He wants to take your burdens

Last night nearing the end of our praise and worship time, there was a still - no organized singing by the praise team, just spontaneous words and songs of praise from the congregation - a time of ministering by the Spirit.  As I stood there, I "saw" - not with physical eyes, but in my minds' eye, my spirit - a white sphere floating, and when it moved, it left a tail of light as it moved.  It was what I would call an aura.  God said it was his ministering spirit (Hebrews 1:14).  I saw it move from person to person in the congregation.  Just as our pastor said, "The anointing comes to life the burden," God spoke to me saying, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light!"  If you are like me, that scripture has been a struggle. My times of walking in faith have been some of my most trying...but God said this is season is a training ground, and I know this is one of the things He is teaching me! Even when things are tough, the yoke is easy and the burden is light.  We had just finished singing one of my favorite songs.  Some of the lyrics say, "I call your Name, Lord you reply, you bring your kingdom and stand by my side."  I saw the white glow stopping at each person.  From those who allowed him, he took burdens off of them as he passed from one to another.  As I saw him moving toward me, I opened my hands and an overwhelming sense of God's presence washed over me, and peace beyond understanding washed over.  I felt like a lead brick had been taken off my body.  It was amazing.  And what God was showing me is that He wants me to always feel that light...even in the midst of trials.  But I have to learn to allow Him to carry the burden and not pick it up myself.

God didn't lead me to share this in the service last night, but as I woke this morning, I knew I needed to share it.  This kind of thing is new for me...part of my deeper walk with God.  So I can't say I was a little apprehensive putting it out there, but I know from past experience if God lays it on my heart to share publicly, then someone out there, a fellow warrior for His kingdom needed to hear it! So if you have a heavy burden today, put some praise and worship music on, get still before God and let Him lift your burden!

Was it God?

I have heard many comments lately that have raised the proverbial hair on the back of my neck.  It it's one thing I have wrestled with through our failed adoptions and some personal struggles it is free will versus God's will and handling disappointments.  There was a time that spans many years where I could not tell you a personal story of victory and happy ending after a leap of faith.  We had taken some pretty big ones, and they all had endings far from what I had hoped.  Disappointment. There are posts on this blog during those times.  Even if I don't come right out and say it...you can read the disappointment between the lines.

My immediate reaction to those disappointments was much the same as what I see in other people as they struggle through disappointments in their lives...God, where are you?! Those of us who have been in church most of our lives can easily quote Deuteronomy 31:6 " Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" But the truth is during those times of disappointment early in my walk in relationship with God, I didn't believe it!  I would cry out to God with that same verse asking where He was.  I wanted so badly to believe He was beside me, but honestly, I felt alone and abandoned.  I had head knowledge....I wanted to believe what God's Word said, but my circumstances just didn't speak to that.  My experience was not lining up with truth.

When that happens, our immediate human nature response is to throw out "truth"!  Our experiences must be what is accurate in our human, world-based mind, so we come to the conclusion that the "truth" has to be wrong.  And that is the biggest lie from the pit of hell!  It is exactly what the enemy wants us to believe.  Because when we begin to believe that our experience trumps truth, we start to doubt God. If satan can start us on the path of doubting God, he can unravel just about any part of our faith and our testimony.  

When we face disappointments, and view them through our flesh, through our experience, through our circumstance we are left with three conclusions:

1. I didn't hear God right in the first place
2. God is not trust worthy
3. God doesn't really exist

Can I be honest?  I have entertained all three of those conclusions at times of disappointment in my life.  After I came home from Sierra Leone without Eden, number 3 was my conclusion.  I was ready to walk away from God.  I was so close to the line of denouncing God and going about my days living life for what felt good and right to the senses, to doing what made me "happy"!  But that is why God says we are to live by faith and not by sight! I praise God that in that exact time, I was reading Captivating.  I had amazing people in my life to speak truth during that time right after I returned without my daughter.  But I wouldn't talk to them.  I knew what they would say, and frankly, I didn't want to hear it! But for some reason, I kept reading this book which is evidence that God will use whatever He can to reach us in our time of despair and need!  In Captivating, the author speaks of a woman who is so at ease with herself because she finds her strength and identity in the Lord that women are at ease with themselves in her presence.  I don't remember the exact wording, but it spoke of being able to "breath" in this woman's presence because there was room to breath based on her ability to rest in God.  I didn't know about all the God parts of that woman, but I knew deep down, throwing out all morals, all laws, all boundaries, the thing I wanted more than anything else in life was to be that woman!  As soon as that thought came over me, a still small voice said, "And how do you think you will be that woman without me?" And that began my journey back to God.

