Released

There is no manual for how to act when you have a wayward child.  There is also no manual for how to act when a friend has a wayward child.  I'm thinking me and a couple of friends could write one of those!  We have some crazy stories!  But God brought some direction...some instructions yesterday through the blessing of a dear friend!  Oddly enough, that same friend joked with me that she needed more blog posts to keep up with me...so Tracey, this is for you!  You have no idea how you blessed me yesterday!  THANK YOU!!!!

I had the pleasure of spending some time with my dear friend Tracey yesterday.  Tracey and I met in high school, but became kindred spirits when we were in the same Sunday School class after graduating college.  We have been through marriages, a miscarriage, births, all our adoptions - those that failed and those that brought a new life to our home...over 20 years of life together!  Through numerous moves on behalf of both of us, we have remained friends and stayed in touch.  And she is not even on Facebook!  So it's like a real, old timey relationship! Tracey has always been one of my biggest cheerleaders!  Every time we get together, whether it has been weeks, months, or years, we pick up right where we left off.  I have learned over the years that is the mark of true friendship!  Every time we meet, Tracey never fails to tell me how much she admires me.  That always blows my mind because Tracey is one of about three people on this earth who know ALL of my scoop!  I don't think there is anything in my closet that Tracey doesn't know!  And the fact that she is even still my friend knowing all she knows is pretty amazing..much less has such lofty things to say.

Yesterday Tracey invited me to come to an event at her parents' church (the church where we rekindled our friendship all those years ago) where she was the featured guest bringing the program.  The theme verse for the event was 2 Corinthians 9:8 "And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."  It was on the wall behind where Tracey stood to sing and speak.  I love holidays!  This is absolutely my favorite time of year!  So being at the event where everything is festive would normally be a thrill for me.  But as I walked around the room looking at the themed tables and greeting long time friends that I hadn't seen in years, something was off.  There was a fog, a heaviness.

Tracey got up to sing.  She sang lots of oldy moldies as she said from our youth!  I'm not particularly fond of thinking of songs from my era as oldy moldies, but I guess I am getting to "that" age.  Tracey challenged all of us to put aside the stressed of the day, the week and just concentrate on the blessings in our life.  As I did that, there was this voice that popped up and said, "when you are thinking about the blessings, don't forget the pain of the one not with you!"  The fog was back.  Immediately, I heard that still small voice that has become my comfort and my strength over the past few years say, "That's not me!  That has never been me."  I realized in that moment that since Paizley left our home while we were out of town that day, I have felt a need to be sad.  I have felt like being happy or being fully joyful was wrong.  I have never lost a child who live in my home to death.  We lost Addy, and that was very painful, but it was different than losing a child you have held, poured into day in and day out.  John and I have talked often that having a child who walks away from your family is much like a death in the family.  There is obviously still the hope of reconciliation someday that you don't have with a death.  And I don't mean to lessen the pain of my dear friends who have lost children to death.  But as I sat there yesterday, I thought of stories I have heard of moms who have lost children to death and how they weren't sure how to be happy again.  I felt that tug of war in my soul yesterday.  The pain of the past few months, not just missing my daughter and granddaughter, but the false accusations, the total rejection of who we are, has been more painful than I could have ever imagined.  But God's word says that joy comes in the morning!  The problem was, the enemy had me convinced that the morning couldn't come until my daughter was fully reconciled to me.  The problem with that is...that reconciliation is not my choice.  So my "joy" was dependent an event that I couldn't control.  One of the adoptive parents I am doing a home study for has hit some of the bumps we all face in the adoption process.  We have talked quite a bit about the spiritual side of adoption.  She had sent me a message earlier that day.  God as setting the stage for me!  I love it when He does this!  Reminds me again of just how much He loves me (and YOU by the way!), and how personal He is! The message was from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.   It was on obedience.  John 14:15 - If you love me, you will obey my commandments.  It talked about how obedience is a choice. God will not force us to do what He asks, He is a gentleman.  Two years ago, we obeyed.  That obedience is what God uses to show Himself to us and to others.  The outcome of the obedience isn't what I had hoped and definitely not what I had dreamed, but the obedience - doing what God asked me to do - and the continued obedience in this situation, is what God is asking of me.   In that moment yesterday when Tracey asked us to count our blessings, 6 faces popped into my head as the breath of one of those blessings brushed my neck as I held her in my lap.  I pulled her a little closer to me and the tears began to fall.  The release had come!  God had spoken.  "Stop making yourself pay for what you had no control over.  You obeyed when others would have ran.  You obeyed when others told you to run. Stop forcing a cloud over every family event.  Enter this glorious season of thankfulness and of celebrating My Gift to you with a full heart."   Wow!  I didn't know!  I didn't realize until that moment I felt I had to have an element of sadness to every family event we did - family pictures, carving pumpkins, watching a movie as a family.  I felt like I had to almost verbally acknowledge the missing piece before we could go on with our event.  But God released me from that!  I can enjoy the holiday traditions we have as a family without having a moment of silence that someone is missing.  My other children deserve a mom who is all in...not holding back because there needs to be a cloud over all we do.  

There will be times of sadness, I know.  There will be genuine mourning in the coming holiday season.  But I am released, free to celebrate our family traditions, free to dance with my children, free to relish making Christmas cookies, and free to be Thankful for the blessed life I have as we gather around a table in a few weeks!  Free to fully feel joy and peace despite a missing piece!

