So the move was to our promised land. However, it's felt more like the 40 years in the wilderness compacted into three weeks. It has greatly frustrated me that things have not gone smoothly. I mean we stepped out in faith, right?! God provided this job...that was the faith step and where it was supposed to end, the rest was just supposed to be rainbows and roses. When we walked through the door of this home we were supposed to walk into a mecca of peace, blessings and happily ever after. I mean, that's how it's supposed to work when you take a big leap of faith, right?
As I write it, I can see how ludicrous it sounds, but somehow in my mind, that was how it was supposed to be. I was excited about the move, looking forward to our new life in our new home with great anticipation. I hadn't taken into account the fact that I had yet to be fully in charge of all four babies by myself while having to manage a job, dinners, school pick ups and drop-offs, etc, etc. I hadn't really counted the cost of not selling our house yet and what that would truly mean for the first weeks in our new home. I hadn't anticipated learning that grand-baby number three will be due around May of next year. With each passing day of boxes and babies while alone in a house I can't leave - I mean where am I supposed to go, we don't have a stroller that holds more than two and grocery carts don't hold many more than that if you want room to put anything in them - I could feel myself slipping into depression. And did I mention where we live is about 15 minutes from ANY sizable store? At least until the new Wal- Mart opens in a few weeks...but that hasn't helped in the current circumstances of my transition. I felt myself becoming a person I left behind years ago. I have battled depression....took medicine and the whole shooting match! I know depression is real! I know there are times you need medication to deal with depression when there are chemicals in your body that are not working correctly. But I knew this was not a chemical issue. This was WAR.
But here's the thing, I was so weary and so far gone already in my thoughts that I wasn't sure how to fight. And of course, when you are in that kind of pit, the enemy taunts you relentlessly with any thoughts of trying to reach out for help. But I knew I was up against a real battle when John had gone out of town for a business trip and the heaviness set in. I did pretty good at going through the motions, and think for the most part had a happy face for the kids. But inside my mind, the battle was raging and each hour seemed to grow darker than the one before. I went up to do the night time routine with the little girls. I knelt down to pray with Ava (had to get on the floor because she is sleeping on a mattress on the floor since the movers demolished her bed when half our belongings fell off the back of the truck, but I digress...). As I said, "let's pray", Ava stopped me. She asked if she could pray. Confession: I was a little relieved! I wasn't really nuts about talking to God right then. I kind of felt like He had left me to die in the middle of the battlefield with blood flowing from all my open wounds, one of the many lies I was believing at this point. We take each other's hands, Ava on one side of me and Madison on the other. Ava begins to pray.....and as I hear the words, tears well up in my eyes..."and Jesus send your angels around my mommy so she doesn't die". What? What does she mean so I don't die? She doesn't know anything is going on, and while I am low, I am not suicidal! Have I mentioned how spiritually in-tune my 7 year old is? We finish our prayers, I give the kisses, tell them I love them, threaten Madison if she gets out of bed with as much wrath as I can muster looking at her frizzy hair framed face as she grins at me, and I leave the room. I didn't give the prayers much more thought until the next morning when I woke up and realized the heaviness was gone! I was trying to figure out what was different, and God brought her prayer back to mind...and I thought - no, I wasn't going to die physically, but I was on a spiral spiritually, and her prayers broke the bondage and the dark cloud lifted a bit. It was still there, but it lifted enough that I could see just enough light to know that I was truly in a battle for my mind. I began to cry out to God for help to break free of the grip all together! I asked for wisdom and knowledge to know what started me down the slippery slope in the first place.
