He Gives & Takes Away...even children

I started this blog several weeks ago. Like many posts I  begin in this season of live, it went unfinished. However, God has called me back to this one several times...I think because it is truly a stone of remembrance for me & a point of healing and encouragement for this journey...that I may need to reread down the road. But maybe you needed to hear this too! So here it is!


Sunday was a hard emotional day. John and I both have found that church is where the emotions of what we are walking with Ava tend to bubble to the surface and refuse to be squelched. Something about being in the presence of God surrounded by other believers that make it safe to feel. It's a good thing. It's a healthy thing.

But this Sunday was especially emotional! The worship team played two blast from the past songs that we had not heard in years! One of them was Blessed Be Your Name. This song holds a special place in my story - I was on stage with the worship choir at Stonegate the Sunday after Addy died. It had only been 4 days since we had received the call that would forever change my life - she had contracted cholera from dirty water and died. As that song played that Sunday, and I sang "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say Lord Blessed Be Your Name! When the darkness closes in, still I'm gonna say blessed be your Name!" I remember standing that Sunday, hands raised to the air, tears running down my face in obedience - in faith. That Sunday I didn't really believe the words I sang. I wanted to believe them. I wanted my heart to be able to say with confidence, with sincerity even in my current circumstance of pain, confusion, and suffering - my heart will choose to say Lord Blessed be Your Name. But I could only do the motions hoping my heart, mind, and soul would follow. But in reality, I was angry, confused, wanted to know "why", and was so hurt.

That was 13 years ago! As the song played this past Sunday I did the same thing. I stood - a mom facing another good bye of a child, heart hurting. I stood again hands stretched to she sky, tears streaming down my face my voice singing "you give and take away, still my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your Name!" But this time, a smile was on my face - my heart meant the words my mouth sang. In that moment, I was taken back to that stage 13 years prior when my heart ached over my other daughter - my soul wrestled with how a good God could let this happen. My heart wondered how to trust a faithful God that allowed a baby girl to die right before she knew she has a mom. But this time, this Sunday, there was no wrestling. There was no questioning. I stood singing as loudly as I could through the tears and cracking voice that "blessed be your Name when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness, BLESSED BE YOUR NAME!" And this time, I MEANT IT! 

Pslam 56: 8 & 9 says

Record my misery;
    list my tears on your scroll—
    are they not in your record?
 Then my enemies will turn back
    when I call for help.
    By this I will know that God is for me.

In that moment this past Sunday, I knew in my mind, my spirit, and my heart that God is for ME!All the tears I have cried over earthly circumstances the past 13 years, all the wrestling with how can God be faithful, good, true, loving, when my circumstances say he left, he failed, he doesn't care - all those tears have been recorded - and the song they have written has left me with a confidence in my God being good, true, loving, and faithful! As I sang this Sunday facing similar circumstances - 13 years later - many hard roads later - there was no wrestling. There was no questioning. There was only adoration, thankfulness, and peace - oh sweet peace as I gave my Savior the praise I have come to know He deserves! There is something wonderful about getting older - it's maturity. It's living life enough for scripture to move from head knowledge to heart knowledge! I don't just "believe" the scripture now.  Now the scripture actually defines me! And because of that circumstances no longer define my view of God!

The second blast from the past song was "You Said". We sang that song over and over when we were leading the youth group 18 years ago in Cotton Center! These kids are now adults with families of their own. But we stood in that little country church declaring week after week that whatever we needed, God would provide because He said! We declared that we were asking for the souls of that small town to be turned to God - it's amazing how many of the kids who stood singing those songs with us now walk with the Lord and are teaching their children about Him! Makes my heart smile.

As I was reminiscing on those things, Ava turns and wraps her arms around me to the point that I have to turn to face her so that we are in a full bear hug. She pulls her head back, looks up at me and says, "This is so comfy and safe." I tell her I am so glad through the lump forming in my throat. She lays her head back on my chest and we sway for a few more measures of the song before she pulls her head back again and says, "This is what heaven is like!"

The dam broke. I stood with tears rolling down my cheeks falling into her hair as we held each other swaying to the rest of the song. I wondered just what God was whispering to her - but it felt too sacred to ask. I stood praising Him for encouraging her with His presence and taking away all the fear she may have about her future, and at the same time I stood in awe that He once again was using Ava herself to bring me comfort and peace for the journey. She had nothing but pure joy, peace, excitement on her face as she thought about her home where she will be sooner than any of us had anticipated. There was no fear. No anxiety. No worry. That my friends is the work of an almighty, trustworthy, dependable, faithful, loving, amazing Heavenly Father!

I am quite certain Ava in that moment was living out what Paul describes to us in 2 Corinthians 5:

We are convinced that even if these bodies we live in are folded up at death like tents, we will still have a God-built home that no human hands have built, which will last forever in the heavenly realm.  We inwardly sigh^[a] as we live in these physical “tents,” longing to put on a new body for our life in heaven, … So, while living in this “tent,” we groan under its burden, not because we want to die but because we want these new bodies. We crave for all that is mortal to be swallowed up by eternal life. And this is no empty hope, for God himself is the one who has prepared us for this wonderful destiny. And to confirm this promise, he has given us the Holy Spirit, like an engagement ring, as a guarantee.

That’s why we’re always full of courage. Even while we’re at home in the body, we’re homesick to be with the Master— for we live by faith, not by what we see with our eyes.  We live with a joyful confidence, yet at the same time we take delight in the thought of leaving our bodies behind to be at home with the Lord.  So whether we live or die^] we make it our life’s passion to live our lives pleasing to him.

An Amen to Remember

I have entered the world of the ink'd ones!

I have been contemplating getting a tattoo for awhile - but wasn't quite ready. But then I learned about starting with amen.

In two short months, John and I will celebrate 21 years of marriage! Because of what we both do professionally, and what our family looks like and stands for, we often are told how people admire us as a couple. I cringe inside just a tad when they do. I want to sit down with them over a cup of coffee and tell them our story.

Anyone who knows me, know transparency is something I strive for. But I also try to balance that with throwing my pearls before swine and constantly being a drama queen as our life has so much drama. And I also understand that my story intersects others' stories. I try to share of mine what I can without invading theirs.

For that reason, I have not shared much about John and my marriage. I hope some day soon we can share our entire testimony! It is a God story for sure! But for now, I am going to have to be a little vague. I know when being vague the mind wonders to the worst case scenario. So I want to say as I share without details that there has never been any type of affair in our marriage. We have struggled with some hard subjects and baggage, but never have either of us gone outside our marriage. I want that stated up front so those reading have that understanding going into it.

We have walked through so much the last eight years. Really our entire 20 years of marriage, but a lot of really hard stuff the last eight. I actually started listing some of it, and the list made this paragraph a novel - so I replaced it with hard. We will leave it at that.

Either one of us could have left, but we didn't. The stress that we walked through in our lives was enough to drive a wedge between any couple. At times it did. At times it made us cling to each other. But through it all there were some underlying issues that we have battled for 20 years. And I was tired.

I think probably it was my midlife crisis. For some reason 44 hit me hard. I did a lot of reflecting. I don't know if it was having a high school graduate. I don't know if it was finding myself getting settled into a home that I absolutely love on land that is my piece of heaven on earth. Or maybe it was just the first time in a few years where there was enough space to breath, and I realized I had a lot of regrets.

I spent a lot of time reflecting on the things in life that just left me wishing I had done something different. Self reflection is a good thing, I believe, as it helps you not repeat the mistakes of your past in your future. However, I also know the enemy can use self reflection to bring shame, anger, and bitterness back up to bite us in the ….well, you get the picture!

The only person I found myself truly angry with was me. Maybe that is because I learned a long time ago that the only person I can control is me. So as I reflected, I was mad at myself for not doing some things differently that would mean I was at a different place in some areas of my life - and my marriage was one of them.

I was also struggling with just the constant demands of my life - 8 children at home, two with some significant behavior issues, one with significant health issues (we had no idea at this point that Ava's was degenerative or terminal), and operating a ministry that found me constantly having to battle systems to get what was best for kids. My stress level was through the roof. I did not see any end in site. So I ran away.

