The Next Faith Journey: The Things I remembered and the Things I Learned

I can't believe it has been two months since I have blogged! Usually my silence means one of two things: 1) I am swamped and too busy to sit down and write or 2)I am an emotional wreck and can't get my own thoughts together enough to put them down. Both of those things would be true of the last two months! I have been at the West Texas office the last three days and had a full day yesterday of simply being with my mom and RELAXING! So as I sit here in the quiet house with my coffee in my Christmas mug (Christmas is my favorite time of the year, but before this morning thinking about Christmas brought great anxiety!!), I am ready to process just a bit..

We are on day EIGHTY-THREE of this madness! From the day we started living out of suitcases to today has been 83 days....and I have now unpacked ONE box! Seriously! We moved our furniture into the house on day 64! Truly this has been the most difficult season of my life as far as complete and total chaos, stress, and learning to persevere! There are so many blog posts that could come from the last two months....but instead of writing the novel that could be written, I think I will just jot down a few of the lessons I have learned or been reminded of over these weeks.

1.  You can survive a week without a shower...but those around you might not. (The one who went a week without a shower will remain nameless to protect the stinky.)
2. As a mom you have to do things that make you want to throw up and tear your heart out, but you do them because they are the best thing for your children in the long run! And it makes you think about God and how He sees some of the things I do/don't do!
3. I am stronger than I think I am in some areas, but not as strong as those around me think I am in others.
4. A family of 10 is really expensive to feed without a kitchen.
5. You can cook with only one small knife, one sauce pan and one skillet..even for 10 people!
6. You can't survive tough times without a village. There were people who picked up kids when I couldn't make it to the school. There were people who took or picked up from practices when I just couldn't get there. And most importantly in the days when I could not even form a prayer to lift to heaven, there were warriors holding up my arms and praying for me! I never doubted God, I never felt mad at God, but from shear emotional and physical and spiritual exhaustion, I just couldn't pray. But they did. And through their prayers, I saw God move mountains and make provisions that left me in awe of my good, good, Father!
7. Free will stinks!
8. You CAN survive a move, remodel, emergency appendectomy hospital stay for one kid, a week long hospital stay for one kid all while living in two different houses with no family close enough to help. It's not pretty, but you can do it. 
9. A hug from a friend at just the right time will release a sea of tears and make you do the ugly cry right there in front of them! 
10. When you get bogged down in the process and forget all that God just brought you through (I HATE it when I act like an Israelite!), God will send a friend going through the exact same process he just took you through so that as you share all your faith and stories of miracles with your friend, you are encouraged in your own walk! 
11. Self care is vital! Stress will do bad/weird things to you...like make you itch all over!!! And without self care, it will eventually take you down.
12. Self care has to involve all three parts of your being: Spirit, body and soul!
13.  Dogs who run through the woods do get fleas. And fleas are very hard to get rid of. And just mentioning fleas makes me itch.
14. When one of your kids' counselors dismisses them to ask you how you are and you fall apart, it might be time to get your own counselor. 
15. You can hear God in the sound of the falling leaves and the chirping of the frogs and no matter what is going on in your life, in that moment there is peace.
16. You can't take junk into the promised land. You have to leave it behind...and that can mean war with the "giants".
17. Not all people keep their word. I hope the new owners of our old house enjoy my bedspring chandelier... :(
18. God makes provision for the things in your future that you don't yet know you need. Like an employee that it took three years to find, but was right on time for what we just went through. Without her, the agency would have crumbled over the last three months. God knew that and had her in place right when she needed to be. Satan better watch out! Monday morning we are both back in the saddle and ready to kick him in the teeth to redeem a generation of waiting kiddos in Texas! 
19. It took Caleb 40 years to see his promised land from the time he stood in faith and said that they could take down the enemy that the other spies said would never be defeated! FORTY YEARS! I guess I shouldn't be whining about 83 days! #perspective
20. Obedience to God does not always end in nice happy endings. Really, the Bible doesn't teach that. But somewhere in American Christianity that has become an expectation. But what obedience does is allow you to see God work in your life and teach you knew facets of His character as you experience them instead of just reading about them in the lives of other people! 
21. God's provision is limitless. Financially, emotionally, physically...there is so much that I can look at over this process and KNOW that while it has been the most trying thing I have done, God never left us, but provide again and again to give encouragement and the ability to keep walking in the direction He told us to go! 
22. Finally, I have learned that I want to always choose obedience over safety. I can't say that in the really hard days! But on a day like today where I have had rest and am sitting at my mom's house where it is quiet with my coffee in my Christmas mug, I can say that the lessons learned and the ability to see new facets of God's character are worth the struggles! And just like Him, he reminded me this weekend two different times that despite what we have been through, if I will cling to Him, He will bring me through! I had seriously felt like I had lost all my joy. I wasn't sure I would get it back. The last 83 days have taken everything I have on all levels. The enemy has lied and tried daily to steal, kill and destroy all the promises God has given about the move. While I have known I made it through (really, what choice did I have), I felt like I would never be the same! But this weekend I had a stranger tell she loved how positive and happy I am. Then a friend I ran into that I had not seen in probably 10 years said, "You look exactly the same! You still have your sparkle in your eye!" Neither one of these people knew I feared that my sparkle and my joy were gone forever, but God knew! And he used the words of these two to encourage me and silence the lies of the enemy! Oh how I love Him! 

