CallieAnn, my 17 year old daughter, and I were driving to the Celebration of Life service for the mother of one of CallieAnn's friends. This isn't just "some" friend, but one of her closest friends. She is one of the ones that spent enough time at our house that I consider her an honorary daughter and not just a friend of CallieAnn's. CallieAnn was making fun of me as I bawled as I drove because she had just played the new Ed Sheeran song Supermarket Flowers. If you haven't hear it, go listen! But grab the kleenex first!
It got quiet as we both reflect on where we were headed. Than CallieAnn said, "You know, we sure have had a lot of tragedy in our family!" I kind of glanced at her and said, "No, we really haven't had much tragedy at all." I mean we haven't loss many people. John's and my grandparents are really the only deaths we have faced, and they died when most of our children were not yet born and those who had been were young. But as CallieAnn clarified what she meant, I realized it wasn't tragedy that she was talking about, but trauma. We haven't had a lot of tragedy, but we have had more than our fair share of trauma...chaos.
And her next question was, "Why?" And immediately I knew the answer was obedience.
We talked for a few minutes about how we have chosen a life of obedience that has meant life was not comfortable. It really made me think about how we truly have said yes to God in so many ways that meant some sort of trauma entered out home. It has changed my children. It has exposed them to things that I know many work to shelter their children from. I have struggled from time to time knowing that our choices have brought heartache and trauma to our children that they would have avoided had we just chosen the safe path versus the obedient path.
I see so many articles on social media by well-meaning Christians warning about the "dangers" of this and the "dangers" of that. But every time I read one of those I have to ask myself, are we as Christians, charged with protecting our families? Are we supposed to view our life experiences through a lense of protection? I really don't see that to be the example we were left with in how Christ walked out His life.
He walked with the ones no one else would walk with! His followers were imprisoned for the obedience they chose. CallieAnn's question just made me ponder if in America we have chosen to value comfort over obedience. When I meet Jesus face to face, I want to be hear that I said yes when He asked not that I chose the safe path...even if it means life is not comfortable.
Showing posts with label life lessons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life lessons. Show all posts
Sunday, March 5, 2017
Monday, March 16, 2015
Alive and Active
I had to smile as I pulled up my blog to write this post! The title of the last post was "still waiting". You will see the irony in that in just a minute!
One of Ava's biggest struggles is memory. Learning math facts, memorizing spelling words, things like that are a real struggle. And she may have it down today, but then tomorrow it may be as if we never even talked about it.
So yesterday when I picked her up from her church service and she told me she got an extra treat because she already said her memory verse, I am sure I had a puzzled look on my face. She danced around with that light that shines so brightly in her saying, "I already memorized it! I did it during the service! I know it already!" Then she proceeds to say it....."Wait on the Lord, be strong and courageous. Wait on the Lord Psalm 27 dot, dot 14" (she really says "dot, dot"!!) I was impressed. But can I confess there was a thought that passed through my mind that went something like, "we'll see if she can still say it in the morning."
She proceeded to repeat it all throughout the evening last night. Enough, that I now have it memorized! And my memory is mediocre at best! God in His ever humbling ways brought this exact verse to mind just this morning as I was becoming impatient with some circumstances in my life and wanted to just run away from them! "Wait on the Lord! be strong (some translations then say) and don't lose hope. Wait on the Lord." One of the things that Ava said when she told us she memorized it was that God said "Wait on the Lord" twice! John reminded her that when God repeats himself, He really wants us to listen!
Again, God has used my children to teach me a couple of valuable lessons! First, the Word of God is alive and active! It is sharper than a double edged sword and will divide bone and marrow. No, Ava may not be able to remember that 4+6=10, but the Word of God being alive and active planted itself in the deepest recess of who she is and easily comes to her mind...even this morning after sleeping on it! And second, Miss Ava reminded me that waiting on God is important....after all, He said it twice!
One of Ava's biggest struggles is memory. Learning math facts, memorizing spelling words, things like that are a real struggle. And she may have it down today, but then tomorrow it may be as if we never even talked about it.
So yesterday when I picked her up from her church service and she told me she got an extra treat because she already said her memory verse, I am sure I had a puzzled look on my face. She danced around with that light that shines so brightly in her saying, "I already memorized it! I did it during the service! I know it already!" Then she proceeds to say it....."Wait on the Lord, be strong and courageous. Wait on the Lord Psalm 27 dot, dot 14" (she really says "dot, dot"!!) I was impressed. But can I confess there was a thought that passed through my mind that went something like, "we'll see if she can still say it in the morning."
She proceeded to repeat it all throughout the evening last night. Enough, that I now have it memorized! And my memory is mediocre at best! God in His ever humbling ways brought this exact verse to mind just this morning as I was becoming impatient with some circumstances in my life and wanted to just run away from them! "Wait on the Lord! be strong (some translations then say) and don't lose hope. Wait on the Lord." One of the things that Ava said when she told us she memorized it was that God said "Wait on the Lord" twice! John reminded her that when God repeats himself, He really wants us to listen!
Again, God has used my children to teach me a couple of valuable lessons! First, the Word of God is alive and active! It is sharper than a double edged sword and will divide bone and marrow. No, Ava may not be able to remember that 4+6=10, but the Word of God being alive and active planted itself in the deepest recess of who she is and easily comes to her mind...even this morning after sleeping on it! And second, Miss Ava reminded me that waiting on God is important....after all, He said it twice!
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Coffee with Mary
Christmas has always made me reflect on Mary with admiration and wonder. As an unmarried young woman in her 20's I always wondered what it would be like to have been Mary. Unmarried, virgin, visited by an angel and told that you would give birth to the Savior or the World while remaining a virgin! The Holy Spirit himself would create a child within your womb. That initial news must have been so amazing! God chose her out of all the women in the world! An angel came and visited her! She was going to be the mother of a baby who would save the world! There had to be some joy and amazing awe that God himself would choose you to be the mother of His Son! And her response is with all the humility, obedience and respect that I pray I would answer God with at any request He asked of me, "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be as you have said."
I have spent three Christmases now in one stage or another of pregnancy. Again, I would reflect on Mary and how amazing that first Christmas must have been as God was made man and came to earth! Stars showed the way to him. Men bowed before him. But I would imagine, to Mary, he was still just her baby boy!
Who wouldn't say yes to a precious baby? I mean, in that moment when the angel came, I would imagine that Mary was overwhelmed with thankfulness for the opportunity to be "the one"! As Christmas approaches this year, I again find myself reflecting on Mary. But in a new way now. I don't think about the Mary who stood in awe and appreciation before the angel and accepted the honor of being the mother of Jesus or the Mary who gazed lovingly into the eyes of her newborn baby boy. Instead, I think of the Mary who stood before Joseph trying to convince him that she truly had been visited by an angel and was still a virgin even though she is pregnant. I think of the Mary who was quite possibly excommunicated from her family and her church. I think about the Mary who rode on a donkey in the last stages of pregnancy. I think of the Mary who had to deliver her baby in a stable while next door to an Inn that had rooms filled with people who God had provided "adequate" shelter for that night. I think about the Mary who frantically looked for her 12 year old son only to find him back at the temple. And I think of the Mary who watched as her son was beaten and then hung on the cross.
This season of life has been by far the hardest I have ever walked. Hard because of the emotional, physical, financial and spiritual demands. Hard because life doesn't look in just about any way how I had imagined it. There is really nothing in this season that is easy or going how I would hope it would go. And then hard because all that is making life really hard are the things God called me to do. Life is hard because I said yes!
John took me to an amazing Christmas concert with Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith. It was the first time I had been able to really sit and enjoy Christmas like I long to do! This truly is the most wonderful time of the year! Even before I was married, Breath of Heaven had become one of my all time favorite Christmas songs. I sang it at many Christmas events and as a Sunday special years ago! As Amy Grant began to sing, I really listened to the words in a new light!
" I have traveled many moonless night, cold and weary....and I wonder what I've done!" As soon as I heard those words, I had a burning desire to have coffee with Mary! I would love to sit down with her and talk about all she thought and felt through the entire process! Surely, the confident affirmative response to the angel at some point gave way to doubt and fear as the reality of what her "yes" had meant!
"I am waiting in a silent prayer, I am frightened by the load I bear...must I walk this path alone?" When the magnitude of what she had committed to became reality, did Mary buckle under fear and loneliness? As I head those words, I thought back to just a few nights before as I sat crying out to God as I was overwhelmed with all that life requires right now as mother to 9, wife to 1 and advocate for thousands. Did Mary feel this way? Did she even regret her "yes" on some days?
"Do you wonder as you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place?" That has been my heart's cry for weeks now! God, truly you have over estimated me! Oh God, surely there was someone more qualified to parent these children, to be wife to this man! Surely someone with fewer kids should be the one advocating for the thousands! Surely, God, someone wiser, and more energetic, and more organized, and more......should be doing this! Did Mary really feel that way too? At any point did she look to heaven and ask, "would a loving God ask me to bear this much hurt?" If she had known the path that her "yes" took her down, would she have said yes that day the angel visited? Maybe it's just to make me feel less alone in my weakness, but I think maybe she had days, or moments at least, where she wondered why she said yes! In the moments of loneliness, rejection and sorrow, I like to think that as a human, Mary did waiver in her resolve to carry out this plan God had for her. I like to think that because it makes me feel less alone in my days of doubt. When I have had days of battles with children who have no impulse control and days of trying to console babies who don't want to be consoled because they have already learned how to "do it alone" and days of wondering if there will ever be time to pour into a marriage that has felt the effects of adding 5 kids in three years. Oh how I wish I could sit down with Mary and ask her how she did it!
But I think I already know. Just as the song continues, "But I offer all I am, for the mercy of your plan, Help me be strong, help me be, help me......Breath of heaven, hold me together, be forever near me...Breath of heaven lighten my darkness, pour over me Your holiness, for You are holy!" When the "yes" took more than Mary thought she could provide, I am sure she turned back to the Provider who asked her for the "yes" in the first place! She knew the answers to continuing the path she had started on was in the relationship with the One who asked her to take the first step! And deep down, I know the same is true for me! And what better time to press into my Savior than during the time when we celebrate His birth! So as I clean marker off the wall AGAIN, as I fight my own fatigue and weary emotions to console another toddler tantrum during this time, I find a little encouragement in thinking that Mary probably had some of the same feelings, doubts and frustrations....and know that if I could, I would call her up and ask her to go to coffee!
I have spent three Christmases now in one stage or another of pregnancy. Again, I would reflect on Mary and how amazing that first Christmas must have been as God was made man and came to earth! Stars showed the way to him. Men bowed before him. But I would imagine, to Mary, he was still just her baby boy!
Who wouldn't say yes to a precious baby? I mean, in that moment when the angel came, I would imagine that Mary was overwhelmed with thankfulness for the opportunity to be "the one"! As Christmas approaches this year, I again find myself reflecting on Mary. But in a new way now. I don't think about the Mary who stood in awe and appreciation before the angel and accepted the honor of being the mother of Jesus or the Mary who gazed lovingly into the eyes of her newborn baby boy. Instead, I think of the Mary who stood before Joseph trying to convince him that she truly had been visited by an angel and was still a virgin even though she is pregnant. I think of the Mary who was quite possibly excommunicated from her family and her church. I think about the Mary who rode on a donkey in the last stages of pregnancy. I think of the Mary who had to deliver her baby in a stable while next door to an Inn that had rooms filled with people who God had provided "adequate" shelter for that night. I think about the Mary who frantically looked for her 12 year old son only to find him back at the temple. And I think of the Mary who watched as her son was beaten and then hung on the cross.
This season of life has been by far the hardest I have ever walked. Hard because of the emotional, physical, financial and spiritual demands. Hard because life doesn't look in just about any way how I had imagined it. There is really nothing in this season that is easy or going how I would hope it would go. And then hard because all that is making life really hard are the things God called me to do. Life is hard because I said yes!
John took me to an amazing Christmas concert with Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith. It was the first time I had been able to really sit and enjoy Christmas like I long to do! This truly is the most wonderful time of the year! Even before I was married, Breath of Heaven had become one of my all time favorite Christmas songs. I sang it at many Christmas events and as a Sunday special years ago! As Amy Grant began to sing, I really listened to the words in a new light!
" I have traveled many moonless night, cold and weary....and I wonder what I've done!" As soon as I heard those words, I had a burning desire to have coffee with Mary! I would love to sit down with her and talk about all she thought and felt through the entire process! Surely, the confident affirmative response to the angel at some point gave way to doubt and fear as the reality of what her "yes" had meant!
