Wanting God more!

I have found myself trying so hard to stay neutral in this adoption. Trying not to even think about a time line of when he will come home. But how do you know you are gaining a son and not think about when he will be here? I have thought so much about Christmas coming. It is now less than 3 months away. I had secretly kind of hoped he would be here by then, but trying to tell myself I would be ok if he wasn't. I thought I was doing a good job of being "ok" until I got some old clothes out and came across a pair of Christmas PJ's that I think would fit Obie if he is here. The thought of him not being here to wear them brought on the tears and that pit in my stomach. I have now spent two Christmases of my life with a child half way around the world, and I never want to do that again! I want him HERE for that magical time! It just won't be the same with out him here.

So that sends up red flags to me that I am losing sight of what I promised myself I would not do in this adoption journey. With Eden, when it was all said and done, I realized that somewhere along the journey I had taken my eyes of the Author and Perfector of my faith and set my eyes on a goal.....getting Eden to my house! When that didn't happen, I was devestated and ready to walk away from God all together. Then a wise woman (Debbie Dietrich for those of you who know her) reminded me that if I started this journey to glorify God, than He had accomplished and completed the task...He was still there and still would use it for His glory. I had to really look at my intentions and decide if I was truly willing to lay down all my desires and let go of Eden for God's glory? As I start this journey with Obadiah, I don't ever want to get to the point that I want him home more than I want God to be glorified or just more than I want a relationship with God. You see what happened over the course of two years of all kinds of few ups and many downs with Eden's adoption was that God changed my insides! He made me look more like him! He transformed me! So knowing that, I would go through it all again in a heart beat! I got to know my Heavenly Daddy on a more intimate level! So I want to always keep my eyes fixed on God and want Him over an outcome...like Obadiah coming home for Christmas...or at all! But my flesh is strong, and I often listen to the lies that the enemy whispers about the circumstances.

Balance seems to be THE word in my life right now! I must find the balance between getting my heart so set on Obadiah coming home that I lose sight of God's work AND allowing myself to love this little boy with all my heart knowing full well he could never be in my home....but for now, God says I am to call him son! So until I can hold him in my arms, I will hold him in my heart and keep him before the Father who is The Provider and the best parent any of us can ever have!

God, keep my baby safe until You bring him to me!