Monday, February 27, 2012

Pink or Blue?

Today is the day! We will find out if we are having a granddaughter or grandson! Well, if the little peanut cooperates, that is!

I haven't blogged much. Not because I don't have a million blog posts in my head, but because I can't seem to find the time to sit down and get them out. I am amazed by these moms of large families that blog regularly! They are obviously way better at time management and organization than I!

Today is a big day...and I have many emotions. When we started fostering, I would share with others, especially other foster moms, that I have all these new emotions and there are no files in my emotion filing cabinet to put them all nice and neatly. That is exactly how I feel this morning.

First, let me assure you since we first started this journey of grandparent-to-be, my heart has transformed for my daughter and this baby. The journey started with a lot of anger and bitterness, but one cannot stay in that place long and continue the work God has for you! I love my daughter with all my heart! We are daily trying to prepare for the baby and all that means logistically and emotionally! And I love that baby with all my heart. When I think about the baby, I get the same swell of love, protection and awe I did with my own children in the womb or waiting for me to come pick them up!

But the emotions don't stop there. Right after that is a swell of.....well, I'm not even sure of a word to describe it. There is fear which I have to continually take to the feet of Jesus and leave there. There is sadness, a heavy mourning over what could have been that I have to take to the feet of Jesus and leave there. Thinking about day to day life once the baby is here and all the new demands and potential for explosions that will come with this baby brigs a dread that I have to take to the feet of Jesus and leave there. And every once in a while in some specific situations, the anger creeps back up, and I have to take that to the feet of Jesus, repent, and leave it there!

As the day expired yesterday, I could feel the weight of today pressing down more and more. I realized while I love this baby, I still dream of what could have been and seeing a sonogram and knowing the sex is another dose of reality of how our lives are changed forever by this life. When that precious one is here and we are loving on him or her and looking into the precious eyes God made, I know all the negative stuff will pass away. But in the reality of just having to plan and prepare, I find myself not wanting to fully grasp the reality. After today, my grand baby will not be "it", as we lovingly refer to the baby around here, but will have even more of an identity. I will have to let my heart go just a little more....and there is a lot of fear in that for this situation which I do not necessarily expect anyone who has not walked this path to understand.

Wrestling through the past 4 months, I have daily had to curl up in the lap of my Savior, my Protector, my Counselor, my Friend. When I have to make all those trips to the feet of Jesus with those emotions, I don't have to go far! Simply turn to my right where he is holding my right hand (Psalm 73:23) and lay it all down! Then He tucks me under His arm and hides me in His shadow where for the moment.....I find rest!

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the LORD:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.
For he will rescue you from every trap
and protect you from deadly disease.
He will cover you with his feathers.
He will shelter you with his wings.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Psalm 91

Pray for our family today if God brings us to mind! There will be a lot of emotions for us all today. There has already been some explosions even about the appointment itself. I think those are resolved, and we have a plan for today. And today is all we are going to think about.....except, I do need a name! So if you have any suggestions for what my little peanut should call me....nothing with GRAND! I'm WAY to young for that! Let me hear them!