Friday, August 27, 2010

From Liberia to Kingergarten


This is my baby boy. He went to kindergarten this week. Did I cry? I managed to choke it back! I was actually doing great until John says as we headed to his classroom, "You came all the way from Africa for this!" That did it! My heart broke and the tears welled in the eyes.


I am learning that there are many significant events in life that with adopted children are even more significant. Not that the first day of kindergarten wasn't a big deal for Callie, it was! She was my first one to go! I thought my heart was being ripped out! But, there was never a doubt from the time she was conceived that she would go to kindergarten. That is just what we do in America. And really not a doubt that she would go to college...unless God calls her to the mission field before that....because that is just what we do in our family.


But that is just not the case with my baby boy, Toben! From the moment he was conceived, there was a question mark. Liberia has one of the highest infant mortality rates in the world. One in five babies die before they reach the age of five. That means one of my five children would not make it past five. That is sobering. It is also has one of the highest deaths among births for moms in the world. I can't imagine the fear mixed with joy his mother must have had when reality hit that she was expecting her second baby. Would she make it through the delivery to raise this baby and his older brother? If she did, would the baby survive? Would she have enough milk to nurse him? There are no other options for her, you see. No Wal-Mart to go buy formula if the milk doesn't come in. Toben defied the odds. He survived delivery, and so did she. He made it to two and a half years old before there was no more milk. Then he was brought to a home. A home full of children. A home that housed his older brother whose court decree had just been signed making him the son of an American family.



A mother who loved her son enough to let him go. A father who dreamed of a better future for his little boy. But more importantly, a Heavenly Father who had ordained Toben's days before even one came to be. He has a plan for Him!
All of that for Toben to make his way to kindergarten!








You see, this is the house that Toben live in before he moved to the orphanage.

























These are children in his village as they were when I visited last year.

They don't attend school. They have no hope of attending school. As we waited for him mother to come in from the field, we sat in the kitchen (pictured here) and talked to the girls and their babies. I use girls purposely as most of them could not have been more than 13 or 14 years old and had one or more babies. Those who were able were working the fields to get enough money or food to sustain themselves for one more day. Survival. That is the name of the game.










But not for Toben. God picked him up out of that and placed him in my home. He entrusted this little boy to me and John. He entrusted us to provide for him the things that he would not have received if he had been left where he was.


Why? Why did Toben leave and these other children remain? Why was it important for him to escape that life?


I.

Don't.

Know.



I wrestled with that as an adoptive mom before Toben, and I wrestle with it even more as an adoption/humanitarian worker. It is one of those things that I just have to release and rest in knowing that God's ways are not mine!


I often forget all that Toben came from, but on this day, as I walked him to his class, it came flooding back and I was overwhelmed with gratitude that I get to be this little boy's mommy! I was overwhelmed with the magnitude of what that means. I have a job to do with all my children, and I will be held accountable for my failures - which are many! But for my adopted children, God removed them from the mom they had for a reason. I don't know always why that reason is, but I owe it to those women and more importantly to God to bring honor to their decision to let them go and God's decision to place them with me.










As I took this picture, I knew in this situation, I was doing that! Toben was starting school. He was beginning a new chapter of his life that would not have been possible had he remained where he was. Even if I had supplied his mom with the money for school as so many think should be done (aka: UNICEF, Save the Children), there was NO SCHOOL for him to attend! It. Would. Not. Have. Happened! It wasn't just a matter of money! It was a matter of everything....and now, he has gone from Liberia to kindergarten, and only by the grace of God!

And he is not the only one! In an amazing thing that God has done just to add icing on the cake, Toben started with an orphanage mate! The little boy in this picture with Toben was in the orphanage with him. His family now lives two blocks from us and are some of our best friends!













God, thank you for my little boy. Thank you for entrusting him to me! I am overcome right now with how unworthy I am of this little guy! And you quietly remind me that I am so unworthy of the cross, and the oh so many other good gifts you have given me! My life is not enough, Lord for what you have done for me, but it is all I have....and I give it to You! Thank you for allowing me to be apart of this miracle of adoption! What a picture of Your love for us! Help me to always bring honor to your decision to place this little boy in my home and to be called my son. Thank you! I love you! Amen!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Not a moment late...

God was not a moment late...the one time that I would have preferred him to delay His response, He is right on time. Wouldn't ya know it?!

When we turned the orphanage over to Lifesong, I had no idea what the future of Addy's Hope or my work in adoption would look like. I knew my family had suffered greatly over the past three years and I needed to get my focus back on my family and make sure my priorities were in check with God's word.

God kept saying, take the summer off. So I did. I would try to think of what I needed to do for the future of Addy's Hope or adoption work, but God would shut down all thoughts with, "not until summer is over do I even want you asking me what you need to do." So I didn't. I spent the summer in my home with my children. I LOVED it! I am a stay at home mom through and through! I spent time doing things I hadn't done in a long time! I got some things in my home organized and running a bit more smoothly and was looking forward to doing more of that with three of five in school.

Well, God said take the summer, and he meant it! Not a moment more! On Monday, I received a call from a couple in our church who had just accepted the referral of a sibling group and needed a homestudy done right away. Then I got a call from another family that had been talking about adoption, but were ready to start the process...homestudy number two on the calendar. As the week has progressed, it has become even crazier! I have talked to two other families about adoption and praying through what they should do. At one point yesterday, I had two ladies in my dining room, one dropping off papers for a home study and the other sharing her struggle with God asking her to adopt again. At the same time both my cell phone and home phone were ringing. Although I didn't answer the phones at that moment, when I checked messages, it turned out those calls were about adoption also!

He was serious about taking the summer! And He has left no question as to what I need to do! God is doing something HUGE in our church as all but one of the situations I have mentioned are people from our church. I am so excited, I can hardly contain it! This is what I have dreamed of being part of since we adopted Noah nine years ago and I knew in my hear that God was going to use the Body of Christ to end the orphan epidemic all over the world and at the same time use the adoption of children to show the world His unconditional love!

I am struggling with balancing home and work...my biggest challenge since we started Addy's Hope. I have learned I am an all or nothing person. It is very hard for me to split my attention, time, energy, thoughts between two things. I am having to really rely on God to show me what to do each day and make sure I don't get priorities our of whack!

BUT - I am so blessed to be part of whatever it is God is doing! And I LOVE that no one can take credit for this movement because no one has gotten together and talked about it! It is just individual couples and people hearing God talk to them about adoption and then seeking out wisdom and information to walk in obedience! It is all God! How exciting is that?

I got an e-mail last night and two of the ladies are going to go with me to the Together for Adoption Conference! Can't wait! God is moving in a mighty way on behalf of His children and I am just blessed to be hanging on for the ride!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

If I only had time...

I have so much to blog and no time to do it! I hope to sit down tonight when the house is quiet and get some of these thoughts out of my head! God is doing amazing things! Circumstances havn't changed all that much, but He becomes more personal and more real each and every day that I focus my study on HIM and not on answers or problems!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Journey: For Jo

I want to respond to a comment I got on my last post about Little Guy...Jo, I did publish your comment, even though you could not be further from the truth...and I will explain why!
Hollyann,

I usually enjoy your posts and this is my transparent response - (we can be transparent too right?LOL).

