God's Timing: A Lesson from a Tree

This is my favorite tree on our property. I was walking past it a couple weeks ago and saw that it had budded out. My immediate reaction was, "Oh no!!! It has budded too soon! We will have another freeze, and it will lose all these buds!" I would be extremely sad if this tree wasn't able to leaf out. As I stood contemplating the fate of my tree for this season, God whispered, "Timing is important! If you bloom too soon, the frost will get your buds." I think I laughed out loud! God knows how much I struggle with His timing, and like the good Father He is, He was taking advantage of this teachable moment.

We are on the verge of one of the largest growths in the agency we have had since we created it 12 years ago. How many times over the 12 years have I wondered if anything would really come of the agency? How many times did I wish it was "bigger" because I felt like what I was doing was insignificant or worthless? All of those moments came flashing back as times I thought I was ready to bust out my blooms, but God knew if I were to do that, a freeze was waiting to take it all away!

I smiled, thankful for the gentle reminder of the lesson of waiting on God's timing that I had learned from those experiences. I started to walk off. Silly me! I have walked with God long enough to know, if He started this conversation, there was problem more than just a fun reminiscing of lessons learned. There was a Truth for today.

Just a few days earlier, a friend had shared a prophecy warning of holding an umbrella over dry, cracked ground that was thirsty for the rain God was sending. The message was to allow the rain that God was sending to saturate the dry ground. I had been tossing that around praying through what it meant. As I started to walk off from the tree, God brought some clarity. He reminded me that blooming before I was ready was not the only timing issue I had to trust Him with. As I glanced over to Jim, our horse standing just a few feet behind the tree that had become my object lesson for the day, that small voice whispered again. "Not only do you not need to bloom too soon, but you also don't need to pull back on the reigns when I send the vision into full motion!" Ouch! I would have been just find to look back on those memories of wanting more but learning to trust Him to bring it in His timing. But no, God had to go and remind me that I was afraid of the things He had shown me needed to be happening because I just did not see how it would work.

We are in one of the craziest seasons of our lives! We are still trying to crawl out from under the crazy moving/remodel experience of this summer. We still don't have all the remodel completed (lack a few things in the kitchen and an entire bathroom), we still have boxes to unpack, systems to get into place, and some painting to do. The agency has become busier than it has ever been all while our children's needs are at a place where they need us advocating, and loving, and connecting and providing for them more than we ever have. John's job is also going through some transition that is pulling him in different directions and brings more stress and demands. Then my parents had a serious car accident last week, and I saw my daughter and oldest grandson for the first time in three years, and met my youngest grandson for the first time ever! It seriously could not be a busier, more demanding, emotionally exhausting season of life. So I find myself pulling back on the reigns of the things God is saying to let run, NOW! I find myself throwing up an umbrella afraid of the rain that is falling.

The buds have grown out more now. I can see them from my windows. We haven't had a hard freeze since they started coming out, but I suspect we will. I do not really know what it will do to the tree for this season. But every time I catch a glimpse of a bud, I smile because I hear that small voice saying, "Do you see how big that tree is?! What is happening in this season will be another ring. Another year of growth. Another layer of strong bark turned to an inner ring. Don't stop by just looking at the buds...look at what I have done over years and years. Trust me with your season! It's just one piece of the puzzle I am working in your life to build and mold and shape you into who I have called you to be! Listen. Trust. Obey. Then leave the rest up to me!"

I Am Signficant

Any of you struggle with insignificance? Can I just tell you that is the number one weapon the enemy has used against me in just about every area of my life for my entire life! I had amazing parents, I was (and still am, by the way!) Daddy's little girl! By all accounts, I should not struggle with insignificance!  Can I tell you something else? The enemy is out to steal, kill and destroy us! He doesn't care what our past is, he only cares what will keep us out of the destiny God is calling us into!

Insignificance has plagued me as a teen who never thought she was good enough for the "in" crowd, to a young adult who was sure no man would ever want what she had to offer because she wasn't what men wanted in a wife.  And now as even a women sure and confident of her calling in life with the blessing of a job in that calling, I have been crippled by insignificance! God has given me dreams and visions for what Addy's Hope can be.  But immediately the enemy comes in with the thoughts, "you are the small agency! You can't do that!"  "You don't have the right degree, the right experience, the right __________ to do that! Just go back to your little corner and take your place among the insignificant people!" And so I would go, head down, tail between my legs, back to my corner all the time telling God why it is I am not enough or don't have enough to do what He has clearly said I should do.

Well, a couple of weeks ago something in me clicked.  I am really not sure what it was.  I don't really even know the exact moment it happened, but at some point the woman inside of me that knows who God made her to be stepped up to the microphone and told those other voices to Shut. Up.

In the last couple of weeks, I have taken steps toward the dreams and visions God has given me for the agency.  I have taken them scared in many cases!  But I have taken them! When I have heard God say, "go here" I have started walking.  He hasn't shown me the destination in most of these circumstances, but I have taken some steps, and I trust that He will show me the next step once this step has come to the end.

Can I tell you something else? I. Like.This. Woman!  I think I want her to stick around awhile!  She tells those voices that say she can't to bow to The Voice that says He made me to do it! Not only CAN I do it, but I WILL do it! When fear starts to creep in she says, "You are welcome to come along for the ride, but you Will. Not. stop me!" When I have taken a step and almost immediately been hit by a circumstance that threatens to knock me off that step into the abyss of doubt and confusion, God has been so faithful to whisper, "But what do I say? You operate in My kingdom!" And I find myself still walking...looking back at that corner I used to return to and realizing the walls have moved and that corner is getting further, and further, and further behind me!

I think there are so many women out there listening to the voices that are sending them back to the corner!  I believe God is doing a work in His daughters! He is calling us out of the corners and into the destiny He has called us to!  We live in a world full of hopeless circumstance, and inside of us, His precious daughters, are the answers to these problems and crisis! It's time we start believing the Truth He speaks about us over the lies we so easily believe! We are clothed with strength and dignity (Proverbs 31:25)! We laugh without fear of the future! What do you say? Will you look for that woman in you that God made you to be? I think if you will stop the lies long enough to get to know her, you will really like her.....and she will stick around leading you into a strength, joy and peace you have never known!  If I can steal a line from a movie that dates me and may not show the best moral compass...It's time we get out of our corners, cause no one puts (insert your name) in a corner! Let's dance this final number with our God who wants to show up and show out with his daughters!! Whose with me?!

The Move: Some Random Thoughts

I have so many blog posts that I need to write! It's been a rough three weeks! But God has shown Himself.  So maybe I will have time to really write out my thoughts soon, but for now, here are some rather random thoughts, interesting items from our time here so far:

1. When you start a faith journey, it is very exciting. Walking out the faith journey in the great big middle of the circumstances is hard.
2. When the circumstances of your faith walk start to overwhelm you, you want to turn back (I've given myself the nick name Izzy because I sound much like the Israelites lately wanting to go back to Egypt!), but thankful there is a point of no return where you have to either keep walking toward the goal or check out of life altogether.
3. Moving with 8 children is INSANE!
4. God provides in miraculous ways when you trust him....like the day we had $75 in the checking account, payday was still two weeks away and a bill for $150 was set to pay the next day with no resources to put any more in the checking account.  John goes to the mailbox and there is over $600 total from two checks, one we had been expecting, and one over $400 that we had not been...a refund on over payment of a medical bill.
5. Trusting God is HARD when you are paying a mortgage and a lease!
6. When God calls you as parents to something/somewhere, He calls your kids too which means he prepares them! We have not had ONE SINGLE complaint from any of the kids despite arriving at 1:00 am on the first day of school in a totally new place, adjusting to new schools and new church! My kids and my God ROCK!
7. Trying to unpack boxes with 4 children ages 3 and under is INSANE!
8. The Body of Christ is amazing.....the first week we were here, three families from a church whose pastor I had been e-mailing came and fed us pizza, helped us unpack, worshiped with us, prayed over our home and breathed life into what was becoming a very depressing situation for me!
9. God knows when you are truly crying out in desperation, and He sends help!
10. Four kids ages 3 and under means you are pretty well stuck at home until reinforcements arrive.
11. It takes exactly 8.3 minutes to load 4 napping toddlers/infant in the car including three trips upstairs!
12. The enemy doesn't like it when you are determined to walk into your promised land.
13. I have some more maturing to do....I am still not very good at persevering through tough circumstances.
14. Part time daycare may be available but it is OUTRAGEOUS!
15. If you leave the house right as school lets out, you will cut your wait in the pick up line by at least 15 minutes and as long as you leave with in 5 minutes after school lets out, you will not be the last car in the pick up line. 
16. I can get anywhere eventually as long as I can find a place for a U-turn - and that's not always easy in Big Momma!
17. The "Around Me" app is sometimes as confused as I am (I've ended up in a field and a neighborhood when going to a business according to the app).

