It will be enough.....

Can anyone out there relate to weariness?  I know weary in this season like I have never known weary before.  I thought I knew weary, but this is weary at a whole new level!  John and I were talking the other day.  I know the joy of the Lord is my strength.  I know we are supposed to have abundant life, and I don't believe that life is one that finds us grumbling all the time and ....weary.  Yet, that is exactly where I find myself most days.

I am doing all I know to do.  I am in the Word daily, praying almost hourly, crying out to God - often even out loud - through out the day as I have feelings of being overwhelmed and feel like the water is most definitely going over my head.  So then the voices start accusing me of not having joy on top of all the other accusations that they have hurled at me throughout the day!

I shared with John that right now life feels like I get up, fail at being a good mother, fail at being a good wife, leave work with a bigger to-do list than I started with despite working my tail off all day, fail at health, fail at our finances....you get the picture.  Then I go to bed defeated, wake up - sometimes with a fresh outlook sometimes with just enough strength to get out of bed - and do it all over again.  There are moments of joy when a baby laughs and it makes me smile, or Journey has a new word he uses in the wrong context, or I see one of the older ones nurturing a relationship with a younger sibling, or John schedules me a massage....there are moments of joy, but overall, life is just extremely weary.

So as I look at school starting and entering the fall season where our schedule becomes double and triple booked most evenings, I almost faint with fear.  I have been trying to gear up.  Yet, it seems God's presence has been just beyond reach the past week.  So today, I just sat down and cried out for a fresh Word from Him.  I just sat in my chair with my coffee...just got still before Him and asked Him to speak.

I opened my Bible, and there was a book mark that took me to Judges.  And plain as day I heard in my head "Judges 6".  So I turn there and start reading.  God promises when we seek Him we will find Him! And today I can testify that is true!

As I began to read Judges 6, I realized it is a very familiar story.  One I had actually read not that long ago after hearing a teaching on Gideon and wanting to do more study on the back story.  There is a part of Gideon's story that I can so relate with! In Judges 6:13, Gideon asks the angel of the Lord, "if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our fathers told us about when they said, 'Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?' But now the Lord has abandoned us and put us into the hand of Midian."  I have rants like that to God, John and sometimes poor intimate friends who catch me on a bad day!  But God, where are the finances to provide for these children you asked me to care for?  But God, if you are with us, why am I having to fight so hard to keep placing waiting children in homes?  But God where is the money to pay for the adoption of these two babies? But God, where is the time to love and parent 8 children and run a ministry and fight for children? Where are all the promises you have given to me when we walked by faith?

Let me stop there and just say....every huge faith step that John and I have taken in the past almost 17 years have failed.  Yes, failed.  At least that is how it appears when looking at outcomes.  If it didn't completely fail, then the outcome looked nothing like what we had thought it would when we stepped off that mountain into a free-fall of trust and faith into it!  I can remember a few years ago when we were once again looking into the face of a huge faith journey.  I just sat and cried asking God why all my "stones of remembrance" were ones of Him failing me?  But as the years have passed, and as I have gotten to know my God more intimately, I no longer look back at those stones of remembrance the same way.  It's true Eden and Addy didn't come home.  It's true adoptions in Liberia did not open back up.  It's true I am not currently in a relationship with the daughter God gave me a mother's heart for. It's true the contract that I worked three years to complete is in jeopardy after only placing 5 waiting children in forever homes.  But with mature eyes, I can see that in each and every one of those circumstances, I grew closer to God.  He taught me a little each time about faith and trust.  He showed me a new dimension of Himself in each journey we took.  And really, I think that was His goal when He asked us to take the step of faith...not the outcome we sought!

So today as I sat and reflected on my weariness and all of the promises God has given over the past couple of years that seem to be empty, I cried out for a new Word of encouragement from the One I have grown to trust and love...and truly believe is good no matter what the circumstances of my life might say.

And just like Him, in His very personal, loving and intimate nature, He answered.  After Gideon's rant about "where are you", God answers him with a sentence I know I have read multiple times but never saw before this morning.  The Holy Spirit highlighted it as I read this morning.  It says, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand.  Am I not sending you?" In the strength you have - soothing balm to my weary soul! God knows I am tired.  God knows I end each day with just enough energy - physically, emotionally and often spiritually - to climb in bed and lay down my head.  And this morning He let me know, that's enough!  Whatever you have, do what I have asked with what you have....it will be enough!

What are you facing today that seems overwhelming? Are you weary or defeated?  Can I encourage you to face today with what you have?  Do it tired.  Do it afraid.  Do it broke.  Do it depressed.  Whatever God is asking you to do this morning, do it with what you have, and at the end of the day, it will be enough if You are trusting in Him!

More of You, No Matter the Cost!