I have written about that time before. I took a week and went on a work trip and then to help my parents pack. I did not tell anyone, but I was not sure when I returned if I was going to come back refreshed or resolute. I wasn't sure if I was coming home to work on my marriage or coming home to pack my bags.  I wasn't sure if I was really willing to work on my marriage anymore. I left seeking God's face and His voice. It was all I knew to cling to at that time. - not a bad place to place your grip by the way!

Over that week as I cried out to God He revealed much to me - about Him and about me! He promises that when we seek Him we will find Him. And find Him I did.

After all my whining, deliberating, justifying, surrendering, crying, and listening, God told me - make a choice and do it! You see I had said with my mouth I was committed and wanted to stay and fight, but in reality I had a crack in the door so that if things did not change, I could open it and walk out. God was asking me to shut the door - or to open it and walk out.

What I am about to say could be controversial. I am going to do my best to communicate it very clearly and theologically sound. So let me start by saying God hates divorce - let me pause to say there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus! So if you are reading this and are divorced, do not let the enemy use this to place shame on your for divorce! I think you will understand as you continue to read - Truth is Truth. Malachi 2:16 says, "I hate divorce, says the Lord." Not much gray area there. He is not a fan of divorce.

However, as I wrestled with God that week, He assured me I had his permission to leave my marriage. Hang with me to the end - remember, I know God hates divorce!

My marriage had not been operating as God intended for many years - if ever really. Our marriage looked nothing like the one described in Ephesians 5. For my part, I would swing my pendulum from submissive (read door mat - not submissive in the Biblical definition) wife to demanding my needs be met. Neither of those are Biblical or work well in a marriage.

As I reflected on 20 years of marriage that has been full of heart ache and frustrations (on both of our parts), God told me I could leave. He would not stop me. I would walk out. HOWEVER - he was NOT blessing my leaving! You see there is a difference! There are many things of this world that breaks God's heart. And there are some things in my marriage that breaks God's heart. He shared my hurt with me in those things - so He understood my wanting to leave. Me leaving would be a sin. I had no Biblical reason for divorce. But many aspects of how our marriage was operating was also a sin. Any sin outside of denying Christ is forgivable. Me walking out was forgivable, however, like all sin, it would take me outside the blessing of God. That was enough to give me pause and make me want to consider my options a little more. But God was clear - I was to go home with my decision made  - trust Him and commit to my marriage no matter what or leave and face whatever that meant. But get off the fence! Make a decision and do it.

I had been to a conference earlier in the summer and heard a woman by the name of Beth Guckenberger speak.  She is a foster and adoptive mother, she and her husband had been missionaries in Mexico, and they worked in orphan care ministry. She told her story to point to God. I related to her in many ways. So I bought her book. I had taken it with me to read the week I was gone. The book is titled Start with Amen.

As I struggled through whether to commit to my marriage or commit to leaving, I read these words by Beth:


Amen is the verbal equivalent of hands raised. It can be translated as "So be it" or paraphrased as "It is as you say." It's more than our modern understanding of "uncle" or "I give up." It is surrender in a spirit of "It's up to you[God]; you [God] do it," and ""I made the promise, but only you [God] can fulfill it." So I whisper, You sell the house. You move her heart. You heal that body. You open the door. You  provide. You go before them. Amen. So be it. In your time. I trust. I surrender. Amen. 

And this one word reorients me, calibrating me with a God whose covenant he will never break. … 

That's what I'm looking for: a spiritual confidence that supersedes circumstances, a peace that passes understanding. 

As soon as I read those words, my soul cried out AMEN! So be it! I knew my decision was made. And I knew I would have to find a way to press in harder than ever before to God - to the heavenly perspective of life. I would have to lay down my desires. I would have to lay down my rights. I might even have to lay down a dream or two. But I shut the door. I made the decision that I would go back and pursue my marriage with all I had in me and all God is in me.

I looked into getting the tattoo even before coming home - but in the middle of summer with a new pool, I knew my kids would not be happy if I could not swim with them for three weeks - so I decided to come home with the commitment in my heart and the plan in my mind.

I told John about my week and all God had revealed. I told him I wanted to get the tattoo as a reminder that I am all in! It's kind of like my second wedding ring - it's a commitment to choose God over anything I "feel" in my marriage. It's a commitment to trust God with the outcome.

So tonight, I got my first ink! A permanent reminder to trust God and start my thoughts, prayers, and decisions about my marriage - and a lot of other things in life also!- with "so be it" then let God write the rest....

Never Have I Been More Thankful for Trials

As we have walked the past few weeks processing the news that Ava is losing brain mass and are waiting on an official diagnosis of a terminal illness, I have found many things to be thankful for.

First, I am thankful for my large family! We told our oldest three the day we learned of the news. The way they responded blessed me beyond words! I knew that if no one else in the entire world walked with us, we would be ok because we had each other. With the roads we have walked the past 4 years, being able to rest in that was truly miraculous and a precious gift from God!

I am also thankful for the amazing community of Decatur. I immediately knew that we would not walk this alone. We have close friends all the way to acquaintances who we know would do anything we asked in a time of need. Ava has a class of friends who genuinely love her! With her struggles, it would be so easy to cast her aside as a social misfit and real pain in the you know what! But instead they respond with grace, understanding, and love! Even to the boys she messages and even texts sometimes relentlessly telling them she has a crush on them - they respond with appropriate, loving answers! I don't take that for granted!

I am thankful God placed it on my parents' hear to move close to us! We live closer now than we have in 18 years! They will be an invaluable support emotionally as well as in day to day life in the coming months and years! I am so thankful for them!

I have been asking for a full brain MRI for years only to be told there is no need. The one done in 2009 didn't show anything, so a new one would not be useful. At first when we found out it would have in fact shown something, I was angry they had not done one when I asked. But immediately, God answered my anger with "would you really have wanted to know all this time?!" And the answer to that is a resounding NO! I am so thankful for the years of wonderful bliss we have lived in not knowing what the future held and just enjoying our sweet girl for the amazing creation of God that she is!

But truly what I am most thankful for are the trials that have brought me to this point in my life! I remember as a young adult and fairly immature Christian reading in James 1 where I was supposed to consider it pure joy to face trials of many kinds. What?! I should be happy things are hard?! The scripture explains itself: "because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  I can remember a season where I begged God for relief from lessons. I actually told him I did not want to mature anymore for awhile! I am so thankful he did not give me what I asked for!

When we taught youth in Cotton Center, I would tell them that God will never take you over a mountain before he takes you over the ant hill. I learned early in my walk with Him that He strengthened us bit by bit. If I would let him teach me in the trip over the ant hill, then I would take the trip over the mountain much more gracefully and peacefully.

As I have walked through one of the deepest valleys of my life - being told a child is dying - I have time and again thanked God for the Truths that are now part of the fabric of my belief system - they are who I am not just what I think.

When we miscarried our first baby in 1999, a woman of God who I very much admired shared that God was teaching me to let go of children. At the time my 25 year old self  was offended. But as I have lost so many children, that Word has come back to me time and time again. I now know it was actually a Word of peace. We lost our Hope to a miscarriage, we lost Addy to death before we ever met her yet we loved her as if we had raised her those three years of her life, we lost Eden to a failed adoption after I spent three weeks with her and bonded in a miraculous way only to have not seen her again in 13 years! We have even lost a child to the schemes of the enemy - for what we pray is temporary. I have said numerous times that I have lost children just about any way you can except through death while they lived with me. When we lost Hope in our miscarriage, the lesson I walked away from that I have been forever grateful for is that my children are not mine! The ones I birthed are not mine, the ones I have adopted are not mine, and the ones who call my house home are not mine - they are HIS! He entrusts them to me to raise and equip and train for Kingdom purposes, and it is my true honor to walk with each one of them in this life for that purpose!

But it is not just the loss of children that has prepared me for this moment. It is so many trials I have walked. Sitting alone with my thoughts and emotions the last few weeks, never once have I asked God "why?". For one, that has never really gone well for me! God has never really felt the need to explain himself to me in most cases when I ask that question - He is God, and I am not - that's why. But I have not even asked. Mainly because I trust Him. I fully trust Him.

