For anyone who thinks I have it all together....

This is a post I have wanted to write for months....but for much of that time, I wouldn't have been able to collect the thoughts darting through my mind enough to communicate my point. Then fear kept me from writing it for awhile. However, I was reminded this week that the Word says we have overcome by the Blood of the Lamb AND the word of our testimony - I am not where I want to be, but I am not where I was either. Praise God! I was also encouraged to be transparent by two women of God - Lisa Terkeurst and my daughter CallieAnn - who shared their stories boldly, so I am sharing mine as well.

I don't share for sympathy or pity. I don't share to complain - although some of this will sound like toddler whininess I am sure! I share because twice in one week I had two different people say something along the lines of "I don't know how you do it! You are so put together!" Both times my immediate thought was, "If you only knew!" It wasn't that I was hiding things to put on a show. I wasn't sharing all that was going on because I was literally just trying to survive. I only share now because I truly desire to live a transparent life that glorifies my God. I share now because I have no doubt that I have friends who are walking the same path I was...and I want them to know they are NOT alone! I want them to know there is help. I want them to know they don't have to keep walking that path. For my fellow humans struggling with depression, you are not alone!

I woke up every morning with a heaviness and despair that would plague me util I went to bed that night. I would take about 30-45 minutes to talk myself out of bed - I still had to be mom and wife and adoption worker. I would go through the day trying my best to be everything everyone needed me to be. Then I would lay down to the only peace I had throughout the day - sleep.

I  am not sure when it started. I have battled this giant before in my life. I had pretty significant postpartum depression. I was actually in the process of weaning off the medicine when I found out I was pregnant with Journey. So for almost 4 years, I took medicine. When everything with Liberia happened, I battled depression again. It was different that time, though. I knew that was spiritual. I was able to battle back through spiritual warfare and get out of that pit that the enemy wanted to leave me in to kill my life's calling to be a voice and advocate for the orphaned. So I have personally know depression that is physical and depression that is spiritual.

One year ago, we heard God tell us to move. As we walked that out in obedience, we kept hearing that we were going to our Promised Land. How is depression part of my promised land? In short, it's not!

The actual move was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life...the loan for the people buying our house fell through, we were already packed with movers coming in less than a week! We helped them get another loan through a friend, but that set all the timelines off. So the first day of school, we moved into John's parents house for a week while the entire contents of our home was moved in to the garage of our new house. We would then embark on a three month complete gut of our new home that would include moving into the home, moving out to John's parents, moving back into the home, moving all 10 of us into the living room, moving back into John's parents, then moving into just the upstairs before finally being able to move everyone to their bedrooms and our living room furniture in! While doing this we had two kids start a new daycare, one kid start homeschooling, five kids start new schools, one of whom had such severe anxiety that I was making one to two trips a day to the school to help calm this one, one kid had an emergency appendectomy and one kid with a week long hospital stay that included another three weeks of maintenance care to ensure all meds were working and all was well. And that was just in the first 5 weeks of the remodel!

I knew I was stressed. I knew there were moments when it felt like I almost had to leave my body (not literally - but that's the only way I can explain with words the feeling I had of how much I had to disconnect on a daily bases emotionally to simply make it through the day without losing "it" - not really sure what "it" was, but I certainly feared losing it!) - so I felt like I had to leave my body to work in the circumstances I found myself in while also trying to meet the needs of all those dependent on me to be the emotional anchor as we made the move. I knew things were worse than I cared to admit when I started noticing that when my phone would ring with John's ringtone, my heart would start racing, and I would start to sweat. I was having panic attacks, but had no idea that's what they were. I just knew I had to hold "it" together - and part of that "it" was my family! But even though I knew things were tough and I wasn't handling it as well as I wanted to, I felt like much of it was circumstantial. I would tell myself, "I know it's bad, but when we get done moving, it will be ok." But then another crisis or stressor would enter my world. Again, I would say, "I know it's bad, but when we get through football, it will be better." And on and on....

I finally made the call to get on medication when twice I stressed out enough over circumstances that I had to call John to intervene. I knew I had made the right decision when one week after going on medication, for the first time in nearly 20 years of marriage, I had to tell John he couldn't travel for a work trip because I could not take care of things at home alone. I had reached the point where getting out of bed and doing my job was the most I had in me. One of the wake-up calls came when out of the blue, one of my younger kids asked, "Mom, do you like being a mother?!" I knew then something had to change...

For those who know me, they know this we the bottom of defeat for me. I am a strong woman - remember, everyone looks at me and says, "How do you do all that?" But the tower had crumbed. I was worn out. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. And also spiritually. My blood pressure which as been low all my life shot up to near stroke levels. Something in my body was definitely not ok.

I know there is stigma about medicine for depression at times, but I am here to tell you, when your body chemistry is off because of constant stress or other factors, medicine may just be needed! I love what Kris Vallatton says all the time about spiritual warfare and depression. He talks of the time that he had a breakdown and how he had to take medicine for a time to get his mind to where it needed to be to even be able to fight what needed to be fought on the spiritual side. That was exactly where I was!

I have been on medicine for almost 2 months now. It has helped me drastically - but as we all know there is no pill to fix everything! God is teaching me a new and deeper dependence on Him as I walk out of this valley of death. I have learned attributes of God's character in this pit that I would not have learned on a mountain top! Do I think God made me depressed?! Absolutely not! My God is a faithful, loving, gracious Father who wants me whole - mind, body and soul! But He did allow it - and He will use it for His glory and to shape and mold me into more of His reflection. He has taught me to fight on a new level on the spiritual battlefield. I still have days when the anxiety overtakes me. But I am able to fight back. The enemy wants to steal my joy - to steal the plans God has for me. My job is to stay plugged into the Source of Joy, Life, and Love so that I can fight back on the days the medicine isn't enough to overcome the circumstances that push in and threaten to take me under. Those are the days I have to fight even harder to keep my eyes on Jesus so I don't sink! Those are the days I have to remind myself many times a day - sometimes many times an hour- that my God is bigger than ANY problem I face! And I have good news for you too! He is bigger than any problem YOU face also! Greater is He that is in me (and you if you have accepted Him as your Lord) than he that is in the world! I've read the end of the book - We Win! Someone needs to hear that! You are not alone! And you WILL overcome if you will connect with the One whose blood shed for our sins overcame the power of darkness in this world, and will share your testimony! Reach out to someone close to you! Don't let satan shame you with what he gave you! Find a friend to confide in - and allow them to walk with you - right. out. of. the. valley!

You are not alone.....

There's Two Sides To War

At the beginning of last year, God woke me up with a message that I needed to be on my knees battling for my children. You can read about that here. As I look back over 2015, I see that was an accurate warning...and I wish I had been more diligent to really war, not just the bed time and morning prayer, but on my knees, in the Spirit warring for my children. As I reflected on that coming into this year, God reminded me that my prayer and worship life will dictate a lot about the rest of my life!  So I committed to staying up late, getting up early, whatever it takes to truly war for my family, my ministry, the dreams God has placed inside of me.  After about a week of truly warring like I have never done before (inspired also by the movie War Room and making my own War Room in the closet under our stairs....), I felt like all hell had broken lose again and at a whole new level! One night as I cried out in frustration to God, I had a revelation! In my traditional American Christianity way, I expected things to go smoothly because I had stepped it up....stepped up my obedience in some areas that had been lagging, stepped up my prayer life, stepped up...well, you get the picture! I had the "I did my part, now where are you?!" mentality!

But as I cried out that night, God asked me how many wars I knew of where when one side decided to finally take action and go to war, the other side just laid down their weapons and went away? Well, I thought, with the exception of a couple in the Bible where God just intervened in miraculous ways, all other wars I could think of were two way battles! When the one side decided to fire, the other side fired back!

