God is good yesterday, today and tomorrow!

Ok, Michelle, here is the post for another time I mentioned in Abundantly More that you asked for! :)

I am not really sure when the beliefs started or if they have always been there. I know my legalistic background and black and white nature definitely fed the beliefs. I can look back on two major faith walks...the first two really big things I heard God say "do this", and I obeyed. Neither one of them had "happily ever after" endings! Not sure if that is when it started or they just solidified beliefs that were already there. I know the day Eden's tiny arms and body that was burning up with fever were ripped from my neck...the day I looked into her eyes and said, "I will be back in three days to get you"...believing it with everything I had in me...that day and the days that followed that have turned into years that I was not able to keep that promise was the beginning of a belief that kept me from believing God is good to me.

It wasn't that I didn't believe God is good. I did. You can't stand on the Bible as true and not believe on some level that He is good. You can't continue to follow Him and not believe on some leve He is good. And that is where it stopped for me. I would read the scriptures that talked about the righteous being rewarded or those who believed in Him not being disappointed, and I would literally write in my margins biting comments like "really?" or "doesn't seem like that to me". Showing you my really mature side here! Let me add that I could believe those versus for you! I could believe them for anyone but me.

I will never forget the overwhelming feeling of being "overlooked" by God on that first trip to Liberia when two precious families were able to bring home their newly adopted children. I know that all the work I had done on Eden's adoption, the hours of research, talking on the phone to the Embassy, etc, etc had prepared me for the work I had done that had united these two families with their children. But throughout that entire trip, there was an ache in my heart! There was a bitterness toward God. Why couldn't I have learned all this AND Eden come home in the end? Why did I not get to bring my brown baby girl home while these families got to benefit from my pain? To make matters worse, I had left my 11 month old baby at home (which was soooooo hard!) to make the trip to make sure all was well for these families! In those few days I truly came to believe that it was my lot in life to suffer so others could be blessed. There was another walk of obedience I was on that is too personal to share here, but it also reinforced this lie the enemy was using to demolish my trust and faith in God. It was a slow decay, but I know these events were setting the stage for the enemy to try to steal, kill and destroy my faith and trust in God.

I knew for the past 7 years this was happening on some level, but it was like I didn't know how to stop the decay! I continued to walk with God and follow His voice...and there were many more "disappointments" with few victories in those walks. Hebrews 11 became my life anthem as I asked God over and over WHY?! Why did these men and women "not receive what was promised?" (Hebrews 11:39) Why did some receive back their dead while others were stoned, sawn in two, put to death, destitute, etc, etc? I just resolved myself to be in that last category and decided I probably needed to just learn how to live in that place. But then I would read things like Mark 11 where if I believe I can cast a mountain into a sea, and if I ask believing I have received it and it will be given to me. Why was that not true of my prayers? Where was that truth in my life?

I am really not sure when it all turned around. I know I still struggle...which is the real reason for this post today! I know when we found our current church, a whole new level of belief opened because I understood more about the Holy Spirit and who He is in our lives. I understood more about power and how previously I wasn't operating with all the power available to me. I don't fully understand how all that plays into my past 7 years...or my past 27 as a Christian for that matter. But this I know, God wants us to always be learning more about Him and believing Him for Who He is and what He says!

Last year was one of the toughest of my life. I blogged about some but not all the struggles. I have questioned my obedience to God more in the last year than in my entire life! Not out of a "are you real God?" questioning, but out of a "I know you had to overestimate what I can handle" type of questioning. I have said before that when I think I have found the end of myself, God takes me one level lower....that has been true on just about a daily basis the last year.

As I began to pray toward the end of 2011 about the coming new year, God gave me Deuteronomy 6 as a scripture for 2012. It talks about remembering God as you walk into the promised land. God had given me scriptures on the promised land before, so I immediately began questioning what He meant! I didn't feel like the other promised land scriptures came to pass, so I was a little reluctant to go there. I knew I couldn't handle anymore "disappointment". I even talked myself out of what God was telling me the scriptures meant. I have two journal entries that totally contradict each other. When I wrestled with that, God showed me that it was just the enemy trying to once again steal kill and destroy my faith and belief that God is good.