No seriously, taking the last two posts together, it seems to me you rejected this little boy because: (a) your mom wouldn't like his braids; and (c) because his skin color wasn't your preference. In fact, after these two factors became apparent, your "heart was shut immediately." That's about as shallow as one can be. Wow.

I know you will either not post this or chalk it up to just another person attacking you. Or someone who doesn't really know you (even though the words are for the world to read). I'm sorry if that is usually the case. But this time, your last two posts are offensive. But, hey, its "transparent", so that makes everything just fine and unchallengable!

ugh.

Jo


First let me address why you concluded that I 'rejected' this little boy. If you will scan down my posts, you will see pictures of all five of my children. I'm not sure where you can say that I would turn a child away because of skin color. I have children of all shades. And have desired that since I was a child. But since you don't really know me, you wouldn't know that. And for the braids, yes, that would have been a challenge with my parents. And in fact, that concern is one of the least shallow things I could think. You see, once again because you don't know me, what you don't know is that my parents have been against all of our adoptions. They don't totally understand why we do what we do. They have come to respect it over the years, but even with the decision to take on another child, they had real concerns and were pretty well against it. Why I say it is not shallow to think of that is because when we have family pictures later this year, that little boy will be in them. That means that whatever child I bring into my home will be in the family portrait that my parents hang on their wall. When we adopted Noah, I didn't consider that. I very arrogantly told my parents about our decision to adopt Noah and pretty well just told them to accept it because we were adults and they couldn't stop us from doing it. That was shallow. But in the adoption journeys since then, I have come to realize that what we do does affect them. Will I ever choose pleasing my parents over walking in obedience to God, I pray I won't! But ultimately, considering that is not shallow and the feelings of fear about having to deal with their feelings about the braids, well those are real. I can deny them and pretend to be perfect, but that doesn't help me or the number of people reading my blog who have thanked me for my transparency in my decisions and dealing with inter-racial adoption. Those people read the heart in all my posts and understand that I don't make any decisions based on hair style or skin color, but on hours of prayer and being on my face before the Lord begging for His answers and submitting my will to His. Do I always succeed in making the right decisions, definitely not. But I can guarantee you that every decision from adoption to where to send my kids to school to how to spend our money is made at the foot of the cross with a heart that only desires to please God and glorify Him.

As far as my posts being offensive, I'm sorry that you chose to take them that way. My heart was shut immediately. But as I stayed and played with the Little Guy and as I prayed for wisdom over the situation, my heart opened...why else would I have been trying to find a way to accept the referral of him and his sister? Did you miss that part? His skin color and braids were not stopping me from pursuing it all the way to the point that God said, stop.

And for the skin color part. As I explained, that has to do with sensitivity to a child I have already committed to...my son. This is based on a conviction that I have had for over a year now...and have stood on even when my own husband didn't necessarily agree with me. Now that Toben has voiced these concerns, John totally agrees with me. Our decision to not take Little Guy was based on MANY things. I didn't go into all of them in my post about peace. But let me explain a little more here since you have brought up the skin color.

We are at 5 kids. In Texas, you can only have 6 kids total in your care before you have to be moved to a group home. When you become a group home, you are supposed to only take in kids who are 5 or older. That is not what John and I feel comfortable with at this time in our lives. I would LOVE to adopt older children, and in fact, we pursued a sibling group of 6 who were 7-16. You can read about that in older posts. But God shut that door and was gracious to show us the reason for that placement consideration. Ever since then, we have agreed that we needed to take in younger children. This has a lot to do with our calling in life...what I know I was put on the earth to do. I have a very strong call on my life to help children find families. I am blessed to know many large families...and by large I mean 9-20 children. I don't see us as a "large" family - a fact that just blows John's mind! John and I have talked many times about our admiration of these families. One thing that you notice is that their family is their calling. They do little else. They can't. When you have that many children, you need to limit outside activity to make sure you are serving your children and spouse. I stand firm on my belief that my family is my first and most important calling. I have gotten that out of balance at times with my work in Addy's Hope. So I am very protective of that now. As we look at adding children to our family, we also have to look at our role in Addy's Hope. John and I stood in our kitchen before calling Buckner and talked about what adding two toddlers to our family would mean. It would greatly hinder my ability to go to churches and talk about the need we saw at the group home. It would greatly hinder my ability to have couples over to the house to talk about what they feel God is asking them to do by adopting or fostering but are scared to death. I know my limits, and I know my calling. I greatly admire the women who have more children than me and handle it like pros..even home schooling! I don't judge them, I many times envy them. But I am confident in the calling God has on my life and that means I can't look at them and try to make my life look like theirs any more than they need to make their life look like mine. It means we all seek God for ourselves and walk in what He calls us each to...that is what makes The Body the I love so dearly function as a Body! We are nearing the limit of children we can handle at this stage of life with the calling God has on me for adoption as a whole. That means adding a child who is not full African American could possibly mean Toben grows up without a child who looks like him. I don't believe that is what is best for him, our family or what God has called us to. If you read back over my posts from The Journey, you will see where I post over and over that I am very confident that God puts desires in our hearts for a reason. They guide us to the child He has for us. Does he ask us to be open to things that are not our desires at times? Yes, and I believe He did that with Little Guy and I answered with a resounding, Yes, Lord! I am your bond servant! May it be to me as you desire! But in the end, He didn't say bring him home. He used Little Guy in my life, but I think more importantly in John's life, to solidify our calling to motivate and act as a catalyst to empower churches to empower their people to respond to the epidemic of children in need of families in our nation and around the world!

Jo, I don't know if you are a foster parent or adoptive parent or who you are because your profile is not public. I always find it ironic that the people who leave the most negative comments are the ones who do not have public profiles. I'm glad you have "enjoyed" most of my posts. I would love for you to continue reading my blog. But I would encourage you to not leave negative comments on my blog or anyone elses if you are not going to be bold enough to at least have your blog public and open yourself up to the same kind of criticism from strangers that you are giving to me and anyone else that you leave such comments on their blog.

I could have posted the nice, thought about, wrapped up thoughts on my blog. I could have left out the messy ones. The ones that aren't generated from God...the ones that I can look back later and know the enemy was using to derail me...but I chose not to even with the criticism of people like you. I do that because I believe it is VERY important for those of us who have gone before to be frank about our feelings and fears in adoptions...especially inter-racial adoptions. That way those who are being called to do this and are just beginning are not discouraged and dissuaded by their own fears and thoughts that they are too scared to speak because of people like you who will judge them and put them down.

Since you don't have a public profile and I don't know if you are a foster or adoptive family, I don't know if you have ever had to wrestle with any of these kinds of thoughts. If you are an adoptive or foster family and you have never had any of those "what if" or "is this the match for me" thoughts and took every child that came your way without question, then you are either a saint or not totally honest with anyone...including yourself. I have walked many adoptive parents through the process of deciding whether a placement is right for them. The ones I respect the most are the ones that wrestle with that decision. It shows that they are very serious about the role they have in taking in a child. It shows that they believe that adoption is permanent! They are not a family who will give it a try and then if it doesn't work out, place the child back up for adoption like some do. I truly admire families who wrestled this out....even if in the end it meant they turned down a placement.

