Never Have I Been More Thankful for Trials

As we have walked the past few weeks processing the news that Ava is losing brain mass and are waiting on an official diagnosis of a terminal illness, I have found many things to be thankful for.

First, I am thankful for my large family! We told our oldest three the day we learned of the news. The way they responded blessed me beyond words! I knew that if no one else in the entire world walked with us, we would be ok because we had each other. With the roads we have walked the past 4 years, being able to rest in that was truly miraculous and a precious gift from God!

I am also thankful for the amazing community of Decatur. I immediately knew that we would not walk this alone. We have close friends all the way to acquaintances who we know would do anything we asked in a time of need. Ava has a class of friends who genuinely love her! With her struggles, it would be so easy to cast her aside as a social misfit and real pain in the you know what! But instead they respond with grace, understanding, and love! Even to the boys she messages and even texts sometimes relentlessly telling them she has a crush on them - they respond with appropriate, loving answers! I don't take that for granted!

I am thankful God placed it on my parents' hear to move close to us! We live closer now than we have in 18 years! They will be an invaluable support emotionally as well as in day to day life in the coming months and years! I am so thankful for them!

I have been asking for a full brain MRI for years only to be told there is no need. The one done in 2009 didn't show anything, so a new one would not be useful. At first when we found out it would have in fact shown something, I was angry they had not done one when I asked. But immediately, God answered my anger with "would you really have wanted to know all this time?!" And the answer to that is a resounding NO! I am so thankful for the years of wonderful bliss we have lived in not knowing what the future held and just enjoying our sweet girl for the amazing creation of God that she is!

But truly what I am most thankful for are the trials that have brought me to this point in my life! I remember as a young adult and fairly immature Christian reading in James 1 where I was supposed to consider it pure joy to face trials of many kinds. What?! I should be happy things are hard?! The scripture explains itself: "because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  I can remember a season where I begged God for relief from lessons. I actually told him I did not want to mature anymore for awhile! I am so thankful he did not give me what I asked for!

When we taught youth in Cotton Center, I would tell them that God will never take you over a mountain before he takes you over the ant hill. I learned early in my walk with Him that He strengthened us bit by bit. If I would let him teach me in the trip over the ant hill, then I would take the trip over the mountain much more gracefully and peacefully.

As I have walked through one of the deepest valleys of my life - being told a child is dying - I have time and again thanked God for the Truths that are now part of the fabric of my belief system - they are who I am not just what I think.

When we miscarried our first baby in 1999, a woman of God who I very much admired shared that God was teaching me to let go of children. At the time my 25 year old self  was offended. But as I have lost so many children, that Word has come back to me time and time again. I now know it was actually a Word of peace. We lost our Hope to a miscarriage, we lost Addy to death before we ever met her yet we loved her as if we had raised her those three years of her life, we lost Eden to a failed adoption after I spent three weeks with her and bonded in a miraculous way only to have not seen her again in 13 years! We have even lost a child to the schemes of the enemy - for what we pray is temporary. I have said numerous times that I have lost children just about any way you can except through death while they lived with me. When we lost Hope in our miscarriage, the lesson I walked away from that I have been forever grateful for is that my children are not mine! The ones I birthed are not mine, the ones I have adopted are not mine, and the ones who call my house home are not mine - they are HIS! He entrusts them to me to raise and equip and train for Kingdom purposes, and it is my true honor to walk with each one of them in this life for that purpose!

But it is not just the loss of children that has prepared me for this moment. It is so many trials I have walked. Sitting alone with my thoughts and emotions the last few weeks, never once have I asked God "why?". For one, that has never really gone well for me! God has never really felt the need to explain himself to me in most cases when I ask that question - He is God, and I am not - that's why. But I have not even asked. Mainly because I trust Him. I fully trust Him.

Through the trials I have walked in my 44 years on this earth, his sovereignty is settled. I know this is not a surprise to Him. In fact, this is a result of Ava's genetic make up  - it is literally how He knit her together! He knows yesterday, today, and tomorrow - none of it is a surprise! Many might ask why that doesn't make me angry. Well, because God's love for me and His goodness have also been settled long ago in my spirit and soul. I have walked many trials that I could not explain and could not in the midst of it see any good. But those same trials now are spring boards into my calling and my ability to walk with others today. I know God loves me. God is good! He is not just good when the answer is what we want to hear, He is good no matter what! I know that. He has shown that to me over my lifetime. I don't question it. I believe it.

Because of these lessons and these Truths that are a part of my being now, my faith is truly a refuge! He is my Strong Tower that I can run to and be safe! I have spent many evenings just sitting, crying, asking God to "hold me". And He does. From the moment we received the news up until the typing of these words, I have had nothing but undeniable PEACE! I should be frantic, worried, anxious, fearful - and there are moments of that as the enemy tries to steal our joy and peace - but those moments are fleeting and are quickly replaced with supernatural, unexplained, oh so wonderful PEACE. It is the most precious gift my Heavenly Father has ever given me!

If you wonder if God is real, I can tell you without a doubt HE IS!!! How do I know? Because He has shown Himself faithful to me! He has answered me when I have cried out! He has comforted me when there was no comfort to be had from the things this world had to offer. He has filled me with joy and peace that surpasses all human understanding. But to get here, I had to yield to Him. I had to walk in obedience to Him. I had to let Him take the lead and trust Him for the outcome. Never have I ever been more thankful for the lessons I have learned as I walked with Him than I am today!

For anyone who thinks I have it all together....

This is a post I have wanted to write for months....but for much of that time, I wouldn't have been able to collect the thoughts darting through my mind enough to communicate my point. Then fear kept me from writing it for awhile. However, I was reminded this week that the Word says we have overcome by the Blood of the Lamb AND the word of our testimony - I am not where I want to be, but I am not where I was either. Praise God! I was also encouraged to be transparent by two women of God - Lisa Terkeurst and my daughter CallieAnn - who shared their stories boldly, so I am sharing mine as well.

I don't share for sympathy or pity. I don't share to complain - although some of this will sound like toddler whininess I am sure! I share because twice in one week I had two different people say something along the lines of "I don't know how you do it! You are so put together!" Both times my immediate thought was, "If you only knew!" It wasn't that I was hiding things to put on a show. I wasn't sharing all that was going on because I was literally just trying to survive. I only share now because I truly desire to live a transparent life that glorifies my God. I share now because I have no doubt that I have friends who are walking the same path I was...and I want them to know they are NOT alone! I want them to know there is help. I want them to know they don't have to keep walking that path. For my fellow humans struggling with depression, you are not alone!