The next steps of faith were harder to take as I didn't want to experience disappointment.  I struggled for almost a decade with how to handle when walking by faith didn't produce anything I thought I would see! But God was so faithful to continue to write and perfect my faith through calling me to acts that would test my ability to trust Him.  To be able to handle disappointment and not turn all the emotions of that disappointment into disappointment in God.

I was watching the Bethel sermon from last Sunday, March 17, 2013.  If you are struggling through any disappointments, I would highly encourage you to watch it!  And Bill Johnson said, "God's ability to redeem hellish situations is so profound, the Church has jumped to conclusions assuming God designed the hellish situation....We must distinguish between what God approved, what he ordained, and what the enemy meant for evil."  That is profound people!  Until we can do that, we will never fully trust God.  Until we can do this, the enemy will always taunt us with questions of whether God is truly good or whether we can truly trust God.  Until you have walked through horrible situations and can say without a doubt God is good and can be trusted, the enemy will call those truths into question in your mind.  Bill goes on to say that death, loss and destruction are the enemy's fingerprints.  God can absolutely, and he does in amazing ways, use those circumstances to draw people to Him or to transform His people, but they are not from him!

One of the statements that made the hair stand up on the back of my neck this past week was about adoptions situations and when they don't go as we plan.  The statement pretty well said just accept it.  It was God's will.  I just wanted to scream, "NO! IT'S NOT!"  God is a God of restoration, healing, life!  Anything that is death, destruction and loss is from the enemy!  Does God allow those things, yes!  Will I ever understand why He allows them?  Not fully...His ways are not mine...or yours!  But when we fall into the thinking that those events, those circumstances that bring death, loss and destruction were His ordained will, we have created god who is not to be trusted.  We create a god who is not love.  We create a god who is not faithful.  And that is not the God I serve!

It has taken me nearly 10 years to be able to write this post with confidence and absolute belief!  Meaning, I know in my core, I have experienced in my inner being that even when things don't go as planned, God is good!  God is trustworthy!  God is faithful!  I could quote the scripture before, but it was just empty words....now those words are supported with belief and "knowing"!  It took "losing" another daughter to get to that point.  

To be continued.....

It's Not for Comfort

My first week down with the new job..and there were many moments I wondered what in the world I got myself into!  There were many unexpected challenges as some things were not in order that were thought to be in order when I took the position.  We were very short staffed which meant I was in a baby room most of the week while also trying to figure out how the office ran.  It was challenging to say the least.  But I survived!  And really, I am enjoying working with other adults instead of alone as I do with the agency.  And I know I will enjoy the tangible difference I see in the center as things turn around, and we take it to the next level.  God has brought some pretty awesome people to our center this week.  I hired a head start teacher who will start in a couple of weeks.  That is what I had prayed for...trained, experienced teachers.  I also have staff that have stuck with us through the transition which after last week, I realize is a miracle as it has been stressful on them as well.

As I went to bed exhausted and sick one night this weekend, I just cried out to God, "WHY?!"  As mush as I really do love being at the center and having the opportunity to love on and pray with and over so many children, I really was not looking for any more responsibility or things to do.  Yes, the extra income is nice, although once again I find myself in a position where I could work at most fast food places and make more per hour than I am currently.  I have had several people ask me "why?!" who knew all that was already on my plate.  After you are asked that enough, you really start to wonder...did I miss it? Am I really that dumb to have taken this on?

