The Christian cliche for where I am right now is a "crisis of faith". I am a visual person. I have tried in my very limited artistic ability to sketch out what my mind's eye sees right now. It started out as a "Y" in the road, but as I prayed and studied, the Y became a straight line because the two paths I can take are 180 degrees apart!
I have been trying to memorize scripture (always been a challenge for my no memory self!) that relates to the work I do..in adoptions, but also as a Christian. I want specific words from the Bible ready in my mind for the Holy Spirit to bring forth during times just like this! I want the Sword ready for battle in my mind and heart! So one of the versus I have been memorizing and reflecting on a great deal is Romans 8:5-8. "For those who are according the flesh set their minds on things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God."
I have been in a struggle for several months now. It has been a roller coaster. Some I have spoken of on here, some I have not. One reason I haven't blogged a lot lately is that I don't have clear thoughts. Everything is muddled and cloudy. I can't seem to wrap my mind around what is happening in most areas of my life right now. I can't reconcile all that has occurred with the outcomes I see.
But even through the cloudiness of my mind, the picture of the two roads is clear. One road is flesh, the other is Spirit.
I have several major choices in front of me right now that I have been contemplating. I won't go into the details of them because they are too private for such a public forum. But the choices are clear. I can walk according to God's will (Spirit) or I can walk away from God's will (flesh). I am sealed for the day of redemption by the Holy Spirit (Eph 4:30), so I am not talking about walking away from my salvation here. No matter what road I choose to walk, God will walk with me. No matter which I choose, I will be in heaven at the end (I just don't believe in the gospel that says this is our goal!). However, that same verse (Eph 4:30) that says I am sealed also instructs me not to grieve the Holy Spirit. Taking the flesh path would not only grieve the Holy Spirit, but it would also take me outside of God's covering, His promises. All through Scripture, God gives us promises. However, you can find with most of those promises if you take them in context (and not pull them out as so many love to do) that a condition of those promises is that you are walking "upright" or walking in accordance with His commands. When we chose to deviate from His commands, we leave the protection of those promises. We are saved for eternity from our sin, but we are not saved from the consequences of our sin. When we choose the path of flesh, there are consequences that will be ours.
This brings me back to the place I stand. There will be consequences. But the truth is there will be consequences to taking the path that is Spirit, also! Just as Jesus disciples when He asked them to pray, the Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
And this brings me to my biggest struggle of all!
I think of the scripture that speaks of the great cloud of witnesses. I don't mean to sound cynical, but in the American church, I just don't find a great cloud of witnesses. I can count on both hands the number of people I know personally and intimatly who I see within them a commitment to God and the path that is Spirit that I want to emulate. And those who I do want to emulate are very busy people with the work of God! They have little to no time to mentor people like me who want to emulate them. I don't say this as a put down to these people, I say it as a reality of the fast pace life we live here in America!
So I find myself at this crossroads alone. No counsel available from those whose counsel I would consider righteous and wise, yet TONS of counsel from those who view status quot as God's best and think the path that I believe is Spirit is outrageous and even ludicrous! As I have matured in my walk with Christ...especially over the past 12 years, I have come to learn that the outrageous is probably the God way! We have all heard that saying if it is possible by me alone, than there is no room for God to work a miracle. I believe that to be very true! But the other thing I hear all the time is how hard the Spirit path would be. How I need to look out for my children, etc. So how would these people counsel Abraham who put Isaac on an alter and raised a knife to kill him before God provided the ram? No worries, I am not tying any of my children down right now to sacrifice them! But I just wonder how modern American Christians read the stories of the Bible and yet give the counsel that they do, or criticize John and my desire to live a life sold out to Christ in the area that we know is God's purpose for us. Those who have known me very long know that I am a HUGE Beth Moore fan! She talks continuously about our destiny. God has a destiny for us, but it is our choice whether or not we choose to fulfill it! It is the difference between just finishing the race, squeaking by with my fire insurance in tact and standing before my Creator, my Savior on judgement day and hearing, "Well done my Faithful daughter!"
