The Journey: Introducing Paizley Ruth Petree

"God sets the lonely in families" ~Psalm 68:6

I am pleased to introduce to you our newest (legal) addition: Paizley Ruth Petree (standing with Judge Hatch who just ordered it to be so!)! We are official now!

We went to court today! I prayed that it would be a spiritual and loving experience, and my prayers were answered! I took the stand to testify to our intentions with Paizley. As the lawyer asked me if we understood what adopting her meant, I replied, "Yes, We want her forever." Paizley looked at me and grinned. Then in what had to be a diving move, he said, "You understand that adoption is just like if you had given birth to her by blood." These words were profound because Paizley's last foster placement had told her that "you" can't love other children like your blood. These words haunt her often. My heart smiled when the lawyer used these exact words! I sat a little taller, looked straight into Paizley's eyes across the room and choked out, "Yes, I understand and that is our desire." She smiled back through her own tears. I pray that those words and that moment in time are etched in her mind and heart forever, erasing previous words and settling in her heart forever that I love her the same as any child I gave birth to.

When it was over, Judge Hatch came down off the stand and mingled with all of us. It was just a sweet time! There really was a team of people that worked on this adoption. Even the judge commented on the thorough report done by the social worker for the case. Erin, her CPS worker was amazing! She is the reason that we could find her on TARE on October and have her in our home by the end of November! Our Buckner case worker drove all the way up to Lubbock to be there. And we are very thankful she did because she babysat all the other kids (Baby Girl being the one needing it most!) during the actual court proceedings! This is the team that worked so diligently to get us to this day!

It truly was a wonderful day! A time of refreshing and reminding me of why it is we do this thing we do, both as a family and as a professional! Yes the past six months have been hard, and we will have more hard times to come, but it - SHE is worth it! Today reminded me that placing a child in a family is worth whatever heart ache it takes to make it happen and make it last! Buckner gave us a ton of presents that all made me cry! One was a flip calendar on love. The one for today was so fitting as I read it out loud to her. It was about "choosing" love and getting rid of all escape routes in any relationship you have! Wow! Perfect timing....for her and me! And it is so true! Today was significant in that it solidified our desire to get rid of all escape routes! She is ours! Period!

Judge Hatch has a tradition of letting new adoptees pick a stuffed animal from his office. He told her he knew that she might not be as young as some, but offered it to her anyway, and of course she took him up on it! And this is what she chose! Just another reminder of the little girl who never got to be a little girl...until now! Sweet moment!

But God wasn't done with us yet! After court we went to the mall. A precious friend is doing a photo shoot with Paizley this Saturday for her sweet sixteen pictures, so she wanted to get a new outfit. Shopping is always a bit of a conflicting experience, so it was tense at times. But on our way out of the mall, I saw that the Heart Gallery (how we learned about her back in October) was set up. She had one more store she wanted to look in and while I was in there, I remembered that we hadn't received her heart gallery picture like we had been told we would. Just made a mental note to call Erin to see when we might could get that. I didn't know if she would want to look at the Heart Gallery pictures or not. Sometimes she can be very sensitive about these things and I wasn't sure what the temperature was today. I kind of headed that direction to look at just a few of them. She followed and got excited when she recognized a couple of the kids. She became sad when she showed me one young man who was in an adoptive placement in that foster home I mentioned earlier, but found out today that foster family (you know the one who told her they couldn't love another like blood) backed out on him. Her heart broke for him. If anyone is looking for a 13 year old boy who wants badly to be in a family, I have a little man for you! We continued around the pictures, and I hear her say, "It's me!" I thought she was joking! But sure enough, there she was! Her Heart Gallery picture was right there with her profile just like all the rest! Seeing my daughter's picture looking for a family was a little surreal! Then seeing her standing beside it and hearing her read the words that we read off a computer screen 7 months ago - our introduction to her - was, well, not really any words to describe it!

My favorite part? It's the little sign hanging on the top left corner - "Family Selected"! Yep, on the day we finalized, God gave me a perfect picture of His redemptive power! From a little girl smiling into a camera, dreaming - but never really believing - that someone would see that picture and choose her as their forever daughter to the beautiful young woman standing right beside it - no more piercings, I might add (a post for another day)- confident in her new found role as daughter! Just a perfect picture!

"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you" ~John 14:18

Going to bed the blessed mom to 7 amazing children! Looking forward to the day Baby Girl's face doesn't have to be blurred and she too is legally ours! Thank you, God despite my doubts, my fears, my insecurities and my many failures as a mother, you have allowed me to call these mine! Thank you for today and the reminders of how blessed I am to be on this journey, as hard as it is, with this amazing young woman!

