn’t sit in disgust that I didn’t walk all of this journey well! The stress is not over! We are about to move all 10 of us into one living room! :) Prayers appreciated! Ha! But I am determined to end well! I am determined to keep my eyes on Jesus… on the blessings and not the circumstances! Can I encourage you to do the same in whatever journey you are facing that is stretching you? I know many who are facing much worse things than moving into a living area with 9 of their favorite people! But I know a God who is big enough and gracious enough and FAITHFUL enough to handle it no matter what it is!

I would love to pray with you for your circumstances to line up with heaven if you need to know someone is walking with you! Just leave me a comment if you are not on my Facebook! Or you can always email me at hollyann@addyshope.com if you need to know someone is praying and believing with you! Keep believing and looking in His face!  

the next FAITH Journey.....

So I knew God was asking us to take a step of faith when he asked us to move to a new house...and that's why I titled it "the next faith journey". What I didn't know was the measure of FAITH it was going to take to stay on the journey to the promised land and not just break free and run back to Egypt!

Yesterday at 5:00 we were told that the buyers of our house could not get their loan. I won't go into details to protect their privacy, but I will say that it was the poor actions of a lender that got us all at this point! These are amazing people with great credit...and a lender who didn't do his job!

But none the less, that left us without a buyer at 5:00 last night. When John told me, I was completely calm...a little startled, but no stress or anxiety or anger or sadness...just peace. Can I just tell you that is not me! When things fall apart like that, I jump to worse case scenarios and the "Really, God?! This is what your love looks like??" accusations! But this time I simply said, well that doesn't change what God has already said about the outcome. That house is ours! I spoke back all the things he had done along the way to confirm that we are supposed to move! There are MANY! Even yesterday....as I have already shared, our loan was slowed down because of our lender. But yesterday afternoon we got our clearance to close! God knew we would need a little hope, a little reminder that He is in the details no matter what else is going on!

I was introduced to Truth of living from Heaven to earth by an amazing woman of God who mentored me for almost 3 years. It is the Truths that I learned in my time with her as well as sermons and teachings out of Bethel Church in Redding that I know God is working in and through me right now. It is these truths that allow me to stand firm in what God has said...no matter the circumstances!

As I type this, our buyers do not have a loan. However, we are still planning to move on Thursday to our new house so our kids can start school. We can't start the remodel, so we will be camped out on mattresses! :) It's gonna be an adventure for sure! But we are not letting the enemy have any territory in this battle! God has said this is our promised land....and we are taking it! I told John yesterday as we processed the news, I can't imagine that the Israelites felt warm fuzzies as they saw the Egyptians closing in on them from one side and the Red Sea in front of them! I imagine there was some doubt and fear and anger in them as they looked at their circumstances. But with one command from God, the Red Sea parted and they were provided a way to their promised land and the defeat of their enemies all at once! I think that's where we stood yesterday...and still this morning. But I am facing the Red Sea just waiting for the dry ground to appear so we can run onto our land! Satan can eat my dust! ;)

God has already shown great favor and our buyers have their information with a lender that John knew. We should have an answer by this afternoon if this lender will approve them for the loan or not. This lender says there will be no problem closing in 2 to 3 weeks....another provision of the Lord. And even before we asked, the wonderful family we are buying the house from offered to let us move in and lease it for as long as we needed to so our kids could start school in their new school. Faithful. That is what my God is!

Why have we hit these bumps? I don't know. But I do know that through the bumps, I have found a new confidence in God's love for me! I have found a new confidence in my ability to ride the waves of the storm and not get seasick! I am truly thankful for the lessons.

None of this changes what God has said! It changes how we get there...and the logistics of it are still a little sketchy, but it doesn't change the outcome! Now, we continue to war through prayer and faith...and we wait for the earthly circumstances to line up with what we already know has been spoken in the heavenlies! I'll let you know just as soon as that sea parts!

The Next Faith Journey: Being Certain of what we do not see....

Oh, the journey! I can't say that I am loving the journey at the moment, but I can say I am loving the peace that I am experiencing in the turmoil! :)

So the plan was to close on the house we currently own yesterday, and close on the house we are buying today. The contractors were going to start working tomorrow. As I sit here tonight, we have not closed on either house! We have hit a couple of snags. Evidently there is ZERO customer service in lending for houses anymore! They wait until the day before closing to underwrite the loans and then have a gazillion hoops for you to jump through. Add onto that the three day required wait after you have signed disclosures, and you have a perfect storm!

But here is what I know. From the beginning as I have shared here, this has been a FAITH journey! Faith is defined in Hebrews 11 as being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see! Even as we received phone call after phone call today that meant delay after delay, I stood firm. I did not react physically or emotionally to the circumstances. At one point, John was relaying all that he had just discussed on a phone call. When he got done, I simply said, let's pray. We did. And then we kept packing. I told him that the enemy has tried to steal this promised land from us from the beginning! I don't know that I have ever been in such a battle where I was as aware as I am now of it actually being a spiritual battle! So today when the enemy tried to bring discouragement and despair, it did not work! I looked at John and said with surprise in my voice, "I am seriously not panicking! God's got this! He has made too many promises to drop us now! Let's keep packing!"

I am not tooting my own horn here..in fact just the exact opposite. Most of the times in situations like this, it matters not what I have thought God said in the past or what promises He has made for my victory, as soon as the bad news comes, I start wailing about how He never follows through or leaves me when I walk in obedience. I usually come around eventually to Truth, but I don' t usually respond in Truth. I usually throw a 42 year old version of a 2 year old tantrum!

But this journey has brought me to a place of trust, truly trusting God has my best interest at heart and loves me as a good, good, Father! He has drawn me close, hid me under His wings and been a strong tower for me to run to! I have learned facets of God's character that I have not known before. I think this is what James meant when he said, we should consider it "pure joy" when we fact trials because the testing of our faith brings about perseverance! And there is soooo much to be thankful for....buyers who are working just as hard as we are to get their loan closed and are communicating openly with us through the process, sellers who are more than generous and working with us despite delays, a beautiful property that in a few weeks I will be sitting looking out over as I type!