So I decided to get over my tantrum, I mean let's be honest, I was just throwing a 2 year old tantrum because things were hard, I did what I was told, and it didn't work! But God reminded me that night that it is working! He reminded me that the enemy was defeated at the cross! So what I am facing right now is just his distractions. There is not a question of who wins this war, it is simply a question of will I hang on until the enemy has used all his tricks and understands I am not backing down and goes on to someone else who he can distract and lie to?! So instead of getting discouraged and giving up, I stepped up my game! I have found ways to dive into the Word in new and refreshing ways, like Bible journaling, in order to arm myself for the war....because this gal ain't stopping until I stand firm and stable on the Promise Land God has shown me is mine for the taking!

For Such a Time as This

The past few weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind as I have found myself once again in the middle of a battle with government and bureaucracy for the welfare of children.  Only this time, it's local!

It took almost two years to secure our contract with DFPS to place waiting children in adoptive homes.  When I first started the process, even the DFPS contract managers told me it would be a difficult and life-draining process.  They were right.  But we knew God had revealed to us the orphan crisis in our own backyard for us to make a difference....not to just walk away and pretend like we didn't know.  So I pressed on.  We placed our first waiting children in an adoptive home in December, and they finalized last month.  If all that work was done for just those two kids...it would be worth it...because every child deserves a home! But there are 13,000+ still waiting.

That's why when I was made aware of a sibling group of four kids who have had parent rights terminated for over a year with NOTHING done according to policy of CPS to try to find an adoptive home, I jumped to action.  Initially just because we had an adoptive home that was open to looking at the possibility of adopting them.  There is so much more to their story and the travesty of it, but that will have to be a post for another time! My efforts to find them a home were met with a huge brick wall!  Texas is undergoing a foster care redesign and evidently sometime between February when I was told adoption wasn't part of it and June when I am trying to find a home for children whom the system has failed for a year now, adoption became part of it.  The details are appalling and make it obvious that the issue is money and not welfare of children, but that too is a post for another day also.

I spent the better part of the next two days on the phone with officials trying to explain the issue that would severely limit the availability of adoptive homes for the 13,000+ children who are waiting.  On July 3, I found myself on a phone call with a foster care redesign attorney with DFPS and a couple of other people.  It became obvious that this was not going to be an issue easily fixed.  I was defeated.  I was left wondering where God was in all of it! I knew He had called me to this work with waiting children of Texas.  It's my passion, it's become the focus of my life's calling to care for the orphan.  But I truly didn't think I could fight not one more battle in the war for these kids.  I was emotionally, physically and spiritually spent with the demands of that battle, the cases I still had to work with Addy's Hope, and the job to be wife to John and mom to 9.  I leaned over my kitchen counter and just sobbed!

"What do you want from me, GOD?!" I screamed from the deepest part of my soul!  I have fought this battle before in Liberia. I had to walk away from that one without success leaving children and families broken in the wake of those events.  What are you asking me to do now?  What more do you want from me?

I knew I had to have a break at the very least.  So I determined to not work for the 4th of July weekend and take that time to enjoy my family.  I spent most of that weekend trying to figure out how to shut Addy's Hope down.  I truly didn't know how I could continue to work passionately for children to keep hitting government bureaucracy that stood between them and forever families.  It was one thing to deal with that in a third world country half way around the world, but to once again be face to face with this monster in my own country, in my own state in a "civilized" society was more then I felt I could continue to battle. But come Monday morning, God was waiting for me when I got still and started my quiet time with Him.

I had heard a couple of teachings on the dry bones coming to life in Ezekiel 37.  I had turned there that morning.  I started in verse 36 to try and get a little intro to what was happening in 37.  As I read, I felt the despair and hopelessness of the situation melt away.  The Spirit of the Lord spoke to Gideon telling him that what he saw with his eyes was not reality.  He told him to tell the bones to get up...then piece by piece, the bones became an army that could fight for him!  As I read, I knew God was reminding me that what I was being told by those I was talking with was the physical world, but God was telling me to speak life into the situation!  He was reminding me that the true reality of what was happening was in what He had planned.  He brought to mind several Words that had been shared with my be key people in my life.  He showed me how they were for this time and this exact situation.  Then He did something I don't know that I can ever remember Him doing in my walk with Him.  He gave me a choice.

We always have a choice.  I know that.  We can choose life, or we can choose death.  We can choose obedience, or we can choose sin.  But this time was not like that.  This time He spoke to me like I would one of my children who were contemplating a decision.  He assured me that He knew the sacrifice this battle would take.  He told me it would be hard,  it will take all you have to fight it. Then He assured me that I could walk away from it.  It wasn't a "you can walk away, but you will be walking in disobedience" rebuke.  It was truly a choice.  I felt like what I think Jesus must have felt in the Garden of Gethsemane.  Obviously not nearly to the extent of sacrifice that Jesus had to make or the agony he felt, but a similar scenario.  God was telling me this is truly a choice.  However, there were some "buts" to that choice.  It was a choice, "but" all the work I had done in Liberia with the government there was for such a time as this.  It was a choice, "but" the working of the CPS contract and having an agency doing only adoptive placements of waiting children was for this time and place.  So much of the heart ache and the walking through the valleys was for this moment.  It truly felt like God was saying, "This is the moment I created you for!  But I know it will cost you, and you can walk away from it.  Just know that all you have suffered in walking out your faith, beliefs and passion has prepared you for this battle. Now what are you going to do?"  He assured me the battle would be won.  He had already declared it in the heavenlies.  However, He also made clear that pulling that victory down from heaven to earth would require going to battle.  In my work with Addy's Hope, I have always felt inferior.  Inferior as a professional, inferior as a tiny agency, inferior in just about every way possible.  Can I tell you something? God knows our insecurities!  And that morning He spoke directly to mine when He said, "Do not be ashamed or timid because you are a small agency - you are David and I will give you the stones of Truth and wisdom to sleigh Goliath."  (And to confirm that one of my amazing families made a reference to David and Goliath just a few days later!)

And with that, I had a decision to make.....

More of You, No Matter the Cost!

I've really got to stop writing posts like the last one!  Seems that every time I do, I'm challenged on the truth I put into words.  Later the same day that I had written the post, I received a letter in the mail that opened a firestorm of events in my life.  Events that would bring a first for me.  You know when you say on a phone call, "get this fixed or you will be speaking to my attorney?"  Well, I had to make good on that for the first time in my life yesterday!  Someday I will share details - but right now, please pray for me.  I am up against a system in our society that I have learned this week is known for it's retaliation and blackballing of people who whistle blow.  And anyone who knows me knows that nothing gets my blood boiling like injustice....and this system works with underprivileged people all the time!  If they are doing this to me, I cannot even imagine what they are doing to those who do not have an understanding of the system or have the means to fight this giant!  It is on their behalf that I will fight this!  I wear a bracelet that says, "Be the Change!"  Putting feet to that in this situation.

Then we get news about a family member that sent us to our knees in fear as well as concern and overwhelming sadness.  The battle with the social system had me once again wanting to walk away from the work that I do.  I know the enemy is out to get my ministry.  It is evident.  As I was in between phone calls on Monday dealing with the current issue, my phone rings and it is a reporter from the New Yorker calling to fact find on the piece I gave information for over a year ago (that honestly I thought had already gone to print and I just missed seeing it) about the corruption in adoption in Liberia when we worked there.  I am going to have to find the post of when we brought Toben home and re-post...not even sure I ever really posted about it because it was such a traumatic event at the time.  Google my name.  You will find a news article that says I trafficked children.  That was what we found when we got on US soil with our precious Toben after a 10 day fight!  Working internationally and accused of child trafficking.  Working domestically, and now this.  It was as if God was sending me a message with the call from the New Yorker..."Remember what happened when the enemy did this?  You spent a couple of weeks worrying if the FBI was going to show up on your doorstep and arrest you.  Nothing came of that!  You almost laugh at it now.  You will do the same of this situation!"  It was in that moment that God solidified once again the call He has on my life.  I'm not special!  He has a call on all our lives...you have one on yours too!  And then He reminded me of the week I went to Austin and had some life transforming moments with Him.