When I put it that way, the choice seems so easy! Who wouldn't want to stand before God and hear those words???? The problem is between where I stand now and d-day are many days on this earth with the words of well meaning Christians mixed with the voice of the enemy in my mind. The enemy wants so badly for me to take that path of flesh! He is so good at providing really good "evidence" for why I should choose that path. I deserve to be happy. Even if I walk away from God's will, at least it will just be my choices I suffer the consequence of and not the consequence of other's choices that I have to suffer in walking the path God has led me down for some time now. (That was clear as mud, huh?!...maybe later I can try to explain what that sentence meant!) God couldn't possibly want my life to be any harder than it already is...after all, so many people already tell me I do too much and my kids suffer. I can even find some scripture to support those lies...if I take them out of their context in scripture.
I have been trying to memorize scripture (always been a challenge for my no memory self!) that relates to the work I do..in adoptions, but also as a Christian. I want specific words from the Bible ready in my mind for the Holy Spirit to bring forth during times just like this! I want the Sword ready for battle in my mind and heart! So one of the versus I have been memorizing and reflecting on a great deal is Romans 8:5-8. "For those who are according the flesh set their minds on things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God."
I have been in a struggle for several months now. It has been a roller coaster. Some I have spoken of on here, some I have not. One reason I haven't blogged a lot lately is that I don't have clear thoughts. Everything is muddled and cloudy. I can't seem to wrap my mind around what is happening in most areas of my life right now. I can't reconcile all that has occurred with the outcomes I see.
But even through the cloudiness of my mind, the picture of the two roads is clear. One road is flesh, the other is Spirit.
I have several major choices in front of me right now that I have been contemplating. I won't go into the details of them because they are too private for such a public forum. But the choices are clear. I can walk according to God's will (Spirit) or I can walk away from God's will (flesh). I am sealed for the day of redemption by the Holy Spirit (Eph 4:30), so I am not talking about walking away from my salvation here. No matter what road I choose to walk, God will walk with me. No matter which I choose, I will be in heaven at the end (I just don't believe in the gospel that says this is our goal!). However, that same verse (Eph 4:30) that says I am sealed also instructs me not to grieve the Holy Spirit. Taking the flesh path would not only grieve the Holy Spirit, but it would also take me outside of God's covering, His promises. All through Scripture, God gives us promises. However, you can find with most of those promises if you take them in context (and not pull them out as so many love to do) that a condition of those promises is that you are walking "upright" or walking in accordance with His commands. When we chose to deviate from His commands, we leave the protection of those promises. We are saved for eternity from our sin, but we are not saved from the consequences of our sin. When we choose the path of flesh, there are consequences that will be ours.
This brings me back to the place I stand. There will be consequences. But the truth is there will be consequences to taking the path that is Spirit, also! Just as Jesus disciples when He asked them to pray, the Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
And this brings me to my biggest struggle of all!
I think of the scripture that speaks of the great cloud of witnesses. I don't mean to sound cynical, but in the American church, I just don't find a great cloud of witnesses. I can count on both hands the number of people I know personally and intimatly who I see within them a commitment to God and the path that is Spirit that I want to emulate. And those who I do want to emulate are very busy people with the work of God! They have little to no time to mentor people like me who want to emulate them. I don't say this as a put down to these people, I say it as a reality of the fast pace life we live here in America!
