I am the mother of multiple children with mental health issues. Because of the last 5 years of parenting them and their mental health, I now battle depression and anxiety as well. I would like to share with you my experience over the last five weeks with those in your profession....It started with a meltdown that would result in a 7 day inpatient stay.
During the intake we told our story no less than 6 times. Each time I could feel myself sinking a little lower in my seat as I told our family story. I felt guilty for having a child with a terminal illness. I felt guilty for having a child move out to go to college. I felt guilty for providing help for a child who had been estranged from the family for years.
Worker: "Have you had any major trauma in your family in the last year?"
My husband and I: "No, we have had a fairly calm year compared to the last 5 or 6."
What for most people might feel like trauma for us has become day to day life. We don't mean to minimize what we or our kids go through, but we also can't sit and dwell in it! None of us would survive if we did!
Worker: "Has anyone moved in or out of the home? Have you had any additions to the family or deaths?"
Me: "Our oldest daughter in the home moved out to go to college in the fall."
My husband: "Our oldest son had to leave the home to get some professional help for three months at the beginning of the year, so that was a loss for a time."
Me: "Well, we also had our oldest daughter move in with us for three weeks with her three kids after being estranged for nearly five years. I mean, that was a great blessing for our family to be back in contact.....but I guess that is trauma?!"
I respond sheepishly. Oh, and let's not forget that we received a terminal diagnosis of our middle daughter just 8 months ago that we along with all our children are still processing!
Heck! Just save a wing for us! I'm headed home to get the entire family and bring them back! We all need a stay here!
I didn't say that, but I wanted to in response to the look the young worker gave me as she put her pencil down and looked up at me and said, "Wow! That is a lot of trauma! It is amazing you are still standing!"
And so that almost exact dialogue would play out with each professional we would talk to over the next few hours - finally leaving the hospital exhausted and defeated in the wee hours of the morning the next day.
We would return for visitation and family therapy. Family therapy would consist of much the same thing. I am a professional who trains parents in trauma informed care. There is not much the 20 something young ladies sitting across from me are going to provide me in a professional setting that I do not already know. The one thing I asked for each time was - I need providers!!! I need a good therapist! I need a good psychiatrist!
In her defense, I am sure she was trying to make me feel better. But continually being told that "you have a lot on your plate" while your family is in crisis makes it hard to not start questioning if you really are enough?! Each session was the same. The look of pity mixed with judgement. A list of possible resources that in the end either did not take my insurance or had no openings, or would require over an hour drive one way each week. You are the one who just told me I have a lot on my plate, what makes you think I can add a four hour therapy trip per week to that plate?!
We discharge without clear answers but determined parents. I take off work because it is the first week of summer and that transition from school to summer is always a hard one for our kids. I know this because I have lived with them for the last 6-17 years. I did not read that in a book about my children. So when talking to me about my child, please listen to know that I do have some insight that I am giving you that is unique to my family and will not be found in any book you read in college or since.
We set our schedule and have a better rhythm than we have ever started summer with. But before the week is up we are back in the hospital. This time there is not a bed, and I am literally in the hospital with my child for 24 hours before they are able to admit her. I have been fighting an upper respiratory infection for 10 days. I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. But I am smiling and playing UNO with my child because that is what my child needs from me! I am doing it because I am enough!
With this 7 day stay, we had two different family therapists. The first one told us not to do what the one from our last stay had told us to do. Yes, we were in the same facility! Yes, we are in crisis! Yes, I was frustrated! Please be sure all of you on the same treatment team are consistent. Make sure you have inner-team communication! It is vital for the mental health of parents and caregivers!
The second family therapist we had (and if you are counting closely, this is actually our third family therapist in three weeks in the same program) was very helpful and truly tried her best. She gave us some helpful resources and even some practical tools. However each visit, she talked about how we just had so many kids and the chaos of so many kids was just not good for this child. Again and again, I had to hear how my home was just not providing the right atmosphere.
I am a professional. I have to tell families the same things sometimes. So I get it. And I tried very hard to hear what she was saying without taking it personally. But hearing it time and again knowing I had taken off work, I had put structure in place more than ever before, yet I was told at each visit that I had missed the mark - I was told each time that by the very nature and structure of my family I would never be enough.
Fast forward 6 more days. My child is home. We are implementing the plan we put in place at discharge. Well, not exactly because we were told there was transportation that actually ended up not being a thing. So I am driving three hours a day to get my child to and from a program as an intensive outpatient program. I am doing this while still trying to meet the emotional needs of all my other children as well. At this point I am beyond exhausted!
I am beginning to hear the voice of the therapist in my head again! "With that many kids...." And what exactly do I do about "that many kids" now?! Would you like to take some home to see if you can do a better job? Would you like to hire a full time Nanny in order to help ease some of the load and provide another adult to give care?! There are still 7,000 kids just in Texas who have no family - this child could still be one of them! But instead this child has a family who is working to help and provide and love and nurture!
Can I do it? How do I sustain this long term? Can I provide all my kids need?I open the door to grab my calendar to schedule one more appointment, and this cup falls out. Ironically, it is from our Mother's Day sermon at church just a few weeks ago. I can't see all the words, but I know what it says... "you are
enough" The cup blurs through the tears as I bend over to pick it up. Right there in the parking lot, I am reminded that I am enough.
All am I am asking is that in a field where you are trained to provide mental health awareness and care, make sure you are giving a stronger message than the cups falling out of cars! Take into consideration the mental health of the person you are talking to as well as the patient! Can you remember that none of us live in a perfect world! Can you hear our stories? I mean really listen and not simply put us into cookie cutter, check the box forms?
If you could, it would mean the world to me because to my child, I am her world. And I while I am not perfect, I am enough. If you could just do as a mental health professional what a cup rolling out of my car was able to do, this mother would be ever so grateful!
Sincerely,
One Weary Momma of a Precious Child with Mental Health Struggles
