Unfulfilled Dreams

John and I are doing an amazing marriage class called Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy Evans. One of the discussion questions was "What unfulfilled dreams do you have for yourself? Do you believe these dreams represent God's desire for you?" Normally, I would think this would take a while for me to think about, but this morning I wrote down three immediately. If you knew the internal battle over the past two to three weeks, you would know how divinely inspired my answer is! So this is what I wrote down:

1. My masters in counseling
2. licensed domestic adoption agency
3. speaker/author
4. maternity home

Now here's the catch. With my thought patterns and actions over the past two to three weeks, I will NEVER attain any of these! Why? Well because all of these will take divine power, strength and wisdom to obtain while being wife to John and mother to 7 children. It will take believing that God knows more than I do! It will take understanding that He has a plan that doesn't look like mine. I've never had "career" goals! My career plan was get married and have babies. PERIOD! Goal accomplished, right?! Well, somewhere along the way, God started twitching that plan. And I still struggle with it. When all children are grown, I would have no problem pursuing these dreams. However, God repeatedly tells me, that some of them are for now. I just don't see how that is possible! But He knows. I have to trust Him. I have to obey Him. For He honors obedience over sacrifice. So the answer to the second part of that question is most definitly YES! They are divinly inspired as I still can't wrap my head around them truly being possible, and I am a safe "dreamer", only God would put anything in my head that is above what "I" can do! That way HE gets the glory!

The last two weeks have been full of thoughts that nothing God promises comes to pass. It's been a time of doubt, crisis of faith, wondering what the future holds. Lots of fear. Since God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and self-discipline, I have no doubt where, or who these thoughts were coming from! But even knowing that, I couldn't shake it. For whatever reason, this morning, I have more clarity of thought!

Over the past two weeks as I have struggled with faith, belief, trust, obedience (the list goes on and on), there has been a consistent voice saying, "It is all to get you off track. The enemy is deceiving. As long as you believe, you will be defeated. You cannot accomplish all I have for you with these thoughts." This morning, as I actually wrote down the unfulfilled dreams that I have, all that there is to lose became amazingly clear. The stakes are too high! I must overcome the doubts and lies! My family and those God will put in my path depend on it. Not to mention, wrestling with lies and doubt are a pretty miserable existence!

Excited to go to church this morning and worship and praise!!!! Have so much to praise Him for this morning! Stay tuned...I think this wild ride called life is about to be turned up a notch!!!!

God's Economy again!

Had a VERY humbling lesson today! My struggle with God's promises is back. Just had some hard times that makes it difficult to hang onto Truth. Wish I wasn't so quick to believe the lies of the enemy over God's Word, but for some reason I am. One of the areas that we, John and I, have really worked on as far as trusting God and believing His promises is in money. In the last year we added two children and a pregnancy and lost a salary. So money is tight at times. We have to get pretty creative for just about anything above and beyond the basic needs that we want to have. Of course, we are still wealthier than 90% of the world! I totally understand that after working intently in Liberia for 5 years. But when you live in America and have the American mentality around you and have to look at what the Jones' have every day, it is hard to not get caught up in it...at least it is for me!

I can tell you many stories of God's provision. And actually, money is not my biggest struggle for trusting God, but eventually, as I continue down a path of doubt or mis-trust, money will become an issue. I was brought up tithing. I understand the concept that it is God's and he is only asking for 10%. John and I have always meant to tithe, but have gone through seasons where we didn't simply because we weren't disciplined to take it out FIRST and by the time we got to write the check the money was gone.

Well, we have been very committed to our tithe and then some, just really trying to walk in obedience and generosity lately. When we were struggling with the discipline, God really impressed John with Malachi 3 that promises God will rebuke the devourer for us when we are faithful to give Him what He asks for. We have had many illnesses in our home this winter which means lots of doctor bills and medicine expenses on top of the pregnancy. Three of the kids and John have had to have dental work done. Then this week, our slab sprung a leak! We are on day three with no water except to turn it on to bathe and wash dishes. We have a VERY high deductible, so we will be coming up with that money.

Over lunch, John and I were both talking about how hard it is to believe God for His promises when circumstances truly point to the opposite! I haven't worried about the money part so much, but there are MANY other promises that I have just laughed at God over for the past couple of weeks! His promises just seem a world away right now in just about every aspect of life!

