Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Future CEO

Maybe Ava will be a better CEO than me...whether in her home or in the corporate world. She seems to be a natural! Multi-tasking already!


CEO, "P-tree" Family

As I have thought about my role in my home, the description I love best is CEO. Yet as I have been praying about my role in my home and the unorganization, chaos that seems to always be in the Petree household, I realized that as CEO of the "P-tree" family the way it is now, I would have been fired! I am not exaturating orf looking for pats on the back to tell me I am doing well. I truly would have been fired if I was as ineffective at running a company as I am at running my home. We are always playing catch up. I never seem to be able to get on top of things so that there is any planning ahead. For example, John and I had a meeting last night that we have known about for almost 2 weeks, but I was on the phone at 3:45 looking for a baby sitter! I am tired of living like this! So that means change is in store here at the "P-tree" house!

Now I am as inept in the busines world as they come! So I am not totally sure that looking at myself as a CEO is going to work either, BUT it is a good place to start and reminds me of the importance of my job here at home.

Having said that, I am looking for help! I need to put operating systems into place. Not just a schedule, but true operating systems. If you have suggestions, please leave them in the comments so that I can try them out! I mean things like how do you keep up with your children's chores? How do you handle paper work? Who has what duties in your household? How do you plan meals, shop, etc? I am open to any and all suggestions! The P-tree Family is about to get a shake up and I couldn't be more excited! I'll keep you posted!

Monday, April 28, 2008

It aint chocolate!

Want to know how my Monday is going? Well judge for yourself! And if you wonder what the big deal is, refer tot he post title! Warning: do not scroll down if you are eating while reading this!











maybe its time to get REALLY serious about potty training! John wanted to know if I scolded her, but she looked so innocent! She had NO idea that what she just did was as bad as it was. I probably failed in any attmept to make her know it was for fear that if I didn't just laugh, I might lose control! :)

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Ready for my home!

I had a friend title a post "I Am an Alien". It was as if she had read my journal over the past three years, specifically the last year. I have really struggled with getting closer to God because of the discomfort it brings me in having to live in this world.

"Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly lusts, which wage war against the soul. Keep your behavior excellent among the Gentiles, so that in the thing in which they slander you as evildoers, they may on account of your good deeds, as they observe them, glorify God in the day of visitation". 1 Peter 2:11-12

It is human nature to want to "belong". Yet as I grow in my relationship with Christ, the more I don't belong....not just in the world, but in my church. No one seems to "get" me. I am about as real as it comes. I don't think I have a fake bone in my body....sometimes that is a real curse! Yet tonight I was asked by a dear friend if I feel fake? It was because I was sharing with her my struggles that I am facing right now. They are some pretty serious issues, yet at the same time I am full of joy and hope. She wanted to know how I could talk about a life that is full of some miserable struggles and issues yet be in front of people smiling and giving advice. Try as I might, I could not get to come out of my mouth anything that expressed how I feel! Yes I am in despair some days, but those are the days I take my eyes of my Precious Jesus, the Author and Perfector of my Faith! The days I wake up and cling to him from the moment my mind is concious till I drift off to sleep, I am filled with hope in the pit of despair! I kind of see that as normal. I realized quickly in my conversation that even that made me an alien!

All your commands are trustworthy; help me, for I am being persecuted without cause.Psalm 119:86

I am learning more each day that my life is no mine. NOTHING about my life is mine! Not my desires, not my minutes, not my house, not my money, not my talents, definitly not my children! If a miscarriage of your first child didn't teach me that deep enough, adoption has! I have not right to tell God what I am going to do or not do! I have not "right" to tell him I have had enough of a loveless marriage (speaking from years past, not present! John is awesome!!!!), I have no "right" to tell him I am overwhelmed and He needs to let up. He knows all that already! He knew when he would call me to take my last step of faith that it would bring challenges in EVERY area of my life and the life of every member of my family. Yet He said, "Take it and watch Me!" That is something this world doesn't understand! If I made a pro and con list for that decision, the cons would FAR outweight he pros! God doesn't work on pro and con lists! I am pretty sure building an ark when it had never rained, marching around a wall seven times, putting your son on an alter and raising a knife to him would never have made the pro and con list decision making strategies, yet these are all commands from God documented in scripture.

