The past 8 weeks since I took the director's job at the daycare have been challenging to say the least. Many have asked "why did you do that?!" Most days I can only reply with, "I don't know! I really wonder if I missed it!" But the last week, God has really revealed Himself to me and the purpose of this current journey.
When God told me to take it, He said it would be a training ground. That never really excites me because training means stretching, growing, and often pain. This has been no different! But the journey has been pretty amazing even in the challenges!
When I agreed to take on the daycare, it was understood that it was running itself, and I would just be supervising and making sure it maintained and maybe took it up another level. I was excited about painting walls and doing fluffy stuff! Eight weeks in, I know that was not the case at all. It has been a very intense time of trying to put things in order. There were many times I doubted if I would succeed. But this week, I finally felt a little breakthrough and can see some progress! And I have managed to paint a few walls with the help of some amazing church family and my parents!
But the real progress has been internal for me. I have learned to put aside my identity as a stay-at-home mom. Breakthrough in the battle between daycare, agency and home came about week 6 when I was backing out of my driveway in tears again because I was so overwhelmed with the weight of all that my day held. Running two non-profit organizations licensed by the state and being mom to 7 was just more than I could handle in that moment. Then the still small voice came....do you trust Me? That seems to be a question I hear a lot lately! And in that moment, I realized that I was doubting once again that God knew what was best for me....and my kids! Going to work full time like this could not be in the best interest of my babies who are now in a daycare or mother's day out 5 days a week! In 13 years and 7 kids, this is the first time I have ever used a daycare. My entire definition, identity and foundation as a mom was rocked to the core! I knew God called me to the daycare, but I saw the daycare as detrimental to my family - in particular my little guys. So God asked, do I trust Him? I had to make a choice in that moment. Would I continue to stand on my "right" to be a stat at home mom and hold onto what I believed about what was best for my kids, or would I trust that God loves my kids and me and would never call me to something that would bring harm. His plans are always for my good and always for my children's good. Driving to work that day, I told God with my verbal words that I trust His plan and trust that He will carry us through.
That stopped the internal wrestling, but it didn't stop all the battles! I have been sick in one way or another pretty much since I started the job. It was actually a fear I had when I said yes to God! I even wrote it in a prayer journal. God told me then that the illness would be spiritual in nature. So for the past couple of weeks, I have been praying against the illness. One would stop, and another would come. Friday was the worst! All last week, I would wake up in them middle of the night with an unexplainable knowledge that wars were going on. I would pray, quote scriptures that came to mind, cry out to God....and eventually go back to sleep. I would wake up in the morning with a dread of what I would face that day. Friday, I felt horrible. The stomach bug I had been fighting for almost two weeks was still having its effects, the cold or allergies I've been fighting had my head feeling like it would explode, I had a pain across my shoulder blades from sleeping on elevated pillows so I wouldn't cough all night. I just wanted to pull the covers over my eyes, take some medicine to knock me out and go back to sleep. But I knew if I did that, when I woke up, it would all still be there! God reminded me of some scriptures I had read on Thursday morning the week before. They were scriptures our pastor had give us the previous Wednesday and they all had to do with perseverance and pressing on in order to receive the promise or to see hope fulfilled. (Hebrews 6:10, 1 Thesselonians 1:2, Isaiah 61:10) So with those versus going through my head, I got out of bed and pressed on. I didn't move very fast. I was late taking the little guys to mother's day out. I didn't get all done I intended before I had to get Callie to school and I was walking through Sam's - still not moving very quickly - getting snacks for the daycare. I was beating myself up as I so often do. Then the small voice reminded me, "but you are up and accomplishing things for this day." I stood a little taller - that's right! I didn't give into the despair and dread! I got up and kept moving!
