Darkness

I have shared before about my struggle with depression. I have had some times the last few months when I felt I was really headed out of the darkness...at one point, I even told John that I hadn't realized how much darkness had encompassed me until I began to come into the light. But most recently through multiple issues/events, I felt myself slipping back into the pit. Many authors describe depression well as a pit of darkness. As you begin to slip into depression it is as if you are clinging to the side of a slippery wall that you know as you fall will find you deep in the depths of darkness and despair that feels as if it will never end. Sometimes you feel like no matter what you do, your fingers can't grip the edge, your finger nails only make grooves as you slip further and further down. Depression is kind of like other things in life that if you haven't experienced it, you really can't understand it. I know for me, before depression hit my life, I didn't understand why people couldn't just pull themselves up by the boot straps and get happy. Now I understand why. But I also know that you can fight depression, you can fight to get back on top where the light is, or you can wallow in the pit and believe all the lies and stay in a state of despair.

I was reading I John this morning at the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Once again, I read a scripture that I have read many times and in fact have it underlined for a different reason...but this morning, it had all new meaning as the Holy Spirit spoke to me about depression and darkness. It was a hard lesson. It was a convicting lesson, but I believe it is a valuable one!

I John 1: 5-6 says, "This is the message we have heard from him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth."

OUCH! So for me to walk in darkness is to not practice truth and is a lie if I say I am in Him! And now, sharing this on a public forum, I have accountability because I can no longer plead ignorance! :)

I have always read "darkness" in this verse as sin, but as I read this morning, I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me that this applies to the darkness of depression also. Depression keeps me disabled. It keeps me paralyzed...which in a sense keeps me working for the enemy! As long as he can keep me paralyzed and walking in darkness, I am not effective for the kingdom.

I don't have this all figured out yet because I know in the past there have been days that I couldn't pull myself out of the darkness no matter how much I tried...even fighting the battles I believe that when you suffer from something like depression, it is vital to have prayer warriors who can pull you out when you can't climb out on your own. I have amazing friends that God will lay me on their heart when I need prayer. Twice in the last week, I have literally felt the prayers lift me out of darkness. One day, I came out of it, but yesterday, well, I made a choice, a bad choice, I stayed in the pit. I wish I understood all of this better to know why at those moments I choose to believe lies and stay in the pit! I know part of it is that I just get tired of fighting battles and when I give in to the pit, the battle stops. I'm sure it doesn't stop in the heavens, but for me, in my mind, it stops. I am sad, I am down, I am angry, but I am not battling. I fight so many battles in my ministry and my home that when the battles inside me start, sometimes I just lay down and let the enemy walk all over me.

I hate that about myself! I hate my weakness! When I read in Acts 21 where Paul's friends are telling him that if he continues on his journey, he will be bound and delivered to his enemies Paul responds, "What are you doing, weeping and breaking my heart? For I am ready not only to be bound, but even t die at Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus." Oh how I wish I had that maturity and dedication...that even when I KNOW I am going to suffer heartache and pain, I still walk strongly into what I am called to. And maybe I do actually...I think God gives me strength to do the hard things I need to do in the ministry he has given me both as a wife, mom and adoption/child relief advocate, but when the tough times come...the children act out, the husband doesn't meet my needs, the adoptive parents attack, the government puts a halt on adoptions, false accusations against me run rampant....that is when I slink back. I lose the strength. I let those things get to me instead of standing on TRUTH!

Oh I have so much to learn in this life! Today my prayer is that no matter what today brings, I will walk in The Light and bask in His goodness...because no matter what my day brings, He is good and He loves me more than I can ever imagine! And to believe anything else is to break the heart of the One who broke His body for me on the cross!

"Boldly"

I have been studying Acts for a few weeks now. Our church is actually doing a series on Acts, but I was studying it even before then.

I am LOVING it! It always amazes me how I can read scripture that I know I have read tens if not hundreds of times before, but new things just pop out at me! Got to love that Holy Spirit who makes God's Word so fresh to us over 2000 years later!

Well, the apostles fascinate me! I feel like I can so relate to their work right now in what I am doing in adoption work. God has drawn so many comparisons for me. It has been such an encouragement, and also a charge to keep on keeping on. I don't even pretend to be anywhere near the maturity or calling of the Apostles, but God has used them to speak into my life in my little bitty corner of the world.