God, through the scriptures, told me that 2012 would be the year I would see victory in many areas that I had prayed for breakthrough! There are about four areas that I believe we will see victory in before 2012 ends. One of them is our finances! This is already a lengthy post, so I will save some of those thoughts! But the bottom line is I didn't believe God was good in our finances. I would see other families who only had 2 or 3 children and what they could do with their resources, and I would get angry about the life God had called me to. Shallow? YES! Immature? YES! But that was still where I was many days. It rarely started so shallow...it was usually after a particularly rough day with one or more of the kids or just a day of being overwhelmed with the demands of mothering 7 children and running a ministry that these thoughts would creep in! But God kept bringing me back to the promises for this year.

I have shared some of the gifts from God this year...like the penthouse..then John went on a business trip this past week and had to "suffer" through driving his dream car as his rent car: a Dodge Challenger. Just sweet little gifts like that. But this past week, I was becoming increasingly discouraged with our finances. We really need a 12 passenger van. NEED! Not want, NEED! If we are going to take a vacation this summer, we have to have a bigger car. Nine people in a nine passenger suburban was just not going to be possible for a road trip! We have been looking for one, but hadn't really found the one we thought we should buy, or it was gone by the time we got to it. Then this week, there were medical bills that came in...two kids are about to have medical procedures in the next two weeks, plus the bills for Callie's last hip surgery are coming in. The money I had cushioned for a van payment was dwindling, bit by bit. I still felt like we could handle it and then John told me the tuition for Callie's school that we will be sending her to next hear. The number I had in my head to prepare for was about half what the tuition really is! All the air left my balloon. I was deflated. I was doubting God again. I was wondering where the promised land was there. We have prayed and prayed over Callie's school and knew without a doubt that is where she is to go. We have prayed about a van....have put it off for over a year from when we really wanted to buy one...and felt we had the "go" light from God. Now it seemed impossible for both to be true!

And I began throwing my ever so immature fit with God! Where are You? You have given me promise after promise in Your Word (for this season , God has me literally praying about 10 scriptures every morning as my Bible study....so every morning I am believing for these things as I pray His Words back to Him out loud) yet the reality still remains! At some point faith has to become sight.

This was kind of how that conversation went that morning:

God: "Buy the van."

Me: "We can't buy a van! We have tuition each month which takes all the money I had found in the budget for a van payment! There is no way we can do both."

God: "Buy the van."

Me:"Maybe you didn't hear me, we can't do both!"

God:"You are not paying tuition right now. Buy the van."

Me:"No, but we will be paying tuition in about three months and there is no significant income change in the near future"

God:"Buy the van. Three months is tomorrow...it has enough trouble of its own."

Me:"But I don't see anyway it will work!"

God:"Hebrews 11:1 'Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you DO NOT SEE!' if you could see a way for it to work, it would not be faith. Buy the van."

I shared this with one friend that day. I had't even had time to share it with John. That conversation happened Thursday morning. Yesterday John sat down to do our taxes. Yes, we are one of "them"! We usually are turning them in April 15 at midnight, so

we are actually early this year! I was having a meeting and John came in and said he needed me to look at something asap. He has checked a box on our tax software and we were now showing a significant tax refund...like winning the lottery (at least in my mind!) type of tax refund. We both agreed something had to be wrong, so John started making phone calls and looking into it. But sure enough, it was right! We were unaware that the adoption tax benefit that was in effect for special needs adoptions in 2010 had been extended to 2011. Since the adoptions of our girls were finalized in 2011, we qualified for them! I just cried! I asked for forgiveness for doubting! I praised my Father who wants and gives abundantly more than I could hope or imagine! It was so much more than a number on a screen! It was a promised fulfilled! It was a stone of remembrance to trust and have faith in my Heavenly Father who wants me to believe and trust Him enough to walk into my Promised land no matter what "giants" may seem to stand in my way!