"I am waiting in a silent prayer, I am frightened by the load I bear...must I walk this path alone?" When the magnitude of what she had committed to became reality, did Mary buckle under fear and loneliness? As I head those words, I thought back to just a few nights before as I sat crying out to God as I was overwhelmed with all that life requires right now as mother to 9, wife to 1 and advocate for thousands. Did Mary feel this way? Did she even regret her "yes" on some days?
"Do you wonder as you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place?" That has been my heart's cry for weeks now! God, truly you have over estimated me! Oh God, surely there was someone more qualified to parent these children, to be wife to this man! Surely someone with fewer kids should be the one advocating for the thousands! Surely, God, someone wiser, and more energetic, and more organized, and more......should be doing this! Did Mary really feel that way too? At any point did she look to heaven and ask, "would a loving God ask me to bear this much hurt?" If she had known the path that her "yes" took her down, would she have said yes that day the angel visited? Maybe it's just to make me feel less alone in my weakness, but I think maybe she had days, or moments at least, where she wondered why she said yes! In the moments of loneliness, rejection and sorrow, I like to think that as a human, Mary did waiver in her resolve to carry out this plan God had for her. I like to think that because it makes me feel less alone in my days of doubt. When I have had days of battles with children who have no impulse control and days of trying to console babies who don't want to be consoled because they have already learned how to "do it alone" and days of wondering if there will ever be time to pour into a marriage that has felt the effects of adding 5 kids in three years. Oh how I wish I could sit down with Mary and ask her how she did it!
But I think I already know. Just as the song continues, "But I offer all I am, for the mercy of your plan, Help me be strong, help me be, help me......Breath of heaven, hold me together, be forever near me...Breath of heaven lighten my darkness, pour over me Your holiness, for You are holy!" When the "yes" took more than Mary thought she could provide, I am sure she turned back to the Provider who asked her for the "yes" in the first place! She knew the answers to continuing the path she had started on was in the relationship with the One who asked her to take the first step! And deep down, I know the same is true for me! And what better time to press into my Savior than during the time when we celebrate His birth! So as I clean marker off the wall AGAIN, as I fight my own fatigue and weary emotions to console another toddler tantrum during this time, I find a little encouragement in thinking that Mary probably had some of the same feelings, doubts and frustrations....and know that if I could, I would call her up and ask her to go to coffee!
Monday, June 23, 2014
Really, I don't go looking for fights.....
I know most people probably read my blog and Facebook posts and think I walk around looking for fights to jump into! Really, I promise, I don't! Maybe in my younger days when my passions were still needing MUCH sanctification, but not now that I am older and really have learned to dislike conflict I would just as soon go about my day minding my own business as to get into a fight. BUT...because God has made me with this passion...and with this inability to let injustice go unnoticed, I find myself...like today...fighting when all I wanted to do was get my exercise!
I never walk in the afternoon, so the timing now has me shaking my head at God. I had some work I wanted to make sure got done, and my days tend to get away from me quickly, or some emergency pops up that has to be handled. So I got my work done before my walk which put me leaving about 1:30. I started not to go..rain showers this morning meant it was way muggy...but determined to get this weight off and having NO KIDS at home today, I decided a walk would be good!
I was at about the first mile marker. I was minding my own business...listening to my Bethel sermon as Bill Johnson was starting to pray for people to have torment removed from their life when I see quite a ways down a couple. I couldn't tell if they were teens or young adults. But it was obvious by the dancing they were doing that they were in a fight. So I slowed my pace and removed my ear-buds so I could watch and listen. She took off, he called her back. He jumped up and down some more. She walked off...he stood there a minute, then took off at a full run towards her. I cleared the area from behind the fence just in time to see her turn toward him where he ripped the sunglasses off her face and threw them on the ground shattering them. So I hollered, 'Hey! You! Get away from her!" He runs back to me at full speed....I'm thinking, now what?! But at the same time totally calm. Amazing what knowing you are walking in the power and protection of the Holy Spirit will do!
He starts talking 90 to nothing..."I didn't mean it...it's not what you think...I bought those glasses....my dad beat my mom....just stand here and talk to me..." I kept trying to give my response to each of those, but he just kept talking....when he said that I stopped and said, "I will stand her and talk to you all day long, but you lay one more finger on that girl and I will call the police." She hears that and comes running over, "no don't call anyone. He didn't mean it. It runs in his family. He bought me the glasses."
I finally got her to go home after telling her it's NEVER ok for a man to be aggressive with you while he asked me to help him look for the ring she had evidently thrown in the grass that he had just given her. He said he would call his mom so I could talk to her if I didn't call the police. I stood there...then he took off. So I posted it on our neighborhood FB page. No details. Just a description and the glasses being ripped off part so that hopefully the parents of at least the girl can contact me and I can share with them what I saw so they can know what is going on.
I know some would say I might should've stayed out of it. Well, let me tell you, when you have a daughter who you know is getting the living daylights beat out of her on a regular basis, you tend to look at situations like that and not have the ability to walk away. I think I would have intervened on that level even before having an abused daughter, but now, any young man...or man....who wants to act in an aggressive or abusive way in front of me to any female, better get ready! You can ask my boys, if they hit one of their sisters, they get the wrath of their mother and they have a consequence and they get the lecture...I know we're not supposed to lecture...they get the lecture of how a man should ALWAYS treat a lady! Maybe nothing would've happened beyond what did. But I know there were other people closer than me just watching it happen. I wasn't ok with that. Why? Because when my daughter was being drug through a parking lot by her hair, I wish someone would have knocked the living daylights out of that jerk! When he had his hands around her throat cutting off her air supply while she was pregnant, I wish someone would have stopped him! I still wish someone would intervene!
That teen was someone's daughter. I don't know if they think that is acceptable behavior for her boyfriend or not, but it's not in my books, and I was the one who was there. So I stepped in...to the fight....all I was doing was going for a walk!
I never walk in the afternoon, so the timing now has me shaking my head at God. I had some work I wanted to make sure got done, and my days tend to get away from me quickly, or some emergency pops up that has to be handled. So I got my work done before my walk which put me leaving about 1:30. I started not to go..rain showers this morning meant it was way muggy...but determined to get this weight off and having NO KIDS at home today, I decided a walk would be good!
I was at about the first mile marker. I was minding my own business...listening to my Bethel sermon as Bill Johnson was starting to pray for people to have torment removed from their life when I see quite a ways down a couple. I couldn't tell if they were teens or young adults. But it was obvious by the dancing they were doing that they were in a fight. So I slowed my pace and removed my ear-buds so I could watch and listen. She took off, he called her back. He jumped up and down some more. She walked off...he stood there a minute, then took off at a full run towards her. I cleared the area from behind the fence just in time to see her turn toward him where he ripped the sunglasses off her face and threw them on the ground shattering them. So I hollered, 'Hey! You! Get away from her!" He runs back to me at full speed....I'm thinking, now what?! But at the same time totally calm. Amazing what knowing you are walking in the power and protection of the Holy Spirit will do!
He starts talking 90 to nothing..."I didn't mean it...it's not what you think...I bought those glasses....my dad beat my mom....just stand here and talk to me..." I kept trying to give my response to each of those, but he just kept talking....when he said that I stopped and said, "I will stand her and talk to you all day long, but you lay one more finger on that girl and I will call the police." She hears that and comes running over, "no don't call anyone. He didn't mean it. It runs in his family. He bought me the glasses."
I finally got her to go home after telling her it's NEVER ok for a man to be aggressive with you while he asked me to help him look for the ring she had evidently thrown in the grass that he had just given her. He said he would call his mom so I could talk to her if I didn't call the police. I stood there...then he took off. So I posted it on our neighborhood FB page. No details. Just a description and the glasses being ripped off part so that hopefully the parents of at least the girl can contact me and I can share with them what I saw so they can know what is going on.
I know some would say I might should've stayed out of it. Well, let me tell you, when you have a daughter who you know is getting the living daylights beat out of her on a regular basis, you tend to look at situations like that and not have the ability to walk away. I think I would have intervened on that level even before having an abused daughter, but now, any young man...or man....who wants to act in an aggressive or abusive way in front of me to any female, better get ready! You can ask my boys, if they hit one of their sisters, they get the wrath of their mother and they have a consequence and they get the lecture...I know we're not supposed to lecture...they get the lecture of how a man should ALWAYS treat a lady! Maybe nothing would've happened beyond what did. But I know there were other people closer than me just watching it happen. I wasn't ok with that. Why? Because when my daughter was being drug through a parking lot by her hair, I wish someone would have knocked the living daylights out of that jerk! When he had his hands around her throat cutting off her air supply while she was pregnant, I wish someone would have stopped him! I still wish someone would intervene!
That teen was someone's daughter. I don't know if they think that is acceptable behavior for her boyfriend or not, but it's not in my books, and I was the one who was there. So I stepped in...to the fight....all I was doing was going for a walk!
Sunday, May 4, 2014
A Quiver Full
Children are a heritage from the Lord,
offspring a reward from him.
4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are children born in one’s youth.
5 Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them. ~Psalm 127: 3-5
As a girl who always knew she wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mother, this scripture always intrigued me! I got the "children are a heritage from the Lord, a reward from him" part...but arrows in the hands of a warrior...and a quiver full? What is that all about? Can I be honest and say that I truly had no idea until just a couple of years ago! I am sure there are amazing teachings out there on this scripture that would have led me out of my ignorance long before now...but I never heard them.
It wasn't until I started watching my own children worship God, watching them develop their own relationship with God that I began to understand. It has been through watching my children grow in their own giftings that the light bulb went on...like arrows in the hands of a warrior....you see, my children are not mine. My children born of my body and my children born of my heart, none of them are mine. They are God's. They are His children that He has entrusted me to nurture and train for His Kingdom. I learned that lesson early in my mothering as I grieved the death of our baby we never got to hold! I learned through that sorrow that my children were given by God. They all have a kingdom purpose. My job as a mother is to guide them into that purpose.
I have failed miserably on most days. There are so many ways that I could have done a better job with that. But as my children become older, and I begin to see the Kingdom purposes unfolding in their lives, I know why God describes them as arrows in the hands of warriors. It is because we as "warriors" are training them up, lining them up with their "target" and then we "shoot them out" into the world to complete the Kingdom purpose God has had for them since the beginning of time!
I was reminded of that again today as we were worshiping in service this morning. The church we go to right now does not open their childcare until about 15 minutes into the service. We have just recently started attending this church, and I can honestly say this one fact alone nearly made me run screaming from this one! I have asked God more than once, "Are you sure this is it?", just based on this one issue. (Yes, I attend church functions for childcare...well, maybe not really, but it is a plus!) But today, I decided maybe it's not such a bad thing. I was holding Peighton as the worship service started. I open my eyes to see her with her hands lifted as high as she can get them! I look around to see who she is mimicking, not a person in my range of sight has their hands raised. But it didn't stop there! Off and on through the first song, she would clap and raise her hands. Then they started singing a song that talks about the Holy Spirit as a fire that burns deep inside of us, and they say "burn" over and over. With paci in mouth, she starts almost yelling, "BURN! BURN! BURN!" I had goosebumps all over me! Then she starts moving her hand in an outward motion in front of her in very deliberate, strong motions. And I knew....I have another arrow that I am to equip, mold, nurture, train and grow up while she is in my quiver so that at the right time, I can send her out into the world, ready and able to hit her target in God's Kingdom! I have no idea what that target is right now, but I know from what I saw today and what God spoke into my spirit that this little girl is mine because God has a specific plan and purpose for her, and He needs me to equip her for it...as is the case for all 7 other arrows still in my quiver!
I can't explain the events of the last three years. I don't know why so many things had to happen that happened! I would have written this story so much differently, and in my story, I would not be raising these two babies that are supposed to call me Mimi and not Mommy. But this I know. God has brought 9 children into our lives. He brought them here to be trained as warriors in His Kingdom. There will come a time when they will have to choose for themselves whether or not they want to fulfill the plans that God has for them or whether they want to walk away. As much as I wish I could choose for them. I can't. But I can speak Truth over and to them. I can pray God's Word over them while they sleep, as they wake and when we go about our day. I can do battle for and with them when the storms seem to be taking them over. And at the right time, I can let them go, shot out from our "bow" and watch them as they minister to a lost and lonely world who desperately needs to know the Savior that they know!
"Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them......."
offspring a reward from him.
4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are children born in one’s youth.
5 Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them. ~Psalm 127: 3-5
As a girl who always knew she wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mother, this scripture always intrigued me! I got the "children are a heritage from the Lord, a reward from him" part...but arrows in the hands of a warrior...and a quiver full? What is that all about? Can I be honest and say that I truly had no idea until just a couple of years ago! I am sure there are amazing teachings out there on this scripture that would have led me out of my ignorance long before now...but I never heard them.
It wasn't until I started watching my own children worship God, watching them develop their own relationship with God that I began to understand. It has been through watching my children grow in their own giftings that the light bulb went on...like arrows in the hands of a warrior....you see, my children are not mine. My children born of my body and my children born of my heart, none of them are mine. They are God's. They are His children that He has entrusted me to nurture and train for His Kingdom. I learned that lesson early in my mothering as I grieved the death of our baby we never got to hold! I learned through that sorrow that my children were given by God. They all have a kingdom purpose. My job as a mother is to guide them into that purpose.
I have failed miserably on most days. There are so many ways that I could have done a better job with that. But as my children become older, and I begin to see the Kingdom purposes unfolding in their lives, I know why God describes them as arrows in the hands of warriors. It is because we as "warriors" are training them up, lining them up with their "target" and then we "shoot them out" into the world to complete the Kingdom purpose God has had for them since the beginning of time!
I was reminded of that again today as we were worshiping in service this morning. The church we go to right now does not open their childcare until about 15 minutes into the service. We have just recently started attending this church, and I can honestly say this one fact alone nearly made me run screaming from this one! I have asked God more than once, "Are you sure this is it?", just based on this one issue. (Yes, I attend church functions for childcare...well, maybe not really, but it is a plus!) But today, I decided maybe it's not such a bad thing. I was holding Peighton as the worship service started. I open my eyes to see her with her hands lifted as high as she can get them! I look around to see who she is mimicking, not a person in my range of sight has their hands raised. But it didn't stop there! Off and on through the first song, she would clap and raise her hands. Then they started singing a song that talks about the Holy Spirit as a fire that burns deep inside of us, and they say "burn" over and over. With paci in mouth, she starts almost yelling, "BURN! BURN! BURN!" I had goosebumps all over me! Then she starts moving her hand in an outward motion in front of her in very deliberate, strong motions. And I knew....I have another arrow that I am to equip, mold, nurture, train and grow up while she is in my quiver so that at the right time, I can send her out into the world, ready and able to hit her target in God's Kingdom! I have no idea what that target is right now, but I know from what I saw today and what God spoke into my spirit that this little girl is mine because God has a specific plan and purpose for her, and He needs me to equip her for it...as is the case for all 7 other arrows still in my quiver!
I can't explain the events of the last three years. I don't know why so many things had to happen that happened! I would have written this story so much differently, and in my story, I would not be raising these two babies that are supposed to call me Mimi and not Mommy. But this I know. God has brought 9 children into our lives. He brought them here to be trained as warriors in His Kingdom. There will come a time when they will have to choose for themselves whether or not they want to fulfill the plans that God has for them or whether they want to walk away. As much as I wish I could choose for them. I can't. But I can speak Truth over and to them. I can pray God's Word over them while they sleep, as they wake and when we go about our day. I can do battle for and with them when the storms seem to be taking them over. And at the right time, I can let them go, shot out from our "bow" and watch them as they minister to a lost and lonely world who desperately needs to know the Savior that they know!
"Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them......."
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
5K, 40 and what God taught me!
That's me as I crossed the FINISH line!!! I did it! If you know me, you now that the fact that I put my arms up as I ran by John when he snapped this picture tells you what was going on inside of me! There were other people watching, and I would never have done that, but what was going on inside came bubbling out as I passed him and Journey and knew that self doubt for the journey of health and wellness were defeated forever!
It was AMAZING! It will definitely go down as one of the biggies as a stone of remembrance in my spiritual walk. In fact, literally every part of the 5K was a lesson! God talked to me the entire time making spiritual comparisons to what was happening physically. By the end of the race, I was just praying God would help me recall all he told me when I could sit down to write it all out. Just before my last push to the end, God said to write it all down and be ready to share it! So if you have a women's event coming up and need a speaker, I would love to come share what God showed me about running the race of life through this journey!
Can I just tell you that I would have quit so many times if not for making a big deal about it here and on my Facebook page?! By the time the race got here that morning, I was scared to death! I know it sounds silly and totally illogical, but aren't most of our fears and strongholds the enemy has us trapped in?! I pushed through those only because I had accountability to those who had spoken words of confidence over me, and I was not going to let them or my family down by not going through with it. They said go, I start jogging and about 10 yards in, I start feeling like my legs are lead, I need to go to the bathroom, and I think I will puke any second! I am not even .10 miles into this thing!! How will I ever finish and finish strong?! But I keep going. After that initial panic was over, I realized it is just like the enemy to give one last ditch effort to keep us from victory! I had ran almost .70 miles in training, but .1 into the race that would defeat the devil, he plays mind games with me to make me stop the race! Wow! How many victories have I missed because the last leg of the journey was harder than I expected or the enemy simply psyched me out and I quit?!
I didn't run the whole thing..in fact, I didn't ever run as far at one time as I had in training. But my goal was to finish, and not be last. I met that goal..and actually had my best personal time! I finished in 46 minutes and 30 something seconds! But way more important than the time was finishing with freedom! Seriously, for anyone who has not been in spiritual warfare or been on a journey to break a generational stronghold, this will sound crazy. It won't be the first...and I am sure not the last..time I am called crazy! I knew since deciding to do the 5K that when I crossed the finish line I would be doing something in the natural that would release the spiritual freedom I needed to finally walk in health and wellness. The self-doubt and whatever else you call what kept me eating poorly and "settling" for this life would be done! I was a weeping mess even before I got to the starting line! Part of that was fear too! I had a friend encouraging me. I laughed because she said, you have fought African governments for children, this race has nothing to scare you! Funny isn't it, the things we let fear get a grip of in our life?! I knew I wanted to run (ok jog....as my FB friends know I don't really run! Someone posted something that said my running looks like a herd of turtles running through peanut buttern and that's me!) across the finish line! I had a plan. I had never taken the time to get good running music, so the night before I had downloaded Mandisa's knew album. GREAT running music! Maybe not the fastest tempo, but the words to two of her songs could not have been more appropriate! There was one song, Pres On, that I knew would push me over the finish line strong. So I had a plan to switch my music to that song right as I start my sprint (ok, really fast walk/jog, but I can dream, can't I?!) to the end. I turned the corner...I set my music, and I picked up the pace! And then, my phone does crazy stuff and switches songs every second or two! Ugh! NO!!!! So I go back to a walk, put it on Press On, and pick it up again. Same thing! Ugh!!!! Really, God?! Now?! I need this to get past that line up there! I try one more time....same thing! Forget it! I take off letting the crazy phone do it's thing! About 10 seconds later, I am smiling from ear to ear because it lands on Dance, Dance, Dance! I knew it wasn' t a coincidence! God had just given me the biggest hug possible! You see, when that album came out YEARS ago, I would sing that song dreaming of being free from the bondage of weight and food addiction. Mandisa wrote it on her journey through the same thing. I would sing it as a prayer more than a celebration because I wasn't there yet! But here, when I was walking out in the physical what I knew God was doing in the spiritual, my phone switches to this:
Maybe you don't understand why I gotta dance
There was something had me down but it's over now
I'm a throw my hands up
Wave 'em all in the air
'Cause all I wanna do is dance, dance, dance
They told me you ain't good enough
Don't look good enough
Don't sing good enough
Maybe you should give it up
And if I would've then I never could've received
None of the things that He planned for me
So I waited a little longer
Grew a little stronger and then
I realized something was happening
It's so incredible, it's unexplainable
You oughta try Him for yourself and see because
[Chorus]
Sometimes I think about
How it used to be, and can't help but
Remembering how it was never easy for me, no, no
But the way God works, it's so amazing
He never forgot me, I can't forget Him
That's enough for me to lift my hands and
I'm sorry if you don't understand
[Chorus]
All my tears (it's over now)
And all my pain (it's over now)
All my doubts (it's over now)
They went away (it's over now)
No more fear (it's over now)
And I'm glad (it's over now)
Yes, so glad
'Cause all I wanna do is dance
Wow! If I could have breathed enough, I would've literally danced across the finish line! It was just confirmation of what I already knew! I was now walking in freedom and VICTORY!!!!! Friends, to borrow the words of Mandisa, you really oughta try him for yourself and see!!! If you don't know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior, please e-mail (hollyann@addyshope.com) me! I would love to talk to you more about the freedom you can have!
Oh...and 40, well it's looking FABULOUS!
Saturday, July 27, 2013
The Move: Living from Heaven to Earth
We are moving! John has accepted a position with the education service center in Fort Worth, and hopefully we will be in our new home by the end of this month. For that to happen we need a seller to accept our offer on a house in Fort Worth, and we need our house to sell quickly. We are calling those things down out of heaven just like we have every step of this process! And that is what is so amazing about this move...the process! It has opened a totally new level of spiritual maturity for John and I, and we will never do life the same way again! This is what I mean....
In April of 2012, God spoke very clearly to me that he had a new job for John. John was not unhappy at his current job. I had some frustrations with the time demands and travel, but overall, John's job was just fine. The Word was very specific, and it gave some direction as to what benefits would be from the new job. I shared it with John, and that's where it sat. There have been some things that have happened since that time that I tease John about - telling him he could've avoided them if only he had listened to God when He spoke. Who knows if we were to move on it sooner or not, but God redeems even our missed timing as long as we continue to seek Him and walk with Him. Over the course of the months since the Word came, John became increasingly restless in his job and career. About April of this year, we really started talking seriously about John changing jobs. He even looked into avenues outside of education. As soon as we knew we were serious about changing jobs, we both agreed we did not want to do this as we had in the past. We have both been learning more about living from our seated place in Heavenly places. As our pastor says, we want to live as "spirit-beings" not human beings. John and I agreed that we would listen for God's voice, listen for His direction. In the past on a decision like a job change, we would pray about it. If there was peace, and we felt God was telling us it was time to make a change, then we would look for jobs or look at what place is best for our family and then let the job offer dictate where we moved. We always had God as part of the process, and we always waited for Him to confirm what we were doing. But this time we wanted God to speak and circumstances to confirm what He said.
When John first started looking for a job, we assumed we would stay in Midland. We talked a little bit about moving, but we couldn't imagine leaving our home that we just remodeled with my dream kitchen! We also couldn't imagine leaving our families who are both with in an hours drive from us. I couldn't imagine leaving my parents who help me tremendously with the kid's doctor appointments or picking kids up when I get stuck somewhere in a meeting. We couldn't imagine moving with Addy's Hope just now seeming to take off with EIGHT families in process with the waiting child program! But mid-May I was in Fort Worth (oddly enough now!) doing an infant placement. I was driving around looking for an address (having made COUNTLESS u-turns...I'm directionally challenged and even the GPS wasn't helping me in the city!), and this voice says, "Why have you put me in a box? Why wouldn't you move?" What?! Why would we move, God? You have given me my kitchen, you have grown the agency....why would you ask me to leave that? The answer was simply, "Do you trust me, and will you go where I say go?" At the next red light, I sent John a text that simply said, "Apply where ever you feel led...let's move if we need to." Of course my phone rang fairly quickly with John on the other end wanting to know what had happened to his wife and who had her phone?!
Over the next few weeks, John and I both prayed asking for God to speak. God is teaching me so much about how I have lived with an earthly perspective versus the heavenly perspective I believe He desires His children to live by. I wanted to bring the knowledge I had gained about these truths into wisdom as I actually put them to practice and walked them out in life. John and I prayed fervently asking God to tell us whether we were to move or to stay. We didn't want to apply for any jobs or make any moves in any direction until He spoke. We started this process with NO desire to move! My prayer during this time was that I would be totally open and content to do whatever God said - go or stay! It took some time in the Word to truly put everything on the alter - especially about moving. There were mornings I literally lay on my living room floor, on my face, laying it all out there and making sure I had no agenda but what God wanted for me, and for my family. I didn't have any desire one way or the other - staying was ok - going was ok. That is how I wanted to stay so that I could truly do what God wanted. And also, I didn't want to have a desire one way or the other because I didn't want to be disappointed with what God asked of us.