John was talking specifically about being ready for the last half of the tithe promise to be evident and we can know that the devourer has been kept at bay by our obedience in our finances.

I literally was walking in the back door from that conversation when Ava yells, "Someone is here!" It was a dear friend of mine who was bringing crib sheets that I am collecting for some moms in San Angelo. But before she left, she handed me $100 and said, "God told me to give you $100. I don't know what it is for, but I want to walk in obedience." Now, this friend has had just as many struggles as we have! In fact, we have talked the past couple of weeks about how much our lives are paralleling right now in the area of tests! So the fact that she would be handing me this money made it all the more humbling!

Of course, in tears, I call John and tell him what just happened. It was a tangible hand of God saying, "I hear you! Hang on! Trust me! I am in control! I will bring my promises to fruition! Don't doubt!" My spirits lifted and hope resides in me for the first time in weeks. Not just about money, but about all my areas of doubt! I LOVE that God loves us enough to show up very tangibly through an obedient friend when I'm pouting and refuse to listen. If I don't stop to spend time with Him, He'll just show up at my door step! That doesn't happen all the time, trust me, so when it does, I have to take notice! And believe me, I AM LISTENING now!!! Thank you, God, for sending me hope through a friend who was Jesus with skin on today! And thank you Friend, for walking in obedience! You have helped set my mind back where it needs to be!

The Big Girls' Room

Callie's Bed

We had to do some bed switching when Isabella came to live with us. But since she came in the middle of the holidays....and when I was at half commission with the pregnancy, it has taken us until now to get their room done! But it was worth the wait! The girls love the room....and she, especially, I think appreciates it more now because she had to live in the "ghetto" room as they called it for a few months! So here it is!

The Frame Wall!

Isabella's Bed

The Sitting Area




The beds "before"

The Journey: Loving the Hurt While You're Hurt

It has been a rough three weeks. The honeymoon is most definitely over! For all of us! Isabella is still doing amazing! Truly, when I stop and think where we could be, I know we are blessed beyond measure. But even with that, It. Is. HARD!

This past week, my biggest struggle is learning how to love the hurt through my own hurts. Just this morning, as I prayed and begged God from relief from the battles, He revealed to me that my struggle right now is in having to love a child unconditionally through my human heart that is hurting over my own wounds. I am so thankful that God's love is not mine! I am so thankful that He loves me with a love only He can give! Our amazing Pastor is actually doing a sermon series on that right now, but we missed this Sunday because Ava was sick. Can't wait to catch it on the website and can't wait to hear this weeks! While I am thankful for the love God gives me, I am realizing more and more how flawed the love I offer my children is.

Over the past three weeks, I have felt myself pulling back from my children...all of them. Not just "the adopted ones", but all of them. I have become more and more overwhelmed with the demands of loving, training and guiding six children. I have entertained the idea many times over the past few weeks that the critics were right, and we have too many kids. Then days like yesterday happen when I realize I have missed soccer sign-ups and baseball sign ups. We didn't know about a parent meeting at honors choir, so couldn't stay because one parent was home with 3 kids + a sleeping baby and the 6th child had to be picked up from track before the parent meeting would be over. I just kept thinking, "if we didn't have this many kids, we wouldn't have this problem right now." Monday Noah was walking in front of me and I looked down to see his ankle above his socks above his shoe. This means his pants are WAY too short! Over night, the kid has outgrown his pants...AGAIN! Immediately, I hear a voice say, "Now you LOOK like a family with a bunch of kids! Your son's pants aren't even long enough! If you didn't have all these kids you would have noticed sooner and you would have the money to go buy new ones right now instead of having to wait until payday!" My friend Emily and I have always joked about looking like "one of those" families with all the kids! While we can joke about it, it really is a real battle of fear and image that I seem to be fighting more and more lately.

I am exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually exhausted.

The thing is, I know that each of these things I am talking about are attacks from the enemy. I have amazing friends around me who send me e-mails filled with truth that I really don't want to hear at the time, but appreciate their honest truth none-the-less. But because of my hurts from the past few years with God and some people close to me, I have a hard time believing those truths right now. Which ultimately boils down to my trust issues with God rearing their ugly head again! Yuck!

