The Next Faith Journey: Obedience, Submission, and a Ram

Walking with God is never boring! That is a fact! We have taken a few twists and turns on our newest faith journey! A couple weeks ago I spent the day on Country Club Road with a contractor going over all that needed to be done. The first contractor we had met with was pretty overwhelmed with the job, so we wanted to get a second opinion. I also met with an AC company to try to figure out the 6 condensers! What a mess!

We were moving forward. We received  seller's disclosure which was pretty discouraging because they were obviously not taking it seriously. That was obvious on the question that asked if they knew of any issues with the pool drainage to which they checked no. The pool drain was completely cemented in to make a fish pond! Where I come from, that is a problem for drainage! They also talked throughout the disclosure about how the property was "priced for repairs". Remember we knew we would probably need to get it for a third of the price they were asking! But God had not released us, so we moved forward in faith as there were no definite red lights....maybe a caution light or two, but still not red!

Then God did a really cool thing!

John and I desire to have a Godly marriage! For those who haven't figured it out, I am a pretty strong personality! ;) So sometimes the Biblical roles in our home take very deliberate and methodical steps to ensure execution! And sometimes they just get completely flipped upside down before we even realize it! We have been doing the very deliberate and methodical steps in this journey! At some point that week nearly in passing when we were talking about all that had to be done on the Country Club house, John says, "I think this may be an Abraham and Isaac situation where God is asking us to walk in faith and continue on a journey to learn to trust, but he will provide a different way that is not nearly as hard or stressful as remodeling that house." I can't say that I immediately thought that there was any merit to that. However as I reflected on it over the next few days, I could see where God could have used the Country Club house to spiritually wake me up and get me in a place where I was meeting with Him again. But I still felt very much like the Country Club house was what we needed to pursue! I shared all of that with John, and we kept moving forward.

Fast forward a few days and John gets a text from a friend who lives in the community we are wanting to move to. He knows of someone who is selling their family estate. No one really seems to know how many bedrooms or bathrooms for sure. But the land and square footage sounds like what we are looking for. John thinks we should go look at it. So I am left struggling with what I know God has told me, and what my husband is asking me to do...along with the conversations we have had about Country Club possibly being a test of faith by God who all along had something much better for us. I was pretty discouraged and again questioning our sanity for even thinking about moving. I have learned in this journey that having 8 kids makes it really hard to feel as if you are always doing what is best for all of the kids! That has been a struggle for me in this process! I was struggling with not wavering in faith of what I felt God had told me, being open to what my husband was thinking, and wondering if it was all just a crazy idea from the beginning! I finally told John if he could find time in our crazy schedule to go look at it when they could meet us, I would go.

Front of the House

As we drove up, I was taken back by the yards of the house! The lot was even more stunning than Country Club Road. But the verdict on the house was still out...it was covered in ivy..like growing over the windows in ivy! Toben was with us, and he said as we drove up, "I don't want to live in this house, I am pretty sure it's haunted!" (Disclaimer: we do not teach our kids about haunted houses! Nor do we believe in ghosts! :) ) But John and I get out and meet the sweet lady who had come to show us her family's

Back of House 

Back Yard

estate. We would learn that she was one of 5 children. Her brother had built the house in the '80's for their parents. They had all raised their grandchildren there. They had lost their mother in February and none of them needed this much space. They didn't have the funds to keep it in the family. She just kept saying, "This place is magical!" As we walked through the house, I would come to agree with her! You walk from the main front door into a grand entry, into a dining room with a really long table (long enough to seat our whole family!!!!!) and on the other side of the dining room was a double door that she had thrown open to what looked like heaven on earth! There was a HUGE back porch with a deck stepping down off of that, then a lawn stepping down off the deck. Then you walk down a few more steps to get to the HUGE green back yard! We were still unclear about how many bedrooms and bathrooms the house had. As we walked through we kept count. There were a few things about the house layout that I was not sure about, (like no more game room). But as we kept walking, I fell more and more in love with the place! Final bedroom count was 7 - just what we needed! And the rooms are huge, so really no game room was a non-issue because the rooms are plenty big for toys and play! The property has a stocked pond that Toben immediately fell in love with! And she told us if we put corn out at night, our yard would be full of deer the next morning.  There was something familiar about the place that I couldn't put my finger on....something that made me know I had dreamed of a place like this but never really imagined I would ever live in one!  It was when John said, "It reminds me of a Fredericksburg home" that I finally knew what it was! I had grown up going to Fredericksburg and loving the feel of those homes and the town! I had dreamed of one day living somewhere that looked like that with Austin stone and green grass and flowers galore. And he was right...it looked just like a Fredericksburg bed and breakfast!