In that moment God reminded me of my prayer to learn to live from heaven to earth - to live based on God's promises and His words to me rather than earthly circumstances. In that moment, God said, "You did it!" I realized then that the last few weeks have not been the physical training ground I thought they were...just teaching me how to work more full time and learn to manage home and job. But God has literally been training me in weapons of spiritual warfare while the battles raged around and in me. And I knew I had won at least that one battle that day! God reminded me that I had not let circumstances dictate my day. I had gone to Him, asked Him what He wanted of me that day, and I did it despite physical circumstances. As I thought back over the past three weeks in particular since I told God I would trust Him and committed to staying at the daycare while still working Addy's Hope (which is busier now that it has EVER been!), I questioned why even after my commitment to no longer question God the attacks kept coming...and even got a little more intense. Immediately, the words, "Have you considered my servant Job?" came to mind. (Job 1:8) Notice the words stopped there..no HollyAnn is blameless and upright. I am in no way trying to compare myself to Job or to say that my "suffering" comes anywhere even close to what Job suffered! But I do believe in that moment God reminded me that there are times when He allows His servants to be tested and our loyalty and belief in Him to be tested.
I don't know what my future holds, but I know Who does know! And I have no doubt that the last 8 weeks have been training me for something in my future that will require a deeper level of trust and commitment of and to God than I had before I took this position. I am thankful I serve a God who trains and teaches me. He doesn't just take us off a cliff without teaching us to fly first!
I don't know that I have done a very good job of truly explaining this lesson, but I felt an urgency to get it out on the blog....so I pray whoever needed to known you are not alone in your struggles or on your battles has been encouraged by my words! God is preparing His Church for the work He has for us! It is an exciting time to be alive! I believe we will begin to see God revealing Himself more and more in tangible, real ways! It will be like living at "church camp" every day! He is equipping us for the days to come! Let's be ready...and let's be willing!
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Addy's Show: A Kiss From Heaven
We have an amazing board member who had a fabulous idea....use our communities amazingly talented theatre group to raise awareness and funds for children waiting in the foster system to be adopted! Over the last few months the talent has started rehearsing and the processes began to pull the event off. I haven't had my hands in a lot of it, John and Katie have ran with it. A few weeks ago, John says, we came up with a name for the event....Addy's Show. I just started weeping! The minute he said it, I could see my sweet little Addy dancing before Jesus....her very own show! It is her life that has inspired our work with Addy's Hope! It was because of her untimely death from cholera during the adoption process of her and her twin sister Eden from Sierra Leone that spurred us on to the work we have done in the world of adoption over the past nearly 9 years. You do not want to miss this event! If you are anywhere close to the Midland area, please go buy tickets! It will be a first class production of "Songs for a New World". And it will bring awareness to the over 6,000 children in Texas alone who are in need of adoptive families while they continue to wait in our very broken child welfare system!
Please join us on June 8th at Midland Community Theatre! And please tell your friends! You can buy tickets at www.addyshope.brownpapertickets.com.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Prophecy: A Nuclear Weapon
I am reading an amazing book right now called Spirit Wars by Kris Vallotton, a pastor at Bethel in Redding, CA. You have heard me mention this church before as it is playing a vital role in my spiritual growth in this season.
The past five weeks have been rough. I went from working 20-30 hours a week to working 60 hours a week. For the first time in my mom career, I am working full time plus. I started a new exercise program that has me at my workout at 5:30 which means getting up at 4. I confess, that 4 wake up only happened a couple of times, which meant my quiet times didn't happen. You don't maintain a relationship without feeding it! The longer I went without my extended quiet times, the more despair crept in! I could feel it, I went through my weapons of warfare, but couldn't shake it...until Sunday.
Kris says this:
"Prophecy is like a nuclear weapon in the hands of a believer. It is important that we embrace the kind of prophetic culture that calls out our destiny and reminds us of God's work in our lives. If we despise, reject or do not believe in prophecy, we play into the enemy's hands by laying down a vitally important weapon of our warfare."
Amen! My breakthrough came through a prophetic word delivered by our Pastor this weekend! I have never sat under a pastor like Jeremy, my current pastor. He is "pastor" in every sense of the word. He is not perfect as no one is perfect, but he is an anointed pastor and understands like no one I have ever met what it means to shepherd his flock! Several times since we started going to LifeHouse, Jeremy has come to us and said, when I was praying for you, God said..... This weekend was one of those times. He had been at a conference this week and had spent time praying for his flock. There were a couple of families whom God spoke to him about directly, and we were one of them. He called us up during church yesterday and spoke the Word over us and prayed for us.