The amount was enough that we can pay off our final credit card (something we had been trying to do for two and a half years!) AND pay cash for a van!!!!! AND probably go to Disney next year with money we can save between now and then since we will not have to make a van or credit card payment!!!!!

This takes me back to my post title: God is good yesterday, today and tomorrow! God is good, my friends! But He is not just good today because He has provided for me financially! He was good "yesterday" when I doubted Him. He was good "yesterday" when Eden didn't come home. I never want to put God is "good" as a response to something good happening to me because that leaves the assumption he is "bad" when something bad happens or I am disappointed. The truth God is teaching me is that He is good all the time! And my willingness to trust and believe that regardless of my circumstances is when the blessings come!

Am I excited about the money, absolutely! But I am way more excited about a God who loves me enough to meet my needs and to "prove" Himself to me when I seek Him.... even though He proved Himself enough that I should NEVER doubt by going to the Cross for me! I am celebrating that I have a God who loves me and cares for my needs and meets me right where I am! He will do the same for you!

There is so much more to tell about this journey I am on...but if you have made it this far in this post, you have read a novel! And my kids are asking for breakfast...so my post for another time will have to be completed another time...... :)

Identity

The problem with putting my identity in anything or anywhere but Christ is the internal struggle when that identity is changed by the direction God has you go!

I enrolled Madison and Journey, my two babies, in a 3 day a week Mother's Day Out program for next year. I struggle with that because it puts them in Mother's Day Out more days a week than they are home (weekdays that is!). I'm sure to most you are asking, "What's the big deal?!" But I have been a stay at home mom advocate my entire life! My mom was a stay at home mom, and she was AMAZING! I just always assumed I would do the same. John swears I told him on the first date that I was going to be a stay at home mom, if that wasn't ok, we could end things now!

But then God called us to open Addy's Hope 6 years ago. I remember when John first said he felt like God was calling us to step out and do this thing...my initial response was, "Great! In 18 years when all my babies have been raised, I think that is a fabulous idea!!" But John was confident God meant now so we started.

Addy's Hope has had its seasons where it was more than a full time job, but since it was international adoptions at that time, I was still able to manage it all from home or taking my babies to the office when we had one. But that is changing. God is opening more and more doors and the time needed to do this job well demands a change in my identity and shift in my thinking - going from a stay at home mom to a working mom.

I am blessed that even in having to look at a way to have more dedicated, baby free time to work, I still have flexibility and am not having to put Journey or Madison in 5 day a week daycare. I recognize that, and I am so thankful.

But as the reality of signing them up for the three day a week program for next year hit home, I realized even after all God has done in me the past few months to years, my identity still gets wrapped up in the wrong places. My identity should be in Christ and Christ alone. He is the only constant in this world! If my identity were in Him, it wouldn't matter what He called me to, I would be ready with a YES! Ready to walk in obedience! Just one more way God is calling me to trust and believe Him these days! Trust that He will take care of my babies while they are away from me, trust that He does have a plan that is better than what I can see or imagine - especially when it doesn't look like what I thought plans would look like right now, trust that He will provide the money necessary for the childcare, and believe that He has only my children my best interest in mind ALWAYS!

This is big for me - especially when it comes to letting go of my babies! But one thing I have learned over the last year in particular is that I want to walk in obedience! I want to walk hidden in the secret place of God - and you can't do that when you are walking in disobedience!

Love Notes from God for my Girls

For my daily quiet times, God has me in Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. If you have not read this or seen it, GET IT! It is amazing! It speaks to me in my hard season every morning. It is truly like a breath of fresh air.