There's so much more....but that gives you a small look into our first three weeks here! Hopefully I can sit and really write soon!

Knowing God's Will

I have often said when contemplating a decision that needs to be made or looking for which direction to go in life that I wish I could receive an e-mail from God with the directions spelled out.  I don't say that anymore.  Not because at times I still wish it was that simple and clear cut.  I still with at times I could write Him my questions, like a tech support, and He sends back the answers.  Yes, that would be A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! But I have also come to learn that the reason God doesn't do that is because it requires no relationship!  When I have a question about a program that isn't working or a website I can't find the answer on, I look for the "contact us" button and send a request for information.  I then get an instant message or an e-mail with the information I need - I never have to engage with the person on the other end of the computer!  I don't even know their name most of the time.  If I have learned anything over the past 15 years of trying to walk in relationship and not just legalism with my Lord it is that He values my relationship with Him above all else!

So when I ask Him for direction, He is not going to send an e-mail from His tech support! He is going to draw me into Him.  He is going to ask me to spend a  little more time with Him than I do for daily maintenance.  He is going to ask me to sit a little quieter and listen a little closer to His still small voice.  Romans 12:2 states it this way, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."  That's pretty plain!  God is telling us, if you want to know the answer, spend time with me and in my Word!  I am not making this a mystery!  But I am not going to send an e-mail or write it in the sky with an airplane, either!  He wants us in His word transforming our minds.  That is the only way we can test and approve His will!  But if we do that, we can know His will.  No secrets.

I was reminded of this again recently as we heard God ask us to walk in a new direction in an area of our life.  I can't share details right now, but will soon.  Basically we were like Abraham....God said pack up your stuff and walk.  That was it.  No direction for where the end of the journey was.  Just walk.  Now the logical, mathematical me doesn't really even know how its possible to take off in any direction when you don't know the destination.  But Isaiah 55:8 quickly reminds me that my ways are not His!  Can I get an Amen to that?!  If I said in the midst of being asked to walk with no direction to walk I was not completely frustrated, I would be lying.  If I said I wanted to turn back and go to where we just came from just to be in a familiar place, I would not be truthful.  And if I said it didn't make me question if I had heard God at all in this area, I would be leading you astray.  John and I both prayed relentlessly in this area and both felt God telling us the same thing - W.A.L.K.  But it wasn't until we finally decided in our minds and committed to walking, with out turning back, that God gave clear direction.  It is just like Joshua 3 when the Israelites are crossing the Jordan into the promised land.  God required the priests to step into the water before He stopped the water from flowing.  The last time He stopped water from flowing for the Israelites, Moses only had to stretch out his hand.  This time God required a step of faith, a step of obedience before He made the path clear.  As soon as John and I determined to walk in obedience, not turn back to what was familiar or give up for lack of direction, but trust and obey, God provided the rest of the answer for where we were to walk!  It was just like a door opened as soon as we agreed to obey!  I had to smile when I realized what had happened.

So many times when we are asked by God to wait for an answer for whatever reason, we start to doubt our ability to hear Him or get clear direction from Him.  The enemy loves to put those doubts in our minds.  However, the scripture is very clear.  1 Corinthians 2:16 tells us in plain language - we have the mind of Christ!  We don't need an e-mail from God!  We have His mind already!  We only need to sit still long enough and spend enough time in His word to know without a doubt what His good and perfect will is!

I love that about God.  He truly is not into guessing games!  If I don't have a clear answer or direction, it means I need to sit longer with Him.  It may mean I have some sin in my life I need to deal with in order to hear God's voice or it may mean I have to open to what the answer is...even if its no.  Or it may just mean He wants to spend a little more time with us, preparing us for the answer.  But it never means He doesn't want to give us the answer.  The answer is on its way!

God is good yesterday, today and tomorrow!

Ok, Michelle, here is the post for another time I mentioned in Abundantly More that you asked for! :)

I am not really sure when the beliefs started or if they have always been there. I know my legalistic background and black and white nature definitely fed the beliefs. I can look back on two major faith walks...the first two really big things I heard God say "do this", and I obeyed. Neither one of them had "happily ever after" endings! Not sure if that is when it started or they just solidified beliefs that were already there. I know the day Eden's tiny arms and body that was burning up with fever were ripped from my neck...the day I looked into her eyes and said, "I will be back in three days to get you"...believing it with everything I had in me...that day and the days that followed that have turned into years that I was not able to keep that promise was the beginning of a belief that kept me from believing God is good to me.

It wasn't that I didn't believe God is good. I did. You can't stand on the Bible as true and not believe on some level that He is good. You can't continue to follow Him and not believe on some leve He is good. And that is where it stopped for me. I would read the scriptures that talked about the righteous being rewarded or those who believed in Him not being disappointed, and I would literally write in my margins biting comments like "really?" or "doesn't seem like that to me". Showing you my really mature side here! Let me add that I could believe those versus for you! I could believe them for anyone but me.

I will never forget the overwhelming feeling of being "overlooked" by God on that first trip to Liberia when two precious families were able to bring home their newly adopted children. I know that all the work I had done on Eden's adoption, the hours of research, talking on the phone to the Embassy, etc, etc had prepared me for the work I had done that had united these two families with their children. But throughout that entire trip, there was an ache in my heart! There was a bitterness toward God. Why couldn't I have learned all this AND Eden come home in the end? Why did I not get to bring my brown baby girl home while these families got to benefit from my pain? To make matters worse, I had left my 11 month old baby at home (which was soooooo hard!) to make the trip to make sure all was well for these families! In those few days I truly came to believe that it was my lot in life to suffer so others could be blessed. There was another walk of obedience I was on that is too personal to share here, but it also reinforced this lie the enemy was using to demolish my trust and faith in God. It was a slow decay, but I know these events were setting the stage for the enemy to try to steal, kill and destroy my faith and trust in God.

I knew for the past 7 years this was happening on some level, but it was like I didn't know how to stop the decay! I continued to walk with God and follow His voice...and there were many more "disappointments" with few victories in those walks. Hebrews 11 became my life anthem as I asked God over and over WHY?! Why did these men and women "not receive what was promised?" (Hebrews 11:39) Why did some receive back their dead while others were stoned, sawn in two, put to death, destitute, etc, etc? I just resolved myself to be in that last category and decided I probably needed to just learn how to live in that place. But then I would read things like Mark 11 where if I believe I can cast a mountain into a sea, and if I ask believing I have received it and it will be given to me. Why was that not true of my prayers? Where was that truth in my life?

I am really not sure when it all turned around. I know I still struggle...which is the real reason for this post today! I know when we found our current church, a whole new level of belief opened because I understood more about the Holy Spirit and who He is in our lives. I understood more about power and how previously I wasn't operating with all the power available to me. I don't fully understand how all that plays into my past 7 years...or my past 27 as a Christian for that matter. But this I know, God wants us to always be learning more about Him and believing Him for Who He is and what He says!

Last year was one of the toughest of my life. I blogged about some but not all the struggles. I have questioned my obedience to God more in the last year than in my entire life! Not out of a "are you real God?" questioning, but out of a "I know you had to overestimate what I can handle" type of questioning. I have said before that when I think I have found the end of myself, God takes me one level lower....that has been true on just about a daily basis the last year.

As I began to pray toward the end of 2011 about the coming new year, God gave me Deuteronomy 6 as a scripture for 2012. It talks about remembering God as you walk into the promised land. God had given me scriptures on the promised land before, so I immediately began questioning what He meant! I didn't feel like the other promised land scriptures came to pass, so I was a little reluctant to go there. I knew I couldn't handle anymore "disappointment". I even talked myself out of what God was telling me the scriptures meant. I have two journal entries that totally contradict each other. When I wrestled with that, God showed me that it was just the enemy trying to once again steal kill and destroy my faith and belief that God is good.