I woke up every morning with a heaviness and despair that would plague me util I went to bed that night. I would take about 30-45 minutes to talk myself out of bed - I still had to be mom and wife and adoption worker. I would go through the day trying my best to be everything everyone needed me to be. Then I would lay down to the only peace I had throughout the day - sleep.

I  am not sure when it started. I have battled this giant before in my life. I had pretty significant postpartum depression. I was actually in the process of weaning off the medicine when I found out I was pregnant with Journey. So for almost 4 years, I took medicine. When everything with Liberia happened, I battled depression again. It was different that time, though. I knew that was spiritual. I was able to battle back through spiritual warfare and get out of that pit that the enemy wanted to leave me in to kill my life's calling to be a voice and advocate for the orphaned. So I have personally know depression that is physical and depression that is spiritual.

One year ago, we heard God tell us to move. As we walked that out in obedience, we kept hearing that we were going to our Promised Land. How is depression part of my promised land? In short, it's not!

The actual move was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life...the loan for the people buying our house fell through, we were already packed with movers coming in less than a week! We helped them get another loan through a friend, but that set all the timelines off. So the first day of school, we moved into John's parents house for a week while the entire contents of our home was moved in to the garage of our new house. We would then embark on a three month complete gut of our new home that would include moving into the home, moving out to John's parents, moving back into the home, moving all 10 of us into the living room, moving back into John's parents, then moving into just the upstairs before finally being able to move everyone to their bedrooms and our living room furniture in! While doing this we had two kids start a new daycare, one kid start homeschooling, five kids start new schools, one of whom had such severe anxiety that I was making one to two trips a day to the school to help calm this one, one kid had an emergency appendectomy and one kid with a week long hospital stay that included another three weeks of maintenance care to ensure all meds were working and all was well. And that was just in the first 5 weeks of the remodel!

I knew I was stressed. I knew there were moments when it felt like I almost had to leave my body (not literally - but that's the only way I can explain with words the feeling I had of how much I had to disconnect on a daily bases emotionally to simply make it through the day without losing "it" - not really sure what "it" was, but I certainly feared losing it!) - so I felt like I had to leave my body to work in the circumstances I found myself in while also trying to meet the needs of all those dependent on me to be the emotional anchor as we made the move. I knew things were worse than I cared to admit when I started noticing that when my phone would ring with John's ringtone, my heart would start racing, and I would start to sweat. I was having panic attacks, but had no idea that's what they were. I just knew I had to hold "it" together - and part of that "it" was my family! But even though I knew things were tough and I wasn't handling it as well as I wanted to, I felt like much of it was circumstantial. I would tell myself, "I know it's bad, but when we get done moving, it will be ok." But then another crisis or stressor would enter my world. Again, I would say, "I know it's bad, but when we get through football, it will be better." And on and on....

I finally made the call to get on medication when twice I stressed out enough over circumstances that I had to call John to intervene. I knew I had made the right decision when one week after going on medication, for the first time in nearly 20 years of marriage, I had to tell John he couldn't travel for a work trip because I could not take care of things at home alone. I had reached the point where getting out of bed and doing my job was the most I had in me. One of the wake-up calls came when out of the blue, one of my younger kids asked, "Mom, do you like being a mother?!" I knew then something had to change...

For those who know me, they know this we the bottom of defeat for me. I am a strong woman - remember, everyone looks at me and says, "How do you do all that?" But the tower had crumbed. I was worn out. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. And also spiritually. My blood pressure which as been low all my life shot up to near stroke levels. Something in my body was definitely not ok.

I know there is stigma about medicine for depression at times, but I am here to tell you, when your body chemistry is off because of constant stress or other factors, medicine may just be needed! I love what Kris Vallatton says all the time about spiritual warfare and depression. He talks of the time that he had a breakdown and how he had to take medicine for a time to get his mind to where it needed to be to even be able to fight what needed to be fought on the spiritual side. That was exactly where I was!

I have been on medicine for almost 2 months now. It has helped me drastically - but as we all know there is no pill to fix everything! God is teaching me a new and deeper dependence on Him as I walk out of this valley of death. I have learned attributes of God's character in this pit that I would not have learned on a mountain top! Do I think God made me depressed?! Absolutely not! My God is a faithful, loving, gracious Father who wants me whole - mind, body and soul! But He did allow it - and He will use it for His glory and to shape and mold me into more of His reflection. He has taught me to fight on a new level on the spiritual battlefield. I still have days when the anxiety overtakes me. But I am able to fight back. The enemy wants to steal my joy - to steal the plans God has for me. My job is to stay plugged into the Source of Joy, Life, and Love so that I can fight back on the days the medicine isn't enough to overcome the circumstances that push in and threaten to take me under. Those are the days I have to fight even harder to keep my eyes on Jesus so I don't sink! Those are the days I have to remind myself many times a day - sometimes many times an hour- that my God is bigger than ANY problem I face! And I have good news for you too! He is bigger than any problem YOU face also! Greater is He that is in me (and you if you have accepted Him as your Lord) than he that is in the world! I've read the end of the book - We Win! Someone needs to hear that! You are not alone! And you WILL overcome if you will connect with the One whose blood shed for our sins overcame the power of darkness in this world, and will share your testimony! Reach out to someone close to you! Don't let satan shame you with what he gave you! Find a friend to confide in - and allow them to walk with you - right. out. of. the. valley!

You are not alone.....

The Next Faith Journey: The Things I remembered and the Things I Learned

I can't believe it has been two months since I have blogged! Usually my silence means one of two things: 1) I am swamped and too busy to sit down and write or 2)I am an emotional wreck and can't get my own thoughts together enough to put them down. Both of those things would be true of the last two months! I have been at the West Texas office the last three days and had a full day yesterday of simply being with my mom and RELAXING! So as I sit here in the quiet house with my coffee in my Christmas mug (Christmas is my favorite time of the year, but before this morning thinking about Christmas brought great anxiety!!), I am ready to process just a bit..

We are on day EIGHTY-THREE of this madness! From the day we started living out of suitcases to today has been 83 days....and I have now unpacked ONE box! Seriously! We moved our furniture into the house on day 64! Truly this has been the most difficult season of my life as far as complete and total chaos, stress, and learning to persevere! There are so many blog posts that could come from the last two months....but instead of writing the novel that could be written, I think I will just jot down a few of the lessons I have learned or been reminded of over these weeks.