Through the trials I have walked in my 44 years on this earth, his sovereignty is settled. I know this is not a surprise to Him. In fact, this is a result of Ava's genetic make up  - it is literally how He knit her together! He knows yesterday, today, and tomorrow - none of it is a surprise! Many might ask why that doesn't make me angry. Well, because God's love for me and His goodness have also been settled long ago in my spirit and soul. I have walked many trials that I could not explain and could not in the midst of it see any good. But those same trials now are spring boards into my calling and my ability to walk with others today. I know God loves me. God is good! He is not just good when the answer is what we want to hear, He is good no matter what! I know that. He has shown that to me over my lifetime. I don't question it. I believe it.

Because of these lessons and these Truths that are a part of my being now, my faith is truly a refuge! He is my Strong Tower that I can run to and be safe! I have spent many evenings just sitting, crying, asking God to "hold me". And He does. From the moment we received the news up until the typing of these words, I have had nothing but undeniable PEACE! I should be frantic, worried, anxious, fearful - and there are moments of that as the enemy tries to steal our joy and peace - but those moments are fleeting and are quickly replaced with supernatural, unexplained, oh so wonderful PEACE. It is the most precious gift my Heavenly Father has ever given me!

If you wonder if God is real, I can tell you without a doubt HE IS!!! How do I know? Because He has shown Himself faithful to me! He has answered me when I have cried out! He has comforted me when there was no comfort to be had from the things this world had to offer. He has filled me with joy and peace that surpasses all human understanding. But to get here, I had to yield to Him. I had to walk in obedience to Him. I had to let Him take the lead and trust Him for the outcome. Never have I ever been more thankful for the lessons I have learned as I walked with Him than I am today!

Our Ava: A new diagnosis. It's terminal.

I will warn you in advance – this is long!

These are the words I wrote when we found out a few weeks ago:

Many of you came to our house back in May to pray for healing for Ava’s scoliosis.  The Spirit of God was most definitely there and His presence was heavy. So when we went to the doctor, and the xray showed that there was still a curve I would be dishonest to say I wasn’t disappointed. But as always, God knew something I didn’t.

The doctor recommended an MRI. If she had been healed that day like we had all asked, the MRI would never have been ordered of her spine. What they found on that MRI has changed our lives.

When doing the MRI of the spine, they caught the base of the brain. They could see just enough to know that there was an abnormality in the base of the brain. They sent the MRI to her neurologist who ordered a full brain MRI based on what she saw there.

We went into the doctor appointment to get results knowing we would probably hear news that we were not wanting to hear. We figured we were going to learn that she had a brain malformation that was not caught on her first MRI when she was 3. We expected to have another “syndrome” diagnosis and perhaps a more concrete understanding of what is happening in her body.  What we were not prepared in any way for was the news we were about to receive.

Our amazing neurologist took us into a different room while the nurse colored with Ava – that’s your first clue the news is not going to be what you want to hear. In all our doctor appointments and test results, we have never had to leave Ava to go learn about the results! Dr. Acord pulled up the MRI and began showing us what she saw. It was obvious even to an untrained eye that things were not good. Then we heard the words, “Ava is losing brain mass. All those large white areas are where brain matter should be.” It’s like you hear people describe. You are trying desperately to stay engaged in the words coming out of the doctor’s mouth while your mind spins wildly around trying to process what you just heard. When giving news like this, doctors don’t skip right to outcomes or prognosis for obvious reasons. So I begged my mind to stay tuned in while Dr. Accord patiently and thoroughly explained all the possibilities of what we are seeing.

It became evident quickly that no matter what the next test results showed, our lives just changed forever! As you hear the word degenerative disease, you know what you thought had been your plateau of not seeing improvement is actually the top of the mountain, and you are about to roll down the other side hitting every tree and rock in your path. No one really knows what the decline will look like. Both options are extremely rare with one option having less than 100 cases diagnosed in the world! Again, we always knew Ava was special! We just keep finding out from science just how special she is!

The parts of her brain that are deteriorating affect speech, movement, motion, and intellectual ability. We don’t really know what the decline will look like, but most likely a wheelchair and possibly a feeding tube. But what we do know is the ultimate outcome without a miraculous healing from God – both diagnoses are terminal. Ava has a terminal illness.

The most aggressive of the possible illnesses has a life expectancy of 10-15 years. Her symptoms would indicate this is not the one she has – she has already almost surpassed that expectancy and is way too healthy for that to be the diagnosis and the disease to be progressing normally.

The second possibility will hold much fewer answers. It is the rarest possibility. Little is known. The oldest diagnosed patient is 29. Most do not make it past 20. There are less than 80 diagnosed cases worldwide.

I don’t think anything can ever prepare you to hear that your child has an incurable terminal illness. Even now as I have had time to process it, writing the words sends my emotions and thoughts swirling in a tornado of possibilities and feelings that have nowhere to land in the files of my mind. But even in the turmoil, there is peace – peace about the end. Letting Ava go does not scare me. It makes me sad. It brings tears to my eyes even as I write it. But there is no fear because I know the moment she takes her last breath in my arms, she will open her eyes to behold the Beauty of her Savior whom she adores! Ava has loved the Lord and expressed that love in the most childlike faith since she was old enough to raise her hands and sway to worship music with me while I put on my makeup in the mornings! I know there will be a party to match all parties when this saint comes home! I am simply jealous I will miss it! My spirit is truly at peace.

My soul however aches at every thought of the next few years. Not knowing what we were going to learn, I had planned to take Ava back to school shopping after the appointment. We made the decision to not tell Ava anything until we have a definite diagnosis and can answer questions she will have. Trying to help her process this will not be easy, and there is no need to start that until we know exactly what we are facing – at least the name of it! So I had to pull myself together very quickly in order to not appear upset – that stinker is VERY intuitive! After hearing your child has a terminal illness, the world looks different. I felt like my senses were on high alert. As we walked through the parking lot to go to Old Navy, Ava put her hand in mine as she so often does when walking in public. I immediately focused on what her hand felt like in mine. How her thin fingers wrapped tightly around my palm. How with every step of her awkward gait, she would put pressure on my hand to help keep her balance. I wanted to sear that feeling into my mind for eternity. I wanted to be able to remember that feeling so when it is only a memory, I can still “feel” it. But then quickly had to turn my mind to other things as the tears threatened to spill over.

Taking your child shopping after being told they have a terminal illness is probably not the best idea for the budget! Ava definitely got some things that day that normally would have been a no! Even as a I bought them I knew it couldn’t be a new way of life – there will have to be a balance between cherishing her like she is dying, but living as if she will live forever! I haven’t found that balance yet. I am not sure I will.

One thing I know, so many things in this world will never look the same again! I was putting away food and put the lid on the sour cream. I had to quickly find a room with no children because the flood gates opened – over sour cream! But Ava Claire LOVES sour cream! She eats it with a spoon when she can manage to do it without us knowing! Otherwise it is in a mound on her plate as she uses it as a dip – no dip mix, just sour cream! I will never be able to look at sour cream without thinking of my Ava – that will be both a blessing and a curse.

We do not have any idea what her decline will entail. Letting her go will be so much easier than watching her die. I have peace with letting her go, right now I only have fear about watching the decline. However, perfect love casts out all fear! I will be pressing into the One who provides perfect love to sustain me and provide what I need to love and care for Ava as well as all my other children as we walk out these next months and years together!

Today:

I know Ava has touched so many. We are committed to walking this journey well. We feel that is what God has asked of us. I will share more in the days and weeks ahead.

For now, only Ava through Paizley know of the issue. Our youngest do not. We will be telling them in the days ahead. Ava in Ava fashion has taken it all with a smile on her face! We assured her God would walk with her through this as well as family and friends. We read Psalm 23 in the Passion Translation with her as she raised her hand to receive what God had for her – if you haven’t read it in that translation, I would encourage you to! It is encouraging for any valley you might be walking through! Thank you for loving our Ava with us – we covet your prayers as we walk this road. It is one no parent ever imagines having to take!