You said you are only being transparent. I would encourage you to be more transparent...open your profile so I and anyone else who wants to can read your blog! That is true transparency!

Lastly let me say, thank you for your comment. It did make me go back and evaluate what I said and how we made our decision. I don't know you, but God used you to fulfill Proverbs 27:17, "As iron sharpens iron, so does one man sharpen another." And for that I am grateful!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Chores and More!


I posted on my facebook page that my new system was really working! At 4:00, my kids had not watched TV at all and 3 of the 5 were sitting on the couch looking at "I Spy" books TOGETHER! It was Noah and Callie were 2 of the 3...they are the worst fighters, so this truly was amazing!

I had several ask on facebook what the new system was, so I decided I would blog it...easier to put pictures and description than on facebook.

I can't take credit for it, though. My friend Emmy was the one who came up with it and inspired me to do it...I just tweeked it a bit. Those of you who know me well know that systems and organization do not come naturally for me! I am a come say come saw kind of person. To have a set routine or system is not natural. So the fact that this is up and running a whole week before school starts is nothing short of a miracle! I am so pumped and so proud of myself! :) And anyone reading this should know that if I can do this, anyone can do this!

The basics are that the kids need to be spending more time moving and working on making things in their life better (ie: reading The Word, working on their basket ball shots, tossing the football, kicking the soccer ball, reading a book themselves, or reading to a younger brother or sister) rather than sitting and vegging in front of the tv. We all sat down and discussed things they could do besides watch TV. They get 30 minutes of free tv/technology time a day. If they want more, they have to earn more. These are the things we came up with for more tv or technology time. This is posted by their ticket holders.


(all chores must be checked and work approved by Mom or Dad before tickets will be issued, remember “whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.” Colossians 3:23)
 Read (minute for minute)
 Stay Outside past the required 30 minutes (minute for minute)
 Babysit, play with Baby Girl, Ava, etc (minute for minute)
 Put up Mom and Dad’s laundry (10 minutes per load)
 Pick up dog in backyard (1 hour)
 Clean mini-blinds (15 minutes)
 Clean baseboards (15 minutes per room)
 Sweep off front or back porch (15 minutes per porch)
 Read to a younger brother or sister (minute for minute)
 Clean out a closet (30 minutes)
 Exercise (minute for minute)
 Any activity pre-approved by Mom or Dad to earn time


I also have these ground rules up by the tickets:



TV and Technology rules
 You may only watch/play 30 minutes per day unless you have earned time tickets.
 All chores for that part of the day must be done before you can watch/play tv or any technology.
 You may only watch/play for a total of 2 hours a day unless a special movie or event is happening and Mom or Dad has approved the extra time.
 Tickets can be accumulated and used for longer movies or events.
 It is your responsibility to look at the guide or plan ahead and earn time needed to watch shows or movies that are longer than 30 minutes.
 Family movie time does not take away from you tv/technology time


When one of the kids earns tv/technology time, I give them a ticket (the ones you can get a big role of that people use for door prizes at carnivals, etc) with their name and how much time they earned on it. They then put it in their ticket holders which are the little colored boxes hanging on the wall in the laundry room. They are just index card holders that I got at Wal-Mart for $1 and put velcro on the back and on the wall. I put them in order from youngest to oldest so that everyone can get to their own box and put their tickets in it.

The files will be for their school work and notes. They will have to put anything I am supposed to sign in the folder, then I will sign it and put it back for them to get and put back in their backpack the next day. I hate kids following me around in the morning when I am trying to get kids out the door wanting me to sign their papers or notes. I tried to do this last year, but we didn't really have a good place to do this. I found this hanging file holder at Mardel's a local teacher supply store. It is great! And even has enough spaces for all our kids with room to grow...and John has his own file so I can put his mail there. Right now it goes in a holder by the door and it overflows often and looks tacky. So I am excited about his folder too! ;0)

Trying to apply Love and Logic also so that my responsibility in whether or not they get papers or notes signed is minimal and their responsibility is heightened. Plus as we grow as a family, the more necessary this becomes. But I believe this is a good thing! If I just had two kids, I would probably do it all for them....I would have totally immature, co-dependent children! That is probably one reason God has blessed me with 5 kids! He knows I can't do it all, so I actually teach them what I should be teaching them!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

The Journey: Peace After the Storm

Sorry to not have updated last night or earlier today. I just needed a break from the emotions and thoughts of the past couple of days. I was worn out! Totally exhausted! But as I write this, I am at total peace. God is so faithful!

We said no to the referral. I know many will be shocked by that, but after much prayer, much talking to many people and each other, we said no. I left the final decision to John, but I have total peace with what he decided and why he decided it. John even got an e-mail from a friend who knows us just about as well as anyone that very humbly said he thought he might have a Word for us. He even pulled over on the side of the road to type it out and send it to John.

Basically, John's feelings were confirmed by the e-mail. John felt that we needed to make the trip to the children's home so that he (and I, I'm sure) could be exposed to the horrific truth of an emergency shelter for children under 5. It made us realize even more the need and the direction God wants to take Addy's Hope. We will be working with some foster agencies and CPS to hopefully make a difference in fostering in our area. The Body of Christ just has to do more! We hope to be a part of the catalyst to do just that in the months to come.

We talked to Buckner several times yesterday and they talked to the case worker for Little Guy and sister. More than likely sister will go to a relative (that is not a relative for Little Guy). The "System" will almost always place with a family member over a foster home even when it means separating a sibling group. I don't believe that is best....unless the child already has a bond with that family member, but that's just one of many things I don't agree with the system! So ultimately, we were just looking at accepting a referral for Little Guy alone.

I really didn't feel like we should do that. One thing about processing a decision on a blog is that you have it all out there...makes it hard to rationalize away disobedience! I have looked back at some of the things God showed me and spoke concerning this situation to make sure I am not rationalizing anything away. In particular, the scripture in James that says if you know the good you ought to do but do not do it, you sin. I prayed much over that scripture after we decided to not take Little Guy. God brought peace for me over that! He assured me that we did the good we were supposed to do....we were open! We didn't let anything about the situation or circumstances scare us away. We walked in obedience every step...even to asking for a van to be donated. That was what He was asking of us. I don't pretend to understand the way God works, but this isn't the first time that God did heart surgery on me to make me open to a road I wouldn't have taken before the heart surgery only for God to stop me and place me back on the road I was on before the heart surgery! Clear as mud?! Basically, God worked in my heart to make me totally open to obedience....no stipulations, just ready and set to obey whatever the price, whatever the sacrifice, whatever the command! John and I also were strengthened through this, I believe. I had to trust his decision, and he had to trust I would be ok with his decision. I can truly say that I give thanks for the process God just brought us through even though we didn't end up with Little Guy and sister. But you can guarantee one thing, I will be praying for them both! I will pray that they are placed in loving homes that will teach them about Jesus!

