I love new year! I love that God's mercies are new EVERY morning, but the new year just seems to provide a time when I allow myself to wipe the slate clean and have a new beginning on the things God is calling to that I seem to fail continually to complete!
I have a confession! Over the past month or two, I have sat down with God for intentional quiet time very few times. I've missed it for sure! But I seemed to be in a slump! I don't know why as over the past year, God has truly been my life line and best friend! I have learned to rely on and trust Him in new ways I never have before! Part of my problem as been having the two babies and the nausea from the pregnancy. But if I had been focused on spending time, I would have found a way even with those obstacles.
As God has called me back to Himself, even the random devotion I did yesterday was on focus! God has just shown me over and over this year how personal He is! That He will meet me right where I am, wherever that is. I love that about my God! Even after a month plus of avoiding Him, the first time I sit down to meet with Him He provides a gentle reminder that I need to stay focused on Him to accomplish the plans He has for me...plans that are for my good and not my harm (Jeremiah 29:11), and plans that have far more for me than I can possibly hope or imagine (Eph 3:20-21).
As I sat down this morning to look back over this year, I am so pleased that I can look back on it with a smile! For the first time in probably five years, I can look back over the year coming to a close and see God's provision and love like never before. He was there all those other years as well, but in my immaturity, I couldn't see it past circumstances to Him. At the beginning of 2010, God gave me John 15:1-11 as our family scripture for the year. He has made good on His promises from these verses this year! I remember the thing that drew me to that scripture was the part on joy. I had lost my joy. Life was so hard and I couldn't find a reason to smile or see any "abundant" in my life. So I started asking God to restore to me the joy of His salvation, and as He promises, He answered my prayer! It is amazing to me to look at January of this year and now. Really, none of my circumstances have changed, in fact, many have become worse (finances are more difficult with 6 instead of 4 children, marriage is stressed more with 6 instead of 4 children, daily life is more hectic with 6 instead of 4 children, everything is harder when I'm fighting nausea most of the time and the fatigue of pregnancy...not to mention the thoughts of how to add one more to our lives, etc, etc) but I have my joy back! Praise God, He has restored my joy! He has taught me how to have joy in Him...He never changes. So no matter what my circumstances are, my joy can be complete in Him! I'm still a work in progress, but it is so cool to look and see how God has worked on my inside this year to teach me His Truths!
As I look forward to 2011, I have to say, it is with some trepidation! God has already made clear to me some of the plans He has for me, and frankly, they seem impossible! But the Holy Spirit quickly reminds me that ALL things are possible IN HIM! That IN HIM part is the key!
As I sat down this morning, I kind of thought God would "punish" my lack of meeting with Him and not give me my yearly scriptures that I like to have at the beginning of the year. I should know better by now! God is not about withholding Himself from us! He wants to reveal Himself to us and will do so ANY TIME we agree to meet with Him and open ourselves up to what He has to say! Like the faithful Father He is, He brought two scriptures to mind the minute I sat down to journal and ask Him what I needed to focus on for 2011. The P-tree family scriptures for 2011 will be Luke 16:10-13 and Ephesians 3:16-21. There are lots of exciting promises in these scriptures, but there are also many responsibilities for me and John as we walk in Christ!
I can't wait to see what 2011 brings. I have a feeling that once again, God is going to be asking me to stretch myself in ways I never dreamed were possible! The one I already know is that He is asking me to go back to work. That will have to be a post for another time as the turmoil that one thing alone brings in my inner woman is enough to write a book! But as I argue with God, not recommended by the way, He only says, trust and obey! Hard to argue with those two words coming from the One who made me and holds the world in His hands!
My prayer for all of you is that 2011 brings you closer to Jesus than you are today. I pray that God will stretch you in ways that reveal His character to you in ways you can't miss! That is what He did for us in 2010, and I pray He does it again in 2011! One thing for sure, this ride we call "Walking with God" is never dull!!!!
Happy New Year Blog World Friends!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
The Journey: Good Bye Foster System!
I just can't seem to keep up on the blog! Sorry blog readers! But I eventually get around to posting! :)
We had an amazing Christmas! But the thing that was most amazing occurred on Christmas Eve. About 1:00 on Christmas Eve the doorbell rang with a surprise for Princess M, the 15 year old we are adopting. She was placed as foster because we wanted her here asap! That doorbell was the workers from CPS and Buckner coming to give her a great Christmas surprise! We signed papers that moved her from foster care to adoptive placement! It was just a few papers, but to her it was the world! It meant that she was no longer in the foster system! She has a home, a permanent home! We all cried!
We bought her a suitcase and left it with her when we met her so that she could have something to move her stuff here in. Little did we know it would have taken 15 suitcases to move all her stuff! But the suitcase was something God had told me to do when we first committed to her. After we signed papers, I told her to go get it. She looked at me funny and said she had things in it. I told her we would find new places for those things and to get it. While she went to get the suitcase, I went to get the utility knives. When she came back, we destroyed that suitcase! We wanted her to have a visual reminder that she is never moving again! At least not out of the family...maybe to college or her own place, but not because she has to! It was a pretty neat experience!
Princess M has said from the beginning that she wants to change her name. She doesn't just want a last name change, but a whole name change. We have let her take the lead in this as we were not opposed to her first or middle name, but kind of like the idea of changing them just as God changed many names in the Bible when they started a new life! We have had a few discussions about names since she came to us. God was gracious and provided a name that we could all agree on (it wasn't looking like that would happen for a while! A fifteen year old trying to name themselves for life can be challenging!) We had agreed on Isabella. We all like the sound of it, then when I looked up the meaning, I loved it even more! It means God's promise or God's oath! But we had yet to come up with a middle name. She had said I could pick a middle name, but I knew that was only partly true because if she didn't like it she would make that very clear! :) I had put some thought into it, but had not come up with anything. I was a little nervous the morning of the event knowing that she would want to start going by her new name, but I didn't have a middle name yet. But God, as always, provided, right no time! I was praying for her that morning and about the event that would take place. It is hugely significant for this young lady! It marks the beginning of the first day of the rest of her life. No, its not finalized, but it was huge for her that we were the first people to follow through with anything but fostering. It meant a ton to her that we would actually take that step, lose the financial benefits, etc to make her a part of our family and not just leave her as foster. It meant a ton to us because we understand the spiritual significance of adoption and what it means for her to truly be ours! As I prayed, God brought the name Ruth. I mean no offense to any Ruth's out there, but that has never been my favorite name. I like it, but its not one that I jump up and down for, you know. But I felt a definite urging that Ruth was to be her middle name. I have a name app on my phone since we are still picking baby names, so I looked it up. Immediately I knew Ruth was to be her name and I LOVED it! Wasn't sure how to convince her of it, but told God He would have to make her love it like I did! Through my tears, I read on my phone, "Ruth was the young moabite woman who said to her Hebrew mother-in-law Naomi "Where you go, there I shall go also; your people will be my people, your God, my God"." That was it! One of the biggest struggles we have had with adopting an older child is learning what she needs to pick up of us and what we need to let her keep of her old life. It has been a challenge at times for all of us! Even parts of her past she doesn't like, she wants to cling to because it is familiar and all she knows. Just like all of us! But we know without a doubt the main reason God has her in our home is because He has plans for her that require her to know our God! She needs to know the God who saves, the God who redeems, the God who loves her enough to rescue her not only from eternal damnation but from her worldly circumstances as well! My biggest fear and thus my biggest prayer since she has come is that we will not give her enough of this God in the three years we have until she can leave us to make her cling to "our God" the way she needs to in order to live her life for Him! So it was settled...her name would be Ruth, and my prayer would be that she will say as the Ruth of the Bible did - "My people are your people and my God your God!"
I just love that I serve a God who is not some big guy out there somewhere! He is so personal that He named my daughter! He is so personal that He speaks to us about any and everything, no matter how tiny we think it may be! Thank you, God!
Oh, and when I told her the story behing Ruth, she loved it just as much as I did and she has told all her friends where it came from! I love hearing her tell them! She lights up when she says it means she has a new beginning! She is so awesome!
We still can't show pictures, will be posting many in about 4 months when the adoption is consummated, but we can now use her name since it is changed! Our oldest daughter is Isabella Ruth Petree, Izzy to her friends! And she is even more beautiful and amazing than her name!
We had an amazing Christmas! But the thing that was most amazing occurred on Christmas Eve. About 1:00 on Christmas Eve the doorbell rang with a surprise for Princess M, the 15 year old we are adopting. She was placed as foster because we wanted her here asap! That doorbell was the workers from CPS and Buckner coming to give her a great Christmas surprise! We signed papers that moved her from foster care to adoptive placement! It was just a few papers, but to her it was the world! It meant that she was no longer in the foster system! She has a home, a permanent home! We all cried!
We bought her a suitcase and left it with her when we met her so that she could have something to move her stuff here in. Little did we know it would have taken 15 suitcases to move all her stuff! But the suitcase was something God had told me to do when we first committed to her. After we signed papers, I told her to go get it. She looked at me funny and said she had things in it. I told her we would find new places for those things and to get it. While she went to get the suitcase, I went to get the utility knives. When she came back, we destroyed that suitcase! We wanted her to have a visual reminder that she is never moving again! At least not out of the family...maybe to college or her own place, but not because she has to! It was a pretty neat experience!
Princess M has said from the beginning that she wants to change her name. She doesn't just want a last name change, but a whole name change. We have let her take the lead in this as we were not opposed to her first or middle name, but kind of like the idea of changing them just as God changed many names in the Bible when they started a new life! We have had a few discussions about names since she came to us. God was gracious and provided a name that we could all agree on (it wasn't looking like that would happen for a while! A fifteen year old trying to name themselves for life can be challenging!) We had agreed on Isabella. We all like the sound of it, then when I looked up the meaning, I loved it even more! It means God's promise or God's oath! But we had yet to come up with a middle name. She had said I could pick a middle name, but I knew that was only partly true because if she didn't like it she would make that very clear! :) I had put some thought into it, but had not come up with anything. I was a little nervous the morning of the event knowing that she would want to start going by her new name, but I didn't have a middle name yet. But God, as always, provided, right no time! I was praying for her that morning and about the event that would take place. It is hugely significant for this young lady! It marks the beginning of the first day of the rest of her life. No, its not finalized, but it was huge for her that we were the first people to follow through with anything but fostering. It meant a ton to her that we would actually take that step, lose the financial benefits, etc to make her a part of our family and not just leave her as foster. It meant a ton to us because we understand the spiritual significance of adoption and what it means for her to truly be ours! As I prayed, God brought the name Ruth. I mean no offense to any Ruth's out there, but that has never been my favorite name. I like it, but its not one that I jump up and down for, you know. But I felt a definite urging that Ruth was to be her middle name. I have a name app on my phone since we are still picking baby names, so I looked it up. Immediately I knew Ruth was to be her name and I LOVED it! Wasn't sure how to convince her of it, but told God He would have to make her love it like I did! Through my tears, I read on my phone, "Ruth was the young moabite woman who said to her Hebrew mother-in-law Naomi "Where you go, there I shall go also; your people will be my people, your God, my God"." That was it! One of the biggest struggles we have had with adopting an older child is learning what she needs to pick up of us and what we need to let her keep of her old life. It has been a challenge at times for all of us! Even parts of her past she doesn't like, she wants to cling to because it is familiar and all she knows. Just like all of us! But we know without a doubt the main reason God has her in our home is because He has plans for her that require her to know our God! She needs to know the God who saves, the God who redeems, the God who loves her enough to rescue her not only from eternal damnation but from her worldly circumstances as well! My biggest fear and thus my biggest prayer since she has come is that we will not give her enough of this God in the three years we have until she can leave us to make her cling to "our God" the way she needs to in order to live her life for Him! So it was settled...her name would be Ruth, and my prayer would be that she will say as the Ruth of the Bible did - "My people are your people and my God your God!"
I just love that I serve a God who is not some big guy out there somewhere! He is so personal that He named my daughter! He is so personal that He speaks to us about any and everything, no matter how tiny we think it may be! Thank you, God!
Oh, and when I told her the story behing Ruth, she loved it just as much as I did and she has told all her friends where it came from! I love hearing her tell them! She lights up when she says it means she has a new beginning! She is so awesome!
We still can't show pictures, will be posting many in about 4 months when the adoption is consummated, but we can now use her name since it is changed! Our oldest daughter is Isabella Ruth Petree, Izzy to her friends! And she is even more beautiful and amazing than her name!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
God's Economy
Seems like I don't have time for reflecting on much of anything these days! But lately, God has really been speaking to me about His economy! I have always hated money. Seems like we never have enough and seems like it is a a barrier to so much that we long to do...even good stuff! But I have a friend who of mine talks often of God's economy. And this year, I have learned to live in God's economy and have found it is the highest drawing savings account that exists!
The end of the year is always a time of reflection as we bring one year to a close and look ahead to what the next year might bring. As I reflect over this year, the most obvious thing to turn to is the fact that we have added 4 children (and lost one as B-man went to live with a new foster family) in the course of this year. The only word for adding 4 children to your family in a year is UN-NATURAL! Ok, maybe another word would fit also - BLESSED!
But as many of you know, kids are not cheap! They have needs and expenses. Three of our kiddos came with some financial support. Fostering is not really that much of a financial burden as the state reimburses you through the daily stipend. So I can't say that we have felt a financial burden to a large degree even with adding three children. However, as we transfer from foster to adoption with two of them and look at paying for a baby delivery and adding that baby to the monthly bills, I have to confess I have had a few moments of intense anxiety!
That is what started the reflection!
Yes, we added three kids, and we also lost my salary! When we turned the orphanage over to LifeSong, I stopped taking any kind of salary from Addy's Hope because there were no funds to support the salary. I also wasn't working as much obviously since I wasn't having to pound the pavement looking for donations or trying to run an orphanage from half a world away.
God provided for us in a huge way during that transition by John receiving a huge promotion (he is now second in command at the service center) and my grandfather passed away leaving my parents his inheritance which they graciously shared a portion with my brother and I. We were able to use this lump sum to pay down our debt so that we had manageable monthly bills. I still look back at the timing of all that with awe! It all happened at exactly the right time. The exact month we stopped receiving my salary, John's kicked in! That has to be God!
But the miracles don't stop there! God's economy is like everything else God does, it doesn't make sense! You cannot look at it with earthly eyes and make any sense of it.
With the addition of our children, we found we needed a bigger car. John was (and still isn't) anywhere close to driving a 12 passenger van. Plus those suckers are EXPENSIVE!!!! At least the conversion ones that are safer than the church van style. We started praying about what to do as we were very torn with having to take two cars everywhere. That is not conducive for family life, or the gas budget! We drove by a Suburban parked in a lot for sale. I told John let's look at it! That in itself had to be the Holy Spirit because I HATE buying cars!!! We drove over to it and I couldn't believe when I looked in the windows...it had bench seats in the front and middle row, so it was a Suburban that seated nine!!!! We have been doing Dave Ramsey this year and really wanted to pay cash for our next car. We were no where even close to that, so should we buy it? Ramsey would say no. But John and I both felt God was saying it was the car He had for us. We did have to take out a loan to get it, but the car was in amazingly good condition for how old it is and was priced below value AND came with a transferable warranty so when anything breaks, we are not out any money to fix it! Doesn't get any better than that on a used car! We started praying about what to do with our Honda Odyssey. We had talked even months before that we would love to be able to give it to a family who needed a bigger car to foster. But now we have this car loan with a car payment that we haven't had in years! So we started looking at selling it to pay down the loan. God made it clear through the next weeks that we were to give it away, not sell it and made it clear who was to be the recipient. If you know John and I, you know that I am not saying this to toot our horn, and in fact, wasn't going to put it in this post at all, except it illustrates for us how God's economy DOES NOT operate like the world! The world says we should hang on to and sell for the top dollar whatever we need to provide security. God says, obey me and you will have security like nothing else will provide! We are seeing that played out before our very lives!
I do have a confession. I kind of thought since we gave the van away, maybe a check would arrive to pay off our suburban loan. That check didn't come! BUT, what has come are little (and even some substantial) financial blessings that have provided for needs and even wants at just the right time!
