The Journey: Going for a visit

John talked with Buckner yesterday and got a little more info on the little boy. It always seems like you are working a puzzle without the picture to go by when you are getting a placement like this. You are trying to put the bits and pieces of info together that you get, but not even sure what direction you are going with the pieces!

Our biggest concern is making sure this is a placement that will last however long it needs to. If this little guy needs a home for the next week, year or a lifetime, we want to make sure we can provide that before we say yes. Buckner and John thought it would be a good idea for us to go for a visit with him. That makes me a little....ok, a lot!....nervous! When I see a child, well, my heart kind of falls in love really easy! But John thinks it would be a good idea and we will know more. My head agrees, my heart is scared.

We did find out that he is bi-racial and not full African American. That concerns me as six is the limit...unless we go to a group home license which is a whole other topic for another time. I have always felt that Toben needs someone that looks like him in the family. I feel strongly about this. Not saying every family has to have that, but for Toben I think it is necessary. In fact, when I told the boys about this little guy, the first question Toben asked was, "Does he look like me?" When I said he probably looks more like Noah, Toben got sad.

Then one of those moments that makes me love having a large family occurred! I asked Toben why he didn't want him to live with us, and he said because we would just keep getting more and more babies. Noah then turns to him and says, "But if we get more like that family that has all the kids...Mom who are they?" Me: "The Duggars?" Noah: "Yeah, the Duggars, then maybe we can get our own tv show!" Well, yes, that's a reason to have more children! There you have it! The real reason we do this! We are after our own reality show! NOT! It is so NOT worth it for that! :)

Anyway, we are waiting to hear when we might get to go visit the little guy. Not sure what we are looking for in the visit, other than peace that passes all understanding one way or another. One of my fears and reason for turning the placement down the first time if my fear of me attaching. So it would be nice to talk to his current care givers to see if attachment issues seem to be present. I have my own, don't know if I could handle his and mine. Realizing I have never blogged about that. Need to do that! I didn't bond immediately with either of the boys...Toben took longer than Noah....but I know that is because he was older...I had missed out on more. I mourned those early years that I missed being his mommy!

Visiting also seems like "shopping" for children. I can't tell you how much I disdain that thought! He will only think we are coming for a play date. If we come to mind, pray for us! The future of a little guy, as well as our current children, is riding on this decision. That is a lot of weight to bear! We know God holds the answer, and we are seeking Him with all we have right now to know His plan for this little man!

To be continued.....