If you have never seen someone operate in the prophetic, you may not fully understand what I am talking about here. Let me challenge you to find a church where the gifts are practiced and watch when the prophetic ministry occurs. Ask God to reveal the prophetic ministry to you. Romans 12, 1 Corinthians 12 and Ephesians 4 all talk about prophecy as a spiritual gift. Remember, I was not a believer in the spiritual gifts even five years ago. However, God placed me in battles that required all He had for me to fight with or I would have lost! Prophecy is one of those weapons! And this weekend it sliced through the doubt, the guilt, the frustration, the anger with God when no other weapon in my arsenal had seemed to make a dent.
The Word Jeremy spoke was exactly what John and I are facing. It was basically that we are carrying a "wide load" and that it is taking longer than we thought because we are having to take back roads, but if we keep moving forward and pressing on, there will be a great "payday" when we get there. That doesn't necessarily mean financial, but just that we must run the race as one who wants the price as Paul said it.
I wish I could describe what happened inside of me as Jeremy spoke. But I can't really put it to words other than to say it encouraged me! It showed me that God had heard my cries and had given someone with flesh and blood a way to encourage me in my state of confusion and frustration! It silenced the voices that even then I knew were the enemy taunting me.
Prophecy is such a vital tool in the life of anyone who is engaged in a life sold out for Christ! It is the encouragement to keep running the race because when people who know nothing about your circumstances speak exactly what is happening and then tell you the outcome, you have the strength, the courage and the authority to keep moving until you see that outcome to fruition! Read Joshua 1:6-9 and see how God encouraged Joshua for the road he was about to walk. That is how prophecy works in today's world.
I was reminded yesterday of what God told me when we were struggling with leaving our former church. Let me stop here and say I am in no way putting down or former church, in fact, without the teaching and training we received at that Body, I would not be in the place to receive what happened yesterday! I was a huge skeptic of all supernatural things when we fist started attending our former church. God used the amazing teachers there to bring me to the place where I could receive what my current church has to offer. Our former church had a man who was part of the church affiliation that Body belonged to. He would come a few times a year. It was amazing to see him operate in the prophetic. He was the first person I ever saw do that, and it was inspiring, encouraging, intriguing....I could go on and on. He (even though he was only there a few times a year and had no idea who I was!) was one of the reasons I wrestled with God over moving churches. God had placed it on our hearts to leave, but I kept wanting to return to what was comfortable. During one of my wrestling matches with God over leaving the church, I reminded him of this man who brought great encouragement to me (even though I never received a direct prophecy from him...ever!). God's answer was very straightforward: "Do you want a man who prophesies or a congregation who prophesies?" I thought of that yesterday and I had to laugh! Since attending Lifehouse, I have had numerous Words of encouragement and prophecy spoken over me. And they always came at the moment when I wasn't sure which direction to turn or when I wasn't sure I could last one more day in my current circumstances. Then the Word would come and put the circumstances in the perspective they belonged, and the joy returns!
If you are not familiar with prophecy, do some research! Dig into the Word! Ask God to reveal His Truth about it...and then find a church that allows the gifts to be used! If you have questions, I may not have the answer, but I will put you in touch with some amazing people who do or I can give you a list or resources that have been helpful to me as I wrestled through my traditional thinking that caused me to doubt what was fairly clear in scripture. And if you are in the Midland area, come check out Lifehouse Fellowship! It's not a perfect church, but it is a church where the Spirit moves and is allowed to dictate the order of the service! I will have to tell you more about the service yesterday another time! It was amazing! Or come check it out for yourself this Wednesday at 7 - come at 6:30 if you want pizza before service!
The past five weeks have been rough. I went from working 20-30 hours a week to working 60 hours a week. For the first time in my mom career, I am working full time plus. I started a new exercise program that has me at my workout at 5:30 which means getting up at 4. I confess, that 4 wake up only happened a couple of times, which meant my quiet times didn't happen. You don't maintain a relationship without feeding it! The longer I went without my extended quiet times, the more despair crept in! I could feel it, I went through my weapons of warfare, but couldn't shake it...until Sunday.
Kris says this:
"Prophecy is like a nuclear weapon in the hands of a believer. It is important that we embrace the kind of prophetic culture that calls out our destiny and reminds us of God's work in our lives. If we despise, reject or do not believe in prophecy, we play into the enemy's hands by laying down a vitally important weapon of our warfare."