What now? Well, we're not sure, but I still believe we will have another child, and we told Buckner that we are still open to another placement. I did ask that it be a full African American child. Toben has really expressed through this process his desire/need for a child that looks like him. Callie has Ava, Ava has Callie. Noah has Baby Girl, Baby Girl has Noah. And Toben, well, he is our only dark chocolate sweety! Some kids could be ok with that, I'm sure. But he has expressed several times that he wants a child that looks like him in the family. There is no guarantee that the next child will be in our home permanently, we are still fostering , but we always want to be ready to keep whomever comes into our home. We never want to have a child removed from our home because of our decisions! We want to make sure a placement in our home can stay until he/she has to leave for other reason.

I don't have a sense of a boy or girl, and we are good with either. So we only asked that it be full African American. We are only approved for up to age 3, but you all know if I have my preference, the next baby P-tree will be straight from the hospital! That will be my prayer, but as always, I will keep my heart open to whomever God has for us!

So we are still looking at what we can do for a car. Since we are doing Dave Ramsey, and since I am no longer on salary with Addy's Hope, there is no room for a car payment. But if we get even just one more child, we will not have room for the whole family. Since we feel pretty certain there will be at least one more child, we need to start thinking about that. But it is not the crisis it was Friday when we thought the placement of a couple of kids rested on us finding a 12 passenger van!

To all who have prayed and sent words of encouragement, THANK YOU! Thank you for walking this journey with us. I know your prayers are what made the decision so peaceful! So many were praying for wisdom and it seemed to come easier and quicker in this decision that just about any I can remember...well, other than the decision to marry John! :) But truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for praying, for e-mailing, for messaging, for commenting! It has meant the world to me through the past four days! Stay tuned....I will need your prayers again in this journey, I am sure!

And if you are in the West Texas area and you are thinking about being a foster family, can I encourage you to quit thinking and take the training?! Don't use praying about it as an excuse or delay! Take the training...that doesn't commit you to anything and will give you a better sense of what you will be getting into. Take the step of obedience, will you? I will walk with you if you have no one else to walk with you! It is my passion! It is my life call! Let's get these kids in homes!!

Walking this journey one step at a time!
HollyAnn

Friday, August 13, 2010

Totally Undone

We went. We saw. We left. I fell apart. I am still not back together.

No words will ever be able to describe what happened to me...and John on August 12, 2010. I thought after 9 years in the adoption ministry, being to two African countries, numerous orphanages that shock and whatever it was that happened yesterday wouldn't happen again. I was wrong!

*****WARNING: Totally transparent post to follow! You are reading the words of a broken heart, a mother bear, who is still processing what she saw and what she is supposed to do about it. These are not thoughts that have been processed or neatly wrapped in a pretty package. These are raw emotions/thoughts that I am sharing in true transparency so those walking this journey of adoption/fostering with me or thinking about it can know that if this happens to them, they are not alone! If you think you might be offended by reading raw thoughts on an American orphanage...please don't read or if you do, don't judge, please!******

I am NEVER early! Yesterday, I was 10 minutes early to the group home. The kids and I drove around a bit then we went to the main office to wait for John. He arrived and we walked to the home. There are several homes beside the group home forming a horseshoe. The first one was the one we were told to go to. The head caretaker met us at the door and welcomed us in. She was very nice. The home was clean and you can tell an attempt was made to make it homey...but a house is not a home as we all know. It still felt sterile. It was dark. There were itty children everywhere! The caretaker looked at me and said, "Which one is he?" My eyes scanned the moving sea of children. I started to point then turned to her and said, "I don't want to pick because if I pick the wrong one, I will be embarrassed!" She laughed and said, "You were pointing at him." This little guy toddling in front of me with a Spiderman shirt and braids was Little Guy! His eyes were stunning...leery, but stunning. I bent down to talk to him and he took off running for the nearest big person he knew as familiar! I backed off and just talked to him and started talking to the other children. My brain and heart were trying to take in all I was seeing. About that time, the oldest boy in the home...maybe 7 or 8 walks up to me and says, "Are these new kids here?" referring to my children. My mommy heart wanted to wrap my arms around all my kids and scream, NO! And just as quickly my heart broke for that little boy who didn't have a mommy to feel the same about him. That was the first crack of many in my heart that would come in a flood in the next hour.

I had told John when we were talking about visiting that I wondered if we were supposed to visit because Little Guy might not be who we were supposed to take, but some other person there might be. Frankly, (remember I warned you that this is a truly raw and transparent post!) my first impression of Little Guy was not one of love at first sight.

I am convinced that Toben needs someone who looks like him in our family. Little Guy is bi-racial and very light skin toned. So that immediately made me question. Then there were the braids. When you foster, you can't cut their hair unless birth parents give you permission. And I think a lot of times, birth parents won't allow it because it is one of the only things they can control in a situation like that. All I could think of was what my mom and dad would say when they saw him! They are already very concerned and not thrilled about the idea of us adding to our family, his image definitely would not help that at all. My heart was almost shut immediately. But then we stayed.

I went and sat down on the floor and the kids stated coming over to me. Eventually, he got close enough that I could talk to him. I looked down and had the not-so-bright idea to give him one of my bracelets...remember I said there were itties EVERYWHERE! And each one wanted one of my bracelets. God was gracious and the rest seemed to melt away and it was just me and him. I would put it on my arm then put it on his and his eyes would light up and he would laugh. I gave him another and he put on on each arm. We were almost friends after that. John on the other hand was still sitting on the other side of the room because if he got anywhere close, Little Guy became *very* anxious.

They lined the kids up to go outside. As they were lining up, this little girl who had immediately caught my (and Callie's) eye came and put her arm around my shoulders (I was still sitting on the floor). She was gorgeous! She was bi-racial, but darker than Little Guy. When we walked in to the room, she was getting her hair done by one of the workers. It was puffy and beautiful! Her eye lashes were long and her eyes were stunning...much like Little Guy's. In fact, as I looked at them there together, I had to ask! "Are they related?" I had been told that Little Guy had three older siblings, but they were being placed in other places. I had gotten the impression that they were much older, so it really hadn't occurred to me until that moment that this might be his sister. But she was in fact Little Guy's sister! My heart stopped! Then I remembered my conversation with Buckner. Little Guy's sister had a home she was going to, but it would not be ready until mid August. I breathed again...a little disappointed actually to recall that fact. So I said, "but she has a home that she is going to, right?" The answer, "She did, but it fell through." What? Took a moment for my brain to process what I was hearing.

Then all the little ones were going outside, so I got up and we went out with them. There was a small back yard with several ride-on toys and a little playhouse. Ava went right out there like she owned the place and started playing in the play house. I heard a scream from the corner and it was the sister...someone had taken the bike she wanted. She spent most of the time outside sitting right in that place with a frown on her face! The rest of the time she spent in Callie's arms.

We talked more to the workers and asked some questions about Little Guy and sister. How are they together? Are they having visits? How do they interact with the other kids? Are there any major concerns that they see? Nothing alarming came out. But as I looked at the sea of children and as child after child came up to me with smiles, my heart just kept breaking.

Honestly, I couldn't process what I was seeing. My head knew that these children *lived* here. This was not a daycare. No parents were coming to pick them up in a few hours to take them home for a nice hot meal and tuck them in tonight with prayers and kisses. In fact, I found out that no one lives at the house. They are all only caretakers. I thought this group home had house parents, but not even that. Don't get me wrong, the workers were very nice and seemed to genuinely care about the kids, but they are not a mom and dad.