1.  You can survive a week without a shower...but those around you might not. (The one who went a week without a shower will remain nameless to protect the stinky.)
2. As a mom you have to do things that make you want to throw up and tear your heart out, but you do them because they are the best thing for your children in the long run! And it makes you think about God and how He sees some of the things I do/don't do!
3. I am stronger than I think I am in some areas, but not as strong as those around me think I am in others.
4. A family of 10 is really expensive to feed without a kitchen.
5. You can cook with only one small knife, one sauce pan and one skillet..even for 10 people!
6. You can't survive tough times without a village. There were people who picked up kids when I couldn't make it to the school. There were people who took or picked up from practices when I just couldn't get there. And most importantly in the days when I could not even form a prayer to lift to heaven, there were warriors holding up my arms and praying for me! I never doubted God, I never felt mad at God, but from shear emotional and physical and spiritual exhaustion, I just couldn't pray. But they did. And through their prayers, I saw God move mountains and make provisions that left me in awe of my good, good, Father!
7. Free will stinks!
8. You CAN survive a move, remodel, emergency appendectomy hospital stay for one kid, a week long hospital stay for one kid all while living in two different houses with no family close enough to help. It's not pretty, but you can do it. 
9. A hug from a friend at just the right time will release a sea of tears and make you do the ugly cry right there in front of them! 
10. When you get bogged down in the process and forget all that God just brought you through (I HATE it when I act like an Israelite!), God will send a friend going through the exact same process he just took you through so that as you share all your faith and stories of miracles with your friend, you are encouraged in your own walk! 
11. Self care is vital! Stress will do bad/weird things to you...like make you itch all over!!! And without self care, it will eventually take you down.
12. Self care has to involve all three parts of your being: Spirit, body and soul!
13.  Dogs who run through the woods do get fleas. And fleas are very hard to get rid of. And just mentioning fleas makes me itch.
14. When one of your kids' counselors dismisses them to ask you how you are and you fall apart, it might be time to get your own counselor. 
15. You can hear God in the sound of the falling leaves and the chirping of the frogs and no matter what is going on in your life, in that moment there is peace.
16. You can't take junk into the promised land. You have to leave it behind...and that can mean war with the "giants".
17. Not all people keep their word. I hope the new owners of our old house enjoy my bedspring chandelier... :(
18. God makes provision for the things in your future that you don't yet know you need. Like an employee that it took three years to find, but was right on time for what we just went through. Without her, the agency would have crumbled over the last three months. God knew that and had her in place right when she needed to be. Satan better watch out! Monday morning we are both back in the saddle and ready to kick him in the teeth to redeem a generation of waiting kiddos in Texas! 
19. It took Caleb 40 years to see his promised land from the time he stood in faith and said that they could take down the enemy that the other spies said would never be defeated! FORTY YEARS! I guess I shouldn't be whining about 83 days! #perspective
20. Obedience to God does not always end in nice happy endings. Really, the Bible doesn't teach that. But somewhere in American Christianity that has become an expectation. But what obedience does is allow you to see God work in your life and teach you knew facets of His character as you experience them instead of just reading about them in the lives of other people! 
21. God's provision is limitless. Financially, emotionally, physically...there is so much that I can look at over this process and KNOW that while it has been the most trying thing I have done, God never left us, but provide again and again to give encouragement and the ability to keep walking in the direction He told us to go! 
22. Finally, I have learned that I want to always choose obedience over safety. I can't say that in the really hard days! But on a day like today where I have had rest and am sitting at my mom's house where it is quiet with my coffee in my Christmas mug, I can say that the lessons learned and the ability to see new facets of God's character are worth the struggles! And just like Him, he reminded me this weekend two different times that despite what we have been through, if I will cling to Him, He will bring me through! I had seriously felt like I had lost all my joy. I wasn't sure I would get it back. The last 83 days have taken everything I have on all levels. The enemy has lied and tried daily to steal, kill and destroy all the promises God has given about the move. While I have known I made it through (really, what choice did I have), I felt like I would never be the same! But this weekend I had a stranger tell she loved how positive and happy I am. Then a friend I ran into that I had not seen in probably 10 years said, "You look exactly the same! You still have your sparkle in your eye!" Neither one of these people knew I feared that my sparkle and my joy were gone forever, but God knew! And he used the words of these two to encourage me and silence the lies of the enemy! Oh how I love Him! 

So that's it in a nutshell! There really is so much more! But I have to get my suitcases packed to head home! You know I have made a comitment to be transparent on here. So in keeping with that commitment, I will share that as I woke up this morning, anxiety and the overhelming fear of returning home stated to take over. I am one of those that becomes paralyzed when I am overwhelmed. It is a weapon the enemy has used all of my life! But I refuse to let him win today. So if I come to mind, I would love your prayers for those feelings to bow a knee and alow me to hit the floor running when I get home! Love on my kids and then unpack a few boxes! Thank you all for taking this journey with me! It has been amazing to hear your stories and know that sharing some of mine has encouraged you in yours as you have in mine! 

The Next Faith Journey: We are in....

It’s been awhile since I have written! Sorry for those who are following the blog…..God did move the mountains and our buyers found another lender to process their loan. However, the excitement over that fact soon waned as the reality of the next weeks started to seep in. The original plan was to live in our old house for a week (we got a one week lease back) so that we could get a significant way into remodeling the new house before we had to move in. We had hoped to have one floor of the house completed so that we could move into that while the rest was being done. With us not being able to close on our house, however, we could not start any type of construction.

So, we moved into the house that needs remodeling on mattresses with suitcases. Due to spending hours on the phone at the end of the move time trying to get a loan worked out so the sell of our house did not fall through, our packing was delayed significantly. So the end move became one great big mess! All the best plans for organization and packing to live were gone! Add to that the fact that when we move it is the equivalent of moving 2 and a half families! That’s a lot of stuff! We literally filled trailers and moved boxes and belongings from sun up to way past sundown for EIGHT days! To say we were exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually is an understatement! Add to that the dynamics of moving 8 kids, two of whom do not do change well, into mass chaos….well, you get the picture! And if that was not enough, we also threw in an emergency appendectomy after Noah came home from school last Monday in great pain and throwing up! We are definitely feeling the refining in this journey!

We had packed for 10 days of displacement. We are now going on week three! So life looks a little like this:

Just keeping it real here! 