So that's it in a nutshell! There really is so much more! But I have to get my suitcases packed to head home! You know I have made a comitment to be transparent on here. So in keeping with that commitment, I will share that as I woke up this morning, anxiety and the overhelming fear of returning home stated to take over. I am one of those that becomes paralyzed when I am overwhelmed. It is a weapon the enemy has used all of my life! But I refuse to let him win today. So if I come to mind, I would love your prayers for those feelings to bow a knee and alow me to hit the floor running when I get home! Love on my kids and then unpack a few boxes! Thank you all for taking this journey with me! It has been amazing to hear your stories and know that sharing some of mine has encouraged you in yours as you have in mine! 

The Next Faith Journey: He's no crystal ball....

So we are still on our faith journey to our promised land. It feels like our journey has hit a great big brick wall, but we are believing by faith that the wall will crumble! So we are pressing on!

I said from the beginning that I wanted to take this journey well...to not focus on the outcome but on the daily walk. I can say that some days, I have done a really good job at that. The last week has not been one of those days.

Our house is showing almost daily. That sounds like a great thing...and ultimately it is. But when you consider there are 10 people living in our home with 4 of them being small humans, keeping a house show ready is exhausting! I found myself crying out to God to please just tell me when the house would sell! His response was epic! He was gentle. I could picture Him sitting on His throne in all his glory, shaking his head with a huge smile and a belly laugh while he said, "HollyAnn! I am not a crystal ball!" Ouch! But he didn't stop there! He went on to remind me that he is not a crystal ball because he is relational! He knows if he would just say on June 12, a couple will look at your house and offer you $xxxxx for it, that I would say thank you and then go about my days in my self-reliant and human nature way! I would check that off as "done!" and truck along. But that is not what God wants. He wants me trusting Him. He wants me resting in His promise. He wants me using those promises and those times with Him to war against the doubt and lies and hopelessness that the enemy uses to rob my joy in the journey. I know this journey is training ground!

So I have had the "I am not a crystal ball" rolling around in my head for a few days. But every day that goes without an offer is an arrow the enemy throws at my weak places. I had to take an unexpected trip back to West Texas this weekend. Everything about the trip was a disaster. I was standing on faith for another area, and again, it didn't work as I had thought or prayed it would. Discouraged didn't even begin to describe my state of being. I was desperately trying to hold to Truths....desperately trying to not waiver or be double minded. And yet, I could feel the water from the waves of the storm I was riding starting to come into the boat....

