Freedom from Food: Tools for the Journey

I haven't blogged much about the freedom from food lately because there hasn't been much to blog...except frustration. The pounds haven't fallen off, there a few more added instead. I have prayed and believed and begged and God has been faithful to provide not only answers, but help!

I still believe He has freed me from food. I don't have the addiction or the tendency to run to food for my comfort that I did have. However, I do have habits. I do have set ways that have to be broken. The freedom is here, but now He has to teach me how to walk in it.

I had posted on Facebook a few weeks ago asking my health conscious friends for one or two things they would do if they were wanting to start feeding their families in a more healthy way. One friend sent me a text with a number for a friend who is a CHRISTIAN, a nutritionist and personal trainer. I made the call and she sent me her information on what she offers. I was excited. Then I wasn't. First, obviously she doesn't do this for free. Money is tight. The things I thought we could afford and would be helpful for the entire family, John wasn't really very excited about. So I kind of dropped it.

But as the weight hasn't fallen off and the jeans got a little tighter, I became very discouraged. My freedom from food is tied to many things for me! It is a complicated issue. Losing the weight represents so many things in my spiritual life for me. So when it seems to be just out of my reach, the enemy has a field day with it and convinces me I will never be free in this are or any other and then proceeds to convince me that God doesn't mean anything He says. And that snowball just keep rolling down the hill getting bigger and bigger and faster and faster until it just about takes me over!

Then God shows up! I am not even sure I was praying about it at the time, but a thought dropped into my mind a couple weeks ago. When I lost all my weight in college, I did it with the help of a food journal and a dietitian. She held me accountable with the food log and gave me menu and food ideas for the week ahead. The fog about what I needed to do to walk out of this prison cell of food bondage lifted immediately and what I knew I needed came so easily. I needed accountability and a plan! God spoke to my heart that my struggles with food right now are not in rebellion or from a misplaced worship or loyalty. The struggles are from old habits that I have to break and truly not having a plan for healthy eating. God has told me from the beginning that "programs" are not for me right now because I need to make sure I deal with the spiritual issues. I have even had a family member offer to pay for my hcg shots to do the hcg diet! That was an interesting conversation! :) But God has said a very clear NO to anything like that. But at the same time, doing this alone hasn't worked so well the past 12 years!

With my new clarity, I sat down and wrote a fairly lengthy e-mail to the nutritionist I had talked with previously. I kindly explained that I had looked over her programs and there were not any that I really felt fit what I needed and spelled out what I had heard God tell me I needed. She took awhile to respond as it was during the busy holiday season, but when I got her response, I was overjoyed! Not only was she excited about helping, but the fee she put with the assistance was totally doable even on our tight budget!!!

So January 6, we have our first meeting, and we will meet every other week. I can't wait! I can't wait to be equipped to walk in the freedom that I know is already mine! I will have a plan for each meal and each snack so that old habits or lack of time do not take over and force me to grab the nearest, quickest and usually unhealthy food available as I run out the door or move on to the next kiddo needing my attention! And my entire family will benefit. They don't know it yet, and probably are not going to be entirely thrilled about it, but it will be good for them too!

Our Little Elf Turns 6 Months!

Our Little Elf is six months today! I can't believe it! The time has gone too fast! He is already sitting up, trying to scoot around on his belly and has two teeth with the third one just breaking through yesterday!

He was about as unplanned as a baby gets, but we can't imagine life without him and know that God sent him to us as a precious gift we didn't know we needed or even wanted.

We love you, Journey Josiah! You have given us joy that has sustained us the past 6 months! Happy 1/2 year birthday!

Peek-A-Boo!!!!
Our Happy Elf!!

The "other side" of adoption

I just finished reading a dear friend's adoption story...not the kind of adoption story most of my friends have. Most of my friends are adoptive parents. This friend is a birth mother!

God started teaching me the "other side" of adoption from the very beginning of our adoption journeys with Noah. We only learned of Noah three weeks before he was born. The situation was scary at best since I knew little or nothing about the truth of adoption and just the scary side of all the circumstances that surrounded this situation. We met Noah's birth mother for dinner on July 12. I walked into that Olive Garden a very arrogant woman. I left repentant and humbled. I had some very pre-conceived notions about the woman who would now hold a place in my family forever. But during the course of a three hour meal, God taught me that I can never judge or think about the life of another person without first considering their experiences and place in life. I could not force my way of seeing this situation on this mother who was raised on the streets by a drug addicted mother while I enjoyed the American dream with two wonderful and loving Christian parents. I understood that this woman who sat before me loved the life inside of her even if her actions didn't "show" it according to the way those in my circle viewed loving a child!