I can say that our faith has definitely been tested over the past 6 weeks in ways it hasn't been in a long time! The attacks have come from all sides! But tonight I go to bed at complete peace because I know that He who promised will be faithful to do what He said He would do! And around our house, we call that kickin' satan in the teeth!

The Next Faith Journey: He's no crystal ball....

So we are still on our faith journey to our promised land. It feels like our journey has hit a great big brick wall, but we are believing by faith that the wall will crumble! So we are pressing on!

I said from the beginning that I wanted to take this journey well...to not focus on the outcome but on the daily walk. I can say that some days, I have done a really good job at that. The last week has not been one of those days.

Our house is showing almost daily. That sounds like a great thing...and ultimately it is. But when you consider there are 10 people living in our home with 4 of them being small humans, keeping a house show ready is exhausting! I found myself crying out to God to please just tell me when the house would sell! His response was epic! He was gentle. I could picture Him sitting on His throne in all his glory, shaking his head with a huge smile and a belly laugh while he said, "HollyAnn! I am not a crystal ball!" Ouch! But he didn't stop there! He went on to remind me that he is not a crystal ball because he is relational! He knows if he would just say on June 12, a couple will look at your house and offer you $xxxxx for it, that I would say thank you and then go about my days in my self-reliant and human nature way! I would check that off as "done!" and truck along. But that is not what God wants. He wants me trusting Him. He wants me resting in His promise. He wants me using those promises and those times with Him to war against the doubt and lies and hopelessness that the enemy uses to rob my joy in the journey. I know this journey is training ground!

So I have had the "I am not a crystal ball" rolling around in my head for a few days. But every day that goes without an offer is an arrow the enemy throws at my weak places. I had to take an unexpected trip back to West Texas this weekend. Everything about the trip was a disaster. I was standing on faith for another area, and again, it didn't work as I had thought or prayed it would. Discouraged didn't even begin to describe my state of being. I was desperately trying to hold to Truths....desperately trying to not waiver or be double minded. And yet, I could feel the water from the waves of the storm I was riding starting to come into the boat....

On the plane ride home, I put on my headphones, cranked up the worship music and cried out to God! I love flying! While I know it is super silly and theologically unsound, I just feel closer to God in a plane! I love looking down on the earth below and imagining what God sees yet He singles me out of ALL of that and speaks so clearly and personally. It really makes a gal feel special! Yesterday was no different. As I looked down on all the landscape and thought about our house as well as the situation I had just left, God pointed out this section of trees. It looks like a path had been cut through the trees. God began to speak about the path and our journey of faith. You see if I was at that first bend in the path, I would not be able to see the end because of the curves and turns in the path as well as the trees blocking my view. Even if I had been told that end is there and it is 2.7 miles from you, I would not know where exactly the end was because of the turns and twists in the path. I would need the clear path to direct me. God reminded me that He is the cleared path! Just like I can look down and see the entire path from the plane, He can see my journey just the same! But a person standing at the first curve of the path would not be able to see what I see and might doubt whether the path really had an end or not. He reminded me that my time with him each morning would be what would show me where to step...and as I took that step, a new section of the cleared path would be visible just as it would be for a person walking this path I was looking at. But they would have to trust that by following the cleared sections, they would get where they wanted to go. And I would have to do the same with God!

Then He had one more nugget of truth for me in the path. Don't stop! If a person were to get frustrated at the first or second or third turn because they couldn't see the end yet, and they sat down in their frustration, they would never reach the end! God knew in my heart I was sitting down on our journey. I was weary and tired and just wanted to be at the end. So I sat down. He gave me that gentle nudge to get back on my feet and keep walking because the end is there...just as clearly as I could see the end of the path I was looking at!

So I came home ready to keep the faith! I want to hold His hand and walk this journey trusting, listening and developing even more intimacy with the One who knows the end at the beginning as we journey through the turns! I want to come out on the other side of this closer to Him than when I started. So I am walking on, and He is teaching me much about myself as we walk!

Carrying my Cross

I love how personal God is! I love how many chances He gives me! I love that even when I mess up, He takes me right back! There are a couple of really hard things going on with adoptions in Texas right now. I know without a doubt this is a battle God has called me to. I have tried to walk away - you know "the Lord will fight for you, you keep still" {Exodus 14:14}, but He brings it right back to my door step time and time again. I have finally accepted that this is part of my "for such a time as this" and a way to use so much of our personal as well as professional story that is full of heart ache for good!

But if I am honest with myself, while I have agreed this is my cross to bear, I have not carried it well. I have most definitely not counted it all joy when I have faced trials of many kinds. I have not persevered in order to produce proven character and most certainly did not have hope on many days. In fact, many days, I sat staring at a wall begging for a way out. It. is. hard.

As God would have it, we took communion together as a Body the Sunday after one of these particularly hard weeks. As I contemplated the cross, the load I had been asked to carry obviously waned in a big way! I dropped to my seat in sorrow and remorse that I had been such a complainer that week. Yes, I had been obedient, but I had not been a willing vessel. I had gone kicking and screaming...and kicking some more....and screaming some more!

But as I sat there asking God to forgive me for what the enemy was trying to make me feel like was a huge failure, the visual image of the movies we see with a crucifixion scene came to mind. You know the one where they lay the cross on Jesus' back, he takes two steps and falls to the ground from the weight of the cross and the exhaustion/pain of all he had endured previously and the huge wooden cross tumbles to the ground? That is the image that came to mind! Then that still small voice said, "Why are you being so hard on yourself? Even I had to have someone carry my own cross at some point!" You see the gospels of Mark, Luke and Matthew all state that another man had to carry Jesus' cross up the hill.

Wow! If Jesus struggled to carry his literal cross, why would I not think I would struggle at times to carry mine?! And you know what, the Holly Spirit assured me that day in that pew that He is ok with that! He was pleased that I was still waking the hill, dragging the cross. I hadn't laid it down and walked of, and I hadn't stop altogether! As long as I was continuing in my yes, He could and would continue to use my obedience!