I Didn't Choose It

I have had several people lately mention in conversation that John and I chose this life. I don't know if it's arrogance wanting credit for all that we do in our home that few people understand or know, or if it's my frustration that more people are not "choosing" it, but the comment always rubs me the wrong way. So much so that the last time someone mentioned it, I actually stopped them and corrected them.

If by "choose" you mean we said yes when God asked us to jump, then I can agree we chose this life! But as a Christ follower who believes we have a different reality and set of rules than those who are not Christ followers, I've never really considered obedience to God a choice! I mean I have had my struggles where I didn't follow Him - I am a sinner in need of his grace DAILY if not HOURLY! But I have always been extremely convicted even when I didn't understand at all kingdom living on earth that doing what God asked me to do was the best choice for me. Galatians 5:13 puts it like this, "You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh ; rather, serve one another humbly in love." (NIV)

However, the way our "choice" usually comes up in conversation is when someone is talking about the stress we endure or the chaos we manage. That is the definition of choice that makes me want to scream from a rooftop - I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS LIFE!

John most recently said it best. When we took on the responsibility of being parents to 9 individual children-10 now if you count the 17 year old living with us this year - we did choose to take on the spiritual responsibility, the financial responsibility, the demands of raising these humans to adulthood and supporting them until death. However, when we said yes to a number of our children, we had NO IDEA what the future looked like!

Let me stop here and be very clear, this is not a post of regret about saying yes to ANY of my children!  I love each and every one of them! I know God placed them in my home, and I am honored and blessed to be their mom! There are no regrets to saying yes! This is not a post to get sympathy or 'at-a-boys' from anyone.  It's simply a post of awareness for those of us raising kids who have struggles we didn't know they would have. It's a post of education to what NOT to say to families who are struggling with behaviors rooted in what happened to children BEFORE they came into the family. It's a post to ask if this is a choice, then why are more not choosing it who say Jesus is their Lord?

Back to saying yes - I have a biological daughter who many would say I "chose" to birth - because many would have ended her life in utero due to her genetic malformation. Did I choose to give her life? You bet I did! Would I choose to do it again? One THOUSAND times INFINITY I would! Would I choose for my daughter to have a special needs child? NO!

Many of my kids came to me as babies - newborns. Just like with Ava, there was no way to know the future. I held perfect little babies! They met all their milestones, they grew and loved and attached and were just my babies. Did I choose to adopt a healthy baby who might have some learning disabilities because of choices their birth mothers made during pregnancy? Yes! Did I choose to have mental hospital stays? Did I choose to have daily trips to the school to calm a child wrecked by anxiety and unable to manage it well? Did I choose to bare scars from meltdowns that resulted in scratches? Did I choose to hear "you're not my mom" multiple times as children process their own loss and grief? NO!

Raising children with trauma, saying yes when God asked us, does not mean we chose the life you see us live today! It does mean that we are committed to parenting our children for a lifetime! It does mean that we trust God knew our today when we said yes yesterday - and we trust Him to hold our tomorrow! It does mean that we have to daily rely on Him to fill us up in order to just pour into our family - with the hope of one day being able to minister outside our family more.

So please, before you look at a family like ours - or anyone in a situation that may be more than they said "yes" to - and think we chose this, please reconsider! And while you are at it, would you consider a yes to a life that may be more than you bargained for? There are nearly 7,000 children in Texas who need someone to say yes to them for forever - and many more who need a temporary yes while their parents get their feet back on the ground! I can promise you it will be more than you thought you said yes to - but not all that "more" is a bad thing! We have more love, more grace, more laughing, and more compassion than I ever could have imagined raising in the family we would have had if we had not said yes!

Confessions of a Weary Mom

So my original title to this blog was "Confessions of a Bad Mom", but a wise friend recently reminded me of the power of words! So I changed it to confessions of a weary mom. While "bad mom" is not who I am, weariness has caused me to act as a bad mom! 

I ran away this week. I mean, I went to help my parents pack and kick off a new program in San Angelo, but really, I ran away. I needed a break. I never understood women who left their husband and children - until the last few years.  

This is a very raw and transparent post. I share because I believe there are SO MANY of us bad  weary moms out there! Especially the tribe of moms with children from hard places or children with special needs - and especially those of us with all the above! I share because I want you to know you are not alone! I share because I think we need to talk more about what happens behind our closed doors. I desperately want to protect my children's stories - but the fact is, their stories intersect mine! I will attempt to walk that thin line here, please give me some grace if I overstep. I also want you to know this is NOT a post written after I have it all together and am sharing from a new perspective. I am sharing from the pit - but I am clawing at the sides determined to get out - and I want to take any other moms in the pit with me! 

In the last three months, I have had a child pack their bags to move out because being respectful was too much to ask, I have had a child tell me our family "sucks" and they want a new one, I have scars on my arm from a child's meltdown that left me bleeding (other family members and a few educators wear similar marks from the same types of meltdowns), I have been told I put other orphans before my own children, I have listened as a new diagnosis is explored for one child – a diagnosis that could possibly have occurred because of medicine I was prescribed during pregnancy, I have been told my sacrifice to be a stay home mom in early years as well as pouring my life into another human means nothing, I have heard words in my home that I never dreamed would be said. I have cried, I have screamed, I have walked away, I have planned my own death, I have run away. I don't share this for pitty or to get a "you're not a bad mom" response. I share because too often we put on a smile and walk around like all is well - while the mom we meet in the grocery store does the same thing. But actually we are both weary and dying in side. I share because I want that mom to know she is not alone - and if you are ready to do the work to climb out of the pit, I want to help you while you help me! I am not interested in sitting in the pit and complaining about it, or sitting in the pit and feeling sorry for myself. I have tried both - and they don't work! 

So let's start climbing!

I ran away this week because I needed a break! I didn't "want" a break, I "needed" a break! My physical body and frayed emotions could no longer respond in a loving and nurturing way to my family. There are many dynamics happening in our family. Many that I will never share in a forum such as this. Any one of the dynamics would probably have been manageable, but when you add all that is happening together, it became my perfect storm. 

Let me pause here to say, if you are meeting me for the first time through this post, I LOVE my children!! I have 9 beautiful creations of God that He has entrusted to me to nurture, disciple, and raise into warriors for Him! While some of their choices of actions and words did give me small pushes into the pit, the real issue here is me. I am the adult. So if my home is not running in a way that I can live there in a healthy manner, I have to look at myself first. And the Truth is that God would not give me these children if He was not equipping me to parent them and give them all they need! None are here by mistake or accident. They are all mine by His design!

Therefore, this week has been lots of pressing into God, stilling myself to listen, lots of self-reflecting. I know that I do not like the mom I was when I left last week. It is not the mom that I want to be! That left me wondering – how did I get here? It didn’t happen overnight. It was a slow process of demands and stress that slowly but surely swallowed the moments of joy being a mom has always brought me. The needs of my children, the struggles they have because of no fault of their own, the pull of walking other families through the same struggles – all of it had left me anxious, irritable, depressed, on edge….and empty. Oh so empty.

About 4 years ago I realized I was headed down this path. I had always heard “self-care” and thought “selfish”.  But after being stuck in the house with 8 children, 4 of whom were 3 and under, I realized “self-care” is actually read “survival”! I had to find ways to rejuvenate myself. I had to find ways to pour back into myself. My husband was running on empty too! He couldn’t be my pourer – and no one can pour out of an empty cup! I had to find a way to fill mine!

I began allowing myself to take 15 minutes to take a bubble bath, or an hour to get a pedicure, or even just allowing myself to go to the grocery store without any kids to have a mental break from the “MOM!!!!!” that I heard multiple times every 60 seconds. But it just was not enough. The output was still more than the input. I was maxed out, and my emotional and physical bank accounts were becoming more and more overdrawn – taking more and more to even bring them up to zero.

Being an introvert (one who refuels by being alone) in a house of 10 people with 8 of them being children (well 7 – my 18 year old adult child would be very miffed I did not note her adult status!) means there is very little opportunity to refuel. That has to change. That means getting up early enough to have a quiet house to start my day. It also means more structure – a scheduled day for the summer; and with more structure has to come more nurture because the balance must stay the same. For a mom who does not do structure well naturally, that at first sounds like more demands – but I have watched enough moms that I admire to know that structure is a good – no GREAT thing for larger families!

