The "other side" of adoption

I just finished reading a dear friend's adoption story...not the kind of adoption story most of my friends have. Most of my friends are adoptive parents. This friend is a birth mother!

God started teaching me the "other side" of adoption from the very beginning of our adoption journeys with Noah. We only learned of Noah three weeks before he was born. The situation was scary at best since I knew little or nothing about the truth of adoption and just the scary side of all the circumstances that surrounded this situation. We met Noah's birth mother for dinner on July 12. I walked into that Olive Garden a very arrogant woman. I left repentant and humbled. I had some very pre-conceived notions about the woman who would now hold a place in my family forever. But during the course of a three hour meal, God taught me that I can never judge or think about the life of another person without first considering their experiences and place in life. I could not force my way of seeing this situation on this mother who was raised on the streets by a drug addicted mother while I enjoyed the American dream with two wonderful and loving Christian parents. I understood that this woman who sat before me loved the life inside of her even if her actions didn't "show" it according to the way those in my circle viewed loving a child!

God continued to show me the birth family side even as I traveled to Sierra Leone to complete Eden's adoption and stand at the grave of Addy. There were three families traveling to Sierra Leone. The other two families had birth families who were distant or in one case a bit crazy. But Eden and Addy's dad was amazing. Eden brushed her teeth and washed her face while her father, standing on his only remaining leg, washed his face by her side. You could tell she had been loved and taught to do what she could with what they had. I will never forget the first night I had her. She was sitting on my lap in the living room of the place we stayed, and we were watching TV. I looked up to see her dad standing in the doorway looking at us with a tear sliding down his cheek. I have worked in adoptions in Africa now as an agency. There are many reasons some families give children for adoption to Americans. But this daddy had buried one daughter and didn't ever want to bury another! He loved this little girl and was trying to give her a life he couldn't and the safety he longed for her to have. He had already been in and out of hospitals struggling for his own life because of the infections in his legs and he didn't want to leave his daughter an orphan! The way he handled our entire trip and the bond that little girl and I shared was what made her failed adoption the hardest thing in my life to overcome.

Then with my work in Liberia, I came to respect many birth families, and despise others. I saw families who were left with no choice but to watch their children die of starvation or beg and plead for a better life for them. I watched others who thought adoption was a free ticket to America some day (and those are the ones I refused to deal with if I could be sure of their motives!). We worked very hard to ensure only children who desperately needed new homes were placed for adoption.

God stretched me even further with Madison's adoption. It is no secret that I am not a fan of fully open adoption where both families have constant communication and contact. I have many reasons for this belief and totally understand it is the politically incorrect view of adoption. But I also believe the openness of an adoption is a personal choice that must be made between the adoptive family and the birth family and the only absolute I stand by is that the best interest of the child and not either family should be the number one driving factor in any decision about openness!

With that said, you can understand even more why Madison's situation is so amazing. Madison was placed in our home because my parents knew her birth mother. Madison was placed with us as "fictive kin" before we were licensed foster parents. When we became involved with Madison, it was because I was working with her mother to try to get to a place where the state would let her have Madison back. I actually took her mom to her first visit with Madison after she had been taken into CPS custody. We did not have a clue at that time what God's plan was for us in this family's life and we were totally open to whatever it was...we didn't know if we were there to serve the birth mother, the baby or both! I continued my efforts with Madison's mother even after Madison came to live with us. I would offer to go pick her up and drive her to get job applications or to turn them in. I would call her with places I knew were hiring as getting a job was one of the biggest goals to regaining custody of Madison. Obviously, ultimately Madison ended up with us permanently. However, we didn't just gain Madison, we gained an entire extended family. We have what I never thought I could handle...we have an open relationship with part of Madison's biological family. Madison's maternal grandmother is raising her other half siblings and we consider them our extended family. We text regularly, exchange pictures often and even visit from time to time. It has stretched me for sure, but I am able to do it because Madison's grandmother is very respectful of us as a family and is safe to have in Madison's life.

But now, as we walk out Paizley's unplanned pregnancy, I find myself truly on the "other side". Whether Paizley parents or places the baby is truly her decision. But just because it is her decision doesn't mean that it impacts the rest of us who love her...and the baby... any less.

I have talked to Paizley, I have talked to John, and I have talked to friends. As I read my friend's story about placing her baby for adoption, all those conversations and the questions that lurk in my heart came back.

What if? What if Paizley decides she isn't able to parent this baby right now and wants to place him or her for adoption? Wants to place my grandbaby for adoption? Many have asked if we would take him or her to raise? We have told Paizley we will not do this...that is what I've always said in hypothetical discussions. This isn't hypothetical. This is real. This is a child, my grandchild, my baby's baby. Please understand this is my transparent, raw emotion here. I know the decision is hers, and I know there are many emotions for her in this. I'm not overlooking those, but as I was talking with some other parents recently, we discussed how sometimes we act like parents check all emotions and feelings at the door when we become parents. Obviously we can't act on our emotions and feelings all the time, but that doesn't mean they are not here.

My life's calling is to take in children...to provide families for children who need a family. How would I ever let one go? One thing we know is that we will not raise the child as grandparents. Either Paizley will be mom, committed to raising the child, and we will be grandparents; she will place the baby with another couple to be parents or we will be the parents. I am not sure how you raise a grandchild as a child and not have some confusion in the family...for that child as well as other young children in the family. But I also don't know how 18 or more years from now I answer a young man or woman who might ask, "You took in all these children, but there was no room for me?"

So what if reality is Paizley decides adoption is the best option for her and her baby? Will I really be able to let the baby go? Despite my anger when I first found out and despite the still very real struggles of the day to day reality of what this pregnancy means for Paizley and our family, I already find myself loving the baby...it has a face now...it has fingers and toes...is has a heart...and it has my heart! John says we can't raise it. I don't know if I could let it go. It's her baby. It's my grand baby. It's her decision. It's my heart.

God has a plan....and I pray daily for Paizley, me and John to have the faith, strength and courage to walk whatever path He has!