There is no secret this is a hard season for me, but not just for me, for everyone in my home. The other day as I was thanking God for giving me this devotion that literally breaths fresh breath into me so I can go another day, He reminded me that my girls need this too! This world bombards them with SO many lies so many times a day! They both have the ability to hear God, they come up with some extremely profound ideas from time to time. We require everyone to have at least 15 minutes with God every morning, so I know they are in the Word at least once a day. But I have so enjoyed the "personal" messages in Jesus Calling. They are all based on scripture, but they are written in first person...as if Jesus is literally sending a personal letter to me that morning!

So God asked me to be still now and then during my time and listen for a Word for my girls and be obedient to write that note to them for Him. He wants them to know that He is personal. He needs them to hear His truths in a way that will drown out the lies of this world so their foundation is strong enough to handle whatever comes at them in the days, weeks, months and years to come.

This is our first morning of love notes from God! I don't know how often He will give me a Word for them, but I am committed to asking for one, listening for an answer and writing it out so they will find it on their mirror when they get up in the morning! Excited to see their reaction!

This World

As I start day 2 in the penthouse having my coffee with God once again on the lanai overlooking Avenue of the Stars in Beverly Hills, I am overcome with the truth that this world has NOTHING to offer me! I am in the height of what the world would say is paradise. I am surrounded by money and fame! My morning walk took me by the Fox recording lot. I could see through the gates to the back lot of the recording studio where many of there movies are filmed. From where I sit, I can see the streets we drove down last time we were here on a tour that showed us the homes of the stars. I can see just a few blocks away the Beverly Hills Hilton where only a few weeks ago Whitney Houston lost her life. These surroundings no longer leave me star struck as they did in my years as a youth. Instead they lead me to thanksgiving and praise. I am so thankful that God has taken me down journeys in this life that have opened my eyes to the reality that this world has NOTHING, not one thing, to offer me! Sure there are things that I need to do God's work like a house, this computer for example, etc. But I don't desire wealth for wealth's sake any longer. If I desire more, it is simply in order to be able to more effectively serve in the ministries God has called John and I to serve. Yes, I still long for a larger kitchen because it would make raising my family that is about to include another baby easier. But I don't long for a new kitchen just to have a fancy kitchen like I used to.

I think of Whitney Houston. She had all this world would count as success - hit songs, hit movies, fame on many continents, fortunes to do whatever she wanted, but it wasn't enough. Whitney grew up in the church with roots in the faith. Yet at some point the lure of what this world had to offer over took what she knew of the Gospel. I am not judging her salvation...eternal salvation is not even what I am talking about. I am talking about what do I..what do you...pursue here on earth? Are we truly pursuing the things of God or do we go to church on Sunday and count that as our cost for the gospel while still pursuing the career, the bigger house, the nicer car, etc Monday through Saturday?

Several years ago I had a family member who would say, "I've worked too hard to struggle." I think this sums up how most Americans see our lives...even Christ following Americans. Have we really "worked too hard to struggle"? What do you think Christ would say to that comment in the shadow of the cross? Might His response to us be the same? I've worked too hard for you to struggle...accept my gifts of peace and freedom and riches that are yours for the taken when you FIRST seek Me and My kingdom!

Just some food for thought.....

Abundantly More

What is this you ask? Well, it is the a Penthouse suite at the Hyatt Regency Century Plaza in Beverly Hills. Why is it on my blog you ask? Because it is my home for the next few days and nights! How did that happen you ask? Well, according to Ephesians 3:20 God is able and will do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine. John travels enough that he earns points so every now and then I can fly with him. He has a conference for one of the units he oversees in LA this week, so I came with him. I had set this time aside to start writing a book that God has asked me to write. I've started two other books God asked me to write, but I wasn't obedient to finish them, and now the words don't come easily. So I am determined to obey this time and see this one to completion! So I set this time of uninterrupted, quiet time aside for that. I was so looking forward to a hotel room with a desk or just a chair for me to sit and be alone with God to write. But when we checked in late last night, they had sold out and did not have our room available even though we had a reservation, so they asked if the Penthouse suite would be ok? After much thought....NOT!....we said sure!