I think we are pretty modest in what we buy for our children and each other for Christmas. Yes, they have plenty! I'm not trying to say we "sacrifice" in any way, but we stay under $100 for each child. So when the oldest two asked for Ipod touches for Christmas, well, the answer was obviously NO! But even with that modest budget, and trying to save all year, we were having a hard time making ends meet for Christmas. Just this month, we had an amazing Christmas blessing from Buckner where all the kids received a new set of pajamas and several other more than generous gifts! The county in Odessa where Baby Girl's case is provided Christmas presents for her, so she is taken care of. My amazing friends gave Princess M a "teen shower" where they bought our bedding needed for the transition in the girls' room and showered Princess M with not only some necessities, but many extras just to show her love! We also had a friend offer to give us beds for the girls! The blessings just can't be measured as we have learned to walk in God's economy!
One of the first "big" blows us away blessings came the week we found out we were pregnant. John went outside to fin a Lowe's gift card on the front porch. It was from "The Body of Christ!" Blew us away! And allowed us to finish up some home repairs and projects that had been on hold due to financial restraints...and had been stressing John out!
But last week, topped them all! In the course of two days, we received two envelopes with substantial amounts of cash...both from single mothers (one newly married single mom)! These are not wealthy people by any means! They reminded me of the widow's might. Here we are, a married couple with a very nice income, and we are receiving cash gifts from these single moms! Blessed, yes, but more than that, HUMBLED! You see, one of the things we have had to learn in God's economy is how to receive! I never thought that was an issue. But was God has showered us with blessings, we have had to realize that we have to be willing to humbly receive the gifts he has for us...just like we had to learn to receive His most precious gift of salvation! They don't usually come how we expect them or even in the most "comfortable" way. But that is God's economy! He uses whomever is willing! This time it was two ladies who walked in obedience and sacrifice to God and taught this mother more than I am sure they will ever know! Because in my legalistic mind, God promises to provide our needs, not our wants! But God showed us this month, that even wants can be in His provision! As long as we walk in His economy and do well with the little things He entrusts to us, He will continue to provide!
Was thinking on those things this morning and couldn't sleep. You see, I don't think we have done so well with the "little" things and am amazed that God continues to bless us! But God reminded me that he desires obedience over sacrifice! So I got out of bed and spent my time with Him this morning paying bills! You see, even paying bills can be a worshipful experience when I remember where my money comes from and Who is my provider!
I can't say that I didn't have some moments of anxiety as we look at the coming months when we will have to make the payments for the baby's delivery and we look at losing the foster stipend for Baby Girl. But God quickly quieted my Spirit with the Holy Spirit's whisper, "Do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of it's own. We will tackle tomorrow when tomorrow gets here. I am your Provider. Trust!"
And trust Him I do! He replaced my anxiety with anticipation! I can't wait to share more miracles of how God's economy works in our home and the homes of our friends who are on this journey with us! God has brought some of the most humble and generous people I have ever met into our lives at our new church home! I can't wait to see how God uses this portion of His body to impact the world as so many of my friends continue to reach out to the least of these...and I see God working miracle after miracle in each of our lives for us to "afford" it as we navigate the world's economy all the time relying on HIS economy!
The end of the year is always a time of reflection as we bring one year to a close and look ahead to what the next year might bring. As I reflect over this year, the most obvious thing to turn to is the fact that we have added 4 children (and lost one as B-man went to live with a new foster family) in the course of this year. The only word for adding 4 children to your family in a year is UN-NATURAL! Ok, maybe another word would fit also - BLESSED!
But as many of you know, kids are not cheap! They have needs and expenses. Three of our kiddos came with some financial support. Fostering is not really that much of a financial burden as the state reimburses you through the daily stipend. So I can't say that we have felt a financial burden to a large degree even with adding three children. However, as we transfer from foster to adoption with two of them and look at paying for a baby delivery and adding that baby to the monthly bills, I have to confess I have had a few moments of intense anxiety!
That is what started the reflection!
Yes, we added three kids, and we also lost my salary! When we turned the orphanage over to LifeSong, I stopped taking any kind of salary from Addy's Hope because there were no funds to support the salary. I also wasn't working as much obviously since I wasn't having to pound the pavement looking for donations or trying to run an orphanage from half a world away.
God provided for us in a huge way during that transition by John receiving a huge promotion (he is now second in command at the service center) and my grandfather passed away leaving my parents his inheritance which they graciously shared a portion with my brother and I. We were able to use this lump sum to pay down our debt so that we had manageable monthly bills. I still look back at the timing of all that with awe! It all happened at exactly the right time. The exact month we stopped receiving my salary, John's kicked in! That has to be God!
But the miracles don't stop there! God's economy is like everything else God does, it doesn't make sense! You cannot look at it with earthly eyes and make any sense of it.
With the addition of our children, we found we needed a bigger car. John was (and still isn't) anywhere close to driving a 12 passenger van. Plus those suckers are EXPENSIVE!!!! At least the conversion ones that are safer than the church van style. We started praying about what to do as we were very torn with having to take two cars everywhere. That is not conducive for family life, or the gas budget! We drove by a Suburban parked in a lot for sale. I told John let's look at it! That in itself had to be the Holy Spirit because I HATE buying cars!!! We drove over to it and I couldn't believe when I looked in the windows...it had bench seats in the front and middle row, so it was a Suburban that seated nine!!!! We have been doing Dave Ramsey this year and really wanted to pay cash for our next car. We were no where even close to that, so should we buy it? Ramsey would say no. But John and I both felt God was saying it was the car He had for us. We did have to take out a loan to get it, but the car was in amazingly good condition for how old it is and was priced below value AND came with a transferable warranty so when anything breaks, we are not out any money to fix it! Doesn't get any better than that on a used car! We started praying about what to do with our Honda Odyssey. We had talked even months before that we would love to be able to give it to a family who needed a bigger car to foster. But now we have this car loan with a car payment that we haven't had in years! So we started looking at selling it to pay down the loan. God made it clear through the next weeks that we were to give it away, not sell it and made it clear who was to be the recipient. If you know John and I, you know that I am not saying this to toot our horn, and in fact, wasn't going to put it in this post at all, except it illustrates for us how God's economy DOES NOT operate like the world! The world says we should hang on to and sell for the top dollar whatever we need to provide security. God says, obey me and you will have security like nothing else will provide! We are seeing that played out before our very lives!
I do have a confession. I kind of thought since we gave the van away, maybe a check would arrive to pay off our suburban loan. That check didn't come! BUT, what has come are little (and even some substantial) financial blessings that have provided for needs and even wants at just the right time!
I think we are pretty modest in what we buy for our children and each other for Christmas. Yes, they have plenty! I'm not trying to say we "sacrifice" in any way, but we stay under $100 for each child. So when the oldest two asked for Ipod touches for Christmas, well, the answer was obviously NO! But even with that modest budget, and trying to save all year, we were having a hard time making ends meet for Christmas. Just this month, we had an amazing Christmas blessing from Buckner where all the kids received a new set of pajamas and several other more than generous gifts! The county in Odessa where Baby Girl's case is provided Christmas presents for her, so she is taken care of. My amazing friends gave Princess M a "teen shower" where they bought our bedding needed for the transition in the girls' room and showered Princess M with not only some necessities, but many extras just to show her love! We also had a friend offer to give us beds for the girls! The blessings just can't be measured as we have learned to walk in God's economy!
One of the first "big" blows us away blessings came the week we found out we were pregnant. John went outside to fin a Lowe's gift card on the front porch. It was from "The Body of Christ!" Blew us away! And allowed us to finish up some home repairs and projects that had been on hold due to financial restraints...and had been stressing John out!
But last week, topped them all! In the course of two days, we received two envelopes with substantial amounts of cash...both from single mothers (one newly married single mom)! These are not wealthy people by any means! They reminded me of the widow's might. Here we are, a married couple with a very nice income, and we are receiving cash gifts from these single moms! Blessed, yes, but more than that, HUMBLED! You see, one of the things we have had to learn in God's economy is how to receive! I never thought that was an issue. But was God has showered us with blessings, we have had to realize that we have to be willing to humbly receive the gifts he has for us...just like we had to learn to receive His most precious gift of salvation! They don't usually come how we expect them or even in the most "comfortable" way. But that is God's economy! He uses whomever is willing! This time it was two ladies who walked in obedience and sacrifice to God and taught this mother more than I am sure they will ever know! Because in my legalistic mind, God promises to provide our needs, not our wants! But God showed us this month, that even wants can be in His provision! As long as we walk in His economy and do well with the little things He entrusts to us, He will continue to provide!
Was thinking on those things this morning and couldn't sleep. You see, I don't think we have done so well with the "little" things and am amazed that God continues to bless us! But God reminded me that he desires obedience over sacrifice! So I got out of bed and spent my time with Him this morning paying bills! You see, even paying bills can be a worshipful experience when I remember where my money comes from and Who is my provider!
I can't say that I didn't have some moments of anxiety as we look at the coming months when we will have to make the payments for the baby's delivery and we look at losing the foster stipend for Baby Girl. But God quickly quieted my Spirit with the Holy Spirit's whisper, "Do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of it's own. We will tackle tomorrow when tomorrow gets here. I am your Provider. Trust!"
And trust Him I do! He replaced my anxiety with anticipation! I can't wait to share more miracles of how God's economy works in our home and the homes of our friends who are on this journey with us! God has brought some of the most humble and generous people I have ever met into our lives at our new church home! I can't wait to see how God uses this portion of His body to impact the world as so many of my friends continue to reach out to the least of these...and I see God working miracle after miracle in each of our lives for us to "afford" it as we navigate the world's economy all the time relying on HIS economy!
Friday, December 17, 2010
The Journey: Saying Good-Bye
Today has been an emotional day! I am packing up B-Man's items. He is moving to a new foster home tomorrow. We knew all along that B-man would probably not be our permanently, but knowing that and the reality of letting him go are two different things!
It's all about numbers. Frustrates me. Its not that I don't totally understand, but I also am frustrated that the "system" can't look at individual cases and see what is best for a child. He is being reunited with a brother, but B-man doesn't know that is his brother. He just knows that I am his mom and my kids are his siblings. There is now way to explain to a baby that they are "foster"! We have a baby who has gone from stiff as a board when you hold him, no molding whatsoever, to a baby who hid his face in my chest last night to play peek-a-boo! We have gone from a baby who never cried to one that cries all the time. In attachment lingo that means we have a baby who has found his voice because he knows someone will hear him and respond.
I spoke to his new foster home this morning. They are wonderful. He will be loved and cared for. But it won't be me rocking him to sleep at night are sitting on the couch with him at night when he wakes up and just wants to be held! I won't get to see that smile that lights up the world anymore. I won't hear that giggle that makes even the hardest of hearts giggle with him!
We knew this day was coming ever since we started the process to adopt Princess M! We knew bringing her home would put us over the number of children for a regular foster home. Because we are a group home, we can only have 3 children ages 5 and under. We have 4. They gave us a waiver, but it expires January 7. In some ways, I know God has been preparing my heart for this day, but I don't think there is anyway to totally prepare for letting go of a child you love as your own!
His biological mom called me this morning asking me to please take the brother so that they would leave B-man here with us. I explained that we can't legally do that.
There is a chance that mom will get them back in January. So it could be that both these boys are being moved to a new placement for just a few weeks. Why? That seems ridiculous and damaging! I was ready to fight...I was ready to ask when does the child's best interest come into play? But God silenced me. For those who know me well, you know how hard it is for me not to fight an injustice! Ripping a child who has just learned to bond from the attachments he has made is an injustice!
But God sees the big picture. He knows the things I will never know. So when he told me not to fight, I began the process of letting go. Still not sure what that looks like. Thought I was doing well until today when I started packing his things. Haven't even put make up on because there is no use. The tears would wash it off.
God keeps saying, "Trust and obey, just trust and obey!" Trust. The hardest thing for me to do since Eden didn't come home! Once again I find myself saying goodbye to a child. Seems like I do that a lot! I don't care how many times I have to do it, I. DON'T. LIKE. IT.
I fell in love. I loved him like he would be with me forever. I took the risk. Was it worth it? Not on the surface! But spiritual journeys don't stop on the surface. We obeyed. We may never know "why" he was with us for three months. But we took him when God said take him. And we are letting him go when God says let him go! And I am trusting God with him. That sounds crazy that I would even question trusting God, but that is what it came down to! Do I trust that God loves him more than I ever can? Do I trust that God will fill the whole in my heart that will be there when he leaves? After years of walking in doubt, I am so grateful to say, YES! I trust God with all that!
Then there is the whole hurt of my children! All the voices that asked why we would put our kids through this come back loud and clear. None of them are happy about having to let B-man go! Ava has asked all day why he can't stay with us and why am I packing up his clothes. No matter what I say to her, she says, "But I love him!" How do you explain what you don't understand yourself to a four year old? But they have to learn to trust and obey also! Have we done them a disservice by asking them to care for a child who needed a family even though we now have to let him go? Absolutely not! They have learned to love the least of these! And I believe they are changed for eternity because of it!
I say a prayer for him with each piece of clothing I lay in the suitcase. I pray that God's plan for his life will play out to it's fullest! I pray protection over him as his future is so uncertain. I pray that he will land in a safe, permanent home where he will have the help he needs to progress normally despite his current physical delays.
I thank God that I knew this little bundle of joy that will forever be a part of our family! I thank God that he has taught me once again that he will hold my hand through good times and bad! I am thankful that he has a good home to go to and I am able to talk to them and tell them the little things about him that will make his transition (and theirs) easier!
Some have asked what I thought about fostering. Here is the part I had never had to do yet...let go! So what do I think now? I think that fostering to adopt is an amazing thing! I am so grateful for the baby girl who is in my home because of foster to adopt that will be ours forever in just a few months! But I also think that fostering just for the sake of fostering is not my calling! I am so thankful there are people who are called strictly to fostering! We need them!!! But to bring children in and work with the system just so I can let kids go and bring in other ones, is not my heart. This is killing me. I invest in children for life. To have them removed and not be able to continue to pour into them, well, it hurts. I don't like it.
Would we do it again? I've learned enough through the years to not say no! But I also know that this season of our lives is coming to a close. We have too many kids in the home to take little ones and God is calling us to serve these children in another way...through Addy's Hope. God has given us four amazing children in the past year. He is taking one. We are still blessed! But for now, our quiver is full. We will let go of B-man tomorrow and let him go into whatever God has for him in the future. And I will love on the six that will remain with the one being knit in my womb and thank God for each and every moment I get to spend with each of them! For as He continues to teach me, no matter how my children come, they are not mine, they are His! He just entrusts them to me to teach them and train them to be soldiers for His Army! When my time in their life is up, He will take them. He is sovereign. I trust that He knows what is best for each of my children. I trust that He has a bigger picture that I can't see. I trust that in some small way, our loving and letting go of B-man will bring him glory! Because really, bringing Him glory is my ultimate goal!
So good-bye, B-man! Or maybe, till later! We will forever love you and hold you close to our hearts in prayer! And I don't care what the doctors say....one day, I'm going to hear your name on a pro-football team roster! :) You prove them all wrong Big Guy! This momma will always love you and believe in you! God bless your life! I am blessed to have been a part of it...even if only for a few months!
It's all about numbers. Frustrates me. Its not that I don't totally understand, but I also am frustrated that the "system" can't look at individual cases and see what is best for a child. He is being reunited with a brother, but B-man doesn't know that is his brother. He just knows that I am his mom and my kids are his siblings. There is now way to explain to a baby that they are "foster"! We have a baby who has gone from stiff as a board when you hold him, no molding whatsoever, to a baby who hid his face in my chest last night to play peek-a-boo! We have gone from a baby who never cried to one that cries all the time. In attachment lingo that means we have a baby who has found his voice because he knows someone will hear him and respond.
I spoke to his new foster home this morning. They are wonderful. He will be loved and cared for. But it won't be me rocking him to sleep at night are sitting on the couch with him at night when he wakes up and just wants to be held! I won't get to see that smile that lights up the world anymore. I won't hear that giggle that makes even the hardest of hearts giggle with him!
We knew this day was coming ever since we started the process to adopt Princess M! We knew bringing her home would put us over the number of children for a regular foster home. Because we are a group home, we can only have 3 children ages 5 and under. We have 4. They gave us a waiver, but it expires January 7. In some ways, I know God has been preparing my heart for this day, but I don't think there is anyway to totally prepare for letting go of a child you love as your own!
His biological mom called me this morning asking me to please take the brother so that they would leave B-man here with us. I explained that we can't legally do that.