The Journey: SCORE!!!!

So one of the things that has been so tough with this journey for me with Paizley is that no matter what I do, it's not enough. I'm still the wicked step-mother type character. Well, yesterday I scored! We went to Lubbock to her track meet, so I had pictures from the meet. I bought a scrapbook (my first two kids have amazing scrapbooks, Toben has a few pages, Ava has a few pages, Baby Girl has a scrapbook and some pictures and...well, you get the idea!) for Paizley and put the track pictures in it. I put the scripture from 1 Corinthians about running the race as the one to gain the prize and journaled about how proud we were of her that she finished the race! Even though she didn't get first prize in the actual race, in our hearts she won first because she didn't quit! She worked hard, pressed through the tough spots and finished! Track is the first thing she can ever remember finishing when it got hard instead of quitting and running! So it was a way for me to tell her things I have a hard time expressing right now because of my own hurt and rejection in the relationship. I put it on her bed so she would find it when she got home. She came out with a huge grin on her face and gave me a big hug and told me thank you! She has never had an album before and was excited to have one of her very own.

Yes! Finally! I found at least one word in her love language! I'll take it!!!! And I'll be doing a litte more in her book today! :)

The Journey: "Mark it on the calendar!"

I shared in my last post about the struggle our latest adoption has been. Well, this weekend provided no relief, in fact it was pretty bad. To the point she said she wanted to call off the adoption. It was all drama, when we sat and talked she didn't really want to call it off, but hearing those words after all we are doing to try and reach her and love on her broke my heart and made me want to give up. But just like we told her, giving up isn't an option!

But even in the midst of the emotions of the weekend, God gave me a moment to cling to in hope! We were looking at the calendar as we turned a new month to see what all was on tap for this week and those coming. Paizley was in the kitchen where the family calendar is and she says, "Mom! Mark mother's day on the calendar! I haven't gotten to celebrate that in years because I have been in shelters the past few mother's days." That will bring tears even to a wounded momma's heart!

Makes me stop and remember what I am dealing with! I am not just dealing with a 15 year old, I am dealing with a 15 year old who has been deaply wounded. I am dealing with a 15 year old who has been tossed about time after time, discarded, rejected, the list goes on and on. I am also dealing with spiritual issues that I can't even begin to understand or explain!

As we start a new week, I am determined to focus on that one moment and put the other 100 behind me from this weekend! There is a little girl in there who wants a mother to love her and celebrate life with her! I just have to be diligent and patient to lovingly dig through the layers to connect with her!

God reminded me hour by hour how you love me and how you love her! Teach me to love her like you do! Show me how to love beyond my own hurts and forgive her as you forgive me. Show me how to model all these for her so that she too can be whole!

The Journey: The Date is Set

We have a date! Callie discovered Princess M on TARE the first of October. She came to live with us November 23, and on May 19, 2011, she will officially become Paizley Ruth Petree - in case you are follwing, YES, that is a new name! :) Naming a 15 year old has its challenges! She got tired of Isabella, so this is it! It is officially on the court papers!

Haven't blogged much about his journey lately. Haven't felt like I have much good to say, so I've done what my momma taught me and just kept quiet! It's hard! Much harder than I even thought. Harder for her, harder for me, harder for our family than what I anticipated! Just like the birth of your first child, no amount of reading, talking to people or research can really prepare you for taking in a teen that comes from a wounded past.

But one thing remains the same..I know God called us to her and her to us! I don't doubt that at all! It is what keeps me going on the good days and causes me to shake my finger at Him on the bad days. I morn my life before November 23 on many days. Things were so much simpler. I'm not sharing anything that Paizley and her dad and I haven't discussed together. There are many times she morns her life before us also. It was easier before someone had expectatons and cared she says. I can understand that on some level.

But as I tell her and we tell ourselves, God didn't call us to the easy life, He called us to the Holy and righteous life! He is refining all of us through this! I trust Him (most days) to bring beauty from these ashes....I trust on faith because sight truly just sees lots of ashes most days....and not just hers, but mine! Bringing her home has been the most fault magnifying thing I have ever done! But as a worship song says that we sing often at our church, I will beleive by faith I am who He says I am, and I will continue to try each day to learn how to be a mother to this life that God has entrusted to us!

And on May 19, it will be legal and official! Will be glad to have that day behind us and praying the impact of what it means will rock her to her core as someone has finally done what they said they would do!