The kids went back inside and were seated in the dining room at a large table for dinner. Workers started bringing out white paper plates with half a sandwich, chips and pretzels on each one. They said a prayer and the children started eating. We took that as our cue to leave. I said bye to all the kids and went over to Little Guy and kissed his cheek. Not knowing if I was kissing my soon to be son bye or kissing a little boy I would never see again. My head was reeling from all I had just witnessed.

We walked out the door. We were only a few steps from the door when Ava says, "Can we keep the baby boy?" I kind of laughed and said, "He's not a puppy." To which she replied, "So can we take him home?" I was already fighting back tears and tried to squeak out, "We will have to see." We started the walk to our cars and about half way there, I lost it. Sobs...not just tears, but sobs from the core of my being! I was trying to hold it together in front of my kids, but the reality of what I just left hit me like a brick wall.

I.
Will.
Never.
Be.
The.
Same.

I had just seen my first American orphanage. They call it a group home. I don't care what words you call it, It. Is. An. Orphanage!

It's not like I haven't stayed in an orphanage before, much less visited numerous ones. I am still puzzled by my (and John's) reaction to the place. And don't get me wrong, the organization running the home is doing a great job at what it is. The home was clean, it was decorated to some extent, the children were all clean and well-dressed. The workers were nice and seemed to truly care for the children. But, it was not a home! There were no parents to kiss away hurts or say bed-time prayers or love these children with the love of a mommy and/or daddy!

We call ourselves a civilized society. Places like Liberia, well, we expect to see orphanages for children in need. Not. In. America! And specifically, Not. In. My. Backyard!

In about 15 minutes I went from devastated, to overwhelmed, to angry, to heartbroken, and then numb. Talk about sticking your head in the sand....I wanted to do just that! I wanted to take my family to eat, then go home and erase all I had seen. I wanted to pretend like I never heard of Little Guy or his sister and just go on with life with my five children in my happy, comfortable home and car.

But before the numbness hit, I made a phone call to Buckner to ask about the sister and tell them we were going to need some time to process before we could give an answer! I asked about becoming a group home so that we could take more than 6 kids (sister would put us up to seven). I didn't really have a clue what I was saying, all I knew was that if she didn't have a home, we were not taking him and leaving her behind! I could take her and leave him behind easier than I could leave her, but that really isn't going to happen either, I don't think. (remember....raw, transparency here!)

It wasn't until we stopped to eat and John and I were talking that he reminded me that neither of our cars will hold 7 kids and me! I couldn't even take the kids to school...forget going anywhere as a family in one car! My heart sank. That reality hit me like a ton of bricks.

Pretty well all night last night, I couldn't really think about what we needed to do. I couldn't really wrap my head around it. I tried to keep pushing it to the back...and had just about succeeded in forgetting for a moment as we had taken the kids to family night at the museum...there were all kinds of lizards, snakes, iguanas, fish, etc. It was a ton of fun! Ava even pet a hissing cockroach....grossed me out! In all that excitement two little people with frizzy hair were just about out of my mind when I turned a corner and there he was...Little Guy and his friends from the home were right in front of me! I went over and took him from his worker...he protested until he saw John then he clung to me for life. Not sure how that is really going to work if he comes to live with us....but with time, it will be ok. And the fact of the matter is as John and I talked this morning, he will be that way with anyone that he goes to live with! So someone has to say YES to this little man!

Even as we came home and I knew I had to start thinking about what we were going to decide for a placement, I couldn't find any peace or even any clarity of thought to even process it all. I finally just had to tell God that He was going to have to give me some rest and then provide clear answers in the morning.

As I woke this morning with a little on in bed with me (Ava snuck in some time during the night!), James 4:17 was running through my head: "Anyone who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." Well, that is pretty plain, isn't it. The problem at this moment is that I don't know the good I ought to do. I am still waiting for some answers.

But we are ready! We are ready to take them both. We just need a car. We don't have money for a car. But as our pastor preached last Sunday, God can super naturally rescue these two little kids. He can provide a car for us that will hold our family. I have already posted on my facebook that I will be calling dealerships today to find out if any are interested in donating a 12 passenger van. Ironically, well, I take that back, God isn't into irony, only divine planning! James 4, earlier in the chapter, holds another verse that God brought to mind this morning. Verse 2 says, "You do not have because you do not ask God."

So I am asking. I am asking God to provide a car so we can call Buckner and say, "get us approved as a group home!" We are taking them both! I am asking God and then I am going to make some calls to dealerships in faith asking them if they would donate a car or a portion of the price for a 12 passenger van. I am going to ask believing that God is a God of miracles and He cares enough about these two precious children to provide a miracle, a super natural rescue, for two little children who have stolen my heart and marked my life forever.

And those bracelets I talked about earlier? They were still on Little Guy's arms when I left...he kept my bracelets and a piece of my heart that I know will never be the same as long as I walk this earth!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Surviving the War Zones of Life

