The Journey: For Jo

I want to respond to a comment I got on my last post about Little Guy...Jo, I did publish your comment, even though you could not be further from the truth...and I will explain why!
Hollyann,

I usually enjoy your posts and this is my transparent response - (we can be transparent too right?LOL).

No seriously, taking the last two posts together, it seems to me you rejected this little boy because: (a) your mom wouldn't like his braids; and (c) because his skin color wasn't your preference. In fact, after these two factors became apparent, your "heart was shut immediately." That's about as shallow as one can be. Wow.

I know you will either not post this or chalk it up to just another person attacking you. Or someone who doesn't really know you (even though the words are for the world to read). I'm sorry if that is usually the case. But this time, your last two posts are offensive. But, hey, its "transparent", so that makes everything just fine and unchallengable!

ugh.

Jo

First let me address why you concluded that I 'rejected' this little boy. If you will scan down my posts, you will see pictures of all five of my children. I'm not sure where you can say that I would turn a child away because of skin color. I have children of all shades. And have desired that since I was a child. But since you don't really know me, you wouldn't know that. And for the braids, yes, that would have been a challenge with my parents. And in fact, that concern is one of the least shallow things I could think. You see, once again because you don't know me, what you don't know is that my parents have been against all of our adoptions. They don't totally understand why we do what we do. They have come to respect it over the years, but even with the decision to take on another child, they had real concerns and were pretty well against it. Why I say it is not shallow to think of that is because when we have family pictures later this year, that little boy will be in them. That means that whatever child I bring into my home will be in the family portrait that my parents hang on their wall. When we adopted Noah, I didn't consider that. I very arrogantly told my parents about our decision to adopt Noah and pretty well just told them to accept it because we were adults and they couldn't stop us from doing it. That was shallow. But in the adoption journeys since then, I have come to realize that what we do does affect them. Will I ever choose pleasing my parents over walking in obedience to God, I pray I won't! But ultimately, considering that is not shallow and the feelings of fear about having to deal with their feelings about the braids, well those are real. I can deny them and pretend to be perfect, but that doesn't help me or the number of people reading my blog who have thanked me for my transparency in my decisions and dealing with inter-racial adoption. Those people read the heart in all my posts and understand that I don't make any decisions based on hair style or skin color, but on hours of prayer and being on my face before the Lord begging for His answers and submitting my will to His. Do I always succeed in making the right decisions, definitely not. But I can guarantee you that every decision from adoption to where to send my kids to school to how to spend our money is made at the foot of the cross with a heart that only desires to please God and glorify Him.

As far as my posts being offensive, I'm sorry that you chose to take them that way. My heart was shut immediately. But as I stayed and played with the Little Guy and as I prayed for wisdom over the situation, my heart opened...why else would I have been trying to find a way to accept the referral of him and his sister? Did you miss that part? His skin color and braids were not stopping me from pursuing it all the way to the point that God said, stop.

And for the skin color part. As I explained, that has to do with sensitivity to a child I have already committed to...my son. This is based on a conviction that I have had for over a year now...and have stood on even when my own husband didn't necessarily agree with me. Now that Toben has voiced these concerns, John totally agrees with me. Our decision to not take Little Guy was based on MANY things. I didn't go into all of them in my post about peace. But let me explain a little more here since you have brought up the skin color.