So that’s my one thing I am implanting as I return to my home! I will make myself rise before the sun to insure I have quiet time to refuel and be ready to love my children – and my husband! ;) I will find a schedule that works for us – all of us!

If you could hear yourself in this post – the weariness, the despair of what is happening in your home, can I ask you to think of just ONE thing you can do this week? What one thing could you implement to give you some rest, to pour into your tank?

·       Hire a housekeeper

·       Implement an hour of rest time each day – include yourself in that time!

·       Go for a walk while your husband and kids clean up dinner dishes

·       Set aside 30 minutes a day to read that book that’s been sitting on your nightstand

·       Find some fun stickers to use when scheduling your week! (another confession – I have a horrible addiction to office supplies, and the calendar stickers make me very happy!)

·       meal plan and try out the online grocery shopping if you have not already

Find one thing to help YOU this week! Remember self-care is not selfish, it is survival! And Mommas, we are not just going to survive, we are going to LIVE! Who is with me?! Let’s get out of this pit!

I would love to hear from you and how are climbing out of the pit! You can get in touch with me on Twitter @HPetree or Instagram blessedtimes9.

God Sacrificed His Son, Why Shouldn't I?

I am often asked when talking about older child adoption, "How will adoptiong affect my kids?" or "I don't know if we are ready to do this because it may be too difficult for my children."

I get it! Really, I do! I can promise you, adopting WILL affect your kids! It will expose them to things they probably were never exposed to before - and probably won't be for a long time if you don't adopt.

As a parent of 9 children, I often remind myself that the challenges of raising a large family with children who have special needs pale in comparison to dying on the cross. I know. That sounds dramatic! But really, John and I have for years reminded each other that we have not yet anguished to the point of sweating blood (Luke 22:44). Since Jesus did that for us, we really can't complain about the path He has asked us to take. I mean really, can raising my adorable children really be compared to that...

But a perspective I had not really considered about the cross vs adopting is the fact that Jesus is God's Son. Hang with me a minute...I KNOW Jesus is God's son! But when I think about how adoption (or really any act of obedience that has cost your children something - going into the mission field, making a move in order to follow a call, etc) has affected the children already in my home, I have to ask myself, "If God was willing to sacrifice His Son on the cross for me, why should I not be willing to sacrifice my child for Him?" Now before you completely write me off - I am not suggesting that you put your child on an alter or hang them on a cross! But I am asking where we got the theology that God would never ask us to do something that would make our children uncomfortable! Where in scripture does it say that we should wait until our children are out of the house to follow God's commands because they just might not be able to handle it? Who made your children? Do you not think when God knit them together, He had this in mind for them?

I am not suggesting that we don't take seriously our job as parents to protect the ones God has already entrusted to us! But I am challenging the Americanized religious answer to hard things that would require our children to be uncomfortable - even in their own home - in order to be obedient to God's calling and to serve another human who doesn't have what your child does - a family! I am asking you if you are hiding from obedience behind your child?

I recently had a conversation with one of my children about another child. Child A was complaining about how inconvenient Child B is to have in the family. I quickly reminded Child A that Child B struggles with some things due to Child B's beginning before Child B came to live with us! I reminded Child A that Child A did NOTHING to deserve being born into a family with a loving mother and father, a healthy home with everything needed to provide safety, love, and connection. And Child B did nothing to deserve being born into a family who was unable to provide the necessary ingredients for a healthy start! It is only by God's grace those of us with a happy beginning have a happy beginning! We didn't earn it any more than those with a rough start deserve theirs!

If you have felt God tugging at you to adopt, go into missions, move across the country, or anything else that you think would "damage" your children, can I encourage you to revisit it? Ask God again what He desires for you to do - even if it looks like something that will require you to "sacrifice" your children. Can I ask you to trust God with your children and say YES to what He is calling you to?! After all, He said YES to you when He sacrificed His Son for you! If God asked that of His own son - don't you think He might just be asking that of yours too? Just some food for thought....

An Open Letter to the Parents of My Child's Classmates

This is a message sent out after school today in one of my children's classes. Before you read any further in this post, stop and think, "What would I think if this note came home from my child's class?" I know the me of five years ago probably would have wanted to know what in the world was happening in that class. How did a teacher get scratched? Why do you feel the need to assure me my child was safe? Are they really safe?

But today when I read it, I just cried....it was my child. My child put the scratch on the teacher. As I read what the school sent out, my heart broke. Let me stop here and say that we have worked hard to get where we are - but we now have an amazing team of educators working with us for our child. I understand why they had to send a message - well, my head understands it, but my heart really just wants to yell at somebody! If I could have followed that message sent out to the parents by the school with my own message, it would go something like this:

Dear Parents,

It was my child. My child put the scratch on our teacher's face. She is just as horrified as you are! I wish you could have seen how she cried when she realized she had hurt the teacher she dearly loves. I wish you could have seen how brave she was as she sat in a room with a mental health crisis worker, a behavioral specialist, her principal, her teacher, her teacher's aid, and the special programs director as she told her side of the story. I wish you could have felt her heart racing, seen the look in her eyes as she apologized to all she hurt in her meltdown. I wish you could have heard how detailed she spoke about what is happening in her mind and body when her body takes over and her mind shuts down because of fear, sadness, and anxiety! I wish you could hear her tell the mental health crisis worker how she wants to sing "What  Beautiful Name" when she starts getting anxious to calm herself down, but sometimes she doesn't remember to. She shared that she wants to sing on stage some day - I wish you could hear her BIG, BEAUTIFUL voice! Did any of you notice last week that she stood on the top row, the ENTIRE music program and sang, and did motions?! Did you know how hard she worked in the days leading up to that moment to convince herself she could in fact do that?! While you were snapping pictures with your child's friends to document all their cute Seuss hair, we were congratulating our daughter on staying on the stage! Celebrating big just how brave she is! Alone, no friends coming to take pictures with her, but BRAVE! Thank you to the mom who did ask at the end if she wanted to take a picture with her daughter. I don't know who you are, but you made this momma's night!

I wish you could get to know my child! I wish you could see the light that shines in her eyes when she feels safe! I wish you could see how she loves to give big hugs when she feels safe - even though your child has probably told you she hits, and screams, and bites when someone touches her. I wish you knew that only happens when her trauma kicks in and she has little to no control over her actions because her natural instinct to protect herself takes over. I wish you knew just how much she loves Jesus and wants to be like Him!

I have heard the whispers. I see the stares as we walk down the hall after an incident. I have had my friends tell me over coffee or lunch that their friend talked about the girl in their child's class who acts so badly - not knowing that their friend is my friend - the mom of that terrible child. I have heard my friends tell me how they have defended us as a family and assured their other friends that we are loving parents despite what so many assume about us based on our daughter's behaviors. I have even sat across tables from some of you as you made comments about my daughter  while looking me in the eye.

I wish you could walk in my shoes for just one day. I wish you could love a child with all your heart who struggles just to make it through daily life because of no fault of her own - or of yours! I wish you could sit as a mom beside your child as they realize the horrors they have caused and are heart broken because of it. I wish you could hold my child while she cries because she knows no one wants to come to her house for a sleep over because she scratched her teacher in a bodily response she couldn't control. I wish you understood.

My daughter is kind, brave, beautiful, compassionate, brilliant, artistic, musical, strong, loving - and a victim of early childhood trauma. Please look beyond the latter to see the real her. And please encourage your children to do the same.

Sincerely,
One Proud & Heart Broken Momma

It Comes in Floods - Grief of a Special Needs Parent

I have talked before about how the being a special needs parent has left me in a puddle of grief at unexpected times. This morning is no different. I am sitting here at my office covered in reports needing to be completed, but now unable to do them due to the tears continually flowing - blurring the screen and watering the documentation needed for the reports!