Those who love their life will lose it, while those who hate their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. John 12:25

John 14:17
that is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it does not see Him or know Him, but you know Him because He abides with you and will be in you.

The world rejects Truth. It doesn't hear it. It can't. But when Christians look no different than the world, how can we even hope they will want to hear it? Oh God, how I want to live in a way that make the world want You!

John 15:19
"If you were of the world, the world would love its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, because of this the world hates you.

But living that way, will mean that the world at times will hate me....and that is a sacrifice I am having to learn is worth it....even if the "world" in this sometimes means my own fellow Christians. And that my dear friends makes me very ready for my Home in Glory!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Lessons from Veggie Tales

I was sitting in the take out line of a local restaraunt (why was I there??? because there was no food to cook for me and my two children! why was there no food???? because Mommy has done a horrible job of shopping and planning for meal!) now where was I....oh yes, I was sitting in the take out line with Veggie Tales playing on the DVD player so that it would keep my two starving children from screaming (did I mention they were hungry because I was late with lunch because I was on the phone with a friend? a much needed conversation I might add, but still made me late!) when I heard "When you know God made you special it doesn't matter what other people think." Was that Larry the Cucumber or God??? The way it penetrated my core made me think it had to be God! One simple lesson from a children's video, but on a day where I am late with lunch, I have nothing to cook, I didn't get my make up on this morning, I got my shower, but didn't get to fix my hair, my paperwork is piled so high I can't get to my desk, and I have spent the morning telling a friend about my personal as well as professional struggles, I needed to hear that if God made me special it doesn't matter what other people think. I can be a wiggly gaurd (ok that was the squash's issue in the movie) and if that is what God made me to be, then it is ok. When I am doing my best, God knows if even if those around me do not.

Such a simple truth, but one I am afraid I struggle with....even on a day when I know God spoke to me directly...even if through a cucumber!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Sicker than a dog!

I don't know where that expression came from, but I was sicker than sick yesterday! I don't remember feeling that sick in a LONG time. In fact, the pain from the stomach cramps could only be compared to giving birth. I am feeling better today, but every time I get up, I break out in a cold sweat, so I am staying put except for the necessities of caring for Toben and running the other kids to CDO and school!

Why is it that when you are sick and can't do anything you see all the needs to be done?! Yet when I am able to get it done, I don't work near as hard as I am convinced I would today (since I can't!).

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Pure joy.....getting there Part Two

"In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" ~Romans 8:28

"The will of God does not entertain defeat. God doesn't waste any experience in our lives....Every defeat contains a treasure." ~Mary Southerland

When I read Romans 8:28 now, I realize that my definition of "good" has changed! Used to, "good" meant it worked out MY way.

After returning from Sierra Leone while struggling through my desire to just walk away from God and all He wanted from me, there was one person whom I had been corresponding with and had told me to call her to talk about what I was facing right then. I of course put off the phone call because I really didn't want to hear what she had to say. But then, after knowing I couldn't be that "beautiful woman" with out God, I decided to call her and just see what she said. This of course was also a part of my legalism. If I *did* all the right things, then I would have griping rights for being miserable. When I called her, she told me two stories. One of them I can't remember, but I do remember thinking in my head, "ya, ya, I know that! Doesn't really help me because I really don't care!" But the other one made me stop and think! She told a story of how a friend of hers felt called to go to Russia to be missionaries. This friend and her husband believed with all that was with in them that God was calling them to Russia. They were in their retirement years, so money was not readily available. They spent over a year trying to drum up support so that they could follow God's call. After a year of support letters, speaking engagements and much prayer, they still didn't have enough to go. This friend went into a depression over not being able to go to Russia. She just knew God had called them to Russia and didn't understand why He hadn't followed through with *His* plan. My friend said she asked her friend what her goal was in going to Russia. Her friend answered that she wanted to follow God, to bring Him glory, to make much of Him. Debbie asked her, then why are you so down about this situation? Did you follow God? Did you do all you could do to walk the path you heard him call you down? To which the friend answered "yes". Then Debbie asked her, then where was your hope? Where was your trust? Basically, what is your problem? Then she said something that transformed me: If you wanted to glorify God, then you did that. He is still here. He has not gone anywhere or changed just because you didn't go to Russia. He was glorified in your obedience. He is much more concerned about what is happening on the inside of you than in working out all circumstances to your liking.