So I went back to the One who I believe asked me to take it on.  I cried out and again He answered.  First, He reminded me that what I am doing in the daycare has eternal value in the lives that it touches both children and parents.  Then He also reminded me of my passion for the Body of Christ that we now call home.  It is a small church that struggles financially from time to time.  But the potential in this Body because of the heart of our people, and our pastor, for people to intimately know God in a life changing way and our desire to see God's glory go public, makes me dream of the lives it could impact for the Kingdom.  But we need resources.  The learning center is one way to raise revenue that can impact the church and equip it to do what God has for our part of His Body.  And that renewed my commitment to what I am doing. Then we watched the first episode of The Bible.  As I watched the part about Moses, how he stepped out and told the people God sent him to free them - many laughed and scoffed.  Only a few believed him. I was encouraged about the reactions many have had to the news that I was taking on this responsibility.  So many stories in the Bible are about people stepping out and doing the unpopular or out of the ordinary thing - having a baby while still a virgin and unmarried, marrying a pregnant woman who could shame your family, building a great big boat when it had never rained, raising a sword to kill your son - the one who would fulfill a promise of descendants that out number the stars in the sky- and the list goes on and on. God reminded me that many times life with his is not comfortable!  But oh how that goes against what most of America is about!  Work until you have enough to retire comfortably then travel the world.  Get your children raised so you can enjoy life to yourself.  It seems that most of what our society is about is comfort.  But nothing about what God is about is comfort.  He calls us to a life of surrender!  Don't get me wrong, I don't think He calls us to a life of martyrdom either where we are constantly throwing ourselves on a sword for "his cause"! But I think there are seasons of growth.  When He answered me on whether or not I should take this position, He told me it was for training.  Training is hard. Training stretches you.  Training is not comfortable.  I guess maybe that has struck me so hard because I thought after all this time that I had overcome the need for comfort.  I thought I had conquered the American dream of just coasting through life.  Yet when I was stretched, the thing that I regretted was that I couldn't just be comfortable.  Which is why I am in need of more training!

Day one of this week wasn't much better as I worked a 13 hour day between the agency and the daycare.  Luckily it is Spring Break here so John is off with the kids.  But as I walked in the door and saw that the babies were already in bed, I burst into tears!  I miss my kids!  I know they and John are my first ministry.  So I will be finding balance in the days and weeks to come.  I have learned I am an all or nothing person through becoming a working mom.  That makes balance a really difficult thing!  When I am home, I just want to be home and don't want to think about work.  When I am at work, I just want to work and find it hard to leave things undone to to home.  Thinking this is probably another part of my training ground....listening to the still small voice Who has a plan for my day and trusting that He orders my steps!

So on to day two of week two!

Because I didn't have enough to do...

Because I didn't have enough to do, today is the first day of a new adventure.  Today is my first official day as Director of LifeHouse Kids, the daycare at our church.  No, I am not quitting Addy's Hope.  Just adding a couple of work weeks to my day and a few hours to the days I already work.  Once again, God shows how He works a thread through my life preparing circumstances and situations so that things I don't even know are on the horizon can work according to His plan!  I love that about Him!  Makes me trust Him all the more when He tells me to take a leap of faith!

We have a small church.  But we have this really great facility that is a daycare.  We live in a town that is in an oil boom and is in a population explosion....like no where to live, people living in tents type of explosion!  Most daycares have a year waiting list of they are the sought out places.  We are licensed to care for 146 children and have around 55 enrolled.  I just share that to show that there are some things that I think can be done to bring up our standard and bring in some more kids...we should not have openings with the need that is out there.

Each time I would visit with John or one of the leaders about the daycare, I would get this weird excitement about the potential for it...not just as a daycare, but as a ministry!  Where else do you have 55 little souls coming to your door who may or may not have any exposure to Jesus except when they are with you?  Where else do you have two parents at least, many times more with divorces, etc, that you get to interact with to shine light in darkness?  Then there are the precious ladies who work to take care of the children.  What an opportunity to pour into lives of women to encourage them in their calling in life and to teach them about their identity in Christ if they don't already know Him!

If you had ever told me I would run a daycare, I would have told you that you were nuts!  Once again, God has placed a desire in my heart that He had to put there because it was never on my radar, for sure! But I am super excited about this opportunity. I don't know how long it will last.  It may be months, it may be years.  But I know it is God, and that's all I needed to know to jump on board!