What cross are you struggling to carry? Can I encourage you? It's OK to struggle! Just don't quit! Just don't let the enemy wind the mind games he plays! Keep on keeping on...even when you can't do it with "all joy", just do it! Because God can use even our whiny, limping, complaining, barely making it YES!

Trust Without Borders: When You Start to Sink

There is an amazing song by Hillsong that has been popular now for a year or more.  It goes like this:

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

We heard Him call us out upon the waters!  Two years ago today, we received a phone call that would forever change the course of our family.  Our daughter was leaving our grandchildren, then 3 weeks and 11 months old, with John's parents and returning to an abusive relationship.  CPS would be taking the children into custody the following Monday (it was a Wednesday & everything was shutting down for the July 4th holiday).  John and I had just talked the night before about "what ifs".  We both agreed that bringing these two babies into our home would require drastic sacrifice for our other 6 children.  Children who had already sacrificed much over the last two years as we had navigated life while adding three children and two grand-babies to our family! I already felt maxed out in every way - physically, emotionally and spiritually - & I knew they felt much the same. How in the world would I parent two more infants? How would we pay for two more children in diapers and still on formula?

The big girl in this picture, well she is amazing! 

But as soon as the call came in, God began to speak.  He illuminated every single step we were to take!  We learned we had legal rights that we had no idea we had...in fact had previously been told we did not have.  We heard God say, "Come to Me! Trust Me! Get out of the boat and walk this with me!" So we stepped out of the boat....onto the waters.

On July 5, a judge granted us temporary custody of our grand babies and we went from 6 children at home to 8! The ages were 13, almost 12, 8, 7, 3, just turned 2, 11 months, and 3 weeks! It really wasn't the "8" that was the problem.  It was the 3, 2, 11 months and 3 weeks that was a struggle!

The big boy in this picture, well he is amazing! 

You know when you take a huge leap of faith, there is a period of exhilaration that fuels you! Kind of like the adrenaline rush.  We had heard God and obeyed! It was fun trying to navigate our new life.  The older kids were excited about having the babies and helped out tremendously! We would keep sippee cup and diaper counts for each day just for fun....it was a ridiculous number for both!  Life seemed very surreal!  Friends brought donations by the car load...literally!  We were blessed beyond anything we could have hoped or imagined.  We were walking on water.

When we agreed to pursue custody, we never intended for it to be long term.  We fully believed that we would have them 6 months probably, a year at the maximum and they would go back to our daughter.  We believed it would be a wake-up call, and things would improve so that there was a safe environment for the children to return.

But days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months.  God would call us to keep expanding our trust borders even more and move 5 hours away from all support systems just one month after the babies moved in.  We had not been part of Ella's life for the first year, so she had no idea who we were.  The trauma in her life was extensive.  She pretty well screamed the majority of the time she was awake.  Most of the time she was inconsolable.  She would cry when you picked her up.  She would cry when you put her down. The first sell of our house would fall through, but we moved anyway because John had a start date and the school year was beginning.  So we moved with all the expenses that come with that (and in education, you don't get moving expenses), and we had to maintain two house payments for a couple of months.  John went to work, the older kids went to school, and I was left in a new house full of unpacked boxes, not knowing a single living soul, with four kids ages three and under.  Did you know you can't even go to the grocery store with that many small children as there is no where to put them all?!

It would begin what has become one of the darkest seasons of my life.  As I heard Oceans by Hillsong, the other day, I was struck by the lyrics as I reflected on the last two years.  God called me out up on the great unknown.  He asked us to trust Him, and we did.

So, what happened?!

Just like Peter, in those moments where we sank, I had taken my eyes off my Savior! The enemy had successfully stolen my joy and my abundant life making me angry and bitter with God for asking us to do something that was so hard, that literally took all I had every. single. day.  All I could think of was what my life would be like if we had not said yes to getting out of that boat.

You see, we had said yes to a life that required God's super on our natural to make it from morning to night.  And then, along the way, we had believed enough lies of the enemy that we began walking in the flesh.  We started looking around at the waves instead of focusing on the One who calms the storm.  We started letting circumstances be our guide instead of the faith that is sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see...the faith that it required to get out of the boat in the first place.

You can't say yes in faith and then remove your eyes from the Author and Perfector of your faith! You. Will. Sink.

What do you do then? You refocus.  You reclaim.  You recommit. Some days, I still go under water.  But those are usually the days that I hit snooze instead of getting out of bed and getting in the Word!

Last y ear!

When you start to sink, you also remember. You remember that this is a season! As we went to our small community's 4th of July celebration yesterday, we laughed.  We haven't done that as a family much the last few years.  We recalled last year's celebration when there were screams through most of it.  Which was pretty well our norm.  But this year, there were less screams and more giggles.  And next year, there will be even fewer screams and even more giggles...because this is a season!  And because healing is occurring...for all of us!

This year~ (The Sun was bright! :) )

As I start to find myself keeping my head above the water more and more, I think we will live again.  I am taking back the joy that is mine in Christ...even with a life that requires more than I think I have to give most days.  And on the days when I think it's "unfair" that He called me to this life, He gently reminds me that He gave his life for me, what then could be too much of him to ask? And He reminds me that my treasures are in heaven and not here on earth.  And I start to look around and see all that I have to be thankful for even in the midst of the chaos! I celebrate the small victories...like all of the kids were dressed in actual 4th of July clothes!  As silly as that sounds, it is a sign to me that I am beginning to be able to do the things that bring me joy in my life! Those little things have been beyond reach the last two years with all that just the daily tasks of life demanded.

Despite nearly drowning many times over the past two years, I am so thankfully when that call came in, we stepped out of the boat! It has forever changed me....and the little people that I call mine!

Just because she is so beautiful!

Just because he is so handsome!

What a Year!

This week we celebrated our one year anniversary in our new home, our new life....in our promised land.  If I had to describe it in one word - SURVIVAL.

And like never before I can relate to the Israelites who after being freed from slavery in Egypt, questioned whether they should have just remained in bondage versus facing the hardships and trials that their new adventure to the Promised Land brought them.