This went on for a couple of weeks. No clear answers, really. Just crying out to God. About the third week of asking for answers, I began to have a desire to move. It was kind of weird as I was the one that had always fought to stay where we are! So a desire to move was kind of shocking. I would try to suppress it because if we were to stay, I didn't want to be disappointed. I kept praying that I would just want what God wanted....and then would ask Him to take the desire to move away so I wouldn't be disappointed. Now, even typing that, I see how silly it was to miss....but I did in fact miss it in the moment. It wasn't until I was at church that Sunday that I "got" it. It was during worship, and I was crying out to God...ok whining to God about the fact that He hadn't answered us. I gave the argument of how we were trying so hard to make this move with a new maturity, but He really wasn't cooperating by being silent....then He spoke. It went something like this, "HollyAnn, I have spoken. That desire you have to move, I gave that to you. I give you the desires of your heart because when you surrender to me your desires, I place within you the desire for My ways and My path. But you refuse to trust. You refuse to trust that you hear Me, and you refuse to trust that I will give you what you desire. You still have difficulty believing I want good for you and not just sacrifice." And with that, I had my answer...and some humble pie! I knew we were moving. What I didn't know was God was talking to John at the exact same time! I love how He does that! We sat down after worship, and John leans over and whispers in my ear, "By the way, we are moving."
With that answer, John began looking for jobs outside our area, and I began packing boxes. Callie asked, "Mom why are you packing boxes?" I replied, "Because we are moving." She would ask, "Where?" To which I would reply, "I don't know, but God said we are moving, so I am packing!"
I literally packed my first box the Monday following that Sunday. What I have learned over the last few months about living from Heaven to Earth is that you have to walk out the unseen for it to become the seen. Bill Johnson puts it like this, "The unseen world has influence over the visible." Circumstances did not yet say we were moving, but I knew in the unseen realm, we were moving and if I walked that out, talked that out, it would become seen. That is a truth based on Romans 4:17 when it talks about Abraham's faith and how his faith is what was credited to him as righteousness..his faith that God calls that which is not as if it is. It's what we have come to refer to around our house as "faith walking"!
We began thanking God for the job that would fulfill His Word. John began applying for jobs. He has already spoken to someone about a job locally. Not long after God told us we would move, that opportunity closed. It was the first circumstance that confirmed what God has already said! And our faith was increased!
We didn't know where we would move. I always thought if we moved, it would be to Austin. John has many connections on the state level in education - and I would love to know there was voice of reason in education in Austin! I also know that someday all we have walked with CPS will put me in some way in a place to help all those already working to transform this broken system - Austin seems like a logical place to do that. But as we prayed, we were drawn to the metroplex. John applied with a school district outside of Dallas. He got the interview. We found a house on line. I already had my furniture placed. In the 16 years I have known John, he has interviewed for many jobs! For those who didn't know us in our early years of marriage, we moved 8 times in the first 9 years of marriage. Out of all those jobs he interviewed for that would have us move that many times, he has been offered a job at every interview except one...until this job. He didn't get it. The enemy came in like a storm. The doubts started. I had already told close friends and family that we were moving. When they, like Callie, would ask where, I would respond with my "I don't know, God just said we are moving." Most of my friends know me well enough to not think I'm nuts, but I had told some friends who don't know me that well. I was trusting, hoping, believing that God would do what He had said! And trusting I had heard Him. The last time I stood in faith on something big like this against all circumstances and "seen" things, was when I said Eden would come home. The enemy took me back to that day when all that faith and believing made me doubt God even existed and for sure made me not want to do it His way. What I learned with Eden is that I had started to trust in an outcome, not in God. I had done it again with this job. I took my eyes of God and placed them on this one circumstance to prove God.
That next morning after realizing what I had done, I grabbed Bill Johnson's book When Heaven Invades Earth. I could feel the enemy taking up camp in my doubt. Thoughts like, "You'll look like a fool for telling people God told you something when it doesn't happen." or "God doesn't really work like this." or "Does God really even exist?" I knew entertaining any one of those thoughts would start the spiral to unbelief, so I cried out to God to give me something as encouragement to keep believing...and as He promises, when I sought Him, I found Him. I hate the "the book just fell open" stories, but that is what happened. I started reading right where I opened the book. The first sentence I read was, "Faith is the mirror of the heart that reflects the realities of the unseen world - the actual substance of His Kingdom. Through the prayer of faith we are able to pull the reality of His world into this one. That is the function of faith." I was reminded that there is an unseen world that is real, and that I had to keep walking it out, having faith, believing I heard God correctly and keep believing even though I did not yet see! Then reading on, the real kicker that was a hug from God letting me know I am not crazy, He is teaching me to walk in the unseen until it becomes seen...."The invisible realm is superior to the natural. The reality of that invisible world dominates the natural world we live in...both positively and negatively. Because the invisible is superior to the natural, faith is anchored in the unseen...Unbelief is anchored in what is visible or reasonable apart from God. It honors the natural realm as superior to the invisible. The apostle Paul states that what you can see is temporal, and what you can't see is eternal. Unbelief is faith in the inferior." And there I had it! What I needed to keep on. I believe in the unseen. I don't want what is seen to dictate my life! I don't want to be limited by what I can see on earth! I want His kingdom and His will as it is in heaven for my life here on earth....and God is teaching me that it is possible!
Throughout the rest of the process, I refused to waiver in my belief! There were days that I wondered. There were days that I was tired of believing and things looked impossible. The timing of interviews and the thoughts of what to do about Addy's Hope would threaten to overtake my faith that I had heard God and we were moving. But when those moments would come, I would find a scripture that God has given me on the journey...like Hebrews 11:6 that says without faith it is impossible to please God and I must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek him earnestly. I would use my voice to thank God for the job He already had for John. I thanked Him for the home He already had lined up for us in our new destination. I thanked Him for what the move would mean for Addy's Hope. I told Him I trust Him with the agency and whatever the move means, I know it's for the good of His ministry! Then I would go pack a box or clean out a closet that needed to be cleaned for the house to go on the market. It is really impossible to be depressed or discouraged about circumstances when you are working based on what you have faith will happen instead of what you "see" with your eyes on circumstances. It is impossible to be discouraged and depressed when I am thanking God for the blessings He has told me are coming! During the weeks of waiting for the circumstances to line up with what God had said, I knew John and I had matured a little...ok, a lot...and we might not have to go around the proverbial mountain anymore in some areas of our faith! It has become a joke over the course of our nearly 16 year marriage that when we didn't get what we were hoping for, we would go buy something...like a room of furniture! When the first job fell through, we didn't buy a single thing...instead we cleaned out our closets so the house could go on the market!
So many times during this process, I wanted to take you guys on the journey with me and start blogging! However, with the circumstances of both of our jobs, we really couldn't go totally public until we knew the timing of the move. I wanted to blog through the process not after it was done, so forgive me if this is I jump around...there is so much God has taught me in this process that has encouraged me...and I pray it encourages you in whatever promise you are waiting for!
John continued to look for jobs, I continued packing boxes and getting projects done on the house that we knew would have to be done to put it on the market. In fact, we had already talked that as soon as it was ready to show, we would put it on the market with or without a job. It was funny because our kids started telling people, "we are moving...we don't know where..God just said we are moving!" God really showed me during this process how much our walking out our faith truly impacts our kids.
As John looked at jobs all over the state, God began to be more specific in His directions. We both were drawn to the Dallas/Ft. Worth area, but there were some really good jobs coming up in other places. It finally got to a point that John would tell me about a job...one in particular was very good financially, and had a lot of what he was looking for in a job...but it wasn't in the metroplex. I knew it wasn't the job.
There was a job that John had told me about pretty early in the process, however, it was similar to the job he has now and includes the every other month trip to Austin for three days. When he first told me about the job, I said, "No way! You are not going to move me away from my support system and then continue to leave me every other month!" So John didn't pursue it any further. He had already found out that the time line was going to be a little longer than we had hoped, but he really just put it aside because of my statements. A couple of weeks went by, and there were not many more jobs coming up. I went to God and asked why He wasn't providing the job if we were to move. He then reminded me of the job I had immediately, in the flesh, told John he couldn't take! Ouch! I went back to John and explained that I had reacted in the flesh and had not prayed at all about that job. I had to repent before God and John! John explained that it was a job he would enjoy and would have great opportunities in the near future. So we agreed to apply....and that is the job he is going to! I look back on that and know I learned a valuable lesson...walking in the flesh and in circumstances will always have the potential to cause me to miss God's plan and His blessing!
We continue to watch as circumstances line up with what God has already said. It has taken me several days to get all of this typed up and in that time, we have put a contract on a house in Ft. Worth...not just any house..the one house that all our kids loved! It is John's dream house, and has the backyard that I have longed to have for our kids. It has a pool, a fort and still tons of room for running and a trampoline! It has a huge driveway that is perfect for basketball! It has 6 bedrooms and still has room for the kids to have their own area which was important for me as they get older and I want our house to be the hang out!
We are still waiting for our house to sell, but neither one of us have any anxiety about it! When you operate from heaven to earth, when you trust what God said will happen, you just continue to walk it out believing by faith that He will do what ever it takes to make it work! It is such a peaceful place to live!
We are so thankful for the lessons God has taught us in this process. We know this will forever be a milestone in our spiritual lives! We still don't have all the answers...like what will Addy's Hope really look like...but even that is coming into view with what will have to be another blog post...
I just want to encourage you to start looking at your life from a heavenly view! Don't look at what circumstances say here on earth! Seek God. Listen to His voice. And then act based on what He says ignoring anything that is earthly that contradicts His voice! It works! I can testify!
In April of 2012, God spoke very clearly to me that he had a new job for John. John was not unhappy at his current job. I had some frustrations with the time demands and travel, but overall, John's job was just fine. The Word was very specific, and it gave some direction as to what benefits would be from the new job. I shared it with John, and that's where it sat. There have been some things that have happened since that time that I tease John about - telling him he could've avoided them if only he had listened to God when He spoke. Who knows if we were to move on it sooner or not, but God redeems even our missed timing as long as we continue to seek Him and walk with Him. Over the course of the months since the Word came, John became increasingly restless in his job and career. About April of this year, we really started talking seriously about John changing jobs. He even looked into avenues outside of education. As soon as we knew we were serious about changing jobs, we both agreed we did not want to do this as we had in the past. We have both been learning more about living from our seated place in Heavenly places. As our pastor says, we want to live as "spirit-beings" not human beings. John and I agreed that we would listen for God's voice, listen for His direction. In the past on a decision like a job change, we would pray about it. If there was peace, and we felt God was telling us it was time to make a change, then we would look for jobs or look at what place is best for our family and then let the job offer dictate where we moved. We always had God as part of the process, and we always waited for Him to confirm what we were doing. But this time we wanted God to speak and circumstances to confirm what He said.
When John first started looking for a job, we assumed we would stay in Midland. We talked a little bit about moving, but we couldn't imagine leaving our home that we just remodeled with my dream kitchen! We also couldn't imagine leaving our families who are both with in an hours drive from us. I couldn't imagine leaving my parents who help me tremendously with the kid's doctor appointments or picking kids up when I get stuck somewhere in a meeting. We couldn't imagine moving with Addy's Hope just now seeming to take off with EIGHT families in process with the waiting child program! But mid-May I was in Fort Worth (oddly enough now!) doing an infant placement. I was driving around looking for an address (having made COUNTLESS u-turns...I'm directionally challenged and even the GPS wasn't helping me in the city!), and this voice says, "Why have you put me in a box? Why wouldn't you move?" What?! Why would we move, God? You have given me my kitchen, you have grown the agency....why would you ask me to leave that? The answer was simply, "Do you trust me, and will you go where I say go?" At the next red light, I sent John a text that simply said, "Apply where ever you feel led...let's move if we need to." Of course my phone rang fairly quickly with John on the other end wanting to know what had happened to his wife and who had her phone?!
Over the next few weeks, John and I both prayed asking for God to speak. God is teaching me so much about how I have lived with an earthly perspective versus the heavenly perspective I believe He desires His children to live by. I wanted to bring the knowledge I had gained about these truths into wisdom as I actually put them to practice and walked them out in life. John and I prayed fervently asking God to tell us whether we were to move or to stay. We didn't want to apply for any jobs or make any moves in any direction until He spoke. We started this process with NO desire to move! My prayer during this time was that I would be totally open and content to do whatever God said - go or stay! It took some time in the Word to truly put everything on the alter - especially about moving. There were mornings I literally lay on my living room floor, on my face, laying it all out there and making sure I had no agenda but what God wanted for me, and for my family. I didn't have any desire one way or the other - staying was ok - going was ok. That is how I wanted to stay so that I could truly do what God wanted. And also, I didn't want to have a desire one way or the other because I didn't want to be disappointed with what God asked of us.