I listened to Bill Johnson podcasts all the way to Austin that week.  He spoke right to my soul!  He taught on some things that God has used to literally transform my life, my thinking.  The podcast that challenged me the most was "Being the Sacrifice Fire Falls On".  Google it and listen to it, but beware!  It is life changing!  God reminded me yesterday that I had prayed the same prayer Bill Johnson prayed....more of you, God, no matter the cost!  When Bill Johnson prayed that, he woke up paralyzed three nights in a row.  It's an amazing testimony!

Within weeks of coming home from that trip where I prayed with all my being to experience more of God and to know Him at a different level than I ever have, a child left our family, my house was torn apart by a remodel, my marriage hit some bumps and my ministry is threatened!  Every area of my identity has been rocked!  The small voice came back, "Do you still mean it?  Do you really mean  whatever the cost?"  And in the face of all the conflict, especially the threatening of my ministry, and in a moment that I truly believe God was saying, "You can walk away!", I knew I really did mean it!  More of God, less of me, whatever the cost! Bill Johnson says it best:

"Doesn't matter what it costs.  I died to that a long time ago.  I'm not in this because of what I get, I'm in it because it's what I was born for.  I was summoned.  I was called by The Only One who has a right to rule my life. I was summoned, I was called by name.  I would be a fool to say no to that summons, that call, that invitation. [I have a desire] to be the offering, that which attracts God."

Don't hear me say that God puts us through trials for kicks or for His own pompous need for us to need Him.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  He allows trials in our lives for our own need of Him.  In our weakness is when He is strong. It is in our raw need that we see Him the most.  It is in our desperate times that we learn to lean on Him...when we literally have nothing or no one else. And that is where these events have left me!  Raw, vulnerable and totally open to the presence of God because He is the only One who can bring peace.  I have learned to find contentment in any and all circumstances.  I have learned to not be led by emotions.  I have learned to trust Him and fight the enemy not believing the lies the enemy tries to throw at me.  I have learned to live by faith - being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see - in a way I never have.  I have been challenged to believe that without faith it is impossible to please God and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him!  To believe any of that, I had to believe what I read in the Bible is truth and "reality" and not my circumstances!

And in the face of it all, I say, if I get a more intimate knowledge of God and relationship with God in the exchange, I say, YES!

Well Behaved Women....Callie's not one of them!

Just to update you on the hair bow battle, Callie met with her principal yesterday. At the beginning of the meeting, the principal asked Callie if she was nervous talking to her, and Callie smiled and said, "Nope!" That's my girl!!!!! Seems to be a bit of attempt to intimidate going on....glad it didn't work on her anymore than it did no me!

The petition she started has been approved. The principal put all kinds of stipulations on how and when it can be signed and made Callie initial signature pages, etc. Kind of silly, but we will play by her rules. I am just so proud of Callie for standing up and continuing even when it got hard and could have been intimidating! The petition will be in two locations at three different times during the school day. I am praying and asking my friends to pray that this experience is a good one for Callie and accomplishes all God intends for it to do in her life. And as a momma bear whose watched her cub be attacked, I'm praying for hundreds of signatures for Callie to have when she sits with the principal next week to discuss the petition!

I'll keep you posted! Could not be more proud of my daughter! Makes me wonder what plans God has for her and makes me excited to see just what those will be!

Well behaved women rarely make history

"Well behaved women rarely make history" is a quote by Laural Thatcher Ulrich (I've also seen it attributed to Marylin Monroe) that Callie saw one time and brought to my attention. It was when I was fighting the battle in Liberia to have adoptions opened back up. She said, "Mom, this is you!" She even made it my screen saver on my phone at one time. I wasn't sure how to take that, but I've come to enjoy at as one of the biggest compliments she could give me.

It is no hidden secret that I have a strong personality. And I am well aware that in my earlier years that personality was wild, abrasive and unmerciful. I've heard many sermons over the years about the balance of grace and truth, and I most certainly needed more of the grace! But as I have fought hard battles over the years: adoptions in Liberia, fighting to bring Eden home, fighting the enemy's grip on my family at different times, I have learned to fight as God's daughter. I have come to understand that my strong personality is a gift. It was given to me for the purposes God has for me while here on this earth and He intends for me to use it for good. That means I have to stay in the Word and go to Him in prayer whenever the blood in me starts boiling over a matter. I have learned to fight no battle until God says I can. The battles are His. I don't move until He tells me He needs me to be hand and feet and to go forward.

Which brings me to my current battle. It is over bows and earrings. Yes, that's right. Bows. And. Earrings. Crazy? Yes! But as I have played a meeting I had yesterday over this issue back in my head time and time again, I think I see the battle I'm fighting....and it has nothing to do with bows and earrings!

Our local school district started a new way of serving the children identified as gifted and talented this year. I hate those terms. As a parent of an identified gifted and talented child and a special education child, let me just make it clear that all of my children are gifted and talented and need special education! So please understand I am only using the labels as the education system has them in place. There is definitely some arrogance at times in this circle of gifted and talented in education, but we have always been quick to remind Callie she has been gifted as God needs her to be for His work. And so has every other child placed on this planet! No need to get a big head! Since 2nd grade, Callie has attended a two day a week program where she was bussed to a different school and attended classes with children from other schools in the district. The classes were designed to challenge and stretch these children in ways they wouldn't be in their home school classroom. Last year, the district announced that they would be changing the system and the children would be attending this school every day. They would no longer be divided between two schools. Callie is in 6th grade which in our system is the last year of elementary school. We deliberated long and hard, prayed, talked to Callie countless hours before making the decision for Callie to attend this school. Then they announced that they were wearing uniforms and we revisited it all over again. Callie, as a very fashion conscious 11 year old, was very concerned about wearing uniforms. We assured her she would survive and encouraged her to make her decision on whether or not to attend Carver on something a little more substantial than the clothes she would have to wear. But we ultimately left the decision up to her. She chose to go.

As we went shopping for clothes for the coming school year, Callie was pretty bummed that all could buy were blue, gold and white polos and khaki pants. So in her creativity and out of the box thinking (remember, the thing they are supposed to be promoting at this school), she decided that she could express her fashion style in her bows and jewelry. Nothing outlandish, just a little zebra with the gold or lime green with the white. We pulled out the standard attire policy and combed through it to make sure she wasn't violating any rules before she spent her money. It really became quite interesting to watch how she spent her money and the ways she came up with to express her own individuality.

Fast forward to the second week of school. There was a meeting with some teachers and the students about the uniforms. The students were told that they could not wear bows or jewelry that were not in standard attire colors. Callie was ready to quit the school. I explained to her we were not going to quit the school after we had made a decision and commitment to our year there, but that we could discuss this issue with the principal. I made a phone call and was quite shocked at the response I received. After having the phone slammed in my ear, I had plans to call the administrative offices. I was explaining to Callie about my phone conversation and she asked me to wait to call. She wanted to try to fight this battle herself. She asked if she could create a petition to get signatures. Wow! I'm not sure exactly where she learned about a petition, but I was ready to support her. She wrote the petition herself. I helped edit a few grammar mistakes, but she wrote it. She asked me to wait to do anything else until she could present the petition to the principal, and I proudly agreed.

One of the teachers got wind of the petition and told Callie she wanted to take it to the principal. A week later, the teacher told her she couldn't do the petition without the approval of the principal. We looked up the policy, and that is not what it states at all, but the principal assured me the school district attorney says a petition has to be approved. I told her I totally disagreed with that, but it wasn't a big deal for Callie to bring the petition to her. Callie didn't want to do it alone as she was scared of retaliation by this principal. When the principal talked to me about the petition, she also asked to meet with me again. I told her I had no problem meeting with her, but that if it was going to be a conversation that was anything like our previous phone call, I was not interested in waisting my time. She assured me it would not be. Three weeks later, we finally met (long story in and of itself!).