"Surviving the War Zones of Life" is the name of the chapter I am reading in "When Life and Beliefs Collide". I highly recommend this book for anyone who is struggling with how you continue to walk in faith when faith seems to have disappointed or you wonder where God is in so many areas of your life!
I have found that even though I am transparent, I am a stuffer! If there is an issue I really don't understand or don't want the pain of really dealing and healing, then I stuff it! I just push it down in my mind and heart until it is covered by something else and forget it is there....until God brings it to the top because He knows is will stay down there and fester and ooze and cause problems for me as I walk this journey called life with Him!
This morning was one of those times he brought a hurt to the surface.
The past year has been horrendous in the agency. Yes, the government of Liberia and the US government have lied, played the political games, cause the death of one of the children we loved and several that we know of, but that is not even the biggest wound. The biggest wound(s) have come at the hands of the Christians I have served. They have come at the hands of people who think they understand all the dynamics to running an orphanage half way around the world, but really have no clue of all that it entails. They have come at the hands of Christians who think getting a child home is more important than standing on ethics and morals during the process.
I have been slandered and accused of just about everything in the book. I will be the first to say that I haven't done everything perfect! There are times maybe I should have listened to some of the gossip from adoptive parents, but if they only know how much "he said" or "she said" I hear and that most of the time it is totally false!
I have been amazed at "Christians". I have told John so many times over the past two years - put me on an island with lost people and let me love them, PLEASE! I am so tired of Christians destroying each other and me! At least lost people have a reason to act that way...they don't know any better! We are supposed to! The word says the world will know us by our love for each other...well, no wonder we are not impacting the world anymore than we are! We would rather kill each other than find a way to work together!
All this has made me question where God was in the work that He called me to! I know he is sovereign, so I know that none of this has happened without first going through His hands. Just as He granted Satan permission to sift Job, He has allowed these things to happen. At anytime, He could have stopped them. So why didn't He? That is my overall question! He knows the pain they caused. He knows the physical effects this stress and hurt has had on my body and my mind. Yet He allowed it.....so that would always bring me back to a question that I am still wrestling with in my heart...How can a good God do that?
So I LOVED this chapter. She talked about Job and she also talked about Joseph. Joseph ended up in a prison because of his brothers. God allowed that. God, who had already told Joseph He would do great things, allowed him to be put in a pit, shackled with chains, rejected by brothers, isolated and lost from the father he adored...and yet God is good. Really? That just doesn't compute in my heart....my brain can read The Word and see that it says it, but with what I have gone through at the hands of others, my heart just isn't there yet...I am getting closer every day - I'm in a good place right now and enjoying it - but I know God is bringing up the heart and pain so I can deal with it through His Word and understand a little more about Who He Is!
Carolyn Custis James says it this way: "The war zones of life force us to take our theology seriously, to see if our beliefs about God hold up when the tragedies and perplexities of life press down upon them...Our hope in God is no better than a placebo if his plan doesn't encompass all of life - the dark side as well as the bright." If you go back and read my posts from these dark times, you will clearly see that my beliefs about God were not holding up at all under the tragedies and perplexities of life! I was flailing like a fish out of water!
James goes onto discuss the two parts of God's plan - the "revealed will" which are his statutes and commands. They are written and not a mystery. Then there is the "hidden will" which is the part that we don't know and may never know. James says, "It is important for us to see how the Bible distinguishes between these two aspects of God's will because this distinction enables us to maintain, on the one hand, that God's will (revealed) is always for us to live holy lives of obedience to his Word and, on the other hand, that God's plan (hidden will) is to accomplish his good purposes for us through everything that happens, even through the evil that takes place in his world. In a fallen world populated by sinners and relentlessly assaulted by the powers of evil, the sphere of God's reign would be minuscule indeed if it extended only to areas where his moral will was being obeyed." I have understood that, but there was a time when the pain was so much from fellow brothers and sisters in Christ that I didn't want anymore of God's "good purposes"! I truly believed for a time that my plot in life was to sell myself out to Christ and live a life of sacrifice and hurt so that others could see the good of God while I was left behind in the aftermath. I wrestled for months if not a year with that concept. The enemy was trying with all his might to make me believe that was God's plan for my life. But that is not Truth! Praise God He kept speaking to me until I understood that even in the bad times, God was working for my good. Even if I don't see it, I am beginning to be able to believe it.
Which leads me to the next part of what the author said that I think strikes a chord with many of us! "Living with mystery is uncomfortable for us." Well, that is an understatement! I have always said that I can deal with whatever the outcome is in most instances, but it is the "not knowing" that kills me! It is the wait time before the answer comes that can make me insane. So the next statement is profound if I want to live a life of faith! "But faith inevitably takes us into mystery, where we don't - and won't- have all of the answers and where, from time to time, we have to affirm truths that to our finite minds seem to conflict. The paradox we are wrestling with now is that God's good purposes, his hidden will, are preserved and advanced even when the devil takes a hand in our lives, when we fall int the hands of other people, or when we, with our own two hands, pull our lives crashing down around our ears."
So I must wrestle with this: even in the hurtful words and actions of adoptive parents who went so far as to meddle with my staff in Liberia causing great strife and dissension there and limitless issues that I am still dealing with, the words that have not only been spoken in phone calls to each other that make it back to me, but that have been put on the web for all the world to read and see, God's good purposes are preserved and advanced!
That may seem like an easy statement for you. For me, as I wrestle and seek what God wants next for Addy's Hope during this time, it is excruciating! To continue any adoption program means opening myself up to this all over again! It means understanding that I can go into any adoption program with my heart - a heart for all involved in adoption: the children, the adoptive parents and the birth family - and still people will accuse me of being heartless, a liar, a cheat, ruthless and even unethical. Well, frankly, I would rather cut off my right arm! And that my friends is why God is bringing this to the top!
But let me share a positive note in this! God, the gracious God that I serve and Who is teaching me more and more about His character at this point in my life is allowing me to walk a safer path. Since turning over the orphanage to Lifesong in Liberia, and thus making Addys' Hope's future in adoptions an unknown, I have spoken to more people about adoption than I had in over a year with the agency! But here's the deal - these people are friends! They are people from our new church home who God has burned a passion for adoption and fostering. They are safe! He has allowed me a safe place to put my feet back in the water that scalded me. He is allowing me to work with people who know me. They know my heart! They know passion! So even if circumstance don't turn out like any of us planned as they most certainly did not in Liberia, they will not blame me or question my integrity or call me names. Words may not break my bones, but they definitely hurt me and break my heart and spirit! God has placed me in a safe place for now to walk in my calling! That is a good God!
Will I always be in this "safe" place? No. God will eventually take off my training wheels again and call me back into the adoption world with adoption programs that will probably cause people to question me again. And the thing I pray I have learned by then is that in those times when people try to pull me down, I can press harder into God. I will have learned a little more about his character so that I can stand stronger and not spiral into depression or despair. I will understand a little more after this season of life that God is good. That head knowledge will have moved to my heart and allow me to trust Him more than I did in the last season! And that is worth the heart ache! At least I can say that today...on a good day! And my prayer is that I will be at a point in my life where I say that EVERY day!
Pick up When Life and Beliefs Collide if you have been struggling with God's goodness in your life! I think you will find some healing in the words of a great woman theologian!
Walking this walk one step at a time,
HollyAnn

The Journey: Today is the Day!

Today is the day! We go this afternoon to visit Little Guy! I have butterflies! I don't remember the last time I had butterflies...probably at the court hearing where the judge ordered Baby Girl to be placed with us! John is still waiting to see at the visit before he totally knows what we are to do. I am still keeping my head on straight that he may not end up with us because so many things have to happen between now and then...at least I think they do. I have sent an e-mail asking what happens next if we say "yes"?!

I was laying in bed last night unable to sleep, and I started thinking about the past few days. I was just overcome with love for my Lord! In four short days, He has totally transformed a portion of my heart. You know how we always throw around Psalm 37:4 that says God will give us the desire of our heart? Well, this week showed the first part to be key and vital to the last part. The entire verse says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." You see, I have spent this week pouring over God's word, on my knees with my face to the ground pushing hard into God asking for His direction. I have seen Him answer me in so many ways! He has answered me throughout the day as I am doing a task that will be harder with Little Guy here...but even as I start to get anxious about it, God will overcome me with peace and a quiet whisper that says, "Together, we can do this!" He has given me words from The Word that pierced straight through me even to dividing bone and marrow as I read them. Really, there is no doubt that God has spoken! He has give me absolute confidence and spoken as many times as I needed Him to in order to confirm that this is the path we are to walk.

But even all that is not the most exciting part to me. The most exciting part is that what I spoke of yesterday as "undesirable" has now become the desire of my heart! I have delighted myself in my Lord and in return He has made His desire My desire! Only a loving God can do that! Only a loving God can take what was initially an overwhelming fear and turn it into a dream come true! I am already in love to some extent with a little two year old boy! I have no idea what he looks like...don't even know what color his skin is, but I see a little fuzzy head walking around in my mind, and my heart skips a beat! Only God can do that my friends! Only God!!!