There is a chance that mom will get them back in January. So it could be that both these boys are being moved to a new placement for just a few weeks. Why? That seems ridiculous and damaging! I was ready to fight...I was ready to ask when does the child's best interest come into play? But God silenced me. For those who know me well, you know how hard it is for me not to fight an injustice! Ripping a child who has just learned to bond from the attachments he has made is an injustice!
But God sees the big picture. He knows the things I will never know. So when he told me not to fight, I began the process of letting go. Still not sure what that looks like. Thought I was doing well until today when I started packing his things. Haven't even put make up on because there is no use. The tears would wash it off.
God keeps saying, "Trust and obey, just trust and obey!" Trust. The hardest thing for me to do since Eden didn't come home! Once again I find myself saying goodbye to a child. Seems like I do that a lot! I don't care how many times I have to do it, I. DON'T. LIKE. IT.
I fell in love. I loved him like he would be with me forever. I took the risk. Was it worth it? Not on the surface! But spiritual journeys don't stop on the surface. We obeyed. We may never know "why" he was with us for three months. But we took him when God said take him. And we are letting him go when God says let him go! And I am trusting God with him. That sounds crazy that I would even question trusting God, but that is what it came down to! Do I trust that God loves him more than I ever can? Do I trust that God will fill the whole in my heart that will be there when he leaves? After years of walking in doubt, I am so grateful to say, YES! I trust God with all that!
Then there is the whole hurt of my children! All the voices that asked why we would put our kids through this come back loud and clear. None of them are happy about having to let B-man go! Ava has asked all day why he can't stay with us and why am I packing up his clothes. No matter what I say to her, she says, "But I love him!" How do you explain what you don't understand yourself to a four year old? But they have to learn to trust and obey also! Have we done them a disservice by asking them to care for a child who needed a family even though we now have to let him go? Absolutely not! They have learned to love the least of these! And I believe they are changed for eternity because of it!
I say a prayer for him with each piece of clothing I lay in the suitcase. I pray that God's plan for his life will play out to it's fullest! I pray protection over him as his future is so uncertain. I pray that he will land in a safe, permanent home where he will have the help he needs to progress normally despite his current physical delays.
I thank God that I knew this little bundle of joy that will forever be a part of our family! I thank God that he has taught me once again that he will hold my hand through good times and bad! I am thankful that he has a good home to go to and I am able to talk to them and tell them the little things about him that will make his transition (and theirs) easier!
Some have asked what I thought about fostering. Here is the part I had never had to do yet...let go! So what do I think now? I think that fostering to adopt is an amazing thing! I am so grateful for the baby girl who is in my home because of foster to adopt that will be ours forever in just a few months! But I also think that fostering just for the sake of fostering is not my calling! I am so thankful there are people who are called strictly to fostering! We need them!!! But to bring children in and work with the system just so I can let kids go and bring in other ones, is not my heart. This is killing me. I invest in children for life. To have them removed and not be able to continue to pour into them, well, it hurts. I don't like it.
Would we do it again? I've learned enough through the years to not say no! But I also know that this season of our lives is coming to a close. We have too many kids in the home to take little ones and God is calling us to serve these children in another way...through Addy's Hope. God has given us four amazing children in the past year. He is taking one. We are still blessed! But for now, our quiver is full. We will let go of B-man tomorrow and let him go into whatever God has for him in the future. And I will love on the six that will remain with the one being knit in my womb and thank God for each and every moment I get to spend with each of them! For as He continues to teach me, no matter how my children come, they are not mine, they are His! He just entrusts them to me to teach them and train them to be soldiers for His Army! When my time in their life is up, He will take them. He is sovereign. I trust that He knows what is best for each of my children. I trust that He has a bigger picture that I can't see. I trust that in some small way, our loving and letting go of B-man will bring him glory! Because really, bringing Him glory is my ultimate goal!
So good-bye, B-man! Or maybe, till later! We will forever love you and hold you close to our hearts in prayer! And I don't care what the doctors say....one day, I'm going to hear your name on a pro-football team roster! :) You prove them all wrong Big Guy! This momma will always love you and believe in you! God bless your life! I am blessed to have been a part of it...even if only for a few months!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
A Chance for Some Kids!
We are having our second annual Tour of Homes for Addy's Hope this Saturday. We are using the funds this year to provide foster family scholarships if they need a little extra $$ to get things like fire extinguishers, smoke detectors, etc. to finish the foster license process. We have an extreme shortage in our area of foster families. Right now 60% of our kids have to leave the region. That is just in sane! So we are doing this to try to help bring that number down.
One of the things we are doing this year since we are focusing on state kids is we will have the heart gallery in the homes. Each home will have a picture of a child who is available for adoption and waiting for a forever family! They delivered the pictures this afternoon! I haven't had a chance to look at all of them, but the few I have, well, they break my heart! I see Princess M in each one of them. The stories she has told, the way she thinks life is for everyone, NO CHILD SHOULD EVER FEEL THIS WAY! These kids need families!
This is the first time these kids' pictures have been viewed! They are brand new! It is so exciting!
Will you pray with me? Will you pray that these kids will find their forever families THIS WEEKEND?! God can do it! He can send whomever He has picked for them to the home their picture is at and let their eyes pierce the heart of the mom and dad that are supposed to bring them home!
I found a letter I had written Princess M the day I resolved that she was ours and there was no turning back....the day I trusted God with this journey and agreed to let go of my fears and walk in faith! Brings tears to my eyes every time I think about "what if" I hadn't done that? What if I had let my fears and doubts in my abilities and strength get the best of me? She has only been here a little over a week, and I can't imagine not having her here! She has my heart....all of it! Yes, there have been some hard spots. Yes, it is exhausting having a teen girl and all the emotions and drama that go with that...but SHE. IS. WORTH. EVERY. EXHAUSTING. SECOND!
Pray with me! I will get all the pictures out and list the names and ages of the kids. If I can find them on TARE, I will post the links so you can read about who you are praying for! I'm excited! And if you live in the are and need tickets to the tour, let me know! Saturday, Dec 4th from 6-9 - Eight homes! All sizes and shapes including Lofts on Main! Great way to spend a Saturday evening and you will be helping a great cause at the same time! And if you are local and have a blog, would you help us spread the word?! You can buy tickets at the houses, so no pre-purchase is necessary! Last minute tourers are welcome! :)
One of the things we are doing this year since we are focusing on state kids is we will have the heart gallery in the homes. Each home will have a picture of a child who is available for adoption and waiting for a forever family! They delivered the pictures this afternoon! I haven't had a chance to look at all of them, but the few I have, well, they break my heart! I see Princess M in each one of them. The stories she has told, the way she thinks life is for everyone, NO CHILD SHOULD EVER FEEL THIS WAY! These kids need families!
This is the first time these kids' pictures have been viewed! They are brand new! It is so exciting!
Will you pray with me? Will you pray that these kids will find their forever families THIS WEEKEND?! God can do it! He can send whomever He has picked for them to the home their picture is at and let their eyes pierce the heart of the mom and dad that are supposed to bring them home!
I found a letter I had written Princess M the day I resolved that she was ours and there was no turning back....the day I trusted God with this journey and agreed to let go of my fears and walk in faith! Brings tears to my eyes every time I think about "what if" I hadn't done that? What if I had let my fears and doubts in my abilities and strength get the best of me? She has only been here a little over a week, and I can't imagine not having her here! She has my heart....all of it! Yes, there have been some hard spots. Yes, it is exhausting having a teen girl and all the emotions and drama that go with that...but SHE. IS. WORTH. EVERY. EXHAUSTING. SECOND!
Pray with me! I will get all the pictures out and list the names and ages of the kids. If I can find them on TARE, I will post the links so you can read about who you are praying for! I'm excited! And if you live in the are and need tickets to the tour, let me know! Saturday, Dec 4th from 6-9 - Eight homes! All sizes and shapes including Lofts on Main! Great way to spend a Saturday evening and you will be helping a great cause at the same time! And if you are local and have a blog, would you help us spread the word?! You can buy tickets at the houses, so no pre-purchase is necessary! Last minute tourers are welcome! :)
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
My Monday
Ok, I should be in bed, but, well, that is how my day has gone!
For my blog readers who aren't my friends on Facebook, let me just apologize for my lack of updates! Life has been quite insane at the P-tree house! Yes, we met Princess M! I described it like living in a Hallmark movie...all the way down to John asking her what she wanted for Christmas and her response being, "I already got it" and me in my not so stellar moment asking, "What?!" and her shy reply, "A family!" I did hold it together and not burst into tears right there at Olive Garden! But there were so many moments like that! I will cherish those first moments with her forever!
We did get the foster placement approved, so last Tuesday, Princess M came to live with us forever! Praise God! The last week has been a dream come true! I hopefully will have time to share more in detail later, but let me just say,
WE
ARE
BLESSED!!!!
She is an amazing young lady! After all she has been through, well, she just amazes me! Yes, I know, for those of you who have been there done this, we are in the "honeymoon" phase! But you know what, I am going to enjoy every second of it! And I will tuck each of these amazing moments in the back of my mind so IF the challenges come, I will remember this and keep walking with her! I am not going to ruin the good time looking for the bad! It never came with Toben! He never had the "other shoe fall" so to speak, so I am not going to look for it with her either. We are realistic. We know what we can be facing, and IF it comes, we will face it! We have already had a couple of hiccups, but they went amazingly well and God provided wisdom and comfort for all of us! I will trust Him to do the same with any future hiccups!
Now, back to my Monday!
Addy's Hope is doing a tour of homes to raise money for foster families. We have an amazing friend named Leigh-Anne who sets up our publicity for the event. We were in one paper Sunday and another this morning. Now, the stage is set!
So my Monday really began at 12:00 am...I was still up! I was rocking a baby who didn't want to go to sleep and talking to a teen who wanted to share her heart! After I got the baby down, the teen and I snuggled under a blanket on the couch enjoying some one on one time! It was an amazing time, but that meant I didn't get to bed until after 1 am...have I mentioned I am pregnant? The nausea this pregnancy has been almost debilitating! A mother of 7 really does not have time for nausea...and lack of sleep tends to aggravate it! But I wouldn't have missed my time with Princess M for anything, so I prayed that God would replace my sleep and set my alarm for a mere 4 and a half hours later. Didn't have to do that because before mentioned baby was awake again before the alarm was allowed to wake me!
That was the start.
So of course, I'm running late and working on less than full brain power! Have to be at a birth mom visit by 10 with a full day scheduled after that. The agency phone rings. I answer it. First mistake of many today!
The voice on the other end introduces himself as a pastor of a local church and proceeds to tell me he wants to visit with me about a quote in the paper. The article is not up on line yet, but here is the quote: “We have too many churches in Midland-Odessa to have kids living in orphanages,” HollyAnn Petree said. “I don’t think people know there’s a need and that it’s as drastic as it is.” He proceeds to tell me that he doesn't appreciate me saying that churches need to do more because they are already being asked to pay for hotel rooms and electric bills and all this takes money and parishioners are not giving more. I'm still not totally understanding where he is going, so I just proceed with my jolly attitude and tell him that he is in luck because that is the purpose of the tour of homes is to help offset the initial cost for foster families so that money is not an obstacle! He said he understood that but that he is tired of churches being asked by the government and everyone else to do more. I shared our testimony how we continued our work in Liberia after adoptions shut down for 18 months only because God supplied. I told him I would be more than happy to come talk to his congregation if he liked. I would issue them the challenge if he felt he had already asked them to give more than he should. He still wasn't happy. I then told him I would encourage him to go visit our local emergency shelter where 20-25 children under the age of five call "home" and look in their eyes and then we could continue this conversation. I don't remember all his comebacks. I just remember telling him that he must not read the same gospel I do because James 1:27 clearly states that we are to care for the orphans and widows in their distress and as long as 60% of our kids are having to be sent out of region and we have children in an emergency shelter, the local Body of Christ is not doing enough! He then talked about how they just couldn't do anymore and I should not be making such statements. I then told him I couldn't believe that a pastor of all people was attacking me for restating a challenge to the Body of Christ that was clear in scripture. He took great offense that I thought it was an attack (not sure what else you call it when he won't listen to anything I have to say!) He then went on to say that it was just not possible for the church to meet all these needs. I once again told him we must be studying different Bibles because mine says ALL things are possible for God....at that he said, I've had enough, good-bye and HUNG UP ON ME! My immediate reaction was anger, but very shortly it turned to heartbreak! Heartbreak that a man who calls himself a Christian and is LEADING a group of Christians would have such unBiblical character and thinking! I could go on and on about that...but I must get to the rest of my day!
I proceed to take Baby Girl to her visit with Princess M going with me as the plan was to register her for school this afternoon so she would be ready to start fresh tomorrow morning. The school she will go to wears uniforms, so we left today to finish getting what she needed for her uniform and school.
Then went to my parents for a short break before heading back to pick up Baby Girl. Was told when I picked her up that she had been put on one of the children's size picnic tables, left unattended and fell off head first. That would explain the bright red whelp on her forehead! I'll save my remarks about that for another day!
Went back to mom and dads to inhale a bite of lunch before heading off to my first "real" dr appointment of this pregnancy. They said it would take awhile, but I didn't know it would take ALL afternoon! I really didn't wait a long time for any part of it, they just put me through the ringer! I got there at 1:00 and left at 3:45. In that time frame, I had to decide what hospital to have the baby at, whether I would do a repeat c-section or try vaginal (although after two c-sections, they really don't give you much of an option - again a topic for another post!), what to do about some medication I am taking, and all without my husband! That alone nearly put me in tears...have I mentioned that it still has not sunk in that I am having a baby?! Really! I'm too busy to have a baby!
So if all that wasn't heavy enough, every other comment was about my "advanced maternal age"! By the time I left, I was thinking I needed to be rolled out in a wheelchair! It's nuts! I'm only four years older than that last time I gave birth, but you would think I am knocking on deaths door by the way they talk about you when you are 36 (but they go by 37 because that is how old I'll be when the baby arrives) and having a baby! I don't usually feel old, but today, well, call me Granny, I guess!
In the course of my appointment I find out that they are doing a glucose test (I am only 9 weeks, but due to my age and all :) they do one now AND later!). So I immediately know that I am not going to make it back to the house by 3 for the visit from our Buckner worker. I also worry if I will make it to the TV interview I am supposed to do at 4....did I mention I didn't know about the TV interview when I got ready this morning?????? Nough said!!! Just one more way God has reminded me that It. Is. Not. About. Me.
I would love to call these people to let them know, but Ava has played her counting game on my phone and it has died!
I realize that they are going to do a sono, so I go to the waiting room and get Princess M who I left in the waiting room happy as a lark with her new phone texting away! But thought she would want to see the baby...which she did. So she came back and I used her phone to call John to tell him to call all the other people.
Then we went into the sono room. As I told Princess M, if you didn't feel like family before, you should now! Nothing like bonding over a gyno exam! Geeze!!! Anyway, we finally got to the sono, and I was amazed! My last sono was only a little over two weeks ago. We saw two circles with a little flitter in one. When the image popped up this time, there was a baby waiving at me and kicking his two little legs as fast as he could! I gasped out loud! Needless to say, that was the highlight of my day! I couldn't believe it! There is a baby inside of me! I know that sounds crazy, but really, I don't sit and dwell on it like I did with the other two pregnancies! I don't have time! So to see that life, kicking and waving, well, there are no words!
I would love to share the picture of "Our Little It" as Princess M now lovingly refers to the baby, but as has been par for my day, the disc is presently no where to be found. Upon its recovery, I will share with you!
We finally leave the doctors appointment. I speed to my parents to pick up the babies and Ava who have caused all kinds of havoc for my parents whose house is on the tour this weekend. I'm apologizing and feel horrible that they had the kids for so long! We load up and head to McDonald's because Princess M is having a french fry craving...amazing how everyone but me is having cravings around here! SO we sit in the mall parking lot eating our french fries waiting for John to come switch cars and take these four children home to meet the other three who are pretty well angry that they had to walk home because I was thirty minutes away when they got out of school (we only live a few blocks from the school and Callie has a cell phone!). Oh, let me explain, we are sitting in the mall parking lot because the tv station that I am about to do the interview with is in the mall! Yes, I said "in the mall"! Only in West Texas does that happen!