The first few days living in the house, the excitement of actually being on the property carried me! That and fishing in the evenings with my favorite little people! It was surreal that we could walk out our backdoor and catch fish! All the kids were outside interacting with each other…that in itself is a miracle and made my mommy heart swell! But the reality of the chaos soon took over. That and the fact that we really had no end date. They were saying three weeks to close which meant three weeks of mass chaos before even bigger chaos to move out for the last of the remodel! My head could not even comprehend what that looked like. Add to that the daily tasks of trying to do laundry with nowhere to put the clothes, cooking meals with no pots, pans or utensils….you get the picture! I truly thought I was going to lose my mind! There were a couple of days where if could I find a way out, I would have taken it. I truly thought I had reached my mental capacity and something had to give! All the while, I am watching friends around me lose parents to cancer, lose babies to birthmoms changing their minds, friends dealing with loss of jobs and facing financial ruin…all while I am moaning and complaining about a blessing God is providing me. But here is what I have learned in my life, it is all about perspective! While I can look at those other circumstances and clearly see they are more severe than mine, the enemy tells lies and creates scenarios where my circumstances seem just as dire! My biggest mistake in this entire process was not spending every morning with Jesus! I was physically exhausted, so I tried to sleep longer than I should have. After about 5 days of that, I had no perspective except a worldly, circumstantial, satan ridden view of my life. And it looked like the current condition of chaos and yuck was going to last forever and be impossible to survive! It wasn’t until I got alone with Jesus…out under the trees in one of my favorite spots that I felt the weight and weariness lift off!

I have often read Exodous and wondered how the Israelites could grumble and complain and ask to go back to captivity given all they saw God do. However, I was just like the Israelites in this move! God had moved mountains! He had given me a faith stronger than any I had ever had to face the challenges of the loan without wavering one bit. I was so proud of how I had handled myself in the trials of the process…until the actual move! So what changed? What took me to a place of grumbling and complaining and seemingly hopelessness? It was one thing…taking my eyes of Jesus! It sounds so simple. And it really is. Just. That. Simple! I started looking at the waves around me, and I sank! But here is the deal, it only took one moment of worship and being reminded that my reality comes from heaven to earth to refocus myself! It was a quick reminder that when my emotions and feelings start heading for the pit, I better find some headphones or a quiet spot and get the Word or worship or both running through my mind to refuel, restore and renew me!

Right now we are set to close on both houses on Wednesday! That is 48 hours. Even in the chaos, John and I walk around our property in awe that we would ever own such a piece of heaven on earth! For a gal who grew up in the West Texas desert (which by the way I also think is beautiful!), to now sit under trees in plush grass with a tree lined pond in front of her truly feels like a dream. One of my new favorite de-stressers is to come out in the evenings and watch the fireflies as they start to light up the wooded area behind our house. I am ashamed that I grumbled and complained about such a blessing regardless of how hard the journey has been….BUT God loves me all the same! He doesn’t sit in disgust that I didn’t walk all of this journey well! The stress is not over! We are about to move all 10 of us into one living room! :) Prayers appreciated! Ha! But I am determined to end well! I am determined to keep my eyes on Jesus… on the blessings and not the circumstances! Can I encourage you to do the same in whatever journey you are facing that is stretching you? I know many who are facing much worse things than moving into a living area with 9 of their favorite people! But I know a God who is big enough and gracious enough and FAITHFUL enough to handle it no matter what it is!

I would love to pray with you for your circumstances to line up with heaven if you need to know someone is walking with you! Just leave me a comment if you are not on my Facebook! Or you can always email me at hollyann@addyshope.com if you need to know someone is praying and believing with you! Keep believing and looking in His face!  

The Next Faith Journey: Being Certain of what we do not see....

Oh, the journey! I can't say that I am loving the journey at the moment, but I can say I am loving the peace that I am experiencing in the turmoil! :)

So the plan was to close on the house we currently own yesterday, and close on the house we are buying today. The contractors were going to start working tomorrow. As I sit here tonight, we have not closed on either house! We have hit a couple of snags. Evidently there is ZERO customer service in lending for houses anymore! They wait until the day before closing to underwrite the loans and then have a gazillion hoops for you to jump through. Add onto that the three day required wait after you have signed disclosures, and you have a perfect storm!

But here is what I know. From the beginning as I have shared here, this has been a FAITH journey! Faith is defined in Hebrews 11 as being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see! Even as we received phone call after phone call today that meant delay after delay, I stood firm. I did not react physically or emotionally to the circumstances. At one point, John was relaying all that he had just discussed on a phone call. When he got done, I simply said, let's pray. We did. And then we kept packing. I told him that the enemy has tried to steal this promised land from us from the beginning! I don't know that I have ever been in such a battle where I was as aware as I am now of it actually being a spiritual battle! So today when the enemy tried to bring discouragement and despair, it did not work! I looked at John and said with surprise in my voice, "I am seriously not panicking! God's got this! He has made too many promises to drop us now! Let's keep packing!"

I am not tooting my own horn here..in fact just the exact opposite. Most of the times in situations like this, it matters not what I have thought God said in the past or what promises He has made for my victory, as soon as the bad news comes, I start wailing about how He never follows through or leaves me when I walk in obedience. I usually come around eventually to Truth, but I don' t usually respond in Truth. I usually throw a 42 year old version of a 2 year old tantrum!

But this journey has brought me to a place of trust, truly trusting God has my best interest at heart and loves me as a good, good, Father! He has drawn me close, hid me under His wings and been a strong tower for me to run to! I have learned facets of God's character that I have not known before. I think this is what James meant when he said, we should consider it "pure joy" when we fact trials because the testing of our faith brings about perseverance! And there is soooo much to be thankful for....buyers who are working just as hard as we are to get their loan closed and are communicating openly with us through the process, sellers who are more than generous and working with us despite delays, a beautiful property that in a few weeks I will be sitting looking out over as I type!

I can say that our faith has definitely been tested over the past 6 weeks in ways it hasn't been in a long time! The attacks have come from all sides! But tonight I go to bed at complete peace because I know that He who promised will be faithful to do what He said He would do! And around our house, we call that kickin' satan in the teeth!

The Next Faith Journey: God's Provision

Our mortgage company has been a NIGHTMARE, and that is putting it nicely. We have been asking for numbers, you know the approximate amount needed at closing and estimated monthly payment that you usually get, since we started the loan process back in May! We didn't get any numbers until last week.