I had come up with a lot of answers, and I am sure they had some part in the darkness. One thing I realized was that I was more in tune to the flesh and the voice giving wrong direction than to The Voice that I know is for me and not against me! I started trying to get relief from the darkness by eating something that was satisfying to the taste buds, or watching a favorite show, or some other silly thing that would then leave me feeling worse because I wasted time or felt fat....you know how the enemy is! He tells you what will make you feel better then mocks you because you feel worse having done it! One day at a time, I began to fight back! I would ask God to show me where the battle was and would begin to make choices that would bring me back to freedom....like when the kids went down for a nap, I started to grab a cookie to sit down for "just a minute" to have some "me" time. But I had done that in the recent past and it had just brought frustration that nap time hadn't been as productive as I'd hoped. So I stopped and literally asked God to show me what would make me feel better....unpacking a box would make me feel better..so I did it. And guess what? I felt better! I felt productive - the cloud lifted a little more. I reached out to some and shared my battle with depression and asked them to pray for relief and strength for the battle.
Each day was a little brighter, a little less dark. Then on the way home from my first trip out of the house with all four babies...took me three days of "trying" to get out of the house to finally make this trip...I was listening to the radio and the announcer made a statement that was something like God always gives you the choice because we have free will. That hit a nerve and I immediately heard God say, "You do have a choice!"
You see, I didn't want to raise my grand-babies. I wanted to be Mimi! I wanted them to come over for sleep overs for Friday nights. I wanted to take them out for ice cream and then take them home all hyped up on sugar. I didn't want to be the care giver, the disciplinarian, the "mom". But when circumstances played out the way they did, we did what we believed God was not only telling us to do, but literally highlighting each step and orchestrating every fact and event so that there was no question and no wondering what His will was. Since we gained custody of the babies, I have said, "What choice did we have?" I mean really, is there a choice between letting CPS take your grand-kids and stepping in to ensure their safety yourself? And that day in the car listening to the radio, God said, "Yes! There is a choice!" Now, I am not saying I have wrestled through that yet. I argued with God all the way home that really, there is no choice. But he gently reminded me that He does give free will and I could have walked away. Really?! Walk away?! I couldn't do that, so there is no choice! But that is really not scriptural! That's not sound theology! God will never force Himself on any of His children. And so I had to face the reality....I couldn't blame God anymore for the sacrifices we have had to make for the grand-babies to live with us. It was my choice. I chose to say yes.
See, the weeks of thinking I didn't have a choice had started a seed of bitterness in me against God, against my daughter, and was beginning to grow against my sweet and innocent babies. The enemy started his taunting of "just think what you could afford if you didn't have to pay childcare for the two extra kids" or "you would already be unpacked and have your house set up if not for the two extra kids" or "you wouldn't be dragging out of sheer fatigue if you weren't getting up twice a night with the baby". Here's the deal...those are all true statements! And so in the beginning, I didn't realize it was an attack! But every day that I entertained those thoughts, I began to take a mindset that I was sacrificing too much for them, for her, and what should be a joy and an act of service to my God and my grand-babies became a slippery slope into a pit of depression and anger toward just about everyone in my life.
And here's the deal...it all happened in my mind! It only took about two weeks for the enemy to have planted enough seeds that I was headlong going down a path I would never have dreamed just weeks earlier! You see, the enemy is out to steal, kill and destroy! He knows that we are walking into our promised land, and he has thrown some HUGE punches in order to keep us in the wilderness a bit longer. But I have a choice just like the Israelites did. I can look at my promised land and see giants or I can look at my promised land and see a land already won and paid for by my Savior waiting for me to inhabit and trust Him to fight the giants and provide in whatever way I need to walk right on the land with the enemy under my foot!
As only a personal and loving God can, the morning of the day I would have this revelation, I was looking through some notes and went to a scripture that really had nothing to do with any of this. But I started reading around it and God spoke right to my circumstances! In Mark 10, Peter is basically whining to God that they have left "everything" for Him. Jesus replies, "Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or farms, for My sake and for the gospel's sake, but that he will receive a hundred times as much now in the present age, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and farms." I am sure I have read that scripture a million times, but I have never seen that part where God assures Peter that there is a reward in this "present age" for giving it all and following God! But God didn't take it from them, they gave it. A choice. And in return, God promises 100 times as much as we give back in this present age! Not for when we get to heaven...there are rewards there too, but we are not to live life on this earth struggling and barely making it into the gates of heaven battered and weary from the sacrifices of a Christian life! We are to live victoriously! And now is a good time to say, I have told God there is no need to reward me with 100 times as many grand-kids for this choice to serve! Ha! And the verse does go on to say that we will be persecuted also for giving up what we have for God. So it will not always be rainbows and roses, but there will be promises of provision and sustaining blessings when we choose!
