I have always struggled with the true meaning of John 17. In case you haven't figured it out by now, I am an analyzer! Sometimes I over analyze things, and this may be one of those times. However, this scripture has come to mind several times lately as I have struggled through different areas.
"I am no longer in the world; and yet they themselves are in the world...and the world has hated them, because they are not of this word, even as I am not of the world." John 11,14
Over the years, my struggle with the "in but not of it" truth has evolved. In my early years, especially in my legalistic thinking, it was a statement of arrogance. "I'm not one of them" I am among them because I have to be, but I am not "of " them! Reading it in full context, that is most definitely NOT what Jesus is talking about! He is talking about love, NOT pride!
Then my struggle evolved to the riches part of the world. This was particularly a struggle when we first started working in Africa. I felt guilty for having a home with running water and electricity. I felt guilty for having food on my table and a steady income. I have to live in this world because Jesus left us here, but I am not to be "of" it. What exactly does "of" it mean?! Does it mean I shouldn't embrace any of its luxuries or benefits? Does it mean I can't have fun? Does it mean I sit in solemn studious stature and meditate on The Word? As I've learned more of The Word and more of God's character, I can definitely say no to those as well! As far as enjoying the luxuries the world has to offer, well, I still struggle with that! I know the answer is in balance. But where is that balance?
I am finding my struggle with the "in" it but not "of" it has intensified the last few weeks. It has become quite an internal struggle as well, in myself, but also in my family, meaning with me, John and the kids. If you want to know how much of a bubble you have been in, bring in an older child who has seen, heard and experienced things that no child should! While I hear my friends talk about how much they are shielding their children from "the world", I realize I have brought "the world" in to live in my home. Please don't misunderstand that statement. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Isabella is meant to be in our home, and I am so thankful every day that God delivered me from fear so that I could take this journey and say yes to adding her to our family. She is AMAZING! Truly, amazing!
But by no fault of her own, she has not only been in the world, but she has been all about the world! What motivates her, what makes her happy, her interaction with friends and others, it is all wrapped in the lies of this world. It is all based on the lies spewed by the Father of Lies who rules this earth. It is based on the things that will kill, steal and destroy! But he is a master liar! He makes it all look so good. I am finding it so difficult to "argue" with what satan makes look so appealing.
I know the Truth! I know where the low road will lead and where the high road will lead. But I also know that I can't make the decision to take the high road for any of my children! Oh that I could!
I can "make" my children obey my rules! I can take away all privileges until they get the picture that it is my way or they highway! I am not a parent who will ever say as many did to me when I was teaching 6th grade, "I've tried everything and nothing seems to work." I know how to get their attention. However, I don't want to just get their attention, I want to transform their heart!
You see, I can make them act the way I want them to, but that truly is not my goal! My goal is to build warriors for God's kingdom. That means they have to understand the cost and choose to do it anyway. That means that somewhere in side of themselves, they have to value the ways of God over the ways of this world. Somewhere inside of them they have to understand that what looks like denying themselves pleasure or what looks like hard right now, in the end will bring more pleasure than anything this world has to offer and will make life easier!
But how to do I get them there, especially one who has been soaked in the world for 15 years, and I have a short 3 to totally turn it around? It makes my head and heart hurt!
As I sit down to spend time with God today, that is my question for Him. What now? Honeymoon is over, and real life is here. What boundaries do I put in place to keep my children safe even if they don't understand, and what freedoms do I give because too many boundaries will only produce rebellion. I love Karyn Purvis' analogy of the horse. You pull back on the reigns slightly and they stop. You pull back a little harder and they back up. You pull back even harder and they buck! I need some stopping and some backing up, but bucking is not proving to be beneficial!