I've really got to stop writing posts like the last one!  Seems that every time I do, I'm challenged on the truth I put into words.  Later the same day that I had written the post, I received a letter in the mail that opened a firestorm of events in my life.  Events that would bring a first for me.  You know when you say on a phone call, "get this fixed or you will be speaking to my attorney?"  Well, I had to make good on that for the first time in my life yesterday!  Someday I will share details - but right now, please pray for me.  I am up against a system in our society that I have learned this week is known for it's retaliation and blackballing of people who whistle blow.  And anyone who knows me knows that nothing gets my blood boiling like injustice....and this system works with underprivileged people all the time!  If they are doing this to me, I cannot even imagine what they are doing to those who do not have an understanding of the system or have the means to fight this giant!  It is on their behalf that I will fight this!  I wear a bracelet that says, "Be the Change!"  Putting feet to that in this situation.

Then we get news about a family member that sent us to our knees in fear as well as concern and overwhelming sadness.  The battle with the social system had me once again wanting to walk away from the work that I do.  I know the enemy is out to get my ministry.  It is evident.  As I was in between phone calls on Monday dealing with the current issue, my phone rings and it is a reporter from the New Yorker calling to fact find on the piece I gave information for over a year ago (that honestly I thought had already gone to print and I just missed seeing it) about the corruption in adoption in Liberia when we worked there.  I am going to have to find the post of when we brought Toben home and re-post...not even sure I ever really posted about it because it was such a traumatic event at the time.  Google my name.  You will find a news article that says I trafficked children.  That was what we found when we got on US soil with our precious Toben after a 10 day fight!  Working internationally and accused of child trafficking.  Working domestically, and now this.  It was as if God was sending me a message with the call from the New Yorker..."Remember what happened when the enemy did this?  You spent a couple of weeks worrying if the FBI was going to show up on your doorstep and arrest you.  Nothing came of that!  You almost laugh at it now.  You will do the same of this situation!"  It was in that moment that God solidified once again the call He has on my life.  I'm not special!  He has a call on all our lives...you have one on yours too!  And then He reminded me of the week I went to Austin and had some life transforming moments with Him.

I listened to Bill Johnson podcasts all the way to Austin that week.  He spoke right to my soul!  He taught on some things that God has used to literally transform my life, my thinking.  The podcast that challenged me the most was "Being the Sacrifice Fire Falls On".  Google it and listen to it, but beware!  It is life changing!  God reminded me yesterday that I had prayed the same prayer Bill Johnson prayed....more of you, God, no matter the cost!  When Bill Johnson prayed that, he woke up paralyzed three nights in a row.  It's an amazing testimony!

Within weeks of coming home from that trip where I prayed with all my being to experience more of God and to know Him at a different level than I ever have, a child left our family, my house was torn apart by a remodel, my marriage hit some bumps and my ministry is threatened!  Every area of my identity has been rocked!  The small voice came back, "Do you still mean it?  Do you really mean  whatever the cost?"  And in the face of all the conflict, especially the threatening of my ministry, and in a moment that I truly believe God was saying, "You can walk away!", I knew I really did mean it!  More of God, less of me, whatever the cost! Bill Johnson says it best:

"Doesn't matter what it costs.  I died to that a long time ago.  I'm not in this because of what I get, I'm in it because it's what I was born for.  I was summoned.  I was called by The Only One who has a right to rule my life. I was summoned, I was called by name.  I would be a fool to say no to that summons, that call, that invitation. [I have a desire] to be the offering, that which attracts God."

Don't hear me say that God puts us through trials for kicks or for His own pompous need for us to need Him.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  He allows trials in our lives for our own need of Him.  In our weakness is when He is strong. It is in our raw need that we see Him the most.  It is in our desperate times that we learn to lean on Him...when we literally have nothing or no one else. And that is where these events have left me!  Raw, vulnerable and totally open to the presence of God because He is the only One who can bring peace.  I have learned to find contentment in any and all circumstances.  I have learned to not be led by emotions.  I have learned to trust Him and fight the enemy not believing the lies the enemy tries to throw at me.  I have learned to live by faith - being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see - in a way I never have.  I have been challenged to believe that without faith it is impossible to please God and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him!  To believe any of that, I had to believe what I read in the Bible is truth and "reality" and not my circumstances!

And in the face of it all, I say, if I get a more intimate knowledge of God and relationship with God in the exchange, I say, YES!

Trusting Obedience

Sunday during church, our pastor took us to Hebrews 5:7-8. I have started using my app on my phone for my Bible during church. It was set to The Message version. So when I looked up this scripture, this is what it said, " Though he was God's Son, he learned trusting-obedience by what he suffered, just as we do." Wow! God's own son had to suffer (this was talking about when He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane for any other way to save us than for Him to go to the cross) in order to learn fully, trusting obedience! And then it goes on to say, we learn the same way! It was one of those times that you know God has just spoken directly to your heart over a struggle you have had for a LONG time! It is the answer to the past seven years! It is the answer to Eden not coming home, it is the answer to Liberia, it is the answer to a pregnant teen daughter. Through all these "sufferings" I have learned to trust God more (it may have taken me a few years to get there at times) and I have learned obedience...and when you put trusting obedience together, it means I have learned to obey when the picture doesn't look all warm and cozy as a result of that obedience.