This went on for a couple of weeks. No clear answers, really. Just crying out to God. About the third week of asking for answers, I began to have a desire to move. It was kind of weird as I was the one that had always fought to stay where we are! So a desire to move was kind of shocking. I would try to suppress it because if we were to stay, I didn't want to be disappointed. I kept praying that I would just want what God wanted....and then would ask Him to take the desire to move away so I wouldn't be disappointed. Now, even typing that, I see how silly it was to miss....but I did in fact miss it in the moment. It wasn't until I was at church that Sunday that I "got" it. It was during worship, and I was crying out to God...ok whining to God about the fact that He hadn't answered us. I gave the argument of how we were trying so hard to make this move with a new maturity, but He really wasn't cooperating by being silent....then He spoke. It went something like this, "HollyAnn, I have spoken. That desire you have to move, I gave that to you. I give you the desires of your heart because when you surrender to me your desires, I place within you the desire for My ways and My path. But you refuse to trust. You refuse to trust that you hear Me, and you refuse to trust that I will give you what you desire. You still have difficulty believing I want good for you and not just sacrifice." And with that, I had my answer...and some humble pie! I knew we were moving. What I didn't know was God was talking to John at the exact same time! I love how He does that! We sat down after worship, and John leans over and whispers in my ear, "By the way, we are moving."
With that answer, John began looking for jobs outside our area, and I began packing boxes. Callie asked, "Mom why are you packing boxes?" I replied, "Because we are moving." She would ask, "Where?" To which I would reply, "I don't know, but God said we are moving, so I am packing!"
I literally packed my first box the Monday following that Sunday. What I have learned over the last few months about living from Heaven to Earth is that you have to walk out the unseen for it to become the seen. Bill Johnson puts it like this, "The unseen world has influence over the visible." Circumstances did not yet say we were moving, but I knew in the unseen realm, we were moving and if I walked that out, talked that out, it would become seen. That is a truth based on Romans 4:17 when it talks about Abraham's faith and how his faith is what was credited to him as righteousness..his faith that God calls that which is not as if it is. It's what we have come to refer to around our house as "faith walking"!
We began thanking God for the job that would fulfill His Word. John began applying for jobs. He has already spoken to someone about a job locally. Not long after God told us we would move, that opportunity closed. It was the first circumstance that confirmed what God has already said! And our faith was increased!
We didn't know where we would move. I always thought if we moved, it would be to Austin. John has many connections on the state level in education - and I would love to know there was voice of reason in education in Austin! I also know that someday all we have walked with CPS will put me in some way in a place to help all those already working to transform this broken system - Austin seems like a logical place to do that. But as we prayed, we were drawn to the metroplex. John applied with a school district outside of Dallas. He got the interview. We found a house on line. I already had my furniture placed. In the 16 years I have known John, he has interviewed for many jobs! For those who didn't know us in our early years of marriage, we moved 8 times in the first 9 years of marriage. Out of all those jobs he interviewed for that would have us move that many times, he has been offered a job at every interview except one...until this job. He didn't get it. The enemy came in like a storm. The doubts started. I had already told close friends and family that we were moving. When they, like Callie, would ask where, I would respond with my "I don't know, God just said we are moving." Most of my friends know me well enough to not think I'm nuts, but I had told some friends who don't know me that well. I was trusting, hoping, believing that God would do what He had said! And trusting I had heard Him. The last time I stood in faith on something big like this against all circumstances and "seen" things, was when I said Eden would come home. The enemy took me back to that day when all that faith and believing made me doubt God even existed and for sure made me not want to do it His way. What I learned with Eden is that I had started to trust in an outcome, not in God. I had done it again with this job. I took my eyes of God and placed them on this one circumstance to prove God.
That next morning after realizing what I had done, I grabbed Bill Johnson's book When Heaven Invades Earth. I could feel the enemy taking up camp in my doubt. Thoughts like, "You'll look like a fool for telling people God told you something when it doesn't happen." or "God doesn't really work like this." or "Does God really even exist?" I knew entertaining any one of those thoughts would start the spiral to unbelief, so I cried out to God to give me something as encouragement to keep believing...and as He promises, when I sought Him, I found Him. I hate the "the book just fell open" stories, but that is what happened. I started reading right where I opened the book. The first sentence I read was, "Faith is the mirror of the heart that reflects the realities of the unseen world - the actual substance of His Kingdom. Through the prayer of faith we are able to pull the reality of His world into this one. That is the function of faith." I was reminded that there is an unseen world that is real, and that I had to keep walking it out, having faith, believing I heard God correctly and keep believing even though I did not yet see! Then reading on, the real kicker that was a hug from God letting me know I am not crazy, He is teaching me to walk in the unseen until it becomes seen...."The invisible realm is superior to the natural. The reality of that invisible world dominates the natural world we live in...both positively and negatively. Because the invisible is superior to the natural, faith is anchored in the unseen...Unbelief is anchored in what is visible or reasonable apart from God. It honors the natural realm as superior to the invisible. The apostle Paul states that what you can see is temporal, and what you can't see is eternal. Unbelief is faith in the inferior." And there I had it! What I needed to keep on. I believe in the unseen. I don't want what is seen to dictate my life! I don't want to be limited by what I can see on earth! I want His kingdom and His will as it is in heaven for my life here on earth....and God is teaching me that it is possible!
Throughout the rest of the process, I refused to waiver in my belief! There were days that I wondered. There were days that I was tired of believing and things looked impossible. The timing of interviews and the thoughts of what to do about Addy's Hope would threaten to overtake my faith that I had heard God and we were moving. But when those moments would come, I would find a scripture that God has given me on the journey...like Hebrews 11:6 that says without faith it is impossible to please God and I must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek him earnestly. I would use my voice to thank God for the job He already had for John. I thanked Him for the home He already had lined up for us in our new destination. I thanked Him for what the move would mean for Addy's Hope. I told Him I trust Him with the agency and whatever the move means, I know it's for the good of His ministry! Then I would go pack a box or clean out a closet that needed to be cleaned for the house to go on the market. It is really impossible to be depressed or discouraged about circumstances when you are working based on what you have faith will happen instead of what you "see" with your eyes on circumstances. It is impossible to be discouraged and depressed when I am thanking God for the blessings He has told me are coming! During the weeks of waiting for the circumstances to line up with what God had said, I knew John and I had matured a little...ok, a lot...and we might not have to go around the proverbial mountain anymore in some areas of our faith! It has become a joke over the course of our nearly 16 year marriage that when we didn't get what we were hoping for, we would go buy something...like a room of furniture! When the first job fell through, we didn't buy a single thing...instead we cleaned out our closets so the house could go on the market!
So many times during this process, I wanted to take you guys on the journey with me and start blogging! However, with the circumstances of both of our jobs, we really couldn't go totally public until we knew the timing of the move. I wanted to blog through the process not after it was done, so forgive me if this is I jump around...there is so much God has taught me in this process that has encouraged me...and I pray it encourages you in whatever promise you are waiting for!
John continued to look for jobs, I continued packing boxes and getting projects done on the house that we knew would have to be done to put it on the market. In fact, we had already talked that as soon as it was ready to show, we would put it on the market with or without a job. It was funny because our kids started telling people, "we are moving...we don't know where..God just said we are moving!" God really showed me during this process how much our walking out our faith truly impacts our kids.
As John looked at jobs all over the state, God began to be more specific in His directions. We both were drawn to the Dallas/Ft. Worth area, but there were some really good jobs coming up in other places. It finally got to a point that John would tell me about a job...one in particular was very good financially, and had a lot of what he was looking for in a job...but it wasn't in the metroplex. I knew it wasn't the job.
There was a job that John had told me about pretty early in the process, however, it was similar to the job he has now and includes the every other month trip to Austin for three days. When he first told me about the job, I said, "No way! You are not going to move me away from my support system and then continue to leave me every other month!" So John didn't pursue it any further. He had already found out that the time line was going to be a little longer than we had hoped, but he really just put it aside because of my statements. A couple of weeks went by, and there were not many more jobs coming up. I went to God and asked why He wasn't providing the job if we were to move. He then reminded me of the job I had immediately, in the flesh, told John he couldn't take! Ouch! I went back to John and explained that I had reacted in the flesh and had not prayed at all about that job. I had to repent before God and John! John explained that it was a job he would enjoy and would have great opportunities in the near future. So we agreed to apply....and that is the job he is going to! I look back on that and know I learned a valuable lesson...walking in the flesh and in circumstances will always have the potential to cause me to miss God's plan and His blessing!
We continue to watch as circumstances line up with what God has already said. It has taken me several days to get all of this typed up and in that time, we have put a contract on a house in Ft. Worth...not just any house..the one house that all our kids loved! It is John's dream house, and has the backyard that I have longed to have for our kids. It has a pool, a fort and still tons of room for running and a trampoline! It has a huge driveway that is perfect for basketball! It has 6 bedrooms and still has room for the kids to have their own area which was important for me as they get older and I want our house to be the hang out!
We are still waiting for our house to sell, but neither one of us have any anxiety about it! When you operate from heaven to earth, when you trust what God said will happen, you just continue to walk it out believing by faith that He will do what ever it takes to make it work! It is such a peaceful place to live!
We are so thankful for the lessons God has taught us in this process. We know this will forever be a milestone in our spiritual lives! We still don't have all the answers...like what will Addy's Hope really look like...but even that is coming into view with what will have to be another blog post...
I just want to encourage you to start looking at your life from a heavenly view! Don't look at what circumstances say here on earth! Seek God. Listen to His voice. And then act based on what He says ignoring anything that is earthly that contradicts His voice! It works! I can testify!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Mother's Day Reflections: Mourning to Dancing
I haven't really had time to stop and think about Mother's Day. Life is whizzing by at an alarming rate right now. But last night during worship, I had a brief moment where I thought about Mother's Day, and I was overcome with grief. I know, not your typical Mother's Day warm fuzzy feeling post. Stick with me.....
We were singing an older song by Chris Tomlin - How Great Is Our God. We sang these words
We were singing an older song by Chris Tomlin - How Great Is Our God. We sang these words
He wraps Himself in Light,
and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice."
I was immediately transported in time about 9 years ago when we were in the process of fighting to bring Eden home after Addy had passed away. I had no idea about spiritual warfare or the powers of darkness like I do now, but even in my ignorance, I knew we were fighting something very dark in the battle that raged for our daughter.
There is a line in this song that says,
"How Great is our God, sing with me,
How Great is our God, that all the world will see,
How Great is our God."
Whenever we would sing that song during that time, I was always renewed in my battle for Eden. I wanted the watching world to see that God is good. I wanted Him to see that He cares for His children! I wanted to keep fighting so that His glory could go on display when she came home and He worked all the miracles out to get her here.
Last night as I again sang,
and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice."
I was overcome with the mourning of all the losses I have suffered in the 14 years of being a mother. The grief brought on the sobs...the ugly cry! Our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, Addy was taken from us by a very preventable illness just months after she became my daughter in my heart even if not legally, Eden was taken from me by an agency who worked in corrupt dealings and by a Consular more concerned with the letter of the law and her power than by the spirit of the law and a child - a daughter who in three short weeks bonded with me in a way an adopted child of 4 years old doesn't usually bond in 3 years, a daughter who the last memory I have of her was as she was being ripped off my neck screaming "momma!momma!" because the helicopter that I thought was carrying me to get the little stamp that would allow her in three days to get on the helicopter with me was about to leave - we never got that stamp. The grief of letting go of a precious little guy that we only had 4 months, knew we wouldn't get to keep him when he came, but still ripped out my heart when he was moved to another foster home an eventually back to his mother with only my prayers and seeds I pray have taken root as I prayed the Word over him as I would rock him each night. And now that heart ache of knowing a mother's day is upon me and one of my children is out there in a very scary place and I can't fix it. My second grand baby is due in just a few weeks, and I don't even know if we will know when he is born.
In the seconds it took for these snapshots to flash through my mind, I glanced back at the screen and read the words again...only this time, with the anger of a hurting mom and the questions of a daughter asking her Heavenly Father why the darkness didn't tremble at His voice and get out of the way in these situations? Why are some of the circumstances of right now that really don't seem very fair or much like God is winning happening if darkness trembles and hides at His voice?!