Even with all of that, I was unsure. What about the directions God had given me about Country Club. What about the parts of this house that made me a little unsure like the master bedroom being upstairs and both living areas being downstairs with one being fairly small compared to what we have now. Just little things that drive you crazy when trying to make a big decision like this!

As God would have it, I was headed to a women's conference that next day after looking at the house. As I drove to get my friend from the airport that evening after we looked at the house, John sent me a text that said, "I think this is our house. I think it is our Ram." You see, God had planted in John the seed that He would provide a less stressful, less intense route than Country Club because He knew we had trusted and walked in total faith in the direction He had called. But just like he did with Abraham as he was about to sacrifice Isaac, God had provided a ram for the sacrifice and spared Isaac's life and Abraham's father's heart in having to sacrifice a son.....something God would not spare himself for us, by the way! And John believed this was our Ram provided by God! It still needed some renovation, but not nearly to the extent of the other house.

So that provided me with an opportunity and the need for some serious prayer! As I sought God's will and direction, I could not get a clear answer. What I did get was released from the Country Club house in a sense. It is a little hard to explain, but how I put it to John was that I did not have the clear cut, without a doubt, answer to buy the new house that I had with the Country Club house. However, at that point, I did feel like I could walk away from the Country Club house without being in disobedience or giving up on God or faith. But I also explained for me to do that I would need him (John) to tell me he had that extreme confident, without a doubt, direction from God that this house is our house.

And just like that God provided an amazing opportunity for John and my marriage! He had given us an opportunity for marriage to work the way He intended it! He had provided an opportunity for John to lead, for me to submit. For John to love me, and for me to respect him! It was a beautiful thing!

And He didn't stop there! A few days after we decided to pursue the Austin Stone house, John got a call form the contractor who was working up a bid on the Country Club house. He asked John if we had a budget (enter hysterical laughter at the thought of us NOT having a budget!). Of course John said that we did, to which the contractor replied that they were not yet finished with all the repairs needed and were at $350,000! And just like that God provided confirmation that we had made the right decision to lay that down and pursue the other house! That was over $100,000 more than what we knew was the max we could spend to remodel!

God has once again shown me through this faith journey that He is all about the journey! He is not nearly as concerned with the outcomes of these journeys as we are....but what He is concerned with is the way these journeys change and mature and grow us into His likeness! It has been refreshing in this journey to stop and smell the roses so to speak! I can say that this is the first time I have embraced that Truth and committed to focusing on the journey and not on the outcome! It has truly been a refreshing journey that has brought me back to a place of trust and faith. It has made me fall even more madly in love with my Savior and taught me so much about Him and how He loves me!

Don't get me wrong...I am excited to see where this journey ends as well, but until we arrive at the end, I am devoted to taking each step focused on Him and learning to walk in total reliance, faith and trust of my Heavenly Father who is a good daddy! I am determined to enjoy the journey!  I hope this encourages you in any faith or trust journey you are on right now! Commit today to simply hearing His voice and doing what He says for today! Tomorrow has enough troubles of it's own! ;)

My Gethsemane

I want to start with a disclaimer to this post....I am well aware that what I am suffering right now does not even compare to the cross.  John and I have a saying when things get tough and one of us wants to throw in the towel in a particular situation.  We always encourage each other by saying, "We have not suffered to the point of sweating blood yet, so we can press on and do this."  I have not suffered to the point of sweating blood on this journey I am sharing with you now, but I think God put the struggle of Jesus in scripture for us so we can know that even Jesus did not go to the cross without at least a slight pause and a request to opt out of the task.  It gives us freedom to without guilt or shame do the same.  We just must be careful that when we walk out of our Gethsemane we are at the same place Jesus was - totally and completely yielded to the will of God whatever that means!