Please pray for us! Pray that John and I are in agreement. Pray that Little Guy bonds if this is where he will be. Pray that my children have hearts open for him...they are all WAY excited for the meeting this afternoon...well, everyone but Ava and she doesn't know yet because she is with her Grommy and Grandpa! Pray that the transition will begin soon and go smooth. Pray that family understands as they receive the news that they will have yet another grandchild/nephew. Pray that God provides for the necessities - like a bed! :) I am looking for miracles today! I am expecting great things! What a day this will be!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The Journey: CHILDREN ~ God VS the World

John and I had a real heart to heart last night about adding child number 6. I can easily say there are many fears for both of us! But even as I would say the word "fear" or "scared" last night during our conversation, I would feel a rebuke from the Holy Spirit. I have been putting together daily prayer scriptures for my home and family as I am coming to understand more and more the need to cover my home and family in prayer every morning. There is a war every day for my family. If I don't start the day on my knees with sword in hand, my family may not survive. The enemy is out to steal kill and destroy! Over my dead body, literally, will he have my family! Sorry, chased a rabbit trail there!

When I was going through scriptures this morning to put on my daily prayer list, God used a couple to REALLY speak to me about adding another child. And I really think He was speaking to me not about just a general child number 6, but Little Guy in particular. I was ok with a newborn because they stay in one place, don't throw fits, and for the most part, while time consuming, are emotionally easy to care for. A two year old, well that is a whole other story....my own two year olds drive me nuts, but to bring one in that I don't know anything about...what comforts him when he's sad, what makes him mad, what sets off his buttons, what does he like to eat? Well, that scares me!

As John and I talked last night, I felt like God kept bringing us back to the point of "are you going to choose me or the world?" In fact, when I woke up yesterday morning, Joshua 24 was in my mind. The only part that kept playing was, "choose you this day whom you will serve." So I looked up the rest of it. When I looked it up, this was what I found:But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve. OUCH! You see, bringing a two year old little boy into my home, well that seems undesirable to me. Bringing a 6th child in at all seems undesirable to John. You see this is what a 6th child means for us: we will have to take two cars everywhere we go until God provides for a new car or a bench seat for our suburban (and with the budget we have right now, that ain't happenin' short of a miracle!), that means no family vacations unless we can rent a van or bigger car or have lots of gas money, we will go nowhere together as a family in one car, more laundry to add to the piles that already stack up before I get to them, one more person demanding my time as I try to juggle the schedules and needs of all the others, potential for less sleep if he is not a good sleeper, more stress on a marriage that has cracks in it already, more strain on an already stretched budget (which will mean denying ourselves even more of the things the world says is important!). By the time John and I got done talking last night about the reality of another child (John often thinks I have my head stuck in the sand about adding a child, so he wanted to make sure I was in reality!), I was ready to call Buckner and tell them we didn't need to visit Little Guy...we were quite sure this was not for us...and maybe you can just take us off the call list for another one all together! I hadn't had my head in the sand, I had thought of all these things, but in my mind, when they come up, I just tell God, "Your problem! If you are calling me to 6, then you have to give me the strength, patience, money, etc, etc to parent 6!" But when you speak those things out loud and your partner starts expressing the same fears, it gets more real, and frankly, scary!

But as I was reading the Word this morning, I was reminded of God's view of children. Here it is:
Psalm 127:3-5 (The Message)


3-5 Don't you see that children are God's best gift?
the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
Like a warrior's fistful of arrows
are the children of a vigorous youth.
Oh, how blessed are you parents,
with your quivers full of children!
Your enemies don't stand a chance against you;
you'll sweep them right off your doorstep.


Children are God's best gift! They are not burdens, stressors or zappers of cash! They are gifts! Oh how easily we pick up on the world's views even in Godly callings! Not only are they gifts, but they are like a warrior's fistful of arrows! They even make your enemies vulnerable to you. How cool is that?! Now I have a confession. I don't usually see my children as gifts like that. I certainly don't see them as a way that my enemies are defeated and "swept right off my doorstep". In fact, as we enter tween years, I often feel like my children are the enemy and need to be swept off the doorstep! Seriously, though, I don't see my children, or the children God is calling me to as the gifts they are. I had to stop and confess that and confess that last night as I contemplated walking in obedience with Little Guy, that I was using the world's view of children and all that we would have to sacrifice to bring him into our family as a way to rationalize walking in disobedience. God was surely not calling us into something that would do all John and I talked about he might do to our family and our home! Well, that is worldly thinking and doesn't have any place in Kingdom living!

As I continued with the scriptures, that rebuke over being scared and fearful hit me between the eyes!

Isaiah 12:2 ~ Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and song, and He has become my salvation (emphasis added).

That was it! Every time I said I was scared or fearful it was because I was looking at things by site and NOT by faith! My job is to walk in obedience! If God is saying take in Little Guy, then my only response needs to be "yes!" No, I don't put my head in the sand. Yes, I make plans for an added child. But just because I don't have answer to all the "what ifs" doesn't' mean I say no! That would be walking in fear! I. Must. Trust. God.

Little later in the morning, this quote came through on Facebook through Proverbs 31 ministries:
Faith isn't the ability to believe long and far into the misty future. It's simply taking God at His Word and taking the next step. ~Joni Erickson Tada WOW! Did that speak to me! And who better to know about that than a woman sentenced to a wheelchair since a diving accident in her teens! Faith isn't the ability for me to see how this will work! It isn't the ability to answer everyone's questions of why we will do this. Faith isn't being able to go everywhere in one car! Faith is simply hearing God say, "you will get a call for a placement today" and continuing to believe that after the call is for a child that I wouldn't have "picked" for my placement...it's undesirable as Isaiah says. Don't get me wrong...I haven't met Little Guy or even seen him, although we do have a name now! I'm not saying "he" is undesirable! I am saying this situation, and the timing of it, is not what I would have picked. But that doesn't change the things leading up to the call that God had already spoken to me about the call! Yet because it doesn't fit into my view of what God would do...which really means it doesn't' fit the world's view of what my life should look like, I'm ready to dismiss what I know in my heart is God's instruction!

How will this all end up? I don't know! When dealing with foster children there are many things that factor in! We can't even go see him until his CPS worker gives permission to his current care taker for us to go see him. All the powers that be have to agree that this is a good placement for him. So we could very possibly say yes only to be told no. But even that is not mine to be concerned about! My job is simply this. I must decide did God call me to this or not? Has he told me to take Little Guy as my son - for today, for a week, for a year or for a lifetime- however long I have him? If he did, then my job is to say "Yes, Lord!" For if I say no, I can't say Lord!

And that boils down to this: will I see this little boy as the world does ~probably with issues that will make life hard for me and my children for a time, something to be pitied because of his start but not loved to a winning finish, a burden, a stressor~ or as God does,

His.
Best.
Gift.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The Journey: Waiting for the visit

So I know our agency has called the group home and left a message....but that is all I know for now. The visit will probably not be today..maybe tomorrow...maybe not...can I tell you?

I. Stink. At. Waiting!

The Journey: Going for a visit

John talked with Buckner yesterday and got a little more info on the little boy. It always seems like you are working a puzzle without the picture to go by when you are getting a placement like this. You are trying to put the bits and pieces of info together that you get, but not even sure what direction you are going with the pieces!

Our biggest concern is making sure this is a placement that will last however long it needs to. If this little guy needs a home for the next week, year or a lifetime, we want to make sure we can provide that before we say yes. Buckner and John thought it would be a good idea for us to go for a visit with him. That makes me a little....ok, a lot!....nervous! When I see a child, well, my heart kind of falls in love really easy! But John thinks it would be a good idea and we will know more. My head agrees, my heart is scared.