And in a matter of a couple of more lines, I knew! GREAT is our God! That still small whisper that I have committed to listening to more intently in 2013 and following when it is still a whisper and not waiting for the BOOM that comes when I keep "praying" because I'm just not quite sure I "heard correctly" whispered to me -
"Darkness has fled because you are still standing! Darkness trembles because you didn't quit! Eden didn't come home, your world was tilted off it's access, but you allowed me to tilt it back upright and just two years later trusted Me enough to start the journey again bringing Toben (which means believing God is good) home! You brought a little boy into your home that you knew would leave so that you could care for him in the short time you had him, planting My seeds of hope and the Word in his spirit to be watered and germinate when I am ready. Darkness has hid because after walking through the devastation of watching a daughter walk away with your grandbaby and still estranged as you face a Mother's Day without contact, you still make finding families for children waiting in the foster system your life's mission! The enemy tried to convince you that you should never ask a family to go through what you went through, but you trusted Me when I told you that I would preserve your calling and ministry."
And my mourning turned to dancing. I realized that even though circumstances, the snapshots, looked grim and dark, the over all picture was one of hope and light! It encouraged me in my circumstances right now that seem quite dim and extremely overwhelming...impossible, really! It reminded me that GREAT is our God, and because all need to see how great He is, I have to persevere! And when you and I persevere through the pain, through the trials, through the unknown, and we do it trusting God regardless of circumstances, we show a watching world that our God IS good - not just when we get the answer to prayer we asked for - the daughter on the helicopter with you, but even when the answer is no! I hope that encourages you today if you are struggling in an area of pain or heartache - especially as we come upon Mother's Day that is truly such a heart wrenching day for so many women....many whom I call friend! I pray those of you who have babies in Jesus' arms but none in yours find comfort this weekend! I won't try to tell you what you need to feel, just know even a mom of 7 remembers her first mother's day....just four months after losing my baby...and the pain that came with it. Just know beauty will come of these ashes! He promises it if you trust Him! And for my friends who are "paper pregnant".....get ready!!! Next Mother's Day, you will be having one heck of a party! Press on, moms! Press on! Joy will come in the morning!
Sunday, April 28, 2013
The Past Few Weeks: Training Ground
The past 8 weeks since I took the director's job at the daycare have been challenging to say the least. Many have asked "why did you do that?!" Most days I can only reply with, "I don't know! I really wonder if I missed it!" But the last week, God has really revealed Himself to me and the purpose of this current journey.
When God told me to take it, He said it would be a training ground. That never really excites me because training means stretching, growing, and often pain. This has been no different! But the journey has been pretty amazing even in the challenges!
When I agreed to take on the daycare, it was understood that it was running itself, and I would just be supervising and making sure it maintained and maybe took it up another level. I was excited about painting walls and doing fluffy stuff! Eight weeks in, I know that was not the case at all. It has been a very intense time of trying to put things in order. There were many times I doubted if I would succeed. But this week, I finally felt a little breakthrough and can see some progress! And I have managed to paint a few walls with the help of some amazing church family and my parents!
But the real progress has been internal for me. I have learned to put aside my identity as a stay-at-home mom. Breakthrough in the battle between daycare, agency and home came about week 6 when I was backing out of my driveway in tears again because I was so overwhelmed with the weight of all that my day held. Running two non-profit organizations licensed by the state and being mom to 7 was just more than I could handle in that moment. Then the still small voice came....do you trust Me? That seems to be a question I hear a lot lately! And in that moment, I realized that I was doubting once again that God knew what was best for me....and my kids! Going to work full time like this could not be in the best interest of my babies who are now in a daycare or mother's day out 5 days a week! In 13 years and 7 kids, this is the first time I have ever used a daycare. My entire definition, identity and foundation as a mom was rocked to the core! I knew God called me to the daycare, but I saw the daycare as detrimental to my family - in particular my little guys. So God asked, do I trust Him? I had to make a choice in that moment. Would I continue to stand on my "right" to be a stat at home mom and hold onto what I believed about what was best for my kids, or would I trust that God loves my kids and me and would never call me to something that would bring harm. His plans are always for my good and always for my children's good. Driving to work that day, I told God with my verbal words that I trust His plan and trust that He will carry us through.
That stopped the internal wrestling, but it didn't stop all the battles! I have been sick in one way or another pretty much since I started the job. It was actually a fear I had when I said yes to God! I even wrote it in a prayer journal. God told me then that the illness would be spiritual in nature. So for the past couple of weeks, I have been praying against the illness. One would stop, and another would come. Friday was the worst! All last week, I would wake up in them middle of the night with an unexplainable knowledge that wars were going on. I would pray, quote scriptures that came to mind, cry out to God....and eventually go back to sleep. I would wake up in the morning with a dread of what I would face that day. Friday, I felt horrible. The stomach bug I had been fighting for almost two weeks was still having its effects, the cold or allergies I've been fighting had my head feeling like it would explode, I had a pain across my shoulder blades from sleeping on elevated pillows so I wouldn't cough all night. I just wanted to pull the covers over my eyes, take some medicine to knock me out and go back to sleep. But I knew if I did that, when I woke up, it would all still be there! God reminded me of some scriptures I had read on Thursday morning the week before. They were scriptures our pastor had give us the previous Wednesday and they all had to do with perseverance and pressing on in order to receive the promise or to see hope fulfilled. (Hebrews 6:10, 1 Thesselonians 1:2, Isaiah 61:10) So with those versus going through my head, I got out of bed and pressed on. I didn't move very fast. I was late taking the little guys to mother's day out. I didn't get all done I intended before I had to get Callie to school and I was walking through Sam's - still not moving very quickly - getting snacks for the daycare. I was beating myself up as I so often do. Then the small voice reminded me, "but you are up and accomplishing things for this day." I stood a little taller - that's right! I didn't give into the despair and dread! I got up and kept moving!
In that moment God reminded me of my prayer to learn to live from heaven to earth - to live based on God's promises and His words to me rather than earthly circumstances. In that moment, God said, "You did it!" I realized then that the last few weeks have not been the physical training ground I thought they were...just teaching me how to work more full time and learn to manage home and job. But God has literally been training me in weapons of spiritual warfare while the battles raged around and in me. And I knew I had won at least that one battle that day! God reminded me that I had not let circumstances dictate my day. I had gone to Him, asked Him what He wanted of me that day, and I did it despite physical circumstances. As I thought back over the past three weeks in particular since I told God I would trust Him and committed to staying at the daycare while still working Addy's Hope (which is busier now that it has EVER been!), I questioned why even after my commitment to no longer question God the attacks kept coming...and even got a little more intense. Immediately, the words, "Have you considered my servant Job?" came to mind. (Job 1:8) Notice the words stopped there..no HollyAnn is blameless and upright. I am in no way trying to compare myself to Job or to say that my "suffering" comes anywhere even close to what Job suffered! But I do believe in that moment God reminded me that there are times when He allows His servants to be tested and our loyalty and belief in Him to be tested.
I don't know what my future holds, but I know Who does know! And I have no doubt that the last 8 weeks have been training me for something in my future that will require a deeper level of trust and commitment of and to God than I had before I took this position. I am thankful I serve a God who trains and teaches me. He doesn't just take us off a cliff without teaching us to fly first!
I don't know that I have done a very good job of truly explaining this lesson, but I felt an urgency to get it out on the blog....so I pray whoever needed to known you are not alone in your struggles or on your battles has been encouraged by my words! God is preparing His Church for the work He has for us! It is an exciting time to be alive! I believe we will begin to see God revealing Himself more and more in tangible, real ways! It will be like living at "church camp" every day! He is equipping us for the days to come! Let's be ready...and let's be willing!
When God told me to take it, He said it would be a training ground. That never really excites me because training means stretching, growing, and often pain. This has been no different! But the journey has been pretty amazing even in the challenges!
When I agreed to take on the daycare, it was understood that it was running itself, and I would just be supervising and making sure it maintained and maybe took it up another level. I was excited about painting walls and doing fluffy stuff! Eight weeks in, I know that was not the case at all. It has been a very intense time of trying to put things in order. There were many times I doubted if I would succeed. But this week, I finally felt a little breakthrough and can see some progress! And I have managed to paint a few walls with the help of some amazing church family and my parents!
But the real progress has been internal for me. I have learned to put aside my identity as a stay-at-home mom. Breakthrough in the battle between daycare, agency and home came about week 6 when I was backing out of my driveway in tears again because I was so overwhelmed with the weight of all that my day held. Running two non-profit organizations licensed by the state and being mom to 7 was just more than I could handle in that moment. Then the still small voice came....do you trust Me? That seems to be a question I hear a lot lately! And in that moment, I realized that I was doubting once again that God knew what was best for me....and my kids! Going to work full time like this could not be in the best interest of my babies who are now in a daycare or mother's day out 5 days a week! In 13 years and 7 kids, this is the first time I have ever used a daycare. My entire definition, identity and foundation as a mom was rocked to the core! I knew God called me to the daycare, but I saw the daycare as detrimental to my family - in particular my little guys. So God asked, do I trust Him? I had to make a choice in that moment. Would I continue to stand on my "right" to be a stat at home mom and hold onto what I believed about what was best for my kids, or would I trust that God loves my kids and me and would never call me to something that would bring harm. His plans are always for my good and always for my children's good. Driving to work that day, I told God with my verbal words that I trust His plan and trust that He will carry us through.
That stopped the internal wrestling, but it didn't stop all the battles! I have been sick in one way or another pretty much since I started the job. It was actually a fear I had when I said yes to God! I even wrote it in a prayer journal. God told me then that the illness would be spiritual in nature. So for the past couple of weeks, I have been praying against the illness. One would stop, and another would come. Friday was the worst! All last week, I would wake up in them middle of the night with an unexplainable knowledge that wars were going on. I would pray, quote scriptures that came to mind, cry out to God....and eventually go back to sleep. I would wake up in the morning with a dread of what I would face that day. Friday, I felt horrible. The stomach bug I had been fighting for almost two weeks was still having its effects, the cold or allergies I've been fighting had my head feeling like it would explode, I had a pain across my shoulder blades from sleeping on elevated pillows so I wouldn't cough all night. I just wanted to pull the covers over my eyes, take some medicine to knock me out and go back to sleep. But I knew if I did that, when I woke up, it would all still be there! God reminded me of some scriptures I had read on Thursday morning the week before. They were scriptures our pastor had give us the previous Wednesday and they all had to do with perseverance and pressing on in order to receive the promise or to see hope fulfilled. (Hebrews 6:10, 1 Thesselonians 1:2, Isaiah 61:10) So with those versus going through my head, I got out of bed and pressed on. I didn't move very fast. I was late taking the little guys to mother's day out. I didn't get all done I intended before I had to get Callie to school and I was walking through Sam's - still not moving very quickly - getting snacks for the daycare. I was beating myself up as I so often do. Then the small voice reminded me, "but you are up and accomplishing things for this day." I stood a little taller - that's right! I didn't give into the despair and dread! I got up and kept moving!
In that moment God reminded me of my prayer to learn to live from heaven to earth - to live based on God's promises and His words to me rather than earthly circumstances. In that moment, God said, "You did it!" I realized then that the last few weeks have not been the physical training ground I thought they were...just teaching me how to work more full time and learn to manage home and job. But God has literally been training me in weapons of spiritual warfare while the battles raged around and in me. And I knew I had won at least that one battle that day! God reminded me that I had not let circumstances dictate my day. I had gone to Him, asked Him what He wanted of me that day, and I did it despite physical circumstances. As I thought back over the past three weeks in particular since I told God I would trust Him and committed to staying at the daycare while still working Addy's Hope (which is busier now that it has EVER been!), I questioned why even after my commitment to no longer question God the attacks kept coming...and even got a little more intense. Immediately, the words, "Have you considered my servant Job?" came to mind. (Job 1:8) Notice the words stopped there..no HollyAnn is blameless and upright. I am in no way trying to compare myself to Job or to say that my "suffering" comes anywhere even close to what Job suffered! But I do believe in that moment God reminded me that there are times when He allows His servants to be tested and our loyalty and belief in Him to be tested.
I don't know what my future holds, but I know Who does know! And I have no doubt that the last 8 weeks have been training me for something in my future that will require a deeper level of trust and commitment of and to God than I had before I took this position. I am thankful I serve a God who trains and teaches me. He doesn't just take us off a cliff without teaching us to fly first!