I shared my fears about adopting an older child at the time we were considering bring Isabella into our family. I had real fears about my ability to emotionally and spiritually support even one more person. Those fears come from some real struggles that are currently happening in our family life. But as the reality of all that mothering six children means has come to pass, those fears have become reality. It is scary. It is overwhelming. It looks impossible.

But what is the truth? The truth is God hand picked each of these children to be in our family. His fingerprints are all over every single one of their births and adoptions. Each one of them truly were not planned by John or me! Even Callie who we say is our only "planned" child was conceived after a miscarriage ~ had we not lost our first baby, Callie would not be here. Every other child has a God print on their existence in this family, including the one I'm carrying...and don't get me started about thinking about adding a newborn to the mix!

The Truth is also, as one dear friend reminds me frequently, satan wants our family to fail. He wants John and I to divorce. He wants us to give up on parenting Isabella (it would truly be giving up on parenting, not on her because she is amazing!). He wants us to be poor examples of Christ followers to our children so that they grow up thinking following God in hard things makes you bitter and angry. He wants us to turn down any other children that God may already have planned for us. NO, I'm not looking for any! But with my feelings right now, I never would even be open to more children.

The truth is satan wants me to believe that I can't do this. I find myself saying it all the time, "I can't do this." But that is not what the Word says! It says, I can do ALL things THROUGH CHRIST who gives me strength! God, if I let him, can heal my hurts so that I can love my children despite my hurts.

As you guys know, I'm transparent..and in light of that, I'll just share....I'm not there yet! I'm struggling. I'm trying to believe God for the promises that have been spoken over this baby and our year. I was at a birthing center last week praying for a friend as she walked out a promise from God that she would successfully deliver a baby totally naturally after two c-sections. God has used her experience over the past week to speak to me when I chose to listen. John and I are in an all out war for our family right now. These promises that have been spoken over us would be healing of 13 years worth of hurt and disappointment. These promises would mean our family would be healthier than it has ever been....yes, even with six, soon to be seven, children! Since I've had c-sections on both my births, I don't have the experience that my friends who were with me at the birth center have had. As I heard them talk and we prayed for strength and perseverance and bound fear and cast it out for our friend, I know God was implanting that analogy in my heart. John and I are in labor with our family. I am at that point where fear sets in. I am at that point were the pain seems like it will never end and is not worth it! The ladies all talked about how towards the end it gets so hard you want to quit, but if you persevere, you end up with this amazing little baby and a euphoria that cannot be described! I think about my amazing friend who delivered all 10 lbs and 11 oz of her sweet baby boy that night - totally naturally! And I am encouraged to keep laboring through this process. It's ugly, it's messy, it's not fun, but it's necessary to produce that family God desires for us and the healing He has promised us. It's necessary to love my hurting daughters who need more love and reassurance from me than I feel like I can offer in my own wounded state. So today, which is what God tells me to only be concerned with, I'm going to kick fear out and walk in belief and faith that God will bring to pass that which He promised. I will not allow the enemy to taunt me with the failures of the past or the disappointments of the past. And try desperately to be as confident as those last sentences sound! :)

Hiding from God

I realize this title is an oxymoron, or close to it, I think. There is no way to hide from an Omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent God. But when I choose to not spend time with Him, I am at least blocking Him out...as much as the Holy Spirit will allow before chasing me down, anyway!

I have hidden from God way too much the past two months. Different reasons, but all of them are rebellious at the heart of the matter. Rebellion doesn't look good on me! Definitely NOT flattering! So why do I "wear" it? Sometimes I know God just shakes his head at me...just like I do my kids when they are being less than smart!

A lot of the time I have deliberately not had my quiet times over the past couple of months. It has been because the battle of spirit versus flesh have been very present in my household. Battles with kids and how they see other kids act or being treated by their parents, battles with other family members over my stance on spiritual absolutes and what we allow or don't allow in our family, and inward battles with what I believe God is saying and my complete lack of desire to do it!

Most recently, my battle is the latter! Over the past few weeks, I have been considering a possible situation that has been placed before us. A situation that John and I have agreed would be an impossibility and as such have informed those asking us that we would not be doing it. I was very comfortable with that decision! I can give you a thousand reasons why we are justified in our response to say no to this situation. In fact, there are very few people that wouldn't want to call in the men in white coats if we walked forward in this situation! We have received very good feedback from everyone when responding with a resounding "NO!!!!!" to this situation. Very good feedback from almost everyone...and the only One who really matters, doesn't seem all that thrilled with my no!