God continued to show me the birth family side even as I traveled to Sierra Leone to complete Eden's adoption and stand at the grave of Addy. There were three families traveling to Sierra Leone. The other two families had birth families who were distant or in one case a bit crazy. But Eden and Addy's dad was amazing. Eden brushed her teeth and washed her face while her father, standing on his only remaining leg, washed his face by her side. You could tell she had been loved and taught to do what she could with what they had. I will never forget the first night I had her. She was sitting on my lap in the living room of the place we stayed, and we were watching TV. I looked up to see her dad standing in the doorway looking at us with a tear sliding down his cheek. I have worked in adoptions in Africa now as an agency. There are many reasons some families give children for adoption to Americans. But this daddy had buried one daughter and didn't ever want to bury another! He loved this little girl and was trying to give her a life he couldn't and the safety he longed for her to have. He had already been in and out of hospitals struggling for his own life because of the infections in his legs and he didn't want to leave his daughter an orphan! The way he handled our entire trip and the bond that little girl and I shared was what made her failed adoption the hardest thing in my life to overcome.

Then with my work in Liberia, I came to respect many birth families, and despise others. I saw families who were left with no choice but to watch their children die of starvation or beg and plead for a better life for them. I watched others who thought adoption was a free ticket to America some day (and those are the ones I refused to deal with if I could be sure of their motives!). We worked very hard to ensure only children who desperately needed new homes were placed for adoption.

God stretched me even further with Madison's adoption. It is no secret that I am not a fan of fully open adoption where both families have constant communication and contact. I have many reasons for this belief and totally understand it is the politically incorrect view of adoption. But I also believe the openness of an adoption is a personal choice that must be made between the adoptive family and the birth family and the only absolute I stand by is that the best interest of the child and not either family should be the number one driving factor in any decision about openness!

With that said, you can understand even more why Madison's situation is so amazing. Madison was placed in our home because my parents knew her birth mother. Madison was placed with us as "fictive kin" before we were licensed foster parents. When we became involved with Madison, it was because I was working with her mother to try to get to a place where the state would let her have Madison back. I actually took her mom to her first visit with Madison after she had been taken into CPS custody. We did not have a clue at that time what God's plan was for us in this family's life and we were totally open to whatever it was...we didn't know if we were there to serve the birth mother, the baby or both! I continued my efforts with Madison's mother even after Madison came to live with us. I would offer to go pick her up and drive her to get job applications or to turn them in. I would call her with places I knew were hiring as getting a job was one of the biggest goals to regaining custody of Madison. Obviously, ultimately Madison ended up with us permanently. However, we didn't just gain Madison, we gained an entire extended family. We have what I never thought I could handle...we have an open relationship with part of Madison's biological family. Madison's maternal grandmother is raising her other half siblings and we consider them our extended family. We text regularly, exchange pictures often and even visit from time to time. It has stretched me for sure, but I am able to do it because Madison's grandmother is very respectful of us as a family and is safe to have in Madison's life.

But now, as we walk out Paizley's unplanned pregnancy, I find myself truly on the "other side". Whether Paizley parents or places the baby is truly her decision. But just because it is her decision doesn't mean that it impacts the rest of us who love her...and the baby... any less.

I have talked to Paizley, I have talked to John, and I have talked to friends. As I read my friend's story about placing her baby for adoption, all those conversations and the questions that lurk in my heart came back.

What if? What if Paizley decides she isn't able to parent this baby right now and wants to place him or her for adoption? Wants to place my grandbaby for adoption? Many have asked if we would take him or her to raise? We have told Paizley we will not do this...that is what I've always said in hypothetical discussions. This isn't hypothetical. This is real. This is a child, my grandchild, my baby's baby. Please understand this is my transparent, raw emotion here. I know the decision is hers, and I know there are many emotions for her in this. I'm not overlooking those, but as I was talking with some other parents recently, we discussed how sometimes we act like parents check all emotions and feelings at the door when we become parents. Obviously we can't act on our emotions and feelings all the time, but that doesn't mean they are not here.

My life's calling is to take in children...to provide families for children who need a family. How would I ever let one go? One thing we know is that we will not raise the child as grandparents. Either Paizley will be mom, committed to raising the child, and we will be grandparents; she will place the baby with another couple to be parents or we will be the parents. I am not sure how you raise a grandchild as a child and not have some confusion in the family...for that child as well as other young children in the family. But I also don't know how 18 or more years from now I answer a young man or woman who might ask, "You took in all these children, but there was no room for me?"