God, through the scriptures, told me that 2012 would be the year I would see victory in many areas that I had prayed for breakthrough! There are about four areas that I believe we will see victory in before 2012 ends. One of them is our finances! This is already a lengthy post, so I will save some of those thoughts! But the bottom line is I didn't believe God was good in our finances. I would see other families who only had 2 or 3 children and what they could do with their resources, and I would get angry about the life God had called me to. Shallow? YES! Immature? YES! But that was still where I was many days. It rarely started so shallow...it was usually after a particularly rough day with one or more of the kids or just a day of being overwhelmed with the demands of mothering 7 children and running a ministry that these thoughts would creep in! But God kept bringing me back to the promises for this year.

I have shared some of the gifts from God this year...like the penthouse..then John went on a business trip this past week and had to "suffer" through driving his dream car as his rent car: a Dodge Challenger. Just sweet little gifts like that. But this past week, I was becoming increasingly discouraged with our finances. We really need a 12 passenger van. NEED! Not want, NEED! If we are going to take a vacation this summer, we have to have a bigger car. Nine people in a nine passenger suburban was just not going to be possible for a road trip! We have been looking for one, but hadn't really found the one we thought we should buy, or it was gone by the time we got to it. Then this week, there were medical bills that came in...two kids are about to have medical procedures in the next two weeks, plus the bills for Callie's last hip surgery are coming in. The money I had cushioned for a van payment was dwindling, bit by bit. I still felt like we could handle it and then John told me the tuition for Callie's school that we will be sending her to next hear. The number I had in my head to prepare for was about half what the tuition really is! All the air left my balloon. I was deflated. I was doubting God again. I was wondering where the promised land was there. We have prayed and prayed over Callie's school and knew without a doubt that is where she is to go. We have prayed about a van....have put it off for over a year from when we really wanted to buy one...and felt we had the "go" light from God. Now it seemed impossible for both to be true!

And I began throwing my ever so immature fit with God! Where are You? You have given me promise after promise in Your Word (for this season , God has me literally praying about 10 scriptures every morning as my Bible study....so every morning I am believing for these things as I pray His Words back to Him out loud) yet the reality still remains! At some point faith has to become sight.

This was kind of how that conversation went that morning:

God: "Buy the van."

Me: "We can't buy a van! We have tuition each month which takes all the money I had found in the budget for a van payment! There is no way we can do both."

God: "Buy the van."

Me:"Maybe you didn't hear me, we can't do both!"

God:"You are not paying tuition right now. Buy the van."

Me:"No, but we will be paying tuition in about three months and there is no significant income change in the near future"

God:"Buy the van. Three months is tomorrow...it has enough trouble of its own."

Me:"But I don't see anyway it will work!"

God:"Hebrews 11:1 'Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you DO NOT SEE!' if you could see a way for it to work, it would not be faith. Buy the van."

I shared this with one friend that day. I had't even had time to share it with John. That conversation happened Thursday morning. Yesterday John sat down to do our taxes. Yes, we are one of "them"! We usually are turning them in April 15 at midnight, so

we are actually early this year! I was having a meeting and John came in and said he needed me to look at something asap. He has checked a box on our tax software and we were now showing a significant tax refund...like winning the lottery (at least in my mind!) type of tax refund. We both agreed something had to be wrong, so John started making phone calls and looking into it. But sure enough, it was right! We were unaware that the adoption tax benefit that was in effect for special needs adoptions in 2010 had been extended to 2011. Since the adoptions of our girls were finalized in 2011, we qualified for them! I just cried! I asked for forgiveness for doubting! I praised my Father who wants and gives abundantly more than I could hope or imagine! It was so much more than a number on a screen! It was a promised fulfilled! It was a stone of remembrance to trust and have faith in my Heavenly Father who wants me to believe and trust Him enough to walk into my Promised land no matter what "giants" may seem to stand in my way!

The amount was enough that we can pay off our final credit card (something we had been trying to do for two and a half years!) AND pay cash for a van!!!!! AND probably go to Disney next year with money we can save between now and then since we will not have to make a van or credit card payment!!!!!

This takes me back to my post title: God is good yesterday, today and tomorrow! God is good, my friends! But He is not just good today because He has provided for me financially! He was good "yesterday" when I doubted Him. He was good "yesterday" when Eden didn't come home. I never want to put God is "good" as a response to something good happening to me because that leaves the assumption he is "bad" when something bad happens or I am disappointed. The truth God is teaching me is that He is good all the time! And my willingness to trust and believe that regardless of my circumstances is when the blessings come!

Am I excited about the money, absolutely! But I am way more excited about a God who loves me enough to meet my needs and to "prove" Himself to me when I seek Him.... even though He proved Himself enough that I should NEVER doubt by going to the Cross for me! I am celebrating that I have a God who loves me and cares for my needs and meets me right where I am! He will do the same for you!

There is so much more to tell about this journey I am on...but if you have made it this far in this post, you have read a novel! And my kids are asking for breakfast...so my post for another time will have to be completed another time...... :)

Abundantly More

What is this you ask? Well, it is the a Penthouse suite at the Hyatt Regency Century Plaza in Beverly Hills. Why is it on my blog you ask? Because it is my home for the next few days and nights! How did that happen you ask? Well, according to Ephesians 3:20 God is able and will do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine. John travels enough that he earns points so every now and then I can fly with him. He has a conference for one of the units he oversees in LA this week, so I came with him. I had set this time aside to start writing a book that God has asked me to write. I've started two other books God asked me to write, but I wasn't obedient to finish them, and now the words don't come easily. So I am determined to obey this time and see this one to completion! So I set this time of uninterrupted, quiet time aside for that. I was so looking forward to a hotel room with a desk or just a chair for me to sit and be alone with God to write. But when we checked in late last night, they had sold out and did not have our room available even though we had a reservation, so they asked if the Penthouse suite would be ok? After much thought....NOT!....we said sure!

And this was our view last night overlooking Avenue of the Stars in Beverly Hills!

I had my coffee with God on that lanai this morning, and He and I had some great laughs and conversations about this whole Penthouse thing! But as I texted my mentor to share with her where I was having my quiet time, Ephesians 3:20 is what she sent back to me and I just felt the love of God wash over me! He has told me time and again that 2012 will be the year I understand His goodness and His love for me. The root behind that is a post for another time. But this morning as I sit in my Penthouse, I am reminded that God has more than I could ever hope or dream for me in EVERY are of my life! I never even dreamed to desire a penthouse for my days of writing, but God did..and not only did her dream it, He gifted it to me! So instead of a chair or desk to write at, I can go to the couch, the executive desk, the chair in the bedroom, or either of the two lanais! And this morning I am excited...not about a penthouse, but about the "penthouses" he has for the areas of my thirsty soul! He has ABUNDANTLY more than I could ever even dream of asking Him for waiting for me....and I don't want to miss it! All I have to do is press into Him and stay in His presence following His voice!

So thankful for that reminder today!

Unfulfilled Dreams

John and I are doing an amazing marriage class called Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy Evans. One of the discussion questions was "What unfulfilled dreams do you have for yourself? Do you believe these dreams represent God's desire for you?" Normally, I would think this would take a while for me to think about, but this morning I wrote down three immediately. If you knew the internal battle over the past two to three weeks, you would know how divinely inspired my answer is! So this is what I wrote down:

1. My masters in counseling
2. licensed domestic adoption agency
3. speaker/author
4. maternity home

Now here's the catch. With my thought patterns and actions over the past two to three weeks, I will NEVER attain any of these! Why? Well because all of these will take divine power, strength and wisdom to obtain while being wife to John and mother to 7 children. It will take believing that God knows more than I do! It will take understanding that He has a plan that doesn't look like mine. I've never had "career" goals! My career plan was get married and have babies. PERIOD! Goal accomplished, right?! Well, somewhere along the way, God started twitching that plan. And I still struggle with it. When all children are grown, I would have no problem pursuing these dreams. However, God repeatedly tells me, that some of them are for now. I just don't see how that is possible! But He knows. I have to trust Him. I have to obey Him. For He honors obedience over sacrifice. So the answer to the second part of that question is most definitly YES! They are divinly inspired as I still can't wrap my head around them truly being possible, and I am a safe "dreamer", only God would put anything in my head that is above what "I" can do! That way HE gets the glory!