Paizley is set to deliver in a couple of days.  The reality that the last few months will end with a innocent life being born into this world has pressed in heavy on me the past few days.  I knew I had to deal with all that was going on in my heart.  I knew I had to get with God and allow Him to sift my heart like wheat.  I had to get in a place where I was ok with God and could walk wholly and fully into the days ahead whatever they might bring.

I haven't shared details to protect the privacy of our family.  But I know you know from what I have shared, this has been a rough 8 months!  I honestly have never suffered more intense heartache and personal injury in my life.  I have had heartache, but not as often and as concentrated as has occurred in the past few months.  God has miraculously brought me to a place of healing each time...a place of forgiveness and restoration where I could put the hurt behind me and move forward in the relationship with my daughter.  However, the past 4 weeks were the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back for me.  Nothing happened that was big, and in comparison to some other events they seem trivial.  But for whatever reason, they were the hump I couldn't get over.  The hurt that welled up in me when I would think about Paizley giving birth and bringing the baby here to raise and all that meant for me emotionally and day to day was almost paralyzing.  Some days it was paralyzing.  Once I wrestled with the emotions, I was too drained to do much but make it to the end of the day so I could crawl in bed and pray sleep would come.

As the time has drawn closer for delivery, I knew I had to bring the hurt to the surface and deal with it.  I had to get on my face with God and find a way to face the coming days and months.  When I would think about the baby being born, I would feel like one of the Israelites at the Red Sea.  There were two options: bring the baby home or place with another family for adoption.  I shared from the beginning that it has been our desire and our goal for Paizley to parent this child.  But as the time drew closer and closer we were not sure that was going to be possible.  I felt like her bringing the baby home and parenting in our house was the Red Sea in front of me that would wash me away if I stepped in, and placing her with another family was the Egyptians in hot pursuit behind me.  And I heard myself grumbling much as the Israelites did.  "God, PLEASE take me back!  Take me back to days when life was easier, when I didn't have to think about being a grandmother or helping a wounded teen learn to parent. Take me back to a familiar place without the pain."  I am not saying I regretted Paizley or the life that she carries, don't hear that...I regretted the circumstances of our life.  I don't even know if regret is the right word.  I mourned the circumstance of our life. I mourned what I left behind in my Egypt and cried out in fear for the sea that lay in front of me.

In the last two weeks, I have found myself locked in my bathroom and falling to the floor completely overwhelmed with the tasks that lay ahead.  It was in these moments that I would remember Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane and would pray Jesus' prayer many times on my bathroom floor.  I would cry out to God and ask Him if there was any other way to please remove me from this situation.  Take away all of it.  Rewind somehow or miraculously do something..I didn't even really know what I was asking.  For the first few times, I had to pray that several times before I could get to the next part...BUT no matter what, not my will, but GOD's be done!  I didn't really mean it the first couple of times I prayed it.  I guess you could say I prayed it in faith.  But I followed those prayers with surrendering my heart to God and asking Him to heal the wounds and bring me to a place where I could walk this out.  God is so faithful!  I even had an amazing friend who text me and said she was going to start her first ever fast - a fast from Dr. Pepper - to pray for us! I put it on Facebook which I don't normally do that we were not in a good place for Paizley to give birth and asked for everyone to pray.  I now it is cliche to say you "feel prayers" but in the places I have walked the past several years, I can say I have truly felt prayers...and this time was no different!  I began to feel the hurt lift.  I began to think of the baby coming...something I hadn't been able to do up to that point.  There was a mental and emotional block that wouldn't let my heart and mind go there.  It was like nothing I have ever experienced.  I began to experience the healing that only comes from the Holy Spirit cleaning house in your heart!

We sang a song yesterday in church about the power of God parting oceans.  I knew God was parting my Red Sea.  I wasn't totally sure what the "dry land" was going to look like that I would cross over, but I knew God was parting the waters of my heart.  I knew the prayers I had cried out on my knees for God's will to be done were unfolding as He was making  way for just that.