We did find out that he is bi-racial and not full African American. That concerns me as six is the limit...unless we go to a group home license which is a whole other topic for another time. I have always felt that Toben needs someone that looks like him in the family. I feel strongly about this. Not saying every family has to have that, but for Toben I think it is necessary. In fact, when I told the boys about this little guy, the first question Toben asked was, "Does he look like me?" When I said he probably looks more like Noah, Toben got sad.

Then one of those moments that makes me love having a large family occurred! I asked Toben why he didn't want him to live with us, and he said because we would just keep getting more and more babies. Noah then turns to him and says, "But if we get more like that family that has all the kids...Mom who are they?" Me: "The Duggars?" Noah: "Yeah, the Duggars, then maybe we can get our own tv show!" Well, yes, that's a reason to have more children! There you have it! The real reason we do this! We are after our own reality show! NOT! It is so NOT worth it for that! :)

Anyway, we are waiting to hear when we might get to go visit the little guy. Not sure what we are looking for in the visit, other than peace that passes all understanding one way or another. One of my fears and reason for turning the placement down the first time if my fear of me attaching. So it would be nice to talk to his current care givers to see if attachment issues seem to be present. I have my own, don't know if I could handle his and mine. Realizing I have never blogged about that. Need to do that! I didn't bond immediately with either of the boys...Toben took longer than Noah....but I know that is because he was older...I had missed out on more. I mourned those early years that I missed being his mommy!

Visiting also seems like "shopping" for children. I can't tell you how much I disdain that thought! He will only think we are coming for a play date. If we come to mind, pray for us! The future of a little guy, as well as our current children, is riding on this decision. That is a lot of weight to bear! We know God holds the answer, and we are seeking Him with all we have right now to know His plan for this little man!

To be continued.....

Monday, August 9, 2010

The Journey: Second Call


I have had a "feeling" for the past 5 or 6 days that we were going to get a call for a referral. That "feeling" was really strong earlier this afternoon when I was leaving Sams. If I had my cell phone (it had a tragic accident on our camping trip), I would have called John and told him. But I couldn't, so I figured I would e-mail him when I got home. Should have done that before I checked my missed calls. I had a missed call from Buckner. I returned the call. Sure enough, it was for a placement....but not just any placement, it was for the same little guy that we turned down a couple weeks ago! I blogged about that here. I told our worker with Buckner that we had already turned down that referral once. He was quite puzzled because this had just come in today. He was on vacation when we got the first call. Evidently they haven't found a placement for him, so they are going through the agencies again. He is in a group home right now.


Turning down the same child twice?! Really, God?! Are we supposed to say, "No" this time? Were my "feelings" so that I would take this little guy even though he might not be what my heart would desire...I always will choose the younger, the better! I have left it up to John. He is the head of our house and he will make the decision. It is times like this that I so appreciate being the one who wears the dress in the family! I can defer to John and be totally satisfied with his decision.


What has started this whole second placement thing is that God gave me a vision. I know that sounds weird...it probably is, but God did it in the Bible and I believe we serve the same God today as they did in the Bible...but that is a theology discussion for another time! In the vision, Baby Girl was sitting on the floor with another child...I assumed it was a boy, but not totally sure. I could only see the back of the child's head. The baby was around the same age as Baby Girl....give or take 6 months. The head had a full head of hair....an afro! Now I can't help but wonder, was it this little boys' head I saw? Is the little guy older than Baby Girl instead of younger. If so, then I have to let go of my dreams of a newborn, because this is the last foster baby they will place with us...six is the limit! But isn't that what this life is about....dieing to my dreams to replace them with God's! As much as I want a newborn, I know that I want what God wants worse! Whoever He has for us, that is who I want.


I imagine John will say no. We have already had this conversation about this little guy, but if he doesn't, then I will know it is a God thing. I will keep you posted! Never a dull moment at the Petrees! Got to love life when you live it full force, all out, on fire for God!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The Journey: Court Update

We went to court this morning. The good news is that the court approved the change of plan to termination. The sad news is that we are now seen as the enemy by Baby Girl's Mom. She definitely has had a change of heart about willingly signing termination papers...in fact it has changed to: I will not lose another of my kids and I will fight to the end.


I wish she really meant that. I wish she meant she would fight to the end meaning she would get a job, get a house, do her services....change her life so that she could provide the home Baby Girl needs. But unfortunately what we saw today was "fight" means blame everyone else for why she hasn't done things up to this point and then tell us she is going to do it all now. I hope she does.


Do I want to love Baby Girl? No! But at the same time, I have always said that until the judge says she is mine, she is not mine. Do I love her like she is mine? YES! Would I be devastated to lose her? YES! But ultimately, she is not mine to loose...at least legally.


It was a hard morning just because we have tried so hard to be the neutral party just coming in to help out. But I knew at some point, that would change, and it seems that today is that day. Her mom left without even saying good bye to us or her mom. I wish she knew how much we all care about her and truly want her to turn her life around and would help in any way we could if she would just make that first bit of effort. Baby Girl's mom's mom is a hero in my books! She truly loves her daughter! I have only been at this for five months, she has been at this for years! She has taught me a lot about a mother...and a grandmother's love!

Trust seems to be a word that comes up a lot in my time with God lately. And this situation is no different! Where do we go from here? We trust! We trust that God's plan is best...not my plan that I want God to follow, but truly trust God's plan. I selfishly ask for that plan to include Baby Girl remaining with us, but ultimately, God calls me to trust HIM...not an outcome!

We trust and we wait! We have a review court date in November and another permanency court date in February. Nothing definite will be done until February. So for now, I will love this Baby Girl and thank God for every day that I get to kiss her chubby cheeks!

Oh...did I tell you her new word? "Momma"! None of my other kids said "momma" before "daddy"! So I have to brag just a bit! We are now up to two words...."bye-bye" and "momma"! I think she is a genius! :)

Monday, August 2, 2010

The Journey: Court date moved

We found out today that our August 26 court date has been moved. We go to court tomorrow! Let me tell you the miraculous part of that...we found out through a blip in a conversation or we might have missed it all together which would not have looked good to the judge! God is looking out for us.

Please pray for the judge as she makes her decisions for the future of Baby Girl. We are not holding our breath that Baby Girl's mom will sign termination papers, but we have total peace with that. We know God has this all under control. I can't say I am ok with Baby Girl going to live somewhere else, but I don't see that happening in the cards with this particular situation. But I also know enough about these types of situations that until the adoption papers are signed, nothing is final!

At this time, I would say my biggest fear is a family member of the dad coming out of the woodworks to want Baby Girl. I don't think the workers in this case would go for that, but the judge has the final decision.

Please pray also for Baby Girl's mom and grandmother. I fully believe Baby Girl's mom loves her the only way she knows how. That doesn't mean she can care for her in a way that is best for Baby Girl, but it does mean this is a very hard process.

We have an amazing relationship with Baby Girl's grandmother and are so thankful for that. It will provide a link for Baby Girl to her biological family that my sons don't have. We even had a chance to meet Baby Girl's aunt a couple of weeks ago. It's fun to hear family stories about her family.
Court is at 10....will update when I can!