Number 8

I really should be working, but this blog post has been trying to come out for a week now.  Just haven't sat down to get it out...then friends post things like this:

As I came to the blog to type this, I saw my last post titled "Saying Yes"...well, there is a theme God seems to have me on...one I really thought I had gotten down...thought we had circled this mountain enough times I had learned my lesson...seven started adoptions, an adoption agency from the ground up, an orphanage in Liberia, an adoption ministry in Liberia, now a domestic program for waiting children, mom to seven, new church...haven't  I learned to say yes? Haven't I learned to let God be God..Lord of my life? As long as there is any area unsurrendered to Him, then the answer is: No!

Ugh! Really, God?! Haven't I said yes to enough? I mean look at Sally Sue over there, she __________ (fill in the blank with whatever you think is "enough")! Ask her to do something why don't you?  So for those of you who thought I had all this maturity, now you see the real me! :)

This has been just a few of my thoughts over the past few days as God has taken me back to a Sunday morning when Journey was just two weeks old.  I was teaching an adoption class at our church and through a speaker on a video we were watching, God told me there was another one.  Yes, another child.  I went home and wrote it in my journal.  I didn't tell anyone...not even John for weeks!  This would for sure get me committed to the loony bin! He gave me what I believe are some outlines of who number 8 is.  But as soon as He dropped the thought into my mind that we weren't done, I went to bargaining with Him!  I love babies!  So if we have to adopt again (yes, I meant "have to"...remember my attitude is the whole point of this post!), then I want a baby.  I want to bond or attach or whatever the professionals want to call it with this baby from the beginning!  I want to watch her grow up and protect her from whatever I couldn't have protected her from before she got to me even at a young age that caused her to need me to begin with!  And since I am not getting any older, God, would you please send her now?! Except I don't really think I can handle a baby now, so maybe wait a year or so, but if you wait a year or so, then I am starting over again, and I am really ready to be done with bottles and diapers.  So if we have to wait then maybe she should be older and maybe in about 10 years when I have recovered from the past two years?! Maybe send her now but make her the same age as Journey.  Oh, yes, that would give me THREE toddlers, maybe I didn't mean that! Ok, well you can send me a baby or maybe a toddler...or maybe not, but if you are serious about this, something has to give! I need a housekeeper at least.  My floors will never be swept again with just one more child.  Or how will I feed her or clothe her or have the brain power to listen to her lovely stories about nothing like little girls love to tell?  Better yet, God why don't I just tell you, I. Am. Done!

Silence

God?

Then finally...

You call me God.  You cry out to me as Lord, but you tell me what you will do or not do when I tell you there is more? You give conditions to what you will accept as my call on your life despite the fact you know adoption is the reason I created you for this time here on earth? You can not call me LORD if there is even one area of your life that is not surrendered whole hearted to me...all of it!

Matthew 7:21 says it this way: “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven."  I am not saying that my salvation is hinged on if I agree to adopt child number 8 or not, but it definitely says that simply calling Him Lord, doesn't make him Lord of my life!  Surrender makes Him Lord of your life!

I have said many times recently as I come out of the fog of the past two years that I know God added the last three children quickly because if I had time to really contemplate how hard things were between any of them, I might not have said yes to all of them.  I don't mean the children are hard, I mean life has been hard....learning how to juggle that many children, those mounds of laundry, finances for a family of 8, and on and on.  I feel as if I am just now getting my head above the water I was drowning in to breath! And now God, you would ask me to add another one?

I am reminded of Jesus in the garden when He prayed and asked that this cup pass from Him.  If Jesus who was fully man but also fully God asked for His entire reason for leaving heaven to come to earth to be taken away, I think God understands when I wrestle a bit through the things He may be asking me to do....but in the end of the wrestling, I have to be willing to say as Jesus did, "nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will!" (Matthew 26:39). I finally got to that place in worship this week!  Lord, I have no idea how I would do that! I have no idea where another baby would fit into our lives, but I refuse to live my life with any area unsurrendered to you!  Radical obedience is my desire for 2013...even if that includes number 8!

There may really never be a number 8, I am sure not actively pursuing that right now (Mom, if you are reading this, you can breath again!).  Perhaps God is asking me to put my Isaac on the alter and will provide a ram instead of me sacrificing my "son" as He did for Abraham. (Genesis 22).  I don't know for sure.  But I do know anytime I have any area that I say to God...if this is the direction you are taking me, the answer is no, then I have an area that is unsurrendered! And as long as I have breath, I am determined to live completely and totally surrendered to the One to Whom I owe my life!

Hiding from God

I realize this title is an oxymoron, or close to it, I think. There is no way to hide from an Omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent God. But when I choose to not spend time with Him, I am at least blocking Him out...as much as the Holy Spirit will allow before chasing me down, anyway!

I have hidden from God way too much the past two months. Different reasons, but all of them are rebellious at the heart of the matter. Rebellion doesn't look good on me! Definitely NOT flattering! So why do I "wear" it? Sometimes I know God just shakes his head at me...just like I do my kids when they are being less than smart!