And this was our view last night overlooking Avenue of the Stars in Beverly Hills!

I had my coffee with God on that lanai this morning, and He and I had some great laughs and conversations about this whole Penthouse thing! But as I texted my mentor to share with her where I was having my quiet time, Ephesians 3:20 is what she sent back to me and I just felt the love of God wash over me! He has told me time and again that 2012 will be the year I understand His goodness and His love for me. The root behind that is a post for another time. But this morning as I sit in my Penthouse, I am reminded that God has more than I could ever hope or dream for me in EVERY are of my life! I never even dreamed to desire a penthouse for my days of writing, but God did..and not only did her dream it, He gifted it to me! So instead of a chair or desk to write at, I can go to the couch, the executive desk, the chair in the bedroom, or either of the two lanais! And this morning I am excited...not about a penthouse, but about the "penthouses" he has for the areas of my thirsty soul! He has ABUNDANTLY more than I could ever even dream of asking Him for waiting for me....and I don't want to miss it! All I have to do is press into Him and stay in His presence following His voice!

So thankful for that reminder today!

Laying Down!

So my last post (well last one before the PINK news!) was about picking my life up. I made a conscious decision to lay it back down. This morning both of my devotions were on joy in the midst of trial. I am rejoicing as I read them because yesterday, I experienced that in a way I may never have, because I chose to lay my life down at the feet of my Savior!

Yesterday I dealt with some of the most difficult issues I have ever faced in my life while running a home with 7 children solo and meeting deadlines to get three home studies completed, two of which are on time lines that could mean life or death for the children. I don't say all that to toot my horn, believe me! If anything I have learned over the course of the last 10 years it is that I. AM. NOTHING. without Christ! The days I don't lay it down and let Him drive this car are they days I crash and burn.

But yesterday, I made a conscious decision to lay my life down several times during the day. Going back to scripture when I needed to in order to refocus, in order to not become overwhelmed by the circumstance and situations around me. And you know what? IT. WORKED.

I could read those devotions this morning praising God for the tough things in my life right now. I understand what James means when he writes, "consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort of fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience." James 1:2-3 AMP I used to read that and wonder what in the world that guy was smoking when he wrote that...and whatever it was, I wanted some!

Well, I've found what he was "smoking"! It was JESUS! And I got me some...and on the days I focus on that, I am able to walk in that same joy and peace...precious peace..regardless of what is swirling around me!

Oswald Chambers says it this way, "Paul says this is the reason we are more than conquerors in all these things, super-victors, with a joy we would not have but for the things which look as if they are going to overwhelm us...tribulation, distress, persecution, produce in us the super-joy; they are not things to fight. We are more than conquerors through Him in all these things, not in spite of them, but in the midst of them. The experiences of life, terrible or monotonous impotent to touch the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Our Utmost for His Highest for March 7. And Sarah Young puts it beautifully in Jesus Calling on her entry for March 7 ~ "Let me help you through this day. The challenges you face are far too great for you to handle alone. You are keenly aware of your helplessness in the scheme of events you face. This awareness opens up a choice: to doggedly go it alone or to walk with Me in humble steps of dependence...So, consider it all joy whenever you are enveloped in various trials. These are gifts from Me, reminding you to rely on Me alone."

God, thank you for my trials! Thank you that they push me further into You and into the depths of who You are! Thank you for walking with me through them. Thank you Holy Spirit for whispering in my ear the words to say, the truths of situations that counteract what the enemy would have me believe. Thank you, oh thank you God, for your peace that passes all understanding so that while the waves are swirling around me, I can stand on top of the water, eyes focused on you and be calm and peaceful. Thank you for allowing me to walk this path. Forgive me for the times I don't see You in it or ask that this cup be taken from me. I ask for you to remind me today when I need to refocus so that what is around the bend ahead of me that only You can see doesn't take me off guard. Thank you for loving me enough to be an ever present God...not just a God of eternity, but a God right now! I love you and am honored to be your daughter! In Jesus name, AMEN!