So what if reality is Paizley decides adoption is the best option for her and her baby? Will I really be able to let the baby go? Despite my anger when I first found out and despite the still very real struggles of the day to day reality of what this pregnancy means for Paizley and our family, I already find myself loving the baby...it has a face now...it has fingers and toes...is has a heart...and it has my heart! John says we can't raise it. I don't know if I could let it go. It's her baby. It's my grand baby. It's her decision. It's my heart.

God has a plan....and I pray daily for Paizley, me and John to have the faith, strength and courage to walk whatever path He has!

Christmas Pictures!

To get 9 people together for a picture shoot....4 of whom are under 6 and under takes more patience than I usually have! And with all the additions to our family lately, we have had MANY family pics in the past few months. It also gets tight on the pocket book paying for these family portrait sessions! I have a sweet friend who takes creative pictures even though is not a professional photographer. She and her husband were so generous to come and take pictures for our Christmas cards! It was really fun! And the results were even more fun! So here is our family this Christmas!

A little preparation goes a long way!

Seems like I don't have many "good" parenting moments lately. More of just survival! However, I am trying to take life back instead of letting life take me down! For those who know my nature, you know this is difficult for me. I'm prone to not plan, procrastinate and even when I do plan, not follow it because something or in most cases someone comes up to interrupt the plan!But last night was different! And it worked!

Going out to eat with my crew takes half a months wages..ok, not quite half, but more than we can afford very often. So we rarely go to "nice" restaurants. However, we want our children to know how to behave somewhere besides Taco Villa, and we want them to have experiences in the restaurants others talk about. So once in awhile we splurge. The fact that these trips are rare and that we are spending a small fortune to have the experience means I get very upset when one of the kids ruins it with a fit or attitude. We have one child in particular who routinely ruins our restaurant experiences. He/she usually throws the first tantrum when it comes time to order drinks. He/she stalls on purpose, for what reason we haven't quite figured out, which usually ends in us telling the waiter that he/she will take water since he/she can't make up his/her mind. Then the pouting and taking anger out on whatever unlucky sibling is in the vicinity begins.

Last night we had a big surprise for our kids planned. It started with dinner at a nice, sit down restaurant. I was determined that said child would not ruin our entire evening...once the pouting starts, it's all down hill and behaviors worsen exponentially until we get home. So with what I know had to be a Holy Spirit idea, I had a pro-active discussion with this child.

Last time we went out to eat, we had one of these meltdowns and I had told this lovely of mine that the next time he/she threw one of these fits, he/she would not go with us to eat the next time and would be left at home with a baby sitter at his/her expense. So right before we left, I took this child aside and reminded him/her of my promise from the last time the fit was thrown. But I also made a plan for if something happened. This is a child who has a very difficult time expressing any emotion in a constructive and appropriate way. Something we actually deal with a ton in our family because of the background of most of our kiddos. I told this child that I wanted him/her to know that I was willing to listen to any argument he/she had about anything he/she felt was unfair during the course of the evening, but I would not have that discussion until we got home. So I asked him/her to come up with a code word so that if he/she felt something had been unfair or he/she was getting angry, he/she could use the code word and know we would talk about it later instead of holding it inside and getting angry or lashing out at the nearest sibling. He/she got to choose the code word which was "meep - meep" - like the road runner says! Wouldn't have been my choice, especially since I had to use it if I saw behavior I needed to stop, but it was his/her choice, so "meep-meep" it was! He/she thought that was really cool and we set out for our evening with a plan!

The coolest part? Well, we didn't have to use that code word, not one time! I truly think taking that time before we left made that child feel significant enough and also gave him/her a feeling that no matter what happened there was a way to be heard that there was no acting out!

God used this to remind me that parenting must be intentional! And that when I stop to prepare for behaviors instead of constantly just reacting to them, our world turns much smoother! And since this is so contrary to my nature, I often wonder why God gave me a) so many children and b) children from hard places to parent! Maybe its because regardless of how many times I fail as a mom, I love these babies! I may not discipline the right way, I may not provide all the experiences I wish I could or that they may want, but I couldn't love them anymore than I do!

But from now on, we will have that little conversation before every trip to eat out! It was such a nice evening!

We are growing again....

I've drug my feet writing this post. Mainly because I don't really like dealing with the reality of what I'm about to share. But also because I really don't want to know what others think right now. Having enough trouble dealing with my own thoughts on the matter and walking my entire family through this without the comments of those who don't really know us or our hearts.