When I walked into the conference room of what I though was going to be a meeting with me and her, there were two other women in the room. It quickly became apparent that the conversation wasn't going to be much different than the phone conversation. In fact, it was worse. At one point during the meeting, the principal left to get a copy of the standard attire policy. At that time, the teacher who was in the room said, "I want to talk to you as a mother. I have four grown children and you don't need to fight this battle. You need to teach your daughter that no means no. You've asked. She has said no. And that needs to be the end of it." Of course this was right after the principal told me I couldn't contact any other parents who shared my concerns with the lack of communication over the particulars for the dress code. I am reading "Lioness Arising" by Lisa Bevere, and let me just say, when the woman sitting beside me told me I didn't need to be fighting this for my daughter and needed to teach her that no means no, the lioness arose! I politely explained to her that I was not a mother who wanted her children to bow down to unjust or irrational authority. I explained that I was very proud of Callie for taking this cause on and fighting in the proper manner to have her voice and the voice of those around her who were too scared to speak for themselves heard. I further explained that I thought it was absolutely ludicrous that she was telling me I needed to teach my daughter that she can never question a decision that she feels is unjust or unfair. I told her that is probably what is wrong with our country right now is such a complacent attitude. I told her that I am teaching her that a no that is unfair or unjust is not a no until you get to the top. I further explained to her that when Callie wanted to present the petition to the superintendent when he visited their school a few weeks ago, I would not allow her to do that. I explained that you could not jump to the top with your concerns but that you needed to go through the proper channels. We had also told Callie and she has gladly followed the interpretation of the code as it stands now. We will not allow her to be rebellious or disrespectful of the principal as an authority...but to tell her we won't question through the proper channels? Really?! No daughter or son of mine will be taught to lay down and play dead!

Having said that, let me also say that I have wanted to lay this thing down many times over the past two months. Are bows really worth my time? No. But God keeps saying, you can't stop. I've been asking why, and I think that teacher who was trying to get me to stop gave me my answer. I'm raising an Esther! I don't know what God has planned for Callie, but whatever it is, I believe with all my heart it will be fighting for those without a voice in some way. I see Him doing way too many things in her life to not believe that. So God tells me to press on because she is watching. These stakes are low. Not getting to wear a bow that is lime green is not the end of the world. But what she will be fighting for later just might be for those on whose behalf she fights.

My meeting yesterday and the response of that teacher was just a reminder that bucking the system doesn't make you popular. Refusing to stay in the status quo can bring criticism. But even as I read the current chapter of Lioness Awakening, God reminded me why it is vital for His people to take up battles from time to time. Lisa Bevere actually uses the quote I started this post with in the chapter I am reading. She says about it: "In light of this charge, God does not need a band of domesticated daughters who spend their days baking and behaving well. Nothing wrong with baking, but if that is all we do, God won't use us to change history. I know this quote may challenge some of you. It challenged me when I first read it. This is not an admonition to be naughty but to realize that change often comes with the challenge of the status quo." Amen!!!

Lisa goes on to give examples like Rosa Parks. If she had not challenged the "no" of sitting in the white section of the bus, America as we know it today might look different. There is a whole list of women in the Bible who challenged the status quo. One of my favorites is Esther. If she had not taken a risk and gone to the king with her request to save her people...even without being summoned first, the Jews would have perished.

As I drove home from the meeting yesterday I kept asking God why. While I have a strong personality, and injustice makes my blood boil, I don't enjoy battles and I would rather walk away than fight. But God immediately brought to mind the puzzle that He so often uses with me. He shows me a great big puzzle with one missing piece. I am the missing piece. God uses that to remind me that when He asks me to do something, like fight for what appears to be a worthless cause like hair bows, there is a bigger picture I can't see. I have no idea what that bigger picture is, I only see my little piece. If it is just Callie learning to stand up for injustice while the stakes are low or if there is a larger reason, I must do my part or the bigger picture isn't complete. The more I interact in this situation, the more concerns I have. But I know if God has told me to continue the battle, I want to obey. I want my daughter to know its ok to stand up even when people are screaming at you to lay down. I want Callie to know there are battles worth being unpopular to fight. I want her to see Esther as her hero not as a problem causer.

As Lisa says, "when you are awakened, you can't help but respond." May I nor any of my children ever sleep through God's alarm awakening them to a change that needs to be made!

As far as the hair bow controversy, Callie has submitted her petition for approval. It has not been returned as of yet, but should be Monday and she still wants to present it and take it as far as we need to for her side to be heard. I could not be more proud of her! And I can't wait to see where God uses her...bows today, lives tomorrow...and I think I might just keep in touch with that teacher from the meeting yesterday so when Callie is changing the world I can remind her that in her opinion, I should have taught me daughter that no is no.

God speaks, are we listening?

This past week has been a difficult and challenging one! Despite the much needed vacation the first part of the week! John and I were able to go on a retreat for his work without children for three days. It was a much needed mini-vacation!



We are still walking out this journey that I have been talking about. I get resolved that we are to continue, I even get excited about parts of it. Then something happens. My eyes look down - I lose focus of the Author and Perfecter of my faith - and I get scared! All the fears and doubts rush in and I become a basket case. All peace leaves. I stomp my foot on the ground and scream, "I'm not going to do it! I am not going to take on this task that has the potential to destroy me, my marriage, my family, etc, etc." (By the way, I don't really recommend stomping your foot at God and telling Him no! However, I do know that my God is big enough to handle it and likes it when I am real with Him...then He can deal with me!)



My struggle is internal. We had an AMAZING discussion last night at our small group about trust. We are doing a wonderful study at our church on trust. I will post the link for the pod casts. I highly recommend them if you want to go further with God. If you don't, then don't listen to them! There really should be a warning on them that says, "Warning: Will most likely rock your world if you listen and obey!"



Even though my struggle is internal, over the past week, I have externalized it. Let me explain. When something happened in my physical world that fed my doubts and fears, I would lash out at that thing/person. I will be apologizing to my family this evening for many times this past week that I was not kind! I am struggling with physical fatigue right now in a new and very frustrating way! How in the world will I do this thing God says to do when I am so tired now that I don't get the tasks completed that I need to today? He wants me to do more?!



Yes! He does! I realized in our small group discussion that this is once again a trust issue with me and God. I have been looking at it as I don't have the faith. We talked last night about the difference between faith and trust. We talked about that faith is the belief (Heb 11:1), but trust is the walking out of that belief! I prayed early on in this journey for God, the Author and Perfecter of my faith, to do some writing because I didn't have the faith to walk this road. He answered that prayer. He gave me the faith. So I said yes, and we continued. However, with each step in faith, I must trust more! There in lies the problem with externalizing my struggle! If I struggle with the people in my life feeling like they don't support me, then I am "trusting" in them to make this thing happen or work. If I struggle with the fatigue and how I will accomplish all that it will require, then I am trusting in my own physical strength. These are all misplaced trusts! God is calling me to trust Him and Him alone!



I thought I was past my trust issues. And I am...in some areas! Now God is stretching me further. He is asking me to trust Him even more! He is asking me to not look at circumstances, to not look at people, to not even look at myself except that I have willing heart, but to look at Him! To keep my eyes on the prize! Why is that so hard?!



Hebrews 11 has long been one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. God took me there this morning and then to chapter 12. I have thrown a fleece for this thing he has asked us to do. I have never thrown out a fleece in my life, but I felt I needed that much of a tangible to move on in this...when Gideon threw a fleece in Judges 6, it was because he lacked faith to believe what God was telling him. That was exactly where I was with God. God answered with affirmation that we were to move forward. So my faith was increased. I thought I was home free!



But as the day of fulfillment of this calling comes close and closer, I find it harder and harder to keep walking. That frustrates me with myself! But God is so gracious! I have prayed many times for him to confirm for me that his is what He wants us to do. Even after He answered the fleece throw! (Not exactly sure that is the right lingo for that!). But again this morning, my Heavenly Father, Abba, who loves me enough to take me to His word and confirm again this call He has given us, has greatly encouraged me. It is a crucial reminder that throughout this journey, I must keep my eyes on Him! I am so thankful that I serve a God who never gets tired of me asking for His confirmation as I take each step of this journey!



