Really, I don't go looking for fights.....

I know most people probably read my blog and Facebook posts and think I walk around looking for fights to jump into!  Really, I promise, I don't!  Maybe in my younger days when my passions were still needing MUCH sanctification, but not now that I am older and really have learned to dislike conflict I would just as soon go about my day minding my own business as to get into a fight.  BUT...because God has made me with this passion...and with this inability to let injustice go unnoticed, I find myself...like today...fighting when all I wanted to do was get my exercise!

I never walk in the afternoon, so the timing now has me shaking my head at God.  I had some work I wanted to make sure got done, and my days tend to get away from me quickly, or some emergency pops up that has to be handled.  So I got my work done before my walk which put me leaving about 1:30.  I started not to go..rain showers this morning meant it was way muggy...but determined to get this weight off and having NO KIDS at home today, I decided a walk would be good!

I was at about the first mile marker.  I was minding my own business...listening to my Bethel sermon as Bill Johnson was starting to pray for people to have torment removed from their life when I see quite a ways down a couple.  I couldn't tell if they were teens or young adults.  But it was obvious by the dancing they were doing that they were in a fight. So I slowed my pace and removed my ear-buds so I could watch and listen.  She took off, he called her back.  He jumped up and down some more. She walked off...he stood there a minute, then took off at a full run towards her. I cleared the area from behind the fence just in time to see her turn toward him where he ripped the sunglasses off her face and threw them on the ground shattering them.  So I hollered, 'Hey! You!  Get away from her!"  He runs back to me at full speed....I'm thinking, now what?!  But at the same time totally calm.  Amazing what knowing you are walking in the power and protection of the Holy Spirit will do!

He starts talking 90 to nothing..."I didn't mean it...it's not what you think...I bought those glasses....my dad beat my mom....just stand here and talk to me..." I kept trying to give my response to each of those, but he just kept talking....when he said that I stopped and said, "I will stand her and talk to you all day long, but you lay one more finger on that girl and I will call the police."  She hears that and comes running over, "no don't call anyone.  He didn't mean it.  It runs in his family. He bought me the glasses."

I finally got her to go home after telling her it's NEVER ok for a man to be aggressive with you while he asked me to help him look for the ring she had evidently thrown in the grass that he had just given her.  He said he would call his mom so I could talk to her if I didn't call the police.  I stood there...then he took off.  So I posted it on our neighborhood FB page. No details.  Just a description and the glasses being ripped off part so that hopefully the parents of at least the girl can contact me and I can share with them what I saw so they can know what is going on.

I know some would say I might should've stayed out of it.  Well, let me tell you, when you have a daughter who you know is getting the living daylights beat out of her on a regular basis, you tend to look at situations like that and not have the ability to walk away. I think I would have intervened on that level even before having an abused daughter, but now, any young man...or man....who wants to act in an aggressive or abusive way in front of me to any female, better get ready!  You can ask my boys, if they hit one of their sisters, they get the wrath of their mother and they have a consequence and they get the lecture...I know we're not supposed to lecture...they get the lecture of how a man should ALWAYS treat a lady! Maybe nothing would've happened beyond what did.  But I know there were other people closer than me just watching it happen. I wasn't ok with that.  Why?  Because when my daughter was being drug through a parking lot by her hair, I wish someone would have knocked the living daylights out of that jerk! When he had his hands around her throat cutting off her air supply while she was pregnant, I wish someone would have stopped him!  I still wish someone would intervene!

That teen was someone's daughter.  I don't know if they think that is acceptable behavior for her boyfriend or not, but it's not in my books, and I was the one who was there.  So I stepped in...to the fight....all I was doing was going for a walk!

Losing Children....but finding God

It's a bit ironic now that the child who was the tie breaker for children lost versus children held is now, for the present, a child lost.  We have not shared the details of our families journey over the past four and a half years.  I doubt we will ever share the intimate details of it on a public forum such as this.  However, as we come to the close of at least part of this chapter and enter into a new one, I feel God releasing me to share a bit more of what has occurred along this path.  I am a bit afraid to share.  It is raw.  It is still new and very real pain.  I don't yet have a file to put all the emotions, thoughts and feelings that often break through my mind and heart at weird times throughout a day, often taking me by total surprise.  But I have a friend who is a blogger who recently shared her story of infertility on her blog.  She is a BIG TIME blogger, so her story was read by thousands - and that means even more who can potentially criticize or remark on her pain.  But she talked about how she had to be BRAVE to share her story.  And as I have thought of opening up about this part of our lives and the ridicule that could possibly come, I thought of my friend.  She was Brave.....so I have that song playing now as I type. 