And that my friends, is the peace that passes all understanding that only a God who knows the pain of losing His own Son for MY sins can bring!  I owe Him my life!

Seek First the Kingdom

This is a blog post that has been floating around for some time now in my head, but just can't seem to stop long enough to get anything down these days! But on this Thanksgiving eve, the house is quiet and I'm enjoying some time of reflection. So here ya go!

John works for a state agency in education. As such he has contact with many districts locally and many other people state wide. All that to say, he gets asked to apply for jobs fairly regularly. Anyone who knows John knows that is dangerous since he thrives on change (hince the 9 houses in 11 years of marriage and four jobs in his current place of employment in 5 years)! He has learned to not entertain these requests on a regular basis or I would go bonkers...I'm the not-so-fond of change one!

But I knew something was different when he came home a few weeks ago and said he had been asked to apply at a small district not too far from here. I could tell he was actually considering this one. It took me by surprise. But the more we talked about it, the more there seemed to be some valid reasons to consider it. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized I really do miss a lot about small town life and I REALLY miss living in the country where I can watch the sunrise and sunset as I connect with God in amazing ways in nature! I can just hear his voice so much clearer and feel His presence in a stronger way when I am away from the distractions of a city. There are a couple of our kids who would really thrive in the environment that this job offered for them in school. And then there was the obvious career benefit for John. It would give him some vital experience that he needs to take the next step in his career. So we continued to pray, and John started talking to the key people about the job. Not too long into the process we found out the house that was provided as part of the package (a common thing in small town schools in the middle of no where as an incentive to attract administrators to schools) was only 3 bedroom and two bath. We have to have at least four bedrooms. The two bath we could find a way to live with, but we would have to have a 4th bedroom. We initially thought this was a closed door. But the powers that be asked us to come look at the house because there were a couple of rooms that could be bedrooms. So we agreed. We weren't sure where those rooms were that could be bedrooms, but there was a garage that could easily be converted, and we decided we could make it work! If this is where God wanted us, we could and would make the house work. We would be in close quarters, but we also realize we are tremendously blessed with our current house. We were willing to do whatever necessary to be where God wanted us. I have failed to mention one of the biggest perks of this job. Taking this job would have put at least $4,000 into our monthly budget. Yes, I meant to put that many zero's! That meant we could easily pay off all debt in a year and still take a trip to Disney in the next year! John and I both started dreaming of what it would mean to be able to buy groceries without scrimping here and there. We could actually afford to just go get the boys tennis shoes when they needed them instead of having to wait until the next pay day and pray that no one else's toe would start sticking out of their shoe before the next pay day! It would mean more flexibility to help with the agency like being able to hire a house keeper or have a couple days a week where Journey and Madison were both in some kind of childcare so that I could work without interruption. The list goes on and on of what that kind of money in our monthly budget would do for us.

But no matter how many pro and con lists we made and no matter how much we wanted the financial freedom this would bring, we had no peace about taking the job. God finally just gave me an answer that was simply "stay" - followed by "trust Me". I knew God was calling me to live out Matthew 6 in a way I never have...and at a time when believing God for things has been a struggle, God was asking me to not worry about what I would wear or what I would eat, or even about John's career but to trust Him! He was asking me to seek Him and His righteousness first....and I believe everything else will be added to us!

After hearing how much the new tires cost on the suburban this morning and struggling to find the money to buy Christmas for the kids, I have at times questioned why we didn't just take the money and go! But I know that God is doing a new work...He is asking me to trust Him with our finances and with His provision for us! I am excited to see how God shows off in this area! Stay tuned......

One year ago today

Our first ever mother/daughter picture!

One year ago today, Paizley came to live with us....forever. This year has been one of the hardest of my life. I just finished "Wait No More" a book by a family who adopted from CPS and she now works for Focus on the Family in CO. There is a quote in there that goes something like adopting teenagers is like pouring gasoline on the fire of your own sins. I can testify to that! While we have had our struggles trying to mesh our two worlds and become a family, the majority of my hard times this year have been seeing my own flaws and struggles magnified and having to deal with them.

We still have our things to work through. Some of them pretty major. But as I sat and talked to Paizley today, I shared that even with all the heartache and struggles of the past year, I would do it again. She wanted to know why and through my own tears I told her because she is worth it. I watched as the tears fell from her eyes as she heard me say that she needed a mother and God wanted me to be in that role for her. And just on that fact alone, it is all worth it and I would do it all again. If someone had said to me, this is exactly what the next year will bring and this is how you will feel and these are the trials this decision will bring, I would not have said yes! But that is why it's called faith! And that is why I am thankful God calls us to what I've come to refer to as blind obedience! I was as educated on the issues of adopting an older child from CPS as anyone can be, but nothing could have prepared me for this past year. But God has carried me through it and I have learned more about Him in the past year than any other year of my life!

So on this eve of Thanksgiving, I am thankful that one year ago today I didn't know what the year in front of me would hold and I opened my door and my heart to an amazing young woman who needed a mother and a father and brothers and sisters...and even more than all that, she needed to know He Savior in an intimate way. I am thankful that God has allowed us to walk this journey. And I am trusting Him with the year we are entering now!