God, I'm here again with the same question for different reasons! How do I teach my children to have a heart for you? When the world is so tempting, how do I keep their eyes on you? How do I take my daughter who has been taught all the wrong ways and show her the right ways without crushing her? How hard do I push? When do I back off? God, I ask forgiveness for avoiding You myself and backing up from You because I didn't want the internal struggle of flesh verses Holy! But as I told one of my children last night, I would rather be lame and Holy than worldly and popular. Help me be a strong example to my children, especially to my girls of how You want Your daughters to look and act. Stoke my heart's fire for you so that my love for You is evident in my every word, action and thought towards my children. Protect my children from the enemy! Bind him from our home. We belong to You and we will have children who love You and live for Your kingdom purposes! Thank you for your promise that Your Word never returns void. Thank you for the assurance that even as my daughters study Your word in the morning and by afternoon seem to have forgotten it, I know the Truth that You will use those seeds in their lives! Holy Spirit, speak to me words of wisdom as I deal with each of these situations with my children. Give me words of love and discipline that lead them to You and not push them away from me and You. In Jesus Name ~Amen!
Honestly, how do people parent without the wisdom of the Holy Spirit? So thankful for my relationship with God as we walk this journey called parenting! Can't imagine how badly I would mess it up without Him!
Friday, January 21, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Parenting children from hard places
We've entered a new realm. Parenting children from hard places, even when you have had them since birth, is becoming more and more challenging as these children grow older. But I'm finding the challenge isn't them as much as it is me!
We had an interesting experience today. It was a first. It took me off guard. I didn't handle it like I wish I would have. I know many of you will find this hard to believe, but I was way too passive! I would have said way more if I had not been in shock at the time.
But there is fall out from the incident. Fall out that we as a family have to address. It's not fun! It puts me in a place where I have to deny my child the excuse of his/her past. I find myself saying over and over these days (with more than one child) that I know where you came from, but I am more concerned with where you are going. I know what they hear is that I don't love them because they don't care how hard it has been or still is. When what I am saying is, I love you so much I want better for you! When I want to sit and cry with them and just hold them and tell them I'm sorry and I don't want things to be hard for them anymore! Instead, I have to push them to try harder. I have to push them to overcome. Which in its own way is once again making life hard for them. It seems like a vicious circle. It's not that I don't care! It's that I care so much!
I remember watching an interview one time with the mother of a then adult woman who was missing her arms. She had lost them in an electrical accident as a young child. I remember the mother talking about how right after the accident her husband and she knew that they couldn't give into the disability. They had to be strong to make her strong. She talked about watching their daughter trying to do ordinary things and failing time and time again. But the mother didn't jump in and do them for her. Instead, she would leave the room and lock herself in her room and cry and scream because her daughter was struggling! Her daughter never knew this until she was an adult. But because the mother and father had chosen to allow the daughter to learn to deal with her disability without making excuses or even accommodations for it in most instances, the woman with no arms was a fully functioning member of society.
I don't have children with missing body parts, but I have children with missing heart parts! I feel like that mother right now. I can't allow them to use their missing heart parts as a disability...life won't care that they had a rough start! They have to learn how to successfully navigate life regardless of their start! But I find myself more and more wanting to go in my closet and scream and kick and cry out to God, "WHY?!!!! WHY did you not let them grow in my womb?! Why must they have suffered the way they did in the beginning?! Why do I have to clean up the mess that other adults have left in their lives?"
I know I will never know why! We live in a fallen world. Yes, God is sovereign. He could have stopped all the bad things that happened to each of them with the wiggle of His nose. But He didn't. I will never understand that in my human inability to understand God's ways. But I also know it breaks His heart just as much as it does mine! He grieves their losses more than even I as their momma does. My job...well, my job is to teach them that about Him! My biggest fear in parenting these children is that when they really deal with all that has happened, they will turn their back on God because He could have stopped it.
How do I teach them, Lord? How do I teach them the agape love that you have for them despite what has happened to them? How do I teach them to value character over comfort? How do I teach them in this selfish society to value Your worthiness to receive honor over their "rights"?