The last two weeks have been full of thoughts that nothing God promises comes to pass. It's been a time of doubt, crisis of faith, wondering what the future holds. Lots of fear. Since God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and self-discipline, I have no doubt where, or who these thoughts were coming from! But even knowing that, I couldn't shake it. For whatever reason, this morning, I have more clarity of thought!

Over the past two weeks as I have struggled with faith, belief, trust, obedience (the list goes on and on), there has been a consistent voice saying, "It is all to get you off track. The enemy is deceiving. As long as you believe, you will be defeated. You cannot accomplish all I have for you with these thoughts." This morning, as I actually wrote down the unfulfilled dreams that I have, all that there is to lose became amazingly clear. The stakes are too high! I must overcome the doubts and lies! My family and those God will put in my path depend on it. Not to mention, wrestling with lies and doubt are a pretty miserable existence!

Excited to go to church this morning and worship and praise!!!! Have so much to praise Him for this morning! Stay tuned...I think this wild ride called life is about to be turned up a notch!!!!

Double Whamy!

When God moves, He moves! I have been talking about a journey John and I have been on. After telling our families, I can share it with all of you! God placed a 15 year old girl who is relinquished and ready for adoption, but remains in the foster system because there was no family on our hearts! Callie found her! Callie fell in love with her. Callie is 10. She doesn't make the decisions for our family, but part of this journey has been God showing me that when He says come to him as a little child, He means it. Callie didn't analyze bringing a 15 year old into our home like John and I did. She just knew a girl needed a familyand she wanted a big sister and therefore it made sense that we provide this child a family. God has showed me that the unquestioning love that Callie looked at this situation with with are the same eyes He wants me to look at this with....and trust! Trust Him!



Long story short (althought this process has FLOWN compared to most matched adoptions), John and I will go to where Princess M lives on Nov 19 to meet her. We will spend the night and Satuday with her. Then we will go get her on Tuesday and bring her back home with us to spend Thanksgiving week! If she thinks she can handle our crazy family, then she will come to live with us as a part of our family sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas.



Although, as you know from my previous posts, I have had some struggles in this journey, I can say without a doubt that I know 100% that this is God's plan! And more than that, I am sooooo excited! God has spoken to me directly and given tangible, real life wisdom through this process like none before.



To say that I have no fears or concerns about parenting a 15 year old whom I will meet for the first time in three weeks would be a lie. But with each fear comes a new opportunity to trust God! And the fact of the matter is, Princess M is worth it! She is worth whatever trials we have in order to make her a part of our family! God has redeemed her situation and we are just the ones who are blessed to be the agents by which He is doing it!



But that is NOT all! I said when God move, He moves!



I went to the doctor this week because many of my symptoms from before that had me run many tests were back with a vengance. The fatigue and foggy thinking were worse and were interfering with life. Well, turns out here is a really good reason for them this time!

Yep! I'm pregnant! Just to save you the questions: NO!!!!! We were NOT trying! Yes, I was on birth control! This just confirms my belief that GOD and ONLY GOD ordains life! He says when it will be breathed into being! No pill or or any other "thing" will stop God when He wants a life to begin. I know that is a huge controversy, and I don't mean to stir it up here, but I LOVE that this life was planned and ordained by GOD and we can honestly way we had nothing to do with it...well, almost nothing! ;-)

Exciting times at the P-trees! Trusting God to take care of all He has called us to do! He is definitly stretching us, BUT he has already provided in miraculous ways just this weekend! So blessed to serve such a faithful and loving God!

A Crisis of Faith: Part Two

I wish I had blogged all about this crisis of faith I have had BEFORE we got our license so you could all see my heart in this! Just know that all I share, occurred and transformed me BEFORE the happy ending! There has just not been any time to really sit and process all this in a way that was fit for public viewing....but I am taking some time today because I believe that sharing our journey is one of the most important ways people in the Body of Christ can encourage each other!

There is a phrase that is used in the Body a LOT that many times hits a sour note with me. That phrase is, "God is good!" Now before you crucify me, let me explain. That phrase is most often used after someone receives good news, an answer to prayer. Rarely is it posted when someone receives a diagnosis of cancer or when an adoption falls through. That is why it hits a sour note with me. You see, that statement is true whether the news is bad or good! God is good all the time!

Over the past few years, I have come to find a common thread in American religion/Christianity. Whether you talk to far right conservatives, middle of the road evangelicals or far left charismatics, they all to some degree have the same message. When God works in our lives, at some point, there will be a nice little package with a bow that we can place his work in. Maybe it isn't that way at first, but eventually, there will be a wrapping up of God's work that will make sense and be for our good- in a worldly sense of money, fame,power, or happiness. I am finding more and more that I have not in any way been prepared for the battles I face in this Christian walk! There is no blame in that! I believe everyone who has ever spoken into my life gave me the best they had and prepared me a little more than I was before I knew them! However I haven't met many American Christians who have a clear picture of how God works in our lives based on a Biblical principal. I feel so blessed to be a part of the Body that I am right now because I believe they "get this" in a way that I have not ever seen.

In fact, our pastor is currently doing a series called Jesus VS Jesus. So far he has taught on Jesus VS Mister Rogers, Jesus VS Stoic Jesus and Jesus VS Genie Jesus. Next week is Jesus VS Republican Jesus. You can get the pod casts at MidCities.org and I would love for you to come with me next Sunday to hear Jesus VS Republican Jesus!

This idea of Genie Jesus that Daniel preached on yesterday fit right in with what God has been showing me. Three aspects of Genie Jesus are: 1) 911 Jesus - who we call on in an emergency 2) Fire Insurance Jesus - better to be safe than sorry 3) and Prosperity Jesus. All three of these are traits that God/Jesus has, but they are not ALL he offers or desires for/from us!

That struggle with the decision I had to make about which path to take in Part One was founded in a lot of these Genie Jesus ideas. I have a microwave faith. Even though I know that the Bible doesn't speak of a faith that is fulfilled in minutes, days, hours, years or sometimes even lifetimes (Heb 11)! Yet, I still get so discouraged when God doesn't answer prayer quickly. I have struggled with one prayer request that I know is God's desire because it lines up with His word exactly, yet it has not been fulfilled over the past 11 and a half years I have prayed for it! So where is God? It left me wondering if God was real. It left me doubting all of God's word. If I can't count on the scriptures that say God will answer my prayers, then how do I stand on any of His promises?

Those were the questions that I began wrestling through with God. He has been so faithful to answer me! I am so thankful!

I began looking at the people I know who exhibit the qualities in their walk that I desire....for this season, I am looking at how to build steadfastness in my walk! How do I keep from doubting when it all seems to fall apart? How do I keep my mind/faith from going down south with circumstances? One thing I have learned over the past few months is that no matter how mature I may think I am, there is still a TON of room for growth! God is not done with me yet! And so He began answering my questions.

One thing I notice in people I admire like Beth Moore, Judy Rouse, Sarah Palin and many more is that they have confidence! They are not swayed (at least not that I see) by the thoughts and attitudes of others. They have courage! So I began a word study of courage. Now I know that many who know me would wonder why I would need to study courage! I have been told more than once that I am a strong person and that I even have too much courage because my heart is hard to see. Comments like that would hit my core and make me shrink back and believe that courage is a bad thing. That I should never be strong when it will hurt or offend others. Isn't that what tolerance is? Isn't that what loving and not judging means? Well, maybe in culture, but no in God's economy!

Courage is from the Hebrew word chazaq and means "to show oneself strong"! I love that! But there was more!