We are at 5 kids. In Texas, you can only have 6 kids total in your care before you have to be moved to a group home. When you become a group home, you are supposed to only take in kids who are 5 or older. That is not what John and I feel comfortable with at this time in our lives. I would LOVE to adopt older children, and in fact, we pursued a sibling group of 6 who were 7-16. You can read about that in older posts. But God shut that door and was gracious to show us the reason for that placement consideration. Ever since then, we have agreed that we needed to take in younger children. This has a lot to do with our calling in life...what I know I was put on the earth to do. I have a very strong call on my life to help children find families. I am blessed to know many large families...and by large I mean 9-20 children. I don't see us as a "large" family - a fact that just blows John's mind! John and I have talked many times about our admiration of these families. One thing that you notice is that their family is their calling. They do little else. They can't. When you have that many children, you need to limit outside activity to make sure you are serving your children and spouse. I stand firm on my belief that my family is my first and most important calling. I have gotten that out of balance at times with my work in Addy's Hope. So I am very protective of that now. As we look at adding children to our family, we also have to look at our role in Addy's Hope. John and I stood in our kitchen before calling Buckner and talked about what adding two toddlers to our family would mean. It would greatly hinder my ability to go to churches and talk about the need we saw at the group home. It would greatly hinder my ability to have couples over to the house to talk about what they feel God is asking them to do by adopting or fostering but are scared to death. I know my limits, and I know my calling. I greatly admire the women who have more children than me and handle it like pros..even home schooling! I don't judge them, I many times envy them. But I am confident in the calling God has on my life and that means I can't look at them and try to make my life look like theirs any more than they need to make their life look like mine. It means we all seek God for ourselves and walk in what He calls us each to...that is what makes The Body the I love so dearly function as a Body! We are nearing the limit of children we can handle at this stage of life with the calling God has on me for adoption as a whole. That means adding a child who is not full African American could possibly mean Toben grows up without a child who looks like him. I don't believe that is what is best for him, our family or what God has called us to. If you read back over my posts from The Journey, you will see where I post over and over that I am very confident that God puts desires in our hearts for a reason. They guide us to the child He has for us. Does he ask us to be open to things that are not our desires at times? Yes, and I believe He did that with Little Guy and I answered with a resounding, Yes, Lord! I am your bond servant! May it be to me as you desire! But in the end, He didn't say bring him home. He used Little Guy in my life, but I think more importantly in John's life, to solidify our calling to motivate and act as a catalyst to empower churches to empower their people to respond to the epidemic of children in need of families in our nation and around the world!

Jo, I don't know if you are a foster parent or adoptive parent or who you are because your profile is not public. I always find it ironic that the people who leave the most negative comments are the ones who do not have public profiles. I'm glad you have "enjoyed" most of my posts. I would love for you to continue reading my blog. But I would encourage you to not leave negative comments on my blog or anyone elses if you are not going to be bold enough to at least have your blog public and open yourself up to the same kind of criticism from strangers that you are giving to me and anyone else that you leave such comments on their blog.

I could have posted the nice, thought about, wrapped up thoughts on my blog. I could have left out the messy ones. The ones that aren't generated from God...the ones that I can look back later and know the enemy was using to derail me...but I chose not to even with the criticism of people like you. I do that because I believe it is VERY important for those of us who have gone before to be frank about our feelings and fears in adoptions...especially inter-racial adoptions. That way those who are being called to do this and are just beginning are not discouraged and dissuaded by their own fears and thoughts that they are too scared to speak because of people like you who will judge them and put them down.

Since you don't have a public profile and I don't know if you are a foster or adoptive family, I don't know if you have ever had to wrestle with any of these kinds of thoughts. If you are an adoptive or foster family and you have never had any of those "what if" or "is this the match for me" thoughts and took every child that came your way without question, then you are either a saint or not totally honest with anyone...including yourself. I have walked many adoptive parents through the process of deciding whether a placement is right for them. The ones I respect the most are the ones that wrestle with that decision. It shows that they are very serious about the role they have in taking in a child. It shows that they believe that adoption is permanent! They are not a family who will give it a try and then if it doesn't work out, place the child back up for adoption like some do. I truly admire families who wrestled this out....even if in the end it meant they turned down a placement.

You said you are only being transparent. I would encourage you to be more transparent...open your profile so I and anyone else who wants to can read your blog! That is true transparency!

Lastly let me say, thank you for your comment. It did make me go back and evaluate what I said and how we made our decision. I don't know you, but God used you to fulfill Proverbs 27:17, "As iron sharpens iron, so does one man sharpen another." And for that I am grateful!