I wish they understood how much I feel their pain, but because I love them more than life itself, I can't stay in the pain - and I can't let them stay there either! God has placed them in our home because He desires far more beyond all they could think or ask of Him (Eph 3:20-21). My daily prayer is that I will find the appropriate balance between love and expectation to put them on the path out of their past and into the future full of hope and prosperity that God promises them in Jeremiah 29:11. Today I don't think I did that. Today I think I failed. I will apologize. I will ask forgiveness. I will get up in the morning and start a new day with new mercies and try to do better.
But one thing is for sure. No matter how hard. No matter how many times I may think I am in over my head, I wouldn't miss out on this journey with any of these children for the world! They are so worth it! I'm just not sure why God entrusted such amazing little people to a wreck like me! But this wreck will fight every day of her life to be all that God intends for me to be in the lives of these, His children!
We had an interesting experience today. It was a first. It took me off guard. I didn't handle it like I wish I would have. I know many of you will find this hard to believe, but I was way too passive! I would have said way more if I had not been in shock at the time.
But there is fall out from the incident. Fall out that we as a family have to address. It's not fun! It puts me in a place where I have to deny my child the excuse of his/her past. I find myself saying over and over these days (with more than one child) that I know where you came from, but I am more concerned with where you are going. I know what they hear is that I don't love them because they don't care how hard it has been or still is. When what I am saying is, I love you so much I want better for you! When I want to sit and cry with them and just hold them and tell them I'm sorry and I don't want things to be hard for them anymore! Instead, I have to push them to try harder. I have to push them to overcome. Which in its own way is once again making life hard for them. It seems like a vicious circle. It's not that I don't care! It's that I care so much!
I remember watching an interview one time with the mother of a then adult woman who was missing her arms. She had lost them in an electrical accident as a young child. I remember the mother talking about how right after the accident her husband and she knew that they couldn't give into the disability. They had to be strong to make her strong. She talked about watching their daughter trying to do ordinary things and failing time and time again. But the mother didn't jump in and do them for her. Instead, she would leave the room and lock herself in her room and cry and scream because her daughter was struggling! Her daughter never knew this until she was an adult. But because the mother and father had chosen to allow the daughter to learn to deal with her disability without making excuses or even accommodations for it in most instances, the woman with no arms was a fully functioning member of society.
I don't have children with missing body parts, but I have children with missing heart parts! I feel like that mother right now. I can't allow them to use their missing heart parts as a disability...life won't care that they had a rough start! They have to learn how to successfully navigate life regardless of their start! But I find myself more and more wanting to go in my closet and scream and kick and cry out to God, "WHY?!!!! WHY did you not let them grow in my womb?! Why must they have suffered the way they did in the beginning?! Why do I have to clean up the mess that other adults have left in their lives?"
I know I will never know why! We live in a fallen world. Yes, God is sovereign. He could have stopped all the bad things that happened to each of them with the wiggle of His nose. But He didn't. I will never understand that in my human inability to understand God's ways. But I also know it breaks His heart just as much as it does mine! He grieves their losses more than even I as their momma does. My job...well, my job is to teach them that about Him! My biggest fear in parenting these children is that when they really deal with all that has happened, they will turn their back on God because He could have stopped it.
How do I teach them, Lord? How do I teach them the agape love that you have for them despite what has happened to them? How do I teach them to value character over comfort? How do I teach them in this selfish society to value Your worthiness to receive honor over their "rights"?
I wish they understood how much I feel their pain, but because I love them more than life itself, I can't stay in the pain - and I can't let them stay there either! God has placed them in our home because He desires far more beyond all they could think or ask of Him (Eph 3:20-21). My daily prayer is that I will find the appropriate balance between love and expectation to put them on the path out of their past and into the future full of hope and prosperity that God promises them in Jeremiah 29:11. Today I don't think I did that. Today I think I failed. I will apologize. I will ask forgiveness. I will get up in the morning and start a new day with new mercies and try to do better.
