We are "The Family"

I saw a post on one of the foster/adoption support groups lately that made me stop and think.  Someone was asking about an attorney because they were a foster family who had a child in their home for almost a year and some family members were now being considered for placement as termination was either already done or was expected to take place soon.

This family was wanting to fight for their foster child to stay in their home.  I get it!  Really, I do!  I was that foster parent! I never fought against family, but I have had  many cases either of my own or with friends who I felt strongly a child should not be returned to family.  I would have been the first one to claim staying with that foster family is best for the child, and who in the world would ever consider moving him?! I would have been the first to cry foul over that!

But as I read that post, I realized, we are now "The Family".  CPS was involved with our grandbabies before we stepped in and took custody.  And I have been pretty vocal on many fronts that we jumped in to save them from CPS as much as the current situation they were in!  But had we not felt called to jump in or had not headed that call for whatever reason, CPS would have acted.  They were set to remove the kids, and they would have placed them with someone other than us. I had been way too vocal and active in the case for the past few months for them to place them with us.  Let's just say the worker was not a fan of mine.  We would have challenged it in court...maybe we would have won, maybe we would not...but regardless of where they were placed at removal, even the not-a-fan-of-mine worker agreed if termination ultimately occurred we would be given the option of adoption since we were "The Family".

So what does that mean?  That means that we would have had two grandbabies who didn't know us except maybe for visits once a week.  And let me just say that visits once a week provide no more opportunity for bonding and attachment for that baby than the person who keeps your kids for church on Sunday morning! But that is a rant for another time! If the circumstances had been different and we had not taken custody of the babies when we did, I most definitely would have wanted to be considered for adoption if termination had occurred!

Does that make me evil? Does that mean I was not looking out for the best interest of my grandchildren since I would be removing them from people they had known their whole life in order to bring them into a home where they would not really know anyone? Before I sat on this side of the fence, I probably would have answered these questions with a "yes"! But perspective matters! And what I now know is that "The Family" is not always given the opportunity to take custody even if they "would".  My old question of "Well, where was that aunt, grandparent, sister, etc, etc when they were removed?" really doesn't hold water anymore.  Perhaps they just didn't know!  And that might not have been because of any fault of their own.  Or maybe they knew and were denied access because they had held the parents to a standard so the parents refused to allow CPS to place the kids there upon removal.  There are a million reasons that I now understand why "The Family" might not show up until the end of the process.

Please don't hear me say that all family is safe and should be given first opportunity for placement! But at the same time, I am saying, not all family is evil and don't care about the kids.   I am saying, you might hold off judgement until you meet them.  You might hold off opinions until you know all the circumstances.  And I am saying that children being raised by family who is safe is a good thing!  Something we as adoptive parents fail to think of in the beginning is that adopted kids are adopted their whole lives!  Some are ok with that, and some really struggle to overcome the rejection of that!  Any child being raised by family has a little less rejection to face!

And on a selfish note, I want to know where my grandkids are!  I want to be able to be a part of their lives since it wasn't my choices that put them where they are!  We may have more grandchildren whose future is unclear.  I will always want to have any opportunity I can to be a part of their lives.  I am so thankful now we were open to letting Madison's grandmother and siblings be a part of her life! Anyone who knows me knows I am not a huge proponent of open adoptions.  I know, I am not politically correct in that....and oh so many other things as well!  But we knew Madison's grandmother was safe for her and we are thankful Madison has that connection to her biological family!  And now that I am "The Family" I understand even more the sacrifice it was for her grandmother to agree to let us adopt her! I admire her greatly and am forever indebted to her for allowing us to be Madison's parents!

So I guess my message through all the garble of my emotions here is that if you are a foster parent, stay open.  Don't jump to conclusions.  Try to not let your emotions lead every decision.  Try to think long term and not just in the now.  And don't automatically view any biological relative of your foster child as the enemy!  I know if we ever foster again, I will do it with a whole different perspective than I did the first time!