I had to stop by John's office to pick up something I needed to take with me while headed back to West Texas with a car full of teenagers! I was taking them to Rock the Desert, and I was headed back to have a training session for new adoptive parents. When I stopped at John's office, he shared with me what he had learned that morning. We were going to be several thousand dollars short at closing. We both wrestled with fear and anxiety - and if we are honest some serious rage at not having the numbers when we asked so we could be making a plan - over closing being 7 days away, and getting this news. This is when you know you have been around a mountain enough times that you really GET a Truth - when a circumstance comes, you actually react in the Truth rather than reacting to the circumstance and then having to remind yourself of the Truth! My heart didn't race, I didn't get sweaty palms, the pit started to form in my stomach, but immediately disappeared with the thought, "God has not brought us this far to leave us. He promises to never leave or forsake us. He has made clear this is the path we are to walk. Somehow, it will work." As I drove all morning and afternoon, the enemy taunted me with all kinds of thoughts, but immediately, I would remind myself and the enemy of God's faithfulness and all the promises He had given about this move. I still had NO IDEA how this was going to work, but I would simply roll it back on God and thank Him for His provision...however it came!

Well, before the day was over, I was handed a check for a few hundred dollars over what we needed for closing! When I looked at the check, I asked the generous giver if John had talked to them or something? I was very confused. They responded just as confused with a no - they had been blessed this year and wanted to bless us! I broke into the ugly cry! Not just because of the generosity of these individuals, but the fact that their gift was the provision God already knew was on the way!!!! They even shared how they were going to give it to us at a different time, but decided to give it to me that day!

Y'all, I have seen God's faithfulness over and over in my life! I mean we fed 65 children in an orphanage for over a year with no sustainable income from the program! I "get" miraculous provision....but I have never had the "here is the check" experience! I have heard the stories of God providing mysterious checks in the mail for the needed amount for other people, but I had never experienced that. It was so surreal! As I kept staring at the check, I was reminded also that when God provides, it is more than we could hope or imagine! That number that had looked so big and insurmountable a few hours ago, was now provided for plus more!

Here is what I hope encourages those reading who also need provision, God is no respecter of persons - what he does for one, he does for anyone. I have been the one reading stories like this and thinking, "yes, you did it for them, but not me." So if that was your thought while reading, let me tell you, He has a provision for you also! What I know is that on this journey, we have walked unwavering in our trust and faith like we have never done before! I have to believe that has something to do with the way God has provided. We have truly trusted - not being tossed about or double minded. I can tell you that is not usually how I walk these journeys! I usually go back and forth between trust and despair in these situations in 0-60 seconds!

There are things still trying to rob our joy and shake our confidence in this move - like closing maybe being postponed because our loan won't be ready....but God has been so faithful and provided amazing sellers for us to work with that answers come just almost immediately to the barriers! This has truly been a spiritual journey that will forever be a stone of remembrance in my spiritual life! I don't want to go back to that double minded person! And I want to encourage you if you are on the fence, God is trustworthy! Take the leap! Free fall into His plan....you will not regret it!

Our Ava, We have a diagnosis....

You are going about your day as normal. Then the phone rings. You have no idea that your world is about to change forever with what the person on the other side of the call is going to share...

That could be the scenario for many things in life. For me this week, it was the call that said, "We have the results back from Ava's testing." Next she said, "Do you have a few minutes that we could talk?" There was part of me in that moment that wanted to scream, "NO! I don't have a few minutes for you to tell me what is wrong! I don't know if I will ever have a few minutes for this conversation!" But I knew delaying the inevitable was not going to help my daughter no matter what the news was.

Bottom line, we now have an official diagnosis. Ava has Duplication 16P13.3 Syndrome. Fancy name, huh?!  Simply, it means that she has duplication on her 16th chromosome. That duplication can cause many symptoms, and it is what causes the delays and difficulties we see in Ava. It is a life long condition.

So now what? I mean, what do you do with that? I went from relief at having an answer we have searched for the last 6 years to sadness that I really had an answer. It kind of takes all denial away that you might have been hanging onto that all is well....just a minor delay here and there. But it did not take much research before I was overcome with thankfulness! As I read all that can be caused by this particular syndrome,  I thanked God that Ava has very mild symptoms! There are kidney and heart issues associated with it that we have not had to deal with. And ultimately, I just had to thank God that He knit my precious baby girl in my womb! I can honestly say the one emotion I have not had since learning about the diagnosis is fear. My God is a great big God! He knows every hair on my sweet girl's head. He made her, fearfully and wonderfully made her! As I said that scripture over and over in my head this week, I have to admit there was some confusion in my soul. Chromosomes are the knitting! They are what gives the instructions for the creating....so if the chromosome is not "normal" then did God cause that? I don't believe He causes illness. And I am not going to pretend I have the theological understanding to really even think about questions like that! But what quickly settled into my spirit was "Does it matter?" Regardless of what the answer is, does it change that God is a good God? Nope! Not one bit! So there will be no why questions from me to God. He is good all the time....even when I hear that my daughter has an abnormality in how she is knit together! It's funny. I remember when a friend found out her unborn baby had Spina Bifida. I remember asking God how to reconcile Psalm 139 with babies who are knit together in a way that we don't think of as "wonderful". I had to chuckle as I thought back on how I wrestled with that for my friend knowing now that God had me wrestling with that then because He knew what I would face now. Oh how I love Him! The conclusion that I came to and feel God inspired in me for my friend's baby is that we hear fearfully and wonderfully made as perfectly and according to the world's standard of abilities. But what He knits together is what is fearfully and wonderfully made for His kingdom! I don't believe God causes illness, and I will believe and ask God to heal Ava so that she functions on a level that the world sees as "normal", but I rest in the fact that God loves her more than I do, and He knit her together with a purpose for His Kingdom, and she has all she needs to fulfill that purpose!

As I look at Ava, I can't help but see that God did in fact knit her together amazingly! She has a joy that I don't even begin to grasp. She has a faith and a connection to the Holy Spirit that I am envious of at times. Her childlike innocence and belief in the things of God's Word makes her an amazing warrior for the kingdom! And she does not meet a stranger! She is loved everywhere she goes. This syndrome was not even discovered until 2010 (ironically, that's when we started doing our tests to see what was happening with our sweet girl!), and in 2013 only 26 cases had been documented. They now think that 1 in 150,000 births have this duplication. So what that tells me is that we now have proof that she is the rare treasure we always knew she was!

So what now? Well, Cook Children's Hospital got a few mad momma calls that day because for 2 years we have been trying to get her into a neurologist that will listen to us. But their policy says we cannot switch doctors. We have an appointment with a new neurologist in September. ;) We have to have some hard conversations about educational goals and long term goals in order to make sure financially and legally she will be provided for and cared for. Now that we have a "life long" condition diagnosis, we can go more boldly into realms that we really couldn't before to try to get her all she needs to be successful and live the best life possible. All this is a new arena for us, so we are definitely on a learning curve! But again, we trust God to bring wisdom and provide fully!

