I have said many times here that this has been a very dark and difficult season. I have thought several times that a light was shining and the darkness was ending. However, we have pretty well stayed in a state of crisis for the last 5 and a half years. If it was not a child in crisis, it was a parent. If it was not one of those, then there was just the very hard and overwhelming tasks of life with a family our size and the unique needs of all of our children. Add to all of that a move across the state which meant having to build new community in the middle of it, and you have the perfect recipe for dark days.
I think I did a fairly good job of navigating the storms for the first couple of years, but the last three and a half have just been me treading water trying to keep my head from going under. Can anyone relate?! I imagine many can. I don't think this is something only John and I are facing. I hear the same stories from many saints. I think it is the dark days we live in. All hell has literally broken lose, and the enemy is most definitely roaming around seeking whom he may devour! And I have some pretty significant bit marks on my body!
But it doesn't have to be like that! I know that in my head...so why do I walk in the darkness so many days? For me, it is a slow fade. I have days where I have intense and intimate time with God. I coast on that for a few days, then the gas of that time runs out. I don't refuel. Darkness consumes me again.
Let me define my darkness for you. It is not an immediate "lights out" darkness. It starts with that one thought. "Where is God now?" or "See where walking in obedience got you?" If my guard is down and that thought takes root in my mind before I take it captive and make it obedient to what I know is true about my God and replace it with His Living Word, then the darkness slowly takes over. Before I realize it, I am in a state of depression. That makes it hard (read almost impossible) to get up that hour early to spend quality time with God. Which means no Truth going in to hold at bay the deluge of lies that come all day long! For me it looks a lot like overwhelming schedules, chaos that seems to never have order and in my mind is impossible to manage. And just like that, I am putty in the hands of the enemy.
Well, this past week, light broke through the darkness in a way it has not since we said yes to taking custody of our grand babies. For many reasons that I will have to share another time, John and I have been looking at homes with land. One of the reasons is so we can have horses. Ava has started hippo-therapy and we have found something she loves - horses! She has no fear and has found something uniquely hers that she enjoys, can do and is successful! Praise God! You don't really understand the magnitude of something like that for a child until you have a special needs child who tries and tries everything imaginable, but just has some limitations that means success is just outside of their reach! But there are many other reasons a move is exciting - like getting back to a smaller town. We spent the first 6 years of our marriage in small communities, and we miss that extended family feel that these communities have. We also know for our kids, the opportunities in a small school district are very beneficial - while balancing that with the needs of our kiddos that have been served VERY WELL in our current district!
So what started out as looking out of curiosity of what is out there, has turned into what would appear to be our next faith journey! John and I have always done the "big things" well! It's the day to day that kills us! So we are committing to doing the day to day well while we walk out the big thing this time! It makes it all the more exciting!
I hope to be able to go back and fill in the gaps, but for now, I am just going to say that after our initial looking at properties, I laid down the idea of moving. It was kind of my desires that started the process, and with some circumstances currently and after looking at what was in our budget, I decided it must not be the right time. Now what came with that was some disappointment and maybe even a little bitterness. You see there are some BEAUTIFUL 4 bedroom homes on properties that are picture perfect that are below our budget. But when you factor in needing at least 6 and really 7 bedrooms, well, there just are not many on the market at all, and certainly not in the price range we were looking. The enemy saw the target and went right to work planting the lies that all the yes's we made to God had created a circumstance that made something my heart desired, not just for me but for my children, impossible. And so the darkness continued.
John brought moving back up. And if I am totally honest, I was just slightly peeved that he did. I had found my peace (read had settled into my bitterness about not being able to move) and was ready to gear up for another year or 2 or 8 here. You see it will be 8 years before we have another child entering high school without someone else already in high school! #thingsyoushouldneverhavetosay But there were a couple of open houses in the community that we really wanted to live on a Sunday when an employee of John's was also having a blood drive at that same community. So we decided to go take a look. Both houses were amazing and over the top gorgeous! But again, space is an issue with a family of 10! One had enough land that we could probably make work, but the house just didn't have enough space, no matter how hard I tried to make it work because it was amazing! The other house had enough space, but no land for what we are hoping to add when we move! And it was about 100,000 above our price range! #sigh There was one other house that looked like a possible fit in another community, so we went home through that route that Sunday afternoon. The community was disappointing and not what we knew we wanted to settle into. We REALLY hope this is our last move. I am looking at this as the Camp Glammy and Grumps location for the brood of grandkids we will have the pleasure of loving on in the coming years (and prayerfully sooner rather than later if we are able to be a part of Ezra and Uriah's lives!). So I went to bed pretty defeated Sunday night. I was ticked that I had started thinking about it again only to be disappointed. And I was frustrated again that we needed so much space but had such limited funds for a purchase. The darkness tried to come in a little close....but new mercies would come in the morning.
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