A lot of the time I have deliberately not had my quiet times over the past couple of months. It has been because the battle of spirit versus flesh have been very present in my household. Battles with kids and how they see other kids act or being treated by their parents, battles with other family members over my stance on spiritual absolutes and what we allow or don't allow in our family, and inward battles with what I believe God is saying and my complete lack of desire to do it!

Most recently, my battle is the latter! Over the past few weeks, I have been considering a possible situation that has been placed before us. A situation that John and I have agreed would be an impossibility and as such have informed those asking us that we would not be doing it. I was very comfortable with that decision! I can give you a thousand reasons why we are justified in our response to say no to this situation. In fact, there are very few people that wouldn't want to call in the men in white coats if we walked forward in this situation! We have received very good feedback from everyone when responding with a resounding "NO!!!!!" to this situation. Very good feedback from almost everyone...and the only One who really matters, doesn't seem all that thrilled with my no!

It started with a little whisper that said, "Did you ask Me about this situation? Did you ask Me what My plan is here?" To which I quickly responded, well God of course You don't want me to do this! It would stretch me beyond what any human is capable of! It would put stress on every area of our lives! There is no way You would want us to do this. To which I hear again, "Have you asked Me what I want in this situation? Have you asked Me what I can do in this situation? Have you looked at what matters to Me?"

We had a guest couple at our church for a marriage seminar and then they spoke again on Sunday morning. Their testimony and much of their walk in their marriage, mirrors a lot of John and mine. It was very encouraging to hear them! But God also used them to speak to me about this situation. In my quiet time before hearing them speak, God stirred it in me, then as they spoke, He solidified what I believed Him to be saying.

I believe He has said that we are to say "yes" to this situation. I don't even know that the "yes" will actually require anything of us. I don't know that the actual event will occur. But I know God wants me to be willing and ready to say "yes" to whatever He calls me to. And I know that God has spoken to my heart that I am limiting Him with my human perspective. I am telling Him where His boundaries are in my life and that is pretty much like the pot saying to the potter what it will be!

So I have spent the last week sleeping in and hiding from God. I don't know that I have ever consciously avoided Him because of what I think He will tell me before. But this week I can definitely say that I have. I'm tired of being stretched! I'm tired, period! I feel like I am literally on the brink of impossibility and God just seems to be saying, not only are you going to do all that I have commanded (even the things you aren't doing yet because you are being slow to obey Me), but add this to your list!

So tonight is the first time in a week or more that I feel like I have really engaged with God. Why? Because all my other attempts this week, feeble attempts, have failed. Why? Because I had rebellion in my heart and disobedience on my mind! I was coming to God saying, "I don't want to know what you want from me....I just want you to fix this, and this, and this...THEN maybe I will consider listening to you!" God reacts to that about how I would to one of my children telling me that!

But tonight, I come before Him ready to obey. Ready to lay down my agendas, my fears, my limitations and say yes to God. Whatever He asks of me in this situation, I'm ready to walk in obedience trusting Him with the rest! Hang on folks! This is going to be one crazy ride! ...oh, and pray for John! This may just send him over the edge! :) I have already told him I think God has spoken a "yes" in this situation, and He looked at me like I was a mad woman! He had no clue what he was getting himself into 13 years ago when he watched me walk down the aisle and took me as his life partner! But I wouldn't want to be on this journey with anyone else!

Looking for a miracle!

There is a baby in need of a home. There is a home in need of a baby. What keeps them apart? $20K

Well, I posted a few days ago that I am looking for miracles...well, that was pretty vague. So here is a specific one!

You can look back over my posts and see that God has laid a baby girl on my heart....my first prayer for her was in April...I didn't know why I was needing to pray at that time, but I was overwhelmed with the need to pray...I believed it was something important, like mom was deciding not to abort, to place for aodption...something major! But John has really not been very open to the idea of more children...until the last few days. There was a situation that came up that brought the subject right to our front door, and we had to get the elephant out of the middle of the room so to speak!

Well, that situation, so far, has not materialized, but I did get an e-mail today about a baby girl born Oct 28. She is in Agency cradle care waiting for a family. We have the home study. We have the desire, we just don't have the $20K. I have no idea how we would get $20K in 24 hours, but that is the miracle I have asked God for this evening! We coudl probably get that in cash advance on our credit cards, but then we couldn't pay the minimums!

So I am leaving no stone unturned. If we don't have it and this baby finds a family before we get it, then there is my answer. Am I chasing something because it is just my desire and not God's will....I am willing to admit that is a possibility right now. But really, John coming to the conclusion that we could add a baby to our home is really a much bigger miracle than the $20K! Don't get my wrong, my husband is wonderful! But having more children was really not on his radar! This is him walking in obedience and faith! What we are all called to do!

So, here is how it goes! I am putting my donate button on the side. Let's see what God can do. I've never done anything like this before, but hey, if anyone can land $20K in my paypal account by in the morning, God can! So I have asked him for the money to bring this baby girl, all 5lbs 13 oz and 19 inches of her, into our home!

I will report back! I have heard so many stories over the years in my work of how families have literally been handed checks out of the blue for the amount needed for their adoption....I never dreamed that would happen to me, but with God all things are possible! So I am asking and waiting with anticipation!