The Journey: Good Bye Foster System!

I just can't seem to keep up on the blog! Sorry blog readers! But I eventually get around to posting! :)

We had an amazing Christmas! But the thing that was most amazing occurred on Christmas Eve. About 1:00 on Christmas Eve the doorbell rang with a surprise for Princess M, the 15 year old we are adopting. She was placed as foster because we wanted her here asap! That doorbell was the workers from CPS and Buckner coming to give her a great Christmas surprise! We signed papers that moved her from foster care to adoptive placement! It was just a few papers, but to her it was the world! It meant that she was no longer in the foster system! She has a home, a permanent home! We all cried!

We bought her a suitcase and left it with her when we met her so that she could have something to move her stuff here in. Little did we know it would have taken 15 suitcases to move all her stuff! But the suitcase was something God had told me to do when we first committed to her. After we signed papers, I told her to go get it. She looked at me funny and said she had things in it. I told her we would find new places for those things and to get it. While she went to get the suitcase, I went to get the utility knives. When she came back, we destroyed that suitcase! We wanted her to have a visual reminder that she is never moving again! At least not out of the family...maybe to college or her own place, but not because she has to! It was a pretty neat experience!

Princess M has said from the beginning that she wants to change her name. She doesn't just want a last name change, but a whole name change. We have let her take the lead in this as we were not opposed to her first or middle name, but kind of like the idea of changing them just as God changed many names in the Bible when they started a new life! We have had a few discussions about names since she came to us. God was gracious and provided a name that we could all agree on (it wasn't looking like that would happen for a while! A fifteen year old trying to name themselves for life can be challenging!) We had agreed on Isabella. We all like the sound of it, then when I looked up the meaning, I loved it even more! It means God's promise or God's oath! But we had yet to come up with a middle name. She had said I could pick a middle name, but I knew that was only partly true because if she didn't like it she would make that very clear! :) I had put some thought into it, but had not come up with anything. I was a little nervous the morning of the event knowing that she would want to start going by her new name, but I didn't have a middle name yet. But God, as always, provided, right no time! I was praying for her that morning and about the event that would take place. It is hugely significant for this young lady! It marks the beginning of the first day of the rest of her life. No, its not finalized, but it was huge for her that we were the first people to follow through with anything but fostering. It meant a ton to her that we would actually take that step, lose the financial benefits, etc to make her a part of our family and not just leave her as foster. It meant a ton to us because we understand the spiritual significance of adoption and what it means for her to truly be ours! As I prayed, God brought the name Ruth. I mean no offense to any Ruth's out there, but that has never been my favorite name. I like it, but its not one that I jump up and down for, you know. But I felt a definite urging that Ruth was to be her middle name. I have a name app on my phone since we are still picking baby names, so I looked it up. Immediately I knew Ruth was to be her name and I LOVED it! Wasn't sure how to convince her of it, but told God He would have to make her love it like I did! Through my tears, I read on my phone, "Ruth was the young moabite woman who said to her Hebrew mother-in-law Naomi "Where you go, there I shall go also; your people will be my people, your God, my God"." That was it! One of the biggest struggles we have had with adopting an older child is learning what she needs to pick up of us and what we need to let her keep of her old life. It has been a challenge at times for all of us! Even parts of her past she doesn't like, she wants to cling to because it is familiar and all she knows. Just like all of us! But we know without a doubt the main reason God has her in our home is because He has plans for her that require her to know our God! She needs to know the God who saves, the God who redeems, the God who loves her enough to rescue her not only from eternal damnation but from her worldly circumstances as well! My biggest fear and thus my biggest prayer since she has come is that we will not give her enough of this God in the three years we have until she can leave us to make her cling to "our God" the way she needs to in order to live her life for Him! So it was settled...her name would be Ruth, and my prayer would be that she will say as the Ruth of the Bible did - "My people are your people and my God your God!"

I just love that I serve a God who is not some big guy out there somewhere! He is so personal that He named my daughter! He is so personal that He speaks to us about any and everything, no matter how tiny we think it may be! Thank you, God!

Oh, and when I told her the story behing Ruth, she loved it just as much as I did and she has told all her friends where it came from! I love hearing her tell them! She lights up when she says it means she has a new beginning! She is so awesome!

We still can't show pictures, will be posting many in about 4 months when the adoption is consummated, but we can now use her name since it is changed! Our oldest daughter is Isabella Ruth Petree, Izzy to her friends! And she is even more beautiful and amazing than her name!