In wrestling through whether to take the job, and I do mean wrestle, my main issue was all that I already have on my plate!  I would totally talk myself out of it, but didn't really have peace.  But yet taking the job didn't make sense.  At least not when I looked at circumstances.  I mean where were the hours going to come to do the job?  Where was the energy going to come to complete the tasks?  I feared that I would go back to the fog of the last season of life where I rarely felt joy, was constantly tired and just had a goal to make it to night so I could sleep and get up to try it all again.  I don't ever want to return to that place!  I truly feared putting myself in a position of demands that would lead to that type of life again. Well, we all know fear is not of God!  So I would go back to my quiet place, get in the Word and ask God for a clear answer! Truly the only real "pro" on a pro/con list was the income it would bring in. The agency is still a ministry.  The salary I draw is less than what I would make if I quit and went to work for just about any fast food restaurant   For those who are not local, we are in a bubble around here when compared to the rest of the nation's economy...just about everywhere is hiring and paying up to $14 as places like McDonald's just to get warm bodies who can do the job at a minimum.  Our growing family continues to have financial demands that were not being met.  We have been praying for relief from some specific financial issues.  I kept asking John if I was like the man stuck on the roof in the flood who kept telling the boats that passed that he didn't need a ride because God was going to save him.  I didn't want to drown waiting on a miracle while the practical answers went right past me!  Yet, I know God can work miracles too.

I had resolved that there was no way I should take the job...then I overheard a lady touring the learning center where Madison and Journey go three days a week.  She was telling the director that her kids go to LifeHouse and let's just say she didn't have nice things to say!  As I listened, I was grieved.  Not just because I knew the potential for the learning center is huge, but because the name of my church is attached to that!  We have an amazing pastor and congregation.  We are small, but growing. Very few people even know we existed.  It is like no place I have ever been a part...and I don't want the first thing people hear about my church to be what this lady was saying....because even though it was about the daycare, the image people have of the daycare is the image they will have of our church.  You can't separate the two in public opinion!

So back to my quiet space...more wrestling.  When wresting through things like this, I have come to the place that I will not act until I have a clear Word from God.  Either a yes, a no, a wait, or a "I don't mind which way you go, just pick one and then jump in with all your heart doing it with excellence!"  If God had given me the latter as a choice in this one, I would probably not have taken the job just because of the demands, but He didn't!  Instead He used a quote in a book I am reading to convict and confirm what He had already spoken in my quiet time with Him that morning.

I am reading Outrageous Courage by Kris Vallatton.  It is an amazing and inspiring book.  It is about a girl who had radical obedience and steps out in faith to do crazy things in the mission field!  There is a chapter with the title "Learning to Run" and was where I was reading during my wrestling match with God one day over the job.  Here is part of what this chapter said:
"Even as God heals us, however, it is vital to understand that He is not turning orphans simply into functional citizens, but into royal sons who look like Jesus.  To use Paul's metaphor, in order to run the race of the Christian life, we must not simply be healed of our broken legs-we also must train them to run with speed and endurance.  And everyone knows that in order to build speed and endurance, you must consistently push past convenience and comfort.  Similarly, as we learn to run as sons and daughters, God will lead us to face challenges that are difficult not so much because of wounds in our past, but because they press us to our limits of faith, emotional and physical strength, social skills, knowledge and love.  One of the primary goals of this training is to help us align our desires and expectations with God's desires and expectations for us and let Him define our successes, failures and assignments.  It is only by embracing the Father's goals and expectations that we run the race to win, for He designed the racecourse in the fist place."

That hit me right between the eyes!  The whole reason I didn't want to take the job was because I had found a place of comfort again!  I had found that place where life just rocked along.  Which means I had found a place where I could probably do life without daily reliance on God.  And isn't this what we in America see as a goal...a place of comfort and "rockin' along"?  He was asking me to take on something that will demand once again that I rely on Him to set my schedule and give me the strength and endurance to make it through my days.  But what He kept showing me was, He wants me to enter this period so that I can take what I learned in the last season like this and apply it!  That way I can walk through this season with a little more grace and joy!

So today I embark on yet another journey with the One who I owe my life!  A journey that He knew was around the bend when He opened the door for us to put Addy's Hope offices in the church building.  So I can literally be at both jobs at once and continue my work with Addy's Hope while overseeing the operations at the daycare.  I don't know what it still amazes m when God works out these little details like that!  And hopefully on the other side, I will see that I did in fact complete this race with a little more grace and joy than the last season of stretching I went through!

No Greater Joy as Mom

We have a very exciting day today!  I woke up with great anticipation.  As a mother, I know that today is the most important day in the life of one of my children, and pretty significant in the lives of two others - as what we do today in those two will lead to what is happening in the other!