It started with a little whisper that said, "Did you ask Me about this situation? Did you ask Me what My plan is here?" To which I quickly responded, well God of course You don't want me to do this! It would stretch me beyond what any human is capable of! It would put stress on every area of our lives! There is no way You would want us to do this. To which I hear again, "Have you asked Me what I want in this situation? Have you asked Me what I can do in this situation? Have you looked at what matters to Me?"

We had a guest couple at our church for a marriage seminar and then they spoke again on Sunday morning. Their testimony and much of their walk in their marriage, mirrors a lot of John and mine. It was very encouraging to hear them! But God also used them to speak to me about this situation. In my quiet time before hearing them speak, God stirred it in me, then as they spoke, He solidified what I believed Him to be saying.

I believe He has said that we are to say "yes" to this situation. I don't even know that the "yes" will actually require anything of us. I don't know that the actual event will occur. But I know God wants me to be willing and ready to say "yes" to whatever He calls me to. And I know that God has spoken to my heart that I am limiting Him with my human perspective. I am telling Him where His boundaries are in my life and that is pretty much like the pot saying to the potter what it will be!

So I have spent the last week sleeping in and hiding from God. I don't know that I have ever consciously avoided Him because of what I think He will tell me before. But this week I can definitely say that I have. I'm tired of being stretched! I'm tired, period! I feel like I am literally on the brink of impossibility and God just seems to be saying, not only are you going to do all that I have commanded (even the things you aren't doing yet because you are being slow to obey Me), but add this to your list!

So tonight is the first time in a week or more that I feel like I have really engaged with God. Why? Because all my other attempts this week, feeble attempts, have failed. Why? Because I had rebellion in my heart and disobedience on my mind! I was coming to God saying, "I don't want to know what you want from me....I just want you to fix this, and this, and this...THEN maybe I will consider listening to you!" God reacts to that about how I would to one of my children telling me that!

But tonight, I come before Him ready to obey. Ready to lay down my agendas, my fears, my limitations and say yes to God. Whatever He asks of me in this situation, I'm ready to walk in obedience trusting Him with the rest! Hang on folks! This is going to be one crazy ride! ...oh, and pray for John! This may just send him over the edge! :) I have already told him I think God has spoken a "yes" in this situation, and He looked at me like I was a mad woman! He had no clue what he was getting himself into 13 years ago when he watched me walk down the aisle and took me as his life partner! But I wouldn't want to be on this journey with anyone else!

Family Come to Jesus Meeting Results

So the Come to Jesus Meeting went well! Can't say it was great, had a few tense moments, but at least now I'm not the only one that will be miserable around here! Ok, Just kidding..but really, the responsibilities have been spread and I feel much less emotionally involved as I know there are things I can do with the kids that takes the burden off me to constantly remind them to do their chores! Plus, my bathroom cabinets were wiped down, the toilet bases were scrubbed and both cars will be cleaned out when we have a warm day...

One of the things we came up with was the "Irresponsibility Can". If I have to do a chore for them, then they have to do a chore for me. If they backtalk or do anything that would drain my energy (a Love and Logic term) then they have to go to the Irresponsibility Can and pick a chore. In said can are the chores that John and I don't like to do. You know, things like scrub the toilets, clean mini-blinds, pick up the dog poop, etc! They are all in the can and the children draw their ch0re anytime they are being irresponsible. So far so good....we will see how it goes as the week goes on!

Confessions of a Large Family Mom

I hear all the time, "how do you do it?" Well, frankly, this week, I haven't! I haven't done "it" at all! I've managed to keep the house picked up and that's about it! I haven' t done all that needs to be done for my job...just bare minimums, I haven't discipled my children at all, and frankly, I haven't even really been all that nice. I'm tired and grumpy! Kind of already knew that, but was confirmed when Isabella told me early this week that she went to the counselor at school and asked her if it was normal for pregnant women to be grumpy and mean. Not exactly one of my prouder moments!

