The Next Faith Journey: Obedience, Submission, and a Ram

Walking with God is never boring! That is a fact! We have taken a few twists and turns on our newest faith journey! A couple weeks ago I spent the day on Country Club Road with a contractor going over all that needed to be done. The first contractor we had met with was pretty overwhelmed with the job, so we wanted to get a second opinion. I also met with an AC company to try to figure out the 6 condensers! What a mess!

We were moving forward. We received  seller's disclosure which was pretty discouraging because they were obviously not taking it seriously. That was obvious on the question that asked if they knew of any issues with the pool drainage to which they checked no. The pool drain was completely cemented in to make a fish pond! Where I come from, that is a problem for drainage! They also talked throughout the disclosure about how the property was "priced for repairs". Remember we knew we would probably need to get it for a third of the price they were asking! But God had not released us, so we moved forward in faith as there were no definite red lights....maybe a caution light or two, but still not red!

Then God did a really cool thing!

John and I desire to have a Godly marriage! For those who haven't figured it out, I am a pretty strong personality! ;) So sometimes the Biblical roles in our home take very deliberate and methodical steps to ensure execution! And sometimes they just get completely flipped upside down before we even realize it! We have been doing the very deliberate and methodical steps in this journey! At some point that week nearly in passing when we were talking about all that had to be done on the Country Club house, John says, "I think this may be an Abraham and Isaac situation where God is asking us to walk in faith and continue on a journey to learn to trust, but he will provide a different way that is not nearly as hard or stressful as remodeling that house." I can't say that I immediately thought that there was any merit to that. However as I reflected on it over the next few days, I could see where God could have used the Country Club house to spiritually wake me up and get me in a place where I was meeting with Him again. But I still felt very much like the Country Club house was what we needed to pursue! I shared all of that with John, and we kept moving forward.

Fast forward a few days and John gets a text from a friend who lives in the community we are wanting to move to. He knows of someone who is selling their family estate. No one really seems to know how many bedrooms or bathrooms for sure. But the land and square footage sounds like what we are looking for. John thinks we should go look at it. So I am left struggling with what I know God has told me, and what my husband is asking me to do...along with the conversations we have had about Country Club possibly being a test of faith by God who all along had something much better for us. I was pretty discouraged and again questioning our sanity for even thinking about moving. I have learned in this journey that having 8 kids makes it really hard to feel as if you are always doing what is best for all of the kids! That has been a struggle for me in this process! I was struggling with not wavering in faith of what I felt God had told me, being open to what my husband was thinking, and wondering if it was all just a crazy idea from the beginning! I finally told John if he could find time in our crazy schedule to go look at it when they could meet us, I would go.

Front of the House

As we drove up, I was taken back by the yards of the house! The lot was even more stunning than Country Club Road. But the verdict on the house was still out...it was covered in ivy..like growing over the windows in ivy! Toben was with us, and he said as we drove up, "I don't want to live in this house, I am pretty sure it's haunted!" (Disclaimer: we do not teach our kids about haunted houses! Nor do we believe in ghosts! :) ) But John and I get out and meet the sweet lady who had come to show us her family's

Back of House 

Back Yard

estate. We would learn that she was one of 5 children. Her brother had built the house in the '80's for their parents. They had all raised their grandchildren there. They had lost their mother in February and none of them needed this much space. They didn't have the funds to keep it in the family. She just kept saying, "This place is magical!" As we walked through the house, I would come to agree with her! You walk from the main front door into a grand entry, into a dining room with a really long table (long enough to seat our whole family!!!!!) and on the other side of the dining room was a double door that she had thrown open to what looked like heaven on earth! There was a HUGE back porch with a deck stepping down off of that, then a lawn stepping down off the deck. Then you walk down a few more steps to get to the HUGE green back yard! We were still unclear about how many bedrooms and bathrooms the house had. As we walked through we kept count. There were a few things about the house layout that I was not sure about, (like no more game room). But as we kept walking, I fell more and more in love with the place! Final bedroom count was 7 - just what we needed! And the rooms are huge, so really no game room was a non-issue because the rooms are plenty big for toys and play! The property has a stocked pond that Toben immediately fell in love with! And she told us if we put corn out at night, our yard would be full of deer the next morning.  There was something familiar about the place that I couldn't put my finger on....something that made me know I had dreamed of a place like this but never really imagined I would ever live in one!  It was when John said, "It reminds me of a Fredericksburg home" that I finally knew what it was! I had grown up going to Fredericksburg and loving the feel of those homes and the town! I had dreamed of one day living somewhere that looked like that with Austin stone and green grass and flowers galore. And he was right...it looked just like a Fredericksburg bed and breakfast!