Over the last few days as I have processed all the new information, I have just stood in awe at my sweet girl! I have learned to appreciate her laugh more. I have learned to soak in her smile and the sparkle in her eyes. Its as if the diagnosis has given me permission to let her be her. I don't have to "push"  her to be what every other 10 year old girl is. I have permission to just enjoy who she is and where she is and love her for right now! And that is the best gift I could have been given!

For all who have walked this path with us, loved our sweet girl, worked with her at school and at church, prayed with us for answers, we thank you! And we appreciate you! Please don't stop praying! Now that we have a diagnosis we will be searching for ways to make sure we are doing all we can to help Ava become all she can be! We are excited about her future that we know is full of hope because of our amazing and good God! Thanks for walking with us!

The Next Faith Journey: Learning to rest in my identity

Well the journey continues! And as seems to be the case for the Petrees, it is a crazy ride! Last week we had three OFFERS in one day! We were so pumped and felt sure this was the reason for the delay! Three offers would mean a higher sales price. Well, you would think so! I think we may be the only people in history that can have three offers in one day and end up with no contract! We had one offer negotiated and were just waiting on the signed contract with the new conditions to be sent to us. Instead, 12 hours later, they decided to reduce their offer by $20,000! We had things going on that left even the buyers' realtors stunned! This all started last weekend...and the last of the three offers left the table of negotiation Friday.

There are all kinds of emotions and thoughts that go through your heart and head during a week like that! Most of them not good! However, the one that kept coming up and took me totally by surprise was fear. I mean like knots in your stomach, heart racing, fast breathing fear. Fear is not something I have ever really struggled with. I was a worrier in high school, but God really worked in me even with that at a pretty young age. You don't take two families to an African nation you have never been to yourself and navigate their legal system and the US immigration system for the first time to bring home 5 children with fear as a companion! Relying on God in circumstances like that had come even at a pretty low level of spiritual maturity for me....because it had to in order to do what God had called me to. So this feeling that would come over me several times a day had me puzzled! And looking for the cause and solution because I didn't like it!

Friday afternoon after John had let me know the last offer wasn't going to pan out either, I just cried out to God and asked if we were still supposed to move? I had been holding tight to promises and moving forward in faith crashing anything that threatened to stand in the way! But after last week, I was left thinking maybe I was crashing through so hard that I was missing God's redirection. I never want circumstances to dictate what God is telling me or allow them to be "signs" as to whether or not God is calling me to something, but at the same time, if God was putting up road blocks to keep us from a mistake, I wanted to back down and regroup. God didn't necessarily answer that cry with new words, but  He did remind me of the promises of the move..and he reminded me of sermons and different bits of information that he had provided throughout the process at times of discouragement. It was like he was reminding me that every time we faced doubt or discouragement on this journey, he had provided some little nugget that kept us moving in the right direction...kind of like the breadcrumbs left on a trail to lead us to the end! And with that I put doubt to rest. But the fact still remained we cannot move until our house sells....and our timeline for being able to move before school starts in order to have the kids in their new school at the beginning of the year is getting really tight! So why is our house not selling?!

John sent me a text not long after I had cried out to God and put doubt to rest. He was doing some things around the house, and God had spoken to him that we would have been settling. It had been very clear that the last offer would have been very difficult to deal with, and probably not where we wanted to be on price. So God just asked John, "Why do you want to settle? Why do you not want all that I have for you?" Well, that's a great question! Bottom line, we don't....but we do still have to sell our house. So we went into the weekend somewhat encouraged and looking forward to showings being booked. And yet, we had not a single showing on Saturday or Sunday....but that was ok because God had given me a revelation Saturday morning.

I listen to the sermons out of Bethel in Redding on a regular basis. I listened to a teaching Bill Johnson gave at their Kingdom Come Conference this past week. As Bill spoke, I felt like he was talking directly to me from God! More faithfully than any other time we have stood on a promise of God that was delayed in coming, this time John and I have put into practice the weapons of warfare and contended and activated faith! We have prayed as individuals and as a couple (something we struggle to do if we are totally transparent with you!). We have written scriptures down and declared them. We have literally walked around the outside of our house and prayed for the walls blocking the sale of it to fall...we have done all the spiritual disciplines in the physical to bring breakthrough in the natural. And yet, we still do not have a buyer for our house. Bill's teaching was on exactly this. He said sometimes when breakthrough doesn't come in the warring, it is because he is not trying to show you your authority, instead he is trying to show you your IDENTITY! Sometimes God wants us to just be still and let him bring the breakthrough to us as a showing of his love and a demonstration of our identity as sons and daughters of God! Talk about mind blown......

See God has told me over and over that the sell of our house would be a demonstration of his love. Without going into all my baggage of faith journeys (that would have to be a series on its own), this journey had seemed to be lining up exactly with what I felt about God's love for me....it goes something like "you will do it for others but not me", "standing on your promises brings disappointment and frustration", "walking by faith brings maturity, but I am not sure I want to be more mature anymore". But I know those are not the Truths of scripture, and I want desperately for the Truths of scripture to be my response no matter what the circumstances. I want a different thought when someone mentions God's love to cross my mind.

Operating in authority is not a problem for me. God gave me a bold personality that definitely needed sanctifying! Through the years as he has called me to speak up for children and advocate on all levels, I have learned to operate in authority from him. So when we started this journey, I had no problem praying, declaring Truths, yielding the weapons of warfare to bring about breakthrough in authority! But what Bill was talking about was a new thing! Receiving the breakthrough simply because I am God's daughter and He loves me? (He based the teaching on Jesus telling us to come to him and receive the kingdom as little children!) Now that is something I struggle with!

As I have unpacked this over the last few days, I have realized recognizing and receiving God's love is a real struggle for me. For many, that would seem odd as I had an amazing childhood. I had a wonderful father who was an amazing (and still is!) example of a father's love for his daughter! I am still a Daddy's Girl through and through. I had a mother who was involved in everything I did and made it her life's work to raise her children. However, I was teased all through school. I learned at a very young age that my value according to the world's standards was next to nothing. I struggled to feel like I had worth. That's why I graduated third in my class in high school and was first chair flute most of my high school career. I found the things I was good at and worked hard to prove my worth in those. As that little girl and emerging young woman, I had my parents there telling me every time I broke down how much I was loved and valued. They reminded me that my worth was not in my looks. I had those constant reminders of what really mattered in life! But my adult life has been a bit of a different story.

