It will be enough.....

Can anyone out there relate to weariness?  I know weary in this season like I have never known weary before.  I thought I knew weary, but this is weary at a whole new level!  John and I were talking the other day.  I know the joy of the Lord is my strength.  I know we are supposed to have abundant life, and I don't believe that life is one that finds us grumbling all the time and ....weary.  Yet, that is exactly where I find myself most days.

I am doing all I know to do.  I am in the Word daily, praying almost hourly, crying out to God - often even out loud - through out the day as I have feelings of being overwhelmed and feel like the water is most definitely going over my head.  So then the voices start accusing me of not having joy on top of all the other accusations that they have hurled at me throughout the day!

I shared with John that right now life feels like I get up, fail at being a good mother, fail at being a good wife, leave work with a bigger to-do list than I started with despite working my tail off all day, fail at health, fail at our finances....you get the picture.  Then I go to bed defeated, wake up - sometimes with a fresh outlook sometimes with just enough strength to get out of bed - and do it all over again.  There are moments of joy when a baby laughs and it makes me smile, or Journey has a new word he uses in the wrong context, or I see one of the older ones nurturing a relationship with a younger sibling, or John schedules me a massage....there are moments of joy, but overall, life is just extremely weary.

So as I look at school starting and entering the fall season where our schedule becomes double and triple booked most evenings, I almost faint with fear.  I have been trying to gear up.  Yet, it seems God's presence has been just beyond reach the past week.  So today, I just sat down and cried out for a fresh Word from Him.  I just sat in my chair with my coffee...just got still before Him and asked Him to speak.

I opened my Bible, and there was a book mark that took me to Judges.  And plain as day I heard in my head "Judges 6".  So I turn there and start reading.  God promises when we seek Him we will find Him! And today I can testify that is true!

As I began to read Judges 6, I realized it is a very familiar story.  One I had actually read not that long ago after hearing a teaching on Gideon and wanting to do more study on the back story.  There is a part of Gideon's story that I can so relate with! In Judges 6:13, Gideon asks the angel of the Lord, "if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our fathers told us about when they said, 'Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?' But now the Lord has abandoned us and put us into the hand of Midian."  I have rants like that to God, John and sometimes poor intimate friends who catch me on a bad day!  But God, where are the finances to provide for these children you asked me to care for?  But God, if you are with us, why am I having to fight so hard to keep placing waiting children in homes?  But God where is the money to pay for the adoption of these two babies? But God, where is the time to love and parent 8 children and run a ministry and fight for children? Where are all the promises you have given to me when we walked by faith?

Let me stop there and just say....every huge faith step that John and I have taken in the past almost 17 years have failed.  Yes, failed.  At least that is how it appears when looking at outcomes.  If it didn't completely fail, then the outcome looked nothing like what we had thought it would when we stepped off that mountain into a free-fall of trust and faith into it!  I can remember a few years ago when we were once again looking into the face of a huge faith journey.  I just sat and cried asking God why all my "stones of remembrance" were ones of Him failing me?  But as the years have passed, and as I have gotten to know my God more intimately, I no longer look back at those stones of remembrance the same way.  It's true Eden and Addy didn't come home.  It's true adoptions in Liberia did not open back up.  It's true I am not currently in a relationship with the daughter God gave me a mother's heart for. It's true the contract that I worked three years to complete is in jeopardy after only placing 5 waiting children in forever homes.  But with mature eyes, I can see that in each and every one of those circumstances, I grew closer to God.  He taught me a little each time about faith and trust.  He showed me a new dimension of Himself in each journey we took.  And really, I think that was His goal when He asked us to take the step of faith...not the outcome we sought!

So today as I sat and reflected on my weariness and all of the promises God has given over the past couple of years that seem to be empty, I cried out for a new Word of encouragement from the One I have grown to trust and love...and truly believe is good no matter what the circumstances of my life might say.

And just like Him, in His very personal, loving and intimate nature, He answered.  After Gideon's rant about "where are you", God answers him with a sentence I know I have read multiple times but never saw before this morning.  The Holy Spirit highlighted it as I read this morning.  It says, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand.  Am I not sending you?" In the strength you have - soothing balm to my weary soul! God knows I am tired.  God knows I end each day with just enough energy - physically, emotionally and often spiritually - to climb in bed and lay down my head.  And this morning He let me know, that's enough!  Whatever you have, do what I have asked with what you have....it will be enough!

What are you facing today that seems overwhelming? Are you weary or defeated?  Can I encourage you to face today with what you have?  Do it tired.  Do it afraid.  Do it broke.  Do it depressed.  Whatever God is asking you to do this morning, do it with what you have, and at the end of the day, it will be enough if You are trusting in Him!