So I find myself at this crossroads alone. No counsel available from those whose counsel I would consider righteous and wise, yet TONS of counsel from those who view status quot as God's best and think the path that I believe is Spirit is outrageous and even ludicrous! As I have matured in my walk with Christ...especially over the past 12 years, I have come to learn that the outrageous is probably the God way! We have all heard that saying if it is possible by me alone, than there is no room for God to work a miracle. I believe that to be very true! But the other thing I hear all the time is how hard the Spirit path would be. How I need to look out for my children, etc. So how would these people counsel Abraham who put Isaac on an alter and raised a knife to kill him before God provided the ram? No worries, I am not tying any of my children down right now to sacrifice them! But I just wonder how modern American Christians read the stories of the Bible and yet give the counsel that they do, or criticize John and my desire to live a life sold out to Christ in the area that we know is God's purpose for us. Those who have known me very long know that I am a HUGE Beth Moore fan! She talks continuously about our destiny. God has a destiny for us, but it is our choice whether or not we choose to fulfill it! It is the difference between just finishing the race, squeaking by with my fire insurance in tact and standing before my Creator, my Savior on judgement day and hearing, "Well done my Faithful daughter!"
When I put it that way, the choice seems so easy! Who wouldn't want to stand before God and hear those words???? The problem is between where I stand now and d-day are many days on this earth with the words of well meaning Christians mixed with the voice of the enemy in my mind. The enemy wants so badly for me to take that path of flesh! He is so good at providing really good "evidence" for why I should choose that path. I deserve to be happy. Even if I walk away from God's will, at least it will just be my choices I suffer the consequence of and not the consequence of other's choices that I have to suffer in walking the path God has led me down for some time now. (That was clear as mud, huh?!...maybe later I can try to explain what that sentence meant!) God couldn't possibly want my life to be any harder than it already is...after all, so many people already tell me I do too much and my kids suffer. I can even find some scripture to support those lies...if I take them out of their context in scripture.
Add to that all the "theologies" that I have been taught over the years. I have had the privilege in the many moves we have made as well as the vast people I am blessed to know to be exposed to just about every Christian theology known to man in the 21st Century! It has stretched me and grown me over the past few years! It really amazes me how many versions of "the truth" there is all based on one Book! Many of the differences in these theologies I don't believe are worth debating as they don't have eternal significance....like should we raise our hands in worship or not. On the other hand, there are some very significant differences that I believe can make a HUGE impact in how you run the race here on this earth....like can you fall from grace? And does God intend for us to be happy or holy? And if something is hard does that mean it can't be from God?
As I have pondered which way to turn at my crossroads, many of the snippets from these different theologies have crossed my mind. I believe many of these things have been used by the enemy to confuse my thoughts! I believe he has used many of the things that I have been told are truth from so many of these theologies to allow me to justify the path that is flesh!
Now let me explain "justify". John can tell you as I have wrestled with this, I have said all along that I know turning and walking down the path that is flesh is not God's will! I know that it would be flesh and not spirit! I know that in many ways it would lead to death...Romans 8 is clear about that. However, the truths from these theologies really had my normally black and white brain in quite a gray dilemma.
The past four days have been some of the hardest of my life. Never before in my adult life have I been so unclear on what I needed to do or what direction I should take! It was a new feeling for me...one I didn't like and hope to never experience again!
Even in my foggy state, I always know that The Truth is in the Word. I seek that every morning in a time with God. Hadn't been getting a whole lot of clarity, so I picked up the ipod and took it on my walk with me yesterday morning. Already playing somehow when I put the headphones in was a podcast I had downloaded (and I think already listened to but didn't speak to me then like it did this time!) of Beth Moore called "No Longer Tossed". She spoke on just about all the areas I have just mentioned. She gave scriptures to support her arguments!
One of the things that I had spewed in my wrestling was that so many Christians get away with just status quot..or even the wrong path! Why should I take the hard road when I could live like them? Joy has been hard to come by the past couple of years for me. Yes, I know that is part of my immaturity. I know that is part of what God is doing in me right now...teaching me joy and contentment no matter my circumstances just as He did Paul! But I see people who truly seem to be happy, content and successful by American Christian standards as well as worldly standards that really walk a road of status quot. I have always pushed the envelope for walking a life sold out to Christ...status quo has never been ok for me. But as I have wrestled the past few days/weeks with some important decisions on directions for my life, status quo sounded really good!
