So I haven't posted a lot on the journey to being a grand mother. There are many reasons for that, but the main one being I have respected Paizley's privacy as she has walked out this season. I will continue to do that so there will be few details in this post. I hesitated writing this as without the details (or even with the details for some) this post has the potential to bring harsh judgement and accusation. But God brought to mind my fellow pre-mature grandparents to be and reminded me that this is one of those hard topics that just isn't talked about often enough. So I am putting it out there in the hopes of others once again finding encouragement just to know they are not alone!
This journey is hard! Yesterday Paizley had her second sonogram. Baby is still a girl. They did the 3D or whatever that is called where you can almost "see" her...like for real! It is creepy and amazing all in one! As the face came into view, the tears started to fall. I couldn't help it. They weren't tears of joy, but tears of heart ache! I was looking into a precious face that I just might have to hold and kiss what appears to be a very chubby cheek then let go. Because we haven't shared details with hardly anyone but those in our intimate circle, few know the events of the past seven months. But the events have been such that even at this late date, we do not know for sure what will happen with our baby girl.
All options are still out there. It is our most sincere prayer and heart's desire for this baby girl to be raised in the arms of her mother with the loving doting of two grandparents who weren't quite ready to embrace the title, but are more than ready to love a life and speak into that life all she needs to be all God has planned for her! But the truth is, John and I can't make the decisions that will ensure that scenario. We can support, pray, plead and plan for that, but ultimately the journey this path takes is not in our hands.
Early in the pregnancy, my heart for this baby girl was tender. But over the months with each incident, a brick was placed in a wall of protection. I find it hard these days to even picture her or what life with her in our home will look like. Some of that is fear of what that reality is because I can't imagine adding a baby to what our day to day looks like right now, but a big part of it is that I don't really know that day to day life with her will exist. I don't know what decisions Paizley will make in the next 7 weeks. I don't know for sure what decisions John and I will make in response to those decisions made by Paizley. The thought of loving her and then having to let her go literally, physically, takes my breath away!
I have learned a new level of trust in God over the past few weeks. I pray almost daily for answers in this situation, for specific directions. And there is silence. The only answer I get is, "Day by day, Daughter, day by day." Those who know me know I am a planner! Not just for the physical aspects of events, but for the emotional as well! I want to know which basket to put my emotions in. But God wants me to put my emotions, plans, hopes, dreams, hurts, etc, etc, in HIM! I am learning to do that! I am learning to go about the day to day without knowing what tomorrow will bring.
But there are the moments like yesterday sitting in the sonogram room after having a very candid discussion with Paizley in the waiting room that the reality of our situation hits like a ton of bricks and the pain comes! This has been a journey of more heart ache yet with the potential for the most hope of anything I have ever walked. Yet as I look at all the possible outcomes, there is not a single one that is "easy". They all come with a cost that is almost more than I think I can pay...until I remember the cross. I might can look at the people in the situation and think I can't do this, but the people are not who called me to this, it was Jesus! God was the one who asked us to bring a 15 year old girl without a family into our home and make her our daughter. We said yes. So to turn back now would be to spit in the face of the One who was mocked, beaten, whipped and nailed to a cross for me. Regardless of whatever pain and discomfort this journey brings, it is nothing compared to what My Savior already did for me. And for those who have adopted, you know, she is no longer some teen that needs a family, she is my daughter. PERIOD. So walking away from her is never an option!
And that is why we press on! That is why I do trust Him with the next few months. He is worthy of my trust and He is worthy of my pain! This journey is for Him! And it's why I can look friends who are thinking about adopting teens from the system in the face and say, "It has been the hardest year of my life, but I would do it again!"
If we come to mind, pray for us. Pray for Paizley. God has a hope and a plan for her and this baby that far exceeds everything she ever hoped or dreamed. Pray she embraces that! Pray for John and I as we walk out these next few weeks. Pray for equal parts love and truth. Pray for wisdom beyond our years to guide, direct and decide what is best for everyone involved. And pray for our other 6 children. The last months have taken its toll on them too....and the only thing harder than being refined by God is watching your children being refined by God!
And for all my fellow adoptive moms turned grandma sooner than we would have liked, you are not alone! If you ever need an ear that truly gets it, call or e-mail! I would love to visit. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5
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2 comments:
(((((hug)))))) I so admire how you are handling all this and I really am benefiting from your open honesty on the subject. Praying for you all.
Gosh, there is so much I want to say. First there is NOTHING to be critized!!! You are being open and honest and I promise another mom, whether it is foster, adoptive, or bio they WILL need to read or hear this. What we do so often is "pretty things up." I believe because of this ppl are often shocked at what they walk into or feel so much guilt for very real and very normal feelings!!! There is never a time that we like someone all of the time. Mothers love their children adopted and bio but it's ok to not like them or what they do. It is NORMAL! You have a wonderful gift to work with and love children that have come to you through adoption. Being a mom is the very hardest job there is and then you add being an adoptive mother too. Man, that's a tough one. You are going to love this child like they are yours. That changes pretty quick for you....you are a mom. However, it doesn't always come quick for the child. I love that you are as honest as you have been. I believe this is why all of your hard work is paying off. I pray for you and John and your children daily. You speak the language I know. You have the children I have grown to love to work with. Continue to hear what God is speaking to you. Know that there is a reason that a 15 yr old was added to your family. When I got divorced I was also being promoted. It was all too much so I saw a counselor because I too like things in a nice neat order. I kept telling her I need my ducks in a row and she finally said to me can you be ok with your ducks all in the same pond? Simple really but I can't tell you how many times I have reminded myself that my ducks just need to be in the same pond!!!! God really has a sense of humor!!! One last thing....being a young grand parent means y'all will still be fun!! My grand parents were in their late 30's when I was born and I have the best memories with them and I still have them in my life. I have learned so much from both of them and I know all the stories and I'm so blessed because of it. Feel it, own it, give it to to God!!!!! Prayers!
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