Then this morning as I continue to meditate on this and what it means for my life, God encouraged me again with verse 9 in the NASB, "and having been made perfect, He became to all those who obey Him the source of eternal salvation." Because Jesus obeyed and went to the cross, he was made perfect - equipped - to be the eternal salvation God needed Him to be - that I needed Him to be! God reminded me that if I don't mature and grow, I will not be equipped for the work He has for me...and that will affect not only me but all those around me now and all those in my future that God intends for me to impact with my gifts and abilities...and the same is true for you!

I haven't blogged a lot about the Paizley's pregnancy because for one, I don't have much time to blog these days, but for another, my thoughts usually aren't bog worthy! I'm still sorting through all the emotions and flesh. But I have my God moments where I handle it in a mature way. And those moments are becoming more frequent...Praise God! Paizley and I had one of those moments this past week. We were both crying over what the pregnancy means for her...mourning the things that she has lost because of it. But even in our weeping and mourning, God gave me a realization and I shared it with Paizley. God spoke to John just a few days after we found out she was pregnant and told him that this baby would save her life. At the time my thought was, "it may save hers, but its gonna kill me!" Nice, warm cozy thought for a mom, huh?! Paizley was in a place before the pregnancy where she really wasn't open to a lot of things we were telling her. Much like many teens, but with her past, it magnified a lot of the "normal" teen struggles. The pregnancy has saved her life in a very real way. It has made her more open to the things we were trying to tell her about life. So as hard as this pregnancy is, I am thankful. And these scriptures sums up why I am thankful! I am thankful because I would rather be holding my pregnant teen daughter wondering how we will make it through this than waking up every morning not knowing where my daughter is and wondering if she is safe or lonely or hungry.

For me, this is trusting obedience, the kind that will equip me for the things God has ahead for me. It was trusting obedience that let me say yes to adopting a teen to begin with. And it is TRUSTING obedience that says we heard God correctly when we said yes to that adoption even thought the road is hard and not what we expected!

It is trusting obedience for Paizley that will get her through this tough time as well. It is teaching her to rely on God in ways she never had to before.

And it is trusting obedience that allows me to now thank God for this pregnancy (1 Thessalonians 5:18 - give thanks in all circumstances). If this is what it takes to mature Paizley in Christ...and me too!...then I will give thanks and I will continue to trust that God is using this to grow and equip us for the days to come...because one thing I know from the days past, I want to be equipped for what is to come!

Equipping the Called

I am in Austin, Texas for the Together for Adoption Conference. I have spent the day with Dr. Karyn Purvis, and I am here to tell you there is NOOOOOOO child who has been wounded toooooo deeply to be healed if we turn over enough rocks to find the tools...and with the power of the Holy Spirit! Can I tell you how my Spirit rejoiced when I heard a professional doctor say that! So many thing she said made common sense, why are more not saying it??!!! We need people studying under her to carry on this type of thinking in professional settings! I learned so much that I can't wait to get home and try on my own children, as well as so many things that have equipped me to better equip adoptive parents!

As I have thought about what I do and how people ask me all the time how I do it, this trip to Austin has brought back a memory that I think I just have to share. It is a humbling story. But speaks to the Truth that God will equip you to what He calls you to do! Being pre-equipped is not a pre-requisite. Let me explain!

Nearly six years ago, we lost Addy. God immediately called us to what has now become Addy's Hope. The ministry was birthed in a laundry room at a condo where we were staying the week in San Antonio, Texas. In the weeks to follow John and my laundry room conversation, God would throw doors open so we just kept walking through them. We did not have the slightest clue about how to run an adoption agency, a non-profit or a business. But we heard the voice of God, so we walked in obedience.

One of those steps was to go to Austin in order to attend an informational meeting in order to be licensed as a child placing agency. I was going to fly to Austin, meet two friends who were also working on getting a license, and fly home. I was terrified! I was a stay at home mom! I had no idea how to be in the "professional" world! Before being a stay at home mom, I was a teacher. That's just a little bit up the ladder, right? I mean few think of teachers as "real" professionals! Now I was going to be meeting with "big wigs" to see about becoming licensed. I got on line, looked up flights, called in, made my reservation, figured out how I was going to get to the meeting place, etc, etc. I layed down in bed that night sooooo proud of myself! I looked at John and said, "I did it!!! I made all the arrangements and I will arrive in Houston in enough time to get to the meeting." I sat straight up in the bed and threw my hand over my mouth! Got up and checked my reservation....sure enough! I had made my plane reservation for Houston and not Austin!!!! What little confidence I had mustered to start this journey was quickly depleted! But that would just be the first of M-A-N-Y episodes that God has used over the past 6 years to keep me humble in this journey! He reminds me that I need Him at every turn!

And today, that meant at every turn around too! On my way from the hotel to the church, I lost count of h ow many u-turns I did! I even called John to tell him that he would be laughing at me if he were here! Last night I did manage to make it to Austin by myself (at least I got the right city this time!), but the trip did include two u-turns and one small trip the wrong way down a one-way-road!

So if you are feeling called to something that you know you don't have the skill set to do right now, take that step of faith anyway! He will equip you! I am living proof of that!

Can't wait for the conference tomorrow! Down to download my brain of what I learned today to make room for tomorrow!