Trust Without Borders: When You Start to Sink

There is an amazing song by Hillsong that has been popular now for a year or more.  It goes like this:

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

We heard Him call us out upon the waters!  Two years ago today, we received a phone call that would forever change the course of our family.  Our daughter was leaving our grandchildren, then 3 weeks and 11 months old, with John's parents and returning to an abusive relationship.  CPS would be taking the children into custody the following Monday (it was a Wednesday & everything was shutting down for the July 4th holiday).  John and I had just talked the night before about "what ifs".  We both agreed that bringing these two babies into our home would require drastic sacrifice for our other 6 children.  Children who had already sacrificed much over the last two years as we had navigated life while adding three children and two grand-babies to our family! I already felt maxed out in every way - physically, emotionally and spiritually - & I knew they felt much the same. How in the world would I parent two more infants? How would we pay for two more children in diapers and still on formula?

The big girl in this picture, well she is amazing! 

But as soon as the call came in, God began to speak.  He illuminated every single step we were to take!  We learned we had legal rights that we had no idea we had...in fact had previously been told we did not have.  We heard God say, "Come to Me! Trust Me! Get out of the boat and walk this with me!" So we stepped out of the boat....onto the waters.

On July 5, a judge granted us temporary custody of our grand babies and we went from 6 children at home to 8! The ages were 13, almost 12, 8, 7, 3, just turned 2, 11 months, and 3 weeks! It really wasn't the "8" that was the problem.  It was the 3, 2, 11 months and 3 weeks that was a struggle!

The big boy in this picture, well he is amazing! 

You know when you take a huge leap of faith, there is a period of exhilaration that fuels you! Kind of like the adrenaline rush.  We had heard God and obeyed! It was fun trying to navigate our new life.  The older kids were excited about having the babies and helped out tremendously! We would keep sippee cup and diaper counts for each day just for fun....it was a ridiculous number for both!  Life seemed very surreal!  Friends brought donations by the car load...literally!  We were blessed beyond anything we could have hoped or imagined.  We were walking on water.

When we agreed to pursue custody, we never intended for it to be long term.  We fully believed that we would have them 6 months probably, a year at the maximum and they would go back to our daughter.  We believed it would be a wake-up call, and things would improve so that there was a safe environment for the children to return.

But days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months.  God would call us to keep expanding our trust borders even more and move 5 hours away from all support systems just one month after the babies moved in.  We had not been part of Ella's life for the first year, so she had no idea who we were.  The trauma in her life was extensive.  She pretty well screamed the majority of the time she was awake.  Most of the time she was inconsolable.  She would cry when you picked her up.  She would cry when you put her down. The first sell of our house would fall through, but we moved anyway because John had a start date and the school year was beginning.  So we moved with all the expenses that come with that (and in education, you don't get moving expenses), and we had to maintain two house payments for a couple of months.  John went to work, the older kids went to school, and I was left in a new house full of unpacked boxes, not knowing a single living soul, with four kids ages three and under.  Did you know you can't even go to the grocery store with that many small children as there is no where to put them all?!

It would begin what has become one of the darkest seasons of my life.  As I heard Oceans by Hillsong, the other day, I was struck by the lyrics as I reflected on the last two years.  God called me out up on the great unknown.  He asked us to trust Him, and we did.

So, what happened?!

Just like Peter, in those moments where we sank, I had taken my eyes off my Savior! The enemy had successfully stolen my joy and my abundant life making me angry and bitter with God for asking us to do something that was so hard, that literally took all I had every. single. day.  All I could think of was what my life would be like if we had not said yes to getting out of that boat.

You see, we had said yes to a life that required God's super on our natural to make it from morning to night.  And then, along the way, we had believed enough lies of the enemy that we began walking in the flesh.  We started looking around at the waves instead of focusing on the One who calms the storm.  We started letting circumstances be our guide instead of the faith that is sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see...the faith that it required to get out of the boat in the first place.

You can't say yes in faith and then remove your eyes from the Author and Perfector of your faith! You. Will. Sink.

What do you do then? You refocus.  You reclaim.  You recommit. Some days, I still go under water.  But those are usually the days that I hit snooze instead of getting out of bed and getting in the Word!

Last y ear!

When you start to sink, you also remember. You remember that this is a season! As we went to our small community's 4th of July celebration yesterday, we laughed.  We haven't done that as a family much the last few years.  We recalled last year's celebration when there were screams through most of it.  Which was pretty well our norm.  But this year, there were less screams and more giggles.  And next year, there will be even fewer screams and even more giggles...because this is a season!  And because healing is occurring...for all of us!

This year~ (The Sun was bright! :) )

As I start to find myself keeping my head above the water more and more, I think we will live again.  I am taking back the joy that is mine in Christ...even with a life that requires more than I think I have to give most days.  And on the days when I think it's "unfair" that He called me to this life, He gently reminds me that He gave his life for me, what then could be too much of him to ask? And He reminds me that my treasures are in heaven and not here on earth.  And I start to look around and see all that I have to be thankful for even in the midst of the chaos! I celebrate the small victories...like all of the kids were dressed in actual 4th of July clothes!  As silly as that sounds, it is a sign to me that I am beginning to be able to do the things that bring me joy in my life! Those little things have been beyond reach the last two years with all that just the daily tasks of life demanded.

Despite nearly drowning many times over the past two years, I am so thankfully when that call came in, we stepped out of the boat! It has forever changed me....and the little people that I call mine!

Just because she is so beautiful!

Just because he is so handsome!