On the plane ride home, I put on my headphones, cranked up the worship music and cried out to God! I love flying! While I know it is super silly and theologically unsound, I just feel closer to God in a plane! I love looking down on the earth below and imagining what God sees yet He singles me out of ALL of that and speaks so clearly and personally. It really makes a gal feel special! Yesterday was no different. As I looked down on all the landscape and thought about our house as well as the situation I had just left, God pointed out this section of trees. It looks like a path had been cut through the trees. God began to speak about the path and our journey of faith. You see if I was at that first bend in the path, I would not be able to see the end because of the curves and turns in the path as well as the trees blocking my view. Even if I had been told that end is there and it is 2.7 miles from you, I would not know where exactly the end was because of the turns and twists in the path. I would need the clear path to direct me. God reminded me that He is the cleared path! Just like I can look down and see the entire path from the plane, He can see my journey just the same! But a person standing at the first curve of the path would not be able to see what I see and might doubt whether the path really had an end or not. He reminded me that my time with him each morning would be what would show me where to step...and as I took that step, a new section of the cleared path would be visible just as it would be for a person walking this path I was looking at. But they would have to trust that by following the cleared sections, they would get where they wanted to go. And I would have to do the same with God!

Then He had one more nugget of truth for me in the path. Don't stop! If a person were to get frustrated at the first or second or third turn because they couldn't see the end yet, and they sat down in their frustration, they would never reach the end! God knew in my heart I was sitting down on our journey. I was weary and tired and just wanted to be at the end. So I sat down. He gave me that gentle nudge to get back on my feet and keep walking because the end is there...just as clearly as I could see the end of the path I was looking at!

So I came home ready to keep the faith! I want to hold His hand and walk this journey trusting, listening and developing even more intimacy with the One who knows the end at the beginning as we journey through the turns! I want to come out on the other side of this closer to Him than when I started. So I am walking on, and He is teaching me much about myself as we walk!

The Next Faith Journey: In the Crosshairs of Satan

It would seem that as soon as I hit send on that last blog post, satan decided to sift us like wheat! What I hadn't shared because I was waiting for that really cool blog post to reveal it, ha!, was that things were progressing with our offer on the Austin Stone house. They had already verbally accepted out offer. We are just working out the details of the contract. It is an estate, so things are moving a little more slowly than they would traditionally, but still, things are moving! AND we had an offer on our house that was what we needed! It had not even hit MLS yet, and we are listing it ourselves. So everything (read circumstances) seemed to be lining up exactly with what we felt God was calling us to do! Then yesterday.

While I was taking kids to school, John calls me. The realtor for the couple buying our house, the ones who LOVE your home and really want it, had sent an email saying that they were withdrawing their offer. "Their plans had changed." And there was the first crack in the foundation I was standing on by faith.

Really, I did ok with that news. I was disappointed, but I just vocalized what I know to be true...God is still good, and God is still faithful! I did have to guard my thoughts carefully because there was a run away train of doubt and confusion and bitterness that wanted to start itself up, but I was determined to shut it down with the Truths I know about the God that I believe has called us to this journey!

To add to this day, John was leaving to go to Michigan for five days! Oh, and did I mention this is our last week of school?! So all you mommas know what that means for my week! I had traveled for work all last week (four straight days!!!!) leaving John to get the last of the house ready to show and care for all the kids. We were literally together less than two full days, and now he was leaving again. We have not been together more than four days straight in weeks! That is definitely taking its toll as our house is a bit difficult to operate as a single parent, not to mention not having your soul mate here to process with in person. I felt the wheels of the train turn just a bit.

John and I spent the day doing the, "what are you thinking" game. He had wifi on his plane, so we were messaging back and forth. I think we both started the day pretty strong. One message I got back from John was a reminder that we are taking our promised land, and satan is not going to let that happen without a fight. But as the day went on, I think we both at some point took our eyes off of the prize and put it on the problem. I was at a women's conference a few weeks ago. One of the sessions was on circling your promise and not your problem! It was a great lesson that God has brought to mind MULTIPLE times since then....and this morning as I talk to Him, he reminded me again. I definitely think we circled our problem yesterday! That's what fuels that run away train!

We had a showing yesterday morning, so that brought a little encouragement. But the hits kept coming. You see, satan don't play when it comes to keeping you off your promised land. The kids came home from school. One of them had an occurrence that really made moving a reality with regard to friends. It was the child that while there is a really strong reason to move for this child, and probably one of our biggest motivators to move, I also worry about the effects of the move on this child the most. As I watched my child process that pain, the run away train started down the hill.