Numbers 13:20 and 2 Samuel 10:12 use the word courage. When I read these two scriptures, God clearly spoke! When dealing with spiritual warfare, I must have courage! I must show myself strong! What I wrote in my journal that day was, "When dealing with spiritual warfare, I have to have courage- the enemy, the warring factions, that set themselves up against me have to see that I am strong or they will find my weak spot and eat me alive!" 2 Samuel 10:12 says, "Be strong and let us show ourselves courageous for the sake of our people and for the cities of our God; and may the Lord do what is good in His sight." We have to be strong as leaders to keep the flock (whoever that is for you!) from being afraid - and to do what we can - then the rest is in the hands of the Lord and we need not worry or look back to what we should have done! This was freedom for me! I had been ridiculed by those in the Christian community so many times for my courage when facing what I sensed as clear danger from the enemy. But this scripture reaffirmed that I am to walk in courage! I am to face these battles head on, do what I am called to do and then let God handle the outcome! As long as I do that, I have done my job regardless of what those who look at me would say about it!

But there was still more! I looked up courage in Websters and it said this: "the quality of mind that enables one to face danger with confidence, resolution and firm control of oneself." Wow! I immediately began to pray for more courage! But I wanted to see if there were even more to the definition of courage, so I used my handy dandy iPhone and looked it up on the dictionary app I have on there. And there was more!!! Here is what dictionary.com said, "to act in accordance with one's belief especially in spite of criticism" [emphasis mine]! I needed that! I could hear the Holy Spirit yelling within me, "This is for you!!! Memorize it! Take it to heart! In this world you will have criticism! Don't listen to it! Do what I say with courage and confidence and don't look back!"

In the work I do, and because of my very black and white personality, criticism is nearly a constant in my life. If I don't get it directly from the critics, then someone is usually willing to share what the critics said about me! In adoption work, as with many types of ministry, there will always be someone unhappy with how you handle a situation. Despite my desire to provide communication and honesty with families, I have been called a liar on many occasions. Those words hurt. They cut me to the core! And then they make me shrink back from what God is telling me to do because my human side says I can't be doing things right if that many people think I am a liar, a cheat and an "unchristian" person. So these truths were so liberating!

And that is just in my work as an adoption professional!

These truths can also be applied to my personal life! As I stated in Part One, walking the narrow path will mean that there will be criticism even from Christians. It goes back to the pretty little package idea! My life has rarely if ever seen God's desires for me wrapped in that pretty little package! It has been messy! My first experience as a mother was a miscarriage! I was told to pray with faith! I did! For three weeks I prayed like never before, but I lost her anyway! The comments of some well-meaning people in my life left me feeling like I lost her because I didn't have enough faith! Nothing could have been farther from the truth! In fact, that was one of the biggest faith builders that God could have ever done in my life as a mother! He taught me with Hope (what John and I named her) that my children whether they were born of my body or placed in my home by adoption are not mine! They are His! He will take them when He wants and use them how He wants. It has made me such a more relaxed mother and allowed me to love my adopted children fully! I don't know if I would have survived losing Eden and Addy with my faith in tact if I hadn't walked through losing Hope. As promised, God used my hurt for my good and His glory!

Once again, no pretty package with Addy and Eden! We lost nearly $40K in that adoption and have nothing to show for it by worldly standards but a broken heart. But in God's economy, that was His money anyway and the investment is still bringing in a return! I have had many people ask me if we missed God's will in that adoption. I have asked the same thing...because it didn't end up with that pretty bow on a nice package that God's will has to show up in for American religion to recognize it! Why didn't Addy die four months before? Then I would never have hurt for her loss. But Addy's death birthed Addy's Hope! The birth of Addy's Hope has brought home 35 children who are now in Christian homes, provided an orphanage and school for children in need in Liberia, provided numerous scholarships for many children, two water wells for villages in Liberia without clean water, two medical clinics for communities without it, and there is more! I would say that is a pretty good investment for $40K! Most of those things were not works of John and I, but of the Body of Christ working together using Addy's Hope as their path. So why did Addy not die four months before? Because God needed us to love a little girl that would bring the need of a people group we thought we understood to our front door! Because God has a purpose that didn't come with a bow, but heart ache and pain that even now leaves me typing through tears. But would I do it again? In a heart beat! For it is what God used to set me on the path to my destiny! Could I see that on July 12, 2004 when we got the phone call about Addy? No! But 5 and a half years, 35 children, two medical clinics, numerous scholarships, etc, etc, later, I can see it! And I am blown away!

But even knowing that, it was hard to apply the same principles to my current battles and struggles! I reverted back to the familiar....God couldn't be in something that is soooo hard! God couldn't be calling me to a path that would bring more suffering, demand more time, possibly put my children at risk, etc, etc.

But as I read the Bible and reflected on courage and listened to teachers that I admire, clarity came! Read the Bible! I challenge anyone to show me Bible stories with happy endings tied up with pretty bows! Abraham had a promise from God that he would have descendants that outnumbered the stars.....God just left out the part that it would be tens of years before He fulfilled it! In their hast to fulfill God's promise for Him, Abraham and Sara took matters into their own hands in a move that has implications even today, thousands of hears later! And then, when God did provide that heir, He told Abraham to sacrifice him...to kill him. I don't see any pretty bow on that! What advice would you give Abraham if he told you that God told him to place his son on an alter? Would you tell him God couldn't be telling him that! Well, did He? Do you believe the Bible or not? Tough stuff!

Courage....I want more! Faith....I want more! Maturity.....I want more!

So I keep walking this path! Asking God to grant me more! And He is answering...

to be continued.....

[if you made it through this whole post, then you have endurance! Processing all this is more wordy than I thought it would be!!!]

Undone and Redone

This post has been rolling around in my head for a few weeks, maybe even months. Frankly, I haven't had the time to sit down and process it enough to write it. But since I am at home with a sick little boy and missing church, I figured this was a good time to sit and process and write!

I have been undone by God many times since I came to know Him as my Savior 25 years ago. Wow, that just made me feel old! There are times when He was stretching me so far I just knew I would pop! But right before that moment where I could take no more, something would give.
I have been in one of those times for almost three years! Every time I think the "give" is coming, something else pops up and stretches me even further. Frankly, I am tired. I am weary, but giving up isn't an option...so I have spent a lot of time pondering and contemplating!

But this being undone is different! It is stretching, it is growing, it is learning more about who God is and who I am in Him, but it is also creating a brand new me! More than just my mind is being transformed by the renewing of His Word.

I can just feel God totally undoing me and then redoing me again. It is like he is taking me apart piece, by piece and putting me back together the way He needs me to be in order to operate the way He needs me to in His kingdom. The down side of this painful process is that I know no matter how much He does to me right now, I will still need to grow and stretch as I will never reach full maturity this side of heaven. But the really big up side of this is that I am learning to be who He called me to be and learning to do what He has called me to do with joy!
I am not there yet! But it is like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is not an on-coming train this time!

I have struggled as you know if you have read my blog for long with what God has called me to do over the last 8 years and the outcomes that have come from my obedience. I have subscribed to what I call the "American" Christianity where I think if I obey, then somehow God owes me a good outcome, or at least one that rewards me just a bit for my obedience. The problem with that thinking is that it is totally unscriptural. I could go on and on about that, but I will leave it at show me more than a handful of Bible stories that have a happy ending this side of heaven? The words used in Hebrews 11 when referring to the hall of fame for faith walkers are: mockings, scourging, chains, imprisonment, stoned, sawn in two, tempted, put to death with the sword, destitute, afflicted, ill-treated, did not receive what was promised. Does that sound like happy endings? Does that sound like something you would sign up for? Not me! But the last verse in Hebrews 11 says, "because God has provided something better for us, so that apart from us they would not be made perfect." Ah, there is the key!

I have talked before about head knowledge versus heart knowledge. Well, this truth in Hebrews 11:40 is starting to become heart knowledge! I have walked this out in my own life now. I have not been stoned or sawn in two, but frankly after some of the hell Christians have put me through over the past 8 years, and specifically the last year, being stoned to death sounds like a vacation! But through these experiences, I have learned "God has provided something better for us"!

There are several MAJOR walks I have taken with Jesus that were in direct obedience to Him and only caused me and those I love pain and suffering. Some are too private to discuss on this public forum, but some I have talked openly about. Two of those are adopting Eden and Addy and obeying God to open and operate Addy's Hope.