It all culminated in a very needed, healing and God ordained time between me and my daughter yesterday.  I kind of feel like the Israelites again in that there will be obstacles, famine, drought, wars, etc even after we walk across the Red Sea.  But I will have this time to look back and remember that God brought us through.  And He has taught me to rely on Him in a way I never had before and taught me even more about Himself and His character through this journey.  As I prayed with Paizley yesterday I was able to honestly and earnestly thank God for the lessons this time has brought.  When the drought or famine does come, and it will because we still have a LONG way to go, I will not run in fear but look to the heavens and wait for the manna and quail to fall that will sustain me for THAT day!  It's the biggest lesson I have learned from my Gethsemane - when God's will is not for the cup to pass, but for me to walk out the dying of myself, I will remember the cost of the cross and say YES - and God will then provide whatever I need daily to continue to walk out the road to my cross!  No more and no less than what I need for THAT day!  And on the other side, I will look a little more like Christ than I did when I started the trip.  And that is why I say YES!

My Rights

"Never discard a conviction. If it is important enough for the Spirit of God to have brought it to your mind, it is that thing He is detecting. You were looking for a great thing to give up. God is telling you of some tiny thing; but at the back of it there lies the central citadel of obstinacy; I will not give up my right to myself - the thing God intends you to give up if ever you are going to be a disciple of Jesus Christ." ~Oswald Chambers

I am finding more and more that my "rights" are getting in the way of what God is calling me to do. We Amercians have a real problem with our "rights" when it comes to our Christian walk. We are kind of born feeling entitled just because we are Americans and that is what Americans are..entitled. In the political realm that is a good thing. It makes us fight for what we feel is important to our way of live...freedom. But in the Christian walk, it is deadly.

It has been a rough week at our house. So many obstacles. After one too many screams yesterday, I had to walk out the door and go for a little walk...John took over for me in my absence. I cried out to God on that walk that He would deliver me from my circumstances. I was overwhelmed. But what I was really asking Him for was to have my "normal" life back. Times like yesterday I really want to go back to the American dream of 2.5 kids and a white picket fence. On good days, I realize I have gone above and beyond that dream with my 7 kids. But on bad days, it feels like those 4.5 extra kids will send me to an early if not immediate grave.

Those are the times I take my eyes of the One who has blessed me with these children and this life. It is hard. It is overwhelming most days right now. But He has called me. He has asked me to take up my cross and follow Him...every day. He has promised when I do that, He will never leave me nor forsake me and that He will not give me more than I can handle IN HIM!

I read the quote I started with this morning in my devotion and it made me reflect on yesterday in a different light. I did not "discard a conviction" - I had once again taken up my "rights" to what I thought my life should look like.

God brought this to my attention in a big way a couple of weeks ago. Older children in CPS care have to sign a paper that states they understand their "rights". I know whey they do it...it is a protection against adults coming in and taking what should be the child's or bullying them into giving them something they shouldn't. But when that child then becomes a member of a family, the "rights" mentality is still there. And in a family, that doesn't work very well.

We were discussing this with Paizley over a certain issue. She was asking some questions, and John made a profound statement. He said, "When you came into this family, you lost all your rights as an individual. Now you are part of the family and the only right you have is to belong." Immediately I heard the Holy Spirit say, "And so it is in My family!" You see, when I accepted Christ as not only my Savior, by my Lord also, I laid down all my rights! I don't have a right to anything anymore....accept to belong! John went on to tell Paizley that belonging to a family has great advantages over being alone. You have the protection of a roof over your head, a place at a table to eat, the love of a family who only wants what is best for you.....and again the Holy Spirit, "And so it is with My family!" We don't have any "rights" as a follower of Christ, but we have so many blessings! We are heir to an entire kingdom! We are promised peace beyond what the human brain can comprehend (and this week that alone is reason to belong!!!!), a powerful King to always go to battle for us, a Savior who sits at the Right Hand of God Almighty and intercedes for us day and night.

When I look at it from that perspective, I will gladly lay down any "right" I have to an American dream and take hold of the blessings that are mine as a member of God's family....a daughter of the King of Kings!

A Vessel for the Smith

I think I found the scripture that sums up my really long post about being undone and redone:

Proverbs 25:14 ~ "Take away the dross from the sliver, and there comes out a vessel for the smith."

