The past 8 weeks since I took the director's job at the daycare have been challenging to say the least. Many have asked "why did you do that?!" Most days I can only reply with, "I don't know! I really wonder if I missed it!" But the last week, God has really revealed Himself to me and the purpose of this current journey.
When God told me to take it, He said it would be a training ground. That never really excites me because training means stretching, growing, and often pain. This has been no different! But the journey has been pretty amazing even in the challenges!
When I agreed to take on the daycare, it was understood that it was running itself, and I would just be supervising and making sure it maintained and maybe took it up another level. I was excited about painting walls and doing fluffy stuff! Eight weeks in, I know that was not the case at all. It has been a very intense time of trying to put things in order. There were many times I doubted if I would succeed. But this week, I finally felt a little breakthrough and can see some progress! And I have managed to paint a few walls with the help of some amazing church family and my parents!
But the real progress has been internal for me. I have learned to put aside my identity as a stay-at-home mom. Breakthrough in the battle between daycare, agency and home came about week 6 when I was backing out of my driveway in tears again because I was so overwhelmed with the weight of all that my day held. Running two non-profit organizations licensed by the state and being mom to 7 was just more than I could handle in that moment. Then the still small voice came....do you trust Me? That seems to be a question I hear a lot lately! And in that moment, I realized that I was doubting once again that God knew what was best for me....and my kids! Going to work full time like this could not be in the best interest of my babies who are now in a daycare or mother's day out 5 days a week! In 13 years and 7 kids, this is the first time I have ever used a daycare. My entire definition, identity and foundation as a mom was rocked to the core! I knew God called me to the daycare, but I saw the daycare as detrimental to my family - in particular my little guys. So God asked, do I trust Him? I had to make a choice in that moment. Would I continue to stand on my "right" to be a stat at home mom and hold onto what I believed about what was best for my kids, or would I trust that God loves my kids and me and would never call me to something that would bring harm. His plans are always for my good and always for my children's good. Driving to work that day, I told God with my verbal words that I trust His plan and trust that He will carry us through.
That stopped the internal wrestling, but it didn't stop all the battles! I have been sick in one way or another pretty much since I started the job. It was actually a fear I had when I said yes to God! I even wrote it in a prayer journal. God told me then that the illness would be spiritual in nature. So for the past couple of weeks, I have been praying against the illness. One would stop, and another would come. Friday was the worst! All last week, I would wake up in them middle of the night with an unexplainable knowledge that wars were going on. I would pray, quote scriptures that came to mind, cry out to God....and eventually go back to sleep. I would wake up in the morning with a dread of what I would face that day. Friday, I felt horrible. The stomach bug I had been fighting for almost two weeks was still having its effects, the cold or allergies I've been fighting had my head feeling like it would explode, I had a pain across my shoulder blades from sleeping on elevated pillows so I wouldn't cough all night. I just wanted to pull the covers over my eyes, take some medicine to knock me out and go back to sleep. But I knew if I did that, when I woke up, it would all still be there! God reminded me of some scriptures I had read on Thursday morning the week before. They were scriptures our pastor had give us the previous Wednesday and they all had to do with perseverance and pressing on in order to receive the promise or to see hope fulfilled. (Hebrews 6:10, 1 Thesselonians 1:2, Isaiah 61:10) So with those versus going through my head, I got out of bed and pressed on. I didn't move very fast. I was late taking the little guys to mother's day out. I didn't get all done I intended before I had to get Callie to school and I was walking through Sam's - still not moving very quickly - getting snacks for the daycare. I was beating myself up as I so often do. Then the small voice reminded me, "but you are up and accomplishing things for this day." I stood a little taller - that's right! I didn't give into the despair and dread! I got up and kept moving!
In that moment God reminded me of my prayer to learn to live from heaven to earth - to live based on God's promises and His words to me rather than earthly circumstances. In that moment, God said, "You did it!" I realized then that the last few weeks have not been the physical training ground I thought they were...just teaching me how to work more full time and learn to manage home and job. But God has literally been training me in weapons of spiritual warfare while the battles raged around and in me. And I knew I had won at least that one battle that day! God reminded me that I had not let circumstances dictate my day. I had gone to Him, asked Him what He wanted of me that day, and I did it despite physical circumstances. As I thought back over the past three weeks in particular since I told God I would trust Him and committed to staying at the daycare while still working Addy's Hope (which is busier now that it has EVER been!), I questioned why even after my commitment to no longer question God the attacks kept coming...and even got a little more intense. Immediately, the words, "Have you considered my servant Job?" came to mind. (Job 1:8) Notice the words stopped there..no HollyAnn is blameless and upright. I am in no way trying to compare myself to Job or to say that my "suffering" comes anywhere even close to what Job suffered! But I do believe in that moment God reminded me that there are times when He allows His servants to be tested and our loyalty and belief in Him to be tested.
I don't know what my future holds, but I know Who does know! And I have no doubt that the last 8 weeks have been training me for something in my future that will require a deeper level of trust and commitment of and to God than I had before I took this position. I am thankful I serve a God who trains and teaches me. He doesn't just take us off a cliff without teaching us to fly first!
I don't know that I have done a very good job of truly explaining this lesson, but I felt an urgency to get it out on the blog....so I pray whoever needed to known you are not alone in your struggles or on your battles has been encouraged by my words! God is preparing His Church for the work He has for us! It is an exciting time to be alive! I believe we will begin to see God revealing Himself more and more in tangible, real ways! It will be like living at "church camp" every day! He is equipping us for the days to come! Let's be ready...and let's be willing!
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