The pain caused by these walks have lead me at times to want to turn my back on God. You have been a part of a few of those times through my honest and transparent posts. I couldn't understand how a loving, righteous and caring God could allow some of the circumstances that I found myself in after walking in obedience. But just like the Hebrews 11 passage eludes, circumstances do not dictate our reality!

So over the past few weeks, I have heard what I believe is the answer God has been forming in me through all these tough times. I have been looking for a miracle in all these areas! Faith has never been hard for me...Addy died: that hurt, but I knew God would use it some way for good; Eden's adoption failed: after I came back from walking away from God, I knew there were vital lessons learned about God in that journey and the work he was doing in me was way more important than the outcome of the adoption (still working through that one totally even 4 years later); adoptive parents ridiculing because I take a stand for ethics and legal activity: God taught me that I am to please Him not man; and the list goes on. Faith to take the journey was never a problem, but accepting the outcome, whatever it is, has been! In each of these, I just wanted God to "poof" something and make my little world happy again. But I am learning that while God can work that way, He usually works a work in His people instead.

What have I heard God say in the past few weeks? It is this: You are looking for a miracle that makes your work/life easier or lighter. But what I want for you is to provide the miracle of equipping you to do the work I have called you to and fulfill the purposes that I placed you here for this time and in this place. And to do it no mighter how heavy the load with JOY!

Let that soak in! I've been trying to let that soak in for about three weeks now! I had told John that I thought God was telling me that, and then the very first video session of the Beth Moore study, "Esther", that I am doing had her quoting the exact same thing! Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidence in God's kingdom! He was using Ms. Moore to re-enforce what He is trying desperately to get through my thick skull!

You might not think believing God will equip me is such a big deal! But if you could get inside my head and see the thoughts that cross my monitor in there and are played on the radio of my inner mind (I know that thought just caused many of you to shudder!), you would know the magnitude and the truly miraculous work it will take for God to do just that! For me to walk forward in JOY in what He has called me to will take God convincing me I can do it and it will be fun while I do! You see the thoughts and sounds I hear in my head say, "it is too much!", "others aren't called to do this much, so you need to give something up", "you will never accomplish all that is on your plate", "you are being a horrible mother because of the time the agency takes from you", "you are all those things people who don't know you say you are and those nice things people who know you say are just because they only know part of you. If they knew all of you, they wouldn't say those things!" And the list goes on and on.

The miracle God is doing in me is to silence those voices! It is to get up and act on my reality instead of sitting and pondering my circumstances! Circumstances say it is too hard and I will never get it done....and so do some people in my life. But reality is I am a daughter of a King! I am a Princess with all the kingdoms assets and talents at my disposal! I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me! (Phil 4:13) He provides in abundance all we need to do His work! (2 Cor 9:8)

Now isn't that exciting? You know what makes me most excited about that? It's not just true for me! It is true for each and every one of you who have committed your life to Christ and made Him Lord! What if we all quit listening to the voices in our heads that are not aligned with scripture? What an impact we would have on this world for Christ!

So next time that thought passes by the monitor of your mind, do a search! Does it align with scripture? If it does, hit the save button before you lose it! If it doesn't delete it and empty it from your recycle bin so that it doesn't take root and cause you to believe a lie!
Thanks for walking this journey with me! I think it is about to get really exciting! Stay tuned...and share the ways God has undone and redone you! It will be an encouragement to us all to hear your testimonies!

DId you hear the shouts??!!!

It is sent! The application and policies and procedures have been sent! I am pretty sure no matter where you live you could have heard the shouts when I clicked the "send" button! I found the paper where I attended my original informational meeting with Texas licensing for child placing agencies. It was October 2004! So four years later, a dream is coming true!

When we started Addy's Hope, Texas would not license internationally only agencies. We started talking to licensing again in 2007, but again they were not sure what to do with international only. Now, we are finally there! In 90 days either our doors will shut or a dream will come true! And considering the battles that have hit us over the past two weeks, I believe God is doing something big and a dream and fulfillment of God's plan for me will be fulfilled! I cannot even tell you the feelings running through me right now!

Along with that letter from my October 2004 meetings, I found the plane reservations for the trip to Austin where the meeting was. It reminded me of what God has done! Let me just share with you the testimony of what God can do!

You see, I went from teacher to stay at home mom, and now I had to attend a professional meeting! I was scared to death! I had absolutely no confidence in myself to even go to the meeting and represent Addy's Hope well. Now comes the funny part! I made the plane reservation on line for my trip. I was so proud of myself! I had signed up for the meeting, and I was on my way! I got in bed relishing in all that I had accomplished. As I was talking to John I said something like, "I arrive in Houston at 9:00..." As soon as it was out of my mouth I realized what I had done! That ticket I was so proud of myself for booking was to Houston, and the meeting was in Austin! So any self confidence I might have had down in my little toe, ran plum out right then! I was able to get the ticket switched and was on my way to Austin.

I still struggle with believing I can do this...so writing 80 pages of policies and procedures totally on my own truly is a miracle!! I am so excited! Not just because I have finished the policies and procedures, but if God can take me where he has over the past 5 years, what will the next five bring?

As I have battled over the past two years with my calling in adoption and specifically the fierce battle in Liberia, I have so many times asked why God hasn't done something. Why did He not move the hearts of men to open adoptions yet? Why did He not silence all the people who have struck me with their words? Why would he not wait to call me to this until after all my children are grown or at least all in school? Over the past 6 weeks, I have heard God tell me over and over again, "The miracle I want to perform is to equip you to do all that I have called you to." That may not sound like much of a miracle, but if you knew how ill equipped I feel to do any of what God has called me to, you would understand! All I have begged for is for God to let me out...to let me take an easier road. When I was on my face at the end of myself, I know He said, "Now, let me carry you! Let me show you just what I can do through you since I have you out of the way!" Ever since that day, He has amazed me! Things that I told John over and over that he would have to do because I couldn't (like write policies) I have now accomplished; and I know it is only because God has equipped me in His own miraculous way! And even better than that is all that I have done since allowing Him to work in me and no longer asking to be let out or begging for a miracle to make it easier, I have done with JOY! I LOVED writing the policies! The time crunches were a little difficult at times, but the actual act of writing them was enjoyable to me!

So I believe I have witnessed a miracle in completing the policies and procedures. To God be the glory!!! Can't wait to see what He does next!

I'm a slow learner....

Ever have one of those times that you have a general feeling that God is calling you to do something. It's something that you wouldn't mind doing, but the timing stinks! In fact, the timing is so bad that you really have to doubt if it is God. I mean really, now? He couldn't be telling me now! That would put me in WAY over my head, God!

I am having one of those times! Every day this "thing" pops up in one way or another! Last night it was in a book that I was reading about Mother Teresa. Today, it was in a conversation with one of the other vendors in the craft show I was in.

But the timing can't be worse. If John and I talked to any of our friends about this, I am sure they would agree. But yet, every time we run, or think there is no way this is the path for us, "it" comes back! If I think about Bible stories, I have no way to weasel out of this "thing" with any of the issues in our lives right now. I have a feeling this is going to come down to an Abraham/Isaac experience: Am I going to lay my life in the alter like Abraham did Isaac and obey God trusting Him in faith to work it all out, or am I going to run the other direction and believe what the world, and even a lot of Christians would say: God wouldn't ask you to do that right now with all you have going on.

Time will tell! God knows my heart's desire is to obey Him and glorify Him in my life. So John and I will keep praying and seeking wisdom for this area! Stay tuned...... :)

There is a need....

I promised to tell the story of how God encouraged me in my calling to adoption on a particularly rough day.

For some odd reason, the owner of our office building has decided it needs to be tangerine orange...makes us easier to find, but not so sure what it does for the professional image...anyway, there is a guy there painting the building.

He came in Tuesday afternoon and asked me to move my van as he was about to paint right there and didn't want to get orange paint on my sliver van (thank you Mr. painter man!). So I gladly moved it.