Even with all of that, I was unsure. What about the directions God had given me about Country Club. What about the parts of this house that made me a little unsure like the master bedroom being upstairs and both living areas being downstairs with one being fairly small compared to what we have now. Just little things that drive you crazy when trying to make a big decision like this!

As God would have it, I was headed to a women's conference that next day after looking at the house. As I drove to get my friend from the airport that evening after we looked at the house, John sent me a text that said, "I think this is our house. I think it is our Ram." You see, God had planted in John the seed that He would provide a less stressful, less intense route than Country Club because He knew we had trusted and walked in total faith in the direction He had called. But just like he did with Abraham as he was about to sacrifice Isaac, God had provided a ram for the sacrifice and spared Isaac's life and Abraham's father's heart in having to sacrifice a son.....something God would not spare himself for us, by the way! And John believed this was our Ram provided by God! It still needed some renovation, but not nearly to the extent of the other house.

So that provided me with an opportunity and the need for some serious prayer! As I sought God's will and direction, I could not get a clear answer. What I did get was released from the Country Club house in a sense. It is a little hard to explain, but how I put it to John was that I did not have the clear cut, without a doubt, answer to buy the new house that I had with the Country Club house. However, at that point, I did feel like I could walk away from the Country Club house without being in disobedience or giving up on God or faith. But I also explained for me to do that I would need him (John) to tell me he had that extreme confident, without a doubt, direction from God that this house is our house.

And just like that God provided an amazing opportunity for John and my marriage! He had given us an opportunity for marriage to work the way He intended it! He had provided an opportunity for John to lead, for me to submit. For John to love me, and for me to respect him! It was a beautiful thing!

And He didn't stop there! A few days after we decided to pursue the Austin Stone house, John got a call form the contractor who was working up a bid on the Country Club house. He asked John if we had a budget (enter hysterical laughter at the thought of us NOT having a budget!). Of course John said that we did, to which the contractor replied that they were not yet finished with all the repairs needed and were at $350,000! And just like that God provided confirmation that we had made the right decision to lay that down and pursue the other house! That was over $100,000 more than what we knew was the max we could spend to remodel!

God has once again shown me through this faith journey that He is all about the journey! He is not nearly as concerned with the outcomes of these journeys as we are....but what He is concerned with is the way these journeys change and mature and grow us into His likeness! It has been refreshing in this journey to stop and smell the roses so to speak! I can say that this is the first time I have embraced that Truth and committed to focusing on the journey and not on the outcome! It has truly been a refreshing journey that has brought me back to a place of trust and faith. It has made me fall even more madly in love with my Savior and taught me so much about Him and how He loves me!

Don't get me wrong...I am excited to see where this journey ends as well, but until we arrive at the end, I am devoted to taking each step focused on Him and learning to walk in total reliance, faith and trust of my Heavenly Father who is a good daddy! I am determined to enjoy the journey!  I hope this encourages you in any faith or trust journey you are on right now! Commit today to simply hearing His voice and doing what He says for today! Tomorrow has enough troubles of it's own! ;)

the next faith journey! Part Two

To get the beginning, you will need to read Part 1! J

So I went to bed early that night. Really early. I kind of left everything to John that night. I never do that! I didn’t even tuck the kids in bed. I was just kind of done adulting for the day….for the week….for the year. I was frustrated. I was mad. I was sad. I was disappointed. I could feel hopelessness starting to press in again. It’s at that point that I am beginning to recognize where it all is coming from. With God there is ALWAYS hope! So when hopelessness starts, I know the enemy is at play in my mind. I had enough with-it-ness to know I had to get back in the Word if I was going to pull myself up out of the pit I was starting to sink into!

So I set the alarm for early figuring when you go to bed at 8:30, you can afford to get up at 4:00 am to spend time with Jesus. And it was true. I woke up the next morning before my alarm went off (God often does this when He wants to talk to me! And if I get up when I wake up, I usually am wide awake and not tired the rest of the day!) but the darkness was still pressing in and I just could not do it with that first alarm. Sleep did not come with the snooze of the alarm, so I got up the next time it went off. Best move I made all day!

I went into my prayer closet and this verse card hanging on the wall immediately stuck out at me!

 

I didn’t even remember writing that! But it was P.E.R.F.E.C.T. for not only that morning but the pit I had been slipping in and out of for weeks if not months! I snapped this picture and put it on my Insta account – cause you know when you do that it means it really means something! (insert sarcastic tone and wink, wink!) But actually every time someone liked it, I got a notification which brought it right back to mind. A funny thing happened mid-morning. I had a very vague memory of a house John showed me when I woke for a brief second when he came to bed the night before. I remember thinking he was smoking crack for even showing it to me and was lucky I didn’t completely unleash on him. Remember, I was not in a good frame of mind that evening! I don’t normally unleash on my husband for any reason, but I wasn’t exactly myself! So I went to my computer to see if I could find the house.