It was a simple phone call from one of my favorite school employees. She loves our kids, she is a cheerleader for us and a champion of all! But this morning, her words hit me like a sucker punch to the gut - "when we meet about Ava's schedule for next year, do you and John want to talk about putting her in some life skills classes?" It's a simple question, right? And we have talked about it many times - I know the answer. Yet saying it out loud feels like a betrayal, or maybe just another bubble of denial busted right open! I don't think I live in denial - but moments like this teach me that I still hold onto hope against hope that in the end, it will all be ok. And it will - just not the "ok" you dream of when you hold your perfectly healthy baby girl.

 I was talking to a friend just this week about how blessed we are by Ava. How thankful we are for her sweet spirit, contagious laughter, and determination! It makes me feel guilty about feeling guilty - she will love life no matter what it brings!

We want her to be the best Ava she can be, and fulfill all God's purposes for her in this life! So that answer is "yes"! We will put her in life skills classes for some of the day in order to begin the preparation for adult living - something that for her, we truthfully have no idea what will look like!

The grief this morning brought will pass - I will reconcile again that despite what our expectation of "normal" is, Ava Claire is fearfully and wonderfully made, and we know this full well!

For anyone who thinks I have it all together....

This is a post I have wanted to write for months....but for much of that time, I wouldn't have been able to collect the thoughts darting through my mind enough to communicate my point. Then fear kept me from writing it for awhile. However, I was reminded this week that the Word says we have overcome by the Blood of the Lamb AND the word of our testimony - I am not where I want to be, but I am not where I was either. Praise God! I was also encouraged to be transparent by two women of God - Lisa Terkeurst and my daughter CallieAnn - who shared their stories boldly, so I am sharing mine as well.

I don't share for sympathy or pity. I don't share to complain - although some of this will sound like toddler whininess I am sure! I share because twice in one week I had two different people say something along the lines of "I don't know how you do it! You are so put together!" Both times my immediate thought was, "If you only knew!" It wasn't that I was hiding things to put on a show. I wasn't sharing all that was going on because I was literally just trying to survive. I only share now because I truly desire to live a transparent life that glorifies my God. I share now because I have no doubt that I have friends who are walking the same path I was...and I want them to know they are NOT alone! I want them to know there is help. I want them to know they don't have to keep walking that path. For my fellow humans struggling with depression, you are not alone!

I woke up every morning with a heaviness and despair that would plague me util I went to bed that night. I would take about 30-45 minutes to talk myself out of bed - I still had to be mom and wife and adoption worker. I would go through the day trying my best to be everything everyone needed me to be. Then I would lay down to the only peace I had throughout the day - sleep.

I  am not sure when it started. I have battled this giant before in my life. I had pretty significant postpartum depression. I was actually in the process of weaning off the medicine when I found out I was pregnant with Journey. So for almost 4 years, I took medicine. When everything with Liberia happened, I battled depression again. It was different that time, though. I knew that was spiritual. I was able to battle back through spiritual warfare and get out of that pit that the enemy wanted to leave me in to kill my life's calling to be a voice and advocate for the orphaned. So I have personally know depression that is physical and depression that is spiritual.

One year ago, we heard God tell us to move. As we walked that out in obedience, we kept hearing that we were going to our Promised Land. How is depression part of my promised land? In short, it's not!

The actual move was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life...the loan for the people buying our house fell through, we were already packed with movers coming in less than a week! We helped them get another loan through a friend, but that set all the timelines off. So the first day of school, we moved into John's parents house for a week while the entire contents of our home was moved in to the garage of our new house. We would then embark on a three month complete gut of our new home that would include moving into the home, moving out to John's parents, moving back into the home, moving all 10 of us into the living room, moving back into John's parents, then moving into just the upstairs before finally being able to move everyone to their bedrooms and our living room furniture in! While doing this we had two kids start a new daycare, one kid start homeschooling, five kids start new schools, one of whom had such severe anxiety that I was making one to two trips a day to the school to help calm this one, one kid had an emergency appendectomy and one kid with a week long hospital stay that included another three weeks of maintenance care to ensure all meds were working and all was well. And that was just in the first 5 weeks of the remodel!

I knew I was stressed. I knew there were moments when it felt like I almost had to leave my body (not literally - but that's the only way I can explain with words the feeling I had of how much I had to disconnect on a daily bases emotionally to simply make it through the day without losing "it" - not really sure what "it" was, but I certainly feared losing it!) - so I felt like I had to leave my body to work in the circumstances I found myself in while also trying to meet the needs of all those dependent on me to be the emotional anchor as we made the move. I knew things were worse than I cared to admit when I started noticing that when my phone would ring with John's ringtone, my heart would start racing, and I would start to sweat. I was having panic attacks, but had no idea that's what they were. I just knew I had to hold "it" together - and part of that "it" was my family! But even though I knew things were tough and I wasn't handling it as well as I wanted to, I felt like much of it was circumstantial. I would tell myself, "I know it's bad, but when we get done moving, it will be ok." But then another crisis or stressor would enter my world. Again, I would say, "I know it's bad, but when we get through football, it will be better." And on and on....

I finally made the call to get on medication when twice I stressed out enough over circumstances that I had to call John to intervene. I knew I had made the right decision when one week after going on medication, for the first time in nearly 20 years of marriage, I had to tell John he couldn't travel for a work trip because I could not take care of things at home alone. I had reached the point where getting out of bed and doing my job was the most I had in me. One of the wake-up calls came when out of the blue, one of my younger kids asked, "Mom, do you like being a mother?!" I knew then something had to change...

For those who know me, they know this we the bottom of defeat for me. I am a strong woman - remember, everyone looks at me and says, "How do you do all that?" But the tower had crumbed. I was worn out. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. And also spiritually. My blood pressure which as been low all my life shot up to near stroke levels. Something in my body was definitely not ok.

I know there is stigma about medicine for depression at times, but I am here to tell you, when your body chemistry is off because of constant stress or other factors, medicine may just be needed! I love what Kris Vallatton says all the time about spiritual warfare and depression. He talks of the time that he had a breakdown and how he had to take medicine for a time to get his mind to where it needed to be to even be able to fight what needed to be fought on the spiritual side. That was exactly where I was!

I have been on medicine for almost 2 months now. It has helped me drastically - but as we all know there is no pill to fix everything! God is teaching me a new and deeper dependence on Him as I walk out of this valley of death. I have learned attributes of God's character in this pit that I would not have learned on a mountain top! Do I think God made me depressed?! Absolutely not! My God is a faithful, loving, gracious Father who wants me whole - mind, body and soul! But He did allow it - and He will use it for His glory and to shape and mold me into more of His reflection. He has taught me to fight on a new level on the spiritual battlefield. I still have days when the anxiety overtakes me. But I am able to fight back. The enemy wants to steal my joy - to steal the plans God has for me. My job is to stay plugged into the Source of Joy, Life, and Love so that I can fight back on the days the medicine isn't enough to overcome the circumstances that push in and threaten to take me under. Those are the days I have to fight even harder to keep my eyes on Jesus so I don't sink! Those are the days I have to remind myself many times a day - sometimes many times an hour- that my God is bigger than ANY problem I face! And I have good news for you too! He is bigger than any problem YOU face also! Greater is He that is in me (and you if you have accepted Him as your Lord) than he that is in the world! I've read the end of the book - We Win! Someone needs to hear that! You are not alone! And you WILL overcome if you will connect with the One whose blood shed for our sins overcame the power of darkness in this world, and will share your testimony! Reach out to someone close to you! Don't let satan shame you with what he gave you! Find a friend to confide in - and allow them to walk with you - right. out. of. the. valley!

You are not alone.....

Our Ava...we have another diagnosis

It’s been over a month now, but still, it seems surreal. It still has not quite sunk in.

We completed a neuropsychological evaluation with Ava. We were hoping to gain more information on how to best help her be the best she can be. Much of what we learned we already knew. Some of what we learned was new information. And some of what we learned we knew, but we had been trying not to know.

The official diagnosis we have currently is Borderline Intellectual Functioning, but only because our Neuropsychologist is a “purist” – her words, not mine – and felt there were some scores in the functioning range that kept her form giving the Intellectually Disabled Diagnosis. She did note in her report as well as in our consult that she expects Ava’s scores to dip in the next few years as she gets older which means the ultimate diagnosis it Intellectually Disabled.