When I was heading back into the office, he asked me what kind of business I was running. Since we are only international right now, not many people come to the office. Mainly, I needed the office out of the house as we needed the boundaries that provided. It has been a HUGE blessing...but because we don't really have families coming by the office that much, it hasn't totally been put together yet. We don't have a sign up or anything like that yet. Those things cost money, and, well, you know the rest of that story! I proceeded to tell this man that we run an adoption agency. He then says, "Well too bad you weren't here a few months ago, I would have had three kids for ya." That got my attention....I took the bait. Five months ago this man placed his triplets that he had with "his fling" *his words, NOT mine!* for adoption with a family in a near by town. He proceeded to tell me how their mom didn't want them and he already has 7 kids that he is taking care of. I talked to him just a bit about my boys and how adoption is such a wonderful thing, and then went inside my office, not really thinking that much about it. Well, not true...ashamedly, I admit, I was really just thinking I need to get a, b, and c finished today. Not really getting what I think God was trying to show me. So, as God often does with me, he hit me one more time! Mr. Painter Man came back into the office and said, "So you guys are open for business." I proceeded to give way more of an explanation than I am sure he cared to have about our licensing situation. Then he said, "Well, I have this friend in my class at college who is 3 months pregnant and doesn't want the baby. I was talking to her about my kids that I put up for adoption, and she is considering it." Ok, God, I am getting it now!

So I give him my card and tell him to have his friend call me. I told him that we would be licensed in the next few weeks and could help his friend out if she decided that she wanted to place...or if I wasn't able to help her, I knew plenty of people who could.

When he walked out the door, I was flooded with God's presence over me. I just sensed Him saying, "See, HollyAnn, the work you do is needed. People are hurting and need my hand to touch them. Children are coming into the world that need homes other than the ones they will be born into. There are other things in this work that I have for you besides just the frustrations of Liberia." Oh how sweet that was to me! It reminded me just how personal my amazing Heavenly Father is! He took the time to place a man right in my path who knew someone who needed what I could give. God used it to remind me that in this area, there is no one to truly minister to birth or really adoptive families on a personal level the way I believe it should be.

Just two hours before, John had stopped by and I was on a bad phone call. When I got off, I cried and questioned, and said the words I try not to say these days, "I just don't know what I am supposed to do anymore and I want to quit." I know quitting is not an option...well, at least not if I want to run this race in the way I need to in order to win the prize and to see God's glory in "the land of the living"! Then God graciously placed this man in my path to remind me of the needs and the harvest that is ripe for God's people to take His love to a very wounded and bleeding group of people! So I put on my armor again (had put it on that morning, but it felt like it had fallen off in battle!) and sat down at my computer with a renewed resolve to serve the awesome God who has called me to this work called adoption!

God's sense of humor

Ok, I really don't have time to post, but since I work alone, sometimes I just need to post so someone hears me! :) And the irony of my day today just had to be shared!

So I am leaving for Liberia soon...haven't posted about it as I have many enemies that try to block my work in Liberia, so I need to keep them guessing right now!

But I really needed to work today. Lost on my "to-do" list to prepare for a trip, and this is a day when the little ones are in Children's Day Out. But God, in his sense of humor that I really don't understand most times, sees fit to allow Toben to come down with a stomach virus today. So about 20 minutes after I arrived at the office, I get a call that he has thrown up. So I pick him up and now at home working and loving on my sick boy!

The irony is that I am literally calling government officials inbetween pukes! It just hit me as hilarious..I actually laughed out loud! Only a mommy can find herself calling Liberia and Congress while cleaning up puke! You mommies out there can relate, I am sure! :)

Thursday in Liberia

Today was an awesome day! I really don't have the words..in fact, I was asked by the press to explain my excitment for the day, and I couldn't find anything to say! Shocking for me, I know! But let me try to explain for you.....

All I could say to John when I would call is, "I wish you were here!" I really don't know how to describe it! The day started with the press coming for a press conference here at the home. They set up a table that Amos, myself and one of the reps from the adoption coalition (actually the rep that is from the agency that we were adopting Eden and Addy from...God really does have a great sense of humor!)sat behind. Then the press set in chairs in front of us. Pastor Paul, an amazing man that is a friend of Amos that I have met on this trip said a prayer for us and Amos introduced me. When Amos sat down, all the press jumped up and put the video recorders, etc in front of me! I looked at Amos and said, "Wow!" and they all laughed! I explained our heart for Liberia, what we have done in the past, what we are doing now and named the families who have done things like the well, scholarship, books, etc. Then I asked if they had any questions. Boy did they! Wow! They HAMMERED me! One right after the other! But it was amazing! I don't really remember all that was said or asked...it was one of those times that you know the Holy Spirit was moving because I didn't think, the words just came! One of the questions was, "Since adoption is legal, what problems are you having and what ministry is the issue?" I nailed it! I just stuck it all out there and told exactly what had been said and done! I am usually really cautious for fear of retaliation, but I guess it needed to be said because it was out of my mouth before I knew it..totally not like me!

I could tell they were skeptical of what I was saying. One so much as said, so how will you make all these promises...and I said, "God!" I told them none of this is from me to begin with! It is what God laid on my heart, and I will continue it until He says stop.

From there, we went to the site of the new orphanage for the ground breaking. On the way there, I had about 45 minutes to think about all that I had just said. There were several things that I thought back on and went, "What?!" Where did that come from! One of them was that I told the press that we would have teachers who were trained to US standards at the school. What?! I have NEVER thought any such thing! And now I have told this group of men this?! If you know me, you know that my word is valuable to me! If I say, I mean it! I had said it, now what?! But even in that thought, God provided an idea. One, John and I could move there for a coupleo f weeks with all the kids this summer and train the teachers ourselves (I love that idea, John didn't like it so much!) or we could "hire" teachers who would be willing to go over there for a semester or a year on a missionary type job and teach while Liberian teachers observed and team taught. Then the American teacher would gradually turn the classroom over the the Liberian teachers. What a cool idea?! We could provide housing and minimal salary (what they would need to live here). That raises the money issue again, but since Kami's comment on my last money temper tantrum, I decided I wouldn't worry about it, trust God and plan to get busy on that when I get back!

So we arrived at the site and all walked to where the building will be put. The locals were busy clearing the brush. When everyone got there, we gathered around one of the remaining palm trees. It was just our little group and the press (no officals came that said they would, surprised?!) , but God was there! I don't know why I have been blessed to see the visible hand of God this way, but you could just feel His prescence. Some of the men from the village were there too, and it was amazing! Pastor Paul did the dedication and said a prayer that I know made the heavenlies shout for joy! It was awesome! I believe that there is a good chacne Pastor Paul is God's choice for a pastor for our church there on the compound! He is really amazing and has been a real encouragement to me on this trip! I am hoping to get him started in one of our school rooms as soon as the building is up!

Then we broke ground! Jeremy was all smiles as he should have been! What a time! We sang Liberian song of thanks. It was so good!

After we dedicated it, Amos said, "Come on HollyAnn, let's go find the end of the property!" Sure, I thought, I would love to. Mind you, I am in dress pants with very wide legs, a dress shirt and heels! When he grabbed the shovel and said he would take it "just in case", I should have caught a clue! So off we went. And I was in the bush! I even had to take off my shoes and pull up my pants to walk through the creek that runs through our land. I did fall once, but when you fall in the bush, there is lots of soft greenery to catch you...doesn't hurt...well, nothing but our pride! We walked all the way to the end. When we got there, there was a cool breeze off the ocean and a really tall, beautiful palm tree, we all just stood there. It was so quiet! I said, I think I can just reach up and touch God right now! And I got goose bumps that lasted for thirty minutes!

This evening, our story was on Star radio. After it aired Amos' phone started ringing! They did a fabulous job or reporting it. They stated we had a ground breaking ceremony, said that we would have a home and school, said we had $55000 USD for the project, then ended it by saying that we were having difficulties with the Ministry of Health, but hoped that they would be resolved. I nearly cried when I heard it! I knew God said "do a press conference", but oh I was scared! They can twist things here like no ones business! It was obvious that two or three that were here were not really that excited about adoption when they came, but by the time they left, they were laughing and joking with me and asking personal questions about the program. It was so neat!

Also, it was on the same news that the Executive Mansion released a statement that it is no longer rumor that the cabinet is being totally "shuffled". They said to expect changes in every ministry. This could be great for us! I really believe that the President is looking at adoption carefully and we will be protected in the new positions. We had already heard rumor that one official that we have BIG issues with would be leaving, but we didn't know if it was true. So please add to your prayer list that the men stopping us from processing adoptions smoothly would be removed and pro-children, pro-adoption, Christian people are put in those positions! This could be a HUGE opportunity for us!

