Unfulfilled Dreams

John and I are doing an amazing marriage class called Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy Evans. One of the discussion questions was "What unfulfilled dreams do you have for yourself? Do you believe these dreams represent God's desire for you?" Normally, I would think this would take a while for me to think about, but this morning I wrote down three immediately. If you knew the internal battle over the past two to three weeks, you would know how divinely inspired my answer is! So this is what I wrote down:

1. My masters in counseling
2. licensed domestic adoption agency
3. speaker/author
4. maternity home

Now here's the catch. With my thought patterns and actions over the past two to three weeks, I will NEVER attain any of these! Why? Well because all of these will take divine power, strength and wisdom to obtain while being wife to John and mother to 7 children. It will take believing that God knows more than I do! It will take understanding that He has a plan that doesn't look like mine. I've never had "career" goals! My career plan was get married and have babies. PERIOD! Goal accomplished, right?! Well, somewhere along the way, God started twitching that plan. And I still struggle with it. When all children are grown, I would have no problem pursuing these dreams. However, God repeatedly tells me, that some of them are for now. I just don't see how that is possible! But He knows. I have to trust Him. I have to obey Him. For He honors obedience over sacrifice. So the answer to the second part of that question is most definitly YES! They are divinly inspired as I still can't wrap my head around them truly being possible, and I am a safe "dreamer", only God would put anything in my head that is above what "I" can do! That way HE gets the glory!

The last two weeks have been full of thoughts that nothing God promises comes to pass. It's been a time of doubt, crisis of faith, wondering what the future holds. Lots of fear. Since God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and self-discipline, I have no doubt where, or who these thoughts were coming from! But even knowing that, I couldn't shake it. For whatever reason, this morning, I have more clarity of thought!

Over the past two weeks as I have struggled with faith, belief, trust, obedience (the list goes on and on), there has been a consistent voice saying, "It is all to get you off track. The enemy is deceiving. As long as you believe, you will be defeated. You cannot accomplish all I have for you with these thoughts." This morning, as I actually wrote down the unfulfilled dreams that I have, all that there is to lose became amazingly clear. The stakes are too high! I must overcome the doubts and lies! My family and those God will put in my path depend on it. Not to mention, wrestling with lies and doubt are a pretty miserable existence!

Excited to go to church this morning and worship and praise!!!! Have so much to praise Him for this morning! Stay tuned...I think this wild ride called life is about to be turned up a notch!!!!