Amen! My breakthrough came through a prophetic word delivered by our Pastor this weekend! I have never sat under a pastor like Jeremy, my current pastor. He is "pastor" in every sense of the word. He is not perfect as no one is perfect, but he is an anointed pastor and understands like no one I have ever met what it means to shepherd his flock! Several times since we started going to LifeHouse, Jeremy has come to us and said, when I was praying for you, God said..... This weekend was one of those times. He had been at a conference this week and had spent time praying for his flock. There were a couple of families whom God spoke to him about directly, and we were one of them. He called us up during church yesterday and spoke the Word over us and prayed for us.
If you have never seen someone operate in the prophetic, you may not fully understand what I am talking about here. Let me challenge you to find a church where the gifts are practiced and watch when the prophetic ministry occurs. Ask God to reveal the prophetic ministry to you. Romans 12, 1 Corinthians 12 and Ephesians 4 all talk about prophecy as a spiritual gift. Remember, I was not a believer in the spiritual gifts even five years ago. However, God placed me in battles that required all He had for me to fight with or I would have lost! Prophecy is one of those weapons! And this weekend it sliced through the doubt, the guilt, the frustration, the anger with God when no other weapon in my arsenal had seemed to make a dent.
The Word Jeremy spoke was exactly what John and I are facing. It was basically that we are carrying a "wide load" and that it is taking longer than we thought because we are having to take back roads, but if we keep moving forward and pressing on, there will be a great "payday" when we get there. That doesn't necessarily mean financial, but just that we must run the race as one who wants the price as Paul said it.
I wish I could describe what happened inside of me as Jeremy spoke. But I can't really put it to words other than to say it encouraged me! It showed me that God had heard my cries and had given someone with flesh and blood a way to encourage me in my state of confusion and frustration! It silenced the voices that even then I knew were the enemy taunting me.
Prophecy is such a vital tool in the life of anyone who is engaged in a life sold out for Christ! It is the encouragement to keep running the race because when people who know nothing about your circumstances speak exactly what is happening and then tell you the outcome, you have the strength, the courage and the authority to keep moving until you see that outcome to fruition! Read Joshua 1:6-9 and see how God encouraged Joshua for the road he was about to walk. That is how prophecy works in today's world.
I was reminded yesterday of what God told me when we were struggling with leaving our former church. Let me stop here and say I am in no way putting down or former church, in fact, without the teaching and training we received at that Body, I would not be in the place to receive what happened yesterday! I was a huge skeptic of all supernatural things when we fist started attending our former church. God used the amazing teachers there to bring me to the place where I could receive what my current church has to offer. Our former church had a man who was part of the church affiliation that Body belonged to. He would come a few times a year. It was amazing to see him operate in the prophetic. He was the first person I ever saw do that, and it was inspiring, encouraging, intriguing....I could go on and on. He (even though he was only there a few times a year and had no idea who I was!) was one of the reasons I wrestled with God over moving churches. God had placed it on our hearts to leave, but I kept wanting to return to what was comfortable. During one of my wrestling matches with God over leaving the church, I reminded him of this man who brought great encouragement to me (even though I never received a direct prophecy from him...ever!). God's answer was very straightforward: "Do you want a man who prophesies or a congregation who prophesies?" I thought of that yesterday and I had to laugh! Since attending Lifehouse, I have had numerous Words of encouragement and prophecy spoken over me. And they always came at the moment when I wasn't sure which direction to turn or when I wasn't sure I could last one more day in my current circumstances. Then the Word would come and put the circumstances in the perspective they belonged, and the joy returns!
If you are not familiar with prophecy, do some research! Dig into the Word! Ask God to reveal His Truth about it...and then find a church that allows the gifts to be used! If you have questions, I may not have the answer, but I will put you in touch with some amazing people who do or I can give you a list or resources that have been helpful to me as I wrestled through my traditional thinking that caused me to doubt what was fairly clear in scripture. And if you are in the Midland area, come check out Lifehouse Fellowship! It's not a perfect church, but it is a church where the Spirit moves and is allowed to dictate the order of the service! I will have to tell you more about the service yesterday another time! It was amazing! Or come check it out for yourself this Wednesday at 7 - come at 6:30 if you want pizza before service!
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