God, thank you for removing the built up dross from my heart and soul! Thank you for never giving up on me no matter how many times you have to tell me or teach me! Thank you for promising to complete the work you stated in me until the day Jesus returns! Thank you that you will continue to remove even more dross from my gunked up heart and soul in the days and years to come...even during the times I plead with you to stop...because You know what is best for me and only You know what the future holds! I thank you for this process Lord because my one desire in this life is to be a vessel for you, the Smith! Form me and make me into what you need me to be for Your work! ~Amen

The simple truths

Well, you guys may get a lot out of me this morning! My alarm clock this morning was a 4:15 phone call from Liberia, and I can't go back to sleep after those, so I have lots of time this morning! :)

John has been doing the Experiencing God Bible Study. I have wanted to do it with him, but refuse to pay the price...so I am going to be bargain shopping on ebay and amazon for it! I have tried to do it in his book to save money, but I am a serious note taker, marker upper person. So I really can't use his book! I need the freedom to mark what I want to really absorb it! Just the way I am made.

However, I have started it with his book so I won't be too far behind him. I didn't even get all the way through day 1 before I had to stop and absorb. The first scripture was 1 Cor 2:14, "The man with out the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of Godk for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned." Such a simple truth that I have read many times, but today it had new meaning! I LOVE it when He does that!!!

The word that stuck out to me was "foolishness". It stuck out because I know I am a woman with the Spirit, but how many times are "the things that come from the Spirit of God" still foolishness to me? How many times does God look at me and say, "do _______", and I go, "Huh?!" I don't understand, or I think it is ridiculous because I can't see the bigger picture. I think I am getting better, but I still have a long way to go!

For example, our personal budget that you guys heard me vent about yesterday morning. God may be looking at that and saying, I want to show myself in your peronal finances, will you let me?! While I am sitting here saying, we serve you, I could make more money teaching than what I do now, but I am serving you in my job (not that teachers don't serve....they do!!!! I was one of them too at aone time!) and keeping my commitment to my children to be their full time mother while working (lots of I and My in there, huh?!). I hear a sense of entitlement in those comments, don't you? I think I need to do some spiritual discerning over money! That is an area where I am not there yet!

But then in other areas, I am! For example, John and I have been praying about adopting again. There have been several scenarios that have presented themselves. One in particular, I thought was for sure the way we should go, and that door was shut. One is still open. The initial scenario was pretty good. Healthy birth mom, just one state over, have a friend in that state that I could stay with when the baby was born, baby due in Dec (which aligns with my due date estimate based on my impressiong to pray back in April that kind of started this whole topic anyway), might be born on my birthday, etc, etc. Well, we decided to be presented to another situation where the baby was already born instead of this one. We were not chosen for that situation. I have had a keen sense that this might be the one we needed to pursue all along, but John felt led to the other one. So I trusted his leading (am still trusting that!) and we presented to that one. After that door closed, I shared my feelings with him, admitting that I probably should have shared earlier, but am still trying to figure out this submission vs being led role that I have talked about (click on submission under my topics and you will see my posts on that!).

Over the weekend the situation got even better! The birth mom supposedly moved to Texas! Woohoo!!! No interstate compact!

Well, yesterday, we found out that she in fact did not move to Texas as the agency thought. In fact, she is in jail! They also told us that she is addicted to crack and had not disclosed that to the agency, but her brother told them when they talked to him to try to find her in Texas.

So here is how it went in the Petree house on that one! John is thinking run like crazy! The mother is in jail, there is now drugs involved (we were blessed with Noah, but we know that is not always the case!), will the mom still even make an adoption plan, how does it work when the mom has the baby in jail, will CPS be involved? Etc, etc! All VERY valid concerns and questions!

But I was so excited! Yes, that is right, excited! You see, I can have biological children, so if my goal is just to add children to my family, then lets get pregnant! But my goal is to love the "least of these!" Even when we adopted Noah, I knew our calling was to the children that were not wanted by every family. At that time, inter-racial adoption was not nearly as common as it is now (at least not in our part of the world), so even that was huge! Add the drugs, unknown birth father, mother's life-style, etc, etc and you have a recipe for faith walking! We did and it was wonderful!!!! I believe these are the situations that I am called to. I got the impression that even the agency wanted to drop her. They just wanted to send me on to the next AA baby girl! But I kept telling them, I want this one! I know they are not sure if she will place, if they can find her, they have already spent a lot of time on her, and I understand that. But that baby is worth it! And now more than ever, she needs a home!!!