I have spent most of my adult life fighting feelings of worthlessness and feeling like I will never measure up to ________ (so many things could fill that blank!). Please understand I am not sharing this for pity or pats on the back! I am sharing because I don't think I am the only one who struggles with this in Christian circles...especially Christian women circles! And I believe God is wanting to show us something new! We have been asked to leave churches because of our ministry that God called us to. I have been unable to serve in places I felt called to serve because I was not friends with the minister's wife or the elder's wives. Struggles in marriage, failures as a parent, the list goes on and on of how the enemy has tried desperately to steal my identity and my value as a daughter of God! And honestly, he's done a darn good job of it! The thought that God would just hand me a buyer for the house and an amazing new home without me "earning" it or proving myself or fighting a battle for it is truly a foreign concept....which I am sure is why he is asking me to do it! He is doing a new thing in me!

But can I share something?! I am almost like a giddy school girl on Christmas morning as I just sit and wait to see how he lavishes His love on me through this journey! I am totally unworthy of it, and know the depths of how undeserving I am....but that's the greatest thing! Despite all of that, he wants to do it anyway!!! I know he has tilled my heart over the last few months and probably years to be ready for this lesson! It is bringing some junk to the surfaces that is not fun, but also needs to be dealt with if I am going to walk in this new identity in freedom! Can I tell you how amazing it is to just rest?! This weekend was packed! I have no idea how we would have stopped, picked up the house and left for an hour at any moment on Saturday or Sunday! When fear would start to creep in that without showings our house will not sell, I would hear this little whisper say, "But I love you! Watch what I will do!" And fear would leave, and I would find myself actually saying a prayer of thanks that we did not have a showing! I don't have this all figured out! I am still chewing on all it means and all God is showing me, but if you have been warring for breakthrough and have not seen it, can I challenge you to go to bethel.tv, buy the Salt and Light conference, and listen to this teaching! Perhaps, like me, God is not wanting you to yield your authority, but instead is wanting you to rest in your identity! He loves us! And he is wanting desperately to show us just how much!

the next faith journey! Part Two

To get the beginning, you will need to read Part 1! J

So I went to bed early that night. Really early. I kind of left everything to John that night. I never do that! I didn’t even tuck the kids in bed. I was just kind of done adulting for the day….for the week….for the year. I was frustrated. I was mad. I was sad. I was disappointed. I could feel hopelessness starting to press in again. It’s at that point that I am beginning to recognize where it all is coming from. With God there is ALWAYS hope! So when hopelessness starts, I know the enemy is at play in my mind. I had enough with-it-ness to know I had to get back in the Word if I was going to pull myself up out of the pit I was starting to sink into!

So I set the alarm for early figuring when you go to bed at 8:30, you can afford to get up at 4:00 am to spend time with Jesus. And it was true. I woke up the next morning before my alarm went off (God often does this when He wants to talk to me! And if I get up when I wake up, I usually am wide awake and not tired the rest of the day!) but the darkness was still pressing in and I just could not do it with that first alarm. Sleep did not come with the snooze of the alarm, so I got up the next time it went off. Best move I made all day!

I went into my prayer closet and this verse card hanging on the wall immediately stuck out at me!

 

I didn’t even remember writing that! But it was P.E.R.F.E.C.T. for not only that morning but the pit I had been slipping in and out of for weeks if not months! I snapped this picture and put it on my Insta account – cause you know when you do that it means it really means something! (insert sarcastic tone and wink, wink!) But actually every time someone liked it, I got a notification which brought it right back to mind. A funny thing happened mid-morning. I had a very vague memory of a house John showed me when I woke for a brief second when he came to bed the night before. I remember thinking he was smoking crack for even showing it to me and was lucky I didn’t completely unleash on him. Remember, I was not in a good frame of mind that evening! I don’t normally unleash on my husband for any reason, but I wasn’t exactly myself! So I went to my computer to see if I could find the house.

I found it. It was as bad as I remembered. But this voice said, “that’s the house!” It wasn’t an audible voice. It was in my head. It wasn’t a booming voice in my head. But the more you walk with God, the more you learn what His “voice” sounds like. You know, like when you start dating and your new beau has to say, “This is ____” when you answer the phone (ok maybe I am dating myself here, but we did not used to have phone numbers and names print out before we answered the phone!). But after a few weeks of dating, you recognize the “hello!” on the other end of the line without them having to tell you who they are. That’s kind of how it is with God’s voice too. However, it has been awhile since I’ve heard His voice like that. In fact, He had not dropped a crazy, jump-off-the-ledge faith thought like that since He asked us to take custody of Ella and DJ – 3 years ago! But as I heard that voice,  peace followed by a crazy excitement started bubbling up in my from the inside out! I recognized that feeling immediately!

I knew John was in a meeting, so I simply texted him and asked him to call me. He asked if it was an emergency. I couldn’t hold it in! I told him no, but that I was calling our realtor about the house on Country Club Road and was calling the loan officers to get approved unless he objected! You know what I got back? A text that said:
                K. In this mornings Bethel sermon I listened to it said ‘in the kingdom all lights are green until they are red and you’ll know when they are red’

And that was all the confirmation I needed! I knew we had just taken the first step into a crazy adventure! I had NO IDEA where this adventure would lead us, but I knew I felt an excitement I had not felt in a Very. Long. Time. And I knew I loved my husband more in that moment than I had in a lifetime.

Now it just sounds like a warm and fuzzy story, right. Well, let me tell you about Country Club Road! It is priced $100,000 over our budget. It is 8,122 square feet. Hold on, don’t get too excited. In that 8,122 sq ft, there are only three bedrooms! I am not sure how that happens, but it did! We need 7. I felt sure in that much room we could find a place for four more! But it gets even better (or worse however you want to look at it!) We can tell from the pictures that we would need to get it for around half and maybe even 1/3 what they are asking to be able to purchase it and do the repairs! That's crazy talk in this market! It has been for sale for almost a year, and we would later learn has been uninhabited for almost 2 years. You can see in the pictures that it all needs painted, and it’s pretty clear that most of the carpet in the house has been ripped up. I studied the pictures that day, and the kitchen is amazing  - minus the heating lamps..no joke! heating lamps!..hanging above the island – It has many built ins in the cabinets and what I am almost positive is an industrial refrigerator/freezer like the one we left in our newly remodeled kitchen in West Texas! I found a virtual tour that had pictures with descriptions, and I started planning out the bedrooms!

As that day went on, I began to feel alive again! Truly, I had a feeling of joy and just aliveness that I had not felt in years….probably since we said yes to the babies! And God spoke to me All. Day. Long!