But one thing is for sure. No matter how hard. No matter how many times I may think I am in over my head, I wouldn't miss out on this journey with any of these children for the world! They are so worth it! I'm just not sure why God entrusted such amazing little people to a wreck like me! But this wreck will fight every day of her life to be all that God intends for me to be in the lives of these, His children!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
The Journey: Final Hearing
Today is the final hearing for Baby Girl. Today should be the day that we know she will be ours forever. I say "should be" because you never know how these things are truly going to go. If I've learned anything from this journey with CPS, it's to never assume anything!
Last week we received a text message from Baby Girl's biological mother saying that Baby Girl would be ours forever because she was going to sign papers to terminate her rights. I didn't jump up and down like you might think. I didn't for two reasons. First, she has said she would do that before and then backed out. So until the papers are signed, I'm not getting overly confident that they will be signed. Second, even though it means the little girl who I love as my daughter will remain with me forever, it also means that a mother who carried this baby in her womb for 9 months is having to let go forever. Regardless of the circumstances, that makes me sad. It makes me sad that we live in a fallen world where parents are not always able or willing, whatever the case may be, to care for their biological children.
We have known about this court date for weeks, months really. After our last court, CPS told us they could possibly change the plan to reunification which you understand raised many alarms. I made some phone calls and was assured that all would go well and Baby Girl would remain with us. But now, the day before court, people who are key witnesses for the case still haven't received their letters to be at court. Baby Girl's attorney, who is better than most as he actually did a home visit yesterday, wasn't familiar enough with the facts of the case to really discuss the possible outcomes with us when he was here yesterday. So while I'm really not nervous about our case because God has given me confidence for months that Baby Girl would be ours in the end, I am very frustrated and border line angry that people who hold the future of a child in their hands really aren't concerned with the details that could determine where this child grows up for life! I can't help but think these children deserve better! But how do we make "better" happen?
This morning I am praying and trusting that God will have the people there who need to be there. Praying that He will give me the words I need to say when I am on the stand. I'm not excited about that part at all! This is when having a relationship with the biological family is so hard. I don't want to talk bad about her biological mother even if it is true. I don't want to damage a relationship we might have with her. There is another baby on the way. What if we could help in some way to inspire her to make permanent changes that would allow this baby to stay with her? Could what I say this morning damage that? Wasn't really thrilled that he said he would put me on the stand, but on the other hand, will do anything for my children!
This has been a trust journey from the beginning and will be to the end! So here we go! Trusting and obeying...seems to be my motto these days!
Last week we received a text message from Baby Girl's biological mother saying that Baby Girl would be ours forever because she was going to sign papers to terminate her rights. I didn't jump up and down like you might think. I didn't for two reasons. First, she has said she would do that before and then backed out. So until the papers are signed, I'm not getting overly confident that they will be signed. Second, even though it means the little girl who I love as my daughter will remain with me forever, it also means that a mother who carried this baby in her womb for 9 months is having to let go forever. Regardless of the circumstances, that makes me sad. It makes me sad that we live in a fallen world where parents are not always able or willing, whatever the case may be, to care for their biological children.
We have known about this court date for weeks, months really. After our last court, CPS told us they could possibly change the plan to reunification which you understand raised many alarms. I made some phone calls and was assured that all would go well and Baby Girl would remain with us. But now, the day before court, people who are key witnesses for the case still haven't received their letters to be at court. Baby Girl's attorney, who is better than most as he actually did a home visit yesterday, wasn't familiar enough with the facts of the case to really discuss the possible outcomes with us when he was here yesterday. So while I'm really not nervous about our case because God has given me confidence for months that Baby Girl would be ours in the end, I am very frustrated and border line angry that people who hold the future of a child in their hands really aren't concerned with the details that could determine where this child grows up for life! I can't help but think these children deserve better! But how do we make "better" happen?
This morning I am praying and trusting that God will have the people there who need to be there. Praying that He will give me the words I need to say when I am on the stand. I'm not excited about that part at all! This is when having a relationship with the biological family is so hard. I don't want to talk bad about her biological mother even if it is true. I don't want to damage a relationship we might have with her. There is another baby on the way. What if we could help in some way to inspire her to make permanent changes that would allow this baby to stay with her? Could what I say this morning damage that? Wasn't really thrilled that he said he would put me on the stand, but on the other hand, will do anything for my children!