So for those reading this who wonder what in the world I mean when I say, "God speaks?" Let me explain with practical application to my conversation with God this morning.



I started by asking Him to encourage me in the walk before me today. I asked Him to confirm for me that the direction we are walking is His path. Then I started my Bible study that we are doing. This week it is on discipline, so there were a lot of references to Hebrews 12. After I finished the study, I felt I needed more of God's Word this morning...just Him...not a study that talked about the Word, but The Word itself speaking into me. So I went to Hebrews. I started in 11 because as I stated earlier, that has long been one of if not the favorite chapter!



As I read verse 6 - and without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder for hose who seek Him - God said, Stop. Listen. There was a stirring in my spirit as I read those words. I started thinking about the last part and realized that my old doubts about God's goodness that stem from Eden not coming home and a few other situations that made me doubt God's goodness have resurfaced and the enemy is using those to make me doubt this path God has me on. The enemy is sneaky! He gets in your head and places little bits of truth. Like - "yeah, God will walk with you, but will He make it easy?" And - "if it is too much, you can just tell God no - His grace will cover that". There are bits of truth in each of those statements, but there is also a big twist on that truth. As I read Hebrews 11:6, The Holy Spirit wrote it on my heart. He gave me peace as I read that God does reward those who seek Him. If I say yes, there will be a reward! That reward may not be here on earth, but there IS a reward! Get behind me satan!!!! One for the Heavenly Team!



Encouraged, I continue reading. As I read verses 15 & 16, again, I feel the Holy Spirit fill me with peace and a little bit of rebuke, so I stop. "And indeed if they had been thinking of that country from which they went out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God; for He has prepared a city for them." A question pops into my head - "are you looking back at the "city" you came from where you were enslaved to fear and doubts and mistrust of God? Don't you want to go to the city God has prepared for you - a better country?!" I had to answer, YES! But God didn't stop there! This is what makes me know that I know God is real! Words that were written 2000 years ago can speak to exactly where I am today! Out of all the pages and words in the Bible, God brought me right here, TODAY! As I asked for encouragement and confirmation! Only a Supernatural God could answer that request - maybe chance could make it happen once or twice in a lifetime, but this happens day after day after day as I spend time with God and dig into His word! I get to Hebrews 12:25 - See to it that you do not refuse Him who is speaking. - Doesn't get any plainer than that folks! I often say that I just wish God would send me a text or e-mail! Well, I think He did today! The text came via the service provider called The Holy Spirit and my "phone" was my Bible! It was as plain as if it were those letters were rolling across my phone screen! But He didn't' stop there! God knows I'm dense! He was going to make sure I didn't miss the point this morning! I finished out Hebrews and read chapter 13.



I have mentioned before in my posts about this path we are on right now that I have never felt more ill-equipped for anything He has called us to. I never felt equipped for the agency, but this is even bigger. The consequences of faliure far greater and much more personal. But once again, that is a trust issue...trusting in myself and not God. But does God get mad that I am not trusting? Not my loving Abba! Instead, he sent me another "text"! (Pun intended!) Hebrews 13:20-21 ~ "Now the God of Peace, who brought up from the dead the great Shepherd of the sheep through the blood of the eternal covenant, even Jesus our Lord, equip you in every good thing to do His will, working in us that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ..." Oh how I love God's word and the fact that the Holy Spirit resides in me to teach me truth! God will equip me! I don't have to be equipped right now! The God of peace will equip me...I can rest in peace in that! The same God whose power raised Jesus from the dead will equip me! If he can raise the dead, is there anything could happen on this earth that He could not handle and help me get through? NO!!!! I will daily fight the battle in my mind that tells me I can't do this - You have said I can through You! I will daily battle the thoughts that satan places that make me doubt God's goodness in this situation. I will hourly defeat the fear that rises up in me as I think of the practical day to day life this new path will put us on! How will I do that? By hiding these Words He has given me in my heart! By telling myself over and over that He will equip me! He told me so (Heb 13:20)! By telling satan I will not go back to the city from which I came that was filled with doubt and fear and mistrust! I will press forward to the new county that God has for me - the one flowing with milk and honey - and I will trust Him to take me there no matter who or what circumstances threaten to block my path (Heb 11:15-16)! I will not walk in a way that makes God ashamed, but instead, I will walk the path that makes God look at Jesus, jab him in the side with His Holy elbow and say, "That's my daughter!" as he grins from ear to ear!

Praise You, Father! How I love you! Let's get to walking!

It may be an all-nighter!

There is a really important meeting in Liberia this week regarding adoptions! It is "our" chance - the pro side of adoption to be heard. There is a new Justice Minister that has been named. She is looking over many issues that have been dealt with in Liberia - and lucky for us, adoption is one of them. She knows there are things that haven't gone as they were supposed to - like us paying money directly to the Ministry of Health - which is not supposed to be done according to government protocol. Eva Morgan has already been removed from her post at the Justice Ministry - Praise God!! She is the one who said, "This is not America. They don't need to eat three times a day." And in a meeting I was in and heard for myself, she said, "Poverty is no reason for placing a child for adoption. Why do we have so many adoptions? Do we need more support for families?" Duh!!!!!!

But even with her gone, we still have the people in charge at the Ministry of Health who are totally corrupt. We need to be heard at this meeting. We will be dining with the enemies...but that's ok because Psalm 23:5 says that even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. God guides and protects me, and He has prepared a table before my enemies. My cup overflows! Praise God!

I believe this is what we have been waiting for! President Sirleaf was warned by me as well as other key people that listening to those on the Presidential Adoption Committee would cause her great embarrassment. She has been listening to lies of the corrupt. And as Psalm 10 promises: "You [God] have seen it, for You have beheld mischief and vexation to take it into Your hand
The unfortunate commits himself to You; You have been the helper of the orphan. Break the arm of the wicked and the evildoer, seek out his wickedness until You find none. The LORD is King forever and ever; nations have perished from His land. O LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will strengthen their heart, You will incline Your ear to vindicate the orphan and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth will no longer cause terror." Hallelujah!

So please pray! Pray that the truth will be told and heard. Pray that those in attendance of the meeting will be open to hearing the side of the adoption service providers that has been silenced by those in power. Pray that God will open the doors wide for the children of Liberia to be helped through adoption.

I will be fasting and praying July 16 for the meeting and all those in attendance. There are some adoptive parents who have flown over there to attend the meeting. We have one family, but there are some from other agencies as well. Pray that they are heard. We also have one of our older boys going to speak. Pray for him, his name is Prince. Pray that He would speak the heart of God and be bold for all the orphans he represents! He is an amazing young man!

I'm excited! For the first time since the turn over of the orphanage, God has shown me a glimpse of what all the letters I have written and the battles I have fought might be about to help accomplish. The coolest thing? Maria Luiken of WACSN, who is Liberian, is responsible for this meeting! I have always wanted the Liberians to lead the charge. Maria is an amazing women! She is very much responsible for my son being home. She has been under great warfare as she has battled for the children. We may not agree on everything, Maria and I, but the two things we very much see eye to eye on is: 1) we work and fight for children! We do this because we are called of God and love the children of Liberia and 2) we don't care anything about who getting the credit for the battles, we just want the victory! We just want the band lifted and the corruption stopped so safe adoptions for children can pursue! May it be, in Jesus Name!

Will you fast and pray with me? We need warriors! Pass this along, please! We all know that truly, these people in power are not who we are fighting for they only have the power God allows them to have! Our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the powerful forces of evil in this dark world! We need warriors praying to send these evil forces back to the abyss!

Can you tell I'm excited! :) God is bringing a new thing....a stream in the desert! That is the first thing I thought of when Maria called and we talked and I knew that this meeting really is crucial. So this may be an all-nighter! I have five years of documentation to go through and send to her to get to the Minister for review before the meeting! But Praise God I have documentation of letters written and letters received! The truth is in them! The path of deception and corruption can be found weaved in them....and it's time for it to be told! Praise God!

For the "professional" version of the meeting prayer request :) go to our Addy's Hope News Blog.