So let's recap the day: get up late, don't wash my hair, do a "day 2 do", put on as little make up as possible to get out the door as fast as possible and haven't been home since. And now, right after a gyno appointment, I am interviewed for tv! Vanity has never been a huge issue for me, but today was even a little much for me! None the less, I did the interview and I pray that people will hear the message and buy tickets so that we can get more and more foster homes for these kids! And if the "Church" is doing too much Mr. Terry at Memorial Christian Church, then I guess the WORLD will have to take up the slack?! Give me a break!!!!
So that was my day! Oh, I did forget to mention that at the end of the doctor visit, they gave me the bill for our part of the baby! That caused a mild - ok, I'm fibbing, a major panic attack about the financial part of another baby!
So right now, at 1 am on this last day of November, I listen to one of my seven snoring like a freight train, another one cooing in her sleep, and know the others are resting peacefully. Across the house, my poor husband who I know is probably just as overwhelmed with it all as I am sleeps. I sit here. I know that each of these lives is a blessing. I know without a doubt that God has called us to each and everything that we are doing, but I feel totally and completely overwhelmed! Overwhelmed that He would trust me with this much. Overwhelmed with the battles that I know we will fight each and every day for the children under our roof and those God is calling us to be the voice for who don't have a roof! I feel totally and completely unqualified and honestly a complete failure at the majority of what He has called me to do.
But those are all feelings! I will go to sleep now. I will rest and pray that God replaces the sleep I have once again lost as I needed time to just process it all. I will wake up again in the morning and start my day by digging into the Word for the Truth! I will not walk based on feelings! I will walk by faith and not by sight! I will trust the One who already gave His Son for me! I will not look a Savior in the face who after being beaten and spit upon and called names that crushed him STILL went to the cross for me and say, "I've had enough. I quit." I will not do it! Mr. Pastor, I challenge you to the same! Whatever your church is doing, I challenge you to do more! I may have 7 children under my roof, but as long as there is a child who did not get tucked into bed tonight by her mommy or daddy, I. AM. NOT. DOING. ENOUGH! As long as there is a widow who is cold tonight because she has no heat, I. AM. NOT. DOING. ENOUGH! It was a command, not a suggestion! And God says that I can do greater things than even John the Baptist who was the greatest at that time! I may feel overwhelmed, but the truth: I have overcome by the Blood of the Lamb! Bring it on Tuesday! I'm ready for ya!!!!
For my blog readers who aren't my friends on Facebook, let me just apologize for my lack of updates! Life has been quite insane at the P-tree house! Yes, we met Princess M! I described it like living in a Hallmark movie...all the way down to John asking her what she wanted for Christmas and her response being, "I already got it" and me in my not so stellar moment asking, "What?!" and her shy reply, "A family!" I did hold it together and not burst into tears right there at Olive Garden! But there were so many moments like that! I will cherish those first moments with her forever!
We did get the foster placement approved, so last Tuesday, Princess M came to live with us forever! Praise God! The last week has been a dream come true! I hopefully will have time to share more in detail later, but let me just say,
WE
ARE
BLESSED!!!!
She is an amazing young lady! After all she has been through, well, she just amazes me! Yes, I know, for those of you who have been there done this, we are in the "honeymoon" phase! But you know what, I am going to enjoy every second of it! And I will tuck each of these amazing moments in the back of my mind so IF the challenges come, I will remember this and keep walking with her! I am not going to ruin the good time looking for the bad! It never came with Toben! He never had the "other shoe fall" so to speak, so I am not going to look for it with her either. We are realistic. We know what we can be facing, and IF it comes, we will face it! We have already had a couple of hiccups, but they went amazingly well and God provided wisdom and comfort for all of us! I will trust Him to do the same with any future hiccups!
Now, back to my Monday!
Addy's Hope is doing a tour of homes to raise money for foster families. We have an amazing friend named Leigh-Anne who sets up our publicity for the event. We were in one paper Sunday and another this morning. Now, the stage is set!
So my Monday really began at 12:00 am...I was still up! I was rocking a baby who didn't want to go to sleep and talking to a teen who wanted to share her heart! After I got the baby down, the teen and I snuggled under a blanket on the couch enjoying some one on one time! It was an amazing time, but that meant I didn't get to bed until after 1 am...have I mentioned I am pregnant? The nausea this pregnancy has been almost debilitating! A mother of 7 really does not have time for nausea...and lack of sleep tends to aggravate it! But I wouldn't have missed my time with Princess M for anything, so I prayed that God would replace my sleep and set my alarm for a mere 4 and a half hours later. Didn't have to do that because before mentioned baby was awake again before the alarm was allowed to wake me!
That was the start.
So of course, I'm running late and working on less than full brain power! Have to be at a birth mom visit by 10 with a full day scheduled after that. The agency phone rings. I answer it. First mistake of many today!
The voice on the other end introduces himself as a pastor of a local church and proceeds to tell me he wants to visit with me about a quote in the paper. The article is not up on line yet, but here is the quote: “We have too many churches in Midland-Odessa to have kids living in orphanages,” HollyAnn Petree said. “I don’t think people know there’s a need and that it’s as drastic as it is.” He proceeds to tell me that he doesn't appreciate me saying that churches need to do more because they are already being asked to pay for hotel rooms and electric bills and all this takes money and parishioners are not giving more. I'm still not totally understanding where he is going, so I just proceed with my jolly attitude and tell him that he is in luck because that is the purpose of the tour of homes is to help offset the initial cost for foster families so that money is not an obstacle! He said he understood that but that he is tired of churches being asked by the government and everyone else to do more. I shared our testimony how we continued our work in Liberia after adoptions shut down for 18 months only because God supplied. I told him I would be more than happy to come talk to his congregation if he liked. I would issue them the challenge if he felt he had already asked them to give more than he should. He still wasn't happy. I then told him I would encourage him to go visit our local emergency shelter where 20-25 children under the age of five call "home" and look in their eyes and then we could continue this conversation. I don't remember all his comebacks. I just remember telling him that he must not read the same gospel I do because James 1:27 clearly states that we are to care for the orphans and widows in their distress and as long as 60% of our kids are having to be sent out of region and we have children in an emergency shelter, the local Body of Christ is not doing enough! He then talked about how they just couldn't do anymore and I should not be making such statements. I then told him I couldn't believe that a pastor of all people was attacking me for restating a challenge to the Body of Christ that was clear in scripture. He took great offense that I thought it was an attack (not sure what else you call it when he won't listen to anything I have to say!) He then went on to say that it was just not possible for the church to meet all these needs. I once again told him we must be studying different Bibles because mine says ALL things are possible for God....at that he said, I've had enough, good-bye and HUNG UP ON ME! My immediate reaction was anger, but very shortly it turned to heartbreak! Heartbreak that a man who calls himself a Christian and is LEADING a group of Christians would have such unBiblical character and thinking! I could go on and on about that...but I must get to the rest of my day!
I proceed to take Baby Girl to her visit with Princess M going with me as the plan was to register her for school this afternoon so she would be ready to start fresh tomorrow morning. The school she will go to wears uniforms, so we left today to finish getting what she needed for her uniform and school.
Then went to my parents for a short break before heading back to pick up Baby Girl. Was told when I picked her up that she had been put on one of the children's size picnic tables, left unattended and fell off head first. That would explain the bright red whelp on her forehead! I'll save my remarks about that for another day!
Went back to mom and dads to inhale a bite of lunch before heading off to my first "real" dr appointment of this pregnancy. They said it would take awhile, but I didn't know it would take ALL afternoon! I really didn't wait a long time for any part of it, they just put me through the ringer! I got there at 1:00 and left at 3:45. In that time frame, I had to decide what hospital to have the baby at, whether I would do a repeat c-section or try vaginal (although after two c-sections, they really don't give you much of an option - again a topic for another post!), what to do about some medication I am taking, and all without my husband! That alone nearly put me in tears...have I mentioned that it still has not sunk in that I am having a baby?! Really! I'm too busy to have a baby!
So if all that wasn't heavy enough, every other comment was about my "advanced maternal age"! By the time I left, I was thinking I needed to be rolled out in a wheelchair! It's nuts! I'm only four years older than that last time I gave birth, but you would think I am knocking on deaths door by the way they talk about you when you are 36 (but they go by 37 because that is how old I'll be when the baby arrives) and having a baby! I don't usually feel old, but today, well, call me Granny, I guess!
In the course of my appointment I find out that they are doing a glucose test (I am only 9 weeks, but due to my age and all :) they do one now AND later!). So I immediately know that I am not going to make it back to the house by 3 for the visit from our Buckner worker. I also worry if I will make it to the TV interview I am supposed to do at 4....did I mention I didn't know about the TV interview when I got ready this morning?????? Nough said!!! Just one more way God has reminded me that It. Is. Not. About. Me.
I would love to call these people to let them know, but Ava has played her counting game on my phone and it has died!
I realize that they are going to do a sono, so I go to the waiting room and get Princess M who I left in the waiting room happy as a lark with her new phone texting away! But thought she would want to see the baby...which she did. So she came back and I used her phone to call John to tell him to call all the other people.
Then we went into the sono room. As I told Princess M, if you didn't feel like family before, you should now! Nothing like bonding over a gyno exam! Geeze!!! Anyway, we finally got to the sono, and I was amazed! My last sono was only a little over two weeks ago. We saw two circles with a little flitter in one. When the image popped up this time, there was a baby waiving at me and kicking his two little legs as fast as he could! I gasped out loud! Needless to say, that was the highlight of my day! I couldn't believe it! There is a baby inside of me! I know that sounds crazy, but really, I don't sit and dwell on it like I did with the other two pregnancies! I don't have time! So to see that life, kicking and waving, well, there are no words!
I would love to share the picture of "Our Little It" as Princess M now lovingly refers to the baby, but as has been par for my day, the disc is presently no where to be found. Upon its recovery, I will share with you!
We finally leave the doctors appointment. I speed to my parents to pick up the babies and Ava who have caused all kinds of havoc for my parents whose house is on the tour this weekend. I'm apologizing and feel horrible that they had the kids for so long! We load up and head to McDonald's because Princess M is having a french fry craving...amazing how everyone but me is having cravings around here! SO we sit in the mall parking lot eating our french fries waiting for John to come switch cars and take these four children home to meet the other three who are pretty well angry that they had to walk home because I was thirty minutes away when they got out of school (we only live a few blocks from the school and Callie has a cell phone!). Oh, let me explain, we are sitting in the mall parking lot because the tv station that I am about to do the interview with is in the mall! Yes, I said "in the mall"! Only in West Texas does that happen!
So let's recap the day: get up late, don't wash my hair, do a "day 2 do", put on as little make up as possible to get out the door as fast as possible and haven't been home since. And now, right after a gyno appointment, I am interviewed for tv! Vanity has never been a huge issue for me, but today was even a little much for me! None the less, I did the interview and I pray that people will hear the message and buy tickets so that we can get more and more foster homes for these kids! And if the "Church" is doing too much Mr. Terry at Memorial Christian Church, then I guess the WORLD will have to take up the slack?! Give me a break!!!!
So that was my day! Oh, I did forget to mention that at the end of the doctor visit, they gave me the bill for our part of the baby! That caused a mild - ok, I'm fibbing, a major panic attack about the financial part of another baby!
So right now, at 1 am on this last day of November, I listen to one of my seven snoring like a freight train, another one cooing in her sleep, and know the others are resting peacefully. Across the house, my poor husband who I know is probably just as overwhelmed with it all as I am sleeps. I sit here. I know that each of these lives is a blessing. I know without a doubt that God has called us to each and everything that we are doing, but I feel totally and completely overwhelmed! Overwhelmed that He would trust me with this much. Overwhelmed with the battles that I know we will fight each and every day for the children under our roof and those God is calling us to be the voice for who don't have a roof! I feel totally and completely unqualified and honestly a complete failure at the majority of what He has called me to do.
But those are all feelings! I will go to sleep now. I will rest and pray that God replaces the sleep I have once again lost as I needed time to just process it all. I will wake up again in the morning and start my day by digging into the Word for the Truth! I will not walk based on feelings! I will walk by faith and not by sight! I will trust the One who already gave His Son for me! I will not look a Savior in the face who after being beaten and spit upon and called names that crushed him STILL went to the cross for me and say, "I've had enough. I quit." I will not do it! Mr. Pastor, I challenge you to the same! Whatever your church is doing, I challenge you to do more! I may have 7 children under my roof, but as long as there is a child who did not get tucked into bed tonight by her mommy or daddy, I. AM. NOT. DOING. ENOUGH! As long as there is a widow who is cold tonight because she has no heat, I. AM. NOT. DOING. ENOUGH! It was a command, not a suggestion! And God says that I can do greater things than even John the Baptist who was the greatest at that time! I may feel overwhelmed, but the truth: I have overcome by the Blood of the Lamb! Bring it on Tuesday! I'm ready for ya!!!!
Friday, November 19, 2010
Meeting Princess M!
Today is the day! I can't believe it! In just a few short hours I will get to give that sweet girl a big bear hug!
John keeps asking me if I am nervous. Not. At. All! How awesome is that? What a faithful God we serve! You know from my original posts that this whole journey was me sitting back on my hind legs like a mule trying to be led! But when I finally started walking with God, He replaced every fear and doubt I had with excitement and love! Only He can do that!
God has also planted little ideas in my head as the weeks have passed. Can you believe it has only been weeks since we started this?! Another God thing! We bought Princess M a necklace that is a heart and says, "I Chose You". It was important to me that I leave something tangible with her when we left her after the visit to remind her that she is coming to our family and that we are thinking about her constantly as we wait for her to come permanently! God also reminded me of a book I have. Actually this is why I started calling her Princess M on the public forums where I can't use her real name. I bought a book a couple of years ago called "His Princess: Love Letters from Your King". It is a book of scripture based "letters" that God might write to us as His precious daughters. I want her to read how precious she is! I want her to be able to hear that until I am with her again to tell her! She is a Christian! How cool is that? She already has a passion for God and His ways. But from what we have been told it is a very legalistic "God will get you" view of God. This is our first step in teaching her of her loving Heavenly Father that is NOTHING like her earthly fathers who have rejected her.
The final thing we have done is what I am most excited about! Totally a God planted idea as I would never have come up with this on my own! We bought a suitcase. She will use the suitcase to come visit us next week for Thanksgiving, then to move her stuff here permanently when we get the ok! THEN....we are going to have a demolishing party and destroy that sucker!!! She will not have a need for a suitcase anymore because there will be no more moving from this family! I can't wait for that party!!!!
We will meet her about 4:00 today. Less than 12 hours! We have amazing friends and family who are keeping our children while we go on this journey today. When you can farm out 6 kids, you know you have amazing support in your life and people who are walking with you!!! THANK YOU!!!!
I have had so many thoughts as I have played out that first meeting. Meeting a 15 year old child is definitely different than meeting your newborn or 3 year old child! I want to be cool and hip! :) I don't want her to immediately think, "Holy, Cow! What am I getting into?!" They have told me she is into fashion....great! What do I wear?! Especially since the pregnancy hips have set in and my pants are already not fitting!
How do we introduce ourselves? Seems a little awkward to say, "Hello! I am your mother and this is your daddy!" I think we will just introduce ourselves as John and HollyAnn and tell her she can call us John and HollyAnn, Mom and Dad, Mother and Daddy, whatever she feels comfortable calling us....but assure her I will be calling her daughter!
What will we do for the time we have her? Watch a movie??? Well, that doesn't allow time to get to know each other. We have to go shopping at least a little for something for her to wear for our family picture next weekend. Maybe some games....we will have the hotel room for tonight and tomorrow morning. Lubbock has nice parks, so if the weather is nice, we could go to the park. We will just have to play it by ear..all I know is I want to soak in everything about her in the time I am with her! I am already mourning the 15 years I haven't had her! But through all the conversations I have had with the people in her life right now, the hand of God in her life, preparing her to be a part of our specific family, is so evident! And for that I am eternally grateful!
Please pray for her as she prepares to meet us. Pray that she can do her best to let us in after all she has been through. Pray for us that we have the right words and actions that speak love and security to her! Also, please pray that the placement director approves her placement with us as a foster to adopt placement. This has changed after she expressed a desire last week to stay with us after Thanksgiving and not go back. There have been some other developments with her foster home, and everyone feels that would be best. She was originally going to be placed with us as an adoptive placement, but that means all the adoption paperwork has to be completed...which hasn't even been started, I don't think! This way, she will be with us while the paperwork is being done. A MUCH better plan in this momma's eyes! If not, we know God is in control and she will be here when He is ready for her to be! Total peace! Amazing peace! I've never had this sort of peace with any of our other adoptions. Maybe I've actually matured a bit over these years! (she says with a wink!) One thing I do know is that God is teaching me to trust again! I can't say I am totally there, but I am well on my way!