I don't know that I have done a very good job of truly explaining this lesson, but I felt an urgency to get it out on the blog....so I pray whoever needed to known you are not alone in your struggles or on your battles has been encouraged by my words! God is preparing His Church for the work He has for us! It is an exciting time to be alive! I believe we will begin to see God revealing Himself more and more in tangible, real ways! It will be like living at "church camp" every day! He is equipping us for the days to come! Let's be ready...and let's be willing!
Thursday, March 21, 2013
He wants to take your burdens
Last night nearing the end of our praise and worship time, there
was a still - no organized singing by the praise team, just spontaneous words
and songs of praise from the congregation - a time of ministering by the
Spirit. As I stood there, I "saw" - not with physical eyes, but
in my minds' eye, my spirit - a white sphere floating, and when it moved, it
left a tail of light as it moved. It was what I would call an aura.
God said it was his ministering spirit (Hebrews 1:14). I saw it
move from person to person in the congregation. Just as our pastor said,
"The anointing comes to life the burden," God spoke to me saying,
"My yoke is easy and my burden is light!" If you are like me,
that scripture has been a struggle. My times of walking in faith have been some
of my most trying...but God said this is season is a training ground, and I
know this is one of the things He is teaching me! Even when things are tough,
the yoke is easy and the burden is light. We had just finished singing
one of my favorite songs. Some of the lyrics say, "I call your Name,
Lord you reply, you bring your kingdom and stand by my side." I saw
the white glow stopping at each person. From those who allowed him, he
took burdens off of them as he passed from one to another. As I saw him
moving toward me, I opened my hands and an overwhelming sense of God's presence
washed over me, and peace beyond understanding washed over. I felt like a
lead brick had been taken off my body. It was amazing. And what God
was showing me is that He wants me to always feel that light...even in the
midst of trials. But I have to learn to allow Him to carry the burden and
not pick it up myself.
God didn't lead me
to share this in the service last night, but as I woke this morning, I knew I
needed to share it. This kind of thing is new for me...part of my deeper
walk with God. So I can't say I was a little apprehensive putting it out
there, but I know from past experience if God lays it on my heart to share
publicly, then someone out there, a fellow warrior for His kingdom needed to
hear it! So if you have a heavy burden today, put some praise and worship music
on, get still before God and let Him lift your burden!
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Was it God?
I have heard many comments lately that have raised the proverbial hair on the back of my neck. It it's one thing I have wrestled with through our failed adoptions and some personal struggles it is free will versus God's will and handling disappointments. There was a time that spans many years where I could not tell you a personal story of victory and happy ending after a leap of faith. We had taken some pretty big ones, and they all had endings far from what I had hoped. Disappointment. There are posts on this blog during those times. Even if I don't come right out and say it...you can read the disappointment between the lines.
My immediate reaction to those disappointments was much the same as what I see in other people as they struggle through disappointments in their lives...God, where are you?! Those of us who have been in church most of our lives can easily quote Deuteronomy 31:6 " Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" But the truth is during those times of disappointment early in my walk in relationship with God, I didn't believe it! I would cry out to God with that same verse asking where He was. I wanted so badly to believe He was beside me, but honestly, I felt alone and abandoned. I had head knowledge....I wanted to believe what God's Word said, but my circumstances just didn't speak to that. My experience was not lining up with truth.
When that happens, our immediate human nature response is to throw out "truth"! Our experiences must be what is accurate in our human, world-based mind, so we come to the conclusion that the "truth" has to be wrong. And that is the biggest lie from the pit of hell! It is exactly what the enemy wants us to believe. Because when we begin to believe that our experience trumps truth, we start to doubt God. If satan can start us on the path of doubting God, he can unravel just about any part of our faith and our testimony.
When we face disappointments, and view them through our flesh, through our experience, through our circumstance we are left with three conclusions:
My immediate reaction to those disappointments was much the same as what I see in other people as they struggle through disappointments in their lives...God, where are you?! Those of us who have been in church most of our lives can easily quote Deuteronomy 31:6 " Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" But the truth is during those times of disappointment early in my walk in relationship with God, I didn't believe it! I would cry out to God with that same verse asking where He was. I wanted so badly to believe He was beside me, but honestly, I felt alone and abandoned. I had head knowledge....I wanted to believe what God's Word said, but my circumstances just didn't speak to that. My experience was not lining up with truth.
When that happens, our immediate human nature response is to throw out "truth"! Our experiences must be what is accurate in our human, world-based mind, so we come to the conclusion that the "truth" has to be wrong. And that is the biggest lie from the pit of hell! It is exactly what the enemy wants us to believe. Because when we begin to believe that our experience trumps truth, we start to doubt God. If satan can start us on the path of doubting God, he can unravel just about any part of our faith and our testimony.
When we face disappointments, and view them through our flesh, through our experience, through our circumstance we are left with three conclusions:
- I didn't hear God right in the first place
- God is not trust worthy
- God doesn't really exist
Can I be honest? I have entertained all three of those conclusions at times of disappointment in my life. After I came home from Sierra Leone without Eden, number 3 was my conclusion. I was ready to walk away from God. I was so close to the line of denouncing God and going about my days living life for what felt good and right to the senses, to doing what made me "happy"! But that is why God says we are to live by faith and not by sight! I praise God that in that exact time, I was reading Captivating. I had amazing people in my life to speak truth during that time right after I returned without my daughter. But I wouldn't talk to them. I knew what they would say, and frankly, I didn't want to hear it! But for some reason, I kept reading this book which is evidence that God will use whatever He can to reach us in our time of despair and need! In Captivating, the author speaks of a woman who is so at ease with herself because she finds her strength and identity in the Lord that women are at ease with themselves in her presence. I don't remember the exact wording, but it spoke of being able to "breath" in this woman's presence because there was room to breath based on her ability to rest in God. I didn't know about all the God parts of that woman, but I knew deep down, throwing out all morals, all laws, all boundaries, the thing I wanted more than anything else in life was to be that woman! As soon as that thought came over me, a still small voice said, "And how do you think you will be that woman without me?" And that began my journey back to God.
The next steps of faith were harder to take as I didn't want to experience disappointment. I struggled for almost a decade with how to handle when walking by faith didn't produce anything I thought I would see! But God was so faithful to continue to write and perfect my faith through calling me to acts that would test my ability to trust Him. To be able to handle disappointment and not turn all the emotions of that disappointment into disappointment in God.
I was watching the Bethel sermon from last Sunday, March 17, 2013. If you are struggling through any disappointments, I would highly encourage you to watch it! And Bill Johnson said, "God's ability to redeem hellish situations is so profound, the Church has jumped to conclusions assuming God designed the hellish situation....We must distinguish between what God approved, what he ordained, and what the enemy meant for evil." That is profound people! Until we can do that, we will never fully trust God. Until we can do this, the enemy will always taunt us with questions of whether God is truly good or whether we can truly trust God. Until you have walked through horrible situations and can say without a doubt God is good and can be trusted, the enemy will call those truths into question in your mind. Bill goes on to say that death, loss and destruction are the enemy's fingerprints. God can absolutely, and he does in amazing ways, use those circumstances to draw people to Him or to transform His people, but they are not from him!
One of the statements that made the hair stand up on the back of my neck this past week was about adoptions situations and when they don't go as we plan. The statement pretty well said just accept it. It was God's will. I just wanted to scream, "NO! IT'S NOT!" God is a God of restoration, healing, life! Anything that is death, destruction and loss is from the enemy! Does God allow those things, yes! Will I ever understand why He allows them? Not fully...His ways are not mine...or yours! But when we fall into the thinking that those events, those circumstances that bring death, loss and destruction were His ordained will, we have created god who is not to be trusted. We create a god who is not love. We create a god who is not faithful. And that is not the God I serve!
It has taken me nearly 10 years to be able to write this post with confidence and absolute belief! Meaning, I know in my core, I have experienced in my inner being that even when things don't go as planned, God is good! God is trustworthy! God is faithful! I could quote the scripture before, but it was just empty words....now those words are supported with belief and "knowing"! It took "losing" another daughter to get to that point.
To be continued.....
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
It's Not for Comfort
My first week down with the new job..and there were many moments I wondered what in the world I got myself into! There were many unexpected challenges as some things were not in order that were thought to be in order when I took the position. We were very short staffed which meant I was in a baby room most of the week while also trying to figure out how the office ran. It was challenging to say the least. But I survived! And really, I am enjoying working with other adults instead of alone as I do with the agency. And I know I will enjoy the tangible difference I see in the center as things turn around, and we take it to the next level. God has brought some pretty awesome people to our center this week. I hired a head start teacher who will start in a couple of weeks. That is what I had prayed for...trained, experienced teachers. I also have staff that have stuck with us through the transition which after last week, I realize is a miracle as it has been stressful on them as well.
As I went to bed exhausted and sick one night this weekend, I just cried out to God, "WHY?!" As mush as I really do love being at the center and having the opportunity to love on and pray with and over so many children, I really was not looking for any more responsibility or things to do. Yes, the extra income is nice, although once again I find myself in a position where I could work at most fast food places and make more per hour than I am currently. I have had several people ask me "why?!" who knew all that was already on my plate. After you are asked that enough, you really start to wonder...did I miss it? Am I really that dumb to have taken this on?
So I went back to the One who I believe asked me to take it on. I cried out and again He answered. First, He reminded me that what I am doing in the daycare has eternal value in the lives that it touches both children and parents. Then He also reminded me of my passion for the Body of Christ that we now call home. It is a small church that struggles financially from time to time. But the potential in this Body because of the heart of our people, and our pastor, for people to intimately know God in a life changing way and our desire to see God's glory go public, makes me dream of the lives it could impact for the Kingdom. But we need resources. The learning center is one way to raise revenue that can impact the church and equip it to do what God has for our part of His Body. And that renewed my commitment to what I am doing. Then we watched the first episode of The Bible. As I watched the part about Moses, how he stepped out and told the people God sent him to free them - many laughed and scoffed. Only a few believed him. I was encouraged about the reactions many have had to the news that I was taking on this responsibility. So many stories in the Bible are about people stepping out and doing the unpopular or out of the ordinary thing - having a baby while still a virgin and unmarried, marrying a pregnant woman who could shame your family, building a great big boat when it had never rained, raising a sword to kill your son - the one who would fulfill a promise of descendants that out number the stars in the sky- and the list goes on and on. God reminded me that many times life with his is not comfortable! But oh how that goes against what most of America is about! Work until you have enough to retire comfortably then travel the world. Get your children raised so you can enjoy life to yourself. It seems that most of what our society is about is comfort. But nothing about what God is about is comfort. He calls us to a life of surrender! Don't get me wrong, I don't think He calls us to a life of martyrdom either where we are constantly throwing ourselves on a sword for "his cause"! But I think there are seasons of growth. When He answered me on whether or not I should take this position, He told me it was for training. Training is hard. Training stretches you. Training is not comfortable. I guess maybe that has struck me so hard because I thought after all this time that I had overcome the need for comfort. I thought I had conquered the American dream of just coasting through life. Yet when I was stretched, the thing that I regretted was that I couldn't just be comfortable. Which is why I am in need of more training!
Day one of this week wasn't much better as I worked a 13 hour day between the agency and the daycare. Luckily it is Spring Break here so John is off with the kids. But as I walked in the door and saw that the babies were already in bed, I burst into tears! I miss my kids! I know they and John are my first ministry. So I will be finding balance in the days and weeks to come. I have learned I am an all or nothing person through becoming a working mom. That makes balance a really difficult thing! When I am home, I just want to be home and don't want to think about work. When I am at work, I just want to work and find it hard to leave things undone to to home. Thinking this is probably another part of my training ground....listening to the still small voice Who has a plan for my day and trusting that He orders my steps!
So on to day two of week two!
As I went to bed exhausted and sick one night this weekend, I just cried out to God, "WHY?!" As mush as I really do love being at the center and having the opportunity to love on and pray with and over so many children, I really was not looking for any more responsibility or things to do. Yes, the extra income is nice, although once again I find myself in a position where I could work at most fast food places and make more per hour than I am currently. I have had several people ask me "why?!" who knew all that was already on my plate. After you are asked that enough, you really start to wonder...did I miss it? Am I really that dumb to have taken this on?