That was profound for me. It made me stop in my tracks of legalistic thinking! If my goal was to glorify God in Eden's adoption, then why was I so disappointed? At some point in the journey, my goal had gone from glorifying God to just wanting Eden home. God's "good" in this journey was to transform me from the inside out. While Eden or Addy neither one came home, I was a new person! I had learned about perseverance, I had learned about the sustaining grace of God, and I had learned the US immigration law as it applied to adoption that allowed me to work in Liberia and bring home 19 children so far. Working "it" out for good according to God's purpose was to make me a new person, a person more open to hearing his voice, a person who desired His will over my own, a person who understood that He cares so much about who I am on the inside that He would take me and all those around me on a nearly two year journey that would end in what the world would call disappointment. But as my definition of good was tranformed, I knew that God truly had worked it all for good according to His purpose because He made me new!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

a budding artist!



This is what rounded the corner of my kitchen earlier today! Who needs paper???


The foot print of the budding artist left behind on my kitchen floor!

Who's the boss anyway?

Here is a conversation I just had with my three year old:
Toben: Mamma!
Me: What?
Toben: I fall down!
Me: didn't respond (he was right beside me and didn't "fall" down, but was laying on the carpet
Toben: Mamma!
Me: what?
Toben: Say, "Sorry, Toben!"
Me: Sorry, Toben!

:O)

Pure joy.....getting there

Ok, I posted a few days ago (if I was really good, I would link it here, but I haven't totally figured all that out yet!) about the pure joy scripture. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance" -James 1:1-2 That post described my inability to see my current struggle, which you now know is depression, as a joy.

But over the past week, God has met me in the pit! This morning, I can say that this struggle is pure joy! Not because I love being depressed but because at the end of myself, in the bottom of the pit, there is no where to go but to the arms of my Savior, my Best Friend, my Redeemer, my Strong Tower. I am totally out of the way, and He can speak more clearly. He can whisper, and I hear Him. I am forced to be still, cease striving, sit quietly, stop spinning around, and know Him...know He is God!

One of the most profound understandings I have learned from my current pastor is the difference between knowledge and wisdom. I have known for some time that knowledge "puffs you up" (1 Cor 8:1), but wisdom is the beginning of the fear of the Lord; yet I was never really sure what was the difference. Patrick always describes it as head knowledge (knowledge) and heart knowledge (wisdom). In order for a truth to become real, to pass from your head knowledge to heart knowledge where it takes root in the inner being of your soul, where it transforms us, we must experience that truth in life. As I have walked through the past four to five months (or really the last 3 years), much of my head knowledge has become heart knowledge!

So many things that I wrestled with about walking this earth as a Christ Follower and the character of God has been revealed to me in this time in "the pit". I will try to share some of these with you over the next few days.

The first one is the understanding of "salvation".

After Eden's adoption, trust of God was my biggest issue. I had stepped out in faith. I had heard his still small voice, sacrificed "my" desires for His, and "all it got me was heartache". My husband blamed me for the financial state we were in since our $15,000 adoption of two children (which with the tax credit would eventually be free) had turned into a $30,000+ non-adoption with no tax credit. My family who hadn't been too keen on the idea to begin with now really thought I was nuts. I had to watch my 5 year old wrestle with losing two sisters she already loved more than I ever dreamed she would (she still says we have SIX children!). I was ready to walk away from God. I actually told God I was finished. I know my salvation is sealed. I didn't do anything to earn it and I can't do anything to have it removed. So I came to the conclusion that I would live like so many Christians that I saw around me. I would walk in the security of eternal salvation, but my life here on this earth would be about me. I told myself there were no more rules. For the first time in my life (at least to my knowledge), I was open to willful sin (I know I sin daily, but I was always too scared of the wrath of my parents and then of God to "willfully" do any "big" sin!). I told myself I could leave John; I could have lipo suction and get a boob job; I could buy anything I wanted; I could find a man that made me feel good and just have an affair; I could go back to work so that we had money to do all the above. You name it, I thought it! Nothing was off limits! If I thought it would make me happy and ease the pain in my heart, I could do it! If it would "feel good", I could go for it! I was not talking to people in my life that I knew would speak truth. I didn't want to hear it! I didn't want them to tell me what I already knew (in my head only)! I was mad at God! I felt abandoned by Him. I knew the Bible said He would never leave me nor forsake me (head knowledge), but my heart was telling me that was a lie.