I'll let you know how it goes! Before I leave, let me just say, if you have ever considered adopting through the state, don't consider it anymore, DO IT! There are a few kids short of 6,000 in Texas who are ready for adoption right now! That is just Texas! That does not include the other 49 states! These kids need us....these kids need God! Come on Body of Christ! We must take action! As someone who struggled through saying yes, I can assure you, He will calm all your fears and replace them with joy unspeakable....IF you will let Him!
Here we go! Let the journey begin.....
John keeps asking me if I am nervous. Not. At. All! How awesome is that? What a faithful God we serve! You know from my original posts that this whole journey was me sitting back on my hind legs like a mule trying to be led! But when I finally started walking with God, He replaced every fear and doubt I had with excitement and love! Only He can do that!
God has also planted little ideas in my head as the weeks have passed. Can you believe it has only been weeks since we started this?! Another God thing! We bought Princess M a necklace that is a heart and says, "I Chose You". It was important to me that I leave something tangible with her when we left her after the visit to remind her that she is coming to our family and that we are thinking about her constantly as we wait for her to come permanently! God also reminded me of a book I have. Actually this is why I started calling her Princess M on the public forums where I can't use her real name. I bought a book a couple of years ago called "His Princess: Love Letters from Your King". It is a book of scripture based "letters" that God might write to us as His precious daughters. I want her to read how precious she is! I want her to be able to hear that until I am with her again to tell her! She is a Christian! How cool is that? She already has a passion for God and His ways. But from what we have been told it is a very legalistic "God will get you" view of God. This is our first step in teaching her of her loving Heavenly Father that is NOTHING like her earthly fathers who have rejected her.
The final thing we have done is what I am most excited about! Totally a God planted idea as I would never have come up with this on my own! We bought a suitcase. She will use the suitcase to come visit us next week for Thanksgiving, then to move her stuff here permanently when we get the ok! THEN....we are going to have a demolishing party and destroy that sucker!!! She will not have a need for a suitcase anymore because there will be no more moving from this family! I can't wait for that party!!!!
We will meet her about 4:00 today. Less than 12 hours! We have amazing friends and family who are keeping our children while we go on this journey today. When you can farm out 6 kids, you know you have amazing support in your life and people who are walking with you!!! THANK YOU!!!!
I have had so many thoughts as I have played out that first meeting. Meeting a 15 year old child is definitely different than meeting your newborn or 3 year old child! I want to be cool and hip! :) I don't want her to immediately think, "Holy, Cow! What am I getting into?!" They have told me she is into fashion....great! What do I wear?! Especially since the pregnancy hips have set in and my pants are already not fitting!
How do we introduce ourselves? Seems a little awkward to say, "Hello! I am your mother and this is your daddy!" I think we will just introduce ourselves as John and HollyAnn and tell her she can call us John and HollyAnn, Mom and Dad, Mother and Daddy, whatever she feels comfortable calling us....but assure her I will be calling her daughter!
What will we do for the time we have her? Watch a movie??? Well, that doesn't allow time to get to know each other. We have to go shopping at least a little for something for her to wear for our family picture next weekend. Maybe some games....we will have the hotel room for tonight and tomorrow morning. Lubbock has nice parks, so if the weather is nice, we could go to the park. We will just have to play it by ear..all I know is I want to soak in everything about her in the time I am with her! I am already mourning the 15 years I haven't had her! But through all the conversations I have had with the people in her life right now, the hand of God in her life, preparing her to be a part of our specific family, is so evident! And for that I am eternally grateful!
Please pray for her as she prepares to meet us. Pray that she can do her best to let us in after all she has been through. Pray for us that we have the right words and actions that speak love and security to her! Also, please pray that the placement director approves her placement with us as a foster to adopt placement. This has changed after she expressed a desire last week to stay with us after Thanksgiving and not go back. There have been some other developments with her foster home, and everyone feels that would be best. She was originally going to be placed with us as an adoptive placement, but that means all the adoption paperwork has to be completed...which hasn't even been started, I don't think! This way, she will be with us while the paperwork is being done. A MUCH better plan in this momma's eyes! If not, we know God is in control and she will be here when He is ready for her to be! Total peace! Amazing peace! I've never had this sort of peace with any of our other adoptions. Maybe I've actually matured a bit over these years! (she says with a wink!) One thing I do know is that God is teaching me to trust again! I can't say I am totally there, but I am well on my way!
I'll let you know how it goes! Before I leave, let me just say, if you have ever considered adopting through the state, don't consider it anymore, DO IT! There are a few kids short of 6,000 in Texas who are ready for adoption right now! That is just Texas! That does not include the other 49 states! These kids need us....these kids need God! Come on Body of Christ! We must take action! As someone who struggled through saying yes, I can assure you, He will calm all your fears and replace them with joy unspeakable....IF you will let Him!
Here we go! Let the journey begin.....
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Princess M
Just an update on the adoption process of Princess M, the 15 year old we are adopting from the Texas CPS system. I have no talked to her social worker several times, her CASA worker as well as her counselor. Each time I talk to another person in her life, God brings more peace and more excitement! We are so excited about November 19 when we will get to meet her for the first time! All my anxiety is gone, and I just can't wait to give her a great big bear hug!
We have already gotten to know her through these ladies just a bit! Like one shared that she was nervous when she first heard we had picked a meeting date because she was so afraid that after we met her, we would not want her. If that doesn't break your heart, you don't have one! We have sent pictures of us so that she can get an idea of who we are...it's really hard to pick 6 or 8 pictures that show all family members and give a representation of who you are! I am sure I way over analyzed it (I have a habit of doing that, you know), but I sent a good variety that showed us, our home and hopefully a little of our quirky personality!
God has already started giving me tangible things to prepare for her. I bought a necklace that says, "I Chose You" stamped over and over on a heart with a disk with her name on it attached to the necklace. I wanted to give her something to leave with her and be a constant reminder that we are praying for her and waiting anxiously for her to come live with us permanently! God also said to go buy a suitcase. We will give it to her when we meet so she can pack her things in it to come visit us the week of Thanksgiving, then again when she moves for good! After she moves for good, we will have a suitcase demolition since she will no longer need a suitcase to move her belongings! Just a symbol that she is here to stay, no matter what! We believe in that fully! We know we are in uncharted watter for us and that there will be some really big waves at times, but we believe with all we are that when God places a child in our family, they are here to stay. PERIOD. Disruption is like Divorce...NOT. AN. OPTION. I want her to know that in every way possible so that she can just enjoy having a family!
The more I have heard about her, the more I rest in the fact that God hand-selected her for our family. Like I tell all my kids, I don't know why they weren't all born from my womb! I don't understand why God chooses adoption to place some kid in families and some he chooses birth. I know it has a whole lot to do with the fact that we live in a fallen world and nothing is as God intended when He created it! I also know that God's ways are not my ways and there is really no reason to try to figure out the "why"!
The 19th is coming fast! It will be here before we know it! But even so, it can't get here fast enough! I am ready to meat my daughter!!!
We have already gotten to know her through these ladies just a bit! Like one shared that she was nervous when she first heard we had picked a meeting date because she was so afraid that after we met her, we would not want her. If that doesn't break your heart, you don't have one! We have sent pictures of us so that she can get an idea of who we are...it's really hard to pick 6 or 8 pictures that show all family members and give a representation of who you are! I am sure I way over analyzed it (I have a habit of doing that, you know), but I sent a good variety that showed us, our home and hopefully a little of our quirky personality!
God has already started giving me tangible things to prepare for her. I bought a necklace that says, "I Chose You" stamped over and over on a heart with a disk with her name on it attached to the necklace. I wanted to give her something to leave with her and be a constant reminder that we are praying for her and waiting anxiously for her to come live with us permanently! God also said to go buy a suitcase. We will give it to her when we meet so she can pack her things in it to come visit us the week of Thanksgiving, then again when she moves for good! After she moves for good, we will have a suitcase demolition since she will no longer need a suitcase to move her belongings! Just a symbol that she is here to stay, no matter what! We believe in that fully! We know we are in uncharted watter for us and that there will be some really big waves at times, but we believe with all we are that when God places a child in our family, they are here to stay. PERIOD. Disruption is like Divorce...NOT. AN. OPTION. I want her to know that in every way possible so that she can just enjoy having a family!
The more I have heard about her, the more I rest in the fact that God hand-selected her for our family. Like I tell all my kids, I don't know why they weren't all born from my womb! I don't understand why God chooses adoption to place some kid in families and some he chooses birth. I know it has a whole lot to do with the fact that we live in a fallen world and nothing is as God intended when He created it! I also know that God's ways are not my ways and there is really no reason to try to figure out the "why"!
The 19th is coming fast! It will be here before we know it! But even so, it can't get here fast enough! I am ready to meat my daughter!!!
Pregnancy Update
I just can't find time to sit down and blog lately! Frustrates me as I would love to take all of you on the amazing journey we are on right now as we learn to trust God on a whole new level! I was thinking about our Christmas letters, and I will be introducing FOUR children to our friends and family this year!!! That is crazy! I can't believe that we have been blessed by four children since December of last year! No wonder I don't have time to blog! :)
We went for the sonogram last Wednesday. We could see the gestation sack which measured 6.5 weeks, but there was no heart beat yet. That is perfectly normal, but raised some fear and concern for me as we lost our first baby to a miscarriage, and that is how that pregnancy started - no heart beat. However, John has great peace about this baby, so I just chilled and have been pretty good to "not go there". We will go back tomorrow for another sono gram and will see that heart beat nice and strong! Oh, and there was only ONE gestational sack! So no twins...at least not from two eggs!
We went for the sonogram last Wednesday. We could see the gestation sack which measured 6.5 weeks, but there was no heart beat yet. That is perfectly normal, but raised some fear and concern for me as we lost our first baby to a miscarriage, and that is how that pregnancy started - no heart beat. However, John has great peace about this baby, so I just chilled and have been pretty good to "not go there". We will go back tomorrow for another sono gram and will see that heart beat nice and strong! Oh, and there was only ONE gestational sack! So no twins...at least not from two eggs!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Letters to my Baby
Dear Baby P,
In just a few hours, I will get my first glimpse of you. You will be just a beating heart in a sea of black. How fitting.
I did not plan you. Daddy did not plan you. But God planned you! Your days have already been ordained by God (Psalm 139:16). God sees you right now. He doesn't need the sonogram machine that I need to see you! He is knitting you together in my womb, forming you in the secret place - you are fearfully and wonderfully made! You are a gift from God! You are a reward! (Psalm 127:3)
As I sat and thought this evening about seeing your beating heart, I couldn't help but think of the significance of your heart. I will not be able to see your arms, your face - which when you are born is how I and those around us will recognize you - we will not be able to tell if you are a little boy or little girl. But we will see your heart. That, my Precious One is how God will always see you! The Lord will not look at your face even when it can be seen, he will always look at your heart (1 Sam 16:7). It's fitting that God would allow us to see the heart before we can see anything else of you! For from your heart flows the springs of life! My prayer already is that you will watch over your heart diligently (Psalm 4:23)! And until you are old enough to do that, I will watch over it for you...starting today! That little beat that I will see will remind me that I have a job to do as your mommy and it started the minute I knew you were growing in me.
The beat that I will see is where God will put the things He has for you so that you will chase after them (Ex 35:34). That beat represents the place where you will search for God and will find Him (Deut 5:29). It is where God will write the things He has for you each day as you commune with Him (Deut 6:5). It is from the heart that you will believe in Him and thus accept Him as your Lord (Romans 10:10). This little beat that I will see represents the treasure box where you, like Mary, will keep the things God reveals to you as you walk with him day by day (Luke 2:51). It is from this beating place that you will do the will of God (Eph 6:6).
God has a plan for you. It was because He needs you at this precise moment on the Kingdom calendar that you are being formed. It is why you being woven together even though Daddy and I had not even a thought of you. The plans and purposes God has for you have already been set my Precious Child. My prayer is that you will always be a man or woman after God's own heart. My prayer is that just as you will appear this afternoon - as a beating heart in a sea of darkness - you will appear always! A heart beating for God among the darkness of this world. When people look at you, they will see the light of Jesus shining through and know that they too need Him as their Savior!
Can't wait to meet you, Baby P! Until then, may God continue to form you and knit you together for His good purpose and will!
With all my love,
Mommy
In just a few hours, I will get my first glimpse of you. You will be just a beating heart in a sea of black. How fitting.
I did not plan you. Daddy did not plan you. But God planned you! Your days have already been ordained by God (Psalm 139:16). God sees you right now. He doesn't need the sonogram machine that I need to see you! He is knitting you together in my womb, forming you in the secret place - you are fearfully and wonderfully made! You are a gift from God! You are a reward! (Psalm 127:3)
As I sat and thought this evening about seeing your beating heart, I couldn't help but think of the significance of your heart. I will not be able to see your arms, your face - which when you are born is how I and those around us will recognize you - we will not be able to tell if you are a little boy or little girl. But we will see your heart. That, my Precious One is how God will always see you! The Lord will not look at your face even when it can be seen, he will always look at your heart (1 Sam 16:7). It's fitting that God would allow us to see the heart before we can see anything else of you! For from your heart flows the springs of life! My prayer already is that you will watch over your heart diligently (Psalm 4:23)! And until you are old enough to do that, I will watch over it for you...starting today! That little beat that I will see will remind me that I have a job to do as your mommy and it started the minute I knew you were growing in me.
The beat that I will see is where God will put the things He has for you so that you will chase after them (Ex 35:34). That beat represents the place where you will search for God and will find Him (Deut 5:29). It is where God will write the things He has for you each day as you commune with Him (Deut 6:5). It is from the heart that you will believe in Him and thus accept Him as your Lord (Romans 10:10). This little beat that I will see represents the treasure box where you, like Mary, will keep the things God reveals to you as you walk with him day by day (Luke 2:51). It is from this beating place that you will do the will of God (Eph 6:6).
God has a plan for you. It was because He needs you at this precise moment on the Kingdom calendar that you are being formed. It is why you being woven together even though Daddy and I had not even a thought of you. The plans and purposes God has for you have already been set my Precious Child. My prayer is that you will always be a man or woman after God's own heart. My prayer is that just as you will appear this afternoon - as a beating heart in a sea of darkness - you will appear always! A heart beating for God among the darkness of this world. When people look at you, they will see the light of Jesus shining through and know that they too need Him as their Savior!
Can't wait to meet you, Baby P! Until then, may God continue to form you and knit you together for His good purpose and will!
With all my love,
Mommy
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Double Whamy!
When God moves, He moves! I have been talking about a journey John and I have been on. After telling our families, I can share it with all of you! God placed a 15 year old girl who is relinquished and ready for adoption, but remains in the foster system because there was no family on our hearts! Callie found her! Callie fell in love with her. Callie is 10. She doesn't make the decisions for our family, but part of this journey has been God showing me that when He says come to him as a little child, He means it. Callie didn't analyze bringing a 15 year old into our home like John and I did. She just knew a girl needed a familyand she wanted a big sister and therefore it made sense that we provide this child a family. God has showed me that the unquestioning love that Callie looked at this situation with with are the same eyes He wants me to look at this with....and trust! Trust Him!
Long story short (althought this process has FLOWN compared to most matched adoptions), John and I will go to where Princess M lives on Nov 19 to meet her. We will spend the night and Satuday with her. Then we will go get her on Tuesday and bring her back home with us to spend Thanksgiving week! If she thinks she can handle our crazy family, then she will come to live with us as a part of our family sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Although, as you know from my previous posts, I have had some struggles in this journey, I can say without a doubt that I know 100% that this is God's plan! And more than that, I am sooooo excited! God has spoken to me directly and given tangible, real life wisdom through this process like none before.
To say that I have no fears or concerns about parenting a 15 year old whom I will meet for the first time in three weeks would be a lie. But with each fear comes a new opportunity to trust God! And the fact of the matter is, Princess M is worth it! She is worth whatever trials we have in order to make her a part of our family! God has redeemed her situation and we are just the ones who are blessed to be the agents by which He is doing it!
But that is NOT all! I said when God move, He moves!