So I went back to the One who I believe asked me to take it on. I cried out and again He answered. First, He reminded me that what I am doing in the daycare has eternal value in the lives that it touches both children and parents. Then He also reminded me of my passion for the Body of Christ that we now call home. It is a small church that struggles financially from time to time. But the potential in this Body because of the heart of our people, and our pastor, for people to intimately know God in a life changing way and our desire to see God's glory go public, makes me dream of the lives it could impact for the Kingdom. But we need resources. The learning center is one way to raise revenue that can impact the church and equip it to do what God has for our part of His Body. And that renewed my commitment to what I am doing. Then we watched the first episode of The Bible. As I watched the part about Moses, how he stepped out and told the people God sent him to free them - many laughed and scoffed. Only a few believed him. I was encouraged about the reactions many have had to the news that I was taking on this responsibility. So many stories in the Bible are about people stepping out and doing the unpopular or out of the ordinary thing - having a baby while still a virgin and unmarried, marrying a pregnant woman who could shame your family, building a great big boat when it had never rained, raising a sword to kill your son - the one who would fulfill a promise of descendants that out number the stars in the sky- and the list goes on and on. God reminded me that many times life with his is not comfortable! But oh how that goes against what most of America is about! Work until you have enough to retire comfortably then travel the world. Get your children raised so you can enjoy life to yourself. It seems that most of what our society is about is comfort. But nothing about what God is about is comfort. He calls us to a life of surrender! Don't get me wrong, I don't think He calls us to a life of martyrdom either where we are constantly throwing ourselves on a sword for "his cause"! But I think there are seasons of growth. When He answered me on whether or not I should take this position, He told me it was for training. Training is hard. Training stretches you. Training is not comfortable. I guess maybe that has struck me so hard because I thought after all this time that I had overcome the need for comfort. I thought I had conquered the American dream of just coasting through life. Yet when I was stretched, the thing that I regretted was that I couldn't just be comfortable. Which is why I am in need of more training!
Day one of this week wasn't much better as I worked a 13 hour day between the agency and the daycare. Luckily it is Spring Break here so John is off with the kids. But as I walked in the door and saw that the babies were already in bed, I burst into tears! I miss my kids! I know they and John are my first ministry. So I will be finding balance in the days and weeks to come. I have learned I am an all or nothing person through becoming a working mom. That makes balance a really difficult thing! When I am home, I just want to be home and don't want to think about work. When I am at work, I just want to work and find it hard to leave things undone to to home. Thinking this is probably another part of my training ground....listening to the still small voice Who has a plan for my day and trusting that He orders my steps!
So on to day two of week two!
Friday, February 1, 2013
Is it worth the wedge?
So I am away from the family for the weekend! Not just a fun trip, although anytime my husband graciously takes over the healm and allows me to get away, it's fun...and relaxing...and a blessing! However, this is a trip with a mission! I am picking up writing the book I started earlier this year on the spiritual battle of adoption. I am in an amazing home thanks to our friends Susan and Arnold Nall who have an empty house this weekend! At this moment I am sitting on a fabulour orange "couch" - pretty sure that is NOT what you call it - while I type away. I feel so pampered!
I had a five hour drive to get here. That means five quiet, nobody screaming "mommy!", no fighting, no needs hours! I had my phone loaded with praise music and podcasts! It was a little piece of heaven on earth!
As I drove and worshiped and prayed, God brought up a sin that I have struggled with for years. I am a sinner, I know that full well! I don't want this to come off like this is my "only" sin. I know that I sin every day, but as a mature believer, I should not have deliberate sin. Meaning, I shouldn't start to do something, hear the voice of God tell me not to do it, or just know already it is wrong, and do it anyway. That is what I call deliberate, or willful sin. This sin that God brought to mind was a willful sin. But God didn't bring it up to condemn (there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, Romans 8:1). He brought it up to make me aware that the struggle over that sin is gone. It is a sin that was a stronghold. I had received deliverance before from the stronghold that resulted in this sin. But I slipped back into the sin....lots of reasons why that I am not going to go into here. But what God revealed to me today is that the sin is no longer a struggle becuase I know that when I took part in that action, it caused a separation between me and God (2 Corinthians 11:3, But I am afraid that as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts will be led astray from a sincere and pure devotion to Christ). Not a separation where I lost my salvation! I don't earn my salvation, I can't lose it by sinning. Goodness, then we all would lose our salvation every day! That's not the separation I mean. It's a loss of intimacy with God. When John and I have a fight over something, there is a wedge between us. We are still married, but the conflict between us makes it difficult to express our feelings to each other. All analogies break down on some level, and I know God's love for us is constant and never changing, but when I am taking part in willful sin, I cannot have a sincere and pure devotion to Christ thus preventing the level of intimacy I can enjoy when I am walking in the light and not participting in deliberate sin! God showed me that the reason my struggle over this sin is gone is becuase the level of intimacy I have with God in this season of my life is not worth risking for the temporary gratification of the sin!
Now, you may be going, "duh?!" But here was the kicker for me. I realized in that moment that obvilously my relationship with God, from my perspective, before was worth sacrificing for the immediate gratification of the sin.
It left me with this very interesting question: If we are not affected by the wedge sin puts between us and God, then is our relationship with God as intimate as we might think it is?
Just some food for thought.....
I had a five hour drive to get here. That means five quiet, nobody screaming "mommy!", no fighting, no needs hours! I had my phone loaded with praise music and podcasts! It was a little piece of heaven on earth!
As I drove and worshiped and prayed, God brought up a sin that I have struggled with for years. I am a sinner, I know that full well! I don't want this to come off like this is my "only" sin. I know that I sin every day, but as a mature believer, I should not have deliberate sin. Meaning, I shouldn't start to do something, hear the voice of God tell me not to do it, or just know already it is wrong, and do it anyway. That is what I call deliberate, or willful sin. This sin that God brought to mind was a willful sin. But God didn't bring it up to condemn (there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, Romans 8:1). He brought it up to make me aware that the struggle over that sin is gone. It is a sin that was a stronghold. I had received deliverance before from the stronghold that resulted in this sin. But I slipped back into the sin....lots of reasons why that I am not going to go into here. But what God revealed to me today is that the sin is no longer a struggle becuase I know that when I took part in that action, it caused a separation between me and God (2 Corinthians 11:3, But I am afraid that as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts will be led astray from a sincere and pure devotion to Christ). Not a separation where I lost my salvation! I don't earn my salvation, I can't lose it by sinning. Goodness, then we all would lose our salvation every day! That's not the separation I mean. It's a loss of intimacy with God. When John and I have a fight over something, there is a wedge between us. We are still married, but the conflict between us makes it difficult to express our feelings to each other. All analogies break down on some level, and I know God's love for us is constant and never changing, but when I am taking part in willful sin, I cannot have a sincere and pure devotion to Christ thus preventing the level of intimacy I can enjoy when I am walking in the light and not participting in deliberate sin! God showed me that the reason my struggle over this sin is gone is becuase the level of intimacy I have with God in this season of my life is not worth risking for the temporary gratification of the sin!
Now, you may be going, "duh?!" But here was the kicker for me. I realized in that moment that obvilously my relationship with God, from my perspective, before was worth sacrificing for the immediate gratification of the sin.
It left me with this very interesting question: If we are not affected by the wedge sin puts between us and God, then is our relationship with God as intimate as we might think it is?
Just some food for thought.....
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Stable and Fixed
I have been a bit quiet on here lately. Mostly because I haven't had a lot of thoughts that I could really put into words or what I could was not really suitable for a public forum. It's been a hard few weeks! God is teaching me much and continuing to draw me closer to Him and for that I am thankful. But the biggest lesson He is teaching me is the lesson of remaining stable and fixed.
Its funny how scriptures that I have read before, or even memorized, now have new meaning when I think of them through this lesson! Scriptures like Isaiah 40:31 that says "those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
I texted a friend who I felt could relate the other day and described this season of life in this way. I feel as though I am standing on a board with one foot on each end, spread eagle so to speak. But the middle of the board is on a stability ball. The slightest pressure on one foot or the other and I will bite the dust! It seems as if just about the time I get my balance, we get a call about in issue with Paizley, a friend says something that brings the hurt in my heart to the surface, I see a baby about Peighton's age, and the pressure is applied to one side or the other and the balance is gone. My arms go to flailing, my knees go to rocking all in an effort to recover the balance. I don't like the flailing stage! And what God keeps showing me is how much energy I waist flailing when He intends for me to be so in tune with Him that I can walk through any circumstances and never lose my balance.
Please understand, I am not saying stuff feelings or ignore hurts. I am not saying be a door mat to those who want to trample you. In fact, its quite the opposite. Stuffing the feelings only adds weight to my shoulders as I try to maintain that balance with one foot on each side of the teetering board. What God is saying is to roll my cares on Him! Truly trust Him with my feelings and the outcome of the situation...whether its Peighton's safety or paying the bills next month, He is teaching me to fully and completely release my cares and worries to Him!
A little over a year ago, when I literally thought I was losing my mind, God gave me Isaiah 26:3, "You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You." I would speak that out loud until the peace would come back! It was the scripture God gave me to "reset" so to speak my balance. And as I have walked the past few weeks, it has been my life line!
When something comes along that knocks me off balance, or I just start to get that restless or anxious feeling rising up in me, I know my focus is off! I go to scripture in order to regain the balance and to remain hidden in the Secret Place, "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand]. He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings shall you trust and find refuge." Psalm 91:1,4
No matter what my circumstances say, there is a Secret Place where I can remain stable and fixed! God literally hides us from the enemy when we remain in that place. We are untouchable! It doesn't mean bad things can't happen to us...it only means when bad things do happen, they don't send us flailing! Just like Isaiah 40:31 says, we will soar...we will rise above our circumstances and walk through these trials with out them taking over our emotions and wrecking our balance. Kind of like the three Bendagos as they were thrown in the fire but came out not even smelling like smoke after Jesus appeared in the fire with them! Jesus is teaching me to recognize Him standing with me in the fire and know that as long as I look into His face and let Him dictate the steps I take, the battles I fight, the battles I lay down, I will walk out of these fires not even smelling like smoke!
Its funny how scriptures that I have read before, or even memorized, now have new meaning when I think of them through this lesson! Scriptures like Isaiah 40:31 that says "those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
I texted a friend who I felt could relate the other day and described this season of life in this way. I feel as though I am standing on a board with one foot on each end, spread eagle so to speak. But the middle of the board is on a stability ball. The slightest pressure on one foot or the other and I will bite the dust! It seems as if just about the time I get my balance, we get a call about in issue with Paizley, a friend says something that brings the hurt in my heart to the surface, I see a baby about Peighton's age, and the pressure is applied to one side or the other and the balance is gone. My arms go to flailing, my knees go to rocking all in an effort to recover the balance. I don't like the flailing stage! And what God keeps showing me is how much energy I waist flailing when He intends for me to be so in tune with Him that I can walk through any circumstances and never lose my balance.
Please understand, I am not saying stuff feelings or ignore hurts. I am not saying be a door mat to those who want to trample you. In fact, its quite the opposite. Stuffing the feelings only adds weight to my shoulders as I try to maintain that balance with one foot on each side of the teetering board. What God is saying is to roll my cares on Him! Truly trust Him with my feelings and the outcome of the situation...whether its Peighton's safety or paying the bills next month, He is teaching me to fully and completely release my cares and worries to Him!
A little over a year ago, when I literally thought I was losing my mind, God gave me Isaiah 26:3, "You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You." I would speak that out loud until the peace would come back! It was the scripture God gave me to "reset" so to speak my balance. And as I have walked the past few weeks, it has been my life line!
When something comes along that knocks me off balance, or I just start to get that restless or anxious feeling rising up in me, I know my focus is off! I go to scripture in order to regain the balance and to remain hidden in the Secret Place, "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand]. He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings shall you trust and find refuge." Psalm 91:1,4
No matter what my circumstances say, there is a Secret Place where I can remain stable and fixed! God literally hides us from the enemy when we remain in that place. We are untouchable! It doesn't mean bad things can't happen to us...it only means when bad things do happen, they don't send us flailing! Just like Isaiah 40:31 says, we will soar...we will rise above our circumstances and walk through these trials with out them taking over our emotions and wrecking our balance. Kind of like the three Bendagos as they were thrown in the fire but came out not even smelling like smoke after Jesus appeared in the fire with them! Jesus is teaching me to recognize Him standing with me in the fire and know that as long as I look into His face and let Him dictate the steps I take, the battles I fight, the battles I lay down, I will walk out of these fires not even smelling like smoke!
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