Beth said in her pod cast that she doesn't know how so many Christians get away with the way they live....God doesn't leave her alone when she tries status quo! AMEN, SISTER!!!! She also spoke of how American churches are FILLED with Spiritual infants! She goes on to talk about how many leaders intentionally keep them that way...that will be addressed through my experience in a post to come...stay tuned....but as she spoke these things, she talked about how the scripture says in the last days deceptive spirits will teach leaders and Christians. The fog lifted! Praise the Lord!!!! Tears poured down my cheeks as I walked (good thing no one was outside at the time or they would have probably called the cops to come get the crazy lady walking down their street!)! I was undone! I immediately began praying with all my being that God would not allow me to be led astray by deceptive spirits! The choice was clear! The ONLY path to take was the Spirit path! I had allowed the enemy to sneak in and he was about to steal, kill and destroy me and my family along with me! Beth went on to talk about how straight spiritual warfare is cut and dry, but deception is a curve ball! It mixes enough truth with lies that you are not sure if it is truth 0r a lie! Words could not have described better where I was! A doctrine that had been spoken to me just a few weeks ago said that I could just quit and God would take me from this earth. I would love nothing more than to go to heaven NOW! I'm ready! That doctrine encouraged me to give up on all God has called me to do and just tell Him I am finished...take me! I would walk the path of flesh, away from Spirit because I just can't handle the battle anymore. So Jesus would just kill me...take me from this earth! But that is a deceptive Spirit. All was clear again!
Well, maybe not "all"! I still struggle with some of God's promises that I feel have failed as I have walked the Spirit path over the last 12 years. There are many things (like Addy's death, Eden's failed adoption, losing our first baby to a miscarriage, a one year halt on Liberian adoptions, etc) that don't appear in my human eyes to have upheld God's promises. But I also know that God's ways are not my ways! I know that many things He has told me, like it will get worse before it gets better, are coming to pass....and it could just be for me to give up on those promises now and take the flesh path would mean that I quit right before I saw the promise fulfilled! Going back to Abraham...he and Sarah took matters into their own hands to fulfill God's promise of a child because they got tired of waiting and we still see the effects of that in the world today! The Israelites had to wait FORTY YEARS to see their promise fulfilled! My microwave view of faith could have just cost me the opportunity to see the miracles I have been praying for over the past 12 years! But in my clarity now, I know that God will be faithful to those promises! I hope and pray I am not like the faithful in Hebrews 11 who "died in faith, without receiving the promises, but having seen them and having welcomed them from a diestance, and having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth." I pray I get to actually see some of these promises fulfilled and be encouraged by them. But if not, I still owe the One who sent His Son to this earth for me my life! I still owe Him who suffered ridicule even though He lived a perfect life my life! As a sermom recently preached by Stever Murrell at our church said, looking at it from that perspective, walking the Spirit path with no promise of ANY reward is not a radical but simply a reasonable response!
I also know that as I stand at this crisis of faith, the enemy would like nothing more than for me to take a turn to the left, take the flesh path, away from God's will, away from God's promises so that I would possibly forever doubt God's goodness and faithfulness. I would be walking away from my destiny...possibly forever in this life! It would ruin all the plans that God has for my family and for what He has called me to in orphan care. I was willing to accept that. That my friends is a scary thought! Especially now that with a clear mind I think of ALL the Christians my stupid decision would effect! What if someone is watching me to see if I take the flesh or Spirit road and uses my decision to determine what road they should take as I have used the decision of others before me to determine which road I would take? I would be held accountable for my part in their decision! We don't think nearly enough about how our decisions effect all those around us who consider us their great cloud of witnesses! Whoever you are, no matter how young in your faith or how mature, you have someone watching you to see how you handle life! They are watching you to see what faith meets reality really looks like!
What picture are you giving them?
To be continued.....
2 comments:
I hear you sister! I could have wrote that post myself :)
What a great reminder to all of us about the lives we live and the examples we set. This has come up for me a few times in the past couple of days and is something I need to work on.
Sorry you're having such a struggle. Sometimes choices are very difficult to make.
Lila
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