However, right before I left for Sierra Leone, a friend had invited me to do an on-line book club with her. The book was Captivating. They had started it while I was in Africa, but I had decided to try and catch up when I got back. John had accepted a contract to teach a week long course at his Alma matter in Dallas, so a few days after returning from Sierra Leone, I was in a hotel room in Dallas with a five year old and four year old. We spent a lot of time at the park, and they would nap in the afternoons. So this left lots of time for thinking. Something I really didn't want to do right then. But reading Captivating made me think. A lot of that book was very hard for me to read (for reasons not related to the adoption), but there was an underlying theme that kept me intrigued. There is a "beautiful woman" that is described several times in the book. As I wrestled with what would make me "happy", what I wanted out of this life (remember, no rules at this point), this "beautiful woman" is what kept coming to mind. This "beautiful woman" was described as being so confident of herself in Christ that when you talked to her, your soul could "breath". That she had such a peace about her that women were drawn to her because she was a place of rest for them. As I wrestled with my "happiness" I realized that what I wanted most in this world was to be that woman! Even with no rules, my heart's desire was to be that "beautiful woman". As soon as I realized that, a still, small voice said, "and just how are you going to be that woman with out Me?". And that started my journey back to God.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

A baby named Audrey

You just have to read this family's story! What a precious testimony they have! Adption isn't the only hard road when it comes to our children!
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

Saturday, April 12, 2008

God speaks.....

I am cleaning the kitchen from breakfast and have the radio on and am contemplating this adoption thing...wondering how we will ever pay for another adoption or raising another child! But I also wrestle with the complacency of Christians toward the children of this world. American Idol Gives back touched me, but I was sickened that people who don't know Christ have more compassion for the children of this world that those of us claiming to have the love of Christ. Many (even my closest friends) would say my plate is full.....I would be crazy to adopt again, yet there are children in need, and we have love to give! Then I hear the words, "I'm about to let go and do what I believe!" I believe in reaching out to children in need of a home! God does too! So I looked up the lyrics to this song....when I read all of them, I just sat with tears streaming down my face! John is down loading it right now so I can listen to it again.....I think this is going to be one of those diving (when I proofed this I saw this spelling mistake, supposed to be divine, but decided to leave it because 'diving' fits too!) moments that when I look back in a few months or years, I will know God spoke to me and moved me from my comfort to letting go!


BarlowGirl - Let Go
From the album Another Journal Entry

Yeah, I trust in You
I remember times You led me
This time it’s bigger now
And I’m afraid You’ll let me down
But how can I be certain
Will You prove Yourself again?

Chorus:
Cause I’m about to let go
And live what I believe
I can’t do a thing now
But trust that You’ll catch me
When I let go
When I let go

What is this doubt in me?
Convincing me to fear the unknown
When all along You’ve shown
Your plans are better than my own
And I know I won’t make it
If I do this all alone


Friday, April 11, 2008

Crazy for sure!