One year ago, I loaded up the van with the four oldest kids living with us and headed six hours away from my husband, my four babies, the majority of my belongings, my home I loved, my new kitchen God had given me, and every person we knew and both sets of our parents which meant all of our support system! But I was excited!  I remember coming up on Sweetwater where there are hundreds of windmills, the new kind that are enormous and white.  However it was dark, so you couldn't see the windmills, you could only see the red lights at the tops of them all blinking.  It was a sea of red blinking lights.  I had an excitement and anticipation swell up in my spirit as I felt God impress on me that the possibilities for all that I longed for were waiting in our new season in our new home and that they were as endless as the red blinking lights on the horizon.

But it took less than 12 hours for those possibilities to begin to seem few and far out of reach! We arrived at 1 am the morning of the first day of school.  I woke up very sleepy and exhausted kids just a few hours later to head to their first day of school in all new schools. We took first day of school pictures in front of the hotel fountain! Not everyone can say that, right?!

 Small town chick had come to big city and didn't have a clue where she was or what she was getting into with traffic that morning.  The elementary kids were 30 minutes late for their first day of school....and it pretty well went like that for the next few months!

We had just taken possession of the house...our stuff and the rest of the family wasn't here yet, but we took a picture on the staircase! I was so excited....then the moving van arrived with all the boxes!

In this year we not only moved away from all friends, family and support, but we encountered some of the biggest trials of our lives.  This year brought the news that our oldest daughter who we left behind in less than great circumstances had been badly beaten up by her boyfriend, and grand-baby number three had been conceived.  We went through two months of making two house payments that consumed over half our paycheck, we fought a custody battle for our two oldest grand babies, watched as our daughter signed termination of rights, started the process to adopt, saw the largest growth in Addy's Hope in five years meaning I would have to travel back to West Texas at least once a month, walked one child through severe morning and anger over our move, and then all the things any move means - new doctors, new child care, new church, endless boxes, redecorating, new paint, and it goes on and on! And beautiful baby number 3 made his debut in this world!

John's first day at work here was just three days after we moved into the house.  It was about noon that day that I realized I had not been left alone with all four of the babies since we had taken custody of the grands.  John had resigned his position to accept his new one just a few days after we had gotten custody of them.  With the transition happening and needing to take time off to not lose it, he was home during most of the time we were packing to move.  I stood in a house FULL of boxes with four children ages three and under wondering how I would ever get unpacked and have any sort of structure to life ever again!

It would be the fist of many times that circumstances would overwhelm me to the point that I would just sit down and cry.  It was all I could do.  In those moments, I became like a grumbling Israelite! It didn't matter what God has for me in the Promised Land, I couldn't see any of it because the circumstances were like the giants that already inhabited my land, and I saw no way around them.  I would have gone back to Midland in a heart beat if it had at all been possible.  None of the promises God had given about the move, none of the potential or possibilities mattered.  I was so overcome by what I saw that faith had no place.  I remember reading about the Israelites and wondering how they could see God do all He had done for them and still grumble.  I don't wonder anymore.  God's hand was all over our move, His hand was all over so many things over the past year, but it didn't matter.  I was still completely and totally overcome with the circumstances of my life.

This year has truly been one of SURVIVAL.  It has been a year of prayers like "God, give me enough strength to get out of bed. God, give me enough energy to make it to when John gets home and there will be another set of hands to change diapers and make sippee cups."  But as I look back over this year, another word comes to mind INTIMACY.  In my need to survive, I pressed into the throne of God like never before.  In my need to just make it one more step on many days, I learned to cry out however many times a day I needed to in order to just make it.  I learned to seek God above all else - because in my moments with Him were when the peace would come.  My moments with Him were when the voices of doubt, fear and insecurity would be silenced....even if for just a few minutes.

And now, 12 months later, there are still many overwhelming circumstances.  But that too has been a lesson of this move....once again learning to live from Heaven to Earth, not looking at circumstances but standing on the promises of God and holding fast to them until circumstance bow a knee and line up with the promises! I have learned to hold to the promises of God found in scripture like never before! I have truly learned what it is for his Word to by my very breath as it is all that kept me breathing!  I no longer ask John to take me back.  I still miss friends and family so badly it physically hurts at times, but as I go back to West Texas, each month, it feels less and less like "home".  Each trip God shows me something else to be thankful for in our move.

But probably the most valuable lesson of the last year is God is faithful!  Even when I don't deserve it, even when I doubt, even when I am whining and complaining, He is still faithful!  I have come to a place  in my spiritual journey where even through the pain of "feeling" deserted, I could still say God is good.  I could still say He is faithful even if I don't see it yet.  Trials that would have left me doubting God's existence - and at times did leave me questioning Him for a moment - were now faced with a belief and stance that no matter what life looks like, I will not waiver in my belief that God is good and He is faithful! He met me right where I was so many times this year with a scripture, praise song or text from an old friend.  He was my everything when it felt like I had nothing.

I know that this season has brought endurance...a trait that I truly struggle with! And just as he has the past 12 months, as I woke me up at 4 and was unable to sleep thinking of all that needed to be done, the first scripture I see is James 1:3 NLT "For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow."  And this morning, as I reflect on the past year, I am thankful!  I am thankful that my endurance has had a chance to grow!  And I am thankful to be able to once again testify that God is faithful, meets you right where you are and stays true to His promises!

And I look forward to the next 12 months.....I am moving into the Promised Land, giants and all!  I am determined to gain all that is mine and not allow the enemy to steal any of it!

More of You, No Matter the Cost!

I've really got to stop writing posts like the last one!  Seems that every time I do, I'm challenged on the truth I put into words.  Later the same day that I had written the post, I received a letter in the mail that opened a firestorm of events in my life.  Events that would bring a first for me.  You know when you say on a phone call, "get this fixed or you will be speaking to my attorney?"  Well, I had to make good on that for the first time in my life yesterday!  Someday I will share details - but right now, please pray for me.  I am up against a system in our society that I have learned this week is known for it's retaliation and blackballing of people who whistle blow.  And anyone who knows me knows that nothing gets my blood boiling like injustice....and this system works with underprivileged people all the time!  If they are doing this to me, I cannot even imagine what they are doing to those who do not have an understanding of the system or have the means to fight this giant!  It is on their behalf that I will fight this!  I wear a bracelet that says, "Be the Change!"  Putting feet to that in this situation.