I went to the doctor this week because many of my symptoms from before that had me run many tests were back with a vengance. The fatigue and foggy thinking were worse and were interfering with life. Well, turns out here is a really good reason for them this time!
Long story short (althought this process has FLOWN compared to most matched adoptions), John and I will go to where Princess M lives on Nov 19 to meet her. We will spend the night and Satuday with her. Then we will go get her on Tuesday and bring her back home with us to spend Thanksgiving week! If she thinks she can handle our crazy family, then she will come to live with us as a part of our family sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Although, as you know from my previous posts, I have had some struggles in this journey, I can say without a doubt that I know 100% that this is God's plan! And more than that, I am sooooo excited! God has spoken to me directly and given tangible, real life wisdom through this process like none before.
To say that I have no fears or concerns about parenting a 15 year old whom I will meet for the first time in three weeks would be a lie. But with each fear comes a new opportunity to trust God! And the fact of the matter is, Princess M is worth it! She is worth whatever trials we have in order to make her a part of our family! God has redeemed her situation and we are just the ones who are blessed to be the agents by which He is doing it!
But that is NOT all! I said when God move, He moves!
I went to the doctor this week because many of my symptoms from before that had me run many tests were back with a vengance. The fatigue and foggy thinking were worse and were interfering with life. Well, turns out here is a really good reason for them this time!
Yep! I'm pregnant! Just to save you the questions: NO!!!!! We were NOT trying! Yes, I was on birth control! This just confirms my belief that GOD and ONLY GOD ordains life! He says when it will be breathed into being! No pill or or any other "thing" will stop God when He wants a life to begin. I know that is a huge controversy, and I don't mean to stir it up here, but I LOVE that this life was planned and ordained by GOD and we can honestly way we had nothing to do with it...well, almost nothing! ;-)
Exciting times at the P-trees! Trusting God to take care of all He has called us to do! He is definitly stretching us, BUT he has already provided in miraculous ways just this weekend! So blessed to serve such a faithful and loving God!
Monday, October 25, 2010
God speaks, are we listening?
This past week has been a difficult and challenging one! Despite the much needed vacation the first part of the week! John and I were able to go on a retreat for his work without children for three days. It was a much needed mini-vacation!
We are still walking out this journey that I have been talking about. I get resolved that we are to continue, I even get excited about parts of it. Then something happens. My eyes look down - I lose focus of the Author and Perfecter of my faith - and I get scared! All the fears and doubts rush in and I become a basket case. All peace leaves. I stomp my foot on the ground and scream, "I'm not going to do it! I am not going to take on this task that has the potential to destroy me, my marriage, my family, etc, etc." (By the way, I don't really recommend stomping your foot at God and telling Him no! However, I do know that my God is big enough to handle it and likes it when I am real with Him...then He can deal with me!)
My struggle is internal. We had an AMAZING discussion last night at our small group about trust. We are doing a wonderful study at our church on trust. I will post the link for the pod casts. I highly recommend them if you want to go further with God. If you don't, then don't listen to them! There really should be a warning on them that says, "Warning: Will most likely rock your world if you listen and obey!"
Even though my struggle is internal, over the past week, I have externalized it. Let me explain. When something happened in my physical world that fed my doubts and fears, I would lash out at that thing/person. I will be apologizing to my family this evening for many times this past week that I was not kind! I am struggling with physical fatigue right now in a new and very frustrating way! How in the world will I do this thing God says to do when I am so tired now that I don't get the tasks completed that I need to today? He wants me to do more?!
Yes! He does! I realized in our small group discussion that this is once again a trust issue with me and God. I have been looking at it as I don't have the faith. We talked last night about the difference between faith and trust. We talked about that faith is the belief (Heb 11:1), but trust is the walking out of that belief! I prayed early on in this journey for God, the Author and Perfecter of my faith, to do some writing because I didn't have the faith to walk this road. He answered that prayer. He gave me the faith. So I said yes, and we continued. However, with each step in faith, I must trust more! There in lies the problem with externalizing my struggle! If I struggle with the people in my life feeling like they don't support me, then I am "trusting" in them to make this thing happen or work. If I struggle with the fatigue and how I will accomplish all that it will require, then I am trusting in my own physical strength. These are all misplaced trusts! God is calling me to trust Him and Him alone!
I thought I was past my trust issues. And I am...in some areas! Now God is stretching me further. He is asking me to trust Him even more! He is asking me to not look at circumstances, to not look at people, to not even look at myself except that I have willing heart, but to look at Him! To keep my eyes on the prize! Why is that so hard?!
Hebrews 11 has long been one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. God took me there this morning and then to chapter 12. I have thrown a fleece for this thing he has asked us to do. I have never thrown out a fleece in my life, but I felt I needed that much of a tangible to move on in this...when Gideon threw a fleece in Judges 6, it was because he lacked faith to believe what God was telling him. That was exactly where I was with God. God answered with affirmation that we were to move forward. So my faith was increased. I thought I was home free!
But as the day of fulfillment of this calling comes close and closer, I find it harder and harder to keep walking. That frustrates me with myself! But God is so gracious! I have prayed many times for him to confirm for me that his is what He wants us to do. Even after He answered the fleece throw! (Not exactly sure that is the right lingo for that!). But again this morning, my Heavenly Father, Abba, who loves me enough to take me to His word and confirm again this call He has given us, has greatly encouraged me. It is a crucial reminder that throughout this journey, I must keep my eyes on Him! I am so thankful that I serve a God who never gets tired of me asking for His confirmation as I take each step of this journey!
So for those reading this who wonder what in the world I mean when I say, "God speaks?" Let me explain with practical application to my conversation with God this morning.
I started by asking Him to encourage me in the walk before me today. I asked Him to confirm for me that the direction we are walking is His path. Then I started my Bible study that we are doing. This week it is on discipline, so there were a lot of references to Hebrews 12. After I finished the study, I felt I needed more of God's Word this morning...just Him...not a study that talked about the Word, but The Word itself speaking into me. So I went to Hebrews. I started in 11 because as I stated earlier, that has long been one of if not the favorite chapter!
As I read verse 6 - and without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder for hose who seek Him - God said, Stop. Listen. There was a stirring in my spirit as I read those words. I started thinking about the last part and realized that my old doubts about God's goodness that stem from Eden not coming home and a few other situations that made me doubt God's goodness have resurfaced and the enemy is using those to make me doubt this path God has me on. The enemy is sneaky! He gets in your head and places little bits of truth. Like - "yeah, God will walk with you, but will He make it easy?" And - "if it is too much, you can just tell God no - His grace will cover that". There are bits of truth in each of those statements, but there is also a big twist on that truth. As I read Hebrews 11:6, The Holy Spirit wrote it on my heart. He gave me peace as I read that God does reward those who seek Him. If I say yes, there will be a reward! That reward may not be here on earth, but there IS a reward! Get behind me satan!!!! One for the Heavenly Team!
Encouraged, I continue reading. As I read verses 15 & 16, again, I feel the Holy Spirit fill me with peace and a little bit of rebuke, so I stop. "And indeed if they had been thinking of that country from which they went out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God; for He has prepared a city for them." A question pops into my head - "are you looking back at the "city" you came from where you were enslaved to fear and doubts and mistrust of God? Don't you want to go to the city God has prepared for you - a better country?!" I had to answer, YES! But God didn't stop there! This is what makes me know that I know God is real! Words that were written 2000 years ago can speak to exactly where I am today! Out of all the pages and words in the Bible, God brought me right here, TODAY! As I asked for encouragement and confirmation! Only a Supernatural God could answer that request - maybe chance could make it happen once or twice in a lifetime, but this happens day after day after day as I spend time with God and dig into His word! I get to Hebrews 12:25 - See to it that you do not refuse Him who is speaking. - Doesn't get any plainer than that folks! I often say that I just wish God would send me a text or e-mail! Well, I think He did today! The text came via the service provider called The Holy Spirit and my "phone" was my Bible! It was as plain as if it were those letters were rolling across my phone screen! But He didn't' stop there! God knows I'm dense! He was going to make sure I didn't miss the point this morning! I finished out Hebrews and read chapter 13.
I have mentioned before in my posts about this path we are on right now that I have never felt more ill-equipped for anything He has called us to. I never felt equipped for the agency, but this is even bigger. The consequences of faliure far greater and much more personal. But once again, that is a trust issue...trusting in myself and not God. But does God get mad that I am not trusting? Not my loving Abba! Instead, he sent me another "text"! (Pun intended!) Hebrews 13:20-21 ~ "Now the God of Peace, who brought up from the dead the great Shepherd of the sheep through the blood of the eternal covenant, even Jesus our Lord, equip you in every good thing to do His will, working in us that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ..." Oh how I love God's word and the fact that the Holy Spirit resides in me to teach me truth! God will equip me! I don't have to be equipped right now! The God of peace will equip me...I can rest in peace in that! The same God whose power raised Jesus from the dead will equip me! If he can raise the dead, is there anything could happen on this earth that He could not handle and help me get through? NO!!!! I will daily fight the battle in my mind that tells me I can't do this - You have said I can through You! I will daily battle the thoughts that satan places that make me doubt God's goodness in this situation. I will hourly defeat the fear that rises up in me as I think of the practical day to day life this new path will put us on! How will I do that? By hiding these Words He has given me in my heart! By telling myself over and over that He will equip me! He told me so (Heb 13:20)! By telling satan I will not go back to the city from which I came that was filled with doubt and fear and mistrust! I will press forward to the new county that God has for me - the one flowing with milk and honey - and I will trust Him to take me there no matter who or what circumstances threaten to block my path (Heb 11:15-16)! I will not walk in a way that makes God ashamed, but instead, I will walk the path that makes God look at Jesus, jab him in the side with His Holy elbow and say, "That's my daughter!" as he grins from ear to ear!
Praise You, Father! How I love you! Let's get to walking!
We are still walking out this journey that I have been talking about. I get resolved that we are to continue, I even get excited about parts of it. Then something happens. My eyes look down - I lose focus of the Author and Perfecter of my faith - and I get scared! All the fears and doubts rush in and I become a basket case. All peace leaves. I stomp my foot on the ground and scream, "I'm not going to do it! I am not going to take on this task that has the potential to destroy me, my marriage, my family, etc, etc." (By the way, I don't really recommend stomping your foot at God and telling Him no! However, I do know that my God is big enough to handle it and likes it when I am real with Him...then He can deal with me!)
My struggle is internal. We had an AMAZING discussion last night at our small group about trust. We are doing a wonderful study at our church on trust. I will post the link for the pod casts. I highly recommend them if you want to go further with God. If you don't, then don't listen to them! There really should be a warning on them that says, "Warning: Will most likely rock your world if you listen and obey!"
Even though my struggle is internal, over the past week, I have externalized it. Let me explain. When something happened in my physical world that fed my doubts and fears, I would lash out at that thing/person. I will be apologizing to my family this evening for many times this past week that I was not kind! I am struggling with physical fatigue right now in a new and very frustrating way! How in the world will I do this thing God says to do when I am so tired now that I don't get the tasks completed that I need to today? He wants me to do more?!
Yes! He does! I realized in our small group discussion that this is once again a trust issue with me and God. I have been looking at it as I don't have the faith. We talked last night about the difference between faith and trust. We talked about that faith is the belief (Heb 11:1), but trust is the walking out of that belief! I prayed early on in this journey for God, the Author and Perfecter of my faith, to do some writing because I didn't have the faith to walk this road. He answered that prayer. He gave me the faith. So I said yes, and we continued. However, with each step in faith, I must trust more! There in lies the problem with externalizing my struggle! If I struggle with the people in my life feeling like they don't support me, then I am "trusting" in them to make this thing happen or work. If I struggle with the fatigue and how I will accomplish all that it will require, then I am trusting in my own physical strength. These are all misplaced trusts! God is calling me to trust Him and Him alone!
I thought I was past my trust issues. And I am...in some areas! Now God is stretching me further. He is asking me to trust Him even more! He is asking me to not look at circumstances, to not look at people, to not even look at myself except that I have willing heart, but to look at Him! To keep my eyes on the prize! Why is that so hard?!
Hebrews 11 has long been one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. God took me there this morning and then to chapter 12. I have thrown a fleece for this thing he has asked us to do. I have never thrown out a fleece in my life, but I felt I needed that much of a tangible to move on in this...when Gideon threw a fleece in Judges 6, it was because he lacked faith to believe what God was telling him. That was exactly where I was with God. God answered with affirmation that we were to move forward. So my faith was increased. I thought I was home free!
But as the day of fulfillment of this calling comes close and closer, I find it harder and harder to keep walking. That frustrates me with myself! But God is so gracious! I have prayed many times for him to confirm for me that his is what He wants us to do. Even after He answered the fleece throw! (Not exactly sure that is the right lingo for that!). But again this morning, my Heavenly Father, Abba, who loves me enough to take me to His word and confirm again this call He has given us, has greatly encouraged me. It is a crucial reminder that throughout this journey, I must keep my eyes on Him! I am so thankful that I serve a God who never gets tired of me asking for His confirmation as I take each step of this journey!
So for those reading this who wonder what in the world I mean when I say, "God speaks?" Let me explain with practical application to my conversation with God this morning.
I started by asking Him to encourage me in the walk before me today. I asked Him to confirm for me that the direction we are walking is His path. Then I started my Bible study that we are doing. This week it is on discipline, so there were a lot of references to Hebrews 12. After I finished the study, I felt I needed more of God's Word this morning...just Him...not a study that talked about the Word, but The Word itself speaking into me. So I went to Hebrews. I started in 11 because as I stated earlier, that has long been one of if not the favorite chapter!
As I read verse 6 - and without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder for hose who seek Him - God said, Stop. Listen. There was a stirring in my spirit as I read those words. I started thinking about the last part and realized that my old doubts about God's goodness that stem from Eden not coming home and a few other situations that made me doubt God's goodness have resurfaced and the enemy is using those to make me doubt this path God has me on. The enemy is sneaky! He gets in your head and places little bits of truth. Like - "yeah, God will walk with you, but will He make it easy?" And - "if it is too much, you can just tell God no - His grace will cover that". There are bits of truth in each of those statements, but there is also a big twist on that truth. As I read Hebrews 11:6, The Holy Spirit wrote it on my heart. He gave me peace as I read that God does reward those who seek Him. If I say yes, there will be a reward! That reward may not be here on earth, but there IS a reward! Get behind me satan!!!! One for the Heavenly Team!
Encouraged, I continue reading. As I read verses 15 & 16, again, I feel the Holy Spirit fill me with peace and a little bit of rebuke, so I stop. "And indeed if they had been thinking of that country from which they went out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God; for He has prepared a city for them." A question pops into my head - "are you looking back at the "city" you came from where you were enslaved to fear and doubts and mistrust of God? Don't you want to go to the city God has prepared for you - a better country?!" I had to answer, YES! But God didn't stop there! This is what makes me know that I know God is real! Words that were written 2000 years ago can speak to exactly where I am today! Out of all the pages and words in the Bible, God brought me right here, TODAY! As I asked for encouragement and confirmation! Only a Supernatural God could answer that request - maybe chance could make it happen once or twice in a lifetime, but this happens day after day after day as I spend time with God and dig into His word! I get to Hebrews 12:25 - See to it that you do not refuse Him who is speaking. - Doesn't get any plainer than that folks! I often say that I just wish God would send me a text or e-mail! Well, I think He did today! The text came via the service provider called The Holy Spirit and my "phone" was my Bible! It was as plain as if it were those letters were rolling across my phone screen! But He didn't' stop there! God knows I'm dense! He was going to make sure I didn't miss the point this morning! I finished out Hebrews and read chapter 13.