Pink or Blue update!

Looks like there's going to be more bows and frills around our house! 90% sure Paizley's baby is a girl...so we are having a grand-daughter! Everyone knows how much I love bows, so this will be fun!

Seeing the sonogram and knowing the sex has made it all the more real. It was a hard day for me that day. I love the baby, but I still morn the life I had pictured for my daughter. Having to take on all the roles and responsibilities of being a mom at 16 is NOT what I had planned in my mommy heart for her.

I have said since the beginning of fostering and now through adopting a wounded teenage and walking with her through this pregnancy that I have had feelings that don't go into a neat little file box. Maybe I even said that in my last post. Sonogram day was a day when it felt like the emotional filing box had been thrown in the air and landed in a pile of mess on the floor.

But God once again picked me up and set my feet under me and we are walking again! Some days we walk with quite a limp, but we are walking and we will one day be out of this valley and be high on the mountain top looking back at this time knowing God walked with us when we could walk and carried us when we couldn't! And I'm convinced its the journey He is the most concerned with anyway!

Picking It Back Up

Yesterday was not one of my better days. We have had a lot of sickness around our house, me included, and you know how everything looks worse when you are sick! I was talking to some friends earlier this weekend and telling them how my life right now truly requires me to sit at the feet of Jesus to gain perspective and strength or I become overwhelmed. And some days I have to do that two and three times a day just to keep going. Not a bad place to be...unless you go a couple of days without sitting at His feet!

Yesterday was the culmination of several days of not sitting at His feet to hear His voice and gain His perspective of all the plates I must keep spinning right now. Before I went to bed last night, I knew God wanted me alone with Him. Those times are always so sweet and refreshing, and last night was no different. Even in His discipline and correction, I feel His love for me.

He took me to John 10 last night. I love it when He takes me to a familiar passage and then shows me something I have never seen or speaks to me in a fresh way! Verses 17 and 18 say, "For this reason the Father loves Me, because I lay down My life so that I may take it again. No one has taken it away from Me, but I lay it down on My own initiative. I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again. This commandment I received from My Father." As I read that, God brought back to mind some words that I had spoken to John yesterday afternoon in a fit of frustration, and God whispered, "You picked it up again". Ouch! He was right! I had spoken words that meant I had the right and the authority to be comfortable in life. I didn't want the challenges anymore. I just wanted to be able to breath for a second.

I thought about Jesus' words in the Garden of Gethsemane before his crucifixion. I don't pretend to be anywhere near the place Jesus was, but I did realize He knows where I am. He once asked that the cup He was being asked to drink from be removed. And that is where I was yesterday. I wanted a lot of what was on my plate to be removed. I was overwhelmed. I had cried out just as Jesus did....except I hadn't followed it with "but never the less, not my will, but YOURS be done!"

After reading John 10, I made a conscious decision to lay my life back down. I recommitted all I am doing to God and agreed with Him that I would walk whatever path He has for me trusting Him to supply all my needs....not just monetary but emotional and spiritual and physical as well.

How about you? Have you picked it back up again? If Jesus could lay His life down and go to the cross for us, is there really anything we can look Him square in the face and say we will not do? If there is even one thing you would do that with, then you have taken your life back up....and you need to lay it down again! God is a gentleman. He will not force us to lay down our life. "No one has taken it from me, but I lay it down on My own initiative." God is asking us to lay down our lives. And He asks because He has a plan that is bigger and better than anything we could ever hope or imagine for ourselves and our families! Last night, God asked me if I would lay it down again...of my own initiative because He has a hope and a future for me that is GOOD! I want ALL God has for me, don't you? Let's lay it all back down! Will you join me?