Then we get news about a family member that sent us to our knees in fear as well as concern and overwhelming sadness.  The battle with the social system had me once again wanting to walk away from the work that I do.  I know the enemy is out to get my ministry.  It is evident.  As I was in between phone calls on Monday dealing with the current issue, my phone rings and it is a reporter from the New Yorker calling to fact find on the piece I gave information for over a year ago (that honestly I thought had already gone to print and I just missed seeing it) about the corruption in adoption in Liberia when we worked there.  I am going to have to find the post of when we brought Toben home and re-post...not even sure I ever really posted about it because it was such a traumatic event at the time.  Google my name.  You will find a news article that says I trafficked children.  That was what we found when we got on US soil with our precious Toben after a 10 day fight!  Working internationally and accused of child trafficking.  Working domestically, and now this.  It was as if God was sending me a message with the call from the New Yorker..."Remember what happened when the enemy did this?  You spent a couple of weeks worrying if the FBI was going to show up on your doorstep and arrest you.  Nothing came of that!  You almost laugh at it now.  You will do the same of this situation!"  It was in that moment that God solidified once again the call He has on my life.  I'm not special!  He has a call on all our lives...you have one on yours too!  And then He reminded me of the week I went to Austin and had some life transforming moments with Him.

I listened to Bill Johnson podcasts all the way to Austin that week.  He spoke right to my soul!  He taught on some things that God has used to literally transform my life, my thinking.  The podcast that challenged me the most was "Being the Sacrifice Fire Falls On".  Google it and listen to it, but beware!  It is life changing!  God reminded me yesterday that I had prayed the same prayer Bill Johnson prayed....more of you, God, no matter the cost!  When Bill Johnson prayed that, he woke up paralyzed three nights in a row.  It's an amazing testimony!

Within weeks of coming home from that trip where I prayed with all my being to experience more of God and to know Him at a different level than I ever have, a child left our family, my house was torn apart by a remodel, my marriage hit some bumps and my ministry is threatened!  Every area of my identity has been rocked!  The small voice came back, "Do you still mean it?  Do you really mean  whatever the cost?"  And in the face of all the conflict, especially the threatening of my ministry, and in a moment that I truly believe God was saying, "You can walk away!", I knew I really did mean it!  More of God, less of me, whatever the cost! Bill Johnson says it best:

"Doesn't matter what it costs.  I died to that a long time ago.  I'm not in this because of what I get, I'm in it because it's what I was born for.  I was summoned.  I was called by The Only One who has a right to rule my life. I was summoned, I was called by name.  I would be a fool to say no to that summons, that call, that invitation. [I have a desire] to be the offering, that which attracts God."

Don't hear me say that God puts us through trials for kicks or for His own pompous need for us to need Him.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  He allows trials in our lives for our own need of Him.  In our weakness is when He is strong. It is in our raw need that we see Him the most.  It is in our desperate times that we learn to lean on Him...when we literally have nothing or no one else. And that is where these events have left me!  Raw, vulnerable and totally open to the presence of God because He is the only One who can bring peace.  I have learned to find contentment in any and all circumstances.  I have learned to not be led by emotions.  I have learned to trust Him and fight the enemy not believing the lies the enemy tries to throw at me.  I have learned to live by faith - being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see - in a way I never have.  I have been challenged to believe that without faith it is impossible to please God and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him!  To believe any of that, I had to believe what I read in the Bible is truth and "reality" and not my circumstances!

And in the face of it all, I say, if I get a more intimate knowledge of God and relationship with God in the exchange, I say, YES!

Being a Bulldog

There is a woman I greatly admire who told me one morning at coffee that she saw me as a bulldog - when I get a hold of something, I latch on and don't let go. She meant it in a good way....meaning when a fight comes along for my family or my faith, I don't give up. The funny part is when she told me that, I felt much more like a weenie dog! I had lost all desire to "fight" and all faith that fighting would even get me anywhere but worn out.

Funny the things God uses to bring you out of pits! Those words that she probably didn't think mattered much have played over and over again in my head as I have clawed my way out of the pit I was in! If someone who doesn't even know me that well can see the fighter in me, then why would I lay down and let the enemy have me, my future and most importantly, my family?! This bulldog had let her guard down and was snoozing with the drool coming out her jowls while the enemy was having a field day with my family! And that's all it takes....just falling asleep. Satan doesn't have to actively pursue us or get in our business. If we fall asleep on our watch, especially us women who are charged with keeping our home and building up our husbands, then satan just sits back and watches as we and our families destroy ourselves.

We are by nature sinful (Psalm 51:5, 58:3; Ephesians 2:3). If left to our natural desires, we will destroy ourselves, and so will our husbands, and so will our children. God has reminded me of this so many times over the past few weeks! He has shown me again and again the fight that is ensuing for my family. I can't make the decisions for my children or my husband, but I CAN war for them! I can get on my knees and pray that God would protect them, that He would remove temptations, that He would strengthen their faith, etc, etc before they even get out of bed in the morning. And when I don't do that, I have fallen asleep on my watch!

Well, this bulldog has woken up, shaken off the drool and latched on to the things trying to destroy my family! And I'm not only latched on, I'm shaking my head! When I finally let go of these things, they are going to know not to mess with me or my family again! This bulldog is back on guard and no one goes down on my watch! Come on all you moms and wives! Get your bulldog on! Latch on and shake with me! Together we will take back what is already ours!

The "Thing"

It's now 2:00 am. The Thing I didn't want to do is done!

I haven't blogged about it because there were many steps before I really felt comfortable talking about it publicly. Now that its out there, I'm sure posts about how we got here, how I've gotten here, wherever "here" is, will come.

For now, let me just say, it's been hard...well...hard doesn't even begin to describe it. Why was it so hard? I can give you many reasons....some make sense...some are excuses...some you would understand....some you wouldn't.