 

You make me brave
You make me brave
You called me beyond the shore
Into the waves

You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now 
The love that made a way        (From You Make Me Brave by Bethel Music)

It is fitting!  No fear can hinder now the love that made a way!  Fear.  It was the biggest emotion I had when it became clear God was asking us to add a 15 year old girl to our family.  I remember vividly sitting on my couch in my living room, tears rolling down my face, looking John in the eyes and choking out between sobs...."I know we are supposed to do this - bring this girl, this teenager into our home - but I can't! I can't even fathom bringing one more person into this home that needs me.  I can't imagine one more person needing me to provide for them emotionally....and I know that a 15 year old coming out of the foster system is going to have a few more emotional needs than a 'typical' teenager. I know God is telling us we are supposed to do this, but I am telling you, I can't!" That was the first time I had ever known God was telling me to do something, and I just could see absolutely NO way for it to happen! Remember, I am the visionary! But God makes a way where there is no way!  "No fear can hinder now the love that made a way!"Over the next two weeks He would speak to me through songs, sermons, even fiction books I picked up. The one thing that stands out the most was hearing a speaker from Stop Child Trafficking Now explain how trafficking is happening in our cities right now.  I sat with tears rolling down my face and silent sobs racking my body as I thought of the beautiful face of this little girl God had asked me to take as my daughter.  Without a family, without intervention she was a prime target for these sick people! 

I don't really know how it happened. I don't really remember a moment when it became ok.  I just know that I went from that place on my couch saying "I can't" to driving in a car to meet my new daughter.  I wasn't afraid anymore.  Sure, I was nervous...I was meeting a TEENAGER who was going to be my daughter for the first time!  Was I wearing the right thing, would I say the right thing?  Would she want us as much as I wanted her? God took me past fear to excitement and pure joy about adding a teen daughter to my family...and in those two weeks is also when we discovered baby number 7 would be arriving in about 9 months! Life was exciting and full of hope!

Fast forward to now.  Thinking back on that "fear" knowing where the journey has taken us makes that word almost laughable.  I don't guess I ever really thought I would lose a child in any of the ways we've lost.  My introduction to motherhood was drastically interrupted by a miscarriage at 13 weeks.  Four years later we would start a journey to bring home the twins I had always dreamed of having!  We would lose Addy to cholera before we ever got to meet her, and Eden would be our daughter but not get to come home due to the illegal processing of her adoption by the agency we were working with.  At that point the count was children in our arms 2, children in our hearts but never to be in our arms 3.  Loss was winning....

Few know that there was a precious little boy named Edwin that we were in the process of bringing home from Liberia not long after Ava was born.  In fact, they would have been "twins".  However, his parents returned to the orphanage to take him back home.  That was a bitter sweet loss.  We were thankful he was able to return to his parents!  That is always the hope for us with biological parents who are safe for children.  So we were overjoyed that they had found a way to care for him.  However, we had already loved him in our hearts as our son.  Children in our arms 3, children lost 4.  Loss was winning....

Then of course our precious Toben did come home!  His name means "believing God is good".  He got that name because after all the loss, taking the step to adopt again internationally was almost more than I could take.  I had to make the conscious decision to believe God was good when on most days I didn't know if I really believed that or not....but if I didn't believe it, I wanted to....and so we were 4 to 4.  

Madison would burst into our lives without us knowing whether she would stay or go.  We were open to whatever role God had for us.  It was a bitter sweet journey, and I sobbed as the judge read that her mother had relinquished her rights, and we would be adopting her.  I was overjoyed to be her forever mommy, but it is never easy to hear mother's connection to her biological child has been severed.  It's just not natural.  And then there was B-man!  Oh, that boy!  He still brings a smile to my face!  He is the one we had to let go....he was the only foster baby we had that left our home.  We knew when he came that he would not stay.  But it doesn't make the good-bye any easier.  And so we were at 5 to hold and 5 let go.

Then came Paizley.  She would tip us to the winning side!  We finally held more than we lost...and one more was on the way!  The losing streak was broken...or so I thought.

Of all the ways we have lost children, this is the hardest.  This is the one I find the fewest words for.  This is the one that brings more anger than any other.  This is the one that leaves me with more questions unanswered than all those before.  This is the one that brings healing only to rip off the scab and the bleeding begins again. This is the one that has impacted every. single. family. member.  This is the one that threatened to steel away my other children with it.  This is the one that tried to make my call in life invalid and worthless.  This one, this one has torn my heart in more pieces than I thought possible...and this is the one that has left the most fear in it's wake. It's the one that won't end.

