Saying Yes

I really should be getting on the road as I return home to my family today, but I know the opportunity to share my experience this weekend and most recently this morning will escape me once the business of life takes over.  And I hope this story will encourage any of you who may be standing on the edge of a call and are trying to decide if you want to take that step of faith or turn around and run a different direction.

I came to our friends house this weekend to write the book on spiritual warfare in adoption.  When I left home Friday, there was really no question of "if" I would write it.  God has told me to, and my very act of making the time and arrangements and getting away this weekend was out of obedience to what God told me to do.  Period.

But once I started writing, the reason for the location so far from home and the time away became clear!  I spent most of yesterday in tears.  As I would write, the voices would taunt me with how controversial this topic will be.  I thought back to my years working in Liberia where I stood for ethics and would not pay bribes or work in shady ways to bring children home.  My reputation, my character, my ministry, my family, my sanity...it was all drug through the mud in that season of life.  Not exactly a place I want to return.  This past season has been a difficult one, but at lease it was a private season of refining.  We got to pick and choose who was in the know about our battles.  Liberia was not just out there, but even in the media at one point! The flashbacks made me reconsider writing the book. I found myself deleting entire lines and trying to rewrite them in a more politically correct or potentially less controversial way.

For a few hours, I really couldn't figure out what was happening.  At first I thought it was just the emotion of reliving part of the past few years, but I really didn't think that was eliciting the emotions I was feeling.  I wondered if this is what they call "writer's block".  But I finally realized what this weekend was about!  Yes, I was able to make progress on the book. I have written parts of five different chapters and over 6,000 words this weekend.  But this was not just about writing, it was about solidifying my acceptance of the task God has asked me to complete. It was about God seeking an answer from me about the task and me accepting the task knowing exactly what it could mean.  It was me saying YES in spite of all that could be on the path.  Ironically, it was me doing with this book what I am writing about families doing in their adoption journey!  Gotta love God's sense of humor!

At one point, Saturday afternoon, I started to delete all I had written and go home.  I was done and didn't want to continue writing or even consider making a finished product that would be published for others to read and scrutinize.  But on the way up here, I listened to a podcast about Christian writing.  One of the things that the podcast talked about was the reason for you to write.  One of those reasons was to change the world.  Now, I don't think my book will change the world, but my motivation for writing is that adoptive families need this information and it is not out there right now.

I have amazing prayer warriors as friends.  Twice on Saturday when I didn't think I could continue, I received text messages at just the right time encouraging me in what I am doing.  Those friends were the voices that silenced the other voices telling me to quit.

 This morning I went for a walk.  This is the path I was walking on

 I love going for walks as I walk and talk to God.  Not usually out loud but sometimes I even talk out loud!  I have always been able to hear God better and just feel closer to Him out in nature.  But this path wasn't all that inspiring, honestly.  Then I turned a corner and looked up....

This is what I saw!  It was as if God said, "walk into my sanctuary and sit a minute!" I walked under that tree into the grassy area just past the fence and a cool breeze blew as if the breath of God had just blown over me. I probably should have removed my sneakers.  That was how holy this ground felt as I walked into it!  I looked up and there was this rock - and God said, "Sit awhile."

I looked up and this was my view - the cool breeze still hanging around me.

 I don't know that I have ever felt the tangible presence of God in my life as I did in that moment.  I wasn't sure what to do.  Talking didn't seem appropriate.  I was afraid if I just sat, my mind would wonder and I would lose the moment.  So I did what I thought I should do in the presence of God, I wanted to sing a praise song.  I started to sing and the song that came to mind was from way back ...O God, You are my God, and I will ever praise you!  O God You are my God and I will ever praise You!  I will seek You in the morning, and I will learn to walk in Your ways..O God you are my God and I will ever praise You!  As I sang, God brought to mind the thoughts I had faced this weekend about the book.  He told me to look at the covering of the trees in this place, to feel the cool air. This path is learning to walk in His ways.  I know God gave me this moment to cling to if battles come over the content of the book.  He reminded me that He promises to be my protector, that He hides me in the shadow of His wings just like I was hidden in this place in the middle of dead grass and cleared land for new construction.  He reminded me that just last night John called me to tell me about a letter we received in the mail that ended a month long battle over a totally different issue but that had the potential to completely alter my life.  But God has promised me on that journey to be my protector and defender as well.  The timing of that letter is not lost on me.  He reminded me that when I get still, He will meet me.  He reminded me that obedience rarely happens without sacrifice on some level.  He asked me for a commitment to see this project through but reminded me with my commitment to see it through came His promise to never leave me or forsake me.

We serve a faithful, personal God!  I don't know what if any trials will come because of this book.  I know I now have specific prays for my prayer warriors about not just my writing of this book but about the reception of and the impact on the audience I am writing for.  But God so tenderly reminded me this morning that the outcome of the book is His to determine.  It's His job!  My job is simply to write the book in obedience.  My job is to say Yes to His call!