I have mentioned before in my posts about this path we are on right now that I have never felt more ill-equipped for anything He has called us to. I never felt equipped for the agency, but this is even bigger. The consequences of faliure far greater and much more personal. But once again, that is a trust issue...trusting in myself and not God. But does God get mad that I am not trusting? Not my loving Abba! Instead, he sent me another "text"! (Pun intended!) Hebrews 13:20-21 ~ "Now the God of Peace, who brought up from the dead the great Shepherd of the sheep through the blood of the eternal covenant, even Jesus our Lord, equip you in every good thing to do His will, working in us that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ..." Oh how I love God's word and the fact that the Holy Spirit resides in me to teach me truth! God will equip me! I don't have to be equipped right now! The God of peace will equip me...I can rest in peace in that! The same God whose power raised Jesus from the dead will equip me! If he can raise the dead, is there anything could happen on this earth that He could not handle and help me get through? NO!!!! I will daily fight the battle in my mind that tells me I can't do this - You have said I can through You! I will daily battle the thoughts that satan places that make me doubt God's goodness in this situation. I will hourly defeat the fear that rises up in me as I think of the practical day to day life this new path will put us on! How will I do that? By hiding these Words He has given me in my heart! By telling myself over and over that He will equip me! He told me so (Heb 13:20)! By telling satan I will not go back to the city from which I came that was filled with doubt and fear and mistrust! I will press forward to the new county that God has for me - the one flowing with milk and honey - and I will trust Him to take me there no matter who or what circumstances threaten to block my path (Heb 11:15-16)! I will not walk in a way that makes God ashamed, but instead, I will walk the path that makes God look at Jesus, jab him in the side with His Holy elbow and say, "That's my daughter!" as he grins from ear to ear!
Praise You, Father! How I love you! Let's get to walking!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
One More Step
Yesterday we took one more step in the journey John and I are on that is stretching us beyond where we've ever been. I talked a little about it here. Yesterday we got more information about the journey. But here is the thing about "information". It is circumstantial, meaning, it is what we can see with our eyes, aka sight. Remember that little verse that we like to throw around: walk by faith and not by sight. So gathering information sometimes seems futile to me. This is one of those times. I knew before we started the gathering that no matter what we found, God has already said to leap! Gathering the information only brought on a huge desire to walk in the flesh and not in the Spirit and ruuuuuunnnnnnnn the other way! I wish I could say I am mature enough to just rest, trust. To gather the information and it not shake my foundation or my faith. I'm not.
At one point, after I battled flesh over several "circumstances", I could feel myself losing the battle. I could feel defeat creeping in. I could feel myself wanting to just throw my hands up and say, "Forget it! There are few if any people I could tell all this to who would give counsel to proceed given all the circumstances! Why am I doing this?!" All the voices of well-meaning Christians were speaking in my ear: "you guys just love stress", "you must be avoiding real issues because you keep turning your life upside down with big things." Of course! That's it! Satan is trying to destroy us by tempting us to do this crazy thing! Let's stop now and pretend the past few weeks and events leading up to this little journey N.E.V.E.R happened!
Whew! Off the hook!
Not so fast! Holy Spirit floods me with all the scripture that speaks to the contrary! What person would have given "Godly" counsel to Abraham to continue with his plan to hall his son up a mountain, tie him to an alter and stab him with a knife? Especially the son who was to be the first of all Abraham's decendants that will out number the stars! If he's dead, he's not likely to produce! Yet that is exactly what God told him to do and because Abraham obeyed God, God blessed him and grew Abraham.
How many people made fun of Noah for building a boat when it had never rained?
How many people who hadn't been visited by the angel truly believed that Mary was pregnant by God's hand?
I know this is one of those times that God is telling me that the world will not understand....and that includes many of my brothers and sisters in Christ because in America, we have watered down the gospel in order to justify our comfortable lives. God couldn't be calling us to something that might stress our marriage or jeopardize the football career my 9 year old has?! Show me in scripture where that holds water?! Yet, isn't that how we live most days?
Even this morning, as I wake up, I am battling flesh. On one hand, I have the butterflies as I stand on the edge and look over the cliff at the leap I am about to take! I can get excited about the free fall....but then my eyes focus on the bottom...WAY...DOWN....THERE!
Then my heart stops! Then I start telling God this can't be what He wants from me. All my shortcomings start flooding my mind! I have never felt more ill equipped for any task than the one God is calling us to right now. I am scared. I am afraid I am taking more than I can handle!
And God says, "Yes, you are! You will ONLY handle this if you trust Me and walk with Me and lean on Me!" But then as I pray and meditate on all that is before me, I realize it will take more than just trusting God! It will take obedience! It will take growth! It will take walking in truth in areas where I tend to walk in flesh, areas that have been struggles for years. It will take being less selfish than I am now. It will take being more humble than I am now.
Trusting God to catch me in order to take the leap is just the first step! I must walk in obedience every second I want to soar. Stepping outside obedience will have major consequences. Some could even cause me to actually hit the ground! Trusting God to leap off the edge is the first step! I must do as the Holy Spirit leads and allow Him to grow me every day of this journey! And that is even scarier than taking the leap!
We have been walking toward the cliff. We are one step closer to the edge....we are close enough to look out over the edge and see the bottom and all the jagged rocks on the way down....but God is still telling us we are to leap, to trust....just a few more steps to go then we will be free falling....stay tuned!
At one point, after I battled flesh over several "circumstances", I could feel myself losing the battle. I could feel defeat creeping in. I could feel myself wanting to just throw my hands up and say, "Forget it! There are few if any people I could tell all this to who would give counsel to proceed given all the circumstances! Why am I doing this?!" All the voices of well-meaning Christians were speaking in my ear: "you guys just love stress", "you must be avoiding real issues because you keep turning your life upside down with big things." Of course! That's it! Satan is trying to destroy us by tempting us to do this crazy thing! Let's stop now and pretend the past few weeks and events leading up to this little journey N.E.V.E.R happened!
Whew! Off the hook!
Not so fast! Holy Spirit floods me with all the scripture that speaks to the contrary! What person would have given "Godly" counsel to Abraham to continue with his plan to hall his son up a mountain, tie him to an alter and stab him with a knife? Especially the son who was to be the first of all Abraham's decendants that will out number the stars! If he's dead, he's not likely to produce! Yet that is exactly what God told him to do and because Abraham obeyed God, God blessed him and grew Abraham.
How many people made fun of Noah for building a boat when it had never rained?
How many people who hadn't been visited by the angel truly believed that Mary was pregnant by God's hand?
I know this is one of those times that God is telling me that the world will not understand....and that includes many of my brothers and sisters in Christ because in America, we have watered down the gospel in order to justify our comfortable lives. God couldn't be calling us to something that might stress our marriage or jeopardize the football career my 9 year old has?! Show me in scripture where that holds water?! Yet, isn't that how we live most days?
Even this morning, as I wake up, I am battling flesh. On one hand, I have the butterflies as I stand on the edge and look over the cliff at the leap I am about to take! I can get excited about the free fall....but then my eyes focus on the bottom...WAY...DOWN....THERE!
Then my heart stops! Then I start telling God this can't be what He wants from me. All my shortcomings start flooding my mind! I have never felt more ill equipped for any task than the one God is calling us to right now. I am scared. I am afraid I am taking more than I can handle!
And God says, "Yes, you are! You will ONLY handle this if you trust Me and walk with Me and lean on Me!" But then as I pray and meditate on all that is before me, I realize it will take more than just trusting God! It will take obedience! It will take growth! It will take walking in truth in areas where I tend to walk in flesh, areas that have been struggles for years. It will take being less selfish than I am now. It will take being more humble than I am now.
Trusting God to catch me in order to take the leap is just the first step! I must walk in obedience every second I want to soar. Stepping outside obedience will have major consequences. Some could even cause me to actually hit the ground! Trusting God to leap off the edge is the first step! I must do as the Holy Spirit leads and allow Him to grow me every day of this journey! And that is even scarier than taking the leap!
We have been walking toward the cliff. We are one step closer to the edge....we are close enough to look out over the edge and see the bottom and all the jagged rocks on the way down....but God is still telling us we are to leap, to trust....just a few more steps to go then we will be free falling....stay tuned!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Was it really her?
I got a FB message yesterday.
It wasn't from an FB friend.
It was from someone who had found me.
It was from West Africa.
It was not from Liberia.
It was from Sierra Leone.
It said Eden was asking about me.
Really?
Is she really or are you just lying to me like so many from your land have done?
Did she really ask about me or are you scheming me?
If she really did, can I risk thinking she didn't?
If she really didn't, can I risk thinking she did?
Was in the car with John when I read it.
Asked what he thought.
He doubts it's her.
Wish I could leave it at that.
He asked what I thought.
What do I think?
I remember a little girl who bonded with her new mommy while the other two children who were with new mommies and daddies didn't bond at all.
I remember a little girl who broke loose from the man from her own country, the man who she knew well - she broke loose when she saw me from a distance and ran and jumped in my arms because I hadn't seen her since the night before.
I remember the little girl who was sick. Nearly a year to the day since we had buried her twin sister, Sweet Addy.
I remember that little girl not letting me put her down the last day I was with her.
She would go to no one else.
I remember the time came for me to board the helicopter.
I remember her not letting go.
I remember her starting to whimper.
I remember the whimper turning to a wail as they pried her fingers from the back of my neck.
I remember two hands with ten fingers spread wide reaching for me as I kissed her cheek and promised what I thought was a promise I would keep...I will be back in just a few days and we will go home together!
I remember running to the helicopter.
I remember looking through the tears to see hands still outstretched
I remember a mouth open in a scream, drowned by the whirl of the propellers.
I remember, does she really?
I responded.
I asked questions -
Questions to which I probably really don't want answers -
Questions whose answers I will really never know are true or more lies.
Was it really her? Is it God? He said she was coming home...that is why I fought. Of all that occurred over the course of that 2 year period, that is the remaining thing that haunts me.
I can see how Addy's death, all the heartache and bumps along the journey equipped and educated me to do what I did in Liberia -
But all that could have happened and produced the good God intended,
And she still could have come home.
But she didn't.
He said she would.
She didn't.
Will she?
Was it really her?
Monday, October 11, 2010
This Far
There seems to be a theme in my life, well I guess it should always be a them, so maybe a better thing to say is that God seems to be trying to teach me a truth about life in Him! I have said before that I know if I can do life on my own, I will. I hate that about my flesh, but I have seen me do it too many times to not recognize it.
People have asked so many times (and I have blogged about it previously) how I do what I do. It is ONLY through the power of Christ and the DAILY leaning on Him that I can parent six children, be wife to John and attempt to run a ministry. Anytime I get to a place that I feel like, "I can do this!", God says, "I know YOU can, so let's take another step of faith. I need you to TRUST ME, not do anything in your own strength!" John and I are at one of those places right now. I am not ready to make public the decision we are wrestling with, but let me just say that to me, it looks impossible! I have no idea how we would ever accomplish it without scarificing too much! I am usually the one initiating the crazy ideas and telling everyone, "WE CAN DO THIS!" This time, I am the one digging my heels in and saying, "No way!" I even uttered the words to John, "Even if God says we are to do ______, I think I will have to tell Him no." Dangerous place to be! Not one of my prouder moments! But I am scared! But God does not give us a Spirit of fear! So fear is not from Him. So when fear rears its head, I have to take it captive and make it obedient to God's word!
So what's the theme? It's what I am studying in my current Bible Study, Anointed, Transformed, and Redeemed. It is that God wants me to go so far that I have to say, I am only here because of God! I could never have gotten "here" without Him. And more importantly, other people will see the situation and say the same thing!
I go to church yesterday pretty well resolved that I am telling God, No! on this one. In case you have never tried to tell God No!, let me just tell you, He doesn't take NO! for an answer! During worship we sung one of my favorite songs, I don't know the title, but it starts out Jesus, the Most Beautiful Names of All Names...and then it goes to "Be Exalted". I am raising my hands and singing with my whole heart, "Be Exalted!" and the Holy Spirit says, "Do you mean it?!" Of course I do! I have no greater desire than to see God be exalted in my life and the life of my family! That is truly my motivation for why I do what I do! And immediately, the Spirit rebuked me and reminded me of my answer the night before. So I sat down and got out a piece of paper and wrote down, "God cannot be exalted unless we say yes to the things He asks us to do that takes us beyond ourselves. Anything I can do in my own strength is not exalting God but possibly myself." Then I wrote out how that applied directly to the situation that John and I have been praying about.
Well, little did I know that this was just the beginning! I knew the title of the sermon, but it went in a direction that I had not seen from the title! It was on redemption....but it was on how we, the Body of Christ are in the redemption business because God is in the redemption business. Pastor Daniel brought one of the best, and possibly THE best message I have heard as it applies to the Body of Christ and our responsibilities as such. One of the points was that redemption is costly. It cost God His Son! So why am I not willing to pay whatever price I need to redeem the situations or people around me? That is, after all, how the world will see Jesus in the Body!
John was out of town, so I was there with all the kids. I didn't have any responsibilities second service, so I found a place to sit and wrote out some thoughts on what we have been praying about. I said, YES! I am still battling fear. I have NO IDEA how this will work, but I know it will take God! There are still some things that need to happen in order for this thing to be a reality, but I know I will not stop the ball from rolling myself. If God doesn't want this thing to come to fruition, He will have to be the one to stop if. I am moving forward.
Even knowing that and having the revelation yesterday, I find myself this morning asking God for direction. I am sure He is slapping his head and saying, "Did I not give it to you yesterday?" Like I say to my kids so many times, "Were you not listening?!"
How many times does God give us answers, but because they are hard or maybe not what we want, we just keep asking for an answer? "That couldn't be you!" What do you REALLY want me to do here? Are we really willing to do what He says? That is the bottom line! Are we willing to pay the cost to see Him exalted and redeem those around us for the Kingdom? I want to be one who say, YES! to all of those!
People have asked so many times (and I have blogged about it previously) how I do what I do. It is ONLY through the power of Christ and the DAILY leaning on Him that I can parent six children, be wife to John and attempt to run a ministry. Anytime I get to a place that I feel like, "I can do this!", God says, "I know YOU can, so let's take another step of faith. I need you to TRUST ME, not do anything in your own strength!" John and I are at one of those places right now. I am not ready to make public the decision we are wrestling with, but let me just say that to me, it looks impossible! I have no idea how we would ever accomplish it without scarificing too much! I am usually the one initiating the crazy ideas and telling everyone, "WE CAN DO THIS!" This time, I am the one digging my heels in and saying, "No way!" I even uttered the words to John, "Even if God says we are to do ______, I think I will have to tell Him no." Dangerous place to be! Not one of my prouder moments! But I am scared! But God does not give us a Spirit of fear! So fear is not from Him. So when fear rears its head, I have to take it captive and make it obedient to God's word!
So what's the theme? It's what I am studying in my current Bible Study, Anointed, Transformed, and Redeemed. It is that God wants me to go so far that I have to say, I am only here because of God! I could never have gotten "here" without Him. And more importantly, other people will see the situation and say the same thing!
I go to church yesterday pretty well resolved that I am telling God, No! on this one. In case you have never tried to tell God No!, let me just tell you, He doesn't take NO! for an answer! During worship we sung one of my favorite songs, I don't know the title, but it starts out Jesus, the Most Beautiful Names of All Names...and then it goes to "Be Exalted". I am raising my hands and singing with my whole heart, "Be Exalted!" and the Holy Spirit says, "Do you mean it?!" Of course I do! I have no greater desire than to see God be exalted in my life and the life of my family! That is truly my motivation for why I do what I do! And immediately, the Spirit rebuked me and reminded me of my answer the night before. So I sat down and got out a piece of paper and wrote down, "God cannot be exalted unless we say yes to the things He asks us to do that takes us beyond ourselves. Anything I can do in my own strength is not exalting God but possibly myself." Then I wrote out how that applied directly to the situation that John and I have been praying about.
Well, little did I know that this was just the beginning! I knew the title of the sermon, but it went in a direction that I had not seen from the title! It was on redemption....but it was on how we, the Body of Christ are in the redemption business because God is in the redemption business. Pastor Daniel brought one of the best, and possibly THE best message I have heard as it applies to the Body of Christ and our responsibilities as such. One of the points was that redemption is costly. It cost God His Son! So why am I not willing to pay whatever price I need to redeem the situations or people around me? That is, after all, how the world will see Jesus in the Body!
John was out of town, so I was there with all the kids. I didn't have any responsibilities second service, so I found a place to sit and wrote out some thoughts on what we have been praying about. I said, YES! I am still battling fear. I have NO IDEA how this will work, but I know it will take God! There are still some things that need to happen in order for this thing to be a reality, but I know I will not stop the ball from rolling myself. If God doesn't want this thing to come to fruition, He will have to be the one to stop if. I am moving forward.
Even knowing that and having the revelation yesterday, I find myself this morning asking God for direction. I am sure He is slapping his head and saying, "Did I not give it to you yesterday?" Like I say to my kids so many times, "Were you not listening?!"
