My Gethsemane

I want to start with a disclaimer to this post....I am well aware that what I am suffering right now does not even compare to the cross.  John and I have a saying when things get tough and one of us wants to throw in the towel in a particular situation.  We always encourage each other by saying, "We have not suffered to the point of sweating blood yet, so we can press on and do this."  I have not suffered to the point of sweating blood on this journey I am sharing with you now, but I think God put the struggle of Jesus in scripture for us so we can know that even Jesus did not go to the cross without at least a slight pause and a request to opt out of the task.  It gives us freedom to without guilt or shame do the same.  We just must be careful that when we walk out of our Gethsemane we are at the same place Jesus was - totally and completely yielded to the will of God whatever that means!

Paizley is set to deliver in a couple of days.  The reality that the last few months will end with a innocent life being born into this world has pressed in heavy on me the past few days.  I knew I had to deal with all that was going on in my heart.  I knew I had to get with God and allow Him to sift my heart like wheat.  I had to get in a place where I was ok with God and could walk wholly and fully into the days ahead whatever they might bring.

I haven't shared details to protect the privacy of our family.  But I know you know from what I have shared, this has been a rough 8 months!  I honestly have never suffered more intense heartache and personal injury in my life.  I have had heartache, but not as often and as concentrated as has occurred in the past few months.  God has miraculously brought me to a place of healing each time...a place of forgiveness and restoration where I could put the hurt behind me and move forward in the relationship with my daughter.  However, the past 4 weeks were the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back for me.  Nothing happened that was big, and in comparison to some other events they seem trivial.  But for whatever reason, they were the hump I couldn't get over.  The hurt that welled up in me when I would think about Paizley giving birth and bringing the baby here to raise and all that meant for me emotionally and day to day was almost paralyzing.  Some days it was paralyzing.  Once I wrestled with the emotions, I was too drained to do much but make it to the end of the day so I could crawl in bed and pray sleep would come.

As the time has drawn closer for delivery, I knew I had to bring the hurt to the surface and deal with it.  I had to get on my face with God and find a way to face the coming days and months.  When I would think about the baby being born, I would feel like one of the Israelites at the Red Sea.  There were two options: bring the baby home or place with another family for adoption.  I shared from the beginning that it has been our desire and our goal for Paizley to parent this child.  But as the time drew closer and closer we were not sure that was going to be possible.  I felt like her bringing the baby home and parenting in our house was the Red Sea in front of me that would wash me away if I stepped in, and placing her with another family was the Egyptians in hot pursuit behind me.  And I heard myself grumbling much as the Israelites did.  "God, PLEASE take me back!  Take me back to days when life was easier, when I didn't have to think about being a grandmother or helping a wounded teen learn to parent. Take me back to a familiar place without the pain."  I am not saying I regretted Paizley or the life that she carries, don't hear that...I regretted the circumstances of our life.  I don't even know if regret is the right word.  I mourned the circumstance of our life. I mourned what I left behind in my Egypt and cried out in fear for the sea that lay in front of me.

In the last two weeks, I have found myself locked in my bathroom and falling to the floor completely overwhelmed with the tasks that lay ahead.  It was in these moments that I would remember Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane and would pray Jesus' prayer many times on my bathroom floor.  I would cry out to God and ask Him if there was any other way to please remove me from this situation.  Take away all of it.  Rewind somehow or miraculously do something..I didn't even really know what I was asking.  For the first few times, I had to pray that several times before I could get to the next part...BUT no matter what, not my will, but GOD's be done!  I didn't really mean it the first couple of times I prayed it.  I guess you could say I prayed it in faith.  But I followed those prayers with surrendering my heart to God and asking Him to heal the wounds and bring me to a place where I could walk this out.  God is so faithful!  I even had an amazing friend who text me and said she was going to start her first ever fast - a fast from Dr. Pepper - to pray for us! I put it on Facebook which I don't normally do that we were not in a good place for Paizley to give birth and asked for everyone to pray.  I now it is cliche to say you "feel prayers" but in the places I have walked the past several years, I can say I have truly felt prayers...and this time was no different!  I began to feel the hurt lift.  I began to think of the baby coming...something I hadn't been able to do up to that point.  There was a mental and emotional block that wouldn't let my heart and mind go there.  It was like nothing I have ever experienced.  I began to experience the healing that only comes from the Holy Spirit cleaning house in your heart!

We sang a song yesterday in church about the power of God parting oceans.  I knew God was parting my Red Sea.  I wasn't totally sure what the "dry land" was going to look like that I would cross over, but I knew God was parting the waters of my heart.  I knew the prayers I had cried out on my knees for God's will to be done were unfolding as He was making  way for just that.

It all culminated in a very needed, healing and God ordained time between me and my daughter yesterday.  I kind of feel like the Israelites again in that there will be obstacles, famine, drought, wars, etc even after we walk across the Red Sea.  But I will have this time to look back and remember that God brought us through.  And He has taught me to rely on Him in a way I never had before and taught me even more about Himself and His character through this journey.  As I prayed with Paizley yesterday I was able to honestly and earnestly thank God for the lessons this time has brought.  When the drought or famine does come, and it will because we still have a LONG way to go, I will not run in fear but look to the heavens and wait for the manna and quail to fall that will sustain me for THAT day!  It's the biggest lesson I have learned from my Gethsemane - when God's will is not for the cup to pass, but for me to walk out the dying of myself, I will remember the cost of the cross and say YES - and God will then provide whatever I need daily to continue to walk out the road to my cross!  No more and no less than what I need for THAT day!  And on the other side, I will look a little more like Christ than I did when I started the trip.  And that is why I say YES!