So when I found out that she is a drug baby and in mom is in jail, I had a quickening in me! This verse explains why, I think. To pursue such a situation is "foolishness" if you look at it with our the Spirit! You see, the healthy birthmom that answers all the agencies phone calls, is college educated, has no "red flags" is the safe way! Sometimes God lets us take a safe journey, I am not saying it HAS to be risky to be of God, however, I am learning that the only time God can really shine is when it is impossible with out Him! I was thinking that yesterday, then I read the intro to the Bible study this morning and it just confirmed it: "When you obey, God accomplishe through you something only He can do [emphasis mine]. Then you come to know GOd in a more intimate way by experiencing Him at work through your life." That is soooo true!

I believe the quickening was God saying, "Let's do it! Come on, let me shine and show you some more of who I Am!" Now let me explain, that this was all after yesterday. Let me tell you my day yesterday:

I am chairman of the Book Fair at Callie and Noah's school. We seem to have had a shortage of volunteers this time. So yesterday I had to be at the Fair at 7:30 am for the Goodies with Grands event....along with treats to eat! I had all four kids up and ready to go by then. I had to take the little ones with me (they can unshelve books faster than I can get them off the floor!). Then the volunteers were late, so I had to stay until almost 9. Then had to come home, try to squeeze in some work and feed the kids to be back up there at 11:45 (nap time!). Stayed until a little after 1 when I thought we were going to have melt downs, and told the two volunteers that were there that I had to go home and let the kids run around and would be back before the after school rush.

On the way out the school doors, I looked down at my two precious angels and thought, "WHAT AM I THINKING????!!!!! I would be halling THREE kids around right now if I had a baby! I am already a nit wit! How in the world would I be with a baby that kept me up at night, that needs diapers and formula in a budget that is already not enough? (See yesterdays post for that rant!). And God just spoke as if He was staning right next to me! It went something like this, "Aw, good. Now you see it my way! You can't do it, but I can!" That was before I found out about the jail and drug isssue with the birth mom.

I don't know how this story will end. But I know God wants my obedience and faith! He wants to do more "immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his pwer that is at work with in us" (Eph 3:20). But that requires me to let go of control, trust Him, and walk by faith in obedience! Oh how I want to do that!

Submission: Part Three

I am really ready to be done with this! But obviously God doesn't think I am ready! I am not doing a structured Bible study right now. So every morning, I read the Proverb for the day and then just pray and try to hear where God wants me to read. Today, I felt it was 1 Corinthians. Some mornings I wonder if I heard right because I really don't get much out of it, but this morning, unfortunatly, I am sure I was right on.

1 Cor 11:3 says, "But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ." Hmmmmm, that isn't really very politically correct, is it? It doesn't say that God or Christ is the head of me, but man....in my case, John! Verse 7 ten says, "But a man ought not to have his head covered, since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man." Ouch! (That is what I wrote in the margin of my Bible too!) I had to reread that! It didn't say I am the glory of God, it says I am the glory of John! It didn't take long thinking on that to know that I sooooooo don't get that! Really, I can't even get my brain around it right now. Yes, that sounds arrogant, yes, it is arrogant! I won't go into detail here of why that is so difficult for me! Lets just say that John and I don't see eye to eye many times in our family, and it is usually over the things I feel God is calling me/us to do! But this scripture leaves no room for compromise! When it comes to my marriage, my home, my life, I am to be the glory of John and John is to be the glory of God. And just in case I didn't get it clear enough and still had some doubts, God says "Read on!".