This has been a trust journey from the beginning and will be to the end! So here we go! Trusting and obeying...seems to be my motto these days!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Gifts for Service
Each of you has been blessed with one of God's many wonderful gifts to be used in the service of others. So use your gift well. 1 Peter 4:10 CEV
God took me to this verse last night. It was one of those times He has me pick up a book that I haven't picked up in awhile and read something only to find a verse that hit exactly where I am struggling! Love it when He does that! Reminds me how personal He is and that He cares about me - and you - as an individual and not just one of his ants in the army!
While this verse is encouraging, it is also very challenging for me these days...which is why I was seeking God in the first place!
You see, I am in one of those places where I know the direction God has given. I really have not doubt. I can say I need to pray more, but it would just be an excuse to procrastinate on obedience! I know God is telling me to get busy on the agency. He is telling me to get the policies written for the domestic program to start. Every time I start questioning whether I need to do that right now, He brings another friend struggling to adopt through the system or another situation where I know we could help if we had our license. I wrestle with God saying now can't be the time! I have 6 kids and am expecting number 7! I have NEVER done the working mom thing very well as I refuse to put my kids in day care. Just a personal conviction, I pass no judgement here! In fact, sometimes I admire people who do that and are devoted to their job! But then I admire the moms who have nothing to distract them from mommy duties like baking cookies or playing board games! I am finding that I am an all or nothing type person. That doesn't work very well for a working-stay-at-home-mother! I don't do well with schedules. I've never been organized, just an organized-want-a-be. I don't do well with boundaries, especially where people are concerned. I'm not a very good self-starter. And to top it all off, I feel totally inadequate to run an agency.
Those don't make for a very good executive director! But this scripture reminds me that God has gifted me! When I read it last night, it was as if He was speaking to me in an audible voice! "HollyAnn, I have giving you gifts. You have knowledge that can be of service to others as they walk the path of adoption I am calling them to. I didn't give you these gifts to puff you up, make you rich or famous, but I gave them to you so that you can serve my people as they answer me and walk in obedience." That got me excited! Too bad it happened at 10 when I knew I needed to go to bed!
However, it carried over to this morning! It's time to quit belly-aching about what God is asking me to do and time to walk in obedience! Time to quit comparing myself to those around me as God has a different calling for them than He does me...that's how THE BODY works! If we were all a big toe, The Body would be really crippled and non-functioning! Time to put he self-doubt behind me. Time to let this scripture move me to action!
Lately, I haven't been motivated to do much of anything. This pregnancy is kicking my tail! I am now in my second trimester which is supposed to be the best, right?! WRONG! As soon as the second trimester came, the nausea double, the fatigue tripled and my blood pressure shot up! After multiple trips to the doctor and several reminders of my "advanced maternal age" - ughhhh - I think we have these things under control. If I cross your mind, would you pray for my physical health. It is really hard to get motivated to do anything when you are so nauseous that moving makes you think you will throw up! Then I get frustrated, then depressed and it just seems to be one big cycle! I wonder how much of it is a spiritual attack. I don't want to look for a demon under every rock as the saying goes, but I also know how much the enemy has to lose if I get my act together and have and agency ready to think outside the box to serve families and children to bring them together for His kingdom work. I must do battle! I must put on my armor and fight to do more than just stay alive....I must cling to scriptures like 1 Peter 4:10 and Ephesians 3:20-21 and fight back with the enemy so that he knows whose boss!
So for today, I will set a schedule that will allow me to work! There will be set times that will be dedicated to the agency. Even if that means evenings when John is home or the Fridays that he is off, God will show the way!