To top off our fabulous (insert eye roll) day, I had a call from a realtor that wanted to pre-view the house yesterday. I had asked her to come while the kids were at school, but she asked to come at 5:30. I agreed as long as she understood that the children would be in the house. I am happy to take them somewhere and all leave for a family to view the house, but for a realtor preview (that is probably just someone wanting to talk us into listing with them), we just keep the children confined to one area. And y'all who know my children know exactly how easy that is! (insert eye roll again!) So I had littles eating popcorn praying they wouldn't spill it watching a movie in the media room. The big kids were scattered throughout the house ready for the "go" to gather in the living room. 5:30 came and went. Then 5:45, then 6. She never showed up! Ugh! The train picked up speed!

As I drove to pick up 1/2 price burgers from Sonic since cooking is impossible while keeping your kitchen spotless waiting on a realtor who never shows, so many thoughts were going through my mind. Are we doing the right thing? Our house may never sell. What if we have to come off our price so much that it puts us in financial strains? What if we don't have the money to do what needs to be done on the new house? What if we don't put up a fence fast enough and one of the toddlers drowns in the pond at the Austin Stone House? And just like that the enemy had fueled the run away train of thoughts that now sped widely down the hill of our promise! As I drove, I heard a voice say "Is that fear you feel?" Sure enough it was! I had let my thoughts get to a place where my disappointment had turned to fear. And this is what I know...fear is NEVER from God! Not that kind of fear. Not the irrational, stomach in knots because you are thinking about what "could happen" fear. That was my wake up call!

I was messaging with John, and he said it best. He sent me a message that said, "I just feel like we are in the crosshairs of satan and I just need God to show up!" To add to John's day, their plane had been rerouted from Chicago after circling for an hour due to bad weather. So they had to fly to Indiana to refuel, then back to Chicago. They missed their connecting flight so they had to rent cars and drive the last leg of their trip which was about 3 hours. So by the time he go to his hotel, he had been traveling for 13 hours! His day was worse than mine!

But as I realized my mind had taken off with the enemy's lies, I thought of John's message and I got angry! We might just be in the crosshairs of satan, but his is what I know. Any weapon satan has to use against me, the Word of God and the Body of Christ can deflect! So he can set his crosshairs on me, it doesn't mean he wins! That has already been settled. We win! The end has been written! So I just pulled out my Sword and put my crosshairs right back on him!

One of my dearest friends is actually in the process of moving also. They are trying to buy a house in this market which is crazy because in their price range, houses are getting multiple offers in hours and selling for over asking price. So they too have had quite the journey! It has been such an amazing God provision though. My friend is an amazing warrior in the kingdom and is most definitely a glass half full gal! So she has encouraged and challenged me in this journey to stay positive and focus on what I know about God just by listening to her do the same in her own circumstances. It has been iron sharpening iron lived out this week! That is why walking alone is not possible in this Christian life and why the Body of Christ is so important...but that is a whole other post for another time!

As I talked to Liz, God reminded me of the story of the twelve spies that were sent into the Promised Land before the Israelites crossed over. Ten of those spies came back and reported the circumstances...big giants that they could never defeat on their own...but Joshua and Caleb reported what God had said! They didn't deny that there were giants, they just reminded the crowd that God said he would hand their enemies over to them as they crossed over their territory into the land God had promised to give the Israelites! I wan to be like Caleb and Joshua.

Yesterday the circumstances overcame me. I focused on the things my eyes could see. As a Christ Follower, I am called to view those circumstances from my heavenly seat next to Christ at the right hand of God! And when I look from that view, I see the Promise and not the problem!

So this morning, I am committed to focus on the promise! We have a showing at 8:45, so the morning is already coming into line with God's promise! And when I get home...I think I will pack a couple of boxes as my "shield of faith" to remind the enemy that we ARE moving and to deflect those arrows he keeps trying to shoot through his crosshairs!