Borderline Intellectual Functioning

Intellectually Disabled

It really didn’t matter; the news was the same. We heard from someone’s mouth for the first time that they did not expect that Ava will ever be able to live on her own without support. And we were warned with what we have already known – we will have to protect Ava fiercely from those who might want to take advantage of her. We sat and talked about things that no mother of a 10 year old should ever have to think much less devise a plan.

I can’t say that we were totally blind sided. We knew it was a possibility. But hearing it. Seeing it in black and white. It took away our last bit of hope. Don’t get me wrong, with Jesus we always have Hope! It wasn’t that Hope that we lost. It was the hope that the things we saw were just delays. It was the hope that we would go in and they would tell us “It’s all going to be ok.” It was the hope that they would say, “She may have some delays, but she will function on an independent level at some point.” Those were the hopes that were gone.

I wanted to write about it then…when it happened. But I knew I would short circuit my computer with the tears that refused to be contained. I would hold it together until the last child was dropped off for school. Then the damn would break and the tears would flow. I would cry until I didn’t think I could cry anymore….then it would start again. I would text John because I couldn’t call. He would never have been able to understand what I was trying to blubber. I would pull myself together before everyone came home…then start it all over the next day. That went on for about a week.

I struggled with struggling. I mean, anyone who knows Ava loves her! We couldn’t ask for a more wonderful daughter…how could I be so sad? There were some days that it was just a totally selfish grief that overwhelmed me. The thought that I will never be an empty nester. I mean we already knew we would be ancient by the time we got the kids raised, but there was that hope of 10 good years after that to travel, do missions, REST! But the new news meant I will never be able to go on a vacation without making sure someone is watching our Ava. I told you it was selfish….but it’s real.

I have settled in my innermost being that God is good. We have been through enough in our family that battle is won and settled. So I didn’t get angry at God. But I did wrestle some more with the fact that her disorder is in her DNA! It IS how she was knit together in my womb by God almighty! It means that how she is now is her fearfully and wonderfully made. It means that how she is now includes ALL she needs for the plans and purposes God has for her. So can I even pray for healing? Should I pray for healing? Does she need healing? I haven’t settled those yet.

I have two friends who have always inspired me on their special needs parenting journeys. I had no idea God had been preparing me for the journey myself…still sounds weird…special needs parent. One of these friends shared a post a couple weeks ago that summed up all I had been feeling perfectly! She called it “special needs parent grief”. She is WAY further down this path than me, and her daughter has challenges that require much more of her as a mom than my daughter ever will me – so to compare would be insane. But she spoke of how it hits you when you least expect it. We were in the van and everyone was talking about what they wanted to be. I hear Ava’s sweet voice blurt out, “I am going to be a doctor!” Before I even know it the tears are spilling over onto my cheeks, and I have to feign something in my eye to not upset the kids who notice the water works.

Then the Sunday after we got the news, I was bawling my way through worship. I look over where the kids stand, and I see this…

Ava fully engaged in worship! Eyes closed, hands open ready to receive, fully basking in the Glory of her Heavenly Father. And in that moment the first sense of peace I had since the news. I have no idea what Ava’s future holds, but as we have always said, I know Who holds her future! I have no idea what it means for me as a mother, but I know the One who promises to provide me with ALL I need to do ALL He has given me…and He gave me Ava!

Then at a night of worship we had, our youth pastor gave an amazing Word that he received for Ava. He shared how he saw her dancing in a field of flowers GRACEFULLY! That means the jerky motions are gone. The instability is gone. The dystonia is gone! Pastor Ben said he believes we will see her dance that way in the physical, that it was not just a spiritual grace!

So God continues to be faithful. He continues to provide encouragement and give us His Hope for our Ava….His Ava!

Now I have to have that conversation with myself several times a day some days….and some days I just get stuck in the sadness of it all. We are still working through it all. But one thing that has never changed….I am blessed to be that little girls mom! I am ready for many more adventures with Ava!

Are we protecting ourselves out of obedience?

CallieAnn, my 17 year old daughter, and I were driving to the Celebration of Life service for the mother of one of CallieAnn's friends. This isn't just "some" friend, but one of her closest friends. She is one of the ones that spent enough time at our house that I consider her an honorary daughter and not just a friend of CallieAnn's. CallieAnn was making fun of me as I bawled as I drove because she had just played the new Ed Sheeran song Supermarket Flowers. If you haven't hear it, go listen! But grab the kleenex first!

It got quiet as we both reflect on where we were headed. Than CallieAnn said, "You know, we sure have had a lot of tragedy in our family!" I kind of glanced at her and said, "No, we really haven't had much tragedy at all." I mean we haven't loss many people. John's and my grandparents are really the only deaths we have faced, and they died when most of our children were not yet born and those who had been were young. But as CallieAnn clarified what she meant, I realized it wasn't tragedy that she was talking about, but trauma. We haven't had a lot of tragedy, but we have had more than our fair share of trauma...chaos.

And her next question was, "Why?" And immediately I knew the answer was obedience.

We talked for a few minutes about how we have chosen a life of obedience that has meant life was not comfortable. It really made me think about how we truly have said yes to God in so many ways that meant some sort of trauma entered out home. It has changed my children. It has exposed them to things that I know many work to shelter their children from. I have struggled from time to time knowing that our choices have brought heartache and trauma to our children that they would have avoided had we just chosen the safe path versus the obedient path.

I see so many articles on social media by well-meaning Christians warning about the "dangers" of this and the "dangers" of that. But every time I read one of those I have to ask myself, are we as Christians, charged with protecting our families? Are we supposed to view our life experiences through a lense of protection? I really don't see that to be the example we were left with in how Christ walked out His life.

He walked with the ones no one else would walk with! His followers were imprisoned for the obedience they chose. CallieAnn's question just made me ponder if in America we have chosen to value comfort over obedience. When I meet Jesus face to face, I want to be hear that I said yes when He asked not that I chose the safe path...even if it means life is not comfortable.

God's Timing: A Lesson from a Tree

This is my favorite tree on our property. I was walking past it a couple weeks ago and saw that it had budded out. My immediate reaction was, "Oh no!!! It has budded too soon! We will have another freeze, and it will lose all these buds!" I would be extremely sad if this tree wasn't able to leaf out. As I stood contemplating the fate of my tree for this season, God whispered, "Timing is important! If you bloom too soon, the frost will get your buds." I think I laughed out loud! God knows how much I struggle with His timing, and like the good Father He is, He was taking advantage of this teachable moment.

We are on the verge of one of the largest growths in the agency we have had since we created it 12 years ago. How many times over the 12 years have I wondered if anything would really come of the agency? How many times did I wish it was "bigger" because I felt like what I was doing was insignificant or worthless? All of those moments came flashing back as times I thought I was ready to bust out my blooms, but God knew if I were to do that, a freeze was waiting to take it all away!

I smiled, thankful for the gentle reminder of the lesson of waiting on God's timing that I had learned from those experiences. I started to walk off. Silly me! I have walked with God long enough to know, if He started this conversation, there was problem more than just a fun reminiscing of lessons learned. There was a Truth for today.

Just a few days earlier, a friend had shared a prophecy warning of holding an umbrella over dry, cracked ground that was thirsty for the rain God was sending. The message was to allow the rain that God was sending to saturate the dry ground. I had been tossing that around praying through what it meant. As I started to walk off from the tree, God brought some clarity. He reminded me that blooming before I was ready was not the only timing issue I had to trust Him with. As I glanced over to Jim, our horse standing just a few feet behind the tree that had become my object lesson for the day, that small voice whispered again. "Not only do you not need to bloom too soon, but you also don't need to pull back on the reigns when I send the vision into full motion!" Ouch! I would have been just find to look back on those memories of wanting more but learning to trust Him to bring it in His timing. But no, God had to go and remind me that I was afraid of the things He had shown me needed to be happening because I just did not see how it would work.