A word that occurs over and over when Acts describes the Apostles teaching is "boldly". This word stuck out to me because I usually speak boldly when I speak. I always have. It is a character trait that God gave me that frankly I am not so fond of. It definitely brings much ridicule and persecution...sometimes warranted ridicule if I am out of line or speaking boldly with the wrong heart, but many times I am speaking boldly at the charge of the Holy Spirit and feel as if I am stoned (with words and actions) just as Paul in Acts 14:19 (he was speaking boldly in vs 3 right before that!). I have been told that I am too bold and that I need to handle things with adoptions more softly and tenderly. Well, that goes totally against what God and the Holy Spirit is leading me in right now. There was a time when I spoke softly and walked gently with Liberian officials. We have been working in Liberia for almost 5 years. This is the first time I have gotten this "bold" in my words and actions. It is time! I love Acts 14:3 because it holds the key to this boldness thing...."with reliance upon the Lord." That is the part that was missing in my younger days that I am learning to seek in my maturing state.

Since I felt like this word "boldly" was a bright flashing light of instruction to my soul every time I read it, I decided to look it up. It is used 6 times in Acts, and 9 times in the New Testament (that means 2/3 of the time it is used is in Acts...hmmm). according to Strong's it means to speak freely, freedom of speech, confidence! Yes! I just LOVE that! Oh how that is what I have felt God screaming to my soul! Every time I contact a government official whether here or there, I second guess my boldness- I hear the voices of the critics who think they know exactly how I need to handle this process and ridicule the boldness that I have or that I ask them to take, and I just feel God screaming, "GO my daughter! It is time for boldness! It is time for my glory to be seen by those willing to see it! Speak my words! Please me, not man! If I am for you, who can be against you? Be bold, be daring. You are speaking for the people of Liberia who have no voice. I have made you bold for just a time as this!" That gets my blood to pumpin'!

I looked it up in Webster. I got even more excited! Webster defines "bold" as fearless before danger, showing or requiring a fearless daring spirit, assured, confident, adventurous, free, standing out prominently. That is what we are called to be for God! We are called to stand out for Him. We are called to show a fearless daring spirit in the face of danger or ridicule because man can do NOTHING to us spiritually speaking. Yes they can hurt our feelings, and in China and other places of persecution, they even hurt and torture our bodies, but God still calls us to be fearless or daring in spirit! Even if you are not involved in some "big" issue, you are called to be daring and fearless in spirit. Have you shared your testimony of God's goodness in your life with a stranger lately? In today's society, even that can be bold and daring in the face of danger. Speaking the name of God in front of many of today's society will get you a lecture you never wanted or ridiculed in a way you never imagined! But we are still called to do it- be bold!

I think when you are involved in a "big" issue, it is easy to neglect the times to be "bold" in the day to day. I have shared about my new friend at my office. He comes in everyday now and visits for 15 or 20 minutes at a time. I will share more about him as his life is such a testimony of our societies need for a savior! But I haven't asked him about his relationship with God yet. I want to be sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit, as timing is crucial in talking to someone about Christ, but if the Holy Spirit nudged me to bring Him up, would I? I can tell a government official how the cow at the cabbage, but would I share with a dieing soul the only thing that will bring him comfort and peace here and on the other side of life? I pray I would, and you better believe I will be looking for the opportunity to be daring in spirit to share my Jesus with this hurting soul!

And for today...I am just loving that God's word is so fresh and waiting for Him to reveal His glory in adoptions in Liberia! I know it's coming! I don't know what it will look like and it may not be packaged the way we all think it will be .....odds are, it won't be! But when He comes and shines His glory, I am going to be ready and until that time I will speak BOLDLY to anyone I can in order for ALL possible to see His glory and worship Him because of it!

Ready for my day! Go God! :)

Church Blog

Our church, Mid-Cities is starting a blog to hopefully have lots of discussion on the study of Acts. I was supposed to blog June 28, but we will be in DC that week, so they switched me to today which made me the first blogger! A little nerve racking, but I love to start conversations about scripture, so it was fun! The hardest part was keeping it to 300 words...not just hard, impossible! So I went to 400! :)

If you want to follow and contribute to our study of Acts, go here!