That should be the end. But my brain is very logical and analytical. And when I think about the "choice" to take my grand-babies or not take them, it is still really hard for me to see a choice. I am still wrestling with God a bit with this, so I can't tell you I have the answer, but this I know. I gave my life to Christ. I agreed to be his bond-servant. Without the sacrifice He made for me, I would be a slave to my sin, and for the freedom He has given me from my sin nature (when I choose to walk in that freedom, I might add), I owe him my life! Not just a neat prayer that says I know He was born, died and rose again, but my life! My every day, wake up, go to sleep, and what I do in-between that life. That was the first choice...to make Him Lord. Then every day I have choices to keep Him Lord. Some are small, like am I going to eat the cookie even though I know I am looking to food for comfort rather than Jesus, and some are huge, like will I choose to be a vessel of redemption for a generation?
That day in the car, God said, "You don't have to do this. And I understand if you say no. It's a hard journey I have asked you to take. It requires sacrifice not just from you and John but from your kids as well. It will require financial, emotional and physical sacrifice that at times will stretch you to new limits of fatigue, exhaustion and weariness on every front. The choice is yours. But in return you will have My blessings. You will have My protection. In return you will be the instrument of redemption and freedom in a generation of two lineages of bondage. But the choice is yours."
Sigh. I don't know what it would look like if we said no to the babies. But I do know that because they are here, the enemy will be defeated with the plans he has for their lives! I do know that the plans God has for an abundant life, for a hope and a future that is good for them will come to be because they are in our home. And that's the choice I have. Do I choose God?
And with that realization that I have chosen God, and chosen life for these innocent lives, I see them in a totally different way! They go from being a burden and a sacrifice to being what they are....innocent lives in desperate need of God's grace and the love of a family with the safety physically, emotionally and spiritually that a family provides. And that makes the endless screaming because they don't know how to be comforted easier to bear. It makes the third feeding in a night when I can barely open my eyes a joy to do. And with that choice, the battle is done! God won! The enemy is placed under my feet where He belongs. I will take up my cross and follow my Savior, I will choose this day to serve God and make Him Lord of my home...and that home includes two precious babies 11 months apart who call us Mimi and Grumps!
I share this only because I know there are so many others out there who are struggling with the subtle lies that the enemy has planted over time. You are sinking into a deep pit. And a choice to follow God and do something He asked you to do might have been what you think started you into the pit, but that is the first lie that like me, you believed! I want you to know that if you will just ask God, he will reveal the lies! He will show you how to get out of the pit! For me, praise and worship is huge! When I am in the pit of despair, I don't always get much from reading the Bible...just being transparent here...but if I put on some worship music (I usually use Youtube when I am in a bad place because not only do I hear worship, I see worship with the people singing) it breaks the darkness just enough for me to then begin hearing from God a bit. I am going to put links to some of my favorite worship songs for battle. There is also an amazing message by Bill Johnson on how we give territory to either the enemy or the Holy Spirit in our thought life as well as a blog by Tom Vermillion an amazing author who just happened to be one of our pastors and the man who I credit with dispelling my traditional thinking on spiritual warfare and showing me the truth to equip myself for the life God has called me to live! And if you are in the pit of despair, I would count it an honor and privilege to pray for you and stand with you against the enemy. Feel free to email me at hollyann@addyshope.com. You have a choice also! Choose life, choose God! Fight back! You are not alone!
http://www.ibethel.tv/watch/1773/sunday-morning/2013/09/08
There are several posts on the demonic that are great to read if you are new to truths of spiritual warfare! He also has a book called Born to be Free which I would highly recommend!
http://www.tomvermillion.com/09/17/dealing-with-the-demonic-part-1/
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