I want you to know that my last post about Paizley and her one year anniversary of being with us was written with the full knowledge of what I am sharing....and I meant every word! So this is what I knew....Paizley is pregnant. Our family will be growing again in a way I never hoped. While as a parent I have always said I'm not prideful or naive enough to think we wouldn't have to deal with a pregnant teen, I never thought I would be doing it this soon. But here we are.

As I have shared with our close friends and family the most difficult part of this is learning how to deal with the entire issue and balance the fact that a sin created this life, but the life is not a sin. We are so sorrowful and at times angry about the choices that were made that got us to this point, but we can't be angry at an innocent life now growing inside my daughter. We have to celebrate this life as we would any because God has ordained it just as He does all lives He creates! (Psalm 139).

I'm sure many will judge us on many levels as we walk this journey. Each step we did what we believed was best for Paizley and our entire family. The irony of this is that she was being home schooled (what I think many times is seen as the ultimate protection from "the world") when this happened. One thing I've learned is that short of locking them in a room with no windows and only a little air to breath, your children will make their own choices and whether you agree with them or not, you all have to deal with the consequences.

Many have asked if we are encouraging her to place the baby for adoption. And most are shocked to learn that at this time we are not encouraging that. Obviously we are very pro-adoption! We fully believe adoption is a great option for unplanned pregnancies. However, we have always believed and still believe that this should be the last resort (other than abortion of course which is not even an option in our minds) for the biological family. Let me try to explain.

God gave this baby to Paizley. One thing I will never understand is why so many loving families struggle with infertility while so many babies are having babies and so many women who truly don't want their children are becoming pregnant multiple times. I don't understand it. I didn't understand it when we miscarried and the pain was very personal, and I don't understand it now when my daughter is one of those teens that is making it difficult for others who struggle with infertility. All I know is God's ways and thoughts are not mine! And I, the clay, do not say to the potter do this or that! And that is where I have to leave those thoughts and feelings.

But I know this. God does not give us more than we can handle IN HIM! That is a vital part of that scripture that we often leave out. I also know God does not give babies to women for them to give to someone else. Let me add here that there are extenuating circumstances of course. There are young women who have no support system who truly can't take on the financial or emotional strain of a baby and the most selfless thing they can do is place the baby. Those women are my heroes! I've always wondered how they have the strength to do it and sitting where I am now, I wonder even more! I can't even imagine what it takes to look at your baby, kiss it good bye and hand it to another person all because you love him or her so much that you want what you can't give! Truly, if you are reading this and have walked that path, I am in awe! You are amazing!!! But in general, I hold to the belief that if God has placed a life in you, He will equip you and walk with you in order to parent that baby. However, that means you have to be willing to make the choices and put forth the effort to grow and mature into the parent God intends you to be.

And that is what we are telling our daughter. First and foremost, the decision is hers. This is her baby! But at this point, we are encouraging her to put forth the effort to become the mother this baby needs. We have a lot of hard work ahead of us these next few months in all areas. But I believe Paizley can be an amazing mother to this child, and I would never encourage any woman to place her baby for adoption if she is willing to put in the work to mother him or her!

My mommy heart aches for Paizley. I keep willing time to stand still so this baby won't come until she gets to have the childhood that had already been robbed of her. The childhood we were trying so desperately to give back to her. But no matter how much I long for the time to stop....it keeps going and the baby inside of her is growing every day...and now, she has to be a woman....a mom. I struggle with what role this puts her and me and all the other children in. I feel like my home has been turned upside down and inside out.

Fear for what the future holds could overcome all of us at any moment. But as I've said over and over these last few weeks, this we know: this is no surprise to God, He still sits on His throne, and we will get through this...One. Day. At. A. Time....because He promises that He will never leave us or forsake us! And the other thing I know without a doubt is that I am more thankful than ever that God gave me Paizley. The hurt and pain and anger and frustration and the 1,000 + 1 other emotions I have had are all worth it because a life has been redeemed...there is hope that Paizley can still have an amazing life and so can this child. Paizley has a support system now that she didn't have just 14 months ago...and that support system is called a family! It's been the hardest year of my life, and this next one might knock this year off that title....but even still, she is my daughter, and I would not change that. I find myself falling to my knees often these days, but I'm just thankful there is a place to fall!

We covet your prayers. The prayers of our friends and family who know have kept our noses just above drowning level these past few weeks. We covet your prayers for our other children. They have to deal with this also. And we covet your prayers for Paizley.