There have been many steps in the process of turning over the orphanage to Lifesong and Master's Home of Champions. When the decision was first made, and everyone agreed to make the transition, there was relief. The burden of feeding 40+ children and paying the salaries of 16+ staff (who then feed their families both immediate and extended) every month has been a heavy one. God has been faithful. I don't ever want to go without giving Him full credit for the blessings He has poured out on us as we struggled this year and a half. But almost every month our checking account would literally go to less than $100. I would know that there would be a phone call or e-mail saying they were on their last bag of rice. John and I have supported it personally until we almost put ourselves in personal financial ruin. But that is a post for another time! So having that burden lifted by Lifesong taking over was a huge...well...relief doesn't really describe it...but it is the best I have.

But like any good idea, it has to come to fruition. With each step that brought us closer to the reality of Addy's Hope no longer having an orphanage, the harder it became. The last couple of weeks have been agony. There is no other word for it. The process has put me in a crisis of faith that I haven't seen since I came home from Africa without Eden.

I always get blasted when I put that on here....that I have a crisis of faith...but I am here to tell you if you haven't had a crisis of faith yet, then you probably aren't doing anything with your faith! I know very few people who are walking a life totally sold out to Jesus that don't have crisis of faith. When you walk by faith and not by site, things just don't look like we are used to them looking....that rocks your world. As I always say, it is not the crisis that is an issue, it is what you do with it that is! Even as recent as yesterday, I wasn't sure I would make it out of this crisis. I was ready to sit right down in the valley and stay there.

I know that's wrong! I know all the "right" answers. But the thought that backing off of God's work would bring less attacks..well..that sounds pretty good! It would not be truthful to say any different!

What do you do when the thing that you have poured five years of your life into seems to come to a crashing halt? Not a nice little end that you can put a bow on and has no lose ends or frayed edges? This ending has more questions than answers! It has left me wondering how I will take any step of faith from this point forward. The thing that has taken me to the brink of insanity more than once over the past five years, the thing that has strained my marriage more than any other one thing in the past twelve years, the thing that has taken me from my children more than any other thing in this life....it is ending with what by my human eyes seems to be worthless results. Don't get me wrong, I see the value in Lifesong and Master's Home of Champions taking it over! I truly am excited to see what God does with it now....but why couldn't He have done that through Addy's Hope? Not because I care what name is on it, but because I love the children. Because I had that vision and would like to have seen it fulfilled. Because I have had to give up more dreams in this life than I have seen fulfilled....and I'm not talking earthly, worldly dreams! I am talking God-given visions for Kingdom work.

I don't understand it. I know that I will grow through this. In fact, as I e-mailed Emmanuel and the Knapps just a little bit ago, God brought to mind what has come to be knows as my "least favorite scripture", James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." As I always say, the only problem with that, is that there is an assumption that you want maturity! Lately, maturity hasn't been on the top of my list...in fact, throwing myself on the floor and pounding my fists sounds much more appealing!

I have questioned everything from my ability to hear God all the way to His actual existence. Why? Why does a Christian who truly desires to serve and love God with all her heart end up in this place - a place where she even questions His mere existence? I am sure there are many reasons, but as God showed me tonight, one of the biggest is pride. I hate my flesh! I hate the fact that I feel entitled to anything in this life after God sent His only Son knowing the fate He would have. I hate it knowing that Jesus faced far more undeserved persecution than ever I will and endured it all because He loves me! But no matter how much I hate it, its there! When I have been at my lowest the past couple of weeks, I have actually said the words. I have actually spoken with my mouth the vile pride that says I deserve something because I have chosen God's way.

Even in choosing God's way, I deserve death. I deserve death because I am a sinner! No matter how hard I try, I will always be a sinner! That is what happened at the fall! But God saved me! And because of that I owe Him my life....heartache and all...I owe Him.

God,
Forgive me for my unbelief. Forgive me for my selfish ways. Thank You for saving me. Thank You that even when I have turned my back on you over the past few weeks, Your Word says you have never left me nor forsaken me. Thank you that those words are true whether I believe them or not! Your love amazes me! It brings me to my knees and puts me on my face! As I have said so many times through this ordeal, may it bring You glory and praise! Even out of the pitiful acts of selfishness I have committed these last weeks, may You be glorified and praised! God help me do better! May I look more like you now than when this started.
I love you, Abba!
~Your Daughter

My prayer....

No one told me that in adoption work adoptive parents would be supportive until things went wrong, and those parents that sang your praises when things went right would be the first to slit your throat when things beyond your control went wrong. No one told me in ministry that the Christians would be the hardest to deal with. My only escape and comfort right now are in the words of David who had enemies pursuing him at times as well! So these are my prayers to God, just as David sent them up so many years ago!

Psalm 5
Prayer for Protection from the Wicked.

1Give ear to my words, O LORD,
Consider my groaning.
2Heed the sound of my cry for help, my King and my God,
For to You I pray.
3In the morning, O LORD, You will hear my voice;
In the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch.
4For You are not a God who takes pleasure in wickedness;
No evil dwells with You.
5The boastful shall not stand before Your eyes;
You hate all who do iniquity.
6You destroy those who speak falsehood;
The LORD abhors the man of bloodshed and deceit.
7But as for me, by Your abundant loving kindness I will enter Your house,
At Your holy temple I will bow in reverence for You.
8O LORD, lead me in Your righteousness because of my foes;
Make Your way straight before me.
9There is nothing reliable in what they say;
Their inward part is destruction itself
Their throat is an open grave;
They flatter with their tongue.
10Hold them guilty, O God;
By their own devices let them fall!
In the multitude of their transgressions thrust them out,
For they are rebellious against You.
11But let all who take refuge in You be glad,
Let them ever sing for joy;
And may You shelter them,
That those who love Your name may exult in You.
12For it is You who blesses the righteous man, O LORD,
You surround him with favor as with a shield.
Psalm 6
Prayer for Mercy in Time of Trouble.