Verses 8-9: "For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; for indeed man was not created for the woman's sake, but woman for the man's sake." What?! You are kidding me, right?! I was really created for John?! But what about my whole role in life being to bring glory to God? Well, this says I do that through bringing glory to John! But can't I just skip that part and bring glory to God leaving John to do that same? I don't see where it really leaves much room for that here...and in case I wondered, here is how my conversation with God after this went:
Me: How do I do this? How do I follow you and John? How do I bring glory to him? How do I follow You and John when so many times they seem to contradict? Why do you tell me things that totally contradict what John says?
God: So You can pray! You can prepare the path for John - He is my issue. *Insert HollyAnn's eplanation to blog readers: God had to put that there because I often want to "fix" my husband! I am sure none of you other women struggle with that, but it is a HUGE issue with me....especially when I think he is wrong!:)*
Me: My human brain doesn't comprehend how this works...your ways are higher than mine!
God: Yes it does! You just want control! You don't want to wait...to trust! *OUCH!*
Me: OK - practically speakingwhat does this "the woman is for the glory of man" look like?.....Where can I take the lead and not be overstepping my boundary? What id anything can I expect from John?
God: Right now, nothing - ALL expectations are on Me! Look to Me! (vs. 12 and ALL things originate from God)
Me:Where can I lead?
God: What is truly vital?
Me: children's spiritual growth, money responsibility
God: Are you doing those things either?
Me: no
God: Then why are you judging him? Get the log out of you eye!
Me: How do I do all this? How do I bear all this?
God: In Me! By faith! In the Spirit!
Me: I don't think I can!
God: lies! Since when did you start believing lies of the enemy over Me?
Me: really long argument that is pretty pitiful of why I am believing lies....doesn't really work to argue with the Creator of the Universe...he will let you argue, but I haven't won one yet!

I am guessing there will be a submission: part four.....and probably five, six.....you get the picture! I don't have this one down yet! And John said, "AMEN!" :)

Submission: Part Two

I keep imagining some of you dear friends in blog world saying, "So how's that working for ya" to quote a famous Texan! Well, not so good! It sounds good all typed out on my blog, and I really mean it, but man is it hard to keep my mouth shut! I may not acutally ask about the adoption, but I make comments about babies all the time. God is showing me that I need to stop that..even if I don't mean it to be reminder of what I feel called to do, John will probably see it as that, and thus I need to not say it! Oh man! That is hard!

It is also hard just to know the line. For example, we went to a church Sunday that was doing a special emphasis on adoption. After church three organizations talked about their foster or adoption programs. One of them called me today, so I wanted to share what I had found out with JOhn. I always struggle with that. I feel like even sharing what I know if pressuring, yet if I don't, then he will not know. So today, I shared, then backed off. Well kind of....I did send him a video from my friend Jody's blog on foster kids. But I share things from blogs with John many times. I was sharing as information more than nagging, but maybe I should have refrained because of how it would be perceived even if not my intent. Oh this is hard!

The Pastor of the church we visited on Sunday shared their testimony of the adoption of their little boy who was in the foster care system. He said his wife asked him about taking in the little boy and he said, "NO!" There family was just fine with the four girls and he didn't want to mess things up by throwing in another gender! But as he prayed about it, God turned his heart. He said when he shared with his wife that he thought they should do it, she said, "Great!" and pulled the completed application out of a drawer and told him where to sign! I love it! But I know she kept her mouth shut while she filled out all those papers! GOd give me the obedience and strength to keep my mouth shut!

Submission

That is a dirty word in today's culture! But I have always sought to be a submissive wife. After 10, almost 11, years, I still struggle with what exactly that means. But this morning, God was reminding me of one part of it. As I long for my baby, I tend to take matters into my own hands. Do I trust God to bring her/him to me? Yes! Do I like His timing? NO!

So today as I prayed specifically for baby P, I heard God say, "Let John lead." What?! You have to be kidding! If I let John lead, we will never have a baby! He wants to be done having kids! He doesn't have the heart for adding kids to the family that I do (I mean no disrespect to my husband..over the years, I totally recognize his not being as willing as me as a safety valve to keep ALL the world's orphans from coming into our home by my hand!)! So God's response to my argument: "That is between John and Me, if you step outside him then you are not in My will." That was not what I wanted to hear!

So since my sweet husband had already left for work, I sent him an e-mail asking permission to send our profile and home study to a couple of referral places. I was planning to do that today, but I will walk in submission to God and my husband! Trusting BOTH of them to handle this in the best way! As I told John, sometimes being a strong woman isn't all it is cracked up to be.....which he will find hilarious since just before he left he made the comment "Oh hell, she's awake"---see quotes on side bar for explanation!

I can't send it without his permission, but I can sure pray that he says YES!!! So that is what I will do.....while still preparing myself to be respectful(not just act it, but truly trust, rest and respect)if the answer is No!

Full transparency.....