I am going to leave you with a song the children taught me! They sing it very loud! It is just priceless! So here you go!

God is our Father

Jesus is our Brother

The Blessed Holy Spirit is our Guide

The Devil's no relation

I am a new creation

I'm a member of the family in the sky!

Wednesday in Liberia

God moved today!

I don't know how much I can get down because I am tired, and it is almost 11, but I don't want to forget some of the thoughts God brought to mind today! This is the scripture God took me to last night: Psalm 10:14-15 "You [God] have been the helper of the orphan. Break the arm of the wicked and the evildoer, seek out his wickedness until You find none." Psalm 10:17-18 "You have heard the desire of the humble; You will strengthen their heart, You will incline Your ear to vindicate the orphan and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth will no longer cause terror." I read this out loud all the way to the Ministry of Health with Amos and Pastor Paul, our driver, echoing amens in agreement! I believe God fulfilled His word!

The official who asked us to leave yesterday and make an appointment, never showed up for our appointment today...this seems to be a trend with me...that last man, the pastor of my last church never showed up for the meeting he set up either! But while we were waiting, a divine appointment happened with a lady who works in the ministry and is in charge of case histories. I shared our history as she is new. I gave her the article written about us and told her why we are so frustrated! She had to run to a meeting but said that she would be at our ground breaking tomorrow!

Yes, we are breaking ground officially tomorrow! We are also dedicating the property to God! We are so excited! Two, possibly three Congressmen will also be there! We are also having a press conference to share what Addy's Hope has done here in Liberia besides adoption to educate the people on our heart for the entire country! I am so excited, pray that I say what needs to be said for God to get the glory! He deserves it all! There is NO WAY I can do any of this!

When we signed the deed today for the land, the man doing it said, "I have never seen a deal go through this quickly, God must be in this!" Then he told us he wants to pray over the deed before he hands it to us to dedicate it to God! We had not discussed religion, our purpose for the building or anything with him! He just came out and said that! Praise God! That means that people are seeing God in what is happening, and not us! It was really neat moment!

I have so much more to say, but it is 11, and tomorrow is a BIG day! We still need things to break loose for adoptions, but I believe we might be on the right track! Well, I know we are because God is in control! He has sent me here, He has arranged all the meetings, and He has provided the funds to do what we do! Now we just have to continue to walk in obedience and faith, fight the fight and continue on!

Is it a glimmer of light through an open door or an on-coming train?

So after the BANG, I really put adopting right now out of my mind! I even started thinking how nice it would be to just "be". No big events on the horizon...just settling in as a family of 6! John will be very excited to hear that! I know pregnancy would not be possible (unless a miracle happened) because of the health issues I have been having. So with out adopting, our family would be complete, I think. I could get used to that idea for at least a while.



There was even a situation on the agency's website (the one that had the other baby) that was a baby girl due in 2 weeks. I didn't even consider it, well for a second, but I was determined not to "chase" a baby.



Then I get an e-mail yesterday from a dear friend. She was looking for a job (I still want the rest of that story, you!) and was considering one at an adoption agency. When she got on their website to check them out, she saw that they have a desperate need for families for African American babies. So she sent me the link. Is this a glimmer of light through an opening door, or an on-coming train to get me off track? Is this God saying, don't give up? Or just a friendly e-mail from a great friend who knew I was tossing around adopting again?



I forwarded it to John, and that is all I did. I don't even really know how to "think" about this anymore. I so do not want MY will! So much so that I really can't tell you what "my" desire in this is! I can go either way. I guess that is a good place to be.



I mentioned in a previous post that John has started the Experiencing God Bible Study. I decided to do it with him and ordered my own book. It came yesterday. So this morning, I started it full swing. So these are the summary statements from day one: "As I follow Jesus one day at a time, He will keep me in the center of God's will." and "Jesus is my Way. I don't need any other road map."



As I did the study, the thing that kept coming into my mind to apply this to was adopting right now. These are the statements that stuck out: Jesus said, "I am the Way." He did not say, "I will show you the way, I will give you a road map, I will tell you which direction to go" He said, I am the way!



Then they used the story of Abram again. He is going from being my hero to being a real pain in my you know what! Not really, but man, I wish I was like him! After reading Gen 12:1-5, Blackaby points outs: What did God say? How specific was He? "Leave" and "go." Go where? "To a land I will show you."



What?! So how did Abram know which way to start walking? How did he know whether to go North or South or East or West???? How did he know whether to leave today or in a week or in a year? That is what I want to know!!!! I have never been in more of a place in my life where I want to do God's will! I have no desire to do my will! Yes, I have flesh I fight and sin I participate in unkowingly and have to confess later, but as much as I can in my human state, I want God's will! I want to do His work.



There could not be a worst time for us to adopt. There is absolutly NO circumstance in our life that says this is a good idea. But are we supposed to look at circumstance? And actually that was true the last three times we started adoptions! It didn't stop us then. I would say we were wrong, but I have two beautiful little boys that say differently!



Blackaby says if I follow Jesus one day at a time, He will keep me in the center of God's will. I believe that. And I know in the past John and I have been too consumed with the BIG event and neglected the day to day. I can see maturity in us that we are focusing on the day to day in all areas and seeking God in those things instead of the "Big" things!



But that doesn't make this "adoption feeling" go away! And to say that we don't need to be "walking that way" would be ignoring the overwhelming nudges from God to pray for the mother of our next child that occured back in April when we were not even considering another child! So do I completely dismiss those as bad pizza or do I walk toward adoption one day at a time and see what happens?



So I called some agencies that I have talked to in the past and inquired....waiting to hear back on some and know that it would cost $880 in non-refundable money to get signed up with one (they are being very gracious to us because we are also in ministry!). So what is a girl to do? Pray some more? Walk? Which direction? I have always said the hardest part of adoption is that each decision is a commitment! To get pregnant you just quit preventing and see what happens! Ugh!

Empty arms...

Well, today is one of those days that I REALLY want a baby! I would give anything to feel that baby girl cuddled up under my chin or lying in my arms! I don't know why it is so heavy some days and not as heavy on others. I know God has a plan, I trust that plan, I just wish I knew what it was! I know many think I am crazy as my house is a pit and I have two toddlers running around and a pre-teen-wanna-be in her room sulking that I would even contemplate another baby. But my arms are empty my heart aches for the baby that belongs in them. I now some of my readers will understand!

He knew....

The timelessness of God's Word just keeps me in awe! Over two thousand years ago, He knew that I would need to know on July 22, 2008 (and MANY other days as well) that He is here no matter what the circumstances say. In many areas of my life over the last 10, especially 4, years, I have asked God, "Where are you???"

He knew that! So many times, the only hope I had to hold on to as I struggled through a rocky marriage, another hold in my adoptions, another hold in the adoptions of my families I work with, a phase of my children that I don't think I will survive, was that somehow through it all God would be glorified! Sometimes I rejoice in that, and sometimes I really don't care, I just want my circumstances fixed!

But what comfort to know that David, a man after God's own heart, felt the same way! I have read this verse so many times, but today it brought so much comfort! I know many of my blog readers are adoptive families with children half way around the world caught up in red tape, so I wanted to share this with you......praying it encourages you as it did me!

~ I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord.~ Psalm 27:13-14

Father God, for the mothers and fathers out there who have followed Your calling to bring Your children home, give them a day of peace! A day of rejoicing in the fact that You are working in ways they cannot see. God allow them to rejoice that they are getting to take part in seeing Your goodness...make that enough for today! Allow them to see just a little bit of your work today.....help them realize that they are changing lives for eternity, not just theirs and the child/ren they are adopting, but everyone who hears testimony of their adoption or who touches a piece of paper for their adoption can be changed for Your glory! Give them a "bigger picture" view that reaches beyond their own homes. Make them strong today and let their hearts take courage, may the words "wait on the Lord" bring peace and rest today trusting You to work out every detail and every time table as You see fit. Let them rest in Your will and Trust You to be the wonderful Father You are to them as well as their children! Thank You God for allowing us to walk this journey with You!