My prayer....

No one told me that in adoption work adoptive parents would be supportive until things went wrong, and those parents that sang your praises when things went right would be the first to slit your throat when things beyond your control went wrong. No one told me in ministry that the Christians would be the hardest to deal with. My only escape and comfort right now are in the words of David who had enemies pursuing him at times as well! So these are my prayers to God, just as David sent them up so many years ago!

Psalm 5
Prayer for Protection from the Wicked.

1Give ear to my words, O LORD,
Consider my groaning.
2Heed the sound of my cry for help, my King and my God,
For to You I pray.
3In the morning, O LORD, You will hear my voice;
In the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch.
4For You are not a God who takes pleasure in wickedness;
No evil dwells with You.
5The boastful shall not stand before Your eyes;
You hate all who do iniquity.
6You destroy those who speak falsehood;
The LORD abhors the man of bloodshed and deceit.
7But as for me, by Your abundant loving kindness I will enter Your house,
At Your holy temple I will bow in reverence for You.
8O LORD, lead me in Your righteousness because of my foes;
Make Your way straight before me.
9There is nothing reliable in what they say;
Their inward part is destruction itself
Their throat is an open grave;
They flatter with their tongue.
10Hold them guilty, O God;
By their own devices let them fall!
In the multitude of their transgressions thrust them out,
For they are rebellious against You.
11But let all who take refuge in You be glad,
Let them ever sing for joy;
And may You shelter them,
That those who love Your name may exult in You.
12For it is You who blesses the righteous man, O LORD,
You surround him with favor as with a shield.
Psalm 6
Prayer for Mercy in Time of Trouble.

1O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger,
Nor chasten me in Your wrath.
2Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am pining away;
Heal me, O LORD, for my bones are dismayed.
3And my soul is greatly dismayed;
But You, O LORD--how long?
4Return, O LORD, rescue my soul;
Save me because of Your loving kindness.
5For there is no mention of You in death;
In Sheol who will give You thanks?
6I am weary with my sighing;
Every night I make my bed swim,
I dissolve my couch with my tears.
7My eye has wasted away with grief;
It has become old because of all my adversaries.
8Depart from me, all you who do iniquity,
For the LORD has heard the voice of my weeping.
9The LORD has heard my supplication,
The LORD receives my prayer.
10All my enemies will be ashamed and greatly dismayed;
They shall turn back, they will suddenly be ashamed.

Can I ask you to pray for my, my Liberian staff, my husband and our board as we seek God's way to deal with these issues? Pray for us that we would have the heart and mind of Christ as we deal with the false accusations that can have devastating effects on the children who remain in the home and need us to care for them. Pray that God would silence the mouths of the lying and wicked as it says in the Psalms. Pray that He would raise up warriors to fight for these children even against the falseness that is being spread here in the US.

If you don't think adoptions are of the heart of God, talk to someone who works in adoptions...listen to the stories of the attacks...even internal ones...they rarely come from the "world" in my experience. The enemy is determined to destroy adoptions. If we don't have warriors raising up to fight this battle on our knees, we will lose. Please pray with us!

Aristotle visits Liberia

Criticism is something we can avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, being nothing. ~Aristotle

I don't usually quote Aristotle, but this was in a book I am reading and hit home. I imagine this will end up on a canvas in my office! This has been one of the hardest lessons of the ministry I am in and the government work God has called me to in Liberia. So often, I know without a doubt what God is calling me to do, yet it goes against the positive public opinion. Many times it is just because when you sit in different seats you see different angles. Sitting in the seat I am in as adoption professional, been there done that adoptive parent, and person talking to the government officials, I have a different angle than many of my critics. I am also charged with the job of caring for all children, not just my personal ones who I want to adopt. I know I made this same mistake as an adoptive parent talking to my adoption agency. I just wanted Eden home, well Eden and the other two children who were being adopted when I want to get Eden. But those to come after them really weren't my concern, but they should have been.

I have been quiet many times for fear of backlash. But what God has revealed to me over the past few weeks is that the only fear that is appropriate, is fear of HIM! He is the one holding Victory in His hands. He brought this home again over Easter. He has conquered the grave. That same spirit that raised Jesus from death lives in me! Why do I have fear of man? Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world!

There are two people that I have dealt with in Liberia who have amazed me time and again at their actions. One is just two people removed from the President. He is a Deputy Minister which is like the officials in the US government who are directly under Secretaries of the different government entities such as the Secretary of State. Mr. Joseph Geebro is Deputy Minister of Health and Social Welfare. My first encounter with this man was when a UNICEF worker advised him to put the passports of my son and the other 8 children being adopted with him on hold. He is the reason that we almost did not get to bring Toben home. He is the reason all of our adoptive families had to pay thousands of dollars to have their plane tickets changed plus the expense of staying in Liberia an extended time. However, I am pleased to say that God has replaced that money! It was His anyway! But that was just the beginning.

Since that time, this man has continually stepped in the way of Liberian children receiving care. In just our tiny organization in Liberia he has held our container captive ultimately requiring us to pay $7,000 in taxes to get what should have been a duty free container out of port. Thus he stopped the construction of a school for the children of Margibi County in Liberia. That $7,000 was going to build the walls and desks to complete the school. So thanks to Mr. Geebro, the children of Marbigi County still don't have a free school on the road to Marshall. The shell sits there, waiting for us to have the funds to complete it and open it. The Ministry of Education in Liberia is so excited about our efforts. Unlike the Ministry of Health, they have been so supportive and told us that they will help in any way they can to see that our efforts to help the Liberian children are successful. What a concept!

The next major intervention of Mr. Geebro came as the death of Matthew, a precious little boy that God entrusted to our care. Matthew's parents had been to three other organizations begging for help, but had been turned away. We were the first ones to say we would take him and all that entailed. He was our first special needs baby. Matthew taught me more than any other child we have had in our care! Matthew will live on in my heart forever...he will be memorialized in many of the actions I take as he is the motivation for them! Matthew lost his fight for life when the Ministry of Health, specifically, Geebro's office and a lady that works for him Ms. Lydia Sherman, refused to allow Matthew to travel to Ghana for the medical care he so desperately needed. We had done everything we knew to do for Matthew. We were not comfortable with Matthew having surgery in Liberia as we were concerned about what would be found when he was opened. However, unknown to me at the time, another US organization was working with the Ministry of Health. This organization was putting Matthew on their blog as if they were in charge of his care....not paying a dime or providing any food or workers for his care....but claiming he was in their care. I am pretty sure that is called fraud, but once again, any words I said in this situation made me out to be the bad guy, back to that criticism quote, while I was the one who had been fighting for Matthew all along! I was the one paying personally for his care when the agency couldn't afford it. I was the one doing the fundraiser to raise the $2,000 he needed for medical care. Which by the way, the amazing foundation called the Hext Foundation, made sure Matthew had all he needed....yet Geebro and Sherman said, NO! He can't leave because he might disappear. Disappear??? He was traveling with the woman that THEY sent to us! We were just working under what we though were their efforts to save Matthew only to find out they would block his care! I was furious! But remained silent for fear of retaliation and because of other people here affected by Matthew's death who would later turn on me as well...another lesson of how pleasing God is the ONLY way to be motivated..people are fickle! The Ministry of Health along with this organization in the US would arrange for Matthew to have surgery in Liberia and would remove him from our custody. Within only three days of Matthew being placed in the care of this other organization at the demand of the Liberian Ministry of Health, Matthew was gone. He lost the battle with life. Lydia herself told us that the home was not fit for foster children and the conditions Matthew were in were not sanitary. Really? Then why did you order him to go there? Aren't you charged with caring for the children of Liberia? Isn't that the whole purpose of the MINISTRY OF HEALTH AND SOCIAL WELFARE?!