1O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger,
Nor chasten me in Your wrath.
2Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am pining away;
Heal me, O LORD, for my bones are dismayed.
3And my soul is greatly dismayed;
But You, O LORD--how long?
4Return, O LORD, rescue my soul;
Save me because of Your loving kindness.
5For there is no mention of You in death;
In Sheol who will give You thanks?
6I am weary with my sighing;
Every night I make my bed swim,
I dissolve my couch with my tears.
7My eye has wasted away with grief;
It has become old because of all my adversaries.
8Depart from me, all you who do iniquity,
For the LORD has heard the voice of my weeping.
9The LORD has heard my supplication,
The LORD receives my prayer.
10All my enemies will be ashamed and greatly dismayed;
They shall turn back, they will suddenly be ashamed.

Can I ask you to pray for my, my Liberian staff, my husband and our board as we seek God's way to deal with these issues? Pray for us that we would have the heart and mind of Christ as we deal with the false accusations that can have devastating effects on the children who remain in the home and need us to care for them. Pray that God would silence the mouths of the lying and wicked as it says in the Psalms. Pray that He would raise up warriors to fight for these children even against the falseness that is being spread here in the US.

If you don't think adoptions are of the heart of God, talk to someone who works in adoptions...listen to the stories of the attacks...even internal ones...they rarely come from the "world" in my experience. The enemy is determined to destroy adoptions. If we don't have warriors raising up to fight this battle on our knees, we will lose. Please pray with us!

It aint easy!

Yesterday when I shared with a friend what I was doing, she responded with something like, "Man those arrows keep coming at you, don't they?" Yes, they do! But I am hoping my attitude about those arrows is a little better than it has been in the recent past. Let me explain.

Today's lesson in A Call to Die is "The Risk of Grace". Nasser says: "Far too many of us are content with being comfortable in our faith. As long as Jesus doesn't ask too much of us, as long as we get enough good feelings, as long as it's fun to be a Christian, as long as nobody turns up their nose at us when they find out we believe, we hang in there. But that perspective is phony Christianity. It's not the real thing." Man can I relate! As I am sure you can too!

Nasser goes on to talk about Moses. God has used this man to encourage and spur me on in the battle in Liberia for almost two years. From the beginning, the people that Moses was trying to free turned on him. They were choosing slavery over freedom because it was hard. Pharaoh laughed at him that such a common man would even try to tell the most powerful king what to do. I don't need anybody laughing at me, I feel that way on my own about my government work.

I have said for some time now that the hardest part of my job is not the governments, but the people that I serve who are adopting. Not all of them! God has sent me some amazing families who are dear friends because of the journey we have taken on this crazy roller coaster. When you deal with something as personal as people's children, emotions run high! My black and white world has been rocked with the view of many Christians that believe in an adoption at all costs mentality! My stance for ethical and legal adoptions has turned some families away.

Yesterday we had a meeting with our licensing agent for Texas Child Placing Agencies. We have been in communication with licensing since we started in October 2005. At that time they would not even discuss licensing with us because we were a international only agency. But we have stayed in contact with them. Over the past two years as Hague has been implemented and new regulations gone into place, we have been in constant communication to insure that we were doing what we needed to in order to be in compliance. We need the money to pay the salary of a CPA Administrator in order to be licensed. That is the only thing we need. Well, that and a person who fits the qualifications that is willing to take a risk with us! And just finding someone who meets the qualifications has been an insurmountable task! But we have never quit looking or working toward licensing, and our amazing licensing rep, Becky, knows that.


The meeting yesterday was because "someone" (its confidential) filed a report on us. As I told John, I don't want to know who it is because as long as it's just "a report" I don't hold as much resentment. If I knew "the person" it would be much more personal to me and would be harder to work through - like Moses and the Israelites! But from the beginning when Becky called and said she needed to come meet with us, I had peace! Now, if you know me, you know that is a God thing! I am a rule follower to the max! So the prospect of possibly getting in trouble with the state would send me over the edge, but it didn't! And THAT folks is the reason why I am such a stickler about how we operate in adoptions! If you do everything to the best of your ability and don't allow illegal or unethical activities, then you don't have to be afraid of state visits!

John and I were determined from the beginning to turn what someone meant for evil into something good for God. And He has! We were able to talk with Becky about CPA Administrators (anyone know someone with a masters in TX who has experience with any type of child placing agency or emergency shelter, etc???? that needs some extra money for a contractual position??!!!). We also talked about the need here in Texas and what we could do to help the overloaded system. Our region still is short on foster families and have to send kids to other parts of TX because we don't have enough foster families. On top of that, I would venture to say that a high percentage of the foster families we do have are in it for the wrong reasons. Texas children need help and Becky shared with us how we can do that once we have our CPA Admin! She also said we do NOT have to have a fence around our pool as long as we have locked gates on our backyard and a lock and alarm on our backdoor! That means we could be licensed for foster/adoption! But I still wonder if I (or the kids) could handle a baby leaving us. Is this the right time? But definitely nice to know that one more obstacle has been removed!

As I read again about Moses and the people he was called to free, I was reminded that they didn't thank him or tell him "good job". They grumbled and told him they wanted to go back to captivity. That was the thanks Moses received. I feel like Moses many days! And like Moses, I have to run back to Who called me to this to ask for help and get my satisfaction and worth. I don't consider myself a people pleaser, but at the same time, I am very aware of how people see me because I believe as a Christian, we need to be. We are to be a light to the world and a light in the darkness. But being a light doesn't mean letting people walk all over you "in the name of Jesus" or allow those who disagree with you to derail you from your path.

I am learning many lessons through this season of my life. I pray I keep them as I don't want to revisit any of them! :)

Darkness

I have shared before about my struggle with depression. I have had some times the last few months when I felt I was really headed out of the darkness...at one point, I even told John that I hadn't realized how much darkness had encompassed me until I began to come into the light. But most recently through multiple issues/events, I felt myself slipping back into the pit. Many authors describe depression well as a pit of darkness. As you begin to slip into depression it is as if you are clinging to the side of a slippery wall that you know as you fall will find you deep in the depths of darkness and despair that feels as if it will never end. Sometimes you feel like no matter what you do, your fingers can't grip the edge, your finger nails only make grooves as you slip further and further down. Depression is kind of like other things in life that if you haven't experienced it, you really can't understand it. I know for me, before depression hit my life, I didn't understand why people couldn't just pull themselves up by the boot straps and get happy. Now I understand why. But I also know that you can fight depression, you can fight to get back on top where the light is, or you can wallow in the pit and believe all the lies and stay in a state of despair.