Tonight, as I was walking and listening to a testimony of a father about his daughter - a daughter he lost first to the ways of the world only to get her back just before a car wreck would take her life.  When you have a child that chooses to walk away from all that you offer, all that you are to pursue a self-destructive life, there are no words for what that does.  I never dreamed I would know how that felt.  I don't think any parent starts their parenting journey preparing or planning to lose their children in any of the ways we have lost, but most certainly not in this way.  You have hopes and dreams for your child.  When a child dies, those die with them.  When a child walks away from you, those dreams you have for them don't die....they just get twisted, mutilated and broken every minute of every day.  Every time you see a friend of theirs from when your child was with you and that friend is living the life you dreamed for your child, and suddenly, the reality of where your child's choices have taken them washes over you, the bleeding starts again.  

Tonight was one of those nights for me.  The bleeding wouldn't stop! As I heard the father talk about his daughter, I wondered if I would get my daughter back before I attend her funeral.  But it doesn't stop with her.  I realized that losing a daughter to the ways of the world has put a fear in my heart.  Fear does not usually have a place in my life.  But as I walked tonight, the tears came, the sobs once again racked my body as I thought of my other children.  The next two oldest are coming into the years when I need to give them wings.  They need to be allowed to dive out of the nest and figure out how to let their wings catch them on the currents and bring them back up into the sky.  I can't lose another! I can't imagine my heart surviving one more child choosing to walk away from all we know and believe in, all we stand for in our family to pursue a life of self destruction. 

And then I think of my Heavenly Father.  He never forces me to choose Him.  How many times do I turn my back on all He has taught me? How many times will I walk away from all He stands for....all He died for?  He doesn't judge me by those who went before me and chose the world over Him...and He doesn't judge me on yesterday when I chose self destructive behaviors over His love and forgiveness.  

I have always said that adopting my children has taught me more about my spiritual adoption as God's daughter than any Bible study, sermon and scripture alone ever could.  And now, walking out a relationship with a child who is living in total contradiction to what we taught, believe and stand for is teaching me more than any Bible study, sermon and scripture alone ever could about the heart of my Heavenly Father for me...and the deep, deep sorrow my sin brings Him.

I have sat many nights and asked why?  Why her? There are over 13,000 children in the state of Texas who needed a forever family.  Why the one who tore our family apart and continues to threaten the safety of our family even today?  Why, God?  Why would a "good" God ask us to do that?  I mean if we are going to keep it real on here, then let's not sugar coat what saying "yes" has really meant in our home. 

And every time I ask Him, I get the same answer.  First, is because He loves her!  He gave her something she had asked Him for....right down to the size and brothers and sisters she wanted!  Second, because He loves her.  He gave her an opportunity for a future that she would not have had without the adoption.  Does that story line sound familiar?  But the truth is, she didn't want what He, what we, had to offer.  At least not right now.  Do you know anyone who has not wanted what Jesus offers us with His death and resurrection?  Coming into our family had some sacrifices.  It meant saying no to some things that seemed like fun.  It meant trusting that we knew more than she did about what was best for her future.  Sound familiar again?  Sin looks so fun! But God knows what is best for our future and that is why He tells us to avoid those things that won't allow us to have His best.  

So why did He ask us to take in her? Why did he ask us to take in the one out of 13,000 when so many would have taken this opportunity and literally transformed their lives? Because He chose her!  My prayer is someday she will understand that!  But in this journey, God has taught me that in the same way He chose her to be in our family, He chose me when He went to the cross! So when the thoughts come that take my off guard, when the questions that still don't have answers bombard my mind and threaten to rob me of peace, I choose to think on the cross!  I refuse to let loss win! And when I look at that in the face...I can't help but dance...and Bethel put it into words perfectly....

You steady me 
Slow and sweet we sway
Take the lead and I will follow

Finally ready now
To close my eyes and just believe
That you won’t lead me where you don’t go

When my faith gets tired
And my hope seems lost
You spin me round and round 
And remind me of that song
The one you wrote for me

And we dance
And we dance 

I’ve been told 
To pick up my sword 
And fight for love
Little did I know 
That love had won for me

Here in your arms
You still my heart again 
And I breathe you in 
Like I’ve never breathed till now

And I will lock eyes 
With the one who’s ransomed me
The one who gave me joy from mourning 

And I will lock eyes 
With the one who’s chosen me
The one who set my feet to dancing 

We dance
Just you and me

It’s nice to know 
I’m not alone 
I’ve found my home here in your arms