Today, my sweet Ava Claire will be baptized as a symbol that she has given her life to God!  Her story is not like the other children, where we have a specific date she gave her life to the Lord.  And once again, God reminds me it's not about me and my neat little story for the scrapbook, but He is writing my children's future.  Which is such a great thing for many reasons, one of which, who knows when that scrapbook page will ever be made anyway!

I had started praying for Toben and Ava both to recognize their need for a savior.  We have had very direct conversations and Bible study times to introduce Jesus as their savior, but neither one of them really grasped and could articulate the need or desire for Jesus to take their sins and rule their lives.  Their salvation is one of the things I am believing God for in 2013.

About five or six weeks ago, I sat down with Ava to do her Bible study.  We still struggle with finding a time to do Bible study with all the kids.  It is very sporadic and inconsistent, but we are still working toward that goal!  Maybe by the time Journey leaves home, we will have figured out a system.  Just another part of the story that reminds me God is pursuing our children even when we aren't perfect parents! Praise God!  Ava and I read Romans together where the scriptures point to a need for a savior to save us from our sins.  I start to ask some questions to see if Ava has any clearer understanding, and she says, "Mom, don't worry!  I already asked God to come into my heart."  "When?!" I ask.  "In Sunday school, we were singing songs, and I just felt close to God and asked Him if He would come into my heart and He did!"  So I ask, "Did you tell anyone?  When did this happen?" To which she very nonchalantly replies, "I don't know, a couple of weeks ago.  And no, I didn't tell anyone, just talked to God about it!"  So I do what any normal mother does, I grabbed her up and cried and told her how proud and excited I was for her!  I asked her if she knew what the next step was, and she said, "Sure, I need to be baptized!"

Seriously, this girl has a crazy exciting desire for God's word!  I know that over the past few months, God has been wooing her to Himself as I often find her in her room or in a quite spot in the house reading her Bible.  She may not understand every Word, but the enemy does, and he flees when God's Word is read.  And her spirit understands, and most importantly, the angels of heaven understand and are immediately sent to fulfill God's Word for Ava as she reads it out loud believing God means what He says and says what He means....truly a childlike faith!

"I have no greater joy than to hear my children walk in the truth." 3 John 1:4  Truly walking that scripture out this morning as I am full of joy unspeakable as I prepare for church this morning knowing that one of these precious lives entrusted to me will demonstrate her desire to serve God all of her life.  I used to think, that meant I had pretty well completed my spiritual job as a parent!  However, now I know the truth is that, now I have the fertile soil to begin planting the seeds that will take root and grow into the foundation and beyond that she will need to live the life God has called her to live!  Now we begin pouring into her to make sure she is equipped!

But I love her story because it is such a great reminder that we don't have to be perfect parents!  I am not discounting the need for direct Bible study with our children, but it is reassuring to know that God pursues our children even when we are not perfect parents.  He led Ava to Himself which is what the Bible says He does.  We introduced her to Him through Bible studies, taking her to church and living a life that follows Christ ourselves - talking out some of the decisions we make with our kids pointing to God's direction as the reason.  But ultimately, there were no fancy words or amazing prayer on my part...just a simple time with God in worship that brought Ava to the reality of her sin and the amazing answer in Jesus!  I also love her story because it should encourage each of you who serve thankless hours in children's ministry!  You never know what Sunday "Ava" will accept Jesus as their savior and not even tell anyone....you will know when you receive your reward in heaven!  So THANK YOU, Ms. Lyndsey, Mr. Logan, Ms. Tonya, Ms. Jessica, Ms. Gigi, Ms. Linda, Ms. Megan and the others who serve in our children's ministry! Thank you for providing an environment that ushers in the Holy Spirit and allows Him to convict, speak to, and redeem children!

Along with that celebration today, we also are honored to stand before our church family and commit to raise Madison and Journey in a Godly home, pointing them continually to Him and equipping them for the life God has for them.  We have taken so long because we dedicated Paizley the baby dedication right after Journey was born, and she didn't want to share it with Journey.  The next baby dedication they had at our church at that time was the weekend Peighton was born.  So we could not attend church that Sunday.  So this is the first time since Journey was born and Madison was adopted that we could have the honor of dedicating them to God and promising to raise them in His ways.

To all who have spoken into my children over the years, thank you!  We are so honored with family and so many friends and spiritual family who love the Lord and our children!  The impact you have on our children does not escape us.  And we truly are thankful for you!

Off to get ready....I have an amazing day ahead of me!