How many times does God give us answers, but because they are hard or maybe not what we want, we just keep asking for an answer? "That couldn't be you!" What do you REALLY want me to do here? Are we really willing to do what He says? That is the bottom line! Are we willing to pay the cost to see Him exalted and redeem those around us for the Kingdom? I want to be one who say, YES! to all of those!
Friday, October 1, 2010
Together For Adoption....Eden
I have now had two days of intense information and emotional overload! I'm pooped! But I am determined to get our domestic program off the ground so we can empty the foster system in Texas, and then the whole country of children waiting for permanent adoptive homes! So I am downstairs at my hotel, drinking coffee and writing policies. But in the interest of getting home tomorrow safely, without falling asleep at the wheel, I am wrapping it up and will head to bed.
Today was emotional on several levels. One really good thing was it is the first time I haven't come to one of these and felt like I need to do more! I am in a good place there. I feel like I am totally pouring myself out for orphan care. I am an adoptive mom, a foster mom, an agency director and I am working with my church to launch an orphan care and/or adoption ministry. I have some really good ideas to take back and start working with CPS and the judge to build relationships and make a difference in my community.
But there were two really big holes in my heart today.
First, as I walked around the exhibitors, my heart broke. There were sweet African faces everywhere! But as I looked at the information, I realized there was not a single organization supporting Liberia! In a group of amazing Christians working on the global orphan crisis, Liberia wasn't represented. Why? Because they won't let people help! At least not in large quantities. They will only let the people help who will play by their corrupt rules and their unhealthy games. Saddened me greatly as Liberia used to be the hot spot for Christian activity and aid in Africa. As I walked around there were many, many ministries and organizations helping the same African countries: Uganda, Ethiopia and Rwanda. You have to ask why? Well, because those countries are open to help and willing to work with organizations to receive that help! Liberia's loss....God bring down the leaders who have turned away the help! The people of Liberia want the help! Bring it back to them when these leaders have been humbled.
The other hole came out of nowhere! It was a shock to me. They showed an adoption video of the worship pastor. He adopted from Haiti and got his precious son the day of the earthquake when families had to sit and wait all night in the Haitian airport for ICE to clear them and give them their children to bring home. As he talked about that wait, my last moments with Eden flashed in my mind. While I think of her often (her pictures are all over our house), I don't think of that part often. Pain from a deep down place surfaced yet again. I don't guess I will ever completely heal from that. Much like a parent who has lost a child to death who has lived with them. And right after Eden, comes Addy! My two girls, my twinkling twins who I will never see together this side of heaven! My sweet girl who had to be ripped off my neck, the last image I have of her as she screamed and reached back for me as I ran to the helicopter. But even as the tears flowed, I rejoiced! Why? Because for the first time since I came home without my precious Eden, I could feel the pain but not be angry with God! Praise Him! I'm too tired to think of what all the really means right now, but I continued to worship and rejoice in the fact that I am at peace with God taking me through something so painful and am thankful for the growth it brought me in my calling but even more thankful for the growth it brought me in my spiritual life. I am thankful that I can rest in and rejoice in a sovereign God who took me on a journey that has led me to where I am now...and on top of it all, the mother of 6 kids!
As I stood with my hands raised singing my praises to my Abba, I realized for the first time, maybe ever, I trust! I trust my God with my life and even more importantly, with my heart! Hallelujah!
Today was emotional on several levels. One really good thing was it is the first time I haven't come to one of these and felt like I need to do more! I am in a good place there. I feel like I am totally pouring myself out for orphan care. I am an adoptive mom, a foster mom, an agency director and I am working with my church to launch an orphan care and/or adoption ministry. I have some really good ideas to take back and start working with CPS and the judge to build relationships and make a difference in my community.
But there were two really big holes in my heart today.
First, as I walked around the exhibitors, my heart broke. There were sweet African faces everywhere! But as I looked at the information, I realized there was not a single organization supporting Liberia! In a group of amazing Christians working on the global orphan crisis, Liberia wasn't represented. Why? Because they won't let people help! At least not in large quantities. They will only let the people help who will play by their corrupt rules and their unhealthy games. Saddened me greatly as Liberia used to be the hot spot for Christian activity and aid in Africa. As I walked around there were many, many ministries and organizations helping the same African countries: Uganda, Ethiopia and Rwanda. You have to ask why? Well, because those countries are open to help and willing to work with organizations to receive that help! Liberia's loss....God bring down the leaders who have turned away the help! The people of Liberia want the help! Bring it back to them when these leaders have been humbled.
The other hole came out of nowhere! It was a shock to me. They showed an adoption video of the worship pastor. He adopted from Haiti and got his precious son the day of the earthquake when families had to sit and wait all night in the Haitian airport for ICE to clear them and give them their children to bring home. As he talked about that wait, my last moments with Eden flashed in my mind. While I think of her often (her pictures are all over our house), I don't think of that part often. Pain from a deep down place surfaced yet again. I don't guess I will ever completely heal from that. Much like a parent who has lost a child to death who has lived with them. And right after Eden, comes Addy! My two girls, my twinkling twins who I will never see together this side of heaven! My sweet girl who had to be ripped off my neck, the last image I have of her as she screamed and reached back for me as I ran to the helicopter. But even as the tears flowed, I rejoiced! Why? Because for the first time since I came home without my precious Eden, I could feel the pain but not be angry with God! Praise Him! I'm too tired to think of what all the really means right now, but I continued to worship and rejoice in the fact that I am at peace with God taking me through something so painful and am thankful for the growth it brought me in my calling but even more thankful for the growth it brought me in my spiritual life. I am thankful that I can rest in and rejoice in a sovereign God who took me on a journey that has led me to where I am now...and on top of it all, the mother of 6 kids!
As I stood with my hands raised singing my praises to my Abba, I realized for the first time, maybe ever, I trust! I trust my God with my life and even more importantly, with my heart! Hallelujah!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Equipping the Called
I am in Austin, Texas for the Together for Adoption Conference. I have spent the day with Dr. Karyn Purvis, and I am here to tell you there is NOOOOOOO child who has been wounded toooooo deeply to be healed if we turn over enough rocks to find the tools...and with the power of the Holy Spirit! Can I tell you how my Spirit rejoiced when I heard a professional doctor say that! So many thing she said made common sense, why are more not saying it??!!! We need people studying under her to carry on this type of thinking in professional settings! I learned so much that I can't wait to get home and try on my own children, as well as so many things that have equipped me to better equip adoptive parents!
As I have thought about what I do and how people ask me all the time how I do it, this trip to Austin has brought back a memory that I think I just have to share. It is a humbling story. But speaks to the Truth that God will equip you to what He calls you to do! Being pre-equipped is not a pre-requisite. Let me explain!
Nearly six years ago, we lost Addy. God immediately called us to what has now become Addy's Hope. The ministry was birthed in a laundry room at a condo where we were staying the week in San Antonio, Texas. In the weeks to follow John and my laundry room conversation, God would throw doors open so we just kept walking through them. We did not have the slightest clue about how to run an adoption agency, a non-profit or a business. But we heard the voice of God, so we walked in obedience.
One of those steps was to go to Austin in order to attend an informational meeting in order to be licensed as a child placing agency. I was going to fly to Austin, meet two friends who were also working on getting a license, and fly home. I was terrified! I was a stay at home mom! I had no idea how to be in the "professional" world! Before being a stay at home mom, I was a teacher. That's just a little bit up the ladder, right? I mean few think of teachers as "real" professionals! Now I was going to be meeting with "big wigs" to see about becoming licensed. I got on line, looked up flights, called in, made my reservation, figured out how I was going to get to the meeting place, etc, etc. I layed down in bed that night sooooo proud of myself! I looked at John and said, "I did it!!! I made all the arrangements and I will arrive in Houston in enough time to get to the meeting." I sat straight up in the bed and threw my hand over my mouth! Got up and checked my reservation....sure enough! I had made my plane reservation for Houston and not Austin!!!! What little confidence I had mustered to start this journey was quickly depleted! But that would just be the first of M-A-N-Y episodes that God has used over the past 6 years to keep me humble in this journey! He reminds me that I need Him at every turn!
And today, that meant at every turn around too! On my way from the hotel to the church, I lost count of h ow many u-turns I did! I even called John to tell him that he would be laughing at me if he were here! Last night I did manage to make it to Austin by myself (at least I got the right city this time!), but the trip did include two u-turns and one small trip the wrong way down a one-way-road!
So if you are feeling called to something that you know you don't have the skill set to do right now, take that step of faith anyway! He will equip you! I am living proof of that!
Can't wait for the conference tomorrow! Down to download my brain of what I learned today to make room for tomorrow!
As I have thought about what I do and how people ask me all the time how I do it, this trip to Austin has brought back a memory that I think I just have to share. It is a humbling story. But speaks to the Truth that God will equip you to what He calls you to do! Being pre-equipped is not a pre-requisite. Let me explain!
Nearly six years ago, we lost Addy. God immediately called us to what has now become Addy's Hope. The ministry was birthed in a laundry room at a condo where we were staying the week in San Antonio, Texas. In the weeks to follow John and my laundry room conversation, God would throw doors open so we just kept walking through them. We did not have the slightest clue about how to run an adoption agency, a non-profit or a business. But we heard the voice of God, so we walked in obedience.
One of those steps was to go to Austin in order to attend an informational meeting in order to be licensed as a child placing agency. I was going to fly to Austin, meet two friends who were also working on getting a license, and fly home. I was terrified! I was a stay at home mom! I had no idea how to be in the "professional" world! Before being a stay at home mom, I was a teacher. That's just a little bit up the ladder, right? I mean few think of teachers as "real" professionals! Now I was going to be meeting with "big wigs" to see about becoming licensed. I got on line, looked up flights, called in, made my reservation, figured out how I was going to get to the meeting place, etc, etc. I layed down in bed that night sooooo proud of myself! I looked at John and said, "I did it!!! I made all the arrangements and I will arrive in Houston in enough time to get to the meeting." I sat straight up in the bed and threw my hand over my mouth! Got up and checked my reservation....sure enough! I had made my plane reservation for Houston and not Austin!!!! What little confidence I had mustered to start this journey was quickly depleted! But that would just be the first of M-A-N-Y episodes that God has used over the past 6 years to keep me humble in this journey! He reminds me that I need Him at every turn!
And today, that meant at every turn around too! On my way from the hotel to the church, I lost count of h ow many u-turns I did! I even called John to tell him that he would be laughing at me if he were here! Last night I did manage to make it to Austin by myself (at least I got the right city this time!), but the trip did include two u-turns and one small trip the wrong way down a one-way-road!
So if you are feeling called to something that you know you don't have the skill set to do right now, take that step of faith anyway! He will equip you! I am living proof of that!
Can't wait for the conference tomorrow! Down to download my brain of what I learned today to make room for tomorrow!
Friday, September 24, 2010
The Journey: AWOL & B-Man
Sorry I have been AWOL lately! You will notice a pattern that when we get a new child, I do that! That is because I am not a natural at this fostering, adding kids to the family, being organized thing! It takes me awhile! B-Man (referred to as Little Man in previous posts, but just can't leave that name after meeting the linebacker for the Cowboys in the 2030 season!!!) came three weeks ago today and for the first time, I am feeling like I m-i-g-h-t have a handle on my family. Well, that is probably stretching it! I have a few minutes to try to process what is going on in my life...and I have to process out loud, so you get to listen!
What I haven't been able to tell you is how amazing God is in his bringing B-Man to us! All my readers know that we were struggling with a car issue. Well, just three days before B-Man arrived, God blessed us with a car. One we can afford to pay-off anyway. We really wanted to pay cash for our next car, but we both felt strongly that this was a deal and blessing we could not pass up and that God was providing it for a larger purpose. So count them
>
Yep, that is a Suburban that seats NINE! John's first quote, "We are not getting this to fill it up with kids!" We'll see, Mister, we'll see! Just three days after we took possession of the car, B-Man came to us. So we are all able to ride in the same car as a family wherever we go. Now we just have to tighten the belt a little more and get it payed off. We are trusting God for that provision!
I shared with you, I think...forget sometimes what I put on Facebook and what I blog, but I think I shared about my vision of an afro sitting with his back to me playing with Baby Girl. I was sitting at the table in a restaraunt eating lunch with a new friend from the foster/adoption world when I go the call. They had an emergency placement for a full African American baby boy who is just a few months old. I teared up and said, "I'm going to say I think yes, but I have to talk to John first." So I call John who asks me what the situation is. I confess that I didn't ask ANY questions! So not like me! But when God has prepared you for a placement, you just K-N-O-W! I've been down this road! I knew this was a baby for our home. I called back and got what few details they had. John agreed to go forward, so I called back and said yes. Called John to tell him they would be there in just a couple of hours and to get the playpen out. He asked me what the babies name was - hadn't asked that either! He has an interesting name come to find out, but we just call him B-Man or Big-Man around here!
Why did I take him so blindly? God had prepared my heart! And get this! He had prepared Ava and Toben's hearts too! The night before he came, we were sitting at the dinner table and out of the blue, Toben says, "The baby boy is going to sleep in my room." John and I exchange glances across the table, and I say, "What baby boy?" Toben mater-of-factly states, "The baby boy we are getting." We kind of brushed it off (although this is the forth time since Toben has come home that he has made a statement that within 24 hours has come to pass!). The next morning, Ava comes into her room where John and I were talking and says, "Baby boy is going to sleep in my room." Again we ask, "What baby boy?" and for the second time from one of our children, "The baby boy we are getting."
The other not so great reason I knew we were getting a call....well, it hadn't been a great morning at the P-tree house! In fact, it had been one of those mornings when you ask yourself, "What in the heck am I doing thinking about adding another child, in fact, maybe we need to think about getting rid of some!" Ok, just kidding about that getting rid of some part! It crosses your mind at those times, but only for a split second! But adding another one? Are we nuts?! Don't answer that, people! In fact, I actually said to myself, we will probably get a call today since I am questioning whether I can do the 5 I have much less one more!
Three hours later, number 6 is on his way!
They were supposed to arrive at 3:00, but didn't get to the house until almost 11:45 that night. That is why the post the day he came about having time for questions and doubts to creep in!
It has been a crazy three weeks! Does adding a baby stress a home? YES! Does it stress a marriage? YES! Does it point out every weekness you have and every area that satan wants to attack? YES! In fact, I have had specific dreams that I knew were God urging me to fight spiritual battles that were occuring...I can only think of one other time I have had that happen. Many would say we shouldn't have taken him. Our current kids suffer. We aren't strong enough, prepared enough. There is not a concern that you can bring to me that I hadn't thought of myself or questioned since he came. But the bottom line, he needs a mommy and daddy to love him for this time in his life. Will we keep him forever, probably not. Would I love to? Y-E-S!! Y-E-S!! How will I let him go? I have NOOOOOOOO idea! But God told me early on with Baby Girl that I am not promised tomorrow with any of my children and yet I don't love them any less or keep my heart from them. Since that day, I have vowed to love all children in my home with all my heart. And for that I have to spend daily time in The Word filling myself with Him so that I can do that because my flesh cries out to protect my heart and go to an easier life!
When they see me out and about, people say, "You're amazing!" I laugh! I really am not! I wish you could all see how normal and ill-equiped outside God's power I am for this! I wish you could see it because then you would know that YOU can do this too! Or whatever it is that God is calling you to! If there is anything I know during the past three weeks it is if I am EVER living a life that doesn't require me to be daily on my knees just to get through the day, then I am probably not walking in all God has for me! He desires us to live a life of Supernatural power!
Once again, God has perfect timing in the study that he has me in! Thank you, Dear Liz, for calling me weeks ago when B-Man wasn't even a thought and inviting me to join you! God has used you mightily in my life! God knew those weeks ago that right now, I would need this study just to live my daily life! And to live it with joy!
So to explain what I mean about living a life daily on my knees and being filled with Him, I am going to leave you with a few quotes from Priscilla Shirer who is passionate about women being filled with the power of God in order to carry out all that He has for them! Be blessed today!
"When you have patience in your mothering, holiness in your singleness, gentleness in your response, contentment in your circumstances, and empowerment in the face of your challenges, you are experiencing the greatest miralce of all: God's presence appearing in your life."
"Those waiting on a life of continuous miracles as a sign of God's anointing will lead a frustrated existence as they try to manipulate God. On the contratry, the anointed life engages daily and normal activities in a supernatural way."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
