Holding Onto Hope

This is going to be one of those in the middle of the battle transparent posts!  So you have been warned if you want to continue reading!

The last three weeks have presented some of the darkest days of my life! Even saying that seems a bit silly since the last ten years have brought some heartbreaking circumstances.  Yet, those circumstances did not bring the dark night of the soul or a dread of hopelessness like I have felt over the last few weeks.

There is no event or trigger that I can say brought on these dark days. In fact, this is a time when I believe that strongholds that have been in my life and in the lives of those closest to me are about to be broken once and for all!  This is a time when I believe promises that God gave to me years ago will be fulfilled.  So why the dark days?

I don't have a definite answer.  I can't explain it totally.  All I know is that I have felt on many days like the enemy has literally been trying to kill me.  For anyone who has not "been there", I realize that sounds absurd and a bit crazy.  But for those who have "been there", you will understand that feeling exactly! There were days that I could not even take a deep breath.  There were days that I had to pray and quote scripture through each day just to put one foot in front of the other and fulfill the tasks for that day.  There were days I literally did not think I would make it until time that I could lay my head down on my bed.  I have battled spiritual depression at times in my life, and I have battled chemical depression that required medication for a season.  This has not been like any of those! It has been a darkness of a different level.

So why am I writing about this? It's definitely not feeling like a warm and fuzzy, encouragement to the Body, is it ?  I am writing because I believe there are other Christ followers out there who the enemy is pursuing with the same fervor he is pursuing me!  The time for Christians to impact the world is at hand!  The enemy knows that when we fully understand who we are in Christ, he will have no authority over us.  And he will not let go of that easily!  I have had moments of doubt of everything I know or ever believed about God during these dark days!

This has been a time when even answered prayers didn't seem to change circumstances.  For example, we needed childcare for the four youngest that wouldn't require every penny of my salary to pay.  It took us four months, but we finally had a plan.  It was more money than we had been spending, but it was a plan.  Two weeks into that plan (remember it took us four months!), one of the pieces fell apart and we were back to square one for two of the kids.  I shook my fist at God and asked "WHY?!"  How did He expect me to do this job He has called me to when I don't have childcare?!  And how did He expect me to pay for childcare for four children on the salary He has given me?! Within a few days, He provided an answer and we had childcare set again.  Literally two weeks later, the other original piece of childcare fell apart.  And we were back to square one!  We have found a place for them all to go yet again, but our budget is $300 short of fulfilling the new childcare bill.  I'll have to let you know how He provides for that because as of right now, I am still believing by faith the provision will be there!

I share that to show that during this dark time it has seemed that even answers to prayer to fix circumstances have ended up just being two steps backwards!  It has felt like there is literally no way out of the pit of my circumstances! There is not enough time to get everyone where they need to be. There are not enough hours in the day to do all my job demands.  I would think I was doing great one day, then dinner time would come; and I would realize I hadn't planned ahead and there was nothing for dinner other than hop pockets....and of course no money to eat out!

The troubles of this season have felt as if they have had their hands around my neck squeezing the very breath out of my heavy chest.  I have cried out to God for His help, I have begged for His presence as it was only in those times that I felt His tangible presence that I could breathe! I have begged for the mountains that stood in the way of what I know He has asked me to do to be thrown into the sea. Yet even in the moments when a mountain would move, there seemed to be one right behind it still blocking the path! I have questioned my calling, my giftings, my identity, my value, my faith, my belief and my abilities!

But through it all, there has been this small voice constantly whispering, "What do you know about me?!"  "What do you really believe?!"  And in those moments, I choose to take my eyes of circumstances even if for a second and confirm that somewhere beneath the chaos, the doubt, the overwhelming circumstances, I do have a core belief that God is good!  I do have a core belief that He loves me and will provide my every need!  I do have  core belief that my present trouble is worth whatever is needed to bring about the coming glory for Him! And that is how I have kept holding onto hope! Most days I have only held on by my fingernails as they left ridges on the cliff where I slowly slid down toward the pit of despair that threatened to engulf me!  But before I ever hit that pit, a glimmer of light from somewhere or someone would pull me back up just before my feet hit the miry clay!

I know there are others out there today whose circumstances are threatening to destroy all faith and hope you have! I want to encourage you that first, you are NOT ALONE!  Others of us are facing these dark days also.  The enemy wants you to think that God has forgotten you and that you are the only one suffering.  It's a lie from the pit of hell!  You are not alone! God promises that He will never leave us or forsake us!  Second, know that your circumstances are not your reality!  That's hard for me to hear and believe right now too.  But God has taught me enough in the past two years that I know it's true.  What He says about me and my life is my reality!  I just have to hold on, keep praying, keep speaking those things that are not as though they are until His will comes to earth and invades my circumstances just like it is in heaven!  I am not there yet!  But I have just enough hope and belief that it WILL happen and that God will NOT leave me in this dark place, that I hold on!  And I want to encourage you to hold on too!  Find someone who has the faith to stand with you! Ask them to pray with you!

You might ask why do we have to go through this?  Well, I believe it is because we are on the verge of break through and victory like we have never known!  I believe the enemy is trying to take us down before we get to experience the goodness and faithfulness of God in a way we have never before known and will forever change who we are on this earth!  We will know a new and deeper level of intimacy with our Creator that will make us a force for impact on the hurting world around us!  And I also believe that is why God allows this darkness for a moment.  He is about to show himself strong, mighty and faithful in a way we have never seen!

So if you find yourself holding onto hope by only your fingertips, please hold on!  I firmly believe there are areas where our faith is about to be made sight in areas that you have been believing for years!  Don't stop right before the victory! Hang on with me!