Then most recently, Geebro has been accused of taking the government subsidy checks for 18 orphanages over the past 9 months. The Ministry of Health was supposed to close down these orphanages and relocate/reunify the children. But guess what? He didn't! The children are still in the care of these orphanages, the only difference? Geebro took their money! The man in charge of seeing to the well-being of Liberian children was pocketing the money given by the government to feed them. Did you see that in the Liberian papers? Of course not! Why? Because we are afraid? Afraid of what he will do since his office is in "control" of adoptions.

Well, I'm not afraid anymore! You know why? Because as I was reading my Bible this morning, I started counting the number of times I have "Geebro" written in my Bible. Why? Because as I read, God gave me promises over this man over the past2.5 years! You see, God doesn't take kindly at all to people messing with His orphans! In fact, God says it is better for a man to tie a heavy brick around his leg and jump in a lake than to cause one of his little ones harm! God also says in Proverbs 25 that the Redeemer is strong and will not plead the case of anyone who goes into the field of the fatherless. Now, these officials may not be afraid of me, and they may not think I have any power over them, but God sure does! They may get by with this for awhile, but God will have the final say....just as He did at the Resurrection! Praise God!

So here are a few places where Geebro is written in my Bible:

• Proverbs 22 ~ Do not rob the poor because he is poor, or crush the afflicted at the gate; for the Lord will plead their case and take the life of those who rob them. ~ In Jesus Name!


• Proverbs 11 ~ The righteousness of the blameless will smooth his way, but the wicked will fall by his own wickedness. ~ In Jesus Name!


• Proverbs 10 ~ He who walks in the integrity walks securely, but he who perverts his ways will be found out. ~ In Jesus Name! ~ Doing wickedness is like sport to a fool...what the wicked fears will come upon him, but the desire of the righteous will be granted. ~ In Jesus Name! ~ The way of the Lord is a stronghold (protection) to the upright, but ruin to the workers of iniquity ~ In Jesus Name!

And that is just in Proverbs! These are God's promises to me! This is what God has said to me when I have said, should we forget about adoption in Liberia? Should we cave to the demands of UNICEF and Save the Children as they make demands on these government officials if they want to keep their money! I have spoken to NUMEROUS senators, the Minister of Health the advisor to the President, even the Vice President of Liberia. They all know what this man is doing yet he holds his position! I pity these leaders when they get to judgement day as the blood of Matthew as well as the numerous other children who have been denied life because of the direct actions or their careless attitude toward the complaints brought to them about Geebro's office! God will have the final say regardless of what is done or not done on this earth!

The battle has been lonely lately! We have a group of adoption service providers. We are working together, a huge miracle in and of itself! But we are all weary as well. We feel like our efforts to help the children of Liberia are blocked at every angle and the ones with power in Liberia are really not concerned about the children. Like in any political game, they are not the "hot topic", so they get ignored. Adoptive parents are weary. Of course! Many have had their lives on hold for two years or more. That is eternity when you are waiting on a child! It wears you down and wears you out. There are really no words to describe it. When you are in that place, you want someone to blame. And I am the easiest person. I become the bad guy. That makes the battle even lonelier.

But then I read the quote again. Even when it is the people I am helping who want to turn against me, I still must fight on. Why? Because it is the children who need me...and ultimately, it is God I work for, not man! I have been silent because I felt maybe the crowd was right...maybe we needed to be silent and let the "system" work. Well, we are 15 months into a halt on adoptions that has seen the death of at least two children and who knows how many countless others that those of us funded by adoption fees could have helped but didn't because we have no money and our homes are full. Fifteen months into this, being quiet hasn't helped! As I was reading and praying about what to do, Proverbs 31:8-9 came to mind. I looked it up. "Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all the unfortunate. Open your mouth, judge righteously, and defend the rights of the afflicted and needy." These kids are the mute! They are the unfortunate, the afflicted and needy! It is not just the kids, it is their families! They put them in our care because the conditions of Liberia and the neglect of the government brought them to a place of desperation! Proverbs 31 doesn't say be silent and wait. It says open your mouth and defend! I don't know what all that means right now, but I know sitting and waiting is over! Even if I have to go alone, God will give me the sling shot and stones to defend the giant if no army will fight with me.

If you are reading this, would you pray these scriptures with me? It is in God's Word that heaven is moved and battles are won. My bubbly, always smiling children are now forlorn and downcast. They are losing hope! I refuse to stand by while that happens! Pray with me about the next step. Is it a media campaign to expose the officials in Liberia? We have not done that because we have wanted to "play fair" while those on the other side publish untrue accounts of adoption agencies and the mistreatment/trafficking of children while they take the food right out of their mouths and we remain silent. Pray that Madam President would somehow see this post and know the acts of those in her Cabinet toward the children of her country. Pray that those here in the US dancing with the enemy would read this and tell Geebro and his office so they too can read it and hear the Word of God. Pray for their hearts to be changed. Pilot was made for the day of evil, I often wonder if that is true of these people who have all experienced the wonderful American life, whose families are still here in America while they block the poor of Liberia from being adopted and coming to have that same freedom and privilege their families enjoy. Have they too been made for the day of evil that God can use them in the same way He used Pilot, or will God use what is about to come in their demise to turn their hearts to Him and bring them to their knees and ultimately back to relationship with Him.

Pray with me! Write your Senators here in the US! Why when we are going trillions in debt are we sending millions to Liberia for them to eat the food of the children? Write your local media! Put a link to this on your blogs....to steal a Buckner motto...DO SOMETHING! Please!

God, forgive us for remaining silent. Guide us in Your ways as we seek to move forward. Silent us when we should be silent give us stones when we need to slay the giant! ~In Jesus Name ~ Amen and Amen!

Prayers for Liberia

Today I am starting my fasting and praying for Liberia that will last through Saturday. I would love for you to join me! The timing of this is not random. Tomorrow and Saturday will be the dates of an Adoption Symposium in Liberia. Here are some of the people in Liberia who are involved:

Sponsored by: The Foundation for Human Rights (FOHRD)
The Catholic Justice and Peace Commission (JPC) and
The Child Protection Alliance of Liberia (CPAL)

Co-Sponsored by: The Liberia Council of Churches, National Muslim Council of Liberia, Liberia Democratic Institute – (LDI), Female Lawyers Association of Liberia – (AFLL)

In Association with: Adoption Services Providers; Child Advocacy International; National Union of Liberian Orphanages and Children Welfare Institute; Children Assistance Program; Mano River Women Network for Peace; Liberian Girls Guide Association; Boy Scouts of Liberia; Liberia National Student Union; Varsity Christian Fellowship; Christian Health Association of Liberia; Young Men’s Christian Association; Young Women’s Christian Association.

The symposium is a two day interactive round table discussion intended to discuss and dialogue on the Liberian Children’s Bill. Principally, the symposium will aim at ensuring that the evolving Children’s Law serves the best interest of the Liberian child. The event will bring together, legislators, policymakers, child rights advocates, Supreme Court Justices, religious leaders, parents and children services providers mainly for the purpose of: a) critically reviewing the draft children bill; b) providing advice to legislators on the rethinking and rewording of specific aspects of the bill that may not be in the best interest of the Liberian child; and c) adopting concrete action programs that will facilitate the scrupulous implementation of the bill when it is passed into law.

Speakers at the symposium will share insights and experiences as well as address the most pressing challenges facing the Liberian Child. Following the deliberations, participants will convene in group sessions and work out recommendations and suggestions to strengthen the children’s Bill and educate and advice legislators on the thinking of a broad spectrum of the Liberian society regarding the draft bill.

A huge thanks and God Bless goes out to WACSN for coordinating this event! The most exciting thing about this whole deal is that it is the Liberians doing it!!!! That has been my prayer forever! We needed the Liberians carrying the torch on that side with us carrying it on this side, united and working together! That has happened! I am so excited about that!

I have always been transparent on here, so no time to stop now! If you are like me, fasting is still a new spiritual practice! You may not totally understand it. I'm still learning also! It doesn't mean you have to refrain from all food for four days! You can really fast from anything...tv, spending, food, caffeine, sugar, etc. It is just a way to focus on God, a way to deny other cravings and replace them with a desire for God and a relationship with Him.