We are in one of the craziest seasons of our lives! We are still trying to crawl out from under the crazy moving/remodel experience of this summer. We still don't have all the remodel completed (lack a few things in the kitchen and an entire bathroom), we still have boxes to unpack, systems to get into place, and some painting to do. The agency has become busier than it has ever been all while our children's needs are at a place where they need us advocating, and loving, and connecting and providing for them more than we ever have. John's job is also going through some transition that is pulling him in different directions and brings more stress and demands. Then my parents had a serious car accident last week, and I saw my daughter and oldest grandson for the first time in three years, and met my youngest grandson for the first time ever! It seriously could not be a busier, more demanding, emotionally exhausting season of life. So I find myself pulling back on the reigns of the things God is saying to let run, NOW! I find myself throwing up an umbrella afraid of the rain that is falling.

The buds have grown out more now. I can see them from my windows. We haven't had a hard freeze since they started coming out, but I suspect we will. I do not really know what it will do to the tree for this season. But every time I catch a glimpse of a bud, I smile because I hear that small voice saying, "Do you see how big that tree is?! What is happening in this season will be another ring. Another year of growth. Another layer of strong bark turned to an inner ring. Don't stop by just looking at the buds...look at what I have done over years and years. Trust me with your season! It's just one piece of the puzzle I am working in your life to build and mold and shape you into who I have called you to be! Listen. Trust. Obey. Then leave the rest up to me!"

Foster Care Redesign: A Call To Action

Yesterday I posted my testimony that was given to the Senate Health and Human Services Committee regarding Senate Bill 11. Senators Schwertner, Uresti and Nelson are the authors of the bill. I have spoke to staffers in all of these Senators' offices. But we need MORE voices! The only voices being heard right now with regard to Foster Care Redesign and further privatization are the ones who profit from it or who need to "save face" because they helped design it! There are amazing Senators on the HHSC who truly have a heart to do what is best for children. They need to hear us! We are the only ones who can speak up for the kids! 

This is a complex issue that I am going to attempt to make into bullet points that are easy for you to communicate to your Senator and Representative. If you do not know who your Senator or Representative is, go here to find out! In addition to your Senator or Representative, please contact those Senators who are on the HHSC! They are: 
Senator Charles Schwetner (Committee Chair) (512) 463-0105
Senator Carlos Uresti (Committee Vice Chair) (512) 463-0119 
Senator Dawn Buckingham (512) 463-0124
Senator Konni Burton (Senator for the current Redesign Area) (512) 463-0110 
Senator Lois Kolkhorst  (512) 463-0118 (If Senator Kolkhorst is your Senator, you should be very proud! She has a true heart for children and appears in the hearings to be seeking real solutions for positive outcomes for all children!)
Senator Borris Miles (512) 463-0113
Senator Charles Perry (512) 463-0128 (Senator Perry also shows a genuine concern for the outcomes for all children! You have a great child advocate in your Senator if Perry represents you!)
Senator Van Taylor (512) 463-0108
Senator Kirk Watson (512) 463-0114 (Senator Watson is new to this committee, but he was very involved in the hearing and seeking an understanding of the real issues and the best solutions for children! His office also expressed a desire to see a pilot of the current system fully funded! Please call his office if you support funding CPS fully so that workers can do their job and let him know he has your support!)

When you call say:

"This is ___state you name___ my zip code is ____7XXXX___. I am calling to voice my concern over the privatization of DFPS rolls in Senate Bill 11 as well as the continued roll out of Foster Care Redesign. My concerns are:

• The private sector has already proven it does not have the capacity to serve the needs of Texas children in care.  
• Redesign limits the number of adoptive homes available to children who are legally free for adoption
• Redesign outcomes being reported do not accurately represent actual outcomes for some populations of children. 
• Families willing to adopt older children and large sibling groups are being denied placement
• Redesign is said to be the best model for children yet the roll out has missed deadline after deadline delaying the process of reform. A fact that does not address the immediate dire situation of our children in care as articulated by Judge Jack in the federal ruling. 
• Redesign is said to be the best model for children yet CPS workers in more than one region have been told speaking out against it will result in a loss of their jobs, and redesign contracts include a silencing clause.Why can those who know what is happening to children in redesign not speak out about it if it is good for children?
• Redesign creates a competition within areas of the state that results in poor outcomes for children in other areas of the state. Do we want a system that is best for some Texas children or all Texas children? 
• There needs to be an independent audit that ensures redesign is creating the actual outcomes that are best for all Texas children and families. 
•  Senate Bill 11 suggests several pilot programs for privatization of multiple CPS rolls. This would result in many DFPS employees losing their jobs.
• There should be a pilot program to fully fund a region from investigations through post placement to examine outcomes if the legacy system is given the needed resources to function with recommended case loads, maintain workforce, etc. Could it be that our current system will provide the desired outcomes for all Texas children if it is funded the way redesign is being funded? 

I have the same information below with some bullet points that expand on the concerns. If your Senator or Representative would like more details or needs more explanation to fully understand the issues with redesign and Senate Bill 11, I am happy to visit with them and provide more details, copy of emails, contracts, etc to back my concerns. They can reach me by calling Addy's Hope 432.897.1503.

• The private sector has already proven it does not have the capacity to serve the needs of Texas children in care.  
• The first redesign area failed completely when Providence withdrew their contract and left the children under their management in limbo as they moved back to CPS management.
• The current redesign area has been funded with $6 million dollars of private money. Money that cannot be guaranteed for all areas of Texas.  
• Redesign limits the number of adoptive homes available to children who are legally free for adoption
• For Example:  Agency B in Houston has 350 licensed adoptive homes. Agency B does not desire to contract with the SSCC in Catchment Area 3B because it is not lucrative for them to do so. Now children in 3B no longer have access to the 350 homes licensed by Agency B. This drastically reduces the odds of waiting children finding a forever home and increases the odds that they will age out of foster care.
• Redesign outcomes being reported do not necessarily accurately represent actual outcomes. 
• It is reported that adoption numbers are up in 3B. However, adoption agencies, CPS employees and CASA all report a decrease in matched adoptions as well as an increase in time it takes for the process to be completed when compared to the legacy system. When asked specifically about the number of matched adoptions being completed, we have been told those numbers do not exist.
• The numbers being reported for adoptions reflect the numbers of all adoptions including kinship as well as foster homes adopting children who become legally free. They do not accurately reflect the outcome for our older, harder to place children who are not being matched for adoption.
• Families willing to adopt older children and large sibling groups are being denied placements
• placement of a sibling group of 4 was denied placement under Providence in 2014
• placement of a 16 year old was attempted to be blocked until adoptive parents advocated on her behalf for placement
• both scenarios were due to a contract issue and could have moved forward under the legacy system without issue
• families licensed for adoption with agencies under redesign are waiting 12+ months to be matched. With many of them becoming frustrated with the system and stopping the process. Comparatively, families licensed to adopt in the legacy system are waiting 3-6 months to be matched.
• Redesign is said to be the best model for children yet the roll out has missed deadline after deadline delaying the process of reform. A fact that does not address the immediate dire situation of our children in care as articulated by Judge Jack in the federal ruling. 
• Redesign is said to be the best model for children yet CPS workers in more than one region have been told speaking out against it will result in a loss of their jobs, and a contract from the current redesign SSCC for an adoption agency contained a silencing clause. Why can those who know what is happening to children in redesign not speak out about it if it is good for children?
• Redesign creates a competition within areas of the state that results in poor outcomes for children around the redesign area. Do we want a system that is best for some Texas children or all Texas children? 
• a town hall meeting in 3b revealed the testimony of a foster mom who has an empty bed, but the CPS office 20 miles from her has a child sleeping on the floor. Because she was in 3b, and the child was not, the child had to remain on the floor and her bed remained empty. 
• There needs to be an independent audit that ensures redesign is creating the actual outcomes that are best for all Texas children and families. 
•  Senate Bill 11 suggests several pilot programs for privatization of multiple CPS rolls. This would result in many DFPS employees losing their jobs.
• There should be a pilot program to fully fund a region from investigations through post placement to see if with the needed resources the legacy system will provide the desired outcomes for all children and maintain the CPS workforce we need to secure to ensure the safety and well-being of Texas Children. 

THANK YOU for speaking up and being a voice for children! Please share with anyone who you know who has a concern for the current issues facing our children in state care!