I have not posted anything about this because I am not sure if any family reads this. But the more I have prayed about it, the more I have felt compelled to blog because the issue I am facing faces so many women longing to adopt. So I decided if I am truly transparent about my life, especially about adoption in order to help others, I have to blog. So if there are any family members reading this, you might want to stop here! Or if you continue, do not be angry that we didn't share this info with you. Didn't want to concern or worry you if we didn't go through with anything.

I have blogged a couple of times about my longing for a newborn aa girl and how God has worked on me some in this area over the last few months. I just looked up the posts where I did that. You can read them here and here.

Well, I have had a very heavy heart about this for several weeks. I have journaled, I have prayed and I have searched situation pages. I have a friend here who is very involved in the AA community and has a ministry to help young moms with parenting skills and other issues. Last Sunday, the baby thing was on my heart so strongly I couldn't shake it. So when I was supposed to be praying for our church (I do that as part of a prayer team during one of our services, but I was the only one in there again!), I was praying for my baby. (I did pray for the church too, just not the whole time!) When I went upstairs to pick up Noah, I thought, "I need to talk to Jody (my friend with the ministry). So I walk next door to get Callie, and Jody is standing right in front of me. So I told her hastily as she was running late to a class, that I feel God calling us to a baby girl and if she knew of one needing a home to let me know. She said she actually had someone tell her about one. So I made contact with her later to find out about that... turned out to be a dead end. So in the mean time I found a situation with a drug exposed mother. I prayed, talked to John, prayed some more, asked lots of questions of the referral service, and started researching. With John's blessing, I started the process of updating our home study for a domestic placement. We went through the whole process (those of you who have had a home study will laugh.....I had to do a home visit on spur of the moment since time was of the essence! My kitchen floor was sticky, and as I opened the door to let my social worker in, I saw a pair or Toben's underwear under the dining room table! Have no idea how they go there, but those things will keep you humble for sure!). I started about Monday, and the girl was dilated to a 3, but had not delivered yet. We didn't know the sex of the baby at this time. I REALLY want a girl and a girl will fit in our bedroom situation as she would share with Ava instead of having to put 3 boys in one room. But as I felt called to this situation, I layed down my "wants" and told God I would be obedient and walk ahead even if it was a boy! So Friday morning I got an e-mail saying the baby was born and is a girl! My heart skipped a beat. We had everything we needed except John's criminal check. His expired Sept. 1. So I ran around like a crazy person trying to see if we could use that for now and then do an update once the new one came in.

I found out we could, so I moved ahead full force, getting more excited with each hour that passed. About mid afternoon, John just said, "I can't do this." I said, "Can't do what?" I knew what he was about to say, but we were also remodeling, so I was hoping it had to do with that! But it didn't, it was the baby. He just didn't think he could do a baby right now. There were many reasons that I won't go into here as those are our private matters, but we talked......I was disappointed beyond belief and began mourning the loss of the little girl I had already brought home to the nursery in my mind and heart.

This always leaves me perplexed. How can I hear God so clearly, yet John says it is not time? Who is wrong and who is right? As I struggled with that briefly, I was reminded that it doesn't matter who was wrong or right, I am to submit to my husband. If he didn't hear God say this is our baby, then my job is to rest in that. Does that mean I was wrong, I don't think so. But to push John when he isn't ready even if I think it is God or to make my husband feel inferior to me spiritually and say that I heard God and he didn't, would be wrong! That would not be respectful or submissive. As soon as those thoughts came to mind, and I rested in them, I was filled with peace. Do I still grieve that little girl? A little, but I know there is a little girl out there, and I know my good God will bring me one when John and I are both ready.

John said the next morning when he was praying that he didn't think we would have to "pay for" (I hate that term, but it is true) a baby. That we would find one just needing a home like we did with Noah. That means more waiting....I hate to wait! But we are home study ready now! :)

I share this with you all because I talk to women every day who struggle because they have a heart for adoption and their husband is not there. So don't stop praying! Keep that heart and ask God to soften your husband. I didn't say pound him or nag him as that will do no good! But pray, God can change his heart! John was done having children with Callie, and now we are looking at number 5 (and six if Sundayma comes to us also!). John, just ignore that last part! FOCUS on the baby! hee! hee!