One of the reasons I haven't posted a lot about Liberia is that God clearly told me to step back. He told me to put my focus on licensing here in Texas and getting everything in order for when adoptions do open in Liberia as well as working toward domestic licensing to work on getting the 600+ kids in Texas legally eligible for adoption into permanent adoptive homes. So I have done that. I fully believe it is one more way God has humbled me. I worked and worked...nothing really happened. I believe there were foundations laid by all of us working in this battle. I believe we can all feel blessed by the par that we played, but God waited until I took a back seat before He really opened up the flood gates of movement! Just a reminder that while I must obey and fight when He says to, the battle belongs to HIM! I am so thankful for Angel Rutledge and her willingness to work with me along with Linda from WACSN and many others in Liberia! Those who decided to put aside differences and the "competition" that so often plagues this type of ministry to work toward a common goal!

Over the past week as the preparations for this symposium have gone on. God has taken me back to scriptures that I have marked in my Bible concerning Liberian and specifically Addy's Hope. Some are dated as far back as 2006. Scriptures that I believe he gave me as promises for the work we do over there and promises for the people of Liberia. Those who know me, know that I have come to love Liberia as much as I do my own country. My heart for the Liberians is ever growing as I learn more and more about their plight and their fears of the future!

So it is with that attitude and humble heart that I will be entering into this time of fasting and praying. I will share with you here the scriptures I will be praying for the people of Liberia and specifically the adoption symposium. If you have other prayers you feel God has laid on your heart, or specific scriptures, please feel free to post them in comments so others can see them and pray them as well! I fully believe this battle will be fought and won in prayer followed by earthly action! The battle for adoption goes way beyond the legalities of Liberia! Satan wants to see it shut down everywhere...it is one of the few things in this world that so clearly shows the love of God in a tangible way to the hurting world!

"For you will spread about to the right and to the left. And your descendants will possess nations and will resettle the desolate cities.' ~Is 54:3

"All your sons will be taught of the Lord; and the well-being of your sons will be great. In righteousness you will be established; you will be far from oppression, fr you will npt fear; and from terror, for it will not come near you. If anyone fiercely assails you, it ill not be from Me. Whoever assails you will fall because of you...no weapon that is formed against you will prosper; and every tongue that accuses you in judgement you will condemn. And their vindication is from Me, "declares the Lord." ~Is 54:13-15

Amen and Amen

Battles and Perspectives

Today is a rough day! This is Toben and Ava's last day at their current Mother's Day out program. They have many friends there and Toben has amazing teachers! Ms. Becca even cried when we told her we were leaving..touched my heart more than she can ever know! As an inter-racial family we get many responses and to have another person love my African son in that manner just makes my heart sing...and then break since I am moving him.

I have agonized and agonized over this decision. About the time I would think I am over reacting and I need to just let it drop, God puts a lesson in my inbox or in another lesson I am listening to about fighting. The post from the Proverbs 31 devotion is one example. Another is a Beth Moore Podcast that I listened to on a recent trip. She stressed over and over that at this time in Western Christianity, we need fighters! Her words were, "We are in desperate need of warriors, not whiners!" Then she repeated over and over, "We have to STEP UP! STEP UP!" A wrong was done at their Mother's Day out program. Two specific children with special needs were discriminated against, one was my daughter. The only choice given to me was to move my child (which I was informed would result in a speedy replacement for their program) or leave my job every time Ava needed her diaper changed. Could I do that? Yes, I could, but should I? I don't think so. Should I remove just Ava and let Toben stay? Why would I leave him in a program that seems to have no concern for children with needs or really in the development of a child. I was very sarcastically asked when the issue was being discussed with the director if I had found any program in Midland that would take a three year old who was not potty trained. In fact, I did! Four out of the five I spoke to did not require her to be potty trained (even without a medical condition) and one of them that did said they would make an allowance for her since she has a medical condition keeping her from being on target currently. And the more research I did, the more I found that no child development professional says that children who are not potty trained by 3 are behind! Most state that children will usually be trained between the ages of 2 and 4.

So am I doing the right thing? I wish I could say without a doubt that I am. I can't. But I do know that God needs more people to step up for what is right! So many of the things that I have had to step in and fight for would not have even occurred if the people before me had fought or even just informed others instead of laying down and taking the easy, less conflict path. Just a few of these are the halt on adoptions in Liberia and the agency we used to adopt Eden and Addy that resulted in a denied visa. Because of these experiences, God has placed with in me a willingness to fight a battle even when I may not see the positive outcome of the results, but those who come after me will. That is why I am doing what I am doing at the school.

The other thing I consider on this tough day is perspective. I was reminded that even my adoptive parents don't understand why I want to fight the Liberian government for the rights of the Liberian children and the oppressed people of Liberia. It's not that they don't know the problems. It is that they see a different perspective than I can see. Because of confidentiality among other things, they cannot know all that I know about the officials that I have been called by God to expose. They see their adoptions. The same is true with me and God.

In this little situation with my children and their school, I just see how it effects my kids. The easier road would be to leave them there. But what I don't see is the bigger picture that God sees. There may be a real reason He needs me to remove my children as a statement that intolerance of children with minor needs should not be tolerated, or a director not communicating expectations to parents is not a good way to run a program. I don't know. But I know that God has impressed on me that laying down and letting this incident go without notice is not ok.

So with a heavy heart that the actions of adults have caused my children heartache, I will pick them up today and take them to their new school on Tuesday.

Oh, AND this afternoon we meet with one of Callie's teachers who continues to refuse to follow policies set by the school or provide Callie with all the materials she needs to complete requirements.

Add on top of that my conviction (only mine...I don't judge those without the conviction and wish those without it wouldn't judge me...) to not participate in Halloween in any way on a day when the little kids are having costume parades, and I am beat up before my day even begins today. Well, that is not accurate! I have just had to use my armor a lot already this morning and have a few arrows stuck in my shield of faith and belt of truth where I fended off the attacks from the enemy saying that I should compromise just this once..its not a big deal to put them in some dress-up clothes...well, that would be true except God says NO! Weary of fighting? Me too!

But if I don't fight for my children, who will? As I put on my face book status when all this was coming to a head...this reminds me of the 143 million children who don't have parents fighting for them! And my heart breaks again!

Battles

Sometimes it is easier just to give into the battles to stop the fighting. Its not the right thing to do, but somedays, the battle just seems too strong. Today is one of those days..actually this week seems to be one of those weeks!

Hopefully tomorrow will be a new day full of hope! Please, Lord!

Calling all prayer warriors!

We need all of you prayer warriors to hit your knees for the people of Liberia! The battle is fierce! I have never experienced anything like this in my life to even compare it to except through my work in Liberia. In my time with God this morning, He impressed on me the dire need for prayer in order to defeat the powers of darkness that are seeking to keep these people captive....not just captive here in this world, but more importantly, captive for eternity! I know it is hard to imagine in this day and age that there are people who have never heard the gospel, but I have learned of a county in Liberia where that is so! God has sent two men our direction who are working there, diving connections that only God could bring about. I pray we have the opportunity to work there.

This is what God gave me this morning that I would ask that you pray with me for the people of Liberia!

"How blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God, who made heaven and earth, the sea and all that is in them; who keeps faith forever; who executes justice for the oppressed; who gives food to the hungry. The Lord sets the prisoners free. The Lord opens the eyes of the blind...He supports the fatherless and the widow, but He thwarts the way of the wicked," Psalm 146 (emphasis mine)

Praise God! I have to say that after a couple of weeks of trying to pretend like I never heard of a little country called Liberia because I am just so weary of the battles, my spirit is soaring this morning! I am ready for the battle! But I need an army! I need prayer warriors! If you would pray for Addy's Hope, Kami and Jeremy who are there now on the front lines fighting the battle to get the new home and school up, Amos who is our country director and has to fight this battle every day on the front lines: a battle that really we can't even comprehend here in America, if you would pray for us, would you leave me a comment?...just so I can know in the bad times that there are people praying.

Headed to battle!