Carrying my Cross

I love how personal God is! I love how many chances He gives me! I love that even when I mess up, He takes me right back! There are a couple of really hard things going on with adoptions in Texas right now. I know without a doubt this is a battle God has called me to. I have tried to walk away - you know "the Lord will fight for you, you keep still" {Exodus 14:14}, but He brings it right back to my door step time and time again. I have finally accepted that this is part of my "for such a time as this" and a way to use so much of our personal as well as professional story that is full of heart ache for good!

But if I am honest with myself, while I have agreed this is my cross to bear, I have not carried it well. I have most definitely not counted it all joy when I have faced trials of many kinds. I have not persevered in order to produce proven character and most certainly did not have hope on many days. In fact, many days, I sat staring at a wall begging for a way out. It. is. hard.

As God would have it, we took communion together as a Body the Sunday after one of these particularly hard weeks. As I contemplated the cross, the load I had been asked to carry obviously waned in a big way! I dropped to my seat in sorrow and remorse that I had been such a complainer that week. Yes, I had been obedient, but I had not been a willing vessel. I had gone kicking and screaming...and kicking some more....and screaming some more!

But as I sat there asking God to forgive me for what the enemy was trying to make me feel like was a huge failure, the visual image of the movies we see with a crucifixion scene came to mind. You know the one where they lay the cross on Jesus' back, he takes two steps and falls to the ground from the weight of the cross and the exhaustion/pain of all he had endured previously and the huge wooden cross tumbles to the ground? That is the image that came to mind! Then that still small voice said, "Why are you being so hard on yourself? Even I had to have someone carry my own cross at some point!" You see the gospels of Mark, Luke and Matthew all state that another man had to carry Jesus' cross up the hill.

Wow! If Jesus struggled to carry his literal cross, why would I not think I would struggle at times to carry mine?! And you know what, the Holly Spirit assured me that day in that pew that He is ok with that! He was pleased that I was still waking the hill, dragging the cross. I hadn't laid it down and walked of, and I hadn't stop altogether! As long as I was continuing in my yes, He could and would continue to use my obedience!

What cross are you struggling to carry? Can I encourage you? It's OK to struggle! Just don't quit! Just don't let the enemy wind the mind games he plays! Keep on keeping on...even when you can't do it with "all joy", just do it! Because God can use even our whiny, limping, complaining, barely making it YES!