For instance, I had to go to the store. I bought a snack to eat on the run at the deli and placed it in the cart while I loaded my car. I turned my back to put something in the car, and a black bird with beady yellow eyes jumped up on the cart and tried to eat my snack! I started yelling and waving my arms (sure that was a sight for all the other people in the parking lot!) to get him off. He just kind of looked at me, then eventually jumped off the cart onto the ground. That voice I heard earlier said, “Don’t you see! That is exactly what the enemy is doing to you! He is jumping up to steal your joy and your dreams right out from under your nose! And just like you fought that bird off, you will have to fight him off!” It was so vivid and so direct that I teared up right there in the parking lot! That voice. His Voice spoke right to my inner being! I picked up my snack and put it in the car only to return to the cart and find the beady eyed bird back up on the cart again staring at me! Again the He spoke “I have placed this seed of faith in you. The enemy will try to steal it. He will come back even when you have protected it just like the bird and your snack! Do not let him coming back be a sign that the seed is not real. Fight him off. Remind him of his reality. He is defeated. The seed of faith will grow into your dream as long as you don’t let him steal it.” Wow! Just what I needed to hear. And in that moment I decided I was walking this journey of faith with confidence until God put up a distinct red light!

That day, I learned a valuable lesson. Hearing God say “Go!” and then answering with a “Yes!” before you even know the first step makes you feel more alive than anything this world has to offer! I looked in the mirror that night and said, “Welcome back, HollyAnn! I have missed you!” And just like that, I decided to put all fear and doubt and unbelief and fear behind me and Trust! Trust I heard His voice, trust He is good, and trust I could survive the journey – no matter where it takes us! 

Alive Again...the next faith journey! Part One

I have said many times here that this has been a very dark and difficult season. I have thought several times that a light was shining and the darkness was ending. However, we have pretty well stayed in a state of crisis for the last 5 and a half years. If it was not a child in crisis, it was a parent. If it was not one of those, then there was just the very hard and overwhelming tasks of life with a family our size and the unique needs of all of our children. Add to all of that a move across the state which meant having to build new community in the middle of it, and you have the perfect recipe for dark days.

I think I did a fairly good job of navigating the storms for the first couple of  years, but the last three and a half have just been me treading water trying to keep my head from going under. Can anyone relate?! I imagine many can. I don't think this is something only John and I are facing. I hear the same stories from many saints. I think it is the dark days we live in. All hell has literally broken lose, and the enemy is most definitely roaming around seeking whom he may devour! And I have some pretty significant bit marks on my body!

But it doesn't have to be like that! I know that in my head...so why do I walk in the darkness so many days? For me, it is a slow fade. I have days where I have intense and intimate time with God. I coast on that for a few days, then the gas of that time runs out. I don't refuel. Darkness consumes me again.

Let me define my darkness for you. It is not an immediate "lights out" darkness. It starts with that one thought. "Where is God now?" or "See where walking in obedience got you?" If my guard is down and that thought takes root in my mind before I take it captive and make it obedient to what I know is true about my God and replace it with His Living Word, then the darkness slowly takes over. Before I realize it, I am in a state of depression. That makes it hard (read almost impossible) to get up that hour early to spend quality time with God. Which means no Truth going in to hold at bay the deluge of lies that come all day long! For me it looks a lot like overwhelming schedules, chaos that seems to never have order and in my mind is impossible to manage. And just like that, I am putty in the hands of the enemy.

Well, this past week, light broke through the darkness in a way it has not since we said yes to taking custody of our grand babies. For many reasons that I will have to share another time, John and I have been looking at homes with land. One of the reasons is so we can have horses. Ava has started hippo-therapy and we have found something she loves - horses! She has no fear and has found something uniquely hers that she enjoys, can do and is successful! Praise God! You don't really understand the magnitude of something like that for  a child until you have a special needs child who tries and tries everything imaginable, but just has some limitations that means success is just outside of their reach! But there are many other reasons a move is exciting - like getting back to a smaller town. We spent the first 6 years of our marriage in small communities, and we miss that extended family feel that these communities have. We also know for our kids, the opportunities in a small school district are very beneficial - while balancing that with the needs of our kiddos that have been served VERY WELL in our current district!

So what started out as looking out of curiosity of what is out there, has turned into what would appear to be our next faith journey! John and I have always done the "big things" well! It's the day to day that kills us! So we are committing to doing the day to day well while we walk out the big thing this time! It makes it all the more exciting!

I hope to be able to go back and fill in the gaps, but for now, I am just going to say that after our initial looking at properties, I laid down the idea of moving. It was kind of my desires that started the process, and with some circumstances currently and after looking at what was in our budget, I decided it must not be the right time. Now what came with that was some disappointment and maybe even a little bitterness. You see there are some BEAUTIFUL 4 bedroom homes on properties that are picture perfect that are below our budget. But when you factor in needing at least 6 and really 7 bedrooms, well, there just are not many on the market at all, and certainly not in the price range we were looking. The enemy saw the target and went right to work planting the lies that all the yes's we made to God had created a circumstance that made something my heart desired, not just for me but for my children, impossible. And so the darkness continued.

John brought moving back up. And if I am totally honest, I was just slightly peeved that he did. I had found my peace (read had settled into my bitterness about not being able to move) and was ready to gear up for another year or 2 or 8 here. You see it will be 8 years before we have another child entering high school without someone else already in high school! #thingsyoushouldneverhavetosay But there were a couple of open houses in the community that we really wanted to live on a Sunday when an employee of John's was also having a blood drive at that same community. So we decided to go take a look. Both houses were amazing and over the top gorgeous! But again, space is an issue with a family of 10! One had enough land that we could probably make work, but the house just didn't have enough space, no matter how hard I tried to make it work because it was amazing! The other house had enough space, but no land for what we are hoping to add when we move! And it was about 100,000 above our price range! #sigh There was one other house that looked like a possible fit in another community, so we went home through that route that Sunday afternoon. The community was disappointing and not what we knew we wanted to settle into. We REALLY hope this is our last move. I am looking at this as the Camp Glammy and Grumps location for the brood of grandkids we will have the pleasure of loving on in the coming years (and prayerfully sooner rather than later if we are able to be a part of Ezra and Uriah's lives!). So I went to bed pretty defeated Sunday night. I was ticked that I had started thinking about it again only to be disappointed. And I was frustrated again that we needed so much space but had such limited funds for a purchase. The darkness tried to come in a little close....but new mercies would come in the morning.