So I have tried to do some major self-reflection to see what is going on! I feel the depression creeping back and I am determined to not fall into that pit again!

Anyone who has been a Christian long knows that Bible study and prayer are key when you are trying to battle through anything! But I haven't been very good at that lately. Not because of time....yes, time is a valuable commodity around here, but you make time for what you think is important! I make the time when I'm not in my funk, so time can't be an excuse! The bottom line is, I don't want to. I'm throwing a tantrum for God...real mature, huh?!

Two reasons for not wanting to get in the Word. One, I'm afraid of what He will tell me. I'm not ready to be stretched anymore right now. And there is one particular direction I'm pretty sure God is telling me to go that I flat don't want to. The other is, I don't feel like I have the power or energy to change anything else right now. Of course no of those are true, but in the funk I'm in, they feel true. And being in the funk I'm in, the "feelings" control me instead of truth! Bad place to be!

Maybe there is a third reason....I'm tired of battle! Part of me thinks if I quit chasing after God so hard, maybe the enemy will leave me alone for awhile. Truth? He probably will....but then God will be after me, and rightly so! So all that brings me to where I am this morning...what am I going to do between This Rock and this hard place?

Well, I'm going to fight my way back to standing on The Rock and get out of the hard place! I have had two words spoken over me and God has shown scripture that shows exactly what He wants for me right now and it is victory! I have joined the Beth Moore Scripture Memory challenge for this year thanks to the challenge of a friend of mine. So I am memorizing two scriptures a month. This month, I am memorizing some from Joel 2 which was the Word spoken over me for this year. Verse 25 says, "Then I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the creeping locust, the stripping locust and the gnawing locust, My great army which I sent among you." John and I have been married for 13 years. I would say the majority of that 13 years has been stolen by locust of one kind or another in one of us. Time and again, God has shown us that 2011 is the year to reclaim those years and see the fruit! That makes the enemy nervous and angry, and he is in full force.

I KNOW the truth! That is what frustrates me so badly! I KNOW that the enemy has no power over me that I don't hand to him! I KNOW that I am an over comer by the words of my testimony and the blood of the Lamb! But knowing it and walking in it seem to be two totally different things! So today has been a reflection of how to get that knowledge to my feet in order to walk!

I have a lot I need to get in order, but I see that the enemy uses our family size many times to drain me! And that is what God has been revealing today and even the weeks before today when I have found myself exhausted and snapping by 5:00 every day.

John and I love Parenting with Love and Logic. There are some areas of it that we have to tweek, especially parenting children from hard places, but the concepts are fabulous! I have noticed over the past few weeks, that we have slipped back into very bad old habits! Our kids have to be told EVERYTHING to do...including brush their hair in the case of the boys! We have been threatening to shave their heads (or at least cut it very short) if they don't start taking care of it. But have we followed through? NO! Instead, every morning, I find myself saying, "Have you brushed your hair?" numerous times and then waiting in the car while one of them runs back into the bathroom to brush his hair! Even the older girls have to be told EVERYTHING they are supposed to do. We have chore charts. No one looks at them! They just wait for John or I to tell them what to do! Well, by the end of the day when I have told 6 people plus myself what to do for every little step of their day, I am worn out! That's nuts!

I have said on her before that I am not an organized person. It really does not come naturally to me. I have begged with God recently to make me more organized and asked him why in the world He didn't give me more organization genes since He knew He was going to give me all these children. But the fact of the matter is, even the systems we have in place, we are not using! We are letting our children run our home and then we are all snappy and grippy!

So today, after school and homework, when John gets home, we are having a family Come to Jesus Meeting! It will start with John and I confessing the areas we have not been good parents. I think it is important to model proper failure (if there is such a thing) for your children! It is important for them to understand that even when you are not being successful you can stop, repent, and turn it around! And then we are laying down some hard and fast ground rules for chores and responsibilities around here. Mom and dad are done being drill sergeants! Its time for the responsibility for themselves to go back on the children where it belongs! And if they refuse to take the responsibility, well, then their life will become a little more miserable as they suffer natural consequences of not being able to handle responsibility. I'm doing being miserable because they can't handle responsibility!

Wish me luck...or better yet, say a prayer for us! And I will let you know how it goes! I'm off to write down some of the issues and brain storm from natural consequences!