Trust ME

I lay awake last night about 2 am.  I woke up wondering when the baby would be ready to be fed.  We currently have custody of our two grand-babies, ages 5 weeks and almost one year.  Maybe I will some day be able to tell the story of how they came to be with us, but for now, I can only share it has been a heartbreaking journey that I don't understand.  But they are safe, and that is what is important.  I lay awake last night going through all the scenarios that the future could hold.  From the beginning of this journey that ended in us being granted custody, the only answer God would give as I cried out for wisdom and direction was, "Trust Me.."  That's it.  A simple whisper each time:

Trust Me

There was never a direction of "do _______" throughout this entire process.  Just "Trust Me...."  We did, and He provided at each step of the way exactly what we needed: wisdom, connections, timing, diapers, formula, clothes, baby swing, bouncy seat, a friend to stay with the 8 kids four of whom are three and under so I could go work a few hours and have a quiet lunch.  So as I lay awake last night contemplating all the ways this could turn out in the end, I was not surprised to once again hear, "Trust Me...."  I kind of flippantly replied, with my "sure...." But immediately the rebuke of the Holy Spirit followed: "I didn't say trust Me that they will stay with you, I didn't say trust Me because your heart will be safe and not shattered.  I said trust Me. That means you trust in Me...not in an outcome."  

Immediately, I felt the panic rise!  Ever since I knew we would be taking the babies into our home, I have wrestled with the "what ifs" of them being taken out of my life again.  I am so tired of heartbreak.  I am so weary of battles.  I have felt a divine peace with them in our home.  There have been times when the anxiety would start to creep in, but the small whisper would say, "Trust Me...." and the peace would return.  Last night I realized I had started to take that as a confirmation that the children would stay with us, and God quickly reminded me He had not promised that.  Now I am not saying that He was saying the children will not stay with us, my Father who knows my heart, who knows my previous struggles, knew where my trust was being placed. Trust is defined by Miriam-Webster's on-line dictionary as "assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something; or as one in which confidence is placed."  God knew I was beginning to place my confidence in them staying...and my peace was coming from the "confidence" (mis-placed confidence!) that the children would stay with me and my heart would not be shattered once more.  In the quiet of the morning hours, God asked me again to trust HIM!  He asked, "If they go back, will you trust Me? Will you trust that I am still sovereign?  Will you trust that I am still good?  Will you still rely on my character, ability and strength and continue to walk in relationship with me?" I wish I could say I immediately repented and answered with a resounding and confident, YES, Lord!  But that was not exactly how it went!  The tears came.  My heart ached at the thought.  But in the end, I laid those babies on the proverbial alter and agreed that I would walk this path in full trust and obedience of my Lord!  I would trust and stand in belief that no matter what happens, God is good, God is faithful, God is kind, God is loving.  I chose in that moment to put my trust - my assured reliance on the character and my confidence in - God....not an outcome, but in God!  

Today that trust was challenged.  We had a meeting that brought the reality of the future into greater clarity.  I don't know what will happen in the end, but I know I will choose to trust Him with it all!  I will choose to believe He is for me and not against me!  

I have prayed Psalm 91 almost daily for the past two years.  Verse 2 says, "I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress. My God in Whom I trust!"  And to that I say - Amen and Amen!