I was reading I John this morning at the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Once again, I read a scripture that I have read many times and in fact have it underlined for a different reason...but this morning, it had all new meaning as the Holy Spirit spoke to me about depression and darkness. It was a hard lesson. It was a convicting lesson, but I believe it is a valuable one!

I John 1: 5-6 says, "This is the message we have heard from him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth."

OUCH! So for me to walk in darkness is to not practice truth and is a lie if I say I am in Him! And now, sharing this on a public forum, I have accountability because I can no longer plead ignorance! :)

I have always read "darkness" in this verse as sin, but as I read this morning, I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me that this applies to the darkness of depression also. Depression keeps me disabled. It keeps me paralyzed...which in a sense keeps me working for the enemy! As long as he can keep me paralyzed and walking in darkness, I am not effective for the kingdom.

I don't have this all figured out yet because I know in the past there have been days that I couldn't pull myself out of the darkness no matter how much I tried...even fighting the battles I believe that when you suffer from something like depression, it is vital to have prayer warriors who can pull you out when you can't climb out on your own. I have amazing friends that God will lay me on their heart when I need prayer. Twice in the last week, I have literally felt the prayers lift me out of darkness. One day, I came out of it, but yesterday, well, I made a choice, a bad choice, I stayed in the pit. I wish I understood all of this better to know why at those moments I choose to believe lies and stay in the pit! I know part of it is that I just get tired of fighting battles and when I give in to the pit, the battle stops. I'm sure it doesn't stop in the heavens, but for me, in my mind, it stops. I am sad, I am down, I am angry, but I am not battling. I fight so many battles in my ministry and my home that when the battles inside me start, sometimes I just lay down and let the enemy walk all over me.

I hate that about myself! I hate my weakness! When I read in Acts 21 where Paul's friends are telling him that if he continues on his journey, he will be bound and delivered to his enemies Paul responds, "What are you doing, weeping and breaking my heart? For I am ready not only to be bound, but even t die at Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus." Oh how I wish I had that maturity and dedication...that even when I KNOW I am going to suffer heartache and pain, I still walk strongly into what I am called to. And maybe I do actually...I think God gives me strength to do the hard things I need to do in the ministry he has given me both as a wife, mom and adoption/child relief advocate, but when the tough times come...the children act out, the husband doesn't meet my needs, the adoptive parents attack, the government puts a halt on adoptions, false accusations against me run rampant....that is when I slink back. I lose the strength. I let those things get to me instead of standing on TRUTH!

Oh I have so much to learn in this life! Today my prayer is that no matter what today brings, I will walk in The Light and bask in His goodness...because no matter what my day brings, He is good and He loves me more than I can ever imagine! And to believe anything else is to break the heart of the One who broke His body for me on the cross!

There is a need....

I promised to tell the story of how God encouraged me in my calling to adoption on a particularly rough day.

For some odd reason, the owner of our office building has decided it needs to be tangerine orange...makes us easier to find, but not so sure what it does for the professional image...anyway, there is a guy there painting the building.

He came in Tuesday afternoon and asked me to move my van as he was about to paint right there and didn't want to get orange paint on my sliver van (thank you Mr. painter man!). So I gladly moved it.

When I was heading back into the office, he asked me what kind of business I was running. Since we are only international right now, not many people come to the office. Mainly, I needed the office out of the house as we needed the boundaries that provided. It has been a HUGE blessing...but because we don't really have families coming by the office that much, it hasn't totally been put together yet. We don't have a sign up or anything like that yet. Those things cost money, and, well, you know the rest of that story! I proceeded to tell this man that we run an adoption agency. He then says, "Well too bad you weren't here a few months ago, I would have had three kids for ya." That got my attention....I took the bait. Five months ago this man placed his triplets that he had with "his fling" *his words, NOT mine!* for adoption with a family in a near by town. He proceeded to tell me how their mom didn't want them and he already has 7 kids that he is taking care of. I talked to him just a bit about my boys and how adoption is such a wonderful thing, and then went inside my office, not really thinking that much about it. Well, not true...ashamedly, I admit, I was really just thinking I need to get a, b, and c finished today. Not really getting what I think God was trying to show me. So, as God often does with me, he hit me one more time! Mr. Painter Man came back into the office and said, "So you guys are open for business." I proceeded to give way more of an explanation than I am sure he cared to have about our licensing situation. Then he said, "Well, I have this friend in my class at college who is 3 months pregnant and doesn't want the baby. I was talking to her about my kids that I put up for adoption, and she is considering it." Ok, God, I am getting it now!

So I give him my card and tell him to have his friend call me. I told him that we would be licensed in the next few weeks and could help his friend out if she decided that she wanted to place...or if I wasn't able to help her, I knew plenty of people who could.

When he walked out the door, I was flooded with God's presence over me. I just sensed Him saying, "See, HollyAnn, the work you do is needed. People are hurting and need my hand to touch them. Children are coming into the world that need homes other than the ones they will be born into. There are other things in this work that I have for you besides just the frustrations of Liberia." Oh how sweet that was to me! It reminded me just how personal my amazing Heavenly Father is! He took the time to place a man right in my path who knew someone who needed what I could give. God used it to remind me that in this area, there is no one to truly minister to birth or really adoptive families on a personal level the way I believe it should be.

Just two hours before, John had stopped by and I was on a bad phone call. When I got off, I cried and questioned, and said the words I try not to say these days, "I just don't know what I am supposed to do anymore and I want to quit." I know quitting is not an option...well, at least not if I want to run this race in the way I need to in order to win the prize and to see God's glory in "the land of the living"! Then God graciously placed this man in my path to remind me of the needs and the harvest that is ripe for God's people to take His love to a very wounded and bleeding group of people! So I put on my armor again (had put it on that morning, but it felt like it had fallen off in battle!) and sat down at my computer with a renewed resolve to serve the awesome God who has called me to this work called adoption!