I would covet your prayers! This is totally out of my comfort zone! The last time I worked the agency part-full time we only had four children. We closed the orphanage right after Madison came. Mothering 6, carrying one, and trying to build a program brings all new challenges, but God has called, so God will equip! He has proven Himself faithful in that area to me time and again, so I should not doubt He will do it again! I just have to get back in the saddle and ride! Yee-Haw! :)
God took me to this verse last night. It was one of those times He has me pick up a book that I haven't picked up in awhile and read something only to find a verse that hit exactly where I am struggling! Love it when He does that! Reminds me how personal He is and that He cares about me - and you - as an individual and not just one of his ants in the army!
While this verse is encouraging, it is also very challenging for me these days...which is why I was seeking God in the first place!
You see, I am in one of those places where I know the direction God has given. I really have not doubt. I can say I need to pray more, but it would just be an excuse to procrastinate on obedience! I know God is telling me to get busy on the agency. He is telling me to get the policies written for the domestic program to start. Every time I start questioning whether I need to do that right now, He brings another friend struggling to adopt through the system or another situation where I know we could help if we had our license. I wrestle with God saying now can't be the time! I have 6 kids and am expecting number 7! I have NEVER done the working mom thing very well as I refuse to put my kids in day care. Just a personal conviction, I pass no judgement here! In fact, sometimes I admire people who do that and are devoted to their job! But then I admire the moms who have nothing to distract them from mommy duties like baking cookies or playing board games! I am finding that I am an all or nothing type person. That doesn't work very well for a working-stay-at-home-mother! I don't do well with schedules. I've never been organized, just an organized-want-a-be. I don't do well with boundaries, especially where people are concerned. I'm not a very good self-starter. And to top it all off, I feel totally inadequate to run an agency.
Those don't make for a very good executive director! But this scripture reminds me that God has gifted me! When I read it last night, it was as if He was speaking to me in an audible voice! "HollyAnn, I have giving you gifts. You have knowledge that can be of service to others as they walk the path of adoption I am calling them to. I didn't give you these gifts to puff you up, make you rich or famous, but I gave them to you so that you can serve my people as they answer me and walk in obedience." That got me excited! Too bad it happened at 10 when I knew I needed to go to bed!
However, it carried over to this morning! It's time to quit belly-aching about what God is asking me to do and time to walk in obedience! Time to quit comparing myself to those around me as God has a different calling for them than He does me...that's how THE BODY works! If we were all a big toe, The Body would be really crippled and non-functioning! Time to put he self-doubt behind me. Time to let this scripture move me to action!
Lately, I haven't been motivated to do much of anything. This pregnancy is kicking my tail! I am now in my second trimester which is supposed to be the best, right?! WRONG! As soon as the second trimester came, the nausea double, the fatigue tripled and my blood pressure shot up! After multiple trips to the doctor and several reminders of my "advanced maternal age" - ughhhh - I think we have these things under control. If I cross your mind, would you pray for my physical health. It is really hard to get motivated to do anything when you are so nauseous that moving makes you think you will throw up! Then I get frustrated, then depressed and it just seems to be one big cycle! I wonder how much of it is a spiritual attack. I don't want to look for a demon under every rock as the saying goes, but I also know how much the enemy has to lose if I get my act together and have and agency ready to think outside the box to serve families and children to bring them together for His kingdom work. I must do battle! I must put on my armor and fight to do more than just stay alive....I must cling to scriptures like 1 Peter 4:10 and Ephesians 3:20-21 and fight back with the enemy so that he knows whose boss!
So for today, I will set a schedule that will allow me to work! There will be set times that will be dedicated to the agency. Even if that means evenings when John is home or the Fridays that he is off, God will show the way!
I would covet your prayers! This is totally out of my comfort zone! The last time I worked the agency part-full time we only had four children. We closed the orphanage right after Madison came. Mothering 6, carrying one, and trying to build a program brings all new challenges, but God has called, so God will equip! He has proven Himself faithful in that area to me time and again, so I should not doubt He will do it again! I just have to get back in the saddle and ride! Yee-Haw! :)
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