A year ago, that would have excited me....even 7 months ago, that would have brought giddy anticipation.
When we were contemplating adopting a teenager, it was the football games, the tack meets, the dance teams, the youth group functions, etc that we dreamed about. We got excited about getting to be a part of those events with our new daughter!
And one of the nights I dreamed about most was prom. Who would ask her? Of course someone will because my daughter is beautiful and has an amazingly fun personality! I knew once she got into the high school building, someone would want her to be their prom date. Where would we go to shop for a dress? What kind of dress would she want? There would most definitely be disagreements about dresses due to my standard for modesty, but we would find one that made her look like the princess she is, and our eyes would meet in the mirror and we would both know that was "the" dress!
Those were the dreams I had. Those were the dreams I have had to let die. Those are the dreams I have had to keep from dwelling on as the pictures go up on Facebook of my friends' children in their prom attire with their prom dates. She and I talked earlier today about Prom....she might get to go some day, I know that. But today, she isn't. And next year, even if she gets asked, she'll have to get a babysitter to go.
I keep thinking this journey of mothering a pregnant teen daughter will get easier. It hasn't. Nothing about it has gotten easier. It stinks. If I am not consoling her about the life that she has had to leave behind, I am trying to pull myself up out of the pain of what the past held and the fear of what the future holds. I truck along ok most days, but then nights like this hit where the reality of what has been lost for my daughter, and the dreams I had for her are driven like a stake through my mommy heart.
We love the baby...she and I both do. This isn't about that baby...it's about my baby! The baby I had dreams for....my baby whose having a baby.
1 comment:
holly ann,
It is hard. It is. And, it is good. It is good that you are loving the orphan, that you are loving her still even when she falls back into bad habits, back into living as if she doesn't have loving parents, choosing sin instead of life. God does it for us over and over and we love like him when we do the same for our kiddos. doesn't make it easy, though.
in regards to prom - not meant as criticism but simply as food for thought because you do have other sons and daughters who may end up being there someday - have you ever really thought about whether your dreams of prom and dates and dresses for you and your daughters to experience are more about the dream God has for them or more about the American dream of what teens are supposed to do?
Our adopted children have already lost a lot - innocence, birth parents, trust, you name it - and those are things to grieve with them and then to help them give to the Lord so they can live healed and in freedom. But prom, football games, and pretty princess dresses aren't guarantees in life and if anything, are simply part of the very self-indulgent culture we live in that says our children "deserve" such things. things, which, if we are honest, don't often lead to godliness with contentment. It is godliness with contentment which is of great gain.
Maybe, just maybe, God is going to use this sweet new baby to help your daughter and your whole family to come to a deeper understanding of him and his grace and to grow you all closer to him.
love u bunches. thankyou for your obedience to him in helping bring our children home!
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