Ok, I just posted about how depressed and in the pit I am. Yet, there is this familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach......I long for a baby! I truly have lost my mind! Two of you who read this are responsible for this issue! Two of our adoptive families have answered God's call to bring home children while they wait for Liberia to get their act together so they can bring their Liberian children home....one of these precious families is also expecting a baby through pregnancy! Go Courtney! Well, I was fascinated, so I asked one of them how they came to find these precious children. Funny thing, these two blamed the other for their blessing! At any rate, one of them, Carolee e-mailed me the link to the referral service where her precious little girl came from. She said to look at my own risk and I was silly enough to bookmark it! Before Carolee sent me this link, I had not looked at a situations site in two years! I told her it is all her fault! She gladly accepted blame! :) I would LOVE to have a newborn AA baby girl! I want hair to braid! I know that is crazy! But it is something that is deep in me that I can't shake...and John says I can NOT grow out Toben's hair to braid it! :(



I feel my biological clock ticking! I have always told John I may drive him crazy right now, but I truly don't see myself as a person who once kids are about grown having this overwhelming desire to have a baby. I want to have time after children to follow more of my dreams to work in adoption on a larger scale. (Courtney, this is for you!). I told John today when I am old and gray, I want to start a free domestic adoption program! That would be a dream come true for sure! But I am not getting younger, and my baby is almost two and poopied in the potty for the first time this week! So it is time for a baby around here!

Having said that I confess that I e-mailed about an AA baby girl due here in Texas at the end of May. The only thing standing between us and her is about $24,000! So John said look at the state to see if they have any availabilities. So I did. I know they never have babies on their sites, but I found these statistics that just made my jaw drop! (Note, these statistics were BEFORE the 416 children were removed from the polygamist compoung in El Darado outside San Angelo about 2 hours from here!)

Are children available for adoption in Texas? Yes, through both public and private adoption agencies. For example, in 2004, Texas had 10,047 children in the welfare system waiting to be adopted of whom 553 were under the age of 1 year, and 3,535 were between ages 1-5 years old. The actual number of children adopted through Texas public child welfare agencies was only 2,556, which represents only a small portion of the total number of all Texas adoptions (exact numbers are not available at this time).

Did you see that???? 10,047 children!!!! That is a whole town! What are we waiting on? Maybe I should do this even in my pit!!! The Christian community HAS to step up! Children need us...children right here in our own back door! I don't have to go to Africa to find children in need...there are 10,047 right here in my state...just one of 50 in this great nation we call home! But I know I am preaching to the choir here since all my readers are adoptive families! :) Thanks for letting me get on my soap box for just a minute there!

In Texas, they are actually looking for churches to step up and help with this issue. This is off the state departments website:

Prior to 1875 the faith community was the institution that dealt with the miss treatment of children. We would like for the faith community to get involved again with the mission of helping abused and neglected children.

Child Protective Services (CPS) needs foster parents for children of all races and ethnicity's, ages newborn through 17. CPS also is seeking adoptive families for a wide range of children with a special emphasis on older children and sibling groups.

In FY 2007 CPS received over 241,000 reports of child abuse and neglect, completed 163,466 investigations and confirmed that over 71,000 children were victims of child abuse. The state of Texas is asking for your help. We understand that as an agency we can not care for all the children in the state alone. Sometimes it takes a congregation to raise a child.



John doesn't know this yet (he fell asleep on the couch while I was doing adoption searches hee!hee!), but I put in a request for information from the state department for foster/adopt. There is an informational meeting (we went to one in 2000 in Lubbock) on April 22. Maybe we will go........

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Confession

Well, where to start.

The reason there have been weeks with no posts is because I was scared to post. Scared to put what I was feeling out there for others to view. Scared to really even acknowledge to myself the depth of what I am facing.

But over the past couple of weeks, God has shown me so much. And today I know its ok to share because it doesn't change what He thinks of me and truly that is all that matters (easy to say, hard to believe!).

The reason for my silence since coming back from Liberia is that I finally hit the bottom of the pit of depression. I have been battling it for some time, but the darkness fully engulfed me over the past few months.

Many of you may be thinking what I always thought of people struggling with depression...she must have an issue with God to be in the pit of darkness or if she would just trust God more, she could over come this....well, you are right! But as I posted a week or so a go, every time God takes me to the end of myself, He shows me more of Him. And I am learning a LOT about Him right now!