I found it. It was as bad as I remembered. But this voice said, “that’s the house!” It wasn’t an audible voice. It was in my head. It wasn’t a booming voice in my head. But the more you walk with God, the more you learn what His “voice” sounds like. You know, like when you start dating and your new beau has to say, “This is ____” when you answer the phone (ok maybe I am dating myself here, but we did not used to have phone numbers and names print out before we answered the phone!). But after a few weeks of dating, you recognize the “hello!” on the other end of the line without them having to tell you who they are. That’s kind of how it is with God’s voice too. However, it has been awhile since I’ve heard His voice like that. In fact, He had not dropped a crazy, jump-off-the-ledge faith thought like that since He asked us to take custody of Ella and DJ – 3 years ago! But as I heard that voice,  peace followed by a crazy excitement started bubbling up in my from the inside out! I recognized that feeling immediately!

I knew John was in a meeting, so I simply texted him and asked him to call me. He asked if it was an emergency. I couldn’t hold it in! I told him no, but that I was calling our realtor about the house on Country Club Road and was calling the loan officers to get approved unless he objected! You know what I got back? A text that said:
                K. In this mornings Bethel sermon I listened to it said ‘in the kingdom all lights are green until they are red and you’ll know when they are red’

And that was all the confirmation I needed! I knew we had just taken the first step into a crazy adventure! I had NO IDEA where this adventure would lead us, but I knew I felt an excitement I had not felt in a Very. Long. Time. And I knew I loved my husband more in that moment than I had in a lifetime.

Now it just sounds like a warm and fuzzy story, right. Well, let me tell you about Country Club Road! It is priced $100,000 over our budget. It is 8,122 square feet. Hold on, don’t get too excited. In that 8,122 sq ft, there are only three bedrooms! I am not sure how that happens, but it did! We need 7. I felt sure in that much room we could find a place for four more! But it gets even better (or worse however you want to look at it!) We can tell from the pictures that we would need to get it for around half and maybe even 1/3 what they are asking to be able to purchase it and do the repairs! That's crazy talk in this market! It has been for sale for almost a year, and we would later learn has been uninhabited for almost 2 years. You can see in the pictures that it all needs painted, and it’s pretty clear that most of the carpet in the house has been ripped up. I studied the pictures that day, and the kitchen is amazing  - minus the heating lamps..no joke! heating lamps!..hanging above the island – It has many built ins in the cabinets and what I am almost positive is an industrial refrigerator/freezer like the one we left in our newly remodeled kitchen in West Texas! I found a virtual tour that had pictures with descriptions, and I started planning out the bedrooms!

As that day went on, I began to feel alive again! Truly, I had a feeling of joy and just aliveness that I had not felt in years….probably since we said yes to the babies! And God spoke to me All. Day. Long!

For instance, I had to go to the store. I bought a snack to eat on the run at the deli and placed it in the cart while I loaded my car. I turned my back to put something in the car, and a black bird with beady yellow eyes jumped up on the cart and tried to eat my snack! I started yelling and waving my arms (sure that was a sight for all the other people in the parking lot!) to get him off. He just kind of looked at me, then eventually jumped off the cart onto the ground. That voice I heard earlier said, “Don’t you see! That is exactly what the enemy is doing to you! He is jumping up to steal your joy and your dreams right out from under your nose! And just like you fought that bird off, you will have to fight him off!” It was so vivid and so direct that I teared up right there in the parking lot! That voice. His Voice spoke right to my inner being! I picked up my snack and put it in the car only to return to the cart and find the beady eyed bird back up on the cart again staring at me! Again the He spoke “I have placed this seed of faith in you. The enemy will try to steal it. He will come back even when you have protected it just like the bird and your snack! Do not let him coming back be a sign that the seed is not real. Fight him off. Remind him of his reality. He is defeated. The seed of faith will grow into your dream as long as you don’t let him steal it.” Wow! Just what I needed to hear. And in that moment I decided I was walking this journey of faith with confidence until God put up a distinct red light!

That day, I learned a valuable lesson. Hearing God say “Go!” and then answering with a “Yes!” before you even know the first step makes you feel more alive than anything this world has to offer! I looked in the mirror that night and said, “Welcome back, HollyAnn! I have missed you!” And just like that, I decided to put all fear and doubt and unbelief and fear behind me and Trust! Trust I heard His voice, trust He is good, and trust I could survive the journey – no matter where it takes us! 

