The Journey: Saying Good-Bye

Today has been an emotional day! I am packing up B-Man's items. He is moving to a new foster home tomorrow. We knew all along that B-man would probably not be our permanently, but knowing that and the reality of letting him go are two different things!

It's all about numbers. Frustrates me. Its not that I don't totally understand, but I also am frustrated that the "system" can't look at individual cases and see what is best for a child. He is being reunited with a brother, but B-man doesn't know that is his brother. He just knows that I am his mom and my kids are his siblings. There is now way to explain to a baby that they are "foster"! We have a baby who has gone from stiff as a board when you hold him, no molding whatsoever, to a baby who hid his face in my chest last night to play peek-a-boo! We have gone from a baby who never cried to one that cries all the time. In attachment lingo that means we have a baby who has found his voice because he knows someone will hear him and respond.

I spoke to his new foster home this morning. They are wonderful. He will be loved and cared for. But it won't be me rocking him to sleep at night are sitting on the couch with him at night when he wakes up and just wants to be held! I won't get to see that smile that lights up the world anymore. I won't hear that giggle that makes even the hardest of hearts giggle with him!

We knew this day was coming ever since we started the process to adopt Princess M! We knew bringing her home would put us over the number of children for a regular foster home. Because we are a group home, we can only have 3 children ages 5 and under. We have 4. They gave us a waiver, but it expires January 7. In some ways, I know God has been preparing my heart for this day, but I don't think there is anyway to totally prepare for letting go of a child you love as your own!

His biological mom called me this morning asking me to please take the brother so that they would leave B-man here with us. I explained that we can't legally do that.

There is a chance that mom will get them back in January. So it could be that both these boys are being moved to a new placement for just a few weeks. Why? That seems ridiculous and damaging! I was ready to fight...I was ready to ask when does the child's best interest come into play? But God silenced me. For those who know me well, you know how hard it is for me not to fight an injustice! Ripping a child who has just learned to bond from the attachments he has made is an injustice!

But God sees the big picture. He knows the things I will never know. So when he told me not to fight, I began the process of letting go. Still not sure what that looks like. Thought I was doing well until today when I started packing his things. Haven't even put make up on because there is no use. The tears would wash it off.

God keeps saying, "Trust and obey, just trust and obey!" Trust. The hardest thing for me to do since Eden didn't come home! Once again I find myself saying goodbye to a child. Seems like I do that a lot! I don't care how many times I have to do it, I. DON'T. LIKE. IT.

I fell in love. I loved him like he would be with me forever. I took the risk. Was it worth it? Not on the surface! But spiritual journeys don't stop on the surface. We obeyed. We may never know "why" he was with us for three months. But we took him when God said take him. And we are letting him go when God says let him go! And I am trusting God with him. That sounds crazy that I would even question trusting God, but that is what it came down to! Do I trust that God loves him more than I ever can? Do I trust that God will fill the whole in my heart that will be there when he leaves? After years of walking in doubt, I am so grateful to say, YES! I trust God with all that!

Then there is the whole hurt of my children! All the voices that asked why we would put our kids through this come back loud and clear. None of them are happy about having to let B-man go! Ava has asked all day why he can't stay with us and why am I packing up his clothes. No matter what I say to her, she says, "But I love him!" How do you explain what you don't understand yourself to a four year old? But they have to learn to trust and obey also! Have we done them a disservice by asking them to care for a child who needed a family even though we now have to let him go? Absolutely not! They have learned to love the least of these! And I believe they are changed for eternity because of it!

I say a prayer for him with each piece of clothing I lay in the suitcase. I pray that God's plan for his life will play out to it's fullest! I pray protection over him as his future is so uncertain. I pray that he will land in a safe, permanent home where he will have the help he needs to progress normally despite his current physical delays.

I thank God that I knew this little bundle of joy that will forever be a part of our family! I thank God that he has taught me once again that he will hold my hand through good times and bad! I am thankful that he has a good home to go to and I am able to talk to them and tell them the little things about him that will make his transition (and theirs) easier!

Some have asked what I thought about fostering. Here is the part I had never had to do yet...let go! So what do I think now? I think that fostering to adopt is an amazing thing! I am so grateful for the baby girl who is in my home because of foster to adopt that will be ours forever in just a few months! But I also think that fostering just for the sake of fostering is not my calling! I am so thankful there are people who are called strictly to fostering! We need them!!! But to bring children in and work with the system just so I can let kids go and bring in other ones, is not my heart. This is killing me. I invest in children for life. To have them removed and not be able to continue to pour into them, well, it hurts. I don't like it.

Would we do it again? I've learned enough through the years to not say no! But I also know that this season of our lives is coming to a close. We have too many kids in the home to take little ones and God is calling us to serve these children in another way...through Addy's Hope. God has given us four amazing children in the past year. He is taking one. We are still blessed! But for now, our quiver is full. We will let go of B-man tomorrow and let him go into whatever God has for him in the future. And I will love on the six that will remain with the one being knit in my womb and thank God for each and every moment I get to spend with each of them! For as He continues to teach me, no matter how my children come, they are not mine, they are His! He just entrusts them to me to teach them and train them to be soldiers for His Army! When my time in their life is up, He will take them. He is sovereign. I trust that He knows what is best for each of my children. I trust that He has a bigger picture that I can't see. I trust that in some small way, our loving and letting go of B-man will bring him glory! Because really, bringing Him glory is my ultimate goal!

So good-bye, B-man! Or maybe, till later! We will forever love you and hold you close to our hearts in prayer! And I don't care what the doctors say....one day, I'm going to hear your name on a pro-football team roster! :) You prove them all wrong Big Guy! This momma will always love you and believe in you! God bless your life! I am blessed to have been a part of it...even if only for a few months!