What pushed me into the pit? Well, there are many things. Some of them too private to share in such a public forum. Our trip to Liberia was what pushed me over the edge, but it is not the sole problem, just the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. There are years of stuffed pain that I didn't deal with because I didn't know how or because well meaning people around me told me I didn't have the right to feel that way. There are many things I could say, but I fear I would ramble. So instead, I am going to post some things from Mary Southerland's book "Hope in the Midst of Depression" because she says it so well!

*When you bury pain alive, it keeps popping up at unexpected moments....we must deal with our past....We can allow our past to defeat us or we can harness that past and use it for power today. Painful experiences we try so hard to hide can be changed from the quicksand of defeat into stepping stones of victory and healing.

*He [Jesus] modeled the truth that the foundation for health in every area of life is balance. When our lives are out of control and unbalanced, we are an easy target for depression.

*Nobody become depressed overnight. Nobody overcomes it overnight. The journey out of the pit of depression is a process of steps uniquely planned by your Father. He is the Guide for your journey out of the darkness.

*To wait means to accept the pit. When we commit our lives to God, nothing touches us that doesn't first pass through His hands. And as painful experiences pass through those hands of love, those hands that are committed to our growth, that painful experience is transformed. what once was destructive becomes a tool in the hand of our loving Father, who will take it, put a handle on it, and then use it as a tool for our good.....He loves us too much to waist our pain. He is more committed to our long-term maturity than our short-term comfort.

*Picture falling into a slimy pit. Your first reaction, like mine, would probably be to frantically claw and struggle and fight your way out. Then, when you have used up all of your energy, you stop struggling and sit down to rest and wait for help because that is all you can do. You have no other options. When we come to the end of ourselves, then God begins His work of healing and restoration.....Part of waiting involves seeking. To wait on God is to seek Him, to examine every circumstance in search of His fingerprints. Waiting is trusting. Waiting is resting. Waiting is the absolute confidence that God will intervene. That choice to wait demands trust on our part because acceptance grows from the fertile soil of trust. {HollyAnn's interjection here: This is probably the reason I didn't deal with the depression effectively when it first started! As you know if you have known me since Eden's adoption, trusting God is my hardest thing! I fully believe He has taken me here to make me trust Him...it is working! What other choice do I have?!}

*Our weakness and helplessness are an invitation for the power of God to take up residence and display itself in our lives. {HollyAnn again: Hallelujah! This has always been my number one goal....to glorify God. Yet, in depression, that is difficult to do...who looks at a depressed person and says, "I want what she has?!" So I can't wait to see how God uses this weakness to show His power! I am ready to see it!}

*Pride always hinders authenticity. Emotional health begins at the point of emotional integrity, which can be truthful enough to say to our selves and to others, "I need help." We cannot be right until we choose to be real. {HA again: But strong women don't need help! Spiritual women have all they need in God}

*Stress, hurry and intense activity can cause us to lose our perspective, to disconnect from ourselves and from our purpose in life. The busier we are, the more we need regular solitude. I love the Greek motto that says: "You will break the bow if you keep it always bent." I broke. {me too!!} One of the main reasons I broke was that solitude had never been a part of my life. I was too busy being spiritual. I was too busy trying to earn God's love and approval. I was too busy trying to be good enough. I was too busy running from the past. During my two years in the pit, I gave up every role of leadership in order to spend time in solitude, seeking God. It felt as though I were giving up my identity because so much of who I was had been built upon what I did. {me again: the very reason I have not dealt with the depression really before now. It would require me to back off from the things that "identify" me....even people close to me couldn't see me not doing some of the things I have had to let go of. Another lie from the pit!}

*As I struggled with the guilt and self-condemnation of my frailty, the Father taught me an important truth that has revolutionized my life. He is more concerned with who I am than what I do. He love me- warts and all. If I never do another thing in the kingdom, He still loves me.

If you are struggling on any level with depression, I highly recommend Mary Southerland's book. It is transforming my life, and I see a light that I know this time is not an on-coming train as I have felt so many times over the years, but is my Savior, my Night in shining armor riding in on His white horse to come and save me!

Since I am afflicted and needy, let the Lord be mindful of me. You are my help and my deliverer Psalm 40:17

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Say, "Jesus!"

I can't get the video to work, so I figured I would share some pics of my newest addition!


You know when English the way we West Texans speak it is your second language, I guess it is an easy mistake. When Toben takes a "picture" of us he holds up his camera and says, "JESUS!".




I really do have other children, but they are at school most of the day when these pics were taken! :)

Pure Joy???? Ha!

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance -James 1:1-2

Of course this is one of those versus that all of us who grew up in church can pretty much quote. Yet, the meaning still evades many, dare I say most Chrsitians in Amercia. I am right there with them! There are many aspects to this truth that God has been refining in me over the past four years (really the past 10, I just didn't realize it until the past 4...really slow learner!).

As I have reflected on this verse over the past year or so, I have found my main problem: you must desire perseverance in order to consider it joy that you are gaining it! There in lies my problem! Do I really want perseverance? Do I really want to look more like Christ? Of course the church answer would be "YES!". However, as I have faced the trials in my life over the past few years, I have found that many times I am crying out to God that I don't want to look more like Him if it means hurting this badly or being this lonely or being this misunderstood. So do I really want to look more like Christ? Yes, I do. But do I want it badly enough to rejoice in these trials? I am not there yet. I want to be there. I want to desire God and His ways more than I desire my own comfort or easy life. But I am just not at that point.

I read about Christians in other countries who suffer to the point of death. (The death thing doesn't bother me once bit, but the suffer part before it scares me!)Christians who sing praises as the fires engulf them or their nails are being torn out. How do they do that? What am I missing about who God is that they know? We in America don't know what it is to be persecuted for our religion. Maybe we get the occasional snear because we mentioned God or have to fight a battle to keep the ten commandments in a court room (if we showed God's love in that same court room would we have to fight to keep the ten commandments there?!), but really being persecuted has not been a part of the Christian life since I have been alive here in America.

Many times I just think I have led too easy of a life. I accepted Christ when I was 10 years old. I have really not known life with out Christ. When Jesus said those who have been forgiven much love much, he wasn't joking. Sometimes I am jealous of people who had to struggle before their conversion because I know they truly understand the grace of God. I think many time I miss it. Maybe that is it! There is the joy part. My struggles now are what are bringing about the understanding of God's grace....I am just having to experience it this side of my Cross instead of the "before" side. Hmmmmm something to ponder more..............

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Video Help!

Ok, I have tried three times now to upload the video. It says it is loaded and processed, but then it won't post to the blog. Any suggestions????

Monday, April 7, 2008

Shake it boy!

John's favorite thing to tell Toben is "Shake it boy! This is the result! In case you can't understand, he is saying "shake my booty!"

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Garage sale

We got Toben home a little sooner than we expected, so we were not fully ready financially! So the last part of our expenses had to go on a credit card. Now we need to pay the credit card. Can I tell you how stressful finances are?! ugh!!!!! That is enough to give me the high blood pressure right there!

Anyway, we are having a garage sale this weekend to raise money for the adoption. We did this with Eden and made $1400, but we also advertised for people to donate items to us. We haven't done that this time as I just didn't have time.

I am one of those weird people that love garage sales! I don't mind shopping them now and then, but I LOVE having them! I know, weird! I love finding things in my house that we don't use any more and getting some cash for it. I price things at what I would pay for them (I am VERY cheap!) and feel like that is helping two people. I get rid of junk and earn a few coins, and someone else gets something they need!

Our tithe from the proceeds will be going to the Orphanage Project Liberia Check out this awesome project of my two dear friends, Kami and Jeremy Johnson!
So I will report proceeds after this weekend!

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

White Momma Needs Help!

Ok, I am admitting white momma failure here! Toben's head is horrible! He is all dry and flaky. John was washing his hair every other day, which I think is probably too often. So we are switching to once a week (although this morning the pediatrician told us to wash it every day, I'm not sure she knows what she is talking about!). I have tried two different types of lotion and even vaseling (because that is what the PA at our pediatrician had recommended). So suggestions for getting rid of flaky scalps is greatly appreciated! Maybe this is why I don't have a girl! :)