Alive Again...the next faith journey! Part One

I have said many times here that this has been a very dark and difficult season. I have thought several times that a light was shining and the darkness was ending. However, we have pretty well stayed in a state of crisis for the last 5 and a half years. If it was not a child in crisis, it was a parent. If it was not one of those, then there was just the very hard and overwhelming tasks of life with a family our size and the unique needs of all of our children. Add to all of that a move across the state which meant having to build new community in the middle of it, and you have the perfect recipe for dark days.

I think I did a fairly good job of navigating the storms for the first couple of  years, but the last three and a half have just been me treading water trying to keep my head from going under. Can anyone relate?! I imagine many can. I don't think this is something only John and I are facing. I hear the same stories from many saints. I think it is the dark days we live in. All hell has literally broken lose, and the enemy is most definitely roaming around seeking whom he may devour! And I have some pretty significant bit marks on my body!

But it doesn't have to be like that! I know that in my head...so why do I walk in the darkness so many days? For me, it is a slow fade. I have days where I have intense and intimate time with God. I coast on that for a few days, then the gas of that time runs out. I don't refuel. Darkness consumes me again.

Let me define my darkness for you. It is not an immediate "lights out" darkness. It starts with that one thought. "Where is God now?" or "See where walking in obedience got you?" If my guard is down and that thought takes root in my mind before I take it captive and make it obedient to what I know is true about my God and replace it with His Living Word, then the darkness slowly takes over. Before I realize it, I am in a state of depression. That makes it hard (read almost impossible) to get up that hour early to spend quality time with God. Which means no Truth going in to hold at bay the deluge of lies that come all day long! For me it looks a lot like overwhelming schedules, chaos that seems to never have order and in my mind is impossible to manage. And just like that, I am putty in the hands of the enemy.

Well, this past week, light broke through the darkness in a way it has not since we said yes to taking custody of our grand babies. For many reasons that I will have to share another time, John and I have been looking at homes with land. One of the reasons is so we can have horses. Ava has started hippo-therapy and we have found something she loves - horses! She has no fear and has found something uniquely hers that she enjoys, can do and is successful! Praise God! You don't really understand the magnitude of something like that for  a child until you have a special needs child who tries and tries everything imaginable, but just has some limitations that means success is just outside of their reach! But there are many other reasons a move is exciting - like getting back to a smaller town. We spent the first 6 years of our marriage in small communities, and we miss that extended family feel that these communities have. We also know for our kids, the opportunities in a small school district are very beneficial - while balancing that with the needs of our kiddos that have been served VERY WELL in our current district!

So what started out as looking out of curiosity of what is out there, has turned into what would appear to be our next faith journey! John and I have always done the "big things" well! It's the day to day that kills us! So we are committing to doing the day to day well while we walk out the big thing this time! It makes it all the more exciting!

I hope to be able to go back and fill in the gaps, but for now, I am just going to say that after our initial looking at properties, I laid down the idea of moving. It was kind of my desires that started the process, and with some circumstances currently and after looking at what was in our budget, I decided it must not be the right time. Now what came with that was some disappointment and maybe even a little bitterness. You see there are some BEAUTIFUL 4 bedroom homes on properties that are picture perfect that are below our budget. But when you factor in needing at least 6 and really 7 bedrooms, well, there just are not many on the market at all, and certainly not in the price range we were looking. The enemy saw the target and went right to work planting the lies that all the yes's we made to God had created a circumstance that made something my heart desired, not just for me but for my children, impossible. And so the darkness continued.

John brought moving back up. And if I am totally honest, I was just slightly peeved that he did. I had found my peace (read had settled into my bitterness about not being able to move) and was ready to gear up for another year or 2 or 8 here. You see it will be 8 years before we have another child entering high school without someone else already in high school! #thingsyoushouldneverhavetosay But there were a couple of open houses in the community that we really wanted to live on a Sunday when an employee of John's was also having a blood drive at that same community. So we decided to go take a look. Both houses were amazing and over the top gorgeous! But again, space is an issue with a family of 10! One had enough land that we could probably make work, but the house just didn't have enough space, no matter how hard I tried to make it work because it was amazing! The other house had enough space, but no land for what we are hoping to add when we move! And it was about 100,000 above our price range! #sigh There was one other house that looked like a possible fit in another community, so we went home through that route that Sunday afternoon. The community was disappointing and not what we knew we wanted to settle into. We REALLY hope this is our last move. I am looking at this as the Camp Glammy and Grumps location for the brood of grandkids we will have the pleasure of loving on in the coming years (and prayerfully sooner rather than later if we are able to be a part of Ezra and Uriah's lives!). So I went to bed pretty defeated Sunday night. I was ticked that I had started thinking about it again only to be disappointed. And I was frustrated again that we needed so much space but had